Original subtitles

I've prepared something... I'm not saying that.

Can she just stop that now?

Hoo-ah! Aww, he keeps on moving it. Hoo-ah!

From booze to biscuits!

Red-hot deals. Loads of two-for-ones.

Don't forget the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way.

Tick. Tick. And I'm not doing that tick thing either!

Am I getting paid for this?

Serves you right!

Valco. Serves you right!

Morning, ladies.

Can't stop and chat. I'm running late. Overslept. Ha!

What are you on about, Neville?

No, no, no, my lips are sealed.

A gentleman never tells.

Don't try and twist my arm.

All right, yes, there was a lady involved, but I'm saying no more!

What are you two like, eh?

Neville got some action, then. Was it you?

No way! Shut up will, ya!

Oh, Daniel...

I remember my first day in management.

I was so nervous, I hadn't even realised

I'd got my socks on the wrong feet.

All day!

Right. Well, erm...

I've been working with Valco Lewisham since I was 16,

so the management bit is new,

but the rest of it is really, really, really familiar.

Well, you'll find us to be a straight-sailing ship here, Daniel.

I'm no maverick... despite appearances.

I like things done by the book. Understood.

And the only advice I will give you is something that...

I'd better get that - it's Head Office.

Shall I just wait outside?

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. We've got no secrets here.

You're my deputy.

Hello. Gavin Strong's office. Gavin speaking.

H-here?! Today?

Get out. Just get out.

Yeah. Shut the door.

Who are you? I'm Gavin's... You're not Gavin!

Anything I can help you with, er...Rose?

I just served a smelly man. A smelly, smelly, man.

It can't happen again.

So from now on, I'm not serving anyone I don't like the look of.

Erm, I'm not sure it's OK to do that.

Well, I'm not sure it's OK to be waltzing around

pretending to be Gavin, but that's the way things are.

Change of plan, I'm afraid, Daniel.

I'm going to have to let you introduce yourself.

Is everything OK?

We've just got a new till girl arriving any minute.

Just an ordinary run-of-the-mill till girl.

There's nothing at all to be worried about.

I hope you don't mind, Brian,

but I need to leave a bit early tonight if that's all right.

Course it is. You going somewhere nice?

A doctor's appointment.

Absolutely not. Pardon?

I can't allow you to waste your time like that. Just come to me!

Oh! Oh, well, if it's no bother...

I was born with the power to diagnose.

I say power, because it is.

Hey, do it on Ian.

Oh, that's easy. Heavy gait on the left side. The freckled cheek.

The hairy hand. Sluggish liver.

Rubbish! Let's just wait for the post-mortem, shall we?

All right, then, go on - use your powers on me.

Brilliant.

Unless it's to do with your lady parts?

I don't do lady parts.

Yes, it is. I've got a buzzy hip.

Margaret, you're not supposed to tell me! I was gonna say that.

I've had it for a week or so.

But then, we've got bad hips in my family, the lot of us.

I think it must be hereditary. Which side?

Me mother's.

Yes...

There's my cauliflower. I've got you some lunch.

Oh, cheers, Nan.

Well, if I can't make sure you're getting a decent meal at home,

at least I can feed you up at work.

Excuse me - we eat perfectly well at home, thanks.

I cooked him chicken and mushroom last night.

Pot Noodle? Might have been.

I made you some sticky toffee pudding too.

Only one spoon...for a reason.

Rose, can you get back on your till, please?

Well, of course I can, young man.

Ability isn't in question.

I just might not feel inclined to.

Please? Now you're getting it. Clever old you.

What are you looking it? Don't eyeball me, Lis.

Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt. She is out of order!

What - for making me puddings?! What, and I don't?!

I just wanted to say....

I'm the new deputy manager here. Daniel.

All right.

Can I ask you a question? Please do.

If your girlfriend was being attacked by a vicious cow...

Hang on! You weren't attacked. And she's not vicious.

I'm sure she isn't. Whose side are you on? No-one's.

Whoa! So you're saying my nan IS a vicious cow?

No, no, no, no. I wasn't... You don't even know her.

You should learn to mind your own business, mate.

Yeah, you're lucky I don't give you a slap right now, man.

Don't let him get to you, babe. He's not worth it, whoever he is.

Yeah, you're right.

And you're sexy as hell.

You weren't followed, were you?

I-I don't think so. No.

I'm only messing with you, Gavin. I'm only messing with you.

Brendan O'Connor. Pleased to meet you.

Oh, I know exactly who you are, sir,

and it's a real honour to welcome you to our store,

or should I say...your store. Listen.

About the delivery. Do you want to meet her?

Absolutely. The privilege is all mine.

I'm just messing with you, Gavin! I'm only messing with you.

You don't honestly think I'd let my only daughter

travel in the boot of me car, do you?

DO YOU?!

She's in here.

Hi!

Hello. And welcome to Valco Warrington.

Oh, hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Charlie.

Hello, I'm Daniel. I'm the new Deputy Manager here

and I'm very much looking forward

to working with you and the rest of the team.

Hello, Daniel. I am Susan.

I am a Customer Services Co-ordinator

and this is my trusty assistant, Linda.

Enchanted to make your acquaintance, Daniel.

Ah. You're taking the mick, right?

Sorry, love! We're just having a laugh.

The handshake was a bit much, yeah?

A bit. We're more high fives round here than handshakes.

Aww. Nice little waistcoat, though.

Oh. Thanks.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm here if you need anything.

Anything? Yeah, anything at all.

Even if it's something we might want

that we haven't had in, like, three months....

Now all I want you to do is show her the ropes from the ground up.

But don't tell anyone that she is my daughter, whatever you do.

She's had more money than sense thrown at her, that girl.

She needs to learn the value of a hard day's graft.

Isn't that right, darling? Yep!

Because if she screws this up...

..she's dead to me. Do you follow?

You're messing with me, aren't you? Yes I've got it!

I've never been more serious, Gavin.

Oh, I don't understand this.

How can someone have no reflexes at all?!

Well, maybe you need a bigger spoon.

Or maybe I need a smaller knee.

Stand up for me.

Ooh! Ooh, there it goes again, buzzing away.

Oh, my Alan thinks I'm making it up.

He thinks I'm jealous of his impetigo.

Oh...do I mean impetigo? What do I mean?

I have no idea. Sit down again. Let's do this one more time.

Impotence! Do I mean impotence?

Oh, I hope not.

Trailer for sale or rent Rooms to let 50 cents...

Neville? Neville?

No phone, no pool, no pets...

Neville!

I ain't got no cigarettes...

Neville? Neville. NEVILLE!

Have you had sex?

Ahh...that would be telling.

Yes. Yes, I have. With a lady.

Do you know what this means -

you've now had more than one woman in the whole of your life.

Lay me some skin, man.

Well, nope, no. Actually, still just the one.

Just the...

I don't follow.

It was with my ex-wife.

Nooooooo! You had your ex!

Mmm, that is messed-up man!

I know. I know. But damn it, Colin, it was worth it.

It felt just like the old days,

without the insults and the bitterness.

So obviously, like, she's not with your best mate any more?

No, she's still very much with...

Mike!

I was wondering if we might have a quick chat? Oh.

You at the back, are those pyjama bottoms?

Go home and pop something else on, please.

Rose! ..No, please, don't.

Rose! Rose. Rose.

You really can't do this.

Who are you? I'm Daniel - we just met.

I know that. I'm not senile.

I bet your mum's proud of you, is she? I bet she is.

Yes, she is, but Rose, you have to serve whoever comes to your till.

That's how this works. Well, that's wrong, Daniel.

I'll carry on until I'm told to stop.

But...I just told you to stop.

Bless!

Give us a look.

Give that back. It's personal.

What is it? It's a bucket list.

Brian's just told me I've got a sluggish liver.

It's got me thinking. You know, you only live once and all that.

"Redo the back patio. Insulate the loft."

It's gotta be done.

Ian, that's not a bucket list, that's a to-do list!

A bucket list is stuff like swim with dolphins,

bungee jump naked, meet Joanna Lumley...

Not just odd jobs around the house!

There is something I've always wanted.

Go on. You can tell me.

I'd like to wear a massive nappy.

In retrospect, I was more comfortable with the DIY stuff.

Well, this is the stock... Atchoo!

Bless you. This is the stock room... Atchoo!

Bless you. This is the stock room where we... Atchoo! Bless you.

This is where we keep all the stock. Sorry, I'm allergic to everything.

Let's hope it's not Valco.

Or you! Imagine if I was allergic to you?

How weird would that be?

Yeah. Quite weird.

I think we should start you on tills this morning.

Obviously, we'll give you some training.

Oh, Gavin, seriously! My dad owns the company.

I think I can manage a few tills.

Ah, yes. Now, erm, about that... erm...

Just before we go out there,

your father thinks that it might be best

if we didn't tell people who you are just yet.

Thank God for that!

You have no idea how difficult it is for me living in that man's shadows.

I'm sure. I mean, people are always like,

"Oh, you only won the Pony Club trials because of your dad!"

And I mean, yes, he owns the horse and the field

and the company that sponsored the event,

but Misty actually jumped really well on her own that day, Gavin.

Yes, it must be very tough for you.

So, yeah, the last thing I want everybody to know

is that my Dad owns Valco.

Atchoo!

Bless you.

Hi, I'm Charlie. My Dad owns Valco.

Nnnghhh!

Your dad owns Valco?! For real? Sorry, Gavin. Rumbled!

Yeah, you're good. You should work for MI5 or something.

What? Come on! Is this like Secret Millionaire or summat?

Yeah, if we're, like, dead nice to you

and prove our life's a bit whack, will you write us a cheque?

Oh, I totally would, but I don't have my cheque book on me.

It was confiscated. I'm happy with cash.

Are you serving me or you just having a chat?

Oh, we're just having a chat.

What?

OK, madam.

That'll be ?110.52.

Is that right? That seems very reasonable for all that.

It's about what I normally spend a week.

Bargain. How much is milk?

One pound! For all that?!

That's like a whole udder's full.

Oh are you paying by card? Umm...

You don't have any cash on you, do you? No. Bummer.

Is everything all right? Oh, yes! Just fine.

Hello. Bonjour. Sorry. I'm Charlie, by the way.

Um...you...you have a customer....

Oh, I know! It's awesome, isn't it?

So, the thing is, I don't really know how to use the card machine,

so how about this time...

we just...leave it?

But I haven't even paid. Ssh!

Oh, thank you for shopping at Valco, madam. Have a lovely day!

I don't know what's wrong with her, Neville.

She's just turned so cold towards me, emotionally, physically,

even literally. I mean, she is actually very cold to the touch.

Yes, she is. Yeah. Extraordinary.

Tell me I'm crazy, Nev, but I think she might be having an affair.

Noooooooooooo!

No, no, no, no, no.

No. No.

Thank you for shopping at Valco, sir. Goodbye!

I'm not sure that went through.

Yes. Yes, it did. Yes, it definitely did. Yep. You go.

How big is your house, then?

Which one? How many have you got?

In this country or just in general?

How many countries are we talking?

What? In the world? I don't know. I'm not very good at geography.

Well, I wasn't very good at many things at school, to be honest.

Well, hello again, madam!

My, what a lot of vodka and cheese you're buying.

Er, Charlie, are you letting them go without paying?

I think I might be. That's really bad, isn't it?

Yeah!

But then, it is your shop, so I guess you can do what you like.

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so. Yeah. Woo woo!

It's at times like these a man needs his best friend.

Maybe I should've let you keep her in the first place.

Well, the thought has crossed my mind in the past.

Don't get up, Gavin.

This won't take long.

I just wanted to say I think you should keep Daniel on.

Well, that was the plan.

I know he's young and inexperienced

and at times he does make some really gauche mistakes,

but I like him. Good.

So Daniel stays. Well, yes, he does.

I knew you'd listen to sense. Well done, you!

Don't get up. I'll show myself out.

No, no, I won't let her make an idiot out of me

like we did with you.

I'm going to find out who it is, and when I do...

I'm going to kill him.

Oh. Are you really?

I'm going to gut the rogue right in front of her.

I'm gonna pull him apart limb from limb.

I'm not sure you should be touching the produce, really.

I'm going to make him wish he'd never set eyes on her.

He probably wishes that already.

Oh, Neville, it's good to have you back.

My true, most loyal friend.

I've missed you.

I've missed you too.

Rose. Rose, I've told you. You must serve whoever comes to your till.

Do I make myself clear?

It's nothing to do with me. Ask them.

What on earth is going on? Erm, here's the thing...

I think I might have accidentally

let a few people go through without paying.

How many people? All of the people.

See, I got confused and I didn't want to cause a fuss.

What? So you let them steal their shopping?

It's...it's not that bad, is it?

It's theft! Shut your till down. Get your things.

Calm down. She made a mistake, that's all! No, listen.

Take note. This is what happens to staff who flout the rules here.

I'm not gonna stand for it. Do I make myself clear?

Are YOU sacking HER? Seriously?

Yeah, I am, actually. How about that?

What?! Get your things and report to Gavin's office.

But I just... Now!

Ooh!

Unless you've broken your spine,

or you've got two spines and they're vibrating together...

Do you want me to take off me trousers? Absolutely not.

I took your advice, Gavin! I showed them who's boss.

Well, deputy boss. Good for you!

That new girl, though, erm, we're going to have to let her go.

Who's that, then? Charlie.

OK, no need to panic.

Would you mind running me through exactly what you've done,

what you've said and why in the name of Hebden Bridge you've done it?!

I followed standard Valco company procedure.

She's emptying her locker, she's reporting to your office.

Hey, you big handsome banana! How are ya?

Mr O'Connor, back so soon! Daniel, you know Mr O'Connor, of course.

Of course! It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

I've been working at Valco since I was 16.

Ah! Good man! A whole year and a half, then.

A whole year and a half!

No, I'm 26.

I know you that, you fruit basket, you!

I'm only messing with you!

I came to collect Charlie.

End of her first day and all that,

but I didn't see her out on the shop floor. Where is she?

Yes, Charlie. Might I be allowed to let Daniel in on that?

I told you I'd break your legs if you told anyone else, Gavin!

Yes, you did. Sorry. But I don't mind you telling this fella...

Right, good. So, what you don't know, Daniel,

is that Charlotte, our newest recruit, is in fact

Mr O'Connor's daughter. Is she?

Yes. So perhaps you'd like to go and find her quite quickly

and let her know the situation.

That's presuming you now understand the situation.

Yes, I do. I will do it... Oh, here she is!

Ah! There's my little worker bee!

What's the matter with you, pumpkin?

Gavin, what the hell is going on here?

She's been marvellous, hasn't she, Daniel?

Absolutely marvellous. She's made quite an impact already.

But Daniel told me to report to Gavin's office.

Yes, he did...because...

I wanted you to know...

I am...

promoting you!

What?!

Oh, my God! I thought you were going to sack me,

because Daniel said that...

Aaaaah! La la la, la la!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

We can't have your talents wasted on the tills.

But I had to clear out my locker and Daniel was really angry.

Yeah, well, that's just... Well, we were just...

messing with you!

It's...it's...it's just our little joke.

I love this little fruit basket!

Come on, we'll go and celebrate. Has she finished her shift?

Not exactly, but you go on right ahead.

Thanks, Gavin. Thanks, Daniel.

Messing!

Look, call the surgery. Tell them you can't make it.

Oh, I don't know.

Then give the phone to me - I'll call them.

Margaret?

Is this similar to the buzzing?

Ooh, yeah, it's just like that.

Yeah, you see, it's not your hip, it's your phone.

You've got it switched to vibrate.

Ooh!

Oh, and I've been so worried.

Oh, aren't you a clever clogs!

Pharmacy wins again. Never been to a GP in my life. Never will.

Well, I suppose you don't need to, do you,

cos you can always ask your wife

or your brother or your other brother or your...

Yes, all right, Margaret, thank you.

I'm sorry about today, Gavin. I really messed things up, didn't I?

I just wasn't myself.

Oh, don't be daft. We all make mistakes.

Anita Lamb from the Wigan branch,

she shot a man with an automatic stapler on her first day.

Well, maybe I had my socks on the wrong feet.

Well, I think you would have known about that by now!

It's unbearable.

Tomorrow is another day, Daniel.

Yeah, I hope so. Anyway, good night.

Good night.

You see, I told you he was worth keeping.

Uh, really Rose, I was never... There's no need to thank me!

Wasn't going to.

Come on.

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