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1
00:00:01,241 --> 00:00:02,901
Valco... serves you right.
2
00:00:02,902 --> 00:00:05,002
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
3
00:00:05,385 --> 00:00:06,724
Can she stop that now?
4
00:00:06,725 --> 00:00:08,525
Fish and ticks.
5
00:00:08,535 --> 00:00:09,698
Red hot deals.
6
00:00:09,699 --> 00:00:11,939
Offers on everything
from booze to biscuits.
7
00:00:12,019 --> 00:00:13,779
Loads of two for ones.
8
00:00:14,740 --> 00:00:15,687
Boom.
9
00:00:15,699 --> 00:00:17,598
Fresh produce. Delivered daily.
10
00:00:17,599 --> 00:00:18,738
Am I getting paid for this?
11
00:00:18,739 --> 00:00:20,798
Don't forget the Valco tick.
Oh, Valco tick.
12
00:00:20,799 --> 00:00:21,599
That way.
13
00:00:21,619 --> 00:00:23,039
Serves you right.
14
00:00:23,119 --> 00:00:24,659
Valco, serves you right.
15
00:00:24,799 --> 00:00:27,256
Valco, serves you right!
16
00:00:30,057 --> 00:00:33,477
Oh. Not long before the big opening.
17
00:00:33,510 --> 00:00:34,910
I think I've actually
got goose bumps!
18
00:00:34,946 --> 00:00:37,826
Yeah, well, I wish I felt the same
way, Julie, but it's all so different.
19
00:00:37,886 --> 00:00:39,706
There's no signs on the aisles.
20
00:00:39,805 --> 00:00:43,304
And those stools, they're slightly
higher than you'd expect.
21
00:00:43,305 --> 00:00:47,145
It's not all that different,
just spruced up and shiny.
22
00:00:47,325 --> 00:00:49,545
We've got a coffee bar
that sells sushi!
23
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:52,125
I suppose we could be thankful
the sushi's not revolving round
24
00:00:52,168 --> 00:00:53,768
the room on a conveyor belt.
25
00:00:53,993 --> 00:00:58,152
Oh, imagine, a little train
for dead fish! Poop-poop!
26
00:00:58,195 --> 00:01:02,295
Nice idea, J-Dog! It could go round
the whole store, couldn't it?
27
00:01:02,346 --> 00:01:05,225
An in-store train?
That's insanity on stilts!
28
00:01:05,226 --> 00:01:06,665
Gav, I'm only joking.
29
00:01:06,666 --> 00:01:07,886
Thank goodness for that.
30
00:01:08,106 --> 00:01:10,505
Or am I? No, I am, I'm joking!
31
00:01:10,506 --> 00:01:11,766
..Or am I?
32
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:14,506
Richard, please, please.
I'm confused enough as it is.
33
00:01:14,586 --> 00:01:15,986
We should've opened 20 minutes ago!
34
00:01:16,086 --> 00:01:18,186
We're building up the buzz, Gav!
35
00:01:24,906 --> 00:01:27,765
Right, these are forms
for customer feedback.
36
00:01:27,766 --> 00:01:31,726
I'm about to land a mega-celeb
to launch this ship in style.
37
00:01:31,826 --> 00:01:33,366
Who's it going to be?
38
00:01:33,446 --> 00:01:35,285
It's TBC.
39
00:01:35,286 --> 00:01:36,725
Oh, I love boy bands!
40
00:01:36,726 --> 00:01:38,665
Er, I think that means
"To Be Confirmed."
41
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:42,666
So, Richard, Lady Gaga wasn't
available after all, then?
42
00:01:42,806 --> 00:01:46,346
Turned her down, Gav. She didn't
really say "Valco Better" to me.
43
00:01:46,486 --> 00:01:48,287
Believe me, Jules,
we're getting someone huge.
44
00:01:48,426 --> 00:01:49,705
Hashtag...
45
00:01:49,706 --> 00:01:52,386
I'm gonna be an A-List
I'm an A-List, baby...
46
00:01:53,706 --> 00:01:57,525
Oh, speak of the devil,
he shall call you from his limo!
47
00:01:57,526 --> 00:01:58,626
Lionel, hello.
48
00:02:00,246 --> 00:02:01,686
"Is it me you're looking for?"
49
00:02:04,246 --> 00:02:06,506
It only just reaches now
cos I did a few practice runs,
50
00:02:06,666 --> 00:02:07,906
cutting it at different angles.
51
00:02:07,946 --> 00:02:10,346
It kept getting shorter.
I think it was definitely worth it.
52
00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:11,466
What do you think?
53
00:02:12,426 --> 00:02:14,826
Yep, perfect, mate. Perfect.
54
00:02:19,786 --> 00:02:21,606
My daughter had a
party at mine last night.
55
00:02:21,846 --> 00:02:25,385
I woke up covered in pen. Even
bleach won't shift it. Dear me!
56
00:02:25,386 --> 00:02:26,825
If she were my daughter
57
00:02:26,826 --> 00:02:29,685
I would take off my belt
and beat her like a donkey.
58
00:02:29,686 --> 00:02:32,186
Oh, it's quite nice having
some company in the flat.
59
00:02:32,226 --> 00:02:35,946
You know, her and her new boyfriend,
MC Poison. Lovely guy.
60
00:02:36,106 --> 00:02:38,325
I'm on the floor,
I've given them the bed.
61
00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:40,426
You know, I never realised before
how much it creaks.
62
00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:45,705
Hi, Julie,
have you come to get your knife?
63
00:02:45,706 --> 00:02:47,785
You know, the one you
stabbed in my back,
64
00:02:47,786 --> 00:02:50,645
and then twisted
through my broken heart.
65
00:02:50,646 --> 00:02:51,925
If this is about Gavin...
66
00:02:51,926 --> 00:02:57,365
I have seen you talking to him
this morning. With your mouth.
67
00:02:57,366 --> 00:03:00,566
I have to talk to him somehow,
he is my manager. Yes!
68
00:03:00,746 --> 00:03:04,086
Not your lover, your guide,
your never-ending master...
69
00:03:04,166 --> 00:03:05,706
I should press on. Lots to do.
70
00:03:09,226 --> 00:03:10,485
There you go.
71
00:03:10,486 --> 00:03:12,905
Oh, what you doing?
Texting Lord Sugar?
72
00:03:12,906 --> 00:03:16,565
No, I applied for a job last week
so I'm just checking my e-mails.
73
00:03:16,566 --> 00:03:17,526
Oh, what's the job?
74
00:03:17,606 --> 00:03:18,985
Psychology assistant.
75
00:03:18,986 --> 00:03:21,766
You know, like doing tests in
hospitals and prisons and stuff.
76
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,926
Oh, I visited a boyfriend
in prison once.
77
00:03:24,106 --> 00:03:25,706
Now, they tell you to dress down
78
00:03:25,866 --> 00:03:28,265
so you don't make the prisoners
all horny.
79
00:03:28,266 --> 00:03:30,186
There was a proper riot
and everything.
80
00:03:30,326 --> 00:03:31,605
Someone even got stabbed.
81
00:03:31,606 --> 00:03:32,746
Oh, God.
82
00:03:32,906 --> 00:03:34,666
Colin says my tits should be banned.
83
00:03:36,746 --> 00:03:40,725
Ladies. I've got some...
Breaking News!
84
00:03:40,726 --> 00:03:42,165
You what?
85
00:03:42,166 --> 00:03:44,546
It's time to roll out
customer service 2.0.
86
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:45,846
OK, here's the deal.
87
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:49,206
I like your Tannoy announcements,
but I need to love them.
88
00:03:49,386 --> 00:03:51,285
So I've punched up your scripts
a little bit.
89
00:03:51,286 --> 00:03:53,386
We need to grab people's
attention from the get-go.
90
00:03:53,546 --> 00:03:55,466
Give it a whirl.
91
00:03:55,566 --> 00:03:57,066
Help, help, I'm dying.
92
00:03:57,146 --> 00:03:58,026
Dying?
93
00:03:58,166 --> 00:04:00,406
Dying to tell
customers about Valco Better!
94
00:04:00,566 --> 00:04:02,505
Love it! Remember,
bags of energy, loads of fun.
95
00:04:02,506 --> 00:04:04,726
Boom!
96
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,106
Richard, listen, I've been thinking.
97
00:04:08,246 --> 00:04:11,146
Look, it's not too late
to change the sushi idea.
98
00:04:11,306 --> 00:04:13,507
Now, a couple of sizes of jacket
potato would... Get in!
99
00:04:15,786 --> 00:04:20,885
Ha-ha-ha! Look at this! Amazing!
100
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:23,266
France, you're a bloody genius!
101
00:04:23,446 --> 00:04:25,705
Ah-ha! Guilty as charged!
102
00:04:25,706 --> 00:04:32,105
The most expensive refit in Valco
history. And I love it!
103
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:34,026
Sliding doors - nice touch.
104
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:35,626
Actually, they're the same doors.
105
00:04:35,766 --> 00:04:37,705
I hope your head's strapped
onto your neck, Shelly,
106
00:04:37,706 --> 00:04:38,826
cos your mind...
107
00:04:40,366 --> 00:04:42,005
..is about to get blown.
108
00:04:42,006 --> 00:04:43,946
He talks like this all the time.
I love it!
109
00:04:44,106 --> 00:04:46,005
If this is who I think it is,
110
00:04:46,006 --> 00:04:47,946
you're going to shit a
house full of bricks.
111
00:04:50,026 --> 00:04:54,326
Arnie! "I want your clothes,
your boots and your motorcycle!"
112
00:04:58,346 --> 00:05:01,526
So, Martin, how's old gang
back at head office?
113
00:05:01,706 --> 00:05:04,266
Liz Spinks, Jerry Hoyle,
good old Graham Banday?
114
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,326
"Hello, my name's Graham Banday."
115
00:05:07,846 --> 00:05:09,546
Retired, Retired, Sacked.
116
00:05:12,586 --> 00:05:15,306
Can I help you with your shopping
experience today?
117
00:05:17,206 --> 00:05:20,105
You all right, Margaret?
118
00:05:20,106 --> 00:05:22,025
Oh, David, I'm as nervous
as a goose.
119
00:05:22,026 --> 00:05:23,926
I've got to go and do that
meet and greet thing.
120
00:05:24,106 --> 00:05:26,387
You know what the best thing to do
is when you're nervous?
121
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:28,266
Shake out the tension, like this.
122
00:05:29,386 --> 00:05:31,606
Oh, I don't know...
Just try a small one.
123
00:05:33,286 --> 00:05:35,766
Oh, yeah, that feels better.
124
00:05:35,846 --> 00:05:38,345
Oh, why don't you try one, Ray?
125
00:05:38,346 --> 00:05:39,306
I don't really want to.
126
00:05:39,366 --> 00:05:41,706
Yeah, but you're always tense.
Go on, shake it out!
127
00:05:41,786 --> 00:05:42,825
I'm not tense either.
128
00:05:42,826 --> 00:05:45,545
Yeah, just imagine something's
really winding you up.
129
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:46,606
Like what?
130
00:05:46,706 --> 00:05:47,946
I don't know, a person.
131
00:05:48,106 --> 00:05:51,785
Imagine a someone who's really
really, really, really annoying!
132
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:57,066
Shake it out. Shake it out.
Shake it out. Shake it out.
133
00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:58,325
Yeah. That's it, Ray.
134
00:05:58,326 --> 00:06:00,905
Shake it out. Shake it out.
Shake it out. Shake it out.
135
00:06:00,906 --> 00:06:02,806
Come on. Shake it out.
136
00:06:02,986 --> 00:06:04,725
Shake it out. Shake it out.
137
00:06:04,726 --> 00:06:07,306
I can't read this out,
it's embarrassing.
138
00:06:07,466 --> 00:06:09,046
It's like acting or something.
139
00:06:09,206 --> 00:06:11,626
You see, I don't mind, cos I was
always the lead in school plays.
140
00:06:11,706 --> 00:06:12,746
They said I was a natural.
141
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,346
You can act? Yeah, watch me.
142
00:06:16,826 --> 00:06:17,865
What's that?
143
00:06:17,866 --> 00:06:18,966
Shock.
144
00:06:19,126 --> 00:06:20,106
Do another one!
145
00:06:22,026 --> 00:06:23,285
Is that shock again?
146
00:06:23,286 --> 00:06:24,406
No! It's anger!
147
00:06:29,066 --> 00:06:30,185
Ladies and Gents,
148
00:06:30,186 --> 00:06:33,446
please give a very warm welcome
to a very special person.
149
00:06:33,506 --> 00:06:34,706
Oh, God, just get out the way!
150
00:06:34,826 --> 00:06:36,906
Actress. Model. Entrepreneur.
Get off!
151
00:06:36,966 --> 00:06:38,986
FHM sexiest woman in the world.
Just move!
152
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,745
Boom! Kelly Brook.
153
00:06:40,746 --> 00:06:43,765
Oh, God. They can't take photos!
Image rights!
154
00:06:43,766 --> 00:06:47,146
Can you make sure you collect
all of those camera phones?
155
00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:50,346
Er, yeah, I'll see what I can do.
Er, no photos.
156
00:06:50,506 --> 00:06:53,026
Right, can we get on with this
before the paps realise I'm here.
157
00:06:53,066 --> 00:06:54,805
They're obsessed with me,
everyone is.
158
00:06:54,806 --> 00:06:56,106
Yeah, tell me about it.
159
00:06:57,226 --> 00:07:00,565
Oh, yeah, we'll just do a quick
speech, maybe a tour of the store.
160
00:07:00,566 --> 00:07:02,186
Oh, for fuck's sake, really?
161
00:07:03,206 --> 00:07:04,266
OK.
162
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:09,706
So welcome to a new dawn.
To Ground Zero.
163
00:07:09,866 --> 00:07:13,386
Page 1, Chapter 1
of the new book of retail.
164
00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:14,825
I just need some eggs, mate.
165
00:07:14,826 --> 00:07:17,846
Do you know what, you're right.
Enough with the speeches already!
166
00:07:17,866 --> 00:07:19,626
Let's launch this bitch!
167
00:07:19,726 --> 00:07:21,046
Now if I could just say a few...
168
00:07:21,126 --> 00:07:23,626
This is no longer Valco. This...
169
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,966
..is Valco Better!
170
00:07:28,246 --> 00:07:31,786
I pronounce this supermarket open.
Blah-blah-blah.
171
00:07:31,866 --> 00:07:33,546
Can you just wait one second?
172
00:07:35,626 --> 00:07:40,225
Fire! There's a fire in the store!
173
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:43,306
No, Linda, that's just the heat from
the red hot bargains at Valco Better!
174
00:07:44,646 --> 00:07:46,505
Shall we my love?
175
00:07:46,506 --> 00:07:47,466
Nope?
176
00:07:56,906 --> 00:07:58,286
You done your list? Uh?
177
00:07:58,386 --> 00:07:59,445
Wedding invites.
178
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:01,066
Hang on a minute.
179
00:08:01,226 --> 00:08:02,966
I thought we said no-one
we've ever shagged.
180
00:08:03,046 --> 00:08:04,426
Hello. Hello. Oh, hello. Hello.
181
00:08:04,586 --> 00:08:07,126
Yeah, well.
We don't want the place empty.
182
00:08:07,306 --> 00:08:10,486
How about no-one we've shagged
in the last two years, yeah?
183
00:08:10,566 --> 00:08:11,606
All right.
184
00:08:12,906 --> 00:08:14,505
Best man reporting for duty!
185
00:08:14,506 --> 00:08:17,846
Sorry, I'd have come over sooner,
but I've been people-watching.
186
00:08:17,866 --> 00:08:20,425
The customers are absolutely blown
away by Valco Better.
187
00:08:20,426 --> 00:08:22,346
You're welcome. You're welcome.
188
00:08:22,506 --> 00:08:25,385
Anyway, I've looked into the things
you'll need for your wedding day,
189
00:08:25,386 --> 00:08:26,826
and apparently, one of them's food.
190
00:08:26,986 --> 00:08:28,106
Yeah. Dunno what we want.
191
00:08:28,266 --> 00:08:30,666
I'm happy to help,
I just don't know where to start.
192
00:08:30,826 --> 00:08:33,226
How about I let you
finish off the bloody stacking
193
00:08:33,386 --> 00:08:35,126
and it can give you some ideas?
Wow, thanks!
194
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,886
All right. You're welcome.
195
00:08:38,326 --> 00:08:39,766
Peas? Peas?
196
00:08:41,386 --> 00:08:42,186
Peas?
197
00:08:42,346 --> 00:08:44,905
The trouble with stalkers is the
more you tell them to piss off,
198
00:08:44,906 --> 00:08:47,286
the more they just take it
as encouragement.
199
00:08:47,366 --> 00:08:48,746
Ah, Margaret.
200
00:08:48,806 --> 00:08:50,186
Oh, hello.
201
00:08:50,266 --> 00:08:51,466
Do the routine, Margaret.
202
00:08:51,546 --> 00:08:53,865
No, I'm waiting for the celebrity.
203
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:58,166
No, Margaret, erm, this is
our celebrity. This is Kelly Brook.
204
00:09:01,226 --> 00:09:02,825
What, this one?
205
00:09:02,826 --> 00:09:03,786
A lady celebrity?
206
00:09:05,446 --> 00:09:06,986
Oh, deary me, whatever next?
207
00:09:09,846 --> 00:09:11,126
Welcome to Valco.
208
00:09:11,286 --> 00:09:16,265
May I ask if I can help you
with your shopping experience today?
209
00:09:16,266 --> 00:09:17,685
Oh, no, thank you.
210
00:09:17,686 --> 00:09:19,626
Erm, I think
I'll just take one of these.
211
00:09:19,786 --> 00:09:22,005
That's a very good choice.
212
00:09:22,006 --> 00:09:23,786
Erm, yes, that is a good choice,
213
00:09:23,946 --> 00:09:26,646
but just to be clear,
you will have to pay for that.
214
00:09:26,806 --> 00:09:28,085
Yeah, nice one.
215
00:09:28,086 --> 00:09:29,705
Don't sweat it, babe.
216
00:09:29,706 --> 00:09:32,266
We'll just dock the money
out of Gavin's wages.
217
00:09:32,426 --> 00:09:33,546
What?!
218
00:09:33,626 --> 00:09:36,586
No, I'm joking, I'm joking. Or am I?
219
00:09:36,726 --> 00:09:38,505
Look, I'll buy them for you, Kelly.
220
00:09:38,506 --> 00:09:40,586
You can anything you want, you know,
and I mean....
221
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:44,105
No, I know what you're thinking.
And the answer is no.
222
00:09:44,106 --> 00:09:46,506
It will never, ever happen.
223
00:09:46,666 --> 00:09:48,426
That's a wonderful choice.
224
00:09:51,706 --> 00:09:54,185
But do you have any Battenberg?
225
00:09:54,186 --> 00:09:56,086
No, but we do have Salmon Teriyaki,
226
00:09:56,266 --> 00:09:59,925
and who can resist
Spicy Pepper Squid?
227
00:09:59,926 --> 00:10:02,646
Oh, I've had quite
enough of this su-shit.
228
00:10:02,806 --> 00:10:03,946
This is the... Excuse me.
229
00:10:04,106 --> 00:10:05,205
Oh, come on, come on.
230
00:10:05,206 --> 00:10:07,145
Thank you.
231
00:10:07,146 --> 00:10:09,386
..the Break-Out Zone.
232
00:10:09,546 --> 00:10:12,105
Konichiwa, welcome to
the Break-Out Zone.
233
00:10:12,106 --> 00:10:15,406
I'm delighted, nay, proud
to be your server today.
234
00:10:15,626 --> 00:10:19,605
And may I say, I am quite
a fan of all your work.
235
00:10:19,606 --> 00:10:20,806
Oh, thank you, Neville.
236
00:10:20,866 --> 00:10:24,425
Yes, in fact, your calendar
hangs upon my kitchen wall.
237
00:10:24,426 --> 00:10:26,666
Which I must say is very tasteful.
238
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:29,686
Although, er, some of the corsets
are a tad restrictive.
239
00:10:31,306 --> 00:10:34,986
Oh, you're so sweet. Most blokes
are just trying to jump me.
240
00:10:35,086 --> 00:10:36,586
Ah, yes, not much of a jumper.
241
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,386
I don't wish to be, er, negative but
do you really need two people here
242
00:10:41,546 --> 00:10:43,546
when, you know, you could have
Neville on the tills
243
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:44,906
where he belongs.
244
00:10:45,066 --> 00:10:49,046
Two words Gav - iPhone. Remember
when it launched, everyone said,
245
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:53,846
"WTF! I just want a phone,
stop twisting my melons, Apple!"
246
00:10:54,006 --> 00:10:56,386
Cut to today - everybody's got one.
247
00:10:56,586 --> 00:10:57,546
I haven't.
248
00:10:57,626 --> 00:10:58,985
Point proved.
249
00:10:58,986 --> 00:11:00,906
Look, when it comes to what
customers want,
250
00:11:00,986 --> 00:11:02,666
there are things that they know.
251
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,105
And things that they don't know.
252
00:11:04,106 --> 00:11:06,665
And then things that they don't
know that they don't know.
253
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,546
And they don't know that they love
coffee and sushi.
254
00:11:12,586 --> 00:11:13,546
Oh, that's minging.
255
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:16,745
Right, if we're all done here,
time for a liquid lunch.
256
00:11:16,746 --> 00:11:17,706
On me, of course, Kelly?
257
00:11:17,866 --> 00:11:19,106
Is Neville going to come?
258
00:11:19,286 --> 00:11:20,405
Er, no, he's not.
259
00:11:20,406 --> 00:11:22,626
I don't normally drink
during the daytime,
260
00:11:22,826 --> 00:11:25,706
but I suppose I could risk
a bitter top.
261
00:11:25,866 --> 00:11:29,545
Actually, Gav, I think you're
better off here, holding the fort.
262
00:11:29,546 --> 00:11:30,645
I see.
263
00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:32,086
Right. Let's crack. Kelly...
264
00:11:35,626 --> 00:11:39,686
Oh, and Gav...
265
00:11:39,746 --> 00:11:42,966
Everything's fine, all right?
Don't change anything.
266
00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:52,189
Two? Out of ten?
267
00:11:52,190 --> 00:11:53,310
OK, ten?
268
00:11:53,390 --> 00:11:54,910
Ten. Thank you.
269
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,533
Gavin. Some customers are so dim
270
00:11:59,624 --> 00:12:02,284
they don't even see
this is a Better Valco.
271
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,209
Oh, frankly, I'm not
sure that it is better.
272
00:12:04,239 --> 00:12:06,658
Have you seen the queues here
on the tills?
273
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,719
It's like a Dire Straits concert.
274
00:12:08,917 --> 00:12:10,756
Gavin, is it really that bad?
275
00:12:10,757 --> 00:12:12,697
I mean, I know things
are a little different.
276
00:12:12,843 --> 00:12:14,182
This is bedlam!
277
00:12:14,183 --> 00:12:16,883
It's worse than Easter weekend 2009.
278
00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:19,303
Oh, Julie, will you jump on
the tills for me?
279
00:12:19,463 --> 00:12:22,842
Well, I would, but Richard wants me
here doing feedback.
280
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,722
Yeah, well, then that man has no
grasp of management hierarchy.
281
00:12:25,723 --> 00:12:28,444
I am manager of this store and it's
my job to make Valco Better work.
282
00:12:28,603 --> 00:12:29,542
Unfortunately.
283
00:12:29,543 --> 00:12:33,082
Ah, you're having one of your alpha
male moments again.
284
00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:36,123
You're like a rufty-tufty Viking!
285
00:12:36,283 --> 00:12:38,663
I expect you're going to bundle me
into a hut and...
286
00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:43,623
..shake my hand for a job well done.
287
00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:46,523
I think the Vikings were a little
more aggressive than that, Julie.
288
00:12:47,463 --> 00:12:49,883
Anyway, look let's not just
dwell on historical accuracy,
289
00:12:49,963 --> 00:12:52,103
we need a plan of action.
290
00:12:52,263 --> 00:12:54,143
Look out,
there's a bomb in the store!
291
00:12:55,483 --> 00:13:00,443
No, Linda, that's just the explosive
feeling of shopping at Valco Better.
292
00:13:00,583 --> 00:13:02,022
Hell's Doorbells!
293
00:13:02,023 --> 00:13:04,583
Hold on,
how come you're saying more than me?
294
00:13:04,663 --> 00:13:06,023
Just a coincidence, innit?
295
00:13:06,043 --> 00:13:07,002
If you say so.
296
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,762
What, so you should have
the best lines?
297
00:13:08,763 --> 00:13:11,642
Yeah. Well, I sound more real.
You're a bit, you know, panto.
298
00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:13,083
Panto?
299
00:13:13,243 --> 00:13:14,662
Look, are you ready or not?
300
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:17,083
Aaaaaah!
301
00:13:17,243 --> 00:13:21,403
Don't panic, Sue, Valco Better
is open seven days a week,
302
00:13:21,563 --> 00:13:27,162
eight till late,
including Bank Holidays!
303
00:13:27,163 --> 00:13:29,223
Right. No more of those,
please, ladies.
304
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,843
Just get back to the old routine.
305
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:34,842
I told you. Panto.
306
00:13:34,843 --> 00:13:37,222
Can I tempt you with some
salted carp?
307
00:13:37,223 --> 00:13:40,443
The perfect accompaniment to
a steaming mug of milky coffee.
308
00:13:42,203 --> 00:13:44,602
Yeah, well, all the more for us,
then.
309
00:13:44,603 --> 00:13:45,882
Do you know,
310
00:13:45,883 --> 00:13:48,743
I might take some of these leftovers
and eat them in the car.
311
00:13:48,763 --> 00:13:50,842
My daughter, she doesn't like me
eating in front of her.
312
00:13:50,843 --> 00:13:53,722
She says she can't stand
the way I chew.
313
00:13:53,723 --> 00:13:57,383
Kids, eh? They do,
they say the funniest things!
314
00:13:57,543 --> 00:14:00,103
I see you've got plenty of time
for laughing and joking, Neville.
315
00:14:00,123 --> 00:14:02,683
Oh, well, you know me, I always
like to find the silver lining.
316
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:03,963
Sold anything? No, not yet.
317
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,404
I knew it. The sushi's a disaster.
318
00:14:05,563 --> 00:14:07,164
It's like the Bay of Pigs
all over again.
319
00:14:07,323 --> 00:14:09,882
Right, Neville, close this down and
jump on the tills, will you?
320
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,283
Well, you never know,
it might pick up, we might sell...
321
00:14:12,423 --> 00:14:13,703
Neville, just do it, will you?
322
00:14:13,723 --> 00:14:15,623
I've had enough of your endless
barracking.
323
00:14:19,303 --> 00:14:23,323
Oh, Gavin, I love it when you're
busting other men's balls like that.
324
00:14:23,383 --> 00:14:26,362
You are a raging bull
and I want to ride you forever.
325
00:14:26,363 --> 00:14:29,562
That's a super idea, Anna, but I am
rather tied up at the moment.
326
00:14:29,563 --> 00:14:31,002
Tied up is good.
327
00:14:31,003 --> 00:14:33,862
Gavin, I need your help.
There's a lady stuck up a stool.
328
00:14:33,863 --> 00:14:35,962
What?
329
00:14:35,963 --> 00:14:41,083
Always hanging round, aren't you,
Julie? But you will never win.
330
00:14:42,363 --> 00:14:45,083
Do you want to hear how I know
my Gavin loves me?
331
00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:46,363
Not really, thanks.
332
00:14:46,523 --> 00:14:50,623
It's the feeling I get
when he explodes inside me,
333
00:14:50,643 --> 00:14:52,583
like a shaken-up bottle of coke.
334
00:14:54,183 --> 00:14:55,323
Do you get my meaning?
335
00:14:55,483 --> 00:14:58,363
Yes. I think you've made the point
more than adequately, thank you.
336
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,563
She got up but she can't
get down again. It's her hip.
337
00:15:01,723 --> 00:15:03,423
Oh, dear. Erm, let me see
if I can get you down.
338
00:15:03,483 --> 00:15:05,543
What happened to all
the proper chairs?
339
00:15:05,723 --> 00:15:09,402
Well, I'm afraid that our Head Madman
has rather unconventional ideas
340
00:15:09,403 --> 00:15:10,683
about that sort of thing.
341
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,762
But we want a sit-down
and a cup of tea.
342
00:15:12,763 --> 00:15:14,523
Why can't we have what we want?
343
00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:21,403
If you could just wait for a few
minutes I'm going to sort this out.
344
00:15:23,243 --> 00:15:25,542
Gavin. What are we doing?
345
00:15:25,543 --> 00:15:28,423
He just lay there on the bed,
cold as ice.
346
00:15:28,603 --> 00:15:32,423
I mean, 65 is no age these days,
is it?
347
00:15:32,503 --> 00:15:34,523
Oh, that's an excellent choice.
348
00:15:34,583 --> 00:15:37,062
Apologies for this, but I'm going
to have to move Margaret
349
00:15:37,063 --> 00:15:39,323
onto bag packing, so come with me,
please, Margaret.
350
00:15:39,483 --> 00:15:40,743
It's absolute chaos, Margaret.
351
00:15:40,903 --> 00:15:42,662
I'm going to put you on eight,
might be nine.
352
00:15:42,663 --> 00:15:45,703
Now, it's going to be dangerous
but you'll be all right.
353
00:15:45,863 --> 00:15:49,082
I don't understand.
What are we doing?
354
00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:51,963
Julie, have I ever told you
about my tiny inner voice?
355
00:15:52,023 --> 00:15:54,342
It doesn't tell you to attack women
with hammers, does it?
356
00:15:54,343 --> 00:15:56,123
No, it doesn't, Julie.
357
00:15:56,283 --> 00:15:59,003
Normally it says things like,
"Have that third Hobnob
358
00:15:59,163 --> 00:16:00,962
"and there'll be hell
to pay on the scales."
359
00:16:00,963 --> 00:16:02,023
There you go.
360
00:16:03,783 --> 00:16:07,162
But recently I've not wanted to hear
what it's been saying.
361
00:16:07,163 --> 00:16:09,382
Valco Better is wrong.
362
00:16:09,383 --> 00:16:11,483
Do you know what, Julie?
363
00:16:11,623 --> 00:16:14,042
We had an old lady down there
wedged in a bar stool
364
00:16:14,043 --> 00:16:16,602
and we were offering her raw fish.
Now that's not right.
365
00:16:16,603 --> 00:16:18,203
You're not going to change
it all back?
366
00:16:18,343 --> 00:16:20,103
All of it, Julie. I have to.
367
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,003
I can't ignore my
tiny inner voice any more.
368
00:16:22,043 --> 00:16:24,282
Oh, Gavin, don't you think
you might be overreacting?
369
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:26,203
You could just let it carry on.
370
00:16:26,343 --> 00:16:28,823
Let Richard and Martin Shell
see that it's not working.
371
00:16:28,883 --> 00:16:31,962
No, Julie. In every man's
life there is a time to act.
372
00:16:31,963 --> 00:16:32,883
And that time is now!
373
00:16:33,883 --> 00:16:37,463
MC Poison's bringing his whole crew
round tonight for another shindig.
374
00:16:37,523 --> 00:16:38,523
Right.
375
00:16:38,683 --> 00:16:40,603
My daughter says it's going
to be so busy,
376
00:16:40,763 --> 00:16:44,442
there won't be any room for me.
I've offered to sleep in the car.
377
00:16:44,443 --> 00:16:47,142
I heard it's going to
be like minus five tonight.
378
00:16:47,143 --> 00:16:50,203
Oh, it's OK, I once spent a whole
winter in that car.
379
00:16:50,283 --> 00:16:51,483
D'you know?
380
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:55,962
I'm really beginning to feel like
I'm head of the family again. Oh.
381
00:16:55,963 --> 00:16:57,562
Oh, dear God. What is it?
382
00:16:57,563 --> 00:16:59,962
It's my wife. It's my ex wife.
Hello, darling.
383
00:16:59,963 --> 00:17:02,843
You selfish little shit!
Keeping my daughter away from me!
384
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:05,562
Well, to be fair, I think
she came of her own free will.
385
00:17:05,563 --> 00:17:07,163
Fair? Nothing's ever fair with you.
386
00:17:07,323 --> 00:17:08,763
Darling, I know you're angry, but...
387
00:17:08,843 --> 00:17:11,003
Angry? Too right I'm angry!
388
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:14,043
I want money, compensation
for the loss of my daughter
389
00:17:14,203 --> 00:17:15,723
or your life won't be worth living,
OK?
390
00:17:15,783 --> 00:17:17,082
Understood.
391
00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:19,782
And Mike says you've still
not fixed the lawnmower.
392
00:17:19,783 --> 00:17:22,424
No problem, I shall pop round to the
house tomorrow to have a look.
393
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,542
Oooh, got off lightly there.
394
00:17:25,543 --> 00:17:26,503
What a bitch!
395
00:17:26,643 --> 00:17:28,603
Oh, you should see her
when she's properly angry.
396
00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:31,483
Usually she goes straight
for the car and slashes the tyres.
397
00:17:31,643 --> 00:17:34,842
Or slaps me in the...
Ah, there we go.
398
00:17:34,843 --> 00:17:37,402
Let's just take the weight off.
399
00:17:37,403 --> 00:17:40,283
Now please enjoy
a complimentary cup of tea
400
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:43,142
and jacket potato for your trouble.
401
00:17:43,143 --> 00:17:44,743
They really are top notch.
402
00:17:44,923 --> 00:17:46,623
Well, that's lovely,
thank you very much.
403
00:17:46,683 --> 00:17:48,582
My pleasure.
404
00:17:48,583 --> 00:17:50,343
Ah, Leighton,
will you just do me a favour
405
00:17:50,523 --> 00:17:52,903
and just cordon off all
those high stools?
406
00:17:53,063 --> 00:17:56,023
We're going to make this
shop sane again.
407
00:17:56,083 --> 00:17:58,023
We're making Valco Better better?
408
00:18:02,823 --> 00:18:04,763
Oh, lovely.
Gone for the yellow, lovely.
409
00:18:04,923 --> 00:18:06,363
There's Valco green, as well.
410
00:18:06,443 --> 00:18:09,343
Come through, madam. Hi, Anita.
411
00:18:09,784 --> 00:18:11,024
Hi.
412
00:18:11,104 --> 00:18:12,204
Now that's better.
413
00:18:19,424 --> 00:18:20,783
Er, is Neville here.
414
00:18:20,784 --> 00:18:21,744
No, sorry.
415
00:18:22,704 --> 00:18:24,304
Pen.
416
00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:25,293
Pen!
417
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:29,452
Do you mind giving him
something from me?
418
00:18:29,453 --> 00:18:31,053
Er, yes, yes, OK.
419
00:18:35,033 --> 00:18:37,273
Come on.
420
00:18:37,453 --> 00:18:38,872
When I invented touch screen,
421
00:18:38,873 --> 00:18:41,613
I said, "Just get rid of the
buttons!" They tried to section me.
422
00:18:41,693 --> 00:18:42,614
That's incredible that.
423
00:18:42,653 --> 00:18:43,853
Whoa!
424
00:18:45,293 --> 00:18:46,572
What's the matter, France?
425
00:18:46,573 --> 00:18:47,853
What's happened to the wancing?
426
00:18:48,013 --> 00:18:50,413
Totally should have been
wanced off by now.
427
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:55,512
Are they office chairs in the
Break-Out Zone? Where's the sushi?
428
00:18:55,513 --> 00:18:57,452
There's no fucking sushi.
429
00:18:57,453 --> 00:19:00,953
'Don't forget we've a two-for-one
offer on Mexican and Italian food
430
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,853
'in our ready meals section.'
431
00:19:04,313 --> 00:19:07,033
Gavin Strong Dot Com
forward slash arse kick.
432
00:19:08,953 --> 00:19:11,032
You've got to help me
understand this, Gav.
433
00:19:11,033 --> 00:19:14,073
Cos earlier I'm sure I remember
telling you not to change anything.
434
00:19:14,233 --> 00:19:15,673
You did, yes.
435
00:19:16,813 --> 00:19:18,553
But I decided, in the light
of events,
436
00:19:18,573 --> 00:19:22,893
that I should use my judgment
and my experience to...
437
00:19:25,453 --> 00:19:27,673
You didn't see the chaos.
438
00:19:27,693 --> 00:19:28,772
It was like a Primark.
439
00:19:28,773 --> 00:19:31,513
This is exactly what
I was talking about over lunch.
440
00:19:31,593 --> 00:19:32,913
You're bang out of order Gavin.
441
00:19:32,973 --> 00:19:34,892
Honestly, if you'd've seen
what it was like,
442
00:19:34,893 --> 00:19:36,793
you'd have done the same thing.
443
00:19:36,813 --> 00:19:37,913
Customers weren't happy.
444
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:40,472
We were teetering on the
knife edge of an actual revolt.
445
00:19:40,473 --> 00:19:42,553
Wow, that's really interes...
446
00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:44,793
Julie, what do the forms say?
447
00:19:44,813 --> 00:19:47,373
Well, it's not an accurate
cross section.
448
00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:50,713
Come on, Jules.
Average customer score.
449
00:19:54,233 --> 00:19:55,533
8.5.
450
00:19:55,593 --> 00:19:57,453
Ba-dam ba-dam bam bam!
451
00:19:59,269 --> 00:20:01,209
There's even an 11 on here!
452
00:20:01,289 --> 00:20:02,809
To be fair, that was Leighton.
453
00:20:04,389 --> 00:20:07,269
Either way, great stats.
454
00:20:07,429 --> 00:20:10,969
People like you can make statistics
say anything you like!
455
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:13,189
In fact, you've probably got
a statistic to say
456
00:20:13,369 --> 00:20:14,889
how easy it is to fiddle statistics!
457
00:20:19,769 --> 00:20:21,449
Julie, will you give us
a minute, please?
458
00:20:28,089 --> 00:20:31,589
You're tired, Gavin.
Have a couple of weeks off.
459
00:20:31,769 --> 00:20:35,929
Take your little bike out for a spin
or whatever it is you do.
460
00:20:36,009 --> 00:20:36,729
Enforced holiday?
461
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:38,469
And don't worry about it back here.
462
00:20:38,629 --> 00:20:42,169
Because both France and June
have very capable hands.
463
00:20:44,089 --> 00:20:48,709
There's really no need.
Martin, you know that I can do it.
464
00:20:48,849 --> 00:20:51,769
Sorry, Gav. You brought this
on yourself.
465
00:20:53,529 --> 00:20:54,969
I'm with Martin here.
466
00:20:56,709 --> 00:20:57,849
Or are you?
467
00:21:00,069 --> 00:21:01,369
Yes, I am.
468
00:21:03,449 --> 00:21:06,169
Oh, what a day.
469
00:21:06,249 --> 00:21:08,068
Yes indeed.
470
00:21:08,069 --> 00:21:10,468
Oh, a lady came in to look for you
and she...
471
00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:12,708
Yeah, she found me, unfortunately.
472
00:21:12,709 --> 00:21:14,329
Oh? You don't want to see her?
473
00:21:14,469 --> 00:21:16,068
Heavens, no. Nightmare woman.
474
00:21:16,069 --> 00:21:17,049
Oh, OK.
475
00:21:17,099 --> 00:21:21,649
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