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1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:01,743
I'm quite nervous.
You can't beat our prices.
2
00:00:01,744 --> 00:00:05,504
Just stop that now.
If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it meself.
3
00:00:05,584 --> 00:00:08,664
Red hot deals. We've got offers on
everything, from booze to biscuits.
4
00:00:08,744 --> 00:00:10,424
Loads of two for ones.
5
00:00:10,504 --> 00:00:12,264
Service with a smile.
6
00:00:12,344 --> 00:00:14,184
We have fresh produce.
Grown locally.
7
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:15,944
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
8
00:00:16,024 --> 00:00:19,024
Am I getting paid for this?
Valco... I wasn't ready. When are you ready?
9
00:00:19,104 --> 00:00:23,384
- Valco serves you right.
- Valco, serves you right.
10
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,640
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
11
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,680
Oh for God's sake! Late night?
12
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,400
Oh, only a Blu-ray marathon.
13
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:53,760
Get this - Predator, Predator 2,
Alien vs Predator,
14
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,800
and then Predators.
15
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,280
Living the dream.
16
00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,400
It certainly GAVE me some dreams.
About Predators. You should try it.
17
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,600
Yeah, I'm not sure Emma would be
up for that somehow.
18
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,720
Oh, I guess she prefers films where
Jennifer Aniston gets married.
19
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,640
She just don't like films.
20
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,120
I caught her checking her phone
during Batman.
21
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,800
Oh! Checking her phone?
During The Dark Knight Rises?
22
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,040
Bloody hell,
I hope she's a good shag.
23
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,680
Morning, Margaret.
Everything all right?
24
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,240
Oh, hang on to your hat, Kieron,
all sorts is about to happen.
25
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,040
Sounds ominous.
26
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,760
It is omnibus.
It's my annual unlucky day.
27
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,960
When everything always goes
up the spout.
28
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:45,160
Your annual unlucky day?
Why, what happened last year?
29
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,520
Oh don't ask.
30
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:47,840
All right, I won't.
31
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,480
I burnt Alan's breakfast
and then I dropped a carriage clock!
32
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,800
Good morning, Lorraine! Good
morning, Gavin.
33
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,560
Full of energy as usual.
34
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,960
Like one of them Duracell rabbits
banging his cymbals.
35
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,720
I've said it before and I'll say it
again. Cod liver oil tablets.
36
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,480
I don't believe in any of that
shite.
37
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,280
The only supplements I take are salt
and pepper.
38
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:23,240
Speaking of flavourings, the sales
figures for the No Nonsense
39
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,120
range could use a little spicing up.
40
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,320
They'll pick up, Gavin.
41
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,240
The bastards round here just don't
know what's good for them.
42
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,000
No Nonsense Range Sausage Dinner
certainly isn't good for them.
43
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,640
I tried one last night. Gave me
a very unwanted tummy ache.
44
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,960
Would you mind telling me
why you're here?
45
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:39,880
I'll tell you why I'm here,
Lorraine.
46
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:44,960
It pains me to say it, but this
branch of Valco is a wounded lion.
47
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,760
Maybe that's because I got saddled
with loony Julie for a deputy.
48
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,920
Yes, well you were really
rather hard on her.
49
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,360
And as a result I've decided to
spend a bit more time here,
50
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:56,520
keep an eye on things.
51
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,960
Well, you're more than welcome to
cast your eyes
52
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,480
on those stock
figures because they don't add up.
53
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,960
It is as clear as nun's piss the
staff are on the take.
54
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:06,960
On the take?
55
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,600
No, every store has
a bit of stock going AWOL,
56
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,040
it's part of life's mysteries.
57
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,640
The only mystery is why you didn't
do anything about it.
58
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,840
Which I fully intend to. Today.
59
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,200
What are you suggesting?
Making everyone turn out their pockets?
60
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:27,560
We are perfectly entitled, I checked
the rule book in the khazi.
61
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,480
All we need is two members of staff.
62
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,440
One-two.
63
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,320
Flames on fire.
64
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,440
I'm sorry mate,
we can't give you a refund.
65
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,320
You've already written
'Happy Birthday Terry' in it.
66
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,600
Geez, you don't have to be mad
to work here but it helps.
67
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,200
Didn't help Julie, did it?
68
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,240
Ahh, let's not
talk about her behind her back.
69
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,200
So has she completely lost
her marbles?
70
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,200
That's what I heard. Just gone mad.
71
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,880
I tell you what... My Uncle Pete
went mad once. In a pub.
72
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,480
Really, what happened to him?
73
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,640
Landlord just gave him
a good kicking. He were fine after that.
74
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,320
Is this your boyfriend, Katie?
75
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,040
Bloody hell, what nursery did you
steal him from?
76
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:09,840
Yeah, this is Stu. Hi, y'alright.
77
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:10,880
Hiya.
78
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,040
God, I had a job in customer
services once.
79
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,400
Hard plastering a smile on your face
all day, isn't it?
80
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:16,920
Yeah, we don't tend to bother.
81
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,400
So the shaving foam's over there.
82
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,160
Do you mind if I leave you to it,
I'd better go to the kiosk.
83
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,200
You don't need to start
shaving yet do you?
84
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:24,640
Wait til you're old enough.
85
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,040
Oh leave him alone, Sue.
86
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960
Oh. So I'll see you later then.
Cool beans.
87
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,200
Yeah, cool... beans.
88
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,520
Ah, puppy love.
89
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,280
I've seen happier
puppies in the RSPCA adverts.
90
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,200
And there's the risk of lawsuits.
91
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,480
The paperwork, it could be 12ft
high.
92
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,240
You're too soft round the ears,
Gavin.
93
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,440
We have to be firm with staff,
not tickle their arseholes.
94
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,720
You know, Lorraine, you really
should watch your language on the shop floor.
95
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,680
People will think
they're on a building site.
96
00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,760
Well, gosh.
97
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,600
I'd better bite my tongue.
98
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:07,960
Oi you, you lummox.
99
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,840
You're not at the Early Learning
Centre now.
100
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,560
Plonk those down and follow us.
101
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,680
Where are we going?
102
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,920
Well, I'm going to crack
a few heads today
103
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,720
and I might as well start
with yours.
104
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,680
Not that I'm expecting to find
anything inside.
105
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,600
Don't worry Leighton, it's just
a routine check, that's all.
106
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,280
Is it about the nits?
I promise I haven't got nits.
107
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,440
I even wash my hair in vinegar just
to make sure.
108
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,920
Don't worry. Oh and Leighton,
between you and me,
109
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,360
never plonk, always place.
110
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:36,920
Oh yeah, just like you told me.
111
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,440
Morning, Victor. How are we today?
112
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,200
Oh, not three bad. Lovely day.
113
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:48,280
Yes, yes,
nice not to have rain for a change.
114
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,720
Oh yes. I'm not a fan of rain, Andy.
115
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,320
Have I ever told you about my days as
a prisoner of war?
116
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,160
Yes, yes, you have, yes.
It rained every day...
117
00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,480
For 300 days.
118
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,040
Yeah you did mention it.
Bit busy at the moment, mate.
119
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,560
Well, that's it, I mean if you'd ever
seen action, Andy, you'd understand.
120
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,120
Oh, I've seen action, mate.
121
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,520
I didn't know that. What was it?
Falklands, was it?
122
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,640
St Helene, 1998. Me
and Sonic Ken trapped in a bunker.
123
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,880
Took a paintball right to the ear.
124
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,680
Yeah,
that sounds just like World War II.
125
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:23,160
I'm not sure a paintball's the same
as the real fog of war, Andy.
126
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,280
I've experienced the fog of war.
127
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,160
Me goggles misted up,
I nearly ran to the wrong base.
128
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,520
So, this is the Batcave, is it?
129
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,440
I prefer to call it
'Leighton's Locker'.
130
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,640
Well, I think we can presume that
none of this has come off the shop floor.
131
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,520
Actually, Gavin, some of it has
come off the shop floor. Told you so.
132
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,280
Shine a bright light on a rat
and he'll soon start squealing.
133
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,240
This tangerine net
came off the shop floor.
134
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,920
And I was going to put it in the bin
but it's perfect for my collection of powerballs.
135
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:58,400
What's that at the back? That is
a Valco tin.
136
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:02,800
This is the last tin of Spaghetti
Faces. It's a collector's item.
137
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,640
Ha, well I never.
138
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,200
I haven't seen
one of these for three years.
139
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,840
And how do we know you
didn't pinch it?
140
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,080
I kept the receipt. March 2009.
141
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,560
I'm glad you did,
I love these old receipts.
142
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,600
The ink threads back then were
much more stable, look.
143
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,760
This is my favourite paper too.
Great horoscopes.
144
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,880
I'm always hoping mine will say,
145
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,040
'You've got the kids for the whole
half term.'
146
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,520
Cheerio!
147
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,080
Oh I do,
I love interacting with the public.
148
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,560
I'm not sure about interacting
with this one.
149
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,240
Hey, I'm not public, I'm a friend.
150
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,000
Funny thing friendship, isn't it?
151
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,840
You know I had a friend at school,
Gary Nichols
152
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,920
every day he would give me a dead
arm.
153
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,440
Still tender, even now.
154
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,160
What's it all for, eh?
155
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,880
This is a staff announcement.
156
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,480
Could Kieran go to the staff
locker rooms, please. What now?
157
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,600
See ya, friend.
158
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:05,240
Then, I thought I'd try one of them
electric toothbrushes, but my
159
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,600
goodness it was like brushing
your teeth with a bumble bee.
160
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,040
So then I tried...
161
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,600
You all right on there, Margaret?
162
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,240
Oh I'm fine thanks, Andy.
163
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,160
I've just served somebody that pate
that looks a bit like sick.
164
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,360
Hello there, Margaret. Lovely day.
165
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,280
Oh, not for me, Vic, it's not. It's
my unlucky day.
166
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,800
You might as well just call me
'unlucky day Margaret'.
167
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,000
I tell you the unluckiest day
I ever had.
168
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,280
It was when I was stationed
out in Egypt...
169
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,960
Can I help you my love?
170
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,840
Oh don't you worry,
Andy, I'll get this.
171
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,880
How can I help you, love?
Where was I?
172
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,640
You were saying you had to
get off home.
173
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,400
You're a funny Charlie, Andy,
you really are.
174
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,560
Now then, Egypt.
175
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,280
Oh, talk about a lot of sand...
176
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,280
You know, this seems like it might
be oh, what's the word... illegal?
177
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,960
Just take your top off. Who knows
what you've got stuck under there.
178
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,360
Ring the bells.
179
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,320
Lorraine, you're going to get us
both into boiling hot water here.
180
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,960
And this really isn't doing my tummy
ache any good either.
181
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,320
Oh for the love of God, Gavin, I've
known bigger balls on a church mouse.
182
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,160
Go on, hotshot,
empty your pockets.
183
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,880
I think this has gone far enough.
184
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,600
We're all going to end
up in Alcatraz at this rate.
185
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:22,320
Kieran I'm really sorry. Please,
please don't take any of fence.
186
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,800
Some taken.
187
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,800
I don't know how you've done this in
the past, Lorraine, but as a
188
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:33,200
general rule branch managers are not
allowed to disrobe members of staff.
189
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,520
We'll see about that.
I've only just got started.
190
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,400
And your receipt, thank you. Have you
heard about the locker searches?
191
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,880
Yeah, like there's anything in this
place worth nicking.
192
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,920
Hey, I bet they find all kinds
of weird shit in people's pockets.
193
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,520
Yeah, I can imagine.
Embarrassing stuff.
194
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:57,640
Yeah, the type of stuff you'd have a
really hard time explaining.
195
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,520
Ooh, what's the joke?
I do love a good joke!
196
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,840
Would you mind looking after
the kiosk a sec, Neville.
197
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,720
There's
something we need to take care of.
198
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,160
Ahh, good old jokes.
199
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:20,100
You don't see me yakking all day.
Daft old codger.
200
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:24,460
What you should do is tell Vic that
Lorraine doesn't want him
201
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:27,420
hanging around any more.
And that way, you can't be blamed.
202
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,740
Oh, you big bloody genius.
203
00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:31,300
All right, steady on.
204
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:35,780
Sorry about that, Neville.
Any problems?
205
00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:36,980
No, no, not at all.
206
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:41,060
Although a customer did point out my
flies were open. Bit embarrassing.
207
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,940
Andy's about to do something much
more embarrassing than that.
208
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,820
Stu? How is your toyboy?
209
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:53,940
He's not my toyboy! Besides,
what's wrong with looking young?
210
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,860
Just cos YOU wear slippers, don't
mean we all have to.
211
00:10:56,940 --> 00:11:00,220
I don't wear slippers!
Except when I'm smoking my pipe.
212
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,500
He does get asked for ID
at the pub actually...
213
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:05,060
Well we can't all be grown ups like
me.
214
00:11:05,140 --> 00:11:07,860
Oh yeah, how is the house
hunting going?
215
00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:12,500
Don't ask. So you seeing him later?
216
00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:14,860
He wants to go see a film, but I
can't be arsed.
217
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:16,700
When did girls stop
liking films?
218
00:11:16,780 --> 00:11:18,620
I've seen him
every night this week...
219
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:21,020
And, of course girls like films,
you idiot.
220
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:24,660
Emma doesn't. Oh.
221
00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:26,260
I like going to the cinema.
222
00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:28,580
I can't afford to see
any films these days,
223
00:11:28,660 --> 00:11:33,820
but it's nice just looking at the
posters. Being warm.
224
00:11:35,660 --> 00:11:37,980
This is a staff announcement.
225
00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:40,180
Could Andy go to the
staff locker rooms please.
226
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:42,540
Like maybe do like a little dance
with it, or something.
227
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,820
This is a breach of my human rights.
228
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:50,300
Gandhi would have a fit
if he could see this.
229
00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:52,780
Gandhi's not here, and if he were,
I'd search him an'all.
230
00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:56,500
Dirty beggar.
Now empty your pockets.
231
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:59,540
Lorraine, Andy is one of our
longest serving members of staff.
232
00:11:59,620 --> 00:12:03,620
He's not going to destroy a glorious
career just to pinch a few pork pies.
233
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:08,140
No, no, no, let the little
commandant have her game, Gavin.
234
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:09,740
I have got nothing to hide.
235
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:20,660
That is not mine. I swear!
236
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,820
Like to carry around a photo of me
with you, do you?
237
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,820
That's from the staff gallery!
238
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:31,220
Andy, that's, that's high
grade gloss from Snappy Snaps
239
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,260
it's creased!
240
00:12:34,740 --> 00:12:37,980
Are those...
Are those women's underpants?
241
00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:42,980
I do not carry around a photograph
of you, or these lacy knickers.
242
00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:47,820
Looks like your Valco family is full
of perverts as well as thieves.
243
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:50,620
Sorry to interrupt, but there's
something I need... Out!
244
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,220
Just calm down, right!
245
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:56,260
Now obviously Andy hasn't
stolen anything,
246
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,740
it's just a bit of harmless
high jinx amongst the staff.
247
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:02,980
High jinx? I tell you, Gavin.
You are beginning to get my goat.
248
00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:06,980
Am I?
Well maybe I've got a goat too.
249
00:13:07,060 --> 00:13:09,180
And I think maybe you're
getting mine.
250
00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:13,300
Could Colin go
to the locker rooms please.
251
00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:17,180
But that's what I'm saying,
Margaret. You didn't get searched, so that was actually lucky.
252
00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:18,340
I suppose you're right.
253
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:23,140
So, basically, nothing unlucky's
happened, has it? I think your curse may have finally gone away.
254
00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:25,580
Oh do you think so?
Oh after all these years!
255
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:27,500
Freedom at last!
256
00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:30,460
Two words. Really immature.
257
00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:32,460
Don't know what you're
talking about, mate.
258
00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:35,420
You can't keep setting me up
like that, people will think I'm a weirdo.
259
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:37,180
All right keep your knickers on.
260
00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:38,780
You're pathetic, the pair of you.
261
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,180
I'm sorry,
Andy, I don't mean to laugh but...
262
00:13:41,260 --> 00:13:42,820
ha ha ha ha!
263
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:49,260
Have you seen how many apples
there are in the fruit counter?
264
00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:52,540
In my day you just had your Granny
Smiths, your Coxes, and your cookers.
265
00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:54,700
Listen Vic. I'm sorry to say it,
266
00:13:54,780 --> 00:13:57,100
but the boss says you can't
hang around here any more.
267
00:13:57,180 --> 00:14:00,340
You're disturbing the staff.
Oh...? Oh dear.
268
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:06,500
Guess when you're my age,
you tend to get in everybody's way.
269
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:09,500
Don't feel bad. Maybe we could go
for a drink sometime?
270
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:13,060
Well that went well.
Shut your hole.
271
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,980
If you're going to search my arse
you'd better have a strong
272
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:20,020
pair of gloves.
273
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,300
Listen, I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry, Colin.
274
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:26,100
I know that you wouldn't dream
of stealing Valco products but...
275
00:14:26,180 --> 00:14:27,540
Gavin! Are you kidding me?
276
00:14:27,620 --> 00:14:30,660
Thieving little shites like him
have been getting away with blue murder.
277
00:14:30,740 --> 00:14:32,140
I have to stop you there Lorraine.
278
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:35,900
I'm going to have to put my foot
on the brakes here, I really am.
279
00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:41,420
So, can I get off? No. Yes. Thank
you, Colin, that'll be all.
280
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,100
Gavin.
281
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,500
I am manager here.
282
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:55,660
Yes, well. I am area manager here.
283
00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:59,180
And the whole of the north west.
Including the Pennines.
284
00:14:59,260 --> 00:15:03,420
If you've got something to say to
me, come on, spit it out.
285
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:04,740
I will spit it out.
286
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,460
I am beginning to doubt your
your suitability as a manager.
287
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,980
Are you bleeding serious?
288
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:10,940
I'm as serious as a disease.
289
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:13,020
Now the No Nonsense push was
a disaster,
290
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:17,780
and you fired loyal members of staff
without due process,
291
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:19,580
and you bullied your deputy...
292
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:25,180
No, I'm sorry, no,
you're a thorn in Valco's paw.
293
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:37,820
All right.
294
00:15:37,900 --> 00:15:42,220
You just get searched, yeah?
I had a Twix down me knickers.
295
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,940
Saved half for you if you want it?
296
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:46,260
Do you know that baker
twat from earlier? Mmm.
297
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:48,340
Are you shagging him?
Shagging him? Yeah.
298
00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:49,980
Who do you think I am?
299
00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:52,140
Oh, OK.
300
00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,140
Nah, it's just
I was being a bit of a dick.
301
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,300
It's just handjobs.
302
00:15:57,460 --> 00:16:02,020
You what? What does it matter? It's
not like I'm your girlfriend is it?
303
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:04,100
Oh God, did you think
I was your girlfriend?
304
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,140
When did I
ever give you that impression?
305
00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:07,700
When we were nobbing.
306
00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:09,180
Oh you should listen to yourself,
307
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,620
you sound like something
out of a frigging Disney film.
308
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:15,300
Have you finished? Yeah, I have.
I've finished with you, you pansy.
309
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:29,340
Oh that's fantastic work, Leighton.
Really, just tip-top presentation.
310
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:32,180
Makes me feel like I want to buy
every single item.
311
00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:35,420
I've always wondered. How much would
it cost to buy everything in Valco?
312
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:39,620
That's a very good question,
I've often wondered that myself.
313
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,300
If I was to hazard a guess...
Hello Lorraine.
314
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:46,020
Don't hello me. If I'd had my way
you'd be signing on.
315
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:48,500
If you knew how
to use a pen that is.
316
00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:50,700
Well, at this rate,
you might be joining him.
317
00:16:50,780 --> 00:16:52,500
Will you get off your high horse!
318
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:54,580
I'm not on a high horse!
319
00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:56,780
Can we keep it down, the customers
might hear.
320
00:16:56,860 --> 00:17:00,700
Good! Maybe they'll wake up and
realise that this place is a dump!
321
00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:06,180
Enemy engaged at 2 o'clock! You what?
322
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:08,140
Major skirmish! At 2 o'clock!
323
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:11,020
It's half past four. Just come and
see this.
324
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,860
And I'll tell you another thing!
325
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:16,420
Your Valco family is just
a big heap of shite.
326
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:21,660
Lorraine, if this was a frozen pond
you'd be treading on very thin ice.
327
00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:24,220
The staff don't
know their mouths from their arses
328
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:27,420
and the deputy is stark raving mad!
329
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:30,700
This might be the wrong time, but I
found a courgette in the aubergines.
330
00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:33,100
And you are a big part
of the problem, you lanky muppet.
331
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:34,140
Now hang on a minute,
332
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:37,820
Leighton is one of our hardest
working members of staff...
333
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:39,620
Nobody works hard in this place!
334
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:43,740
This whole shed is nothing but a
shit load of lazy bastards.
335
00:17:43,820 --> 00:17:46,020
Just look at them all.
336
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:49,220
A pervert butcher with
mince for brains.
337
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:52,980
Oi!
That is an outrageous thing to say!
338
00:17:53,060 --> 00:17:56,260
If there was a hit parade for
butchers, Andy would be in the top ten!
339
00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:57,900
You would.
340
00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:00,820
A till girl, who scares the
shoppers off.
341
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:02,860
Lisa has the grace of a swan!
342
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,060
And there's your tealeaf.
343
00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:09,940
Pockets bulging with nicked
property.
344
00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:13,260
Oh, and you are too scared to
do anything about it.
345
00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:15,980
Colin is more trustworthy than
Mitsubishi!
346
00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:18,060
Now, if you don't like our Valco
family,
347
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,900
I've a very strong
suggestion as to what you should do.
348
00:18:22,340 --> 00:18:24,140
Have you?
349
00:18:24,220 --> 00:18:27,820
Well, let me hear it!
350
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:35,660
You can tender your resignation
at Head Office in occurrence with policy 54a-56d,
351
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,460
and I shall follow it up with a
phone call to them in the morning.
352
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:45,140
Now, I think you know how to
head through the front doors without them jamming.
353
00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:48,860
Fine. Consider me disowning every
single one
354
00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:51,340
of your sodding Valco family.
355
00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:59,980
And I'll tell you how you could
fix your darling deputy, Julie,
356
00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:03,380
rather than mollycoddling her
like some wounded bird,
357
00:19:03,460 --> 00:19:05,500
you should
bend her over the tills
358
00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:07,820
and give her a bloody
good seeing to!
359
00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:14,940
"We'd like to announce to
our customers,
360
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:18,540
"that Lorraine Chain has
stepped down as Store Manager.
361
00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:22,300
"Thank you for working at Valco!"
362
00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:27,180
For he's a jolly good fellow,
363
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:30,820
For he's a jolly good fellow.
364
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:32,620
Andy! Mind my lower lumbers!
365
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:33,980
Oh sorry, sorry.
366
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:38,460
I'm very sorry that you,
you all had to witness that.
367
00:19:38,540 --> 00:19:41,180
She really was rather frightening,
wasn't she?
368
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:44,140
I'll you what though, I
think my tummy ache's gone.
369
00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:05,220
Bless me, I've never seen
so many fireworks.
370
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:07,260
Mark it down in your diaries.
371
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:11,300
The 14th is the day brave St.
Gavin finally defeated the dragon.
372
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:15,820
The 14th? Well, that's why nothing
unlucky has happened!
373
00:20:15,900 --> 00:20:20,460
Well, the 15th is my unlucky day.
Oh stone the crows,
374
00:20:20,540 --> 00:20:23,180
I'll have to go
through all this again tomorrow.
375
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:24,980
So will we!
376
00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:27,020
Hey, that was a right old barney.
377
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:30,100
I was just on my way out
when I heard all the commotion.
378
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:33,260
Well now she's gone we can
talk all we want.
379
00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:37,820
How about we celebrate with
that drink you mentioned, Andy?
380
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:39,100
A drink? Tonight?
381
00:20:39,180 --> 00:20:40,940
You did say you'd take me
for a drink.
382
00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:44,620
It's true. You did say. But, but I'm
doing the pub quiz tonight...
383
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:46,060
Good show!
384
00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:49,780
I love a pub quiz
I usually know all the answers.
385
00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:51,660
I'll see you outside then, Andy.
386
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:54,340
Have a good one, mate.
387
00:21:06,940 --> 00:21:09,020
The best day at work ever? Top five?
388
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:11,780
I actually thought Lorraine was
going to knock Gavin's head off.
389
00:21:11,860 --> 00:21:15,220
If you weren't off to the cinema
with Peter Pan, I'd suggest a celebratory pint.
390
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,060
I blew him out.
Said I don't like films.
391
00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:19,140
Oh, right. So... Fancy a pint?
392
00:21:19,220 --> 00:21:20,580
Yeah, yeah I do.
393
00:21:32,420 --> 00:21:33,620
Here we are then.
394
00:21:33,670 --> 00:21:38,220
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