Original subtitles

Valco. Serves you right.

I'm quite nervous.

You won't beat our prices. Can she stop that now?

Boof! Boof! Boof! Boom.

Red hot deals.

Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.

Loads of two for ones.

We have fresh produce. Delivered daily.

Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget the Valco tick.

Oh, Valco tick. That way.

Serves you right.

Valco, serves you right!

Valco, serves you right!

Morning, Margaret. Beautiful morning. Ready to feed the great unwashed?

Andy! You look dreadful. What happened to your eyes?

Ah, nothing. It was just a bit of a late night, that's all.

Katie, come and look at Andy's awful eyes.

Thank you, Margaret. Christ!

Eh, were you and Sarah out again, last night, painting the town red?

No. Sarah's gone, for good. Thank Christ!

Master of my own destiny once more.

She was getting too clingy, you know what I mean?

I was like, "Whoa, limpet lady, easy now."

Are you OK with that? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

It was always just a holiday romance anyway, you know?

I am nobody's Shirley Valentine, I'll tell you that.

Yes, my love, what can I get you? Two of those, please. Two of these?

What's up with you? Do you need a piss or something? Do you need...?

Oh, man. Sorry, I do that when I get excited.

My mum goes mental at me.

Yeah, and has she told you that if you just play with it all time it'll fall off?

Yeah, she did but that's just jokes, right? No, mate, I've seen it happen.

Seriously? Seriously, right. Stuart Grifford, Year 12.

Couldn't keep his hands off it, he loved it.

One day, yank, yank, yank, yank, yank - plop...

Ah, right. Just the lads.

Now, when you've finished with that I want to you to sta...

Leighton, what are you wearing?

Oh, it's my suit.

Well, I say suit, it's actually my normal work trousers

and my school blazer but I've filled the badge in with marker pen. See?

Why? Well, because when I did it with biro

you could still see the mallard. No, no, no, no, why are you wearing it?

For my trip to head office.

Richard France wants me to show them my ideas.

I don't want to be a vessel of bad news

but you can't just get an appointment with head office overnight, like that.

Richard told me... Yes, well, I'm sure he did, Leighton. Sure he did.

Oh dear.

And, Leighton, fleece on.

God, OK!

Look on the bright side, mate.

At least your cock ain't going to fall off.

22 IPM's? Are you serious?

Don't have a go at me, it's Richard France's idea.

Well he can take his idea and he can shove it up his arse

if he thinks we're going that fast.

What are IPM's? I've no idea.

Items per minute, through the tills.

The quickest person gets flowers, chocolates, or something like that.

Well, which one?

Cos I'm not working my arse off for some shitty daffodils.

You don't work your arse off at all.

Fair point. Yeah.

Oh. What's up with you?

Oh, I did Zumba last night, and got a bit carried away.

You? Zumba? You mean sambuca, don't you?

No! Zumba, actually. I'm on a health kick.

It won't last, it never does with you.

That is so not true. Anyway, it was you that made me stop that last diet.

That's cos it was that cabbage soup one,

you were farting like a machine gun! Yeah, I know, and they stank as well, didn't they?

Kept the customers away for a bit, though, eh?

Yeah, maybe we should both go on it next time.

Yes, madam, how can I help?

Did you not fancy going with her?

Nah, I'd have to be mad to leave all this behind.

All what? You know, all this... There you go.

..Good job, good mates, my own flat, all to myself... on my own.

Er, yes, my love, what can I get for you? The usual?

I don't have a usual, I'll have three lamb chops.

All right.

You could always go and visit her in Scarborough.

Have some little holidays. Oh, yeah?

And what would I find there that we don't have here in Warrington?

Well, they've got some lovely coastline.

For now. Geology Tony reckons it will all have fallen into the sea by 2019.

Well they've got some smashing shops. We've got Valco.

They've got Sarah. Bloody hell, will you look at this?

I'm sorry, I've run out of ink on my printer.

Fine, I'll get it in the aisle.

They won't be as fresh.

Well, as my old mother used to say,

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

Yeah, and this was not meant to be... again.

Not... meant... to... be. Bloody thing!

Oh, Julie? Oi, Julie!

Can you get me some more ink for this printer? I've run out.

I haven't got time right now, Andy. You'll just have to use a pen.

I haven't got a pen. Where's my pen? I've always got a pen.

15 years I've been here, this is the first day I've not had a pen.

It's BASIC survival equipment!

Jesus, what if somebody needs a tracheotomy?

Here, borrow mine but just you look after it

because it's an anniversary present from my Alan.

He's a real catch, your Alan!

Boom! There he is, the Big Enchilada!

Oh, hi, Mr France.

Well, come on then! Gotta get to H-O... P-D-Q... L.

Ah! Yes!

See, Gavin, I WAS telling the truth.

I-I-I-I did get the right stick, so... there.

Oh, Richard, Richard, listen, can I have a word?

You're not seriously taking Leighton to head office, are you? Yup.

What on earth for?

That boy is pure ideas gold.

I'm just not sure it's very wise.

We all love Leighton's enthusiasm but... You've got to see this.

What is it?

I've set us up a Twitter account.

You know, keep the dialogue going between us and the customers...

But they're right here - look, look they're all around us.

..and I put, "Hey, Tweeps,

"what's everyone having for pudding tonight?"

And frugmug22 has put,

"Instant Whip, obvs #50shadesofpudding!"

Brilliant. Is it?

Ready!

Great, right, let's go blow some business brains out. Yeah.

Oh, there he is, my toy boy. How are you, my darling?

All the better for seeing you, my love.

Looking smashing, as ever! If I was ten years younger...

You'd still be very, very old!

You must be careful what you say.

Don't you worry about me, I can still handle myself.

Ah, funny old man!

May I offer you a lift somewhere?

Muchas gracias! Erm, frozen vegetables.

Hop on then, m'lady, and hold tight. I shan't spare the horses.

Ah, silly man!

Oh, Katie. Yeah?

How are you taking to the new IMPs?

"IMPs"? Don't you mean I-P-M's?

Oh, yes, obviously.

It's just IMPs is, er... well, it's a management thing,

you'll get used to it. Yeah, right.

Where's Anna? Oh, she's on till fi... Well, she's meant to be.

Neville, where's Anna gone?

Oh, don't bother, I'll find her.

17...18...19...20...21...22!

Woo!

Nev? Are you logged in? Yes, indeedy.

Captain's log, star date 2013.

Officer Neville at the helm, boldly going nowhere!

Can we swap tills? Just this chair's too high for me.

Do you want me to log out? Nah, I wouldn't bother.

I shall just finish up here and you're on. Brilliant.

It's got no bar code on it. It won't go through the tills.

Well, I'm not drawing one on.

I don't think that would work anyway. It would if I did it.

Yeah, see these, steady as a rock.

Can draw perfect circles with these hands.

Not many people can do that - me, da Vinci, Kevin McCloud...

Are you all right today?

You take an early lunch and I'll get the ink changed.

I'll draw you a perfect circle now, if you like. No.

It's, er, really, more about the state of mind than anything else.

You know, you've gotta get in the zone, loosen up your wrists.

Let's see. Oh, look you've ruined it now!

What have I told you about staying in the fish zone?

You could contaminate a steak with that odour.

Ah, it looks like a heart. Yeah, it's not a heart!

I'm going for lunch.

17...18...19...

Anna, what on EARTH'S going on?

Oh, Julie, this is going to make you laugh so much.

She was trying to get off the back of m'scooter

and her heel caught in m'wicker.

Oh. I'm stuck!

Anyway, come on.

Now get back to work please, Anna.

Back to your till.

That's my girl!

Ooh! You've got a cracker, there.

For goodness sake, Vic, not you as well?

I heard that trying to draw a perfect circle can lead to insanity.

It's all about the wrist action.

Now, shake them out and then start again.

Bend your knees, bend your knees. Relax into it. Yep, yep, yep.

You're welcome.

Hi, Margaret. He's not around, is he?

Oh, you've just missed him, he's gone for his lunch.

Erm, can you hang about for a bit?

I've got a Kit Kat. Oh, no, I just can't.

I've got a train booked, so...

Er, Sarah.

I'm not one to stick m'snout in another woman's trough

but is there really no way you two could stay together?

I did my best, Margaret, I asked him to come with me

but he's happy here and who am I to try and change that?

Oh, he wants his marbles reading, if you ask me.

Shall I get him to phone you?

I'm not big on phones, to be honest.

You never know who's going to be listening in

but he can write to me maybe.

I don't know. Oh, has he been doing the perfect circle again? Bless.

I taught him that.

It's all in the wrist, really, and he does have lovely wrists.

I'll make sure he gets it. See you, Margaret.

Oh, Andy, you daft beggar.

Oh, thank God you're back! The pen's gone. Have you got it?

No. I-I left it just there.

Oh, how am I going to tell Alan I've lost the pen?

All right, come on, let's think where you last saw it.

Ooh, hang on! There was something I had to, er... What?

Oh, wait a minute...

Wait...

Oh, no it's gone. Oh, I am a dippy ha'porth.

It'll come to me later, I'm sure. Now, where's m'pen!

Left foot, right foot. Hip, hip, shimmy. OK.

Yeah. So, left foot, right foot. Hip, hip, shimmy.

Oh, Christ, I'd need a better bra on for that one.

Mate, with those two you'd need scaffolding! I've just made yoghurt!

Nope, it's just not there.

Someone must have swiped it, Margaret. I'm sorry.

Oh, hang on what's this? Oh, it's only in m'handbag.

Stupid woman!

Oh, I must have put it in there for safe keeping

with that note that Sarah left for you.

Sorry? Sarah was here?

Oh, yes! That's what I should have remembered. Here you are.

Er, she said she, er, couldn't stop, she had to get going.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Always got somewhere she has to be, that one.

Can't ever possibly stop. Like a shark?

Yeah. No! Not like a shark because I'm the shark.

Like a hamster, on a wheel, in a cage.

But they do stop, quite a lot, actually.

They, like, fully hibernate, don't they?

She hasn't been gone that long. You could catch her, I bet.

Nah you're all right.

Sharks don't chase hamsters, it's not in their nature.

Still, least we found your pen, eh?

Anna? Oh, er...

She were there a minute ago!

This is getting ridiculous,

she treats this place like a Pret A Manger! I'll get her.

Oh-ho! How did it go?

Oh, they were, they were absolutely gobsmacked. Yeah? Yeah.

One guy said he that had never ever heard anything like it before.

Never ever.

Oh, it's just, they just couldn't believe their ears, could they?

Oh.

That's yearly takings, Debbie. How can you take that in a week?!

Actually, actually, Debbie, can I call you back?

Something's just come up.

How did it go?

Jesus Christ.

Oh, no, it's OK. All right. Just let's have you sat down.

Breath. Sit yourself down. That's it.

Breath. Put your head between your legs, there you go, that's it.

Leighton. Idiot.

Keep breathing. Oh, no, head down again.

Pop that down there, that's it.

Here you go, take a glass of water.

Here, Nev. Cheers for that. I'm sorted now.

..four... five... six... Oh, OK. ..seven, eight, nine, ten...

You do know the machine counts it for you, don't you? Does it? Yeah.

I-I didn't know that. Well, should make life a bit easier.

Thanks, Lisa, you're a real pal.

I'd get back to your till if I were you, Neville.

Gavin's seen your figures and he wants a word. Oh, has he indeed?

Well, I've given it some real welly today, I can tell you.

You tried to tell me that all this was madness

and, like a fool, I didn't listen.

We all have our dreams, Richard.

I mean, I remember when I thought I could stock tinned fruit

closer to tissues... No! No more excuses.

I got it wrong.

The juice on this one just isn't worth the squeeze.

So, from now on, no more ideas fort,

no more staff trips to head office - the madness stops here.

Well at least you can say you had a go, Richard, eh?

If you're looking for a plan B...

I'm going to have to show each and every one of them

exactly what my vision of Valco Better is.

Boom!

Right! Laters, G.

I'm going to start by telling old bollocks for brains

he ain't ever coming to head office again.

Oh, actually, er, Richard, erm, can you just leave that one to me?

Yeah, whatevs. See you.

Katie, what can I do for you? I was, er...

Er, Sarah asked him to go with her?

NO! Andy? You idiot. Why haven't you gone?

It just wasn't meant to be. OK? Oh.

Do you know what, Andy? And excuse my French but that's nonsense!

You turned down the chance of a lovely new life with Sarah

and for what?

Just to waste yours behind a meat counter. Er, now, hang on...

That lot don't care. Look.

They'll be back tomorrow buying the same old muck,

regardless of who sells it to 'em.

Now, you get that address, find her and make it meant to be.

I can't just suddenly drop everything. You can.

Andy, there is nothing sudden about leaving after 15 years.

Bloody hell... you're right. Are you?

What in hell's name do you call this?! An IOU note?

What were you thinking?

Oh, don't be cross, Julie. It was just the funny old man.

He forgot his wallet.

He'll be back in tomorrow, so all is good.

All is not good, Anna.

I'm afraid this time you've gone too far.

No, no, no! Please, no. I will pay back the money myself.

Here, take it.

I should call Ian. I should call the actual real police.

It's theft. But I...

No, I'm sorry, Anna, I can't treat you any differently

because you happen to be Gavin's... casual acquaintance.

Girlfriend. Friend.

Lover, really. On-off.

Mostly on. Whatever.

Oh, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, three for two...

Gavin, I'm sorry but I am afraid this can't wait.

There's a sight to soothe two really rather sore eyes.

Don't do this, Julie, I beg you. You want to break his heart?

What was that? Do what? I know what this is.

Anna's been talking about nothing else,

"I want a big night out on ze town with our big friend H-ulie!"

I'm right, aren't I?

Yes. Yes, you are.

Well, this is it, fellas.

The big man's going off to pastures new.

It's such a shame, I was really starting to like Ian.

Not... Not Ian! Me. I'm the big man.

I don't call you that. I just usually call you Andy.

It's fair do's though, mate. You have been here long enough.

Tell me about it!

Embarrassingly long though, innit. It's like, what, 15, 16 years?

I mean, who in their right mind

would stay in a supermarket for that long?

Yeah, all right.

It's craz... I was just saying what everyone else is thinking, mate.

Oh, for... Oh, oh, bye, Andy. Yeah, see you later, mate.

There she is!

A-ha, now these, young lady, are for you.

Oh, cheers, for that. Keep up the good work, eh!

I want to talk to you tomorrow, Neville.

You need to pick up the pace. Really? Me?

Yes, really, and less of the gangster attitude, please!

Yes, Gavin. Sorry, Gavin.

Oh, now, just something I need to sort out, er, before we go, Anna.

Won't be a second.

No, you're not. Yeah, I am.

Course you are, Andy. Just like the other five times you were leaving.

Yeah, five times a week!

Well, this time I really am leaving.

Now I think of it, you owe me two quid

cos I chipped in for a leaving present for you last year.

Leaving present? I didn't get a leaving present then. Bloody Colin!

Oh, well, you've got some really smashing colours in there, haven't you?

Just tell me, why do the robot cupboards have frogs' legs?

Er, oh, erm, because of the lake.

We don't have a lake.

Oh, we don't, do we? Oh, God, how embarrassing is that?

I'll tell them we don't have a lake when I go next week.

You won't be going to head office next week.

Oh, right.

Phew, OK.

No, I'm quite glad, to be honest. I much prefer it here anyway.

Do you?

Oh good.

Me too, Leighton... me too.

You're wonderful, you know that, don't you? Give over.

I couldn't face Gavin. Will you let him know for me? He'll go mental.

Don't worry. I'll sort all that out.

Get out, you big bell, before you make me cry.

Come on you. You'll be just fine.

Even in a harsh and unforgiving wilderness like Scarborough.

You've got the know-how, see?

Oh, Ian. In another life...

No.

Keep practising them circles.

I just can't get into the zone, Andy. I nearly did an oval.

Andy? You ready to go then?

As I'll ever be.

I can't believe it, I'm going.

I'm actually going.

Andy! You've still got your hat on.

Ooh, look who caught the bouquet!

Yes, love, what can I get you?

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