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1
00:00:16,355 --> 00:00:18,595
We have fresh produce. Delivered
daily.
2
00:00:18,682 --> 00:00:20,201
Don't forget the Valco tick. That
way.
3
00:00:20,202 --> 00:00:22,581
Am I getting paid for this? Valco. I
wasn't ready.
4
00:00:22,582 --> 00:00:24,002
Weren't you ready?
5
00:00:24,082 --> 00:00:25,382
Valco serves you right.
6
00:00:25,562 --> 00:00:27,222
Valco serves you right.
7
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:36,062
So, here we are.
8
00:00:36,201 --> 00:00:39,801
December the 24th, the busiest day
in the retail calendar,
9
00:00:39,821 --> 00:00:44,401
and mark my words, no one forgets
their first Christmas Eve.
10
00:00:44,441 --> 00:00:48,121
But do we panic? Yes, sir! We panic
and get the job done!
11
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,962
No, Julie, we don't panic. Oh sorry.
I panicked.
12
00:00:51,222 --> 00:00:53,381
I won't lie to you, there'll be
times
13
00:00:53,382 --> 00:00:55,162
when you think we're not going to
make it.
14
00:00:55,202 --> 00:00:58,401
But we will if we stick together, as
a team.
15
00:00:58,402 --> 00:01:01,682
No one wants a repeat of Christmas
Eve 2008 when we lost a man.
16
00:01:02,822 --> 00:01:05,902
Rest in peace, Little Keith.
17
00:01:06,122 --> 00:01:08,001
I only came in cos of the party
tonight.
18
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:11,682
I've heard there's gonna be karaoke.
Karaoke? I'm not eating raw fish.
19
00:01:11,882 --> 00:01:13,362
I imagine that most of you, like me,
20
00:01:13,442 --> 00:01:14,962
will have had a fairly sleepless
night.
21
00:01:14,982 --> 00:01:18,561
Tossing over the low levels of
Christmas stock on our shelves.
22
00:01:18,562 --> 00:01:19,681
Gavin... tossing.
23
00:01:19,682 --> 00:01:22,301
But rest assured a fresh delivery
will be arriving imminen...
24
00:01:22,302 --> 00:01:24,162
imminen... in a minute. Yes!
25
00:01:24,262 --> 00:01:26,062
The zombies are here!
26
00:01:26,082 --> 00:01:29,702
OK, this is it, people. Our finest
hour.
27
00:01:31,982 --> 00:01:33,841
Let me hear you say "Merry
Christmas."
28
00:01:33,842 --> 00:01:36,542
Merry Christmas!
29
00:01:40,002 --> 00:01:41,762
I've worked 12 Christmas Eves,
30
00:01:41,962 --> 00:01:44,481
the one where we lost Little Keith
still gets me.
31
00:01:44,482 --> 00:01:46,882
Just two days before he was due to
hang up his fleece.
32
00:01:47,842 --> 00:01:49,202
Ho, ho, ho!
33
00:02:11,222 --> 00:02:13,281
Holy Moses, we're almost out of
port!
34
00:02:13,282 --> 00:02:15,202
It's only port, Gavin.
35
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,782
Only port? What will people have
with their cheese, Julie?
36
00:02:18,882 --> 00:02:20,482
Lager? Its unthinkable.
37
00:02:21,562 --> 00:02:25,262
I expect you'll be settling down to
cheese and port tomorrow.
38
00:02:25,282 --> 00:02:28,002
You know, if you have too much I
could always come over and...
39
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:31,282
Well, unfortunately that sounds, er,
highly unlikely.
40
00:02:31,362 --> 00:02:34,002
Anna's got, er, quite a hectic day
planned.
41
00:02:34,082 --> 00:02:36,242
You're spending Christmas day with
Anna?
42
00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:38,641
Yes, she's volunteered us at a soup
kitchen.
43
00:02:38,642 --> 00:02:41,422
Anna's, she's, er, quite in to her
charity work.
44
00:02:41,442 --> 00:02:44,702
Well, so am I, Gavin, but at
Christmas, I mean...
45
00:02:44,722 --> 00:02:48,242
you should be on your own. Or, at
least, with a close co-worker.
46
00:02:48,362 --> 00:02:52,322
Yes, I must say, I'd gotten used to
Christmas alone after Barbara died.
47
00:02:52,522 --> 00:02:55,681
Just tell her, "I don't want to
spend Christmas with you.
48
00:02:55,682 --> 00:02:58,801
"Get out of my sight, you stupid
woman!"
49
00:02:58,802 --> 00:03:02,222
Yes, I'm-I'm not sure that's quite
in the spirit of Christmas.
50
00:03:02,242 --> 00:03:05,262
Now where is that delivery? Morning,
girls.
51
00:03:05,462 --> 00:03:07,422
You know where I can find a
supermarket
52
00:03:07,522 --> 00:03:09,921
that actually stocks food hey? Ha
ha!
53
00:03:09,922 --> 00:03:13,902
Barry Hound! I was wondering when
the Wigan branch might show up.
54
00:03:13,922 --> 00:03:15,842
Well, tradition's tradition.
55
00:03:16,022 --> 00:03:19,421
Christmas Eve, Hound and Strong go
man to man.
56
00:03:19,422 --> 00:03:21,441
Or should that be man to girl?
57
00:03:21,442 --> 00:03:24,002
Gavin's more manly than you'll ever
be.
58
00:03:24,182 --> 00:03:26,942
He's just got very thin wrists.
59
00:03:27,042 --> 00:03:29,601
Last time I checked we'd beaten you
five years in a row
60
00:03:29,602 --> 00:03:31,742
in Christmas takings, so you'll have
to forgive me
61
00:03:31,842 --> 00:03:33,022
for not quaking in my boots.
62
00:03:33,102 --> 00:03:35,342
It's all gonna change this year,
Princess.
63
00:03:35,362 --> 00:03:39,301
And boy, have I got a forfeit ready
for you.
64
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:42,402
Now hang on, this has always been a
very good-natured bet.
65
00:03:42,582 --> 00:03:45,182
You're not chickening out are you,
Gavin, love?
66
00:03:45,282 --> 00:03:47,101
Gavin would sooner blow his own head
off!
67
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,182
No, I'm not chickening out
68
00:03:51,842 --> 00:03:54,081
Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
69
00:03:54,082 --> 00:03:56,962
All right, fine. It's a deal. May
the best branch win.
70
00:03:57,082 --> 00:03:58,122
Oh...
71
00:03:59,202 --> 00:04:02,402
So that's what a loser's hand feels
like.
72
00:04:02,582 --> 00:04:04,462
Bye girls
73
00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:10,682
I really wish he wouldn't pretend
I'm a woman.
74
00:04:13,762 --> 00:04:14,982
There we go, madam.
75
00:04:15,042 --> 00:04:17,661
Ten pigs in blankets and ten pigs
without blankets.
76
00:04:17,662 --> 00:04:20,902
Someone's under the mistletoe and
that someone, me,
77
00:04:20,942 --> 00:04:23,522
is expecting a Christmas kiss!
78
00:04:23,582 --> 00:04:25,602
What's that now, five Christmas
kisses?
79
00:04:25,802 --> 00:04:27,982
Do I get a Christmas kiss off Andy?
80
00:04:28,002 --> 00:04:31,041
Not right now, Margaret I'm busy. He
don't like Christmas, remember?
81
00:04:31,042 --> 00:04:34,562
Oh, that's right. Oh, what a shame.
You'll miss out on all the fun.
82
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,641
Miss out? Tomorrow I'm gonna sit
down
83
00:04:36,642 --> 00:04:40,441
and watching the entire 1981 Ashes
series.
84
00:04:40,442 --> 00:04:44,121
What's more fun than watching Botham
destroy 11 Aussies?
85
00:04:44,122 --> 00:04:45,202
Well festive.
86
00:04:45,322 --> 00:04:47,362
It's all a con, Christmas.
87
00:04:47,562 --> 00:04:49,922
A con every idiot falls for once a
year.
88
00:04:50,022 --> 00:04:53,102
Do you really not like anything
about Christmas, Andy?
89
00:04:53,122 --> 00:04:55,681
You must like turkey. Don't get me
started on turkey.
90
00:04:55,682 --> 00:04:57,381
Please don't get him started on
turkey.
91
00:04:57,382 --> 00:04:58,881
I never touch the stuff, Margaret.
92
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:02,501
Breaks my golden rule, never eat an
animal uglier than you.
93
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:04,742
But you'll eat beef.
94
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:07,362
Beautiful animals, cows, it's all in
the eyes.
95
00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:11,702
You look a cow in the eye and tell
me you're not tempted to lean in for a kiss.
96
00:05:12,422 --> 00:05:14,242
Not now, Margaret!
97
00:05:14,442 --> 00:05:17,121
OK, what about pigs? Where are
they on your sexy scale?
98
00:05:17,122 --> 00:05:21,422
Cracking sense of humour, pigs.
Smart, cheeky, feisty. Like geese.
99
00:05:21,442 --> 00:05:23,342
Lovely wiggle on a goose.
100
00:05:23,362 --> 00:05:25,342
Remind me to never go to a petting
zoo with you.
101
00:05:25,442 --> 00:05:27,162
Always go on me own anyway.
102
00:05:38,782 --> 00:05:41,022
Got time for a shag break?
103
00:05:41,102 --> 00:05:43,041
No chance. We're working our arses
off here.
104
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:46,402
Yeah? Give us a snog then. Come
here.
105
00:05:46,602 --> 00:05:48,002
Come here.
106
00:05:48,102 --> 00:05:50,302
Lucky chap, eh?
107
00:05:50,402 --> 00:05:53,322
D'you know, I've not been kissed
like that since...
108
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,462
Well... ever.
109
00:05:56,482 --> 00:05:58,942
And while you're
stocking up for Christmas
110
00:05:59,042 --> 00:06:01,602
why not try our two for one Yule
logs.
111
00:06:01,682 --> 00:06:03,202
You all right on your own for ten?
112
00:06:03,402 --> 00:06:05,721
Yeah, why? I think I need a Yule log
of me own.
113
00:06:05,722 --> 00:06:07,502
Ugh! Vile.
114
00:06:07,522 --> 00:06:09,181
So what you got Alan this year?
115
00:06:09,182 --> 00:06:11,761
Well, what do you get the man who
has everything?
116
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,042
How about a big... I've got him
Walnut Whips.
117
00:06:15,402 --> 00:06:18,722
OK. You don't think that's a bit...
you know, predictable?
118
00:06:18,902 --> 00:06:20,322
No, he's never heard of them.
119
00:06:20,502 --> 00:06:23,002
I said to him yesterday, "Alan. have
you heard of Walnut Whips?"
120
00:06:23,022 --> 00:06:25,761
and he said "No". Oh, he'll be right
surprised.
121
00:06:25,762 --> 00:06:27,742
Merry Christmas, meat counter.
122
00:06:27,842 --> 00:06:31,281
Have you all got your secret Santa
gifts? I need to collect them up.
123
00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:33,082
Looking forward to the party later?
124
00:06:33,122 --> 00:06:35,042
Looking forward to not going, yeah.
125
00:06:35,242 --> 00:06:36,782
Ah, come on. You can't let me go on
my own.
126
00:06:36,802 --> 00:06:38,081
It'll be rubbish without you.
127
00:06:38,082 --> 00:06:39,741
It'll be rubbish full stop.
128
00:06:39,742 --> 00:06:43,122
Plus, I'm going straight out after
work, meeting some mates, so, sorry.
129
00:06:43,202 --> 00:06:44,402
Ooh! Christmas kiss!
130
00:06:44,482 --> 00:06:47,361
Come on, you two! Give each other a
Christmas kiss!
131
00:06:47,362 --> 00:06:48,802
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
132
00:06:48,882 --> 00:06:51,681
Sorry, Margaret, no time. I've gotta
collect the presents.
133
00:06:51,682 --> 00:06:55,022
Although I don't know why I'm doing
it. Ian's the one in the costume.
134
00:06:55,042 --> 00:06:58,142
Well, that just another sign that
Christmas has gone down the pan.
135
00:06:58,222 --> 00:06:59,362
I don't like bragging,
136
00:06:59,542 --> 00:07:02,821
but when I used to do it I was the
best Santa in the entire world.
137
00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:06,321
You used to be the Valco Santa? Hard
to believe, innit?
138
00:07:06,322 --> 00:07:08,761
Santa should have rosy cheeks,
a big, fat belly...
139
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,202
Oh, hang on...
140
00:07:10,242 --> 00:07:11,781
Yeah, I was the best.
141
00:07:11,782 --> 00:07:15,041
I didn't just dress up as Santa... I
was Santa.
142
00:07:15,042 --> 00:07:17,022
So how come you're not the Santa any
more?
143
00:07:17,042 --> 00:07:19,982
Gavin decided I wasn't good enough
and threw me on the scrapheap.
144
00:07:20,002 --> 00:07:22,961
Yeah, the bit Andy's missed out is
that he threw a child.
145
00:07:22,962 --> 00:07:25,281
I didn't throw a child.
146
00:07:25,282 --> 00:07:27,201
Some little upstart was trying to
rip off m'beard,
147
00:07:27,202 --> 00:07:30,082
so I chucked him a bit, but he was
asking for it.
148
00:07:30,262 --> 00:07:32,802
No wonder you got banned. You can't
just beat up little kids.
149
00:07:33,002 --> 00:07:35,962
Little kids?! He was 13! When I was
13 I had a full beard and a Jeep!
150
00:07:38,582 --> 00:07:41,602
Now my wife wants me to come home
with turkey, Paxo,
151
00:07:41,702 --> 00:07:43,901
booze and crackers. What am I meant
to tell her?
152
00:07:43,902 --> 00:07:46,882
I understand what you're saying,
sir, and we are looking into it.
153
00:07:47,062 --> 00:07:49,121
Well, look into it harder. She'll
kill me.
154
00:07:49,122 --> 00:07:52,802
Your man's lying. Nobody's dropped a
lorry off here.
155
00:07:54,202 --> 00:07:56,701
Well, we're Warrington, not Wigan.
156
00:07:56,702 --> 00:07:59,741
Well, he's taken it to the wrong
branch!
157
00:07:59,742 --> 00:08:02,241
Well, who signed for it?
158
00:08:02,242 --> 00:08:03,842
Barry who?
159
00:08:04,042 --> 00:08:05,182
Skulls on fire!
160
00:08:05,282 --> 00:08:06,322
What's the matter?
161
00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:09,441
Barry Hound's got our delivery!
That... I'm so angry!
162
00:08:09,442 --> 00:08:11,261
Call him, Gavin! Call him now!
163
00:08:11,262 --> 00:08:13,841
And tell him to bring it back here
right now.
164
00:08:13,842 --> 00:08:15,601
I'm-I'm trying, don't crowd me,
Julie.
165
00:08:15,602 --> 00:08:17,022
You made me call Barry Howells by
mistake.
166
00:08:17,042 --> 00:08:19,042
You haven't got any port! Sshh!
167
00:08:19,202 --> 00:08:21,522
Now, Barry you listen to me, I'm
gonna-I'm only gonna to say this
168
00:08:21,622 --> 00:08:23,301
once, alright... where's our lorry?
169
00:08:23,302 --> 00:08:25,682
You knew very well that was ours
when you signed for it.
170
00:08:25,762 --> 00:08:27,362
Tell him he won't get away with
this.
171
00:08:27,562 --> 00:08:29,601
You won't get away with this! Tell
him to bring it back.
172
00:08:29,602 --> 00:08:31,121
Just bring it back! He says he
won't.
173
00:08:31,122 --> 00:08:34,522
Tell him it's Christmas Eve! It's
Christmas Eve!
174
00:08:35,722 --> 00:08:37,281
Barry?
175
00:08:37,282 --> 00:08:38,182
He hung up.
176
00:08:39,622 --> 00:08:41,121
What are we going to do?
177
00:08:41,122 --> 00:08:44,101
Well, without that delivery we won't
outsell the corner shop,
178
00:08:44,102 --> 00:08:45,682
let alone the Wigan branch.
179
00:08:45,762 --> 00:08:50,102
He's stolen Christmas, Julie. Barry
Hound has stolen Christmas.
180
00:08:53,222 --> 00:08:54,561
That's better.
181
00:08:54,562 --> 00:08:57,922
Aw. Hey, imagine if you have him
tomorrow.
182
00:08:58,022 --> 00:09:01,521
He'll be like baby Jesus. I'd be
like Jesus's godmother.
183
00:09:01,522 --> 00:09:03,682
I'm not spending Christmas day in
hospital.
184
00:09:03,782 --> 00:09:05,981
Two weeks I've been eating curries
to induce the little git.
185
00:09:05,982 --> 00:09:08,002
I swear he's just trying to wind me
up.
186
00:09:08,102 --> 00:09:12,421
Aw. Hey, our neighbour's got a whole
manger in his front yard.
187
00:09:12,422 --> 00:09:15,041
You could have it there. I could
deliver it. I'd be like...
188
00:09:15,042 --> 00:09:17,762
You're not putting your hands
anywhere near my fanny!
189
00:09:17,862 --> 00:09:19,902
Why not? We've all seen it! What you
on about?
190
00:09:19,922 --> 00:09:22,721
Christmas party last year.
191
00:09:22,722 --> 00:09:26,641
Oh, yeah. It's a good job I'm not
drinking today then, in't it?
192
00:09:26,642 --> 00:09:29,742
This lot'll barely last half an hour
out there.
193
00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:32,604
Barry Hound is going to be on the
receiving end of a very
194
00:09:32,684 --> 00:09:34,203
strong letter come Boxing Day.
195
00:09:34,204 --> 00:09:35,804
Why don't you just nick it back?
196
00:09:35,884 --> 00:09:39,643
Great thinking, Colin. Yeah, let's
just go out and steal a whole lorry.
197
00:09:39,644 --> 00:09:42,044
I've stolen bigger. 2,000 Easter
eggs I nicked once.
198
00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:44,044
Where from? Erm...
199
00:09:45,904 --> 00:09:49,784
Stealing a truck from another
branch is the stuff of madness.
200
00:09:49,804 --> 00:09:52,964
Whatever next? There'll be arson?
Graverobbing? Murder?
201
00:09:53,104 --> 00:09:57,084
Although... is it stealing? I mean,
it is our lorry.
202
00:09:57,144 --> 00:10:01,103
Julie, it runs against everything in
the Valco rulebook.
203
00:10:01,104 --> 00:10:04,363
I know you're going to hate me for
saying this, Gavin, but...
204
00:10:04,364 --> 00:10:06,863
maybe, just this once,
205
00:10:06,864 --> 00:10:08,044
damn the rulebook.
206
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,671
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
207
00:10:14,628 --> 00:10:17,668
Here you go. Have a good one.
Cheers.
208
00:10:17,808 --> 00:10:19,468
Happy Christmas, arseholes.
209
00:10:19,556 --> 00:10:23,536
Oh, here she is, Tiny Tim. Forgotten
your crutch, have you?
210
00:10:23,696 --> 00:10:25,936
I come bearing gifts and tidings of
joy, as it goes.
211
00:10:27,576 --> 00:10:28,736
Spare mince pies.
212
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:33,295
Mashed fruit has no business calling
itself mince.
213
00:10:33,296 --> 00:10:35,736
If there was a bit of cow in there,
it'd be a different story.
214
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:38,335
Yeah, you'd probably try and get off
with them. Yes please?
215
00:10:38,336 --> 00:10:40,656
And a Merry Christmas to you an'all.
216
00:10:41,616 --> 00:10:44,335
Any pies going spare? I'm starving.
217
00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:46,736
Take the lot, Santa. Cheers.
218
00:10:47,696 --> 00:10:52,916
All right. I reckon we could enter
here at the loading bay. It's easy.
219
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:56,476
Is this to scale? What? Yes,
Leighton, obviously.
220
00:10:56,496 --> 00:10:58,735
Obviously a functioning
supermarket's hardly likely
221
00:10:58,736 --> 00:11:02,475
to be A1 size, is it? No, sorry.
Stupid.
222
00:11:02,476 --> 00:11:05,616
Well, no, er... Well done for asking
a question.
223
00:11:05,796 --> 00:11:09,116
Now, just like us, Wigan will have
taken on several Christmas staff.
224
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:11,056
So we're in, we're in the perfect
uniform.
225
00:11:11,236 --> 00:11:13,696
And then you switch to the truck
and you, Colin,
226
00:11:13,776 --> 00:11:16,756
you drive it out of there, seeing as
you've got an HGV license.
227
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:20,335
Yeah, yeah, it says that on me CV,
so yeah, I can do that.
228
00:11:20,336 --> 00:11:25,356
Oh, it's like that film, Ocean's...
Three.
229
00:11:25,376 --> 00:11:26,756
Let's do it.
230
00:11:32,176 --> 00:11:34,255
If I...
231
00:11:34,256 --> 00:11:36,976
If I don't make it back...
232
00:11:37,036 --> 00:11:39,216
Take care of this old place.
233
00:11:39,316 --> 00:11:42,416
Oh, please take me with you. No,
Julie. You've got a store to run.
234
00:11:43,936 --> 00:11:44,976
It's Christmas Eve.
235
00:11:50,616 --> 00:11:51,836
Merry Christmas.
236
00:11:52,036 --> 00:11:53,916
Can't believe Gavin didn't ask us to
go.
237
00:11:53,936 --> 00:11:57,295
Me and Ian have got more operational
knowledge in our little fingers than him.
238
00:11:57,296 --> 00:11:59,215
It's a classic covert smash and
grab.
239
00:11:59,216 --> 00:12:00,236
In and out in under a minute.
240
00:12:00,336 --> 00:12:02,556
So go on then. How would you two do
it?
241
00:12:02,576 --> 00:12:05,736
Well, firstly, we wouldn't turn up
in a van like them idiots.
242
00:12:05,776 --> 00:12:07,696
Yeah, we'd go in through the air
vents.
243
00:12:07,796 --> 00:12:09,596
You two? Crawling through the air
vents?
244
00:12:09,616 --> 00:12:12,196
Yeah. Get in the vents, crawl to the
frozen aisle.
245
00:12:12,216 --> 00:12:14,836
Then we'd drop down from above
gently, like snowflakes.
246
00:12:14,876 --> 00:12:16,975
Oh, I'd love to see that. Then what
would you do?
247
00:12:16,976 --> 00:12:20,456
Stick together. If you split up
you'll only get picked off one by one.
248
00:12:20,496 --> 00:12:22,255
Like in Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo?
249
00:12:22,256 --> 00:12:28,016
We're talking military strategy
here. Recon. Combat. Scooby Doo!
250
00:12:28,196 --> 00:12:31,855
Right, you two dropping down in the
middle of the store. Then what?
251
00:12:31,856 --> 00:12:33,416
Obvious. Take a hostage.
252
00:12:33,436 --> 00:12:37,135
Woah, why we taking a hostage?
I never knew there'd be hostages.
253
00:12:37,136 --> 00:12:38,656
What do you suggest? Call Scrappy
Doo?
254
00:12:38,776 --> 00:12:41,036
Stun grenades. Stun grenades? Are
you having a laugh?
255
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,855
I'm going to lunch. Any more of this
and I'm going to cut me own ears off.
256
00:12:43,856 --> 00:12:45,856
Yeah, off you go, Shaggy! Stun
grenades!
257
00:12:45,936 --> 00:12:47,036
Yes, my love?
258
00:12:47,056 --> 00:12:48,896
Risen with angels singing...
259
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,016
Excuse me, love, do you work here?
260
00:12:51,056 --> 00:12:53,936
Yes. Oh, well, not here here. At the
deli.
261
00:12:54,136 --> 00:12:57,676
And that's not here. Well, it is
here, it's just not here here.
262
00:12:57,776 --> 00:13:00,456
It's over there there. Merry
Christmas.
263
00:13:04,816 --> 00:13:08,495
Oh, get in! You want it?
264
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,916
Careful. You know what happened last
time you did that?
265
00:13:12,496 --> 00:13:14,995
Hey, you get all your shopping done?
266
00:13:14,996 --> 00:13:17,776
Yes, managed to get all the kids
pressies in one go.
267
00:13:17,976 --> 00:13:20,176
Lovely Mickey Mouse snow globes.
268
00:13:20,276 --> 00:13:21,775
Aw, I'm sure they'll love them.
269
00:13:21,776 --> 00:13:24,976
Yeah, hopefully they'll start
calling me dad again soon.
270
00:13:27,216 --> 00:13:29,835
So, Christmas day at your folks?
271
00:13:29,836 --> 00:13:32,715
Yep. Emma not coming round then?
272
00:13:32,716 --> 00:13:35,955
Only thing Emma's coming round to is
the idea of never seeing me again.
273
00:13:35,956 --> 00:13:40,975
Oh. Well, maybe this'll cheer you
up. Merry Christmas.
274
00:13:40,976 --> 00:13:43,696
Oh, no way! You didn't have to do
that.
275
00:13:44,676 --> 00:13:46,736
I thought you could hang it on your
bedroom door
276
00:13:46,936 --> 00:13:48,816
now that you've moved back with your
parents.
277
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,735
Thanks... I'm sorry, I didn't get
you anything.
278
00:13:50,736 --> 00:13:53,035
Oh, it's all right. You're going
through a lot so...
279
00:13:53,036 --> 00:13:57,436
Anyway, you got me this beautiful
ring. Thanks. S'alright.
280
00:13:57,656 --> 00:14:01,135
I'll make it up to you at the party.
I told you, I'm not going.
281
00:14:01,136 --> 00:14:03,956
Come on. It's not like either of us
has got anything better to do.
282
00:14:04,016 --> 00:14:06,895
Well, it's not like I've got
anything better to do. All right then.
283
00:14:06,896 --> 00:14:09,616
Yes! But only out of sympathy. You
owe me one.
284
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,776
Anybody want to pull my cracker?
285
00:14:11,836 --> 00:14:15,496
Nah, you're all right. Oh, go on
then. I've already lost once.
286
00:14:15,516 --> 00:14:17,776
I wouldn't worry, I've never won one
of these.
287
00:14:22,476 --> 00:14:24,496
That'll be the snow globes.
288
00:14:25,816 --> 00:14:27,156
At least you won the cracker.
289
00:14:28,496 --> 00:14:30,376
It's actually erm... empty.
290
00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:34,736
There you go sir, Merry Christmas.
291
00:14:36,736 --> 00:14:39,056
Bugger me.
292
00:14:40,716 --> 00:14:42,756
He's coming this way! Coming this
way!
293
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:48,256
All right, mate?
294
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:53,456
You look amazing.
295
00:14:53,516 --> 00:14:57,295
I mean not-not amazing, er, you
know what I mean...
296
00:14:57,296 --> 00:15:00,175
Sorry, sorry, er, it's just I've
dreamt of this moment...
297
00:15:00,176 --> 00:15:03,775
Not-not dreamt in that way, you
know, we weren't naked or anything.
298
00:15:03,776 --> 00:15:06,536
Well, we weren't wearing much but we
were on holiday.
299
00:15:06,576 --> 00:15:07,936
You know, Speedos... You're OK?
300
00:15:08,016 --> 00:15:10,256
Yeah. Yeah. Just a bit overcome.
301
00:15:11,376 --> 00:15:15,775
I'm looking for um, roasting joints?
Beef. For, say, ten people?
302
00:15:15,776 --> 00:15:17,836
I hate turkeys at Christmas.
303
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:21,055
Exactly what I was saying earlier.
Ugly birds those turkeys.
304
00:15:21,056 --> 00:15:23,756
Yeah, I know! Not like a sexy little
goose.
305
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:27,056
Andy Richmond by the way. Big, big
fan.
306
00:15:27,216 --> 00:15:30,376
There she is - the Golden Goose.
307
00:15:30,416 --> 00:15:33,535
Right let's get her out of there.
308
00:15:33,536 --> 00:15:37,276
Gavin, if you want, I can just go to
the warehouse and have a shit.
309
00:15:37,296 --> 00:15:40,496
I've already got a turtle's head...
No, Colin. Absolutely not.
310
00:15:40,696 --> 00:15:43,216
Gavin... what do you think's out
there? In the other Valco?
311
00:15:43,416 --> 00:15:45,196
Well, it's exactly like our store,
Leighton.
312
00:15:45,216 --> 00:15:47,315
Only with Barry Hound throwing his
weight around.
313
00:15:47,316 --> 00:15:50,136
Now, Colin, you jump in the cab,
I'll make sure it's all in there.
314
00:15:54,156 --> 00:15:55,696
Ah, perfect.
315
00:15:59,716 --> 00:16:01,675
I actually didn't think it would be
this easy.
316
00:16:01,676 --> 00:16:04,556
Right, OK. We're good to go.
317
00:16:04,656 --> 00:16:06,136
Where's Leighton?
318
00:16:10,256 --> 00:16:12,396
Heck and hell! Leighton!
319
00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:15,535
Fuck him! Gavin!
320
00:16:15,536 --> 00:16:16,935
Gavin! Gavin!
321
00:16:16,936 --> 00:16:22,415
Let's go! Come on! I wanna drive a
truck! Again.
322
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:25,516
And you will do, Colin. But no man
gets left behind.
323
00:16:25,596 --> 00:16:28,976
I'm not having another little Keith.
Not on my watch.
324
00:16:30,116 --> 00:16:31,896
Come on.
325
00:16:35,216 --> 00:16:36,796
Martin Luther King.
326
00:16:36,816 --> 00:16:38,096
Keifer Sutherland...
327
00:16:39,156 --> 00:16:41,616
and the Sugababes.
328
00:16:41,816 --> 00:16:43,315
A man of my own heart, Andy.
329
00:16:43,316 --> 00:16:45,215
Oh, thank you, Sir Ian. That means a
lot.
330
00:16:45,216 --> 00:16:46,336
No, no, Beefy.
331
00:16:46,416 --> 00:16:50,376
Cheers, Beefy. Here's your beef... y.
332
00:16:50,396 --> 00:16:52,915
Looks a bit tough, Andy.
333
00:16:52,916 --> 00:16:56,016
You what? Just looks a bit like a
cheap cut.
334
00:16:57,816 --> 00:16:59,475
A cheap cut? From my counter?
335
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:02,176
Well, it just looks a bit ragged.
Like stewing steak.
336
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:06,096
All due respect, you don't know what
you're talking about, mate.
337
00:17:08,656 --> 00:17:12,156
I think I know a bit more about beef
than some supermarket butcher.
338
00:17:14,416 --> 00:17:17,876
Oh, you do, do you, Beefy?
339
00:17:20,796 --> 00:17:24,655
Hello, Sue. You er, looking forward
to the party later?
340
00:17:24,656 --> 00:17:27,055
I've got more important things on my
mind, Neville.
341
00:17:27,056 --> 00:17:29,215
Like trying to squeeze a person out
of me.
342
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:33,615
No, right. I see. Actually I er,
wanted a quick word.
343
00:17:33,616 --> 00:17:35,295
I've got Linda in the secret Santa
344
00:17:35,296 --> 00:17:37,616
and I've got no idea what
to get her.
345
00:17:37,816 --> 00:17:40,016
Now what does she like?
Talking shit.
346
00:17:40,216 --> 00:17:46,015
Right, er... not sure what
I can get her for that.
347
00:17:46,016 --> 00:17:49,195
Any other ideas? Maybe something for
her and her boyfriend?
348
00:17:49,196 --> 00:17:52,715
She's not got a boyfriend. Not got a
boyfriend? Lovely filly like Linda?
349
00:17:52,716 --> 00:17:54,096
Y'alright.
350
00:17:54,196 --> 00:17:57,456
Er, Sue says you're not courting.
Pretty girl like you?
351
00:17:57,636 --> 00:17:59,856
Give over. I tell you, Linda,
352
00:17:59,976 --> 00:18:03,056
the men of Warrington are fools.
Bloody fools!
353
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:04,976
Aw. Right, hop it, Neville.
354
00:18:05,096 --> 00:18:08,456
We've got enough on our plates here
without you trying to chat us up.
355
00:18:08,496 --> 00:18:11,536
Catch you later, Linda. Sue.
356
00:18:14,256 --> 00:18:15,656
Aw. He's quite sweet, in't he?
357
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,876
What?
358
00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:25,416
It's the ultimate. The ultimate
Valco.
359
00:18:25,436 --> 00:18:27,056
Excuse me, do you work here?
360
00:18:28,496 --> 00:18:32,016
Er yes. Yes I work in Wigan, I live
in Wigan as well. Wigan.
361
00:18:32,136 --> 00:18:33,836
Great, where are the crackers?
362
00:18:38,636 --> 00:18:39,996
I don't know.
363
00:18:42,536 --> 00:18:45,696
Leighton! Leighton!
364
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:47,936
Hey. Hey. Are you one of the
Christmas staff?
365
00:18:51,136 --> 00:18:53,415
Er, yeah.
366
00:18:53,416 --> 00:18:56,735
Oh, welcome to Valco. Let me know if
you need a hand.
367
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:59,956
I'll get one of the regulars to help
you.
368
00:18:59,996 --> 00:19:02,896
No, I'm all right cheers. OK then.
Merry Christmas!
369
00:19:04,496 --> 00:19:05,916
What a dog.
370
00:19:08,656 --> 00:19:11,475
Excuse me, I can't find the
parsnips.
371
00:19:11,476 --> 00:19:14,216
Oh, right, er... Parsnips.
372
00:19:14,256 --> 00:19:17,036
Please put the item in the bag.
373
00:19:17,136 --> 00:19:18,816
Please scan the barcode or select...
374
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:20,536
Please scan the barcode or select an
item.
375
00:19:27,436 --> 00:19:32,555
Oi, your queue's turning in to a
conga. Quicker, son.
376
00:19:32,556 --> 00:19:34,515
Quicker.
377
00:19:34,516 --> 00:19:35,696
Excuse me.
378
00:19:37,616 --> 00:19:39,536
Are you listening, fella?
379
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,316
Why aye, mon.
You what?
380
00:19:42,416 --> 00:19:45,855
I'll be gettin' through as quick as
I can, like.
381
00:19:45,856 --> 00:19:48,796
And sort your beard out. You look
like a tramp.
382
00:19:48,816 --> 00:19:51,196
Bloody Christmas staff.
383
00:19:55,216 --> 00:19:55,916
Leighton!
384
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,136
Leighton.
385
00:20:00,556 --> 00:20:03,376
You take it back. Oi, you two, pack
it in!
386
00:20:03,476 --> 00:20:05,936
OK, OK. You weren't a reckless
batsman.
387
00:20:06,136 --> 00:20:08,736
Get off him! We'll have no hoo har
here!
388
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:11,376
Say that again and next time I'll
put you to sleep.
389
00:20:11,576 --> 00:20:14,416
You put me to sleep yakking on about
your charity walks all the time.
390
00:20:14,616 --> 00:20:15,836
Anyone can walk. Numpty.
391
00:20:15,936 --> 00:20:18,975
If there's a cheap cut of beef
around here, it's you, mate.
392
00:20:18,976 --> 00:20:20,556
I'm disappointed, Andy.
393
00:20:20,576 --> 00:20:21,696
Oh, come here then.
394
00:20:21,896 --> 00:20:24,976
If he thinks I'm watching his DVD
he's got another thing coming!
395
00:20:25,056 --> 00:20:28,096
Hurry up! Before we get caught! But
they even had a grotto, Gavin!
396
00:20:28,176 --> 00:20:31,856
With presents under the tree.
Presents?! Do you think they were real?
397
00:20:31,936 --> 00:20:35,153
Real presents? No, they're probably
not worth the financial risk.
398
00:20:35,156 --> 00:20:37,696
It's probably just kind of blocks of
polystyrene or... Come on!
399
00:20:37,710 --> 00:20:39,074
Yes, come on!
400
00:20:46,823 --> 00:20:49,083
What am I supposed to use instead of
cranberry sauce?
401
00:20:49,263 --> 00:20:50,203
Fucking raspberry jam?
402
00:20:50,343 --> 00:20:52,823
I'm sure there's people in Africa
who'd be very grateful
403
00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:55,883
for raspberry jam at Christmas. Ask
Bob Geldof.
404
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:58,363
Come on, Gavin, where are you?
405
00:20:58,563 --> 00:21:01,223
But it's Christmas bloody Eve, you
maniac!
406
00:21:01,243 --> 00:21:06,442
And I'm sorry, Vic, but we are
expecting a delivery very soon.
407
00:21:06,443 --> 00:21:08,863
Come on! Who wants a happy
Christmas?
408
00:21:13,083 --> 00:21:15,602
Here we go. All right.
409
00:21:15,603 --> 00:21:17,643
Is there any figgy pudding?
410
00:21:17,723 --> 00:21:20,443
We've got everything except three
French hens.
411
00:21:21,603 --> 00:21:25,403
You know, I suspect that Colin might
need an HGV refreshers course.
412
00:21:25,503 --> 00:21:28,502
You know he drove straight over a
roundabout on the way back.
413
00:21:28,503 --> 00:21:31,083
Gavin, you have saved Christmas!
414
00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:33,882
One minute you're a mild-mannered
store manager,
415
00:21:33,883 --> 00:21:35,803
and the next you're a super-hero.
416
00:21:35,903 --> 00:21:38,782
Valco's very own Clark Kent.
417
00:21:38,783 --> 00:21:41,983
Isn't there already a Clark Kent in
Valco?
418
00:21:42,043 --> 00:21:44,442
Yeah, I'm sure he's deputy manager
at Chester.
419
00:21:44,443 --> 00:21:48,042
No, Superman. And me as Lois Lane.
420
00:21:48,043 --> 00:21:50,343
Ready for you to come and take me up
into the sky.
421
00:21:50,543 --> 00:21:51,962
Yeah, well, you know my head for
heights,
422
00:21:51,963 --> 00:21:53,403
I think that might be out of the
question.
423
00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,902
Oh, well, take me on the ground
then.
424
00:21:55,903 --> 00:21:59,143
Oh, not take me on the ground, I
just mean take me.
425
00:21:59,263 --> 00:22:03,323
Oh, not sexually. I mean, unless
um...
426
00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:07,482
No, oooh... well done, my hero.
427
00:22:07,483 --> 00:22:10,422
Well, I wasn't gonna let Barry Hound
get away with that.
428
00:22:10,423 --> 00:22:14,623
Now, let's spread some flippin'
happiness!
429
00:22:14,663 --> 00:22:17,822
We'd like to tell customers
that Valco's shelves are being
430
00:22:17,823 --> 00:22:20,763
loaded with fresh Christmas goodies,
straight off the delivery truck.
431
00:22:20,963 --> 00:22:23,323
What you doing with them?
432
00:22:23,503 --> 00:22:26,203
Told you, I'm gonna deliver the
baby. Get away from me, you idiot.
433
00:22:26,283 --> 00:22:29,243
Come on, I wanna meet my godson. I'm
gonna wet m'self!
434
00:22:29,443 --> 00:22:31,162
Merry Christmas.
435
00:22:31,163 --> 00:22:33,123
Bloody hell. I am knackered.
436
00:22:34,663 --> 00:22:37,703
Did you pigs eat all the pies? No,
we gave them to Santa.
437
00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:39,903
That's what you're supposed to do,
innit?
438
00:22:39,963 --> 00:22:42,282
Santa? What, Ian? Fatso Ian?
439
00:22:42,283 --> 00:22:44,443
Oh, do you ever say anything nice
about anyone?
440
00:22:44,623 --> 00:22:48,063
But they were meant for you. I'd
made them special.
441
00:22:48,123 --> 00:22:50,503
Sorry. I didn't realise you'd gone
to so much trouble.
442
00:22:51,583 --> 00:22:55,443
You know, perhaps I've been a bit
hard on you in the past.
443
00:22:55,463 --> 00:22:58,763
You know, for you to go out of your
way and make me a special batch...
444
00:22:58,843 --> 00:23:02,843
Don't be soft. I mean I made
"special" mince pies.
445
00:23:04,123 --> 00:23:06,463
There's enough laxative in them to
crap your own arse off.
446
00:23:08,623 --> 00:23:10,683
Maybe someone should tell Ian.
447
00:23:17,323 --> 00:23:20,443
Santa! Not now, son!
448
00:23:20,643 --> 00:23:22,843
Ohhh!
449
00:23:23,743 --> 00:23:27,583
Silent night
450
00:23:27,623 --> 00:23:32,503
Holy night.
451
00:23:32,603 --> 00:23:33,883
Excuse me!
452
00:23:34,923 --> 00:23:39,003
All is calm
453
00:23:39,203 --> 00:23:42,043
All is bright...
454
00:23:42,243 --> 00:23:44,222
This is a reminder to all
customers,
455
00:23:44,223 --> 00:23:46,503
the store will be closing in five
minutes.
456
00:23:46,523 --> 00:23:50,203
Oh, I do hope we've given Wigan a
thorough thrashing in the figures.
457
00:23:52,363 --> 00:23:55,562
Where the hell have you been? It's
nearly time to close up.
458
00:23:55,563 --> 00:23:57,402
Where's your Santa costume gone?
459
00:23:57,403 --> 00:23:59,322
I don't know how to say this, but
er...
460
00:23:59,323 --> 00:24:02,763
It's the suit. I had a bit of an
accident in the suit.
461
00:24:02,843 --> 00:24:05,242
Whatever happened? Did you fall?
462
00:24:05,243 --> 00:24:06,843
Well, let's just say...
463
00:24:07,043 --> 00:24:08,123
I shat meself.
464
00:24:09,723 --> 00:24:11,763
Oh. Oh, Lord.
465
00:24:11,783 --> 00:24:14,342
I-I-I'll take it out the back and
burn it.
466
00:24:14,343 --> 00:24:15,643
Oh...
467
00:24:16,563 --> 00:24:17,883
Accidents happen, eh?
468
00:24:18,063 --> 00:24:18,763
Urgh.
469
00:24:21,943 --> 00:24:22,823
We did it then.
470
00:24:22,843 --> 00:24:24,602
The store is now closed.
471
00:24:24,603 --> 00:24:27,162
Best day ever. Please make your way
to leave.
472
00:24:27,163 --> 00:24:28,762
Yeah, mate. And drive safely.
473
00:24:28,763 --> 00:24:32,442
Here he is, Ronnie Biggs. Big enough
for me, anyway.
474
00:24:32,443 --> 00:24:36,762
And where have you been? Me? Holding
out for me hero.
475
00:24:36,763 --> 00:24:39,162
Oh, yeah? Mmm. Well, I say holding
out.
476
00:24:39,163 --> 00:24:41,403
I had a quick frig at lunch time.
Mmm. Ooooh.
477
00:24:43,483 --> 00:24:45,903
Hey.
478
00:24:47,323 --> 00:24:48,923
No. No.
479
00:24:51,163 --> 00:24:52,663
Merry Christmas, Vic.
480
00:24:52,763 --> 00:24:56,542
See you on Boxing Day, Gavin.
481
00:24:56,543 --> 00:24:58,723
Ian. Lock the doors!
482
00:24:59,643 --> 00:25:03,123
We did it, everyone! Cracking work!
483
00:25:05,563 --> 00:25:09,182
Just look around you. Look at all
those empty shelves stripped bare.
484
00:25:09,183 --> 00:25:13,722
It's like there's been a global
disaster! Well done!
485
00:25:13,723 --> 00:25:15,643
Let's get pissed!
486
00:25:15,803 --> 00:25:19,903
Well, I-I wouldn't exactly use those
words, Sharon,
487
00:25:19,943 --> 00:25:22,362
but you're all allowed to let your
hair down.
488
00:25:22,363 --> 00:25:26,423
So come on let's... let our hair
down!
489
00:25:28,443 --> 00:25:30,843
Oh, we make a great team, don't we
Gavin?
490
00:25:31,023 --> 00:25:34,323
Oh, the best, Julie. Or should I
say, Lois Lane.
491
00:25:42,063 --> 00:25:44,402
You look nice, Julie. Oh, well.
492
00:25:44,403 --> 00:25:47,563
If you can't make an effort on
Christmas Eve, then when can you?
493
00:25:48,663 --> 00:25:51,623
You on the pull then? No, of course
not.
494
00:25:51,643 --> 00:25:54,683
But if I did want to make myself
look a bit more, you know, um...
495
00:25:54,783 --> 00:25:57,463
"pullable" what should I do?
496
00:25:57,743 --> 00:26:00,103
Well, my advice would be to
accentuate your best features.
497
00:26:00,123 --> 00:26:02,203
Yeah. Or show off a bit of tit.
498
00:26:02,403 --> 00:26:04,523
Can I borrow your perfume? Yeah,
course.
499
00:26:05,983 --> 00:26:07,383
Cheers.
500
00:26:16,203 --> 00:26:17,942
Look out, women of Valco.
501
00:26:17,943 --> 00:26:21,002
Neville is off the leash
and is looking sharp.
502
00:26:21,003 --> 00:26:24,283
Here you are, Nev, would you just
hold that a sec for us, please?
503
00:26:24,463 --> 00:26:25,082
Oh, lovely.
504
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,463
Woo! Go get 'em.
505
00:26:30,883 --> 00:26:33,482
I just couldn't get the zip
undone in time.
506
00:26:33,483 --> 00:26:36,483
Next thing you knew - bang -
game over.
507
00:26:37,363 --> 00:26:38,683
We've all been there.
508
00:26:38,783 --> 00:26:41,523
Still, at least
I managed to save my hat.
509
00:26:41,543 --> 00:26:44,583
Well, that's all you need to be
Santa - a hat and a beard.
510
00:26:45,703 --> 00:26:47,323
I got shit on the beard.
511
00:26:55,003 --> 00:26:56,363
Oh, Julie, you look great.
512
00:26:56,563 --> 00:27:00,263
Oh, don't. I feel like a big silly
Christmas present.
513
00:27:00,363 --> 00:27:02,543
Oh, yeah?
Who's going to unwrap you later?
514
00:27:04,683 --> 00:27:06,663
Sorry. Happy Christmas.
515
00:27:06,763 --> 00:27:09,123
I think I'll just go
and get myself a Twiglet.
516
00:27:11,083 --> 00:27:12,922
Right then, you've got me here.
517
00:27:12,923 --> 00:27:14,703
How you gonna make it worth my
while?
518
00:27:14,763 --> 00:27:17,103
Er, we could do
a duet on the karaoke?
519
00:27:19,243 --> 00:27:20,543
Or we could just get really drunk.
520
00:27:20,563 --> 00:27:22,882
That's a better idea.
Cheers. Cheers.
521
00:27:22,883 --> 00:27:26,263
Coming through. Mind your backs.
There you are, ladies.
522
00:27:26,283 --> 00:27:30,282
Double vodka and lemonade, one
orange juice and...
523
00:27:30,283 --> 00:27:31,943
Ah, that's empty.
524
00:27:32,023 --> 00:27:34,763
You spending Christmas
with your kids, then?
525
00:27:34,963 --> 00:27:37,423
Oh, yes. I just wish I had something
more to give them
526
00:27:37,483 --> 00:27:39,502
tomorrow than
a bag of shattered glass.
527
00:27:39,503 --> 00:27:40,782
Ah Nev.
528
00:27:40,783 --> 00:27:42,743
Come on, let's have a dance.
Right.
529
00:27:42,763 --> 00:27:46,443
OK, but I warn you, the last time
I disco danced I slipped a disk.
530
00:27:56,103 --> 00:27:57,483
So, are the results in?
531
00:27:57,583 --> 00:28:00,002
Oh, yes. I'll be printing them
off in a mo.
532
00:28:00,003 --> 00:28:02,723
I've got a good feeling we're going
to thrash that stinking Hound.
533
00:28:02,743 --> 00:28:05,643
I can't wait to see you
rub his nose in it. Oh.
534
00:28:05,823 --> 00:28:07,402
My ears burning?
535
00:28:07,403 --> 00:28:11,543
Ah. Ah, yeah, well, I thought
I could smell a dirty Hound.
536
00:28:11,743 --> 00:28:14,283
Come on,
I ain't got time to chew the dung.
537
00:28:14,463 --> 00:28:18,243
Let's go and get our takings out,
see whose is biggest, eh? Eh!
538
00:28:25,803 --> 00:28:27,563
Holly and ivy, we did it!
539
00:28:29,483 --> 00:28:32,122
Only two grand in it. Bastards!
540
00:28:32,123 --> 00:28:35,703
Ah, better luck next time, Barry.
Looks like the best branch won.
541
00:28:35,723 --> 00:28:38,283
I'm not sure how you found
the time to outsell us...
542
00:28:38,463 --> 00:28:40,543
and steal a lorry
from our loading bay.
543
00:28:42,163 --> 00:28:44,143
What? Steal...
544
00:28:45,803 --> 00:28:47,883
Steal a lorry?
545
00:28:48,063 --> 00:28:50,063
I've no idea what you're
talking about.
546
00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:54,343
No? Well, maybe there's something up
with this CCTV footage, then.
547
00:28:54,423 --> 00:28:58,182
Alright, alright! Yes!
Yes, we stole back our lorry.
548
00:28:58,183 --> 00:29:00,462
You had no right to keep
it in the first place.
549
00:29:00,463 --> 00:29:01,843
You had no right, Barry!
550
00:29:02,863 --> 00:29:05,883
I should haul your arse
up in front of Martin Shell -
551
00:29:05,963 --> 00:29:08,203
see what he makes of all this.
552
00:29:08,383 --> 00:29:11,083
Oh, hang on. N-n-n-n-no, we don't
have to involve head office.
553
00:29:11,263 --> 00:29:14,283
Don't we? It's theft, Gavin.
554
00:29:15,563 --> 00:29:17,602
And you know what?
555
00:29:17,603 --> 00:29:19,482
What?
556
00:29:19,483 --> 00:29:23,223
I didn't know you had the balls!
557
00:29:26,043 --> 00:29:28,042
So y-you're not going to
tell head office?
558
00:29:28,043 --> 00:29:31,843
Tell 'em what?
That Gav Strong's a bloody leg'?
559
00:29:33,003 --> 00:29:35,083
Soft pal!
560
00:29:37,323 --> 00:29:39,623
Someone's under the mistletoe.
561
00:29:39,703 --> 00:29:43,403
And that someone - me
- is expecting a Christmas kiss.
562
00:29:45,483 --> 00:29:47,343
So let's call it a draw.
563
00:29:48,223 --> 00:29:50,742
Are you sure about this?
Sure as shit, pal.
564
00:29:50,743 --> 00:29:54,043
Oh, well, I guess that means that
neither of has to do the forfeit.
565
00:29:54,123 --> 00:29:56,203
Hallelujah!
Er, think again.
566
00:29:56,383 --> 00:29:59,963
In my book, that means we both have
to do the forfeit, which,
567
00:30:00,043 --> 00:30:03,543
by the way, is make a prank
call to Martin Shell.
568
00:30:03,563 --> 00:30:06,442
What!? Are you out of your mind?
569
00:30:06,443 --> 00:30:09,323
Make a prank call to
a member of senior Valco management?
570
00:30:09,503 --> 00:30:14,362
Come on... let's see those big
balls of yours, eh!
571
00:30:14,363 --> 00:30:16,523
Ho...
572
00:30:21,423 --> 00:30:24,202
Awww, isn't that sweet?
573
00:30:24,203 --> 00:30:26,723
So, do you wanna dance as well,
then?
574
00:30:27,483 --> 00:30:30,023
Do I look like I do?
What, you embarrassed or something?
575
00:30:30,123 --> 00:30:33,322
Stop it.
576
00:30:33,323 --> 00:30:35,703
I've got the moves. Come on.
577
00:30:35,723 --> 00:30:38,803
Come on then, Leighton. Let's have
it. You're such a tit.
578
00:30:39,783 --> 00:30:41,923
Well, er, is there a Mrs Wall
there?
579
00:30:45,543 --> 00:30:48,563
Oh, I see. Well em,
are there any Walls there?
580
00:30:49,903 --> 00:30:53,483
Well, if there's no walls,
how does your roof stay up?
581
00:30:57,983 --> 00:31:01,763
We've got your wife.
We want two million quid.
582
00:31:01,783 --> 00:31:03,622
What the heck did you say that for?
583
00:31:03,623 --> 00:31:07,883
Don't get your knickers in a twist -
he won't know it was us.
584
00:31:10,183 --> 00:31:12,962
You did mask your caller ID,
didn't you?
585
00:31:12,963 --> 00:31:15,182
What? You dialled it.
586
00:31:15,183 --> 00:31:20,843
Shit. You're on your own, pal. See
you same time next year, eh?
587
00:31:23,535 --> 00:31:29,055
Honestly it was just a-a-a-a-a
Christmas prank that backfired.
588
00:31:29,079 --> 00:31:32,549
I really can't apologise enough,
er, Martin.
589
00:31:35,846 --> 00:31:37,926
Well, how long has
she been missing for?
590
00:31:39,926 --> 00:31:42,766
Well, I-I-I'm sure she'll
turn up soon.
591
00:31:43,771 --> 00:31:46,091
Y-y-yeah,
good luck with that, Martin.
592
00:31:46,308 --> 00:31:48,628
So what's happened?
Where's Barry Hound?
593
00:31:48,688 --> 00:31:52,328
Oh, well, the big bad Hound has
scurried back to Wigan.
594
00:31:52,388 --> 00:31:53,587
Did we win?
595
00:31:53,588 --> 00:31:55,827
Er...
Well, yes, in a manner of speaking.
596
00:31:55,828 --> 00:32:00,707
Still my, my, my, look at you!
597
00:32:00,708 --> 00:32:01,988
You look gorgeous, Julie!
598
00:32:02,188 --> 00:32:04,627
Don't.
It's just something I threw on.
599
00:32:04,628 --> 00:32:08,387
You look like the sugar plum fairy.
600
00:32:08,388 --> 00:32:09,828
Do you really mean that?
601
00:32:10,008 --> 00:32:12,548
Oh, Gavin,
this is the best party ever!
602
00:32:12,748 --> 00:32:16,068
Hmmm. I still feel like there's
something's missing.
603
00:32:16,268 --> 00:32:18,587
Oh, really?
604
00:32:18,588 --> 00:32:22,387
Something... right under your nose,
maybe?
605
00:32:22,388 --> 00:32:25,348
Yes, yes, you could say that.
606
00:32:27,608 --> 00:32:28,368
Won't be a mo.
607
00:32:34,948 --> 00:32:37,407
Andy, several years ago I made a
very big mistake
608
00:32:37,408 --> 00:32:40,368
and I'd to rectify that now...
609
00:32:40,568 --> 00:32:42,148
Check.
610
00:32:42,248 --> 00:32:43,828
Come on.
611
00:32:43,908 --> 00:32:46,948
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
612
00:32:47,128 --> 00:32:51,808
But the very next day
You gave it away
613
00:32:51,888 --> 00:32:56,148
This year
To save me from tears...
614
00:33:16,328 --> 00:33:19,048
Merry Christmas everybody!
615
00:33:21,428 --> 00:33:23,267
Ho! Ho! Ho!
616
00:33:23,268 --> 00:33:27,588
It's time to find out who's been
naughty or nice.
617
00:33:27,788 --> 00:33:31,268
Ah where's Ian? I've got one for
little Ian. Where is he?
618
00:33:31,388 --> 00:33:33,648
Wey! Look at that.
619
00:33:33,668 --> 00:33:35,248
Shat himself.
620
00:33:35,268 --> 00:33:37,427
Ooh, hello there, Santa!
Wondered where you were.
621
00:33:37,428 --> 00:33:39,088
Have you got me a present?
622
00:33:39,108 --> 00:33:41,008
Yeah, where's my present?
623
00:33:41,028 --> 00:33:44,208
Oh, I can't be arsed with this.
Just, just help yourselves.
624
00:33:45,988 --> 00:33:47,588
Best Santa ever.
625
00:33:49,028 --> 00:33:52,648
Sorry, S-Santa. Did you get my
letters?
626
00:33:52,708 --> 00:33:55,188
What? Leighton it's me. Andy.
627
00:33:57,068 --> 00:33:58,388
You're Santa?
628
00:34:03,908 --> 00:34:07,908
This came for you earlier.
Merry Christmas. Ta.
629
00:34:10,108 --> 00:34:13,788
Awww, no way. Beefy left this for
me?
630
00:34:13,828 --> 00:34:16,068
Awww, it's signed and everything.
631
00:34:16,168 --> 00:34:19,088
Awww. Legend, Botham, I always said.
632
00:34:19,108 --> 00:34:21,888
I heard you two nearly killed
each other earlier.
633
00:34:22,168 --> 00:34:25,028
Just harmless joshing
between a couple of mates
634
00:34:25,128 --> 00:34:26,787
who like a bit of rough and tumble.
635
00:34:26,788 --> 00:34:29,508
"To Andy. Fuck off. Sir Ian Botham."
636
00:34:31,428 --> 00:34:33,587
Harmless joshing.
637
00:34:33,588 --> 00:34:35,688
Merry Christmas, everybody!
638
00:34:41,408 --> 00:34:48,988
Santa baby slip a sable
Under the tree for me...
639
00:34:49,008 --> 00:34:50,068
Get them off!
640
00:34:50,988 --> 00:34:55,048
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby
641
00:34:55,108 --> 00:34:59,707
So hurry down the chimney
Tonight... Argh!
642
00:34:59,708 --> 00:35:01,988
Lords a-leaping!
Get 'em on!
643
00:35:02,188 --> 00:35:03,628
Don't look!
644
00:35:04,868 --> 00:35:08,248
I told her, "Show a bit of tit,"
but that was mental.
645
00:35:11,028 --> 00:35:13,188
Oh, Margaret?
What are you doing here?
646
00:35:14,968 --> 00:35:20,248
Well, I felt a bit cold,
so I thought, "I'll get me cardie."
647
00:35:23,648 --> 00:35:25,888
You alright, Julie, love?
648
00:35:25,988 --> 00:35:29,307
Oh, I've never been
so embarrassed in all my life.
649
00:35:29,308 --> 00:35:31,908
In front of the staff.
For all to see.
650
00:35:32,008 --> 00:35:35,428
Julie, you're a good egg - a good
egg.
651
00:35:35,488 --> 00:35:38,088
And you'll always be a good egg,
652
00:35:38,148 --> 00:35:39,907
and you're a pretty egg at that.
653
00:35:39,908 --> 00:35:41,987
Oh, that's kind of you, Margaret...
654
00:35:41,988 --> 00:35:45,208
But sometimes eggs just... crack.
655
00:35:46,628 --> 00:35:48,548
Right, y-yes.
656
00:35:48,748 --> 00:35:51,907
And, one day, he'll see what's
right under his nose,
657
00:35:51,908 --> 00:35:53,827
just like what my Alan did.
658
00:35:53,828 --> 00:35:57,567
Oh. Oh, thanks, Margaret.
659
00:35:57,568 --> 00:36:01,107
It'll be lonely this Christmas
660
00:36:02,540 --> 00:36:03,680
Lonely...
661
00:36:03,755 --> 00:36:06,695
Wine, m'lady?
Yes, thank you, sir.
662
00:36:06,782 --> 00:36:09,342
I dunno how much more of this
singing I can stand.
663
00:36:09,582 --> 00:36:12,281
Shall we take this somewhere else?
Yeah, go on, then.
664
00:36:12,282 --> 00:36:15,482
It'll be lonely this Christmas...
665
00:36:15,485 --> 00:36:17,585
Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
666
00:36:19,783 --> 00:36:22,902
I'm sorry about what
happened earlier, Gavin.
667
00:36:22,903 --> 00:36:25,463
You know, about my um... my assets.
668
00:36:25,540 --> 00:36:27,900
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that,
Julie.
669
00:36:27,974 --> 00:36:29,374
I suppose you got a good glimpse?
670
00:36:30,554 --> 00:36:34,334
Well, y-y-you have my word,
I averted my eyes in a flash.
671
00:36:34,434 --> 00:36:35,874
Oh, well.
672
00:36:35,934 --> 00:36:39,933
But I-I-I would like to say
thank you. Um...
673
00:36:39,934 --> 00:36:42,874
Thank you for all your hard work.
674
00:36:42,974 --> 00:36:45,354
I don't know what I'd do
without you.
675
00:36:45,574 --> 00:36:47,294
I'd die without you.
676
00:36:47,394 --> 00:36:49,154
Well, I'm sure you wouldn't.
677
00:36:50,754 --> 00:36:52,254
I love...
678
00:36:53,854 --> 00:36:55,454
I love...
679
00:36:58,814 --> 00:37:02,234
Twiglets.
Oh so do I, Julie.
680
00:37:02,314 --> 00:37:03,734
Merry Christmas, Gavin.
681
00:37:03,774 --> 00:37:05,614
Merry Christmas, Julie.
682
00:37:11,614 --> 00:37:15,934
No. No, Martin, I promise you it was
just, it was just a joke.
683
00:37:19,294 --> 00:37:21,374
Your wife's not back yet?
684
00:37:21,554 --> 00:37:25,014
No. No, of course I'll, I'll come
and help you look for her.
685
00:37:26,374 --> 00:37:31,714
I must be off. Sometimes, I could
ring Barry Hound's neck.
686
00:37:31,774 --> 00:37:33,014
Merry Christmas, Julie.
687
00:37:33,054 --> 00:37:36,234
I don't mind saying, mate,
you make a better Santa than me.
688
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:37,754
Oh, give over.
689
00:37:37,854 --> 00:37:39,734
No. You do, mate.
690
00:37:39,774 --> 00:37:41,694
Well, I suppose you did shit
yourself.
691
00:37:41,894 --> 00:37:43,594
Still, it's big of you to admit it.
692
00:37:43,794 --> 00:37:45,133
So, er, no hard feelings eh?
693
00:37:45,134 --> 00:37:47,253
Nah. Karaoke?
694
00:37:47,254 --> 00:37:49,294
"Born to be Wild?" Get it on.
695
00:37:55,334 --> 00:37:58,093
So, there's no chance of you and
Emma getting back together again?
696
00:37:58,094 --> 00:38:00,093
Not after the present she got me.
697
00:38:00,094 --> 00:38:03,354
Nothing quite says "Merry Christmas"
like divorce papers.
698
00:38:03,434 --> 00:38:06,713
Oh, I'm sorry, Kieran. That's rough.
699
00:38:06,714 --> 00:38:08,574
You don't deserve that.
Yep.
700
00:38:10,974 --> 00:38:13,054
You're beautiful. What?
701
00:38:13,254 --> 00:38:14,254
You're beautiful.
702
00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:16,234
Aww, Nev, you funny thing, you.
703
00:38:16,254 --> 00:38:20,234
You must have heard it a hundred
thousand times.
704
00:38:20,254 --> 00:38:23,214
No-one's ever said that to me
before.
705
00:38:24,674 --> 00:38:26,294
Do you want to come back to mine?
706
00:38:28,114 --> 00:38:29,474
Heavens above. Do you mean it?
707
00:38:29,534 --> 00:38:34,334
Yeah! I'm pretty pissed but...
I warn you, it'll be wild.
708
00:38:34,514 --> 00:38:37,634
Can you handle wild?
I can give it a ruddy good go.
709
00:38:41,834 --> 00:38:47,133
Good grief. Right, absolutely. Head
back to yours, flipping heck.
710
00:38:47,134 --> 00:38:50,974
Back to yours. No, definitely.
I'll... wait.
711
00:38:51,174 --> 00:38:53,634
I'll get my coat, freshen up.
712
00:38:53,674 --> 00:38:57,214
Don't be long. Meet me out front.
I can't believe this is happening.
713
00:39:06,014 --> 00:39:09,173
So, I'm 24, living with my mum,
714
00:39:09,174 --> 00:39:13,533
working on a supermarket meat
counter and soon to be divorced.
715
00:39:13,534 --> 00:39:15,213
I've messed up my life, haven't I?
716
00:39:15,214 --> 00:39:17,933
You haven't messed up your life,
you big drama queen.
717
00:39:17,934 --> 00:39:20,354
You'll be fine.
Why did I marry Emma?
718
00:39:20,414 --> 00:39:22,653
Cos you're an idiot?
719
00:39:22,654 --> 00:39:25,054
I used to like her. I just...
720
00:39:26,654 --> 00:39:27,674
I like someone else more.
721
00:39:30,334 --> 00:39:33,534
Are you sure you should be...? Yeah.
722
00:39:39,614 --> 00:39:40,653
Ahem. Shit.
723
00:39:40,654 --> 00:39:42,653
Neville!?
724
00:39:42,654 --> 00:39:45,314
Sorry. I, er, didn't mean to
interrupt. I was just, er,
725
00:39:45,354 --> 00:39:47,573
wondering if you've er...
726
00:39:47,574 --> 00:39:49,633
Well, it's a bit er, it's a bit
delicate.
727
00:39:49,634 --> 00:39:50,814
What is it, Nev?
728
00:39:50,994 --> 00:39:53,554
Kieran, can I have a word,
man to man.
729
00:39:55,334 --> 00:39:56,954
Do you have any rubber Johnnies?
730
00:39:58,674 --> 00:40:02,554
No, Neville, sorry, I don't have
any... rubber Johnnies.
731
00:40:02,654 --> 00:40:04,413
Nab some from behind the kiosk.
732
00:40:04,414 --> 00:40:07,094
I've not got the right change
that's why I'm... Oh, bloody hell.
733
00:40:08,514 --> 00:40:09,994
Keep the rest.
734
00:40:14,854 --> 00:40:19,214
Wow. You just bought Neville
condoms. Yep.
735
00:40:24,314 --> 00:40:27,134
So... we just...
736
00:40:27,314 --> 00:40:30,794
Yeah... A bit weird, wasn't it?
It wasn't weird.
737
00:40:30,814 --> 00:40:32,894
It was nice, you know?
738
00:40:34,494 --> 00:40:39,449
Just nice?
No, no... It was really nice.
739
00:40:41,106 --> 00:40:45,406
I'm dreaming of a White
Christmas
740
00:40:45,474 --> 00:40:53,173
Just like the ones I used to
know...
741
00:40:53,174 --> 00:40:56,953
Alright, see ya later. See ya later.
Bye.
742
00:40:56,954 --> 00:41:02,334
..and children listen...
743
00:41:02,534 --> 00:41:06,933
Hey, everyone, come and look -
it's snowing.
744
00:41:06,934 --> 00:41:08,833
Ding dong ding dong.
745
00:41:08,834 --> 00:41:12,573
Ha, got you! You gullible morons.
746
00:41:12,574 --> 00:41:17,974
I'm dreaming
of a White Christmas...
747
00:41:18,014 --> 00:41:19,454
Come on, everybody.
748
00:41:19,634 --> 00:41:23,054
With every Christmas card
I write...
749
00:41:25,994 --> 00:41:29,633
Who you waiting for, Linda?
Er... no-one.
750
00:41:29,634 --> 00:41:31,814
Watch it.
Anyone wanna go to a club?
751
00:41:31,874 --> 00:41:34,653
What do you reckon?
Yeah, why not? It could be fun.
752
00:41:34,654 --> 00:41:36,574
Count us in. You two, do you wanna
go clubbing?
753
00:41:36,754 --> 00:41:37,834
Which club?
754
00:41:37,854 --> 00:41:40,254
Tinker's. Yes,
they've got a grime night on.
755
00:41:40,454 --> 00:41:42,154
Oh, no, I don't like grime at all.
756
00:41:42,174 --> 00:41:44,673
Think I'll pass as well, kids.
First cab's here.
757
00:41:44,674 --> 00:41:46,974
Come on, people,
some of us want to get home.
758
00:41:47,174 --> 00:41:49,133
Oh, shit.
759
00:41:49,134 --> 00:41:51,774
It's Emma. I better get this.
760
00:41:53,854 --> 00:41:55,374
You alright?
761
00:41:55,454 --> 00:41:56,693
You coming, Katie?
762
00:41:56,694 --> 00:41:58,873
It's alright. I'll wait for Kieran.
763
00:41:58,874 --> 00:42:01,273
Two more cabs. Is everyone here?
764
00:42:01,274 --> 00:42:05,754
Still holding the teat,
put the condom on top of the penis,
765
00:42:05,834 --> 00:42:09,034
roll down with your other hand.
Got it.
766
00:42:09,054 --> 00:42:11,613
This is it. This is actually
happening.
767
00:42:11,614 --> 00:42:14,433
Oh, God. The little shit!
You what!?
768
00:42:14,434 --> 00:42:15,994
My waters - they just broke.
769
00:42:16,074 --> 00:42:19,033
Typical! He's coming
out on bloody Christmas Day.
770
00:42:19,034 --> 00:42:20,094
You little bastard!
771
00:42:20,274 --> 00:42:22,194
Oh, my God.
Like, baby Jesus is coming now?
772
00:42:22,214 --> 00:42:24,634
Right. Nobody panic,
I just need loads of hot water.
773
00:42:24,714 --> 00:42:25,913
I'm not having it here.
774
00:42:25,914 --> 00:42:28,234
Ian, change of plan,
this one's going to the hospital.
775
00:42:28,254 --> 00:42:30,453
Right. Don't worry.
Come on, I'll come with you.
776
00:42:30,454 --> 00:42:33,374
I told you. I knew I'd end up
having it Christmas day.
777
00:42:33,554 --> 00:42:34,553
Frigging typical.
778
00:42:34,554 --> 00:42:37,674
A-are you going to get the last
taxi, Katie?
779
00:42:38,974 --> 00:42:42,393
It's alright, I'll walk home.
Merry Christmas.
780
00:42:42,394 --> 00:42:46,774
Yes. You too, Katie. Right, Ian,
come on, let's lock it down.
781
00:42:46,814 --> 00:42:49,653
Nothing can go wrong now.
782
00:42:49,654 --> 00:42:52,894
Merry Christmas, Neville.
Merry Christmas.
783
00:42:56,254 --> 00:42:59,294
Where's Katie?
She's gone home, so's everyone else.
784
00:42:59,474 --> 00:43:02,013
But for some reason I'm still
here talking to you.
785
00:43:02,014 --> 00:43:03,854
She's gone home? Yes.
786
00:43:05,274 --> 00:43:07,093
Oh.
787
00:43:07,094 --> 00:43:08,314
At last.
788
00:43:11,774 --> 00:43:14,834
You coming Julie?
Yeah, yeah, just a minute.
789
00:43:18,914 --> 00:43:21,374
Merry Christmas, Valco.
790
00:43:26,494 --> 00:43:27,554
Hello?
791
00:43:29,314 --> 00:43:30,714
Anybody.
792
00:43:31,614 --> 00:43:33,373
Hello...
793
00:43:33,374 --> 00:43:35,314
Oh, bollocks.
794
00:43:35,364 --> 00:43:39,914
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