Original subtitles

I've prepared something... I'm not saying that.

Can she just stop that now?

Hup! Aw, he keeps on moving it. Hup!

From booze to biscuits!

Red hot deals. Loads of two-for-ones.

Don't forget the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way. Tick.

Tick. And I'm not doing that "tick" thing, either!

Am I getting paid for this?

Serves you right!

Valco - serves you right!

And I'd put the decimal point in the wrong place,

so instead of ordering, um...

..4,000,

I was actually ordering...

..400!

Anyway, um...

Final item, there's been a spate

of forged banknotes in the area recently,

so, um, keep your eyes peeled

and your ears...

..listening. Over to you there, Daniel. Thank you.

OK, I just want to go over quickly, what to do

if a customer gives you a fake note.

No point. Waste of time.

What's next, Gavin? I hadn't finished, Rose.

But you can't fool me. I'm not an idiot!

Well, I'll come to you, then, Rose, because you can fool me

quite a lot of the time.

Don't go to Rose. If someone gives you a note

and you think it's a fake... Never going to happen.

When it comes to criminals, I've got a sixth sense.

If a customer gives you a note and you think it's a fake...

What, the customer or the note?

The... note. You can't tell whether a customer's a fake.

I can - every time.

I...think we're getting a little side-tracked here,

so, just to confirm, if you get a note,

then ring your bell and confiscate it.

All right? Thank you, everyone.

Daniel...

Well, everybody knows that. We don't need to be told.

No, just...

There you are, love. Thank you. Thank you.

Unbelievable.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Are you all right, Dr Brian? You look ever so red.

Cancel my appointments for today, Marge.

This is an A1 priority.

Right.

Where do you keep your appointments, again?

In my diary, Margaret! Erm...

It's here, here, here.

Right.

So, what is scheduled for today?

Er, Jewish New Year.

No, no, that's not an appointment,

that's just a date they put in the diary. What else is there?

Well, there's no appointments today... Uh-huh.

..or tomorrow... Yep.

..or at all.

Well, that's good, actually, because this can't wait.

Someone - and you won't believe this when I tell you -

someone has parked their car in my space.

Oh, Dr Brian!

Phew.

I didn't know you had a space.

Well, not officially, no.

But if they had any respect for what I do, they'd give me one.

I mean, this pharmacy is the front line

in the battle between life and death!

Do you sell verruca cream?

Er... it would be somewhere over there, love.

Is that your car, parked out front?

No, I came on the bus.

Are you all right to look after Charlie today?

I've got 102 things to do.

I'll do my best. She's a bit of a handful, that girl.

Yes, but her father does own the company and, er...

he's got a bit of a temper.

They say that if your sales are down,

he takes you into the car park

and makes you wrestle for your job.

Right.

But don't worry, I'm sure we can keep him happy

and turn Charlie into a competent employee.

Daniel? Oh, look! She's thriving already.

What do you call this?

That's a trolley cage.

Ah, OK. I have gotten my hand stuck in a "trolley cage".

What do you mean it's fake? What's fake about it?

It's technical. Well, show us, then.

Yeah, definitely fake. I've got to keep it, Valco policy.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Er, fake note! Fake note! Customer's given us a fake note!

Keep your voice down. This is illegal. It's immoral.

How do you sleep at night? Oh, you know what? Forget it.

Thank you for shopping at Valco.

There we are.

Vanessa.

Oh, er... Everything all right?

I want you, Neville. I want you right now.

You want me?

Oh, I see.

That's a relief, I thought you were angry.

Your sexy face

is quite like your angry face.

Now, Neville.

Well, I would, but, to be honest...

..I feel bad for Mike.

I've known him for years. I hate going behind his back.

He and I were constantly going behind your back.

Even on our wedding day.

Well, to be fair to Mike,

he was under a lot of pressure.

Being best man is... is very stressful.

I've got a few errands to run and then I'll be back later.

We are going to make love

and I won't take "no" for an answer.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal, actually, so...

What did you get? What did you get?

I'll tell you when I...

French. Oh, what? Do I have to?

You can eat the dodgy forfeit yoghurt instead.

Fine.

Good morning customers, ziz is an announcement

to remind you all zat Valco Treat Yourself meals

are on two-for-one. Sank you.

What was that? What? It was better than your German yesterday.

How dare you say zat!

Do you have any hobbies, Daniel?

Er, if we could just focus on the task.

Oh, right. I can see why you're assistant manager.

Your parents must be very proud. Are they? Er, yeah, well, they are.

Cos you're so young.

I've been working at Valco since I was 16, so...

16? No way!

Right. Put the eggs...

on the shelf. Mm-hm.

Free-range...

..here.

And our Value range, you can put here.

Are you even legally allowed to work that young?

Yes.

Did you not go to University?

Er. No, I didn't. If we could just focus...

I went to University for a little bit. Well actually, I didn't get in at first,

but then my Father bought this new wing at Bristol and so I went there for a term,

but then there was this fire, which actually had nothing to do with me.

But in the end, I just went skiing.

Just put the eggs on the shelf.

Whoa!

OK.

Oh, Daniel? Quick question.

What are eggs?

I'm joking!

I'm not a complete durr brain, Daniel.

Daniel?

Yeah, very funny.

No, seriously, just...

Ooh. What you doing for lunch?

You. Nice.

What's on the menu?

Well, for starters...

He's always loved a sandwich, haven't you, Colin?

Cheese and pickle, with a can of fizzy pop.

Talk about it later, yeah? Oh, now then. What's this?

What's this, then? Oh, God.

Is that Colin? Yeah. Just out of the bath,

standing to attention like a little nudey soldier.

Where's his... Little winky?

Everyone always asks that.

No-one ever spots your little winky, do they, Collyflower?

No, Nana!

We didn't know whether he was a boy or a girl till he was three!

So, what you doing for lunch?

Oh, me and Colin usually go out back and he takes me up the...

Chip shop.

Up the chip shop. For a pie.

No! Let's just go to the canteen.

Lovely. I can't wait!

Yes, darling?

Is that your car?

Is that your car?

Is that your car?

Brian?

What on earth are you doing?

Some irresponsible moron has parked in my space.

Is that your car?

How many more times? It is not your parking space.

Oh, really? Take a look at that, then.

It's a photo of a car.

Not a car, my car. And where it's parked?

The same spot. Same spot. Same spot.

Same spot. Don't make me show you all 56.

Don't tell me you've taken 56 photos of your car?

I knew this day would come.

Brian, no-one gets a reserved parking space.

The disabled do.

That is completely different.

There are six disabled parking spots out there.

You have a look round the store, how many people in a wheelchair?

None. How many Pharmacists?

Brian, just... get back to work.

And the disabled get their own toilet. What about me?

Heaven forefend someone should die while I'm queueing for the bog.

You are not having a toilet for the pharmacy counter.

I hope you're pleased with yourself.

The thing with our Colin is, he compares every woman he meets to me.

So they're always going to be, you know...

Taller?

I mean, how many other women have wiped his bum,

cleaned his teeth and washed his little chappy in a sink?

Next, please.

Just this, please, darling.

Been a while since I've been called "darling".

Especially by a handsome young fellow, like yourself.

Mind you, my lad, Colin...

His friends always tell me how young I look.

That's, er... 199.99.

There you go.

I'll just get some batteries for the remote. Right.

Eh, Rose? Them notes look dodgy.

Do they?

I thought you were an expert?

Who does he think he is, trying to get that by you?

He must think I'm some dumb floozy, only got this job cos of how I look.

You cheeky beggar. What's this?

What? There's nothing wrong with it.

I just got them from the bank.

I may be an attractive woman, but I have got a brain in my head.

I'm keeping these and I'm calling my manager.

No you're not. Give them back.

Tell it to the Police, you drug addict!

You're not right in the head.

Don't take that tone with me.

Well don't be such a silly cow, then!

Well, these all seem real to me.

Once again, I am sorry for the misunderstanding, Mr Rogers

and for the inappropriate physical contact.

It was a slap. And I want an apology.

It was self-defence. He had that look in his eyes.

Pure lust, it was.

Like a randy stag.

What? Look, he's doing it now!

All I said was, "You're not right in the head"!

You... No, Rose! Just... stop it!

Now perhaps if you can just apologise to Mr Rogers,

then maybe we can move on with our day.

I can't believe you're taking his side over mine.

And me, a widow! It's not about sides...

Do you hate me, Gavin? Is that it?

Well, of course not.

If I've led you on in any way,

if you feel hurt and jilted, angry...

Good God, no!

I don't feel that way about you at all.

I want an apology.

On behalf of Valco and its affiliate companies I apologise...

From her!

Well, perhaps she can just write you a letter?

Right.

I'm suing you, I'm suing her

and I'm suing your poxy little supermarket!

Do you know, I'm not sure if this is real.

Well, I can't see that hologram thingy.

No, Margaret, that's not how you spot a fake coin.

You have to bite it, to taste the zinc alloy.

Ooh... That's real.

Ooh, I'm going to show that to my Alan.

He gets very angry about forgeries,

ever since he bought that fake spoon.

Ooh. Is your space free yet?

No.

Honestly, the lack of respect for pharmacists

in this country is a disgrace.

Oh! They're leaving! They're leaving!

The space, it's free! Get the keys, quickly,

before someone else gets it! Where are they?

In my coat!

Come on, come on, come on...

No, the other pocket!

Quickly, Margaret, please... Don't touch those!

Never touch those ones.

Oh, forget it.

Leave that space!

Do not park there... Unbelievable.

OK, let's try and find something that might suit you a bit better.

Um, what kind of things are you good at? Horse riding.

What's wrong?

I've got a migraine.

Oh, hey!

Do you know what I am good at?

What? Baking.

FIRE ALARM

Sorry, "bad". I'm bad at baking, Daniel.

Oh, my head.

Rose?

Rose?

Sorry... I didn't answer.

I've... lost my voice, from crying.

Rose, I wondered if we could have another chat

about this slapping incident?

Gavin, I'm as much to blame as you are.

I wouldn't say that I'm to blame, actually...

Well, it's not about right and wrong.

Well, it is actually. It is wrong to hit a customer.

Rose, what you did was very serious,

so I would like you to take some time off

whilst I work out what to do about it.

You want me to stay at home? Mm-hm.

On my own? Mm-hm.

With the lights out?

Naked?

No!

Gavin, we're very attractive people,

but this is our place of work.

Rose, please just go home

and stay there till I call you.

Fine.

If that's what you want.

I just hope I don't become one of those people that lose their job

and then dies the next week.

But don't worry,

if I do die, it won't be your fault.

Not entirely.

Tess of the D'Urbervilles!

You leave me no choice, Gavin. I'm parking here.

No, absolutely not! Get out!

There's tonnes of room.

This is a storage area!

There's yellow lines on the floor for parking.

They're for the emergency services.

Pharmacists are the third emergency service.

Nobody bothers with the fire brigade anymore.

Out, now!

Right, come on then.

But I'm a little busy at the moment, darling.

Neville, now.

Message received and understood, my jewel.

Where are we actually going to go?

Mike's car. I've parked it round the back.

Ah, my old Volvo.

Yes, I used to love that car.

Although the seats did give me crippling back spasms...

Neville, I'm on a double yellow.

Right you are. I'll shall... write a note.

Right. Counter closed...

..back in five minutes.

Back in ten minutes?

We're not doing it twice. No, right...

It's well out of order, Nan.

You know you're just this harmless...

old lady...

You know? You've never hurt anyone.

Apart from the bloke she hit.

Yeah, all right, Lis.

And the pigeon she drowned.

You just won't let that drop, will you?

Well, you're a good lad, Collyflower. Help me on with this.

Come on. Yeah.

Right, well, I must go and say goodbye to the girls on the tills.

They'll be devastated.

I'm too upset to walk.

You'll have to carry me.

OK, OK. Come on. Yeah, that's it.

I've got you. Oh! Come on.

Oh, careful. Help me.

Ow! Just give me your arm, Nan.

It's been lovely here, seeing you every day.

I'll just have to come round more in the evenings.

You can't sack Rose.

Well, she's not been sacked. She's been suspended, pending a review.

Whoa. She fought in the war, man.

Yeah, I'm not sure that she did.

She's dying, Gavin. She's not dying.

Well, it's not like she hit someone. That's exactly what she did.

Really? God, that's terrible.

Yes, I know! What do you think we've been talking about?

Well, to be honest, I just came in to check my e-mails.

Rose is like, well popular, Gavin.

If you sack her, you'll have a riot on your hands. Gavin...

Neville, my hands were tied, she hit a customer!

Right. I'm not sure what you mean.

Could I trouble you for the first aid box?

I need some heat rub. What...

Why? It's on the wall.

Listen, I appreciate your concern for Rose.

And perhaps I have been a bit... You know... Of a monster?

..hasty. But she's put me in a very difficult position...

Oh, that stings.

Look, I know Rose can be well annoying.

And I know she bangs on about Colin being her little soldier

and how they still have baths together. We don't have baths...

And let's face it, we've all thought about killing her.

All right, Lis... But this job is all she's got, Gavin.

You can't take that away from her.

Agh... My eyes!

So, what was it we painted again? It looked ever so familiar.

A pharmaceutical cross, Margaret.

A universally acknowledged symbol of peace and hope.

Have you seen Rose?

Brian!

Please tell me it isn't you who's vandalised the car park.

Vandalised?

I've painted a pharmaceutical cross.

I've probably tripled the value of that car park.

There's paint all over the cars!

And the trolley wheels!

Collateral damage.

Brian, will you please just get the paint off your parking space.

"My" parking space?

Er... "The" parking space. You said "my" parking space.

It was a slip of the tongue.

A Freudian slip, because you know that morally, that space is mine.

Fine.

Will you please remove the paint from your parking space,

but will you also agree that even though it is your space,

other people may use it whenever they want?

That's all you had to say.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited. What am I going to be called?

Whatever you want. It's kind of like a new job.

Mmmm. Oh can I be the head of something? Can I? Can I? Can I?

Sure. Hey, you know what, as your dad owns the whole store,

it's kind of like your store. Mm-hm.

So you can welcome people.

Like at a party? Exactly.

Hmm... But remember what we said?

Oh - no touching the products, or the customers,

or the trolleys or the tills.

Yes. So, how about, um...

Hostess?

Or "Head of Greeting"?

I love it!

Bienvenue to Valco, madam.

Bonjour, madam. My, what an awful lot of deodorant you have.

Hello Sir...

Ooh! No, that was close!

Yeah? Yeah.

You don't have to go, I am retracting your suspension.

You're apologising, finally.

It takes a real man to admit when he's wrong.

I respect that, Gavin.

Yeah, again, just to stress, I'm not wrong.

You did hit a customer.

I just had a bit of a rethink, that's all.

You're giving me a telly?

No, I can't possibly accept, Gavin.

Oh, no, no. This is for Mr Rogers.

I phoned him and he was more than happy to accept it

in return for dropping the charges. It's more than fair.

You're giving him a telly?

After what he said to me?

Don't cry!

Hold me.

I need to be held.

Hello, sir. Enjoy your fish!

Hello! Great to see young people in...

and old!

Welcome. Bienvenue.

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