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1
00:00:01,224 --> 00:00:02,684
Valco. Serves you right.
2
00:00:02,791 --> 00:00:04,851
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
3
00:00:04,931 --> 00:00:06,151
Can she stop that now?
4
00:00:06,291 --> 00:00:08,211
Fish and ticks.
5
00:00:08,371 --> 00:00:09,571
Red hot deals.
6
00:00:09,631 --> 00:00:12,070
Offers on everything from
booze to biscuits.
7
00:00:12,071 --> 00:00:13,651
Loads of two-for-ones.
8
00:00:13,831 --> 00:00:15,750
Boom.
9
00:00:15,751 --> 00:00:17,670
Fresh produce. Delivered daily.
10
00:00:17,671 --> 00:00:18,630
Am I getting paid for this?
11
00:00:18,631 --> 00:00:19,911
Don't forget the Valco tick.
12
00:00:19,991 --> 00:00:21,471
Oh, Valco tick. That way.
13
00:00:21,651 --> 00:00:23,430
Serves you right.
14
00:00:23,431 --> 00:00:24,710
Valco, serves you right.
15
00:00:24,711 --> 00:00:27,147
Valco, serves you right.
16
00:00:33,091 --> 00:00:34,151
Break Out Zone.
17
00:00:34,231 --> 00:00:35,890
Break Out Zone.
18
00:00:35,891 --> 00:00:37,171
Loading bay.
19
00:00:37,331 --> 00:00:38,791
Break Out Zone, please, Katie.
20
00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:39,911
Loading bay.
21
00:00:40,071 --> 00:00:42,470
Mr France, am I in the loading bay
or the Break Out Zone?
22
00:00:42,471 --> 00:00:44,210
Loading bay. Yes!
23
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,611
Leighton, what's going on? No idea.
24
00:00:53,271 --> 00:00:54,630
Here are the headlines.
25
00:00:54,631 --> 00:00:57,671
Valco Warrington
nominated for award.
26
00:00:58,951 --> 00:01:02,311
Judges coming in to
check out the store.
27
00:01:03,891 --> 00:01:06,791
Staff in hysterics at News
at Ten style briefing.
28
00:01:08,371 --> 00:01:12,210
We've been shortlisted for
Best Retail Outlet,
29
00:01:12,211 --> 00:01:13,671
West Cheshire region!
30
00:01:15,111 --> 00:01:17,810
This competition is bigger...
31
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,431
than Jesus,
32
00:01:19,591 --> 00:01:23,270
and I've hand-picked you guys to be
my A team.
33
00:01:23,271 --> 00:01:26,770
What Richard's saying is that you've
been chosen to work today
34
00:01:26,771 --> 00:01:28,711
to impress the judges!
35
00:01:28,851 --> 00:01:32,210
Get in! I love competitions, me.
36
00:01:32,211 --> 00:01:34,770
So let's put on our game faces on,
people.
37
00:01:34,771 --> 00:01:36,011
Can I get a "whoop whoop"?
38
00:01:36,111 --> 00:01:37,510
Whoop whoop.
39
00:01:37,511 --> 00:01:39,111
- Can I get a "boom boom"?
- Boom boom.
40
00:01:39,191 --> 00:01:40,191
Can I get a "fuck, yeah?"
41
00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:41,511
No, that's a little much.
42
00:01:41,571 --> 00:01:43,250
All right, yep. You're all winners!
43
00:01:43,251 --> 00:01:44,931
Go get 'em. Go on!
44
00:01:44,991 --> 00:01:47,751
Richard. Richard, I've been
looking at the books
45
00:01:47,911 --> 00:01:50,431
and the customer numbers
are way down.
46
00:01:50,631 --> 00:01:51,751
Won't the judges notice?
47
00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:56,231
J-Dog, this store will be full
of people, trust me.
48
00:01:56,371 --> 00:01:58,931
Follow!
49
00:02:01,351 --> 00:02:03,911
It's a nervous thing.
I giggle when I'm stressed.
50
00:02:04,071 --> 00:02:05,330
Are you worried about the judges?
51
00:02:05,331 --> 00:02:07,751
I don't like 'em.
I always think they're judging me.
52
00:02:07,831 --> 00:02:08,851
What's the worst that can happen?
53
00:02:08,971 --> 00:02:11,251
They look at the fish counter,
think it's shit,
54
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:12,530
you lose us the competition,
55
00:02:12,531 --> 00:02:14,311
get sacked and end up
living in a hostel.
56
00:02:16,711 --> 00:02:19,090
You guys are my special team.
57
00:02:19,091 --> 00:02:21,031
Each and every one of you...
58
00:02:22,311 --> 00:02:23,910
..is special.
59
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,491
Oh, it's just like being at school!
60
00:02:25,671 --> 00:02:28,710
And when you're special you
make your own rules,
61
00:02:28,711 --> 00:02:32,691
even if those rules breach those
of the West Cheshire Retail Awards.
62
00:02:32,851 --> 00:02:36,210
Long story short, I want you to
cover up your uniforms,
63
00:02:36,211 --> 00:02:37,670
pretend to be customers.
64
00:02:37,671 --> 00:02:38,610
Richard!
65
00:02:38,611 --> 00:02:39,972
Do it, you'll all get double time.
66
00:02:39,991 --> 00:02:42,130
Yes! Come on! Eat my goal!
67
00:02:42,131 --> 00:02:43,251
Suck my balls.
68
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,331
I like your style, Keith. Colin.
69
00:02:45,511 --> 00:02:47,431
Richard, we really need to
talk about this.
70
00:02:47,571 --> 00:02:51,250
At no point are you to reveal
that you are staff.
71
00:02:51,251 --> 00:02:53,191
Just wander round the store,
72
00:02:53,331 --> 00:02:57,191
revelling in the awesome
beauty of Valco Better.
73
00:02:57,271 --> 00:02:59,111
Leighton, you look Confused.com.
74
00:02:59,271 --> 00:03:03,411
Do I pretend to be a customer who's
working at Valco?
75
00:03:03,571 --> 00:03:04,870
Keith, explain it to him.
76
00:03:04,871 --> 00:03:07,590
And I'm gonna need some eye
candy about the place, I think,
77
00:03:07,591 --> 00:03:10,950
so let's have you in the break out
zone looking gorgeous.
78
00:03:10,951 --> 00:03:12,550
Great. Yeah, not you. Yeah.
79
00:03:12,551 --> 00:03:13,671
Right, go.
80
00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:17,191
Richard, have you lost your mind?
81
00:03:17,351 --> 00:03:20,071
If Gavin finds out... Gavin?
Gavin who?
82
00:03:20,191 --> 00:03:22,310
There's no-one here by that name,
83
00:03:22,311 --> 00:03:23,571
not any more.
84
00:03:25,351 --> 00:03:28,230
Gavin, you've been with us now
for, what?
85
00:03:28,231 --> 00:03:29,671
Er...12 years.
86
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:30,950
It's 25, actually.
87
00:03:30,951 --> 00:03:32,071
25.
88
00:03:33,431 --> 00:03:36,530
Human Resources - bunch of muppets.
89
00:03:36,531 --> 00:03:39,331
Look, as you know, I mean,
things change, people change...
90
00:03:39,471 --> 00:03:40,871
businesses change.
91
00:03:41,031 --> 00:03:44,530
I'll save you the speech, Martin.
There's no need to sack me.
92
00:03:44,531 --> 00:03:46,771
I've written my letter of
resignation.
93
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,870
Oh, well, that's a load off.
94
00:03:48,871 --> 00:03:50,631
God, I'm rubbish
at this kind of thing.
95
00:03:50,791 --> 00:03:53,190
They sent me on a course once,
I was bloody useless.
96
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:55,271
Actually, there's a funny story about
that...
97
00:03:55,351 --> 00:03:57,171
The truth is Martin, I've...
98
00:03:57,251 --> 00:03:59,411
I've fallen out of love with Valco.
99
00:03:59,591 --> 00:04:02,291
If-If Valco were a woman, we'd be
sleeping in separate bedrooms.
100
00:04:02,471 --> 00:04:05,350
Exactly, now it's time to find a new
Valco.
101
00:04:05,351 --> 00:04:07,091
Maybe one with bigger tits, eh?
102
00:04:09,651 --> 00:04:12,531
Now, look, your contract says you've
got a one-month notice period...
103
00:04:12,671 --> 00:04:14,150
It's three months, actually.
104
00:04:14,151 --> 00:04:15,411
Three months.
105
00:04:15,491 --> 00:04:17,811
Well, look...
106
00:04:17,971 --> 00:04:20,211
If you want, you can, er,
well, leave now,
107
00:04:20,371 --> 00:04:22,950
and then you can work
out your notice at home.
108
00:04:22,951 --> 00:04:25,511
Oh, I couldn't leave the store
without doing a stock check.
109
00:04:25,651 --> 00:04:27,590
What? I'm not an animal!
110
00:04:27,591 --> 00:04:31,591
No, just, just give me a couple of
hours to finish up and I'll be gone.
111
00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:34,311
OK.
112
00:04:38,131 --> 00:04:40,871
Look, on the plus side, you're
gonna have a lot more time to spend
113
00:04:40,951 --> 00:04:42,610
with your wife and your kids.
114
00:04:42,611 --> 00:04:45,991
I haven't got any children and my
wife died four years ago.
115
00:04:48,071 --> 00:04:49,471
Human resources.
116
00:04:52,231 --> 00:04:55,110
We're getting paid to go shopping.
117
00:04:55,111 --> 00:04:57,190
This is going to be the bollocks.
118
00:04:57,191 --> 00:05:00,550
Yeah. How many widescreen tellies
can we fit in a trolley?
119
00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:01,651
Um, oh, I don't know...
120
00:05:01,791 --> 00:05:04,530
Depends on how much champagne
we've got.
121
00:05:04,531 --> 00:05:07,411
I can't believe I'm going to be
taking things off the shelves.
122
00:05:07,571 --> 00:05:09,191
I've only ever put
things on the shelf.
123
00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:11,410
It'll be like,
like landing on the moon.
124
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:13,510
I've never been shopping
without my Alan!
125
00:05:13,511 --> 00:05:15,251
Oh, I feel right independent...
126
00:05:15,331 --> 00:05:16,691
like a lesbian!
127
00:05:18,131 --> 00:05:21,031
Get us a coffee will you, Nev?
I've got ink on me tongue.
128
00:05:21,111 --> 00:05:22,791
Coming right up!
129
00:05:27,891 --> 00:05:31,590
Ahh. M-My daughter's boyfriend,
MC Poison, he changed the ringtone,
130
00:05:31,591 --> 00:05:32,851
the little prankster.
131
00:05:33,031 --> 00:05:35,590
So, it plays that tune every
time my ex-wife rings.
132
00:05:35,591 --> 00:05:37,031
Giving you grief again, is she?
133
00:05:37,191 --> 00:05:38,790
My eldest has moved back home
134
00:05:38,791 --> 00:05:41,511
and apparently it has ruined
Vanessa's holiday plans.
135
00:05:45,031 --> 00:05:48,991
I really must find the ruddy manual.
136
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,511
I can't believe he's been fired.
137
00:05:53,631 --> 00:05:56,231
Oh, come on, J-Co,
you can't be surprised about Gavin.
138
00:05:56,391 --> 00:05:58,450
You've been practically
doing his job the last month.
139
00:05:58,451 --> 00:05:59,891
Shelly! Over here.
140
00:06:01,811 --> 00:06:04,711
Not a word about the fake customers,
all right? We're in this together.
141
00:06:04,851 --> 00:06:08,051
So many lies, Richard,
I don't know if I can cope.
142
00:06:08,231 --> 00:06:11,090
Well, life is lies and lies are life.
143
00:06:11,091 --> 00:06:13,671
Ain't that the real truth?
That doesn't make sense.
144
00:06:13,731 --> 00:06:15,111
If you want to be manager,
145
00:06:15,271 --> 00:06:17,490
keep your mouth shut or I'll fire you
myself. OK?
146
00:06:17,491 --> 00:06:18,791
You ready, Shelly?
147
00:06:18,951 --> 00:06:20,051
As I'll ever be.
148
00:06:20,131 --> 00:06:21,951
Great. Right, action stations.
149
00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:27,111
Bloody hell, it's the Krankies.
150
00:06:27,171 --> 00:06:29,191
Hello!
151
00:06:29,251 --> 00:06:31,571
Good morning and welcome.
152
00:06:31,751 --> 00:06:34,931
I'm Laura Chambers.
This is my colleague, Clive.
153
00:06:35,011 --> 00:06:36,870
Oh!
154
00:06:36,871 --> 00:06:38,131
You must be Mr France?
155
00:06:38,311 --> 00:06:40,871
Oh, please, call me Richard.
156
00:06:40,931 --> 00:06:43,910
This is one of our up
and coming stars, Julie Cook.
157
00:06:43,911 --> 00:06:46,771
I think we met once at a conference
in Runcorn.
158
00:06:46,951 --> 00:06:49,191
Small world!
159
00:06:49,331 --> 00:06:51,250
Oh, God I-I'm sorry.
160
00:06:51,251 --> 00:06:53,991
And this our CEO Martin Shell.
161
00:06:54,151 --> 00:06:57,190
Strap yourself in, folks, you're in
for a hell of ride with this fella.
162
00:06:57,191 --> 00:06:59,111
Wee!
163
00:06:59,271 --> 00:07:02,311
Right, who wants champagne?
164
00:07:02,371 --> 00:07:05,651
I think we'll just get on,
thank you. Yep.
165
00:07:05,811 --> 00:07:09,671
I want to see a normal working
day in Valco Warrington.
166
00:07:09,751 --> 00:07:11,430
No tricks or gimmicks.
167
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,310
Message received and understood.
Shall we?
168
00:07:14,311 --> 00:07:16,230
No. All right.
169
00:07:16,231 --> 00:07:18,471
Give me a V-A...!
170
00:07:22,471 --> 00:07:25,511
Valco, yay...
171
00:07:25,651 --> 00:07:28,871
So, have you ever
worked in a supermarket before?
172
00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:31,591
Can you name some?
173
00:07:32,711 --> 00:07:33,991
Tesco?
174
00:07:34,071 --> 00:07:35,250
No.
175
00:07:35,251 --> 00:07:36,391
Lidl?
176
00:07:36,471 --> 00:07:37,671
No.
177
00:07:37,811 --> 00:07:40,690
Oh, how about Superdrug?
178
00:07:40,691 --> 00:07:42,271
That's more of a chemist, really.
179
00:07:42,451 --> 00:07:43,750
Oh...
180
00:07:43,751 --> 00:07:46,930
That's a shame.
Did you used to work there?
181
00:07:46,931 --> 00:07:47,911
No.
182
00:07:49,911 --> 00:07:51,590
Oh, look, darling, champers!
183
00:07:51,591 --> 00:07:54,791
Oh, ha ha ha. How absolutely
bollocking marvellarse.
184
00:07:54,871 --> 00:07:56,131
Give us a V...!
185
00:07:56,191 --> 00:07:57,810
It's my first year
as head judge,
186
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,371
so I want everything above board
and honest.
187
00:08:00,531 --> 00:08:02,150
I've taken over from Brendan Atkins
188
00:08:02,151 --> 00:08:04,530
and I don't have to tell you what
a stickler he was.
189
00:08:04,531 --> 00:08:07,591
Brendan Atkins?
Those are big shoes to fill.
190
00:08:07,651 --> 00:08:09,811
Big, big shoes.
191
00:08:11,171 --> 00:08:15,011
She means in retail-awards context.
192
00:08:15,151 --> 00:08:18,150
Oh, Julie! Julie, look!
193
00:08:18,151 --> 00:08:19,591
I'm doing it!
194
00:08:21,031 --> 00:08:25,190
We're on first name terms with
a lot of our regular customers.
195
00:08:25,191 --> 00:08:27,411
It's just like one big happy family.
196
00:08:27,551 --> 00:08:30,770
Can I ask you, madam,
what you think of Valco Better?
197
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:35,890
Oh, it's lovely. Everyone is so
friendly.
198
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:38,611
It's the best place
I've ever worked.
199
00:08:38,691 --> 00:08:39,751
Worked?
200
00:08:40,911 --> 00:08:41,931
Alzheimer's.
201
00:08:43,111 --> 00:08:44,711
Shall we press on?!
202
00:08:44,851 --> 00:08:46,950
Margaret, why don't you go
and do some shopping?
203
00:08:46,951 --> 00:08:48,871
You don't... Oh, my God!
204
00:08:50,951 --> 00:08:54,150
Leighton, you're meant to be a
customer!
205
00:08:54,151 --> 00:08:57,010
I am. I'm just a really helpful
customer who knows where the mop is.
206
00:08:57,011 --> 00:08:58,131
I'm in character.
207
00:08:58,291 --> 00:09:00,871
You're a customer. You do not work
at Valco!
208
00:09:02,151 --> 00:09:05,811
And this is a little space
I like to call the...
209
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:08,551
..Break Out Zone.
210
00:09:08,711 --> 00:09:12,551
In here, customers can chillax
with some sushi and a cappa-de-cino.
211
00:09:13,571 --> 00:09:16,871
And Neville here makes the best
Latte in the West...
212
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,251
..of Cheshire.
213
00:09:26,151 --> 00:09:29,670
Neville is part of our outreach
seminars
214
00:09:29,671 --> 00:09:32,370
that connect with our more troubled
teenage customers.
215
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:35,890
In fact, Neville's visiting
a drop-in centre for young offenders
216
00:09:35,891 --> 00:09:37,971
after his shift.
217
00:09:38,151 --> 00:09:41,511
Good work, Neville. Yeah.
Credit to the uniform.
218
00:09:41,651 --> 00:09:44,230
Actually, reaching out
to the local community
219
00:09:44,231 --> 00:09:47,250
is one of the new award criteria -
220
00:09:47,251 --> 00:09:49,330
I added it in myself this year.
221
00:09:49,331 --> 00:09:50,371
Really?
222
00:09:50,611 --> 00:09:52,831
Gosh, well, I-I had absolutely
no idea of that.
223
00:09:53,011 --> 00:09:54,611
Shall we move on?
224
00:09:54,691 --> 00:09:57,010
Yep. After you!
225
00:09:57,011 --> 00:09:58,491
Come in.
226
00:10:04,311 --> 00:10:06,310
So, you're Calvin Richards?
227
00:10:06,311 --> 00:10:09,671
Go easy on me, all right?
I've not had an interview for years.
228
00:10:16,371 --> 00:10:18,631
Leighton? Are you all right?
229
00:10:18,691 --> 00:10:21,030
Is it OK to lie sometimes, Gavin?
230
00:10:21,031 --> 00:10:22,931
Why aren't you in your uniform?
231
00:10:23,111 --> 00:10:27,751
My Alan hates grapes.
Oh, this is so much fun!
232
00:10:27,851 --> 00:10:30,211
I might even try smoking later.
233
00:10:31,911 --> 00:10:33,491
What on earth's going on?
234
00:10:33,651 --> 00:10:37,031
Er, Mr France said we have to
pretend to be customers today.
235
00:10:37,111 --> 00:10:38,471
He's asked us to lie, Gavin.
236
00:10:39,711 --> 00:10:42,783
Nights in white satin!
237
00:10:44,092 --> 00:10:47,151
Question one. Do you have any
previous experience?
238
00:10:47,152 --> 00:10:48,732
Sadly, yes, I do.
239
00:10:48,912 --> 00:10:51,292
Question two.
What skills can you offer Valco?
240
00:10:51,472 --> 00:10:54,332
Well, I'm a trained butcher
and qualified fire warden.
241
00:10:54,492 --> 00:10:57,392
Question three.
Why do you want this job?
242
00:10:59,632 --> 00:11:02,011
I want this job
because I want to be near to you.
243
00:11:02,012 --> 00:11:03,132
Kieran...
244
00:11:03,312 --> 00:11:05,612
If that means sitting
on the checkout next to Neville,
245
00:11:05,672 --> 00:11:08,272
listening to his tragic stories or
Lisa farting all day,
246
00:11:08,352 --> 00:11:09,552
then that's what I gotta do.
247
00:11:11,452 --> 00:11:14,191
I want this job
cos you make me laugh.
248
00:11:14,192 --> 00:11:17,692
I can't think of about anything else
when we're not together.
249
00:11:17,872 --> 00:11:19,311
I want this job...
250
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,372
cos you make me do daft things,
251
00:11:20,432 --> 00:11:23,471
like hide a manky sausage
in a baker's hat.
252
00:11:23,472 --> 00:11:26,252
But most of all, Katie,
I want this job because...
253
00:11:27,612 --> 00:11:28,892
..I love you.
254
00:11:32,272 --> 00:11:33,552
And this graph...
255
00:11:35,292 --> 00:11:40,052
..shows dynamic retail input
alongside fluid recreditation.
256
00:11:40,072 --> 00:11:42,992
And this little lady here...
257
00:11:43,152 --> 00:11:46,672
This, er... this little line,
258
00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:49,392
this line here, at the bottom,
is going right to the top.
259
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,892
Sorry, Gav, I can't let you through.
260
00:11:52,974 --> 00:11:54,194
Ian, what are you doing?
261
00:11:54,196 --> 00:11:56,255
Mr France's orders.
But I'm the manager!
262
00:11:56,256 --> 00:12:00,576
I'll lose my job and my reputation
for elite security protection.
263
00:12:00,756 --> 00:12:04,416
I can't go back to working shopping
centres, not with my knees.
264
00:12:04,596 --> 00:12:06,676
11%... 25 plus 11...
265
00:12:06,776 --> 00:12:08,756
6%...sales...
266
00:12:08,816 --> 00:12:10,996
and cost in the West Cheshire Region.
267
00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:16,596
I don't want to hurt you.
268
00:12:17,876 --> 00:12:20,756
Aah! Ooh.
269
00:12:20,896 --> 00:12:22,836
He pinched me!
Gavin what are you doing?
270
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:25,456
Oh, God. Thank God.
You've no idea what's been going on!
271
00:12:25,516 --> 00:12:27,316
Perhaps we should go somewhere else
and talk.
272
00:12:27,476 --> 00:12:30,015
France has got some of the staff
pretending to be customers.
273
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:31,775
Richard knows what he is doing.
274
00:12:31,776 --> 00:12:33,235
But it's all lies, Julie!
275
00:12:33,236 --> 00:12:36,076
You can't run a supermarket on
dishonesty and lies -
276
00:12:36,216 --> 00:12:37,376
this isn't Spain.
277
00:12:37,396 --> 00:12:41,395
Life is lies and lies are life.
278
00:12:41,396 --> 00:12:43,775
Isn't that the real truth?
279
00:12:43,776 --> 00:12:45,236
Do you know about this?
280
00:12:45,376 --> 00:12:47,796
What have you become?
281
00:12:47,956 --> 00:12:51,316
Does the Valco tick of trust
mean nothing to you?
282
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:54,036
Times have changed, Gavin.
283
00:12:54,196 --> 00:12:56,755
Go home and forget about Valco.
284
00:12:56,756 --> 00:12:59,155
Well, I think that's pretty
much all from me.
285
00:12:59,156 --> 00:13:00,756
So, er, thanks for listening.
286
00:13:03,636 --> 00:13:05,875
That's more than five items.
287
00:13:05,876 --> 00:13:07,936
Oh, is that all you've got, mate?
Mm-hm.
288
00:13:08,116 --> 00:13:09,535
We're gonna be ages.
289
00:13:09,536 --> 00:13:11,796
So, if I were you,
I'd sack it and go to ASDA.
290
00:13:14,356 --> 00:13:17,855
And our fishmongers...
291
00:13:17,856 --> 00:13:22,995
..provide a pant-wettingly good
selection of fresh fish caught daily.
292
00:13:22,996 --> 00:13:26,516
Ray, why don't you talk us
through what you got?
293
00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:34,356
He's a real character, old Ray.
294
00:13:34,496 --> 00:13:35,736
We encourage that here.
295
00:13:35,956 --> 00:13:38,956
Seriously though, Ray,
talk us through the fish.
296
00:13:43,796 --> 00:13:46,676
Welcome to the Valco fish counter.
297
00:13:46,736 --> 00:13:50,175
We provide everything from skate,
to bream to sea bass.
298
00:13:50,176 --> 00:13:51,955
And, for you budding Jamie Olivers,
299
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:56,436
why not try the salted herring,
fresh from Norway?
300
00:13:56,496 --> 00:13:58,176
Mmm. Mmm!
301
00:13:58,356 --> 00:14:01,556
You can almost smell the sea air,
can't you?
302
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,916
Ohh...
303
00:14:04,996 --> 00:14:06,816
Augh. Right.
304
00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:09,696
Let's take a butchers
at the butchers, shall we?
305
00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:13,695
You've got three options.
306
00:14:13,696 --> 00:14:14,995
One, you give me this shitty job.
307
00:14:14,996 --> 00:14:16,956
Two, me and you go anywhere
you want in the world.
308
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,696
Or three, you can let me
walk out the door
309
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,336
and regret it
for the rest of your life
310
00:14:20,416 --> 00:14:22,015
cos, let's face it,
I'm a bit of a catch.
311
00:14:22,016 --> 00:14:23,616
Or there's a forth option...
312
00:14:27,636 --> 00:14:29,715
These are Gavin's cycling shorts
313
00:14:29,716 --> 00:14:33,235
and this is his collection of toby
jugs - both shredded.
314
00:14:33,236 --> 00:14:34,835
You girls and your shredding.
315
00:14:34,836 --> 00:14:36,575
Do you know? If I had a pound
316
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,656
for every time my ex had cut
up my clothes...
317
00:14:38,736 --> 00:14:40,256
It's a tradition in my country
318
00:14:40,436 --> 00:14:42,196
when a man and woman
go their separate ways.
319
00:14:45,076 --> 00:14:47,135
Speak of the devil
and she shall phone you...
320
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,556
again. Just cancel that.
321
00:14:49,636 --> 00:14:52,115
Never hide from a woman, Neville.
322
00:14:52,116 --> 00:14:54,195
Women respect strength.
323
00:14:54,196 --> 00:14:55,896
You must slap her about the face
324
00:14:56,016 --> 00:14:58,036
and then make love to her
on the kitchen floor.
325
00:14:58,196 --> 00:15:00,115
Do you know? I'm really not sure
slapping my ex
326
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:01,555
would be a very good idea...
327
00:15:01,556 --> 00:15:04,596
A woman can never respect a man
who is weak, Neville.
328
00:15:04,756 --> 00:15:07,136
This is a fact as old as time
itself.
329
00:15:14,016 --> 00:15:15,435
I knew it!
330
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:18,495
?432.57, please.
331
00:15:18,496 --> 00:15:19,776
We don't have to pay.
332
00:15:19,956 --> 00:15:22,516
Duh, idiot. We're pretending to be
customers
333
00:15:22,676 --> 00:15:24,416
and you're gonna blow our cover.
334
00:15:24,596 --> 00:15:25,716
You've still gotta pay.
335
00:15:25,856 --> 00:15:28,896
Oh, that is OUTRAGEOUS!
336
00:15:29,056 --> 00:15:32,415
I have never been so insulted in all
me life!
337
00:15:32,416 --> 00:15:34,815
What you talking like that for?
338
00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:36,275
Got it.
339
00:15:36,276 --> 00:15:39,315
I have been shopping at
Valco for 20 years
340
00:15:39,316 --> 00:15:42,015
and this really takes the biscuit!
341
00:15:42,016 --> 00:15:44,656
What's going on?!
Keep your voices down!
342
00:15:44,716 --> 00:15:46,815
I am a journalist for
Nuts Magazine
343
00:15:46,816 --> 00:15:49,716
and I intend to write about this
appalling service.
344
00:15:49,876 --> 00:15:51,456
Er, what seems to be the problem?
345
00:15:51,596 --> 00:15:53,396
My husband has a bad back
346
00:15:53,556 --> 00:15:57,876
and needs someone to carry
shopping to the car...
347
00:15:57,956 --> 00:16:01,235
but this bloke is refusing to help.
348
00:16:01,236 --> 00:16:03,696
Perhaps we should go somewhere
and discuss this in private?
349
00:16:03,756 --> 00:16:05,876
We don't have time.
350
00:16:06,036 --> 00:16:09,556
We have to be at a ballet
match in a half an hour.
351
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,595
Well, at Valco Better,
352
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:16,756
we pride ourselves on our customers
leaving with a smile.
353
00:16:16,896 --> 00:16:19,156
How can I make you smile today?
354
00:16:19,316 --> 00:16:22,015
I'd like a complimentary
bottle of Malibu.
355
00:16:22,016 --> 00:16:23,935
And 200 Bensons.
356
00:16:23,936 --> 00:16:25,716
Consider it done. What?!
357
00:16:25,856 --> 00:16:27,796
I said it's no problem. All right.
358
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:31,316
Sorry about that. I like to be quite
hands on when I can.
359
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,616
I didn't ask her to leave.
She-She wanted to come home.
360
00:16:35,636 --> 00:16:37,556
And now I can't go on holiday!
361
00:16:37,716 --> 00:16:39,795
I've not had a holiday for eight
years.
362
00:16:39,796 --> 00:16:42,355
Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?
No.
363
00:16:42,356 --> 00:16:45,076
You know the doctor said I needed to
be in a hot climate
364
00:16:45,236 --> 00:16:47,315
every eight weeks.
365
00:16:47,316 --> 00:16:51,936
You are a pathetic, selfish
little weasel of a man!
366
00:16:53,396 --> 00:16:54,516
No.
367
00:16:54,676 --> 00:16:58,495
No, I am a strong... man
and-and you will listen to me
368
00:16:58,496 --> 00:17:00,656
because I have been pushed
to my limit.
369
00:17:00,716 --> 00:17:02,515
To my... bloody limit!
370
00:17:02,516 --> 00:17:04,596
Now you get the heck out
of my workplace
371
00:17:04,736 --> 00:17:06,196
and you don't try and contact me
372
00:17:06,336 --> 00:17:09,056
until you have learned some
God damn respect!
373
00:17:09,136 --> 00:17:10,316
Is that clear!?
374
00:17:14,796 --> 00:17:16,416
Well, if you'd have been like that
375
00:17:16,596 --> 00:17:19,135
when we were married,
I might not have...
376
00:17:19,136 --> 00:17:20,116
Never mind.
377
00:17:21,956 --> 00:17:23,156
Vanessa?
378
00:17:23,256 --> 00:17:24,915
Vanessa? I didn't, I...
379
00:17:24,916 --> 00:17:26,176
Gavin!
380
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:28,416
I have just heard you are leaving.
381
00:17:28,596 --> 00:17:31,796
Oh, hello, er, Anna.
Yes, it's true, I-I'm going.
382
00:17:33,056 --> 00:17:35,316
Oh, I see you've shredded
all my belongings.
383
00:17:37,076 --> 00:17:39,636
Thank you.
I was angry.
384
00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:41,395
But now I am sad.
385
00:17:41,396 --> 00:17:43,156
Why so pale?
386
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:45,396
Today I didn't just lose my job.
387
00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:48,576
I lost a dear and functional
friendship, too.
388
00:17:48,736 --> 00:17:51,296
Well, we're back here,
ladies and gents.
389
00:17:51,316 --> 00:17:54,176
That pretty much concludes the tour.
390
00:17:56,416 --> 00:17:59,775
Well, I have to say,
I'm very impressed. Well done.
391
00:17:59,776 --> 00:18:02,356
Well, you should see the next
Valco Better we're planning -
392
00:18:02,416 --> 00:18:04,896
it'll dwarf this one.
393
00:18:05,076 --> 00:18:07,296
Yeah. We'll be in touch. But,
between us,
394
00:18:07,456 --> 00:18:09,056
you should be very confident.
395
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:11,615
Wee! Good.
396
00:18:11,616 --> 00:18:12,755
WEE!
397
00:18:12,756 --> 00:18:14,495
See ya!
398
00:18:14,496 --> 00:18:18,355
You and me are getting rat-arsed
tonight, sunshine. Wey!
399
00:18:18,356 --> 00:18:20,415
Ba-da ba-day-day
ba-da ba-day-day...
400
00:18:20,416 --> 00:18:21,536
Ooh-ooh!
401
00:18:21,716 --> 00:18:24,095
Good work, France! Cheers, Shelly.
402
00:18:24,096 --> 00:18:26,016
But I couldn't have done it
403
00:18:26,196 --> 00:18:28,916
without the new manager
of Valco Warrington...
404
00:18:28,996 --> 00:18:30,175
Julie Cook.
405
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:34,675
Hello! I am not a customer! I'm a
valued member of the Valco staff!
406
00:18:34,676 --> 00:18:38,835
I'm a valued member of the Valco
staff and I will not lie any more!
407
00:18:38,836 --> 00:18:40,415
What's he on about?
408
00:18:40,416 --> 00:18:42,835
Er, sometimes we get the odd
nutter in here.
409
00:18:42,836 --> 00:18:45,716
Julie, would you escort this
gentleman off the premises, please?
410
00:18:45,836 --> 00:18:48,575
Shelly, what about that drink, eh?
Don't I know you? You look familiar.
411
00:18:48,576 --> 00:18:50,036
Julie, quick as you can.
412
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:53,876
No! Leighton's telling the truth,
Martin.
413
00:18:54,036 --> 00:18:56,596
Valco Better's been a disaster.
414
00:18:56,736 --> 00:19:02,016
This store is dying under
Richard France's fascist junta!
415
00:19:02,176 --> 00:19:03,956
What are you talking about?
416
00:19:04,116 --> 00:19:07,315
Things are looking pretty
good from where I'm standing.
417
00:19:07,316 --> 00:19:11,316
These aren't real shoppers, Martin!
They work at Valco!
418
00:19:11,396 --> 00:19:14,176
Oh, hang on, I think
Julie's having another breakdown.
419
00:19:14,336 --> 00:19:17,856
I... I work at Valco.
420
00:19:17,876 --> 00:19:19,295
I work at Valco.
421
00:19:19,296 --> 00:19:20,755
I work at Valco.
422
00:19:20,756 --> 00:19:22,196
I work at Valco.
423
00:19:22,276 --> 00:19:23,636
We work at Valco.
424
00:19:23,716 --> 00:19:24,895
I work at Valco.
425
00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:26,336
I work at Valco.
426
00:19:26,516 --> 00:19:28,756
You're in uniform, you div,
everyone knows that.
427
00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:31,156
I work at Valco!
428
00:19:31,316 --> 00:19:32,576
Oh, sorry.
429
00:19:37,458 --> 00:19:39,698
I work at Valco!
Yeah!
430
00:19:41,758 --> 00:19:44,817
"I work at Valco!" France!
431
00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:47,758
Oh, come on, Shelly!
So I bent the rules a little bit.
432
00:19:47,818 --> 00:19:49,938
Still impressed the funny
little thing, didn't I?
433
00:19:50,018 --> 00:19:51,538
Hee-hee-hee! Hello!
434
00:19:57,938 --> 00:19:58,898
Boom.
435
00:20:06,898 --> 00:20:09,277
What a day, huh?
436
00:20:09,278 --> 00:20:12,817
Just finish clearing my crib
and I'll be out of your follicles,
437
00:20:12,818 --> 00:20:14,898
onto the next shopatunity.
438
00:20:14,998 --> 00:20:18,578
I just wanted to say no hard
feelings, Richard.
439
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,798
Hard feelings? Oh, come on, Gav!
440
00:20:20,978 --> 00:20:22,718
You don't realise what I've done
here.
441
00:20:22,898 --> 00:20:25,118
What I've always been doing,
all along.
442
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,997
I've united you. Yes.
443
00:20:27,998 --> 00:20:32,478
You know, you're a very silly man
who uses a lot of very silly words.
444
00:20:32,658 --> 00:20:35,218
And you nearly killed this wonderful
place, you know it.
445
00:20:35,298 --> 00:20:37,458
Everyone does. Goodbye, Richard.
446
00:20:37,538 --> 00:20:39,058
Do you not want...? No.
447
00:20:40,978 --> 00:20:42,077
Boom!
448
00:20:42,078 --> 00:20:43,378
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
449
00:20:47,678 --> 00:20:49,278
Oh, you kept it!
450
00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:52,138
Yeah! I guess I'm not
the only soft one.
451
00:20:52,298 --> 00:20:53,938
Where do you wanna go now, then?
452
00:20:54,098 --> 00:20:55,198
The pub.
453
00:20:55,378 --> 00:20:56,797
And after that?
454
00:20:56,798 --> 00:21:00,158
I dunno. What's the weather like in
Newquay?
455
00:21:08,718 --> 00:21:11,377
It's so good to see him happy again.
456
00:21:11,378 --> 00:21:14,237
I'm just relieved things have
gone back to normal.
457
00:21:14,238 --> 00:21:16,798
Oh, Julie.
458
00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:19,058
Julie, Julie, Julie.
459
00:21:19,218 --> 00:21:21,777
Things can never go back to normal.
460
00:21:21,778 --> 00:21:22,858
Why not?
461
00:21:23,038 --> 00:21:24,178
Can you not see?
462
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:28,817
Gavin is in love with you.
463
00:21:28,818 --> 00:21:31,697
This is why he broke my heart
and ended our affair.
464
00:21:31,698 --> 00:21:34,098
This is why he can never
leave this place.
465
00:21:35,198 --> 00:21:36,798
He loves you, Julie...
466
00:21:38,098 --> 00:21:40,318
..and I think he always has.
467
00:21:40,368 --> 00:21:44,918
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