Original subtitles

Serves you right ! I've prepared something...

I'm not saying that.

Can she just stop that now...

Heuw! Ah, he keeps on moving it. Heuw!

From booze to biscuits.

Red hot deals? Loads of two-for-ones.

Don't forget the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way. Tick.

Tick. And I'm not doing that tick thing either!

Am I getting paid for this?

- Serves you right! - Valco. Serves you right!

There's nothing I like more than spending good times

with family and friends.

That's why I've cooked up the Freddie Flintoff Party Platter.

Crispy duck pancakes, succulent chicken skewers and buttery sausage rolls.

Yum. Mmm!

I'm bowled over! And you will be too.

Freddie Flintoff's Party Platter range, exclusively at Valco.

How's that?

Freddie Flintoff's Party Platty...

Freddie Flintoff's Patty... Party.

Ooh, it's a right mouthful, int'it?

Right, now, ladies. Freddie Flintoff will be here any moment.

Who? Freddie Flintoff.

I've no idea who that is.

Freddie. Freddie Flintoff.

His advert has been playing right next to you the entire morning.

I don't watch television, apart from Emmerdale,

and he's not in that, is he? Course he's not. He's a cricketer.

That's him, is it? Young men today. All that tanning.

Why do you insist on all this preening and waxing, Gavin?

What? Well, I don't. I suppose you've got a tattoo.

No!

A tattoo?! Oh, Gavin!

Where is it, then, hey? Your tramp stamp. Somewhere unspeakable?

Gavin, love, you've got a nice face.

There's no need for any of that.

That's probably why he started waxing down there,

to make way for the tattoo.

Now it's a vicious circle.

No... Look, just... Please, just leave me alone.

Any more for any more?

I have got like the mother-in-law of all hangovers here.

Unlikely. 97% of the time the effects of alcohol are psychosomatic.

So what did you ingest? A small sherry?

Yeah. Er... Six bottles of Newkie brown ale,

vodka... lots. Schnapps, MD 20/20,

and then this kind of... Kind of a thing.

Came in a metal can, tasted like petrol.

Oh, God. It might have been petrol.

Sounds like quite the pub crawl.

Nah, me and Lisa just went to the pictures last night.

Well, it's my professional diagnosis that you have a hangover.

Oh, genius. And what you need is Hangoverover.

You what?

My patented miracle cure that makes your hangover... over.

So is it safe? "Is it safe?" he asks.

Me and big Dave McGinty used to take it all the time at med school.

Would have been huge

if Big Dave hadn't suddenly dropped dead during the graduation ceremony.

Oh...

Yeah, all right, I'm in. I'm in.

Yeah.

And this is the pitch where you and him will play cricket.

Oh, it's just preposterous,

the things that head office think of!

Gavin? Oh. Yes, yes, Ian.

About this VIP visit. Mm-hm.

My sources tell me it's... Freddie Flintoff.

Glad to see you're on top of your game there, Ian.

Got to say, we have a major security issue on our hands.

Listen, it's just a few local press and a meet-and-greet for Freddie.

It's all very standard. For you, maybe.

But I might have to take a bullet for him.

Ian, no-one is going to assassinate Freddie Flintoff.

Not while I've got air in my lungs.

But I am going to need to take some extra precautions. Like what?

I'll need a gun. No!

A Taser. Oh, for goodness' sake!

Fine, have it your way, but I insist on a stick with a nail through it.

A big net. Oh, yes.

Here it is. My secret miracle hangover cure, Hangoverover. Wow!

Wait. It's very important that you line your stomach first.

With what?

Cough sweets.

Colin, what are you doing here?

There's a pile of boxes in the loading bay. Yeah, I'm having a...

I'm afraid that cannot be disclosed as I intend to patent,

but it has been rigorously tested in lab conditions.

Get the Freddie Flintoff boxes from the loading bay

and stack them, please. I've got a hangover here.

Have some water! Water's actually one of the worst things

you can drink. It's basically liquid asbestos. And that's a medical fact.

It's not a medical fact.

I'm going in.

Ah... It's nice, that.

Point proven, I think. In what way?

There we go. Good.

You're a trooper, Gavin. You're certainly earning that holiday.

Where are you going?

Well, my cycling club do a Pedal Through The Tulips tour.

Hull to Haarlem.

Oh, with a little bit of window shopping in Amsterdam

on the way, no doubt, you sly dog.

Guilty as charged!

I've lost weeks to a good ogle through an Amsterdam window.

The things they have on offer there you just can't find

in Warrington. And believe me, I've looked.

Oh, right...

This helmet is giving me a headache.

Aaaah!

Charlotte! What on earth are you doing?

Oh... I got like zilch sleep last night.

I went to this mental party and I lost track of time.

Urgh, we didn't fly back until about three.

Fly back? Yeah, it was in Morocco.

Anyway, I'm zonked so I'm going to have a little nap.

Will you get the blinds, Gavin?

Charlie, you can't sleep in here.

Don't worry, I'll be quiet as a mouse. Just ignore me.

Ooh, I can feel my ankles swelling up.

I haven't been on my feet like this since I used to work at Clarks.

Oh, I used to work there! Yeah, back in the '60s.

Really? Yeah. Well, then we might have crossed over.

I was there in the winter of '68.

Wait a minute... Maggie?!

Phyllis?

What? No, Rose.

You remember, I worked on the tills.

I had red hair!

About this tall.

Oh, Rose! Ha!

Oh, fancy that, after all these years!

And what about that gorgeous hunk that used to come in to

have his wellingtons stretched. What was his name?

Oh, er, I don't know who you mean.

We both fancied the pants off him.

Big glasses, tiny head.

You know? We had a pact, remember?

We agreed our friendship was more important,

so neither of us could have him.

Er, I think I'll just go away...

Alan! That was it! Alan! You remember?

Of course, I put our friendship above everything,

but, oh boy, would I have liked to climb that banana.

Ah, welcome, Freddie.

Shall we just go over your speech for the launch?

Yeah, I was going to say it's a great honour for me to launch

my party range at Valco.

And it's a new experience

because the missus usually shops at Waitrose.

Ah... Well, I don't think we need to mention that, actually, Freddie.

He's right, though, this place isn't a patch on Waitrose. Yo, Fredster!

Big fan. Love your work. Thanks. We should do lunch sometime.

We're quite busy here, Harry.

Would you just get back to the tills? Go on, go on.

I'm quite intrigued to know, are your chicken

and pork-based products free-range?

It would be good to get that in if they are. No idea.

I don't know what goes in them.

You're selling a product you don't know anything about?

Come on, Gav, everyone does it. Food's food, right?

Well, no!

Sorry, excuse me. Charlie? Charlie!

Charlie!

I'm sure Gavin's filled you in, but just to say,

if I do feel an attack is imminent, I will block you thusly,

or like this.

All right. I get it. I get it.

If it comes to it, I'll kill for you.

Cheers, man. That's good to know. Good to know.

I can't even look myself in the mirror. I feel that guilty.

I told him Rose had run off with the circus.

Ooh, I'm an 'orrible person!!

Margaret, you were in love.

It's a strong natural female hormonal condition,

caused by an excess of yeast.

Here I am! So what's the gossip?

Oh, my God, there's loads.

Margaret's worried because she married this guy called Alan

without telling her friend Rose.

Oh... N-n-no... I.... erm... Alan?

I... You took him from me? I didn't realise.

You stole my Alan?

I thought you'd find another man.

Alan was more than a man to me! He was a god!

Oh, I suppose Alan does move in mysterious ways.

You meant THAT Rose. My brain is literally still in bed.

Ah! Just saw the e-mail from Head Office. They sound excited.

Yes, well, he's never afraid of an emoticon, is Martin Shell.

To be honest this whole launch is just shambolic.

He's a sports personality, not a chef.

He doesn't know the products, he doesn't even shop at Valco.

Why is he even here? It's just ridiculous.

Who's ridiculous?

Freddie... Oh. I... didn't mean...

If you don't want me, I can go right now.

Oh-ho-ho! Freddie Flintoff!

Get in!

Oh, man you are a legend, mate!

C'mon... Yes, I am.

Er...

Any sign of Freddie? Can't find him anywhere, sorry.

I've just spoken to his agent, says he's gone AWOL.

And he's switched his phone off. This is a disaster!

Sorry, I am way behind today

but I promise I will be ready in like 20 minutes.

Why've you got a face like a smacked arse? Guess.

Right, Lis. I've got a load of Flintoff range I need to stack

and I'm wrecked. Are you wrecked? Yeah!

I might have to get some more of that miracle cure from Brian.

What was in it? I'm not too sure,

but it's taken the skin off my tongue. Look. Oh...

Mate of me sister's did a drug trial without knowing what was

in it, right, and he ended up having really bad side effects.

I think he went blind. Or bald.

Or like deaf in one ear. Right. Which one was it? Which ear?

Which side effect? Blind, I think.

Lisa, you're a bloody genius! Mwah!

Aw.

Come here... Mmmm.

Mmm... Mmm!

Mmm.

Perv.

Pop quiz. Freddie's about to give his speech

when an assassin hurls a grenade from the crowd.

What do you do? What DO you do?

Body block Freddie, locate the grenade

hurl it back at assailant, exploding him.

Ah! But that's just a decoy.

The real killer has put a bomb in a trolley, rigged to explode

when it goes over 2mph.

I'd instigate a trolley lockdown

and a basket-only zone within three aisles of Flintoff.

God, you're good! It's my duty to keep Freddie safe

until he finishes his business at Valco.

I intend to stick with him like a shadow in the wind.

Where is he, by the way?

I don't know. He could be anywhere by now.

Can you see anything at all, Colin?

I'm all right. Are we in a forest at the minute?

Is everything all right? Mum? It's Brian.

Brian. Yeah. It's... Er, no.

I'm sorry, it's just you're so blurry and cloudy at the minute.

It's probably that medicine you gave me.

It's affected my eyesight quite a bit. No. No, no, no, no.

That's not possible. I mean, I can't think what...

Well, it's only caffeine, bicarbonate of soda, sea salt...

I'm going to have to take a seat, Lis. What?

No, there's no chair there, Colin. Oh...

You need to get him isolated.

No! I've got to stack boxes before the launch.

I can't leave them like that.

I can handle that. Just don't tell anyone.

Gavin? Daniel?

There's no need to get anyone else involved, it'll pass in a minute.

Just keep him hidden.

Oh...

Yes! Oh, my God, Colin! Can you really not see?

I can't... It's just that I...

Ah! You're good at this!

I am good at it. You are good at it...

You'll be fine, blindness is covered by public liability insurance,

you won't get sued this time. Don't touch it!

Er, Mr Flintoff, it's Gavin Strong... again.

Just wondering if you might return my call.

Well, calls. Yeah. Right. Er, many thanks.

What's happened to Colin? He knew the risks when he took it!

What are you talking about? Nothing.

Why are you doing that and not Colin?

I don't know, and even if I did know, you can't blame me!

I said leave it.

You're a Jezebel! A heartless, scheming Jezebel

Try one of these, madam?

I'm sorry, Rose.

I was wrong to choose Alan over a lovely five-week friendship.

I just didn't know you cared so much.

You two-faced, small-time floozy! You harlot!

You stole the man that was rightfully mine!

Ala-a-a-nn!

Now. Have you seen Freddie Flintoff? No, is it good? Who's in it?

It's not a film, Margaret, he's a person. He's disappeared.

She's probably lured him into her love den. The vixen!

He wouldn't fit into our den.

Shame on you, Margaret! Shame!

Look, whatever's going on can you please just find a way

to sort it out?

Oh, you're right Gavin. There's only one thing I can do.

I've got to give Alan back.

First time. Tenner, I'll do it. Yeah? Tenner? Yep. Yeah.

Give me some pork. Let's go. Yeah?

Oh, what! Now that... And again. Like that.

Oh! And again. One more. One more. One more. Right, come on. Here.

Colin? Oh...

Colin? Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

How are you feeling? Er... Not great, Bri. Not good.

It's actually getting worse if anything, it's... I'm not surprised.

You see, I've just checked the ingredients

and the truth is I've made a terrible, terrible mistake.

You what?

I added 20cc's of Benzedrine sulphate

instead of Benzedrine phosphate. You need to go to hospital.

No, no. I feel fine Brian. Apart from the blindness?

Oh, it's actually wearing off a bit. Whoa, look at that! I can see you.

That's the worst thing that you could've said!

Sharp sightedness is the first symptom of blood poisoning.

How do your arms feel? Normal. That's stage two!

You need to go to A & E now, and I mean now.

You've got about 30 minutes before your organs fail.

Are you serious? Oh, my God, Colin!

Lisa? If you've got anything to say to him, say it now?

Oh, God!

Are you all right? No!

It's going to be all right. No, it's not. It is. No, it's not. It will.

It won't. It has to be...

Told you!

The secret to being a bodyguard is to stay one step ahead

of your enemy.

Do you reckon he could be in the store now, watching us?

It's possible. Do you reckon he's looking at you and thinking...

"Ooh, Kevin Costner's let himself go?"

Ian, have you seen Freddie Flintoff? Has he left this store?

I've not seen him for the last ten minutes, but there was

an unmarked period of time when he may have slipped out, yes.

What unmarked period? And where's your uniform?

I had to pop home to change. You left the store unattended?!

He assessed the risks

and found it absolutely essential to acquire the appropriate attire.

See? This is a disaster. Don't worry,

no-one is going to mess with this, Gavin.

Hey. Been looking everywhere for you.

Um, I think maybe there might have been a misunderstanding.

I know when I'm being insulted. Sorry.

All people see is this tall, good-looking,

charismatic guy with a world-class batting average.

I'm sensitive. I write poetry. Really?

Why does everyone look surprised when I tell them that?

Do you want to hear one?

A poem? Yeah.

I'm not sure if there's time.

Oh. OK.

Pretty flowers on the wall

Pretty flowers, pink and tall...

Rose...

I know you're not talking to me, but I want you to have this.

It's an instruction manual for Alan. I'm returning him.

Now there's some photographs of him in Skegness, I've listed

all his favourite TV, and there's a leaflet on how to cut his toenails.

So if you just let me pop home, I'll pack a suitcase

and I'll be out of your hair by tea-time.

Well, what will Alan say?

Oh, he probably won't notice for a few days. We can ease him into it.

Is this him in this photo?

Blimey! He's ballooned! And his face looks like a piece of salami.

No, it's all right, you can keep him.

Really? Well, you wouldn't like to have him at weekends, maybe?

No! I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. Not now.

Oh! Oh, I'm so glad. Oh, that's settled then.

Children play in fields of birds

And sing a song with dead good words.

Did you like it?

Huh? Yeah, very much.

Thanks, man. You know,

sometimes I think about putting my own words and thoughts...

Whatever, mate. Come on, let's launch this baby.

Ladies and gentlemen. Er... Thank you for joining us today

to launch the Freddie Flintoff Party Platter.

Now, due to unforeseeable circumstances I'm afraid that

Freddie is unable to join us today...

Oh!

If you... Here's Freddie!

Who wants to see some cricket?

Let's see what you're made of.

Just go nice and easy there, Freddie. Yeah...

Come on, Freddie!

Freddie, Freddie, Freddie, Freddie...

Oh...

Head office has been on the phone. It's all over the news.

Oh, God...

'..Valco. Serves you right!

'As Freddie Flintoff found out today, in a game of cricket...

'aimed to promote his party platter range.

'Flintoff has faced some of the biggest hitters in the world, but...

'he couldn't handle Gavin Strong, manager of Valco, Warrington.

'Strong didn't flinch from Freddie's pace

'and returned the ball straight at the former England cricket star hitting him for 6.'

They're thrilled! They say money can't buy the kind of publicity you gave Valco!

Right. What am I doing today?

Ah, well... It's actually time for you to clock off, Charlotte.

Maybe you two could pick up again in the morning?

Right you are.

Although I am off to Madrid tonight, but don't worry,

I'll take my uniform and change on the plane.

I'm learning!

Oh, don't make me laugh! I'll have to go to the loo!

Decoy secured. Back to base.

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