Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right! I've prepared something.

I'm not saying that. Can she just stop that now?

Hoo-ah! Aww, he keeps on moving it. Hoo-ah!

From booze to biscuits! Red-hot deals.

Loads of two for ones. Don't forget the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way.

Tick. Tick.

And I'm not doing that tick thing either!

Am I getting paid for this?

Serves you right.

Valco. Serves you right!

As soon as the shift's over, we are out of here, right?

Babe, I've got me dancing shoes on, check. Drinking pants, right.

Nothing can stand in our way.

There's my Collywobbles.

Look at you, you poor thing!

That hair needs cutting.

I like it. I think it looks like Russell Crowe.

Don't be such an idiot.

Come over tonight and I'll cut it for you.

He can't. I can't. I'm going out with Lis tonight.

Oh. Fine!

So I'll be standing in for Gavin while he's on holiday -

pretty big shoes to fill.

Not that I'm saying he's a clown or anything!

No, that's terrible. Erm...

Knock, knock. I'll be your sound effects lady for the day.

Can you imagine if we actually did that?

Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp.

Errrrrrrrrrrk.

Clomp, clomp, clomp.

Pffft! Ooop!

Did you...did you want something, Charlie?

Oh, yes, I just came in to tell you that I'm not late.

Yay! Progress.

Technically, you're supposed to start out there at seven and you're in here chatting,

so you're going to be at least five or ten minutes late

and now we're gonna have to dock your pay. What? I get paid to be here? Yeah.

Awesome. How much do I get? ?6.50 an hour.

So, ?6.50 an hour by six...er...

?39. ?39?!

That'll totally buy me a bottle of wine with my friends tonight!

As I was saying to your ex, Donna, only last night,

I had my time with you when I took you in as a toddler,

and brought you up as if you were one of my own.

I AM one of your own!

Hang on. Who's Donna? No-one.

His soul-mate - that's what he used to call her.

Nana! No. Lis, it was a long time ago, OK?

Hang on. How come you saw her anyway?

I bumped into her, at my house.

She's staying for the week, actually,

and she can't wait to see you. So we should smarten you up.

You want to make a good impression. You are unbelievable. You know that?

You and Donna were perfect together. And if her family hadn't moved away,

I'd have some very beautiful great-grandchildren by now.

And that's all your fault. You took them from me.

Child snatcher!

Charlie, I'm really busy this week with Gavin away and stuff,

so, erm, if you don't mind...

Oh, God, no! I don't mind. I am happy to help.

Oh! I could be your PA!

No. No. I don't need a PA.

But look - paper, collected, delivered.

How useful am I already?

I'm not going to answer that.

God, no! Not today.

All right, you lot. Listen up!

As you may be aware...

Er...as you may be aware....

LADS!

Oh, gosh. That'll be the old ear drum gone then.

Could you please be quiet!

Daniel's about to make a speech and he's really nervous about it,

so just give him a break, OK?

Go on, Daniel. Thank you, Charlie.

Anyway, I'm standing in for Gavin, who's away on holiday this week.

Pretty big shoes to fill. Uh-huh-huh!

But I want you to know it's business as usual at Valco,

so let's get out there and prove to Gavin that we can do it.

That wasn't a joke.

Fair enough.

On another note, er... The last one...

As of today the staff canteen is no longer free.

You what? Oh, dear.

I-I-I got a fax through from head office.

That's out of order, mate!

It is still subsidised, so it won't cost much.

Oh, yeah, maybe not for you up there in management,

but for us down here on OUR wages...

Yeah, the grassroots.

Charlie, you're a multi-millionaire.

Yeah, but Head Office don't know that, do they?

I think they do. Right. OK, then.

Well, then maybe we should all just take it on the chin

and get back to work. So please, come on.

Well, I'm not taking it on the chin.

Can you just...? C'mon, now. Back off. Back off.

That was brilliant! So what are we going to do now?

This could go badly, very badly indeed.

You restrict a man's access to food, you unleash something primal.

Shut up. What? Hiya. Hi.

Leona, right?

You're in my English class at college.

Not that I'm a stalker or anything.

Just, you know, be weird following you around all day.

Not cos you're boring, just cos... I'll stop talking now.

OK. Thanks.

See ya.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

What?

Somebody needs help in the art of wooing a lady.

From a homosexual middle-aged man? Nah. You're all right.

Your loss. Although I could've had you fully trained up

by the time she came back.

Why would she come back? Because Leona...

..has left her mobile phone.

Interested now, aren't you, eh? Eh? Calling home.

Hello, Security Department here at Warrington Valco.

You've left your mobile phone.

It's in safe hands. Just ask for Harry when you get here.

And that, my young apprentice, is lesson one.

How to snare your lady prey.

You haven't ended the call.

Oh, bugger! Sorry. Oh!

Now I've taken a photograph of meself!

Oh!

Colin! What?

I hope you've got a receipt for those.

Whoa! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, no.

Don't bawl me out for this. I'm starving here!

And if YOU hadn't have sacked our free food,

I wouldn't be forced into a life of crime.

Well, hey! That was not his fault.

He is nowhere near senior enough to make that sort of decisions

and he probably never will be.

Thank you, Charlie. Got your back, Daniel.

Fine, but on your heads be it, right,

if I pass out through malnutrition from lifting these.

Rice cakes? Rice cakes, mate. Right. Heavier than they look.

You all right, Neville?

Yes, yes, all good.

Only the whole canteen thing did come as a bit of a blow.

Yes, most of my money goes on child maintenance, you see.

Oh. How old are your kids?

24 and 19. Yes, they take a lot of maintaining,

or so I'm told.

Sorry, mate. I can lend you a fiver if you need...

No, no, no, it's fine.

I'm sure gonna miss them meals!

Bye-bye, breakfast, and lunch and often dinner too.

All of my meals, in fact.

Yes, all of them.

Still, at least I get to be around food, even if I can't eat it.

Hey, that's...that's the spirit.

I think.

The thing you notice about Donna first I think is her lovely perfume.

It's like a garden full of roses.

I asked her last night what she wears

and do you know what she said...?

I don't know. I don't care.

She said, "I don't wear any perfume'."

She's just naturally fragrant.

And clever. And pretty.

And fertile.

You all right, sweet cheeks? Yeah.

Oh, hello. Thank you, my lovely boy.

Your Nan was just telling me how your ex really smells. What?

Well, you'll find out for yourself.

She's coming here to fetch me after work.

What? She's coming here to Valco? Not that you're bothered.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not that I'm bothered, but she's coming here, to Valco, today?

Well, don't look so worried. We'll soon have you smartened up.

Here, lift your arms. What? Oh, Nana, stop it! C'mon!

Thank you.

That's all right. I can do it myself.

Oh, hello, Linda, didn't see you there.

I told you not to talk to me at work!

Oh, right. I thought you just meant

not to mention what we got up to last night.

Neville! Shut up, will ya?! Sorry. Yes, sorry.

But just to be clear, it's all talking that's banned, is it?

You don't think that might be even more suspicious?

I mean, we did used to talk before we...

Fine. Some talking. But don't...

Mention last night. Got you.

Or...or tonight?

I'll think about it. Oh. So will I.

Wow, people are really angry about this whole canteen thing.

I just wanted to check my emails.

For some reason, nothing's coming through to my phone.

Oh, yeah, that's cos I did this really clever thing.

What really clever thing?

Well, I saw all these emails coming in like, ping, Head Office,

ping, Martin Shell, and I thought to myself,

oh no, he does not have time for this today.

I literally said that out loud to myself.

I said, "Oh, no, he does not have time for this today."

What did you do, Charlie?

Well, I set up an automatic reply. See.

"Hey guys! How y'all doing?

"I'm on the shop floor busting my onions.

"I'll get back to youse soon as.

"Lots of love, Daniel, Deputy Man Gobbler."

Man Gobbler?!

Oh, NO! I put "Manager", I swear.

Autocorrect. Oh, that is so funny!

I'm going to have to take a picture of that and put it on Facebook.

What two things does every women want from a relationship?

Oh, this I've got to hear. Go on, then. Don't mind me.

Er...city breaks and...cake.

Wrong! Security and security. It's in their basic biological make-up.

Show her you're not going to let anyone eat her kids,

she'll be yours for life.

And how do I do that?

Electronic surveillance.

Because that's not at all sinister!

Babe, don't listen to him.

What women want is to feel like they've got a real catch.

Someone unattainable.

So I've got to become unattainable by this afternoon? Great.

Don't worry. I'll fix it for ya.

Just give me a nod when she comes in. She'll be putty in your hands.

Can't I just...ask her out?

So naive! Bless him!

Why've you got your shirt tucked in like that?

Oh...it's just... You look a right div.

Must have just hitched up when I went for a dump before.

So I was thinking about tonight, right,

and Nando's gets dead busy at times,

so we should try and sneak off a little bit earlier.

Nah, no. That's gonna be tricky.

It is going to be tricky, cos I've got loads on.

Loads of what?

Work. Yeah. I'm gonna stay till the end of the shift.

Because they pay us to be here, so... Who are you? What?

You just want to stay and see your ex!

Yeah, all right, I do, but Lis, literally it's just out of curiosity, that's all. Seriously.

You know what they say about curiosity, don't ya?

Yeah. Strangled a cat.

No, it stops you from getting any for a month.

Lisa!

Say what you like about Gavin, and I know I do,

but he would never stand for this.

Well, this isn't Daniel's fault, Sue. he's doing his best.

Well, it looks like to me he's doing sweet FA.

Well, that's where you're wrong, actually,

because Daniel is on the phone right now

telling Head Office to reverse their decision.

Oh, great! But meanwhile, we starve. Cheers, Daniel.

And there's more!

Because...Daniel just told me to take you out for lunch.

Really? Yes! His idea. Just now. Amazing!

Oi! Spread the word. Charlie's taking us all out to lunch.

Right, come on, you lot.

Is everybody coming? Oh. That's great.

Yeah. Yay!

Could a member of staff please report to the customer service desk?

That is, ANY member of staff, please report to customer service desk.

Right now.

All right, Daniel. Where are they all?

Well, it doesn't take a genius to work that out, does it?

They've walked, mate, clearly. Downed tools, gone on strike.

You're joking! You took their canteen away.

You didn't think they'd just sit and take it, did you?

Right, will you help me look for them, then?

Oh, no. Don't go dragging me into your management nightmare.

Neville, come with me.

I wasn't...I wasn't going to eat it.

Er, honestly...I was just looking at it.

What? Look, we need all the hands we have on tills.

The staff have gone on strike.

Have they? No-one told me.

Not that it matters.

I wouldn't have gone with them, anyway, so...

These tills over here are no longer just for baskets,

so if you want to come around and don't forget the self-service.

Can you tell me where the eggs are? There's no-one on the bakery.

Aisle 4, next to home baking.

Someone will be with you in a moment, sir.

Oh, dear. They've got you exactly where they want you now, eh?

They've been gone over an hour and a half, Ian.

I'm going to have to call Head Office. Excuse me.

Hello? Can I speak to Martin Shell, please? Yes, it's urgent.

Daniel...

Martin. Hey!

It's Daniel from the Warrington branch.

We've got a bit of a situation...

Daniel. One second, Ian.

The...the staff have gone on strike.

OK, Martin.

Sorry. Mr Shell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep. Right away.

I'll do that now. OK.

Ian?

It seems it wasn't a walk-out after all.

Where the hell have you been?

Pizza Express. Don't be mad - we got you a goody bag.

Now there WERE dough balls, because I know you like dough balls,

but they were just too yummy. Sorry!

Have you any idea what you've done?

Well, everyone was in a grumble about the canteen...

And Charlie said it was your idea. Everyone, back to work.

Now! Please! Thank you.

Looks like somebody likes the dough balls!

Bye, guys. Stay cool.

Stay cool. OK.

OK, well, can you get him to call me back, please? Urgently.

What?! Do you miss Gavin? Is that the problem?

No, Charlie. The problem is you! You took all the staff to lunch!

And then we ate your balls.

Forget about the dough balls, Charlie!

You took everyone off site without telling me.

What was I supposed to think? Why? What did you do?

Oh, my God! You did something really bad, didn't you?

I can see from your face. I called Head Office.

Martin Shell is on his way over here as we speak.

Oh, my God, you didn't! You total idiot.

You busted yourself in to Head Office? For real?

Yeah. It's not funny, Charlie.

No, I'm not...I'm not laughing at you - I'm laughing with you.

I'm not laughing at all, Charlie.

Daniel.

Ah, Daniel.

Has anyone seen Colin?

No. No?

Um, hi, sorry. I think I might have left my phone here.

Yeah, yeah, you did.

Thank you. Um, Harry, isn't it?

Listen, I was just wondering if you wanted to maybe meet up later...

Hi, babe, we still on for tonight? Only I'm wearing your favourite....

Get off, will ya!

What's he like?! See you at the end of the shift, gorgeous.

You got her to do that, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I did. Tragic.

OH!

Should've gone with electronic surveillance, mate.

Works every time.

Colin?

Don't you dare!

Oh, try and stop me!

Ladies. C'mon. Let's not do anything hasty here.

Right. Give me those!

Oh! Stop it! Stop it!

This is madness! She's not worth it.

Who isn't?

Just pack it in, please, the pair of you.

Give me the clippers. Over my dead body. Fine!

Oh, come on, girls. This is madness.

Girls! Please! Just stop it!

Look what you've done! Me? It was your big ham hands.

Oh, this really hurts.

Vulgar little witch! Get off me!

Really hurts.

Get off!

Oh. That really hurts.

Ow! As if I'm not in enough discomfort here...

You won't get away with this!

Hag! Floozy!

Ooh!

Um...

Mmm... Mmm!

Stop it!

OK, stop it!

She started it!

Look at you! What is wrong with ya? Who? Me or her?

Both of you! She's totally unhinged! She's a total psycho!

I don't want to hear it. All right? I've had enough of you.

Who? Both of you!

Look, Colin. I can't go on like this. Choose. Is it me or her?

Yeah, me or her, Colin? Because I'm not putting up with this any more.

OK. Um...neither. What?

I choose neither of you. You're both mental!

Colin! Colin!

Knock, knock.

Eeeeeeeeerrrrk!

No, that's a bit haunted house, isn't it?

Swwwwiiisssh!

Now that's a bit Star Trek, isn't it? Star Trek? Star Wars?

Did you want something?

Just to say that I Skyped my dad and told him

it wasn't totally your fault.

It wasn't my fault! It was your fault!

You all right, Daniel? You've gone all scary eyes again.

No, I'm not OK.

I'm never OK when you're around, because you're a nightmare.

And if it wasn't for Daddy, you would have been sacked weeks ago.

Ah, Daniel, I wanted to speak to you.

I am ashamed to say that I ate a slice of...

Oh, get out.

You're right to be angry. Theft is theft.

You want me sacked?

You are unsackable, Charlie - don't you get it?

And even if I could get rid of you, what difference would it make?

This is all just a game to you anyway.

Another little dinner party anecdote about something that "wasn't your fault".

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way.

I just brought you these.

And just so you know, I'm not doing the sound effect game with you any more,

but only because I don't know how to do the sound of a slamming door.

No, wait. I've remembered how to do it now. SLAM!

Colin! Nah, nah, nah, nah, Lisa. I'm going the pub.

All right? Alone.

Where is she, then? Who?

This Donna. I thought she was picking you up.

Oh, yes. Er...her very expensive car must have broken down.

I'm catching the bus instead.

Lying old witch.

Did it work, then?

Nah. Didn't.

Are you free to make this little charade of ours a reality?

Not happening, Harry. Worth a try. Night, then.

Oh, dear. Lover's tiff?

What, us? No. Anyway, I'm seeing someone tonight, aren't I?

Who? Me?

Neville! Just shut up.

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