Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right! I've prepared something...

I'm not saying that. Can she stop that now?

Huh! Aww, he keeps on moving it.

From booze to biscuits! Red-hot deals?

Loads of two-for-ones. Don't forget the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way.

Tick. I'm not doing that tick thing either!

Am I getting paid for this?

Serves you right!

Valco - serves you right!

Thanks for letting me use your computer, Gavin. Can't find mine.

Oh, that's the problem with laptops, they're easily left behind.

Oh, no, it's not a laptop, it's a big one like this. Oh. Right.

Morning, Gavin.

Aah-hiii... Charlie. Bonjour! Dan the man!

What's going on? Oh, you know. Chillin'.

Are you... sure she's all right there? Probably not, no, but...

Right, all done. Oh, Gavin, I accidentally deleted something,

but I'm sure you'll get it back. It was called "Gavin's documents".

What? Oh, I've no idea how I did it. Sorry!

Oh, well... Never mind. Later, potaters!

Green tomaters.

God... What an odd girl.

Yeah. She, erm, accidentally cut my tie in half yesterday.

Listen. Thank you for putting up with her. It really is appreciated.

It's OK, as long as we keep her away from the first-aid training today.

Please, Gavin. That's all I ask. Oh, you have my word, Daniel.

She will not come within sneezing distance. Sorry, forgot my shoes!

What are you two pests up to?

You look all secret-y.

Just discussing the day's... The day's...

The day's... Don't make me tickle it out of you!

No... Not again! Stop!

P... please!

You can't keep secrets from ol' Charlie!

First-aid training! Daniel's running it! It's today!

Please stop! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God! Count me in, Daniel.

This is the best day ever,

starting...

NOW!

Morning. Oh, don't get me started, Brian.

I didn't.

Me and Alan couldn't agree on what to have for breakfast.

We got in a right tizz. Alan wanted a boiled egg.

I says "You can't have that for breakfast! We're not on holiday!"

Good morning, Pharmacy. Care to join myself and Charlie

for a spot of first-aid training? First aid? Is it the Stone Age?

Last aid, more like. Anyway, we have medicine now.

Yeah, we do, but basic first aid is a proven life saver.

That's where you're wrong. Recent statistics have shown

that first aid kills more people than it saves.

N-no. That's not a statistic. That's made up. Agree to disagree.

Oh, come on, you pair. Oh, come on, Brian.

I need something to get me out of me grumble. It'll be fun.

I could use a hand teaching them.

I bet they'd listen to an old medical pro like yourself.

All right! You had me at "I desperately need your help, Brian."

How many times have I asked you to fix that bathroom cabinet?

Yeah, why not ask Mike to do it? I mean, he does live with you.

And he's got all of my tools.

Get over yourself, Nev. You're always whining on - me, me, me.

But I can't very well sneak in to the house and do DIY while he's out.

You don't mind sneaking in and doing naughty things when he's out, do ya?

Just get it fixed, Neville! Right.

Neville? That's your ex-wife, innit? What the...

What?! No! Yes... No!

It's very... complicated. Yes? I've got to dash.

What is it now? Good morning.

Erm... I want to say Doris? Marjorie?

It's Sue. What do you want? It's chilly. What can you do about it?

You got me over because you're cold?

Women our age feel it that bit more, don't we?

Our age? Our age?!

I know you've got a few years on me, but we're the same generation, no?

I'm 46, you cheeky sod. And listen, I'm sick of this.

I'm Customer Service, not Rose service.

If my light goes off again, I'll...

Good morning!

When did you find this? Just now.

It's a store fox. Bloody heck, he's got some balls,

coming onto the actual shop floor. Shall we call pest control?

Are you mad? And let Gavin know he's got a fox in his Valco?

No. You and me have got a major investigation on our hands.

Think you're up for it? I reckon. But what's the plan?

This is not my first store fox, sonny.

See that scar? No.

Last shop I worked.

So we've got to catch the fox before Gavin realises you've screwed up.

Yes! But I'm not going to lose my badge over this!

I'm going to take him down!

Well, to catch a fox, you must first think like a fox.

Can you do that, Ian? Are you in the fox's head?

Maybe get on all fours. I can't with my knees.

What's it thinking?

Cold meats!

Listen, there's no barcode on these tongs. Erm, are they still on offer?

I'll have a look. You having a barbecue? I love a barbecue, me.

Well, you'd love mine. I don't want to blow my own trombone,

but I do grill a mean Cumberland.

Amazing. Cheers. I'd love to come.

What?

Oh, no! No. I don't want... It's more for family and friends...

I've not been to a barbecue in ages. I'll bring my Darren and the kids.

Well, it's actually more for... f-f-for...

Sure. Yes, why not? The more the merrier. I'll give you my address.

I've already got it.

So you're walking through Valco

and you find a customer unconscious in the frozen aisle. What do you do?

Ooh! Wait! I know this one! Were they murdered?

You definitely have to call the police if they were murdered.

No, they're just lying on the floor.

Murdered? You'd call that nice Inspector Midsomer.

I repeat, not a murder. Hang on a minute, Daniel.

How do we know it wasn't a murder? It's not a bad question, mate.

No, no, no. It is a bad question.

What if you're the murderer? You should escape!

Escape? Doubtful. 90 per cent of murderers stick around

at the scene of the crime. Fact.

Can we just focus, please?

Thank you. Right.

Does anybody know what the first response to an injured -

not murdered - shopper is? The first thing that we do

is administer an adrenaline shot straight through the chest,

get the heart started. Hey, hang on a minute.

We don't know the heart has stopped. That could be the worst thing to do!

I think you'll find that if they've been murdered,

their heart would definitely have stopped otherwise it isn't a murder.

Hi, Gavin. Hi, Harry. I hear you're having a barbecue. Can't wait.

How did you know?! It's... It's really just a private party.

I know Sue's going though, isn't she? Or is she better than me?

Oh, no! It's... It's just that...

OK. You're invited too. Wait a second.

You're inviting me, a minor, to a barbecue at your house?

Pretty creepy, Gavin. You just asked me to!

Sticks and stones!

What the heck's going on? Hello, Gavin!

Sorry, I dropped my watch earlier

and I was getting Harry here to help me look for it.

You're wearing your watch. So I am.

Oh, thanks, Gavin, mystery solved.

Hey, do you want me to bring any chicken for the barbecue?

Oh, not you as well? I love chicken. Yeah, I'll bring the chicken.

Don't worry, I know your address. Come on, you.

Why does everyone know where I live?

So, er, the recovery position.

If one person per team wouldn't mind lying on the floor...

Do you want to practise with me or just steal someone else's partner?

Linda, please. Vanessa was my partner first!

Mike stole her from me.

Ha! Just like lying on the floor!

Does anybody know how to get a person into the recovery position?

Thump them in the back? Correct.

Incorrect. It's a known fact that a hard thump

will solve a medical emergency in six out of ten cases.

It absolutely 100 per cent isn't.

Is.

You tilt their head back and check for breathing.

You breathing, Margaret?

Yep. She's breathing. Check.

Charlie, can you check if I'm breathing? Yep. I've got this one.

Oh!

What did you do that for?!

Short sharp shock! Daddy says that's what gets the baby ponies breathing.

Do I look like a baby pony? No, but you most certainly are alive.

Oh, now, I'm sorry, Rose, but if you're too cold,

you have to wear your Valco fleece. Not a personal coat.

I'm not sure you get to make the rules, you cheeky sod.

Anyway, we have more pressing matters to discuss.

We have? I know all about the barbecue this weekend

and I want to tell you right now, I am available,

but this is in no way a date.

The first sign of any hanky-panky, I'll bloody your nose. Got it?

I... Wha... Now, off you pop, sweetie-pie.

Take that coat off.

Ooh.

Hello, Harry. Planning on doing any work today?

Can't, Rose. I've got to help Ian find the store fox.

You haven't seen it, have you? Only fox round here is me.

Rrr...

It's like herding cats. Not even normal cats -

really easily distracted cats.

Now, come on, Daniel, you can do it.

They only need to listen and show minor comprehension to pass.

Even that might be beyond the Valco Princess. She is impossible.

I think she might be the only person to ever fail first aid.

Ah. Now, er, Charlotte, I can't let you back on my computer right now.

Oh! Nope. I'm just here to have my lunch.

Hey, Gavvy, you never told us you were having a barbecue on Saturday.

Don't worry, it's totally in my diary now. That's great news.

Er, why are you having lunch here?

I went to a barbecue at Richard Branson's house and Adele was there,

singing - you should totally have Adele sing at your barbecue.

Not sure that Adele would really fancy coming...

What on earth is your lunch? Crisps and fish pate. Durr.

Oh, my God, Daniel, have you told Gavin how much fun first aid is?

Kind of. I love it. It's so exciting.

I've never passed anything before. Daddy's going to be so proud.

Ohhh...

Oh, that is disgusting.

Ohhh...

Gavin? Can I have your jacket potato?

Again? Yeah...

Fine.

All yours.

So if you're being attacked by a dog, make eye contact, bark twice...

Woof! Woof! ..and it'll back down.

Good to know. My neighbour's dog has taken quite the dislike to me.

Ahh, here comes my deputy teacher. Daniel, fancy taking over for a bit?

Er, yes. Thank you, Brian.

Right. What do you guys know about resuscitation?

They put Jesus in a cave and he climbed out.

Resuscitation. Mouth-to-mouth.

Do you want a go at mouth-to-mouth or are you getting enough of that?

I would rather not discuss my private affa... my private business.

I thought you was better than this. Sure, you're a bit of a wuss,...

Bit rude... but you shouldn't be seeing someone else's woman,

a woman who clearly hates ya. I've always had a soft spot for Vanessa.

She's the only woman who's ever... liked me.

Oh, Nev, loads of women like you.

Even I snogged you once. Yes, you did, didn't you?

I was hammered. Never going to happen again. Right.

Right... I remember my first kiss -

it was with Shaun, our stable boy. Daddy got so mad, he had him fired.

Sounds like Shaun got off very lightly. No, I broke his nose.

No! Can we please just concentrate, for a minute?!

Thank you! Right, back to the dummy. Neville?

Hmm? Can you get its heart started?

CPR starts with compression to the chest and breath to the mouth.

Oh, this, er, reminds me of the last time I saw dad.

Oh, don't worry, Neville. I'll bring this zombie back to life.

Ohh!

Oh, fantastic, good work, Charlie!

You've just decapitated a member of the public.

What do you say to the person whose head you just pulled off?

I'm sorry I pulled off your head. It won't happen again.

You are beyond hopeless. I didn't mean to. It was an accident.

Enough! I hereby declare today's training over.

Brian, Margaret, Neville, Linda,

congratulations. You've all passed first-aid training. Well done.

What about me, Daniel? It'd be good to know so I can tell Daddy...

No! Charlie, no. You haven't passed. You have failed. Miserably!

He's defeated me, Harry. Ah, come on, mate.

You can't give up like that. Give up? I'm doing more than giving up.

I'm handing in my notice. You can't do that! Don't be daft.

I'll just tell Gavin straight.

I hope he still lets me come to the barbecue.

Apparently Adele's going to be there.

Sue, I need your help. It's Ian.

I've been winding him up about a made-up fox and he's gone mental.

He's going to quit. How do you expect me to help?

You're the smartest one here. You'll think of something.

Go and get a bin bag from Houseware.

Listen, Charlie, I'm sorry I failed you at first aid.

But there was a good reason -

you were terrible.

I've let you down. I just really wanted to be good at something

and I really thought that being a nurse would be it.

You don't get to be a nurse.

But I am going to give you another try.

What, really?

You mean it? Yep. I'm not going to give up on you.

Even if I have to try and try and try... and try and try again.

I promise I won't let you down. I'll be the best nurse you ever trained.

Um... Yeah.

Again, not... not a nurse.

Just pretend it's Vanessa. How you going to break up with her?

Oh, you... you're looking fantastic.

You don't compliment her! You're supposed to lay down the law!

Vanessa, here's the thing.

Maybe it's not, er, working out.

Shut up, Neville, you worm!

No. No, I don't think what we're doing is fair on Mike.

Or me. And... And I'm not standing for it.

Yes. Come on, Nev. Come on. You have treated me like dirt

my entire adult life and I am not dirt.

I am Neville, I am a good man

and you are dumped, Vanessa.

Oh, I am, am I?

Vanessa! Ooh!

What a lovely surprise.

Just messing about with a dummy.

Yes, I can see that. Didn't sound like messing about.

Just harmless fun...

Oh, for God's sake, Nev, tell her! Stay out of it, love.

Why don't you leave Neville alone?

Neville, tell this blonde bimbo that the grown-ups are talking.

Now, hang on. Linda here is not a bimbo.

She is a very lovely woman.

A woman who I actually once kissed.

Will you get to the point, Nev?

I don't want to see you any more, Vanessa.

Fine.

In fact, I was coming in to end it anyway.

Neville, you are the most pathetic man I've...

Shut up.

You shut up and get out!

And stay out! You... You're horrible!

Yes, Nev! Ooh, I'm hyperventilating.

Has she gone? Yes! Yes...

Now, it was only intended as a private barbecue.

Now...

Now, there's been a lot of crossed wires,

so, unfortunately, the barbecue is off.

What? Bloody heck, Gav, I've already bought 68 burgers!

I'm sorry, but it was only supposed to be for family and friends.

I thought we were your friends. What happened to the Valco family?

I thought we had a date. Er, what? No...

Sorry, there's a difference between home life and work life.

That's the way it is. What's going on?

Barbecue's off. Want to buy some burgers?

Oh, great. I really wanted to see Adele. ALL: Yeah.

Oh, what am I thinking? Of course you're my family!

Will you do me the honour of joining me for a barbecue this weekend?

Result! That's great news, Gav.

Hope your garden's big. My four Labradors need space to run wild.

Gavin, I've got something to tell you. Ian, Ian! Ian!

Excuse me.

We got it! Got what?

It was in the fish section. Brained it with a four-pack of tinned tuna.

He's gone, Ian. He's gone. Oh, thank you!

Thank you so much! I thought I'd never get him!

Well, you didn't, but... You thought you had me, didn't you?

I'm sorry, but what in the name of black hell is going on?

Nothing, Gavin. It's just...

It's been a bit of a long day.

Cheers, Gav. See you at the barbie.

Come on!

Come on, Charlie. Get this right and you've passed!

Oh, my God, the pressure! My brain is literally exploding.

You're so close. OK...

Your heart is...

there.

That's right, Charlie! You've passed! Oh, my God! Just tell me,

I can't take the suspense any more. I just did. You've passed.

Well done! Oh, my God! Oh, God! Thank you!

Oh. Hello, you two.

How did it go? I passed! I'm a qualified nurse.

No. Not nurse. Well done, you! I knew you could do it!

Lady in red. I'll see you at the barbecue.

I'm going to bring my pony, William. He loves sausages.

Oh, what a great day! I passed! I knew it!

She didn't pass, did she? No. That would be insane.

So, if anyone chokes on a burger at the barbecue,

we're on first-aid duty, right?

So, you fancy being my date for Gavin's barbecue?

Not on your life. Oh.

Mwa! Oh...

Come on, slowcoach. All right! All right!

Sue! The fox! It's here!

Pull the other one, you lying git.

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