Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right.

I'm quite nervous. You won't beat our prices.

Can she stop that now?

Fish and ticks.

Red hot deals.

We've got offers on everything, from booze to biscuits.

Loads of two for ones.

Boom.

Fresh produce. Delivered daily.

Am I getting paid for this?

Don't forget the Valco tick.

Oh, Valco tick. That way.

Serves you right.

Valco, serves you right.

Valco, serves you right.

Welcome to Valco. May I help you with your shopping experience today?

Welcome to Valco. May I help you with your shopping experience today?

No, thanks, love.

We've got some, er, lovely papayas that have come in.

Papayas? I don't think I like papaya.

Oh, er, er, congratulations, customer name.

That's an excellent decision.

Have you seen Richard France?

Have. You. Seen. Richard France?!

Sorry, Gavin, is this going to be happening all day?

Cos it's sending the tills mental.

They're not the only ones, Katie. It's virtually strobing!

I feel like Jean Michel Jarre!

Which is what I'm going to tell Richard France, when I find him.

Oh!

I am your secret admirer.

Come with me now to Paris to make love and eat food.

Stop, stop it, you total crazy woman!

Look at your face!

I promise to make it my job as your best friend to get you laughing

every day, just to see that beautiful face light up.

Stop it. OK!

It's a crime!

Sorry?

Why is there not a man in your life? Why?

"It's complicated!"

Well, I'm going to fix you up today.

This place is full of single men.

Oh, I really don't think any of them are my type....

In my country, we say, "O comes la sopa, o saltas por la ventana."

Oh, that's lovely.

It means, "Either eat the soup or jump out of the window!"

So, how about today?

Lunch? A double date. You and a man, with me and Gavin.

I don't think so...

You must trust me, darling!

Trust me with your beautiful face.

Ohhhh!

Double date.

Lisa, have you seen your Colin anywhere? I need him to put these returns back.

No, he's not been home neither.

But look.

I scanned him in anyway. But don't tell anyone, right.

Oh, my God! You'll get in proper shit for that, Lisa.

Nah. But keep it quiet.

Keep what quiet?

Lisa scanned Colin in.

Thanks a lot, dickheads.

Where is he?

Dunno, not seen him in 36 hours.

Are you not worried?

Nah, not really. Standard weekend for Colin.

And he's with his mate Two Dicks, so how much harm can he come to?

So Dave, I was just wondering if you could stop doing that.

Oh. Right. Yeah, course. Course I can.

Doing what? That.

That singing.

Singing? That's not singing, Ray. Singing has words in it,

whereas what I'm doing is called beatboxing, yeah?

The ancient art of using your body as a box of...

beats.

Oh. It's a bit spitty, innit?

Yeah, sorry.

Oh. Honestly, it's like a war zone out there.

I don't know how soldiers do it Julie, I really don't.

This just arrived for you, Gavin.

Oh.

What do you think?

If Richard France thinks I'm going to wear this, this hooded top in public,

then I'm afraid he doesn't know Gavin Strong very well at all!

Don't you like it?

Of course I don't, just look at it! I'm not some sort of criminal.

What idiot comes up with an idea like this?

Knock, knock! Whoa, hang on. Status update! I appear to be knocking.

What happened to our open door policy, G-Force?

Oh, I thought it was metaphorical.

Yeah, but this isn't a metaphorical door, is it?

This is a real door, so let's just keep this baby open, shall we?

In fact, screw that, let's take the door right off.

Borrow your pen.

He can't, he's serious, isn't he?

Oh, shit.

Erm, actually, just get the builders on it, will you?

Hey! You got the hoody!

Yeah, yeah, thank you, but I...

Oh, don't thank me, thank Julie.

This was you?

Well, yes, but no...

Whoa-whoa-whoa. Don't be modest now!

I didn't think it was going to be a hoody!

I just wanted customers to know more about you, that's all.

Right, put it on, then.

Come on. Don't be shy.

Brilliant! Brilliant. Put the hood up.

No. Oh, come on! Do it.

Right now, do, er, you know, rap fingers.

Oh, I really don't think that Gavin knows what...

I do, actually.

It's brilliant. I'll tag you.

Oh, now, Richard, listen, listen. While I've got you...

Oh, shit. News bomb.

I just came here for a conflab with Jools so... May I?

Oh. She's all yours. Evidently.

Hi. Oh, hello?

Oh, this. Yes, right, yes, er, yes...

Hello. Do you need any help?

Hi.

Yes, right, yes. Very good. Hello.

Hi.

Ah, Leighton, just the man. Will you just help me with...

No, no, no. I can't. I'm allergic to puppies

and definitely know you're not a friend of my Mum's.

No, Leighton, it's me, it's Gavin.

Wow, Gavin! Are you undercover?

No, I wish I was, frankly.

Now can you just take some of these up to the front for me?

I can't, I've got to stack these. Well, where's Colin?

Colin is in the loading bay shifting pallets for the next delivery.

Oh, oh, good. Well, he's been backing up for a while.

Actually, can you just stack all that later and er, here you go.

Just thank Colin for me when you see him.

Colin is in the loading bay shifting pallets for the next delivery.

Right.

Pretty, pretty smooth.

Dickhead.

That's it. I didn't think you were into this kind of thing.

Right, let's try it together. Let's get the bass going first.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Actually, don't.

Yes, love, what can I get you?

Just a piece of salmon.

'This is a staff announcement.'

Could Colin return to aisle four, please

and continue assisting the customer he so kindly helped out earlier.

Thank you.

Cheers, mate, I owe you.

So, er, how long is it now?

Five weeks on Thursday.

Ooooh, five whole weeks.

Have you done a poo round his house yet?

I've not even been round his house.

Five weeks and you still haven't been round to his house?

Don't even know where he lives.

You need to do a poo at his house, mate,

or how will you know if he's serious about you?

Isn't that a Cher song?

Oh, yeah, I think it is!

It is, isn't it?

Yes, madam, what can I do for you?

Can I ask if I can help you with your...

Oh. Welcome to Valco.

Can I ask if I can help you with your shopping experience today?

Piss off.

Oi, you. Out.

You what? You heard, do one.

No one talks to her like that and gets away with it, shit bag.

Ian? Is everything all right?

Yeah, just had to send another one packing for giving lip to Margaret.

Margaret? Well, why isn't she at the deli?

Welcome to Valco. Can I ask if I can help you with your shopping experience today?

No, you can't.

Oh, Gavin, it's you! I didn't recognise you in your jog suit.

Just head back to your station please, Margaret.

But Richard France wants me "wancing" everybody as they come in

and they'll never hear me from over there.

He never ran it past me.

Listen, let me have a word with him

and I'll get right back to you, Margaret.

Well done. That's an excellent decision.

What was that?

He wants us to touch 'em when they come in, doesn't he?

Well, don't.

You know, and that is an actual order, Margaret.

Right you are, Gavin.

Welcome to Valco, can I help... No.

Oi!

Neville, so I have this friend who's looking for a date...

Count me in.

It's a woman.

Ooh, Brucey Bonus.

Can I tell you a little bit about her?

Yeah, if you like, to be honest I already like the sound of her so...

Fabulous. Lunch time today?

Today?

Yes, she works here.

Right, you better give me a minute to freshen up.

D'you know, I can work wonders with a sink wash and a paper towelette.

Out of interest, who will I be meeting?

Julie.

Julie! Wow, OK.

Right, well, this is going to take more than a paper towelette.

I'm sorry.

Take that.

I'll, um... I'll meet you back here.

Adios!

Yes!

Ah, ladies, shall I get someone to move these returns for you?

Where's Colin?

He's just gone... out.

Out?

Helping a customer carry her shopping to her car.

Oh, excellent. Oh, great stuff. He's really raising his game today.

Gavin, my darling, you look like a criminal and I like it.

Make sure you wear this for me at home, OK?

Just this, nothing else.

Now, come on. Lunch.

Well, actually, there's rather a lot going on.

Gavin, don't make me tickle you on the bum-bum again.

Anna, please! Oh, it will be fun!

Love is in the air, and I am playing cupid.

Yes, well. I really don't think I should....

Gavin! You will come!

Oh, just very quickly, then.

Do you think that's what she says when they're having a shag?

"Gavin, you will come!"

"Just very quickly, then."

..and I didn't even know you could shave those. Did you?

All right, Julie?

Oh, fine. Yes, yes fine.

Anna wants me to go on some awful blind date,

and I don't want to do it.

Ha! A blind date, here?

You'd have to be blind to go out with one of them lot.

Yeah. Apart from my Colin.

Oh, yeah, obviously.

Yeah. So why don't you just tell Anna to piss off, then?

I can't. She bamboozles me. It's easier to hide.

Or you could go? I mean, you might have a laugh.

Yeah. Just don't end up shagging him on the pool table,

cos that blue chalk gets everywhere.

I mean, you can't sit there all day. What have you got to lose?

Dignity?

Cos sitting down here's dead dignified!

Oh, fine.

I'll do it.

Have fun!

Oh, it's very pretty, look at that.

No! No.

Here she is, here she is.

Julie. That's the surprise?

He'll be here any minute.

God, who is it? Wait and see!

Just as long as it's not Neville.

Oh, Christ.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't dance. Yeah? Just beats.

Oh!

So there I was, in the restaurant, thinking I'm about to get lucky,

then who should I see out the back, climbing into the wheelie bin?

No! She wasn't?

Apparently there were no windows in the ladies',

she'd been left with no choice.

Oh, Neville, that is so funny!

Isn't it, Julie? Isn't Neville's story funny?

Look, Anna, I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work.

Ah. That's awkward.

This is really most uncomfortable.

I should be getting back... Sit down.

So, Julie, I was er, just admiring your figure.

How is it you manage to eat such a heavy carbohydrate-based diet,

and yet stay so slender?

Oh, please.

It's just I get terribly bloaty from starchy foods.

This really is most uncomfortable.

Julie?

What sort of music do you listen to, Neville?

Ah, right. There's a funny story about that, actually.

Of course there is.

Next door's music was getting pretty overwhelming, and they didn't seem

very keen on adjusting the volume, so I put on my Matt Cardle album.

Now, the next day, I get back to the flat, the place has been robbed.

No!

Oh, yes. And guess what they're playing at full volume next door?

That's right. Matt Cardle.

What a great story, isn't it, Julie?

Oh, look, Anna, I'm sorry, I've tried and this just isn't working.

I mean, honestly, me and Neville?

I mean, I'm clearly out of his league. Sorry, Neville.

No, no, not at all. I get it. Cupid's arrow misses again!

What are you wanting, fussy woman?

It can't all be thunder bolts and sexual chemistry like me and Gavin.

Oh. Fool's Gold! Not again.

Oh, do you need me Gavin?

Oh, yes I do... No, no! You don't, do you?

Sit. Stay, eat, enjoy each other.

Oh! Excuse my English. I mean enjoy the food, not each other.

Maybe save that for later no? Gavin!

And then there were two!

Hands where I can see them, Neville. Right, yes.

So what are you going to do about this?

It's all right. Nothing to worry about here, nothing to worry about.

Margaret, listen to this. I taught him this.

Go on, Ray, show her.

Ooh, is it a show? Ooh, lovely. Oh, I love a show.

I'll get you a chair.

Introducing Valco's very own human beatbox, Ray!

Oh, dear, that is so funny!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

And so, since my first wife there've not really been that many partners.

I suppose you could say what I lack in experience,

I make up for in sexual health.

Look, Neville, I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work.

You're just not my type.

Right you are. Well, may I ask, just out of curiosity,

what sort of man is your type?

Well, someone with a keen interest in sports, say, er, cycling.

A strong, probably blonde man to just sweep you off your feet and say

"Julie, we've hidden our love for far too long, our time is now!"

Right.

See? Nothing. It's totally dead.

I should probably go on my break, shouldn't I?

Let's just try switching it off again shall we?

It is off.

How exciting is this!

It's not exciting Richard, it's a disaster.

We've got fourteen minutes to get this all fixed

before the freezers hit critical.

Our entire frozen goods range will be spoiled!

All right, Flash Gordon.

Calm down, yeah. I'll just, erm, I'll call Julie.

She'll be able to sort it, won't she?

Wahey! No need.

Boom!

I think it was probably Colin.

He said he'd have a look at it, cos he used to be an electrician.

Oh, blimey. You know, Colin's on fire today.

I must go and thank him personally.

No, don't do that, he'd hate it. Modesty's his middle name.

Is it? No, it's Stuart.

No, I...

She's funny, and vivacious, and she can do the splits...

I'm sure she can but as I keep saying, I'm gay.

Are you sure? Yes.

How sure? Really sure.

Oh, you'll grow out of it.

All men go through a little bit of a gay stage in my country.

I'm married.

I remember when my father said he was gay.

My mother, she laughed and then she laughed until she cried

and then we all sat down and had dinner.

And he never mention it again. It was so funny.

Guess you had to be there.

So a date with Julie, what do you say?

No!

OK, Mr Grumpy Pants.

Well, you call me when you've grown out of this, this gay thing, OK?

Um, Anna.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm actually single at the moment.

OK.

So... I could have lunch with Julie.

No.

Dinner?

No.

I can beatbox.

No!

I'm sorry about the hoody thing.

I should have realised that you're already as good

as any man could ever possibly be.

Oh, it's all right, Julie.

I'm sorry, too.

It's that so much has changed.

And I must admit that I do take a lot of comfort

from the familiarity of a Debenhams two-piece.

Look at this, the two pieces of my heart together. I love it!

Anna...

Ok, so you don't like Neville,

but I think I've found you someone else for next time.

There won't be a next time, Anna.

But why?

Because I don't want anyone interfering in my life, OK?

I'm very happy as I am. So just back off, will you?

Please.

Julie, wait. No, I'd just leave her, if I were you.

I see it now!

What?

Of course. It's been staring me in the face all along.

How could I be so blind?

Her heart belongs to someone else.

No, I think it was more to do with Neville.

And to be honest Anna,

I'm not sure that Julie really goes for the bad boy type.

So who could it be?

Who has the key to her heart, Gavin?

Well, I'd, erm, I'll leave that one to you, Anna.

So are you staying overnight in this hotel, then?

Well, not the whole night because there's a wedding fair on tomorrow

so he could only get us a couple of hours in it.

So it's an early dinner,

a couple of hours in a hotel and then he's off home?

Yeah.

Back home to his wife and kids.

You what?

Oh, come on, Linda. It's obvious.

What is? Your fella.

What about him? He's married!

No, he isn't. He only wears the ring on that finger

because it doesn't fit his other hand.

Bastard! I'll kill him!

Wait till he's bought you dinner though, eh?

Too bloody right I will. Yeah.

Calm down.

Bastard. I know, love, I know.

Night, Gavin.

Yes, night, night, Nev. Oh, Neville, sorry, before you go.

Um, about lunch. Anna can get a bit carried away sometimes.

I hope it wasn't all too uncomfortable for you.

Oh, no, no. I thought it went rather well.

Did you?

Not a bit, you know, erm... humiliating?

No, not at all and I know humiliating.

No, roll on a second date, say I.

Brilliant.

Hello. Oh, hello.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hello!

Oh, hello, hi. Sorry, Leighton.

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