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1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:01,799
I'm quite nervous.
You can't beat our prices.
2
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:02,920
Just stop that now.
3
00:00:02,929 --> 00:00:05,549
If you can get it anywhere cheaper,
I'll come round and cook it myself.
4
00:00:05,566 --> 00:00:06,566
Red hot deals.
5
00:00:06,646 --> 00:00:08,966
We've got offers on everything from
booze to biscuits.
6
00:00:09,046 --> 00:00:10,086
Loads of two for ones.
7
00:00:10,166 --> 00:00:12,126
Service with a smile.
8
00:00:12,206 --> 00:00:14,246
We have fresh produce.
Grown locally.
9
00:00:14,326 --> 00:00:15,966
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
10
00:00:16,046 --> 00:00:18,246
Am I getting paid for this?
Valco. I wasn't ready.
11
00:00:19,366 --> 00:00:20,726
Valco - serves you right.
12
00:00:20,806 --> 00:00:23,606
Valco - serves you right.
13
00:00:27,366 --> 00:00:29,486
You want to get something for that
sniff of yours.
14
00:00:29,566 --> 00:00:32,486
Like a kick up the arse.
I've told you, I've got the flu!
15
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:36,006
Influenza is a viral infection
characterised by fever,
16
00:00:36,086 --> 00:00:37,886
muscle pain and coughing.
17
00:00:37,966 --> 00:00:41,846
You, on the other hand, have every
symptom of being a work-shy pansy.
18
00:00:41,926 --> 00:00:43,526
What are you now, a doctor?
19
00:00:43,606 --> 00:00:46,846
Eh, I could be. A good butcher is
an expert in anatomy.
20
00:00:46,926 --> 00:00:50,166
I'd actually be qualified to
perform certain operations.
21
00:00:50,246 --> 00:00:51,246
You know appendix.
22
00:00:51,326 --> 00:00:54,206
Tonsils. Minor organ transplants.
23
00:00:54,286 --> 00:00:56,246
Well you can keep your minor
organ away from me.
24
00:00:56,326 --> 00:00:58,486
I'll take your temperature
if you like. Bend over.
25
00:00:59,886 --> 00:01:03,486
Oh, I bet Emma made you come in,
didn't she to impress the new boss?
26
00:01:03,566 --> 00:01:07,766
Margaret! Oh wasn't I supposed to
say anything, love? Oh I'm sorry.
27
00:01:07,846 --> 00:01:09,726
Me and my mouth -
we're a right pair.
28
00:01:11,886 --> 00:01:15,606
So we're missing Brenda, Kelly B,
Kelly D, Kelly H, Christine
29
00:01:15,686 --> 00:01:18,926
and Sue - plus the others
still off sick from yesterday.
30
00:01:19,006 --> 00:01:22,486
What are people made
out of these days? Feathers?
31
00:01:22,566 --> 00:01:26,126
I've had bronchitis, hepatitis,
two bouts of scarlet fever
32
00:01:26,206 --> 00:01:28,926
and I've never missed a day's
work in my life. Same here.
33
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,846
I delayed having my tonsils out just
34
00:01:30,926 --> 00:01:32,566
so I could go to my sister's
wedding.
35
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,566
Anyway, I fear we have a major
36
00:01:35,646 --> 00:01:37,326
staffing crisis on our
hands, Lorraine.
37
00:01:37,406 --> 00:01:40,366
Let me stop you there. Not a crisis.
An opportunity.
38
00:01:41,766 --> 00:01:44,246
Right. And do you know why it's an
opportunity, Julie?
39
00:01:44,326 --> 00:01:45,286
Absolutely.
40
00:01:54,166 --> 00:01:55,966
Opportunity?
Good girl.
41
00:01:58,046 --> 00:02:00,406
You won't be so full of yourself
when you catch this.
42
00:02:00,486 --> 00:02:03,246
Never gonna happen, mate.
This body is a fortress.
43
00:02:03,326 --> 00:02:05,726
People call me the Fluminator.
44
00:02:05,806 --> 00:02:09,206
Name one person that calls you
the Fluminator. Apart from you.
45
00:02:11,086 --> 00:02:14,006
You know what people used to
do in my day when they got flu?
46
00:02:14,086 --> 00:02:15,046
What? Die.
47
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:24,006
That's a very unusual tune
you're humming there, Neville.
48
00:02:24,086 --> 00:02:25,446
It's very loud.
49
00:02:25,526 --> 00:02:26,846
And tuneless.
50
00:02:26,926 --> 00:02:30,086
Ah, well you see, that's because I'm
in a really good mood today, Katie.
51
00:02:30,166 --> 00:02:32,566
It's my daughter's
birthday party later
52
00:02:32,646 --> 00:02:35,366
and Mum's solicitor said
I can actually go this time.
53
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:38,046
That'll be nice. As long as I don't
crash the car again.
54
00:02:39,286 --> 00:02:41,406
Won't forget that
birthday in a hurry.
55
00:02:41,486 --> 00:02:43,806
Ooh, not got the dreaded
lurgy have you?
56
00:02:45,486 --> 00:02:46,966
No, it's fresher's week.
57
00:02:47,046 --> 00:02:49,806
I tell you, I do not like doing
tequila shots, urgh.
58
00:02:49,886 --> 00:02:53,366
Oh, me neither. I did about ten
once, one after the other.
59
00:02:53,446 --> 00:02:55,406
I'm amazed I woke up, I really was!
60
00:02:55,486 --> 00:02:57,526
Wow, sounds like your uni days
were full-on then?
61
00:02:57,606 --> 00:03:01,366
Oh, that wasn't at uni,
that was six months ago.
62
00:03:01,446 --> 00:03:03,206
Bit of a dark day.
63
00:03:03,286 --> 00:03:05,246
Still, got through it!
64
00:03:05,326 --> 00:03:06,286
All in one piece!
65
00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:10,846
Good to see some healthy souls.
Actually Lorraine, Kieran was just
66
00:03:10,926 --> 00:03:13,526
saying he felt like shite
and wished he'd stayed at home.
67
00:03:13,606 --> 00:03:16,246
You can go and lie down in my office
if you like, Kieran love.
68
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:17,286
I'll nurse you.
69
00:03:18,326 --> 00:03:19,686
I'm fine!
70
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:21,766
If you're not well you
shouldn't have come in.
71
00:03:21,846 --> 00:03:24,446
You could infect the customers.
Or the staff.
72
00:03:24,526 --> 00:03:25,486
Or me!
73
00:03:26,726 --> 00:03:29,646
Now, as you may be aware
we have a crisis on our hands.
74
00:03:31,766 --> 00:03:34,366
An opportunity on our hands.
75
00:03:34,446 --> 00:03:38,206
We need extra cover around the store
and this is your chance to
76
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:41,326
dazzle us by showing the other
strings to your bow!
77
00:03:45,206 --> 00:03:47,966
Margaret, we'd like you to
go on Customer Services.
78
00:03:48,046 --> 00:03:49,566
What! Front of house?
79
00:03:51,006 --> 00:03:52,846
Ooh I'll go and put my lippy on.
80
00:03:52,926 --> 00:03:54,886
Andy,
we'd like you to go on the Deli,
81
00:03:54,966 --> 00:03:56,926
and Kieran,
you'll be staying on meat counter.
82
00:03:57,006 --> 00:03:58,726
Sounds like an exciting opportunity.
83
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,846
Hang on hang on,
I am a trained craftsman.
84
00:04:01,926 --> 00:04:04,526
Asking me to work on the Deli
Counter would be like asking
85
00:04:04,606 --> 00:04:06,406
a brain surgeon to...
86
00:04:06,486 --> 00:04:07,846
work on the Deli Counter.
87
00:04:07,926 --> 00:04:10,766
No time for ifs, buts or bollocks
Get your arses in gear
88
00:04:10,846 --> 00:04:12,286
and show us what you can do.
89
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:22,246
Lorraine, perhaps we should put in
a quick call to Gavin? Why?
90
00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:24,086
Well he is our Area Manager and...
91
00:04:24,166 --> 00:04:25,886
If we go calling Gavin every time we
92
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,686
cough, sneeze or fart he'll be all
over us like a Greek waiter.
93
00:04:28,766 --> 00:04:30,566
Is that what you want?
94
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:33,886
Gavin's hairy hands grabbing your
arse every five minutes?
95
00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:38,606
I wouldn't call them hairy.
Gavin's hands are like a teenager's.
96
00:04:41,686 --> 00:04:45,326
You do recall our little
chat about loyalty don't you?
97
00:04:45,406 --> 00:04:46,446
Yes.
98
00:04:47,886 --> 00:04:52,166
If we show Gavin we can handle
things, he'll leave us well alone.
99
00:04:52,246 --> 00:04:55,566
We'll probably won't see him
more than once a year.
100
00:04:55,646 --> 00:04:56,606
Once a year?
101
00:05:00,126 --> 00:05:01,926
Alright? Mmm hmm.
102
00:05:02,006 --> 00:05:05,006
What you doing for lunch?
Depends. What's on the menu?
103
00:05:07,086 --> 00:05:08,886
Um. Cock sandwich.
104
00:05:08,966 --> 00:05:12,486
Oh yeah? Will it be hot?
Oh you can only eat it hot.
105
00:05:12,566 --> 00:05:14,006
Does it get served in a bun?
106
00:05:15,126 --> 00:05:16,446
Bring your own buns.
107
00:05:16,526 --> 00:05:18,366
And does it come with
a creamy sauce?
108
00:05:18,446 --> 00:05:19,406
Uhh...
109
00:05:20,806 --> 00:05:23,126
yeah, if you want?
Like, ketchup or somat?
110
00:05:23,206 --> 00:05:25,526
I didn't mean an actual sauce,
you knobbo.
111
00:05:25,606 --> 00:05:27,046
Look d'you want a shag or not?
112
00:05:27,126 --> 00:05:28,966
Loading bay, five minutes. Safe.
113
00:05:31,446 --> 00:05:32,446
What?
114
00:05:38,286 --> 00:05:41,406
Good morning
and welcome to Valco this day.
115
00:05:42,686 --> 00:05:44,206
Ooh, I feel like the Queen.
116
00:05:45,486 --> 00:05:47,966
Do you know it's
so different on here, Linda.
117
00:05:48,046 --> 00:05:50,366
And I keep turning round
expecting to see Andy.
118
00:05:50,446 --> 00:05:52,486
And it's not it's you, Linda!
119
00:05:52,566 --> 00:05:53,566
Right, yeah.
120
00:05:53,646 --> 00:05:54,846
Do you know...?
121
00:05:54,926 --> 00:05:57,486
You must get home
a lot earlier than us because,
122
00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,326
you're that much nearer exit,
aren't you?
123
00:05:59,406 --> 00:06:00,646
I don't know about that,
124
00:06:00,726 --> 00:06:04,166
but you do have to deal with a lot
more divs wanting refunds.
125
00:06:04,246 --> 00:06:05,846
Oh Come on.
Is it broken, love?
126
00:06:05,926 --> 00:06:08,286
I met this guy last night,
and he said he'd give me a ring.
127
00:06:08,366 --> 00:06:09,886
Ooh. Handsome was he?
128
00:06:09,966 --> 00:06:11,806
Not really.
But I still want him to ring.
129
00:06:11,886 --> 00:06:13,406
You know what it's like?
130
00:06:19,526 --> 00:06:22,726
We've still go two tills shut.
Who have we got that can jump on?
131
00:06:22,806 --> 00:06:24,846
Get thingy over there... lanky lad.
132
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,246
Oh actually, Lorraine, I don't think
the till is the best
133
00:06:27,326 --> 00:06:28,486
place for Leighton.
134
00:06:28,566 --> 00:06:32,486
He gets confused by numbers.
And certain colours.
135
00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:36,166
First rule of business, give
the little shites a chance to shine.
136
00:06:36,246 --> 00:06:39,366
I really, really don't think that
Leighton should go on the tills.
137
00:06:39,446 --> 00:06:41,646
Gavin always used...
to say that...
138
00:06:42,766 --> 00:06:43,766
that Leigh...
139
00:06:48,406 --> 00:06:51,006
Happy birthday, Alice. It's your
dad, in a card!
140
00:06:51,086 --> 00:06:53,566
I can't wait to see her face
when she gets this card.
141
00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:55,286
It's going to knock her socks off.
142
00:06:55,366 --> 00:06:57,526
What you getting your daughter
for her birthday?
143
00:06:57,606 --> 00:06:59,646
Well I always promised I'd get
her another pony.
144
00:06:59,726 --> 00:07:01,886
You know the last one got
repossessed.
145
00:07:01,966 --> 00:07:04,926
Those bailiffs don't miss
a trick, do they?
146
00:07:05,006 --> 00:07:07,726
Agh, what is it with me
and leaky pens?
147
00:07:07,806 --> 00:07:10,846
Alright? Well I've had two hours
sleep and I nearly
148
00:07:10,926 --> 00:07:13,486
threw up on a customer. Apart from
that, I'm fine.
149
00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,646
I've got the flu n'all.
Join the club.
150
00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,726
I haven't got flu. I'm hungover.
151
00:07:17,806 --> 00:07:21,206
I went to go see the Horrors,
at the union, last night.
152
00:07:21,286 --> 00:07:23,046
The Horrors? No?
153
00:07:23,126 --> 00:07:24,926
Sorry. Not down with the kids, me.
154
00:07:25,006 --> 00:07:27,566
Happy birthday, Alice.
It's your dad, in a card!
155
00:07:27,646 --> 00:07:29,966
It's brilliant. It's me,
it's me, it's my...
156
00:07:31,526 --> 00:07:35,286
I think I'm still pissed.
Didn't get in till five. Five?
157
00:07:35,366 --> 00:07:38,286
Sorry, Dad! We can't all be
settled down like you.
158
00:07:38,366 --> 00:07:40,366
Some of us
like to stay out past midnight.
159
00:07:40,446 --> 00:07:42,646
Alright, Lindsay Lohan.
160
00:07:42,726 --> 00:07:46,526
Listen to you two. You're
like a pair of bickering love birds.
161
00:07:46,606 --> 00:07:50,446
I met my ex in the workplace.
Third floor coffee point.
162
00:07:50,526 --> 00:07:53,206
She dropped a boiling
kettle on my trousers.
163
00:07:53,286 --> 00:07:55,326
In hindsight, probably a bad omen.
164
00:07:55,406 --> 00:07:57,446
We're not a couple, Neville.
We're just mates.
165
00:07:57,526 --> 00:07:59,166
Oh. I just...
166
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:02,086
I better erm... I'll see you later.
Yeah.
167
00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:05,726
Happy birthday, Alice. It's your
dad, in a card!
168
00:08:05,806 --> 00:08:07,726
Oh not again. Come on.
169
00:08:07,806 --> 00:08:10,246
Happy birthday, Alice.
170
00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:14,726
That's it! It's kaput.
171
00:08:17,406 --> 00:08:19,046
Baked Beans.
172
00:08:19,126 --> 00:08:20,086
Baked Beans.
173
00:08:21,766 --> 00:08:22,766
Tomato soup.
174
00:08:24,166 --> 00:08:27,726
Tomato soup. How does it do that!
How does it DO that!?
175
00:08:27,806 --> 00:08:28,806
How does it...
176
00:08:30,846 --> 00:08:33,166
There you go. Thank you.
177
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,806
Tofu.
178
00:08:34,886 --> 00:08:38,446
I'll shower when I get home
but I'll still feel dirty inside.
179
00:08:38,526 --> 00:08:41,406
Urgh the nerve putting me
on the Deli Counter.
180
00:08:41,486 --> 00:08:44,086
Would they ask a Navy Seal to
work in a toy store?
181
00:08:44,166 --> 00:08:45,126
I don't think so.
182
00:08:45,206 --> 00:08:47,006
You ever heard of a band
called the Horrors?
183
00:08:47,086 --> 00:08:49,526
What? No. Oh maybe, I dunno.
184
00:08:49,606 --> 00:08:51,606
Are they like the Killers?
They sound similar.
185
00:08:51,686 --> 00:08:54,446
Why did I ask you? I'm surprised
you've even heard of The Killers.
186
00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:56,166
Hey, I've done more than
heard of them.
187
00:08:56,246 --> 00:08:59,206
Their drummer broke down outside
my house once. Used my phone.
188
00:08:59,286 --> 00:09:01,726
Didn't have any change on him
so he gave me a cymbal.
189
00:09:04,646 --> 00:09:08,086
So the good news is that three can
come back in tomorrow and um,
190
00:09:08,166 --> 00:09:10,686
only one of the night shift has
phoned in sick.
191
00:09:10,766 --> 00:09:13,326
See, aren't you glad now
we didn't phone Gavin?
192
00:09:13,406 --> 00:09:15,686
Erm... yes, I suppose I am,
actually.
193
00:09:15,766 --> 00:09:20,166
Great wet streak of piss - God knows
how he got to be made area manager.
194
00:09:22,006 --> 00:09:23,166
You know what, Julie?
195
00:09:23,246 --> 00:09:25,686
When we first met,
I thought you were the type who'd
196
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,166
fall in a barrel of cocks
and come out sucking her thumb.
197
00:09:28,246 --> 00:09:31,046
But now... Now I quite like you.
198
00:09:31,126 --> 00:09:32,406
Oh well that's um...
199
00:09:33,446 --> 00:09:35,406
Thanks Lorraine.
200
00:09:35,486 --> 00:09:37,166
I like you too.
201
00:09:37,246 --> 00:09:39,006
You remind me of myself.
202
00:09:39,086 --> 00:09:41,926
Really?
203
00:09:42,006 --> 00:09:46,606
Just kidding love. We're like shit
and shoe polish you and me.
204
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:49,886
But you did mean the other thing?
About liking me.
205
00:09:51,006 --> 00:09:52,406
You'll do for me, flower.
206
00:09:53,966 --> 00:09:56,006
No thanks, I don't smoke.
207
00:09:56,086 --> 00:09:57,606
Started when I were twelve.
208
00:09:57,686 --> 00:09:59,726
Me old man used to buy me
a pack every week.
209
00:09:59,806 --> 00:10:02,046
"Get 'em smoked or you'll get no
bastard tea."
210
00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:08,206
Oh come on then,
give one bloody well here.
211
00:10:15,446 --> 00:10:16,446
Hello sir.
212
00:10:17,646 --> 00:10:20,046
Hey, woah, hang on a second.
213
00:10:20,126 --> 00:10:22,806
I think there's two for one on
these.
214
00:10:22,886 --> 00:10:24,086
YEAH! It's two for one.
215
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,286
Go and get another one,
it's free. It's free!
216
00:10:29,726 --> 00:10:32,526
Oh!
I think I'm going to be sick.
217
00:10:33,846 --> 00:10:37,326
Take my advice love,
smoke your way through it.
218
00:10:44,366 --> 00:10:45,766
Hold my hand, Lorraine!
219
00:10:48,361 --> 00:10:49,961
Margaret.
220
00:10:49,991 --> 00:10:53,071
Margaret... are you alright?
Oh bugger off, Sharon.
221
00:10:53,151 --> 00:10:56,071
No of fence, love
but you have really let yourself go.
222
00:10:56,151 --> 00:10:58,791
Oh ha-ha-ha that's hilarious.
I think my sides have split.
223
00:10:58,871 --> 00:11:02,071
I just wanted to congratulate you on
your promotion to the Deli Counter.
224
00:11:02,151 --> 00:11:04,791
It's not a promotion.
Not yet. But fingers crossed, eh?
225
00:11:04,871 --> 00:11:06,871
Fingers crossed.
226
00:11:06,951 --> 00:11:09,951
Ooh you've got little, tiny fingers?
Oh give over.
227
00:11:10,031 --> 00:11:12,591
Ah, they're all delicate.
Like a little China Doll.
228
00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:14,871
Oh yeah, says Jimmy Krankie!
229
00:11:14,951 --> 00:11:17,391
Alright, don't get your little lady
fingers in a twiddle!
230
00:11:17,471 --> 00:11:19,031
Oh just bugger off, Sharon!
231
00:11:26,511 --> 00:11:29,751
Oh great. Would you like help
packing, sir? No I'm fine.
232
00:11:36,671 --> 00:11:38,671
It's that fella from last night!
Didn't think
233
00:11:38,751 --> 00:11:40,031
I'd hear from him again.
234
00:11:40,111 --> 00:11:41,671
Oh hang on, let me get me glasses.
235
00:11:43,471 --> 00:11:45,471
Oh no. Margaret.
What?
236
00:11:49,111 --> 00:11:50,511
Right, let's have a look.
237
00:11:52,431 --> 00:11:53,671
"Urr dud fut."
238
00:11:53,751 --> 00:11:54,951
Is he foreign love?
239
00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:57,871
It says U R Dead fit! Aww.
240
00:11:58,951 --> 00:12:00,111
Shall I text him back?
241
00:12:00,191 --> 00:12:02,951
Oh don't ask me, love.
It's all a whirl to me.
242
00:12:03,031 --> 00:12:06,271
Mobile televisions. Flat computers.
Argos.
243
00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:08,551
No, I meant does it make me
look too keen?
244
00:12:08,631 --> 00:12:10,191
It's from him again.
245
00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:13,351
Is that a photo, love?
246
00:12:13,431 --> 00:12:14,711
Yeah.
247
00:12:14,791 --> 00:12:16,431
That's a funny moustache.
248
00:12:16,511 --> 00:12:18,231
That's not his face, Margaret.
249
00:12:20,951 --> 00:12:21,951
Oh!
250
00:12:27,711 --> 00:12:31,151
Was it The Horrors you said you
went to see last night? Yeah. Why?
251
00:12:31,231 --> 00:12:34,991
Nothing. Just, I remembered
I went to see them a while back.
252
00:12:35,071 --> 00:12:36,751
Oh right. What did you think?
253
00:12:36,831 --> 00:12:37,871
Yeah, pretty good.
254
00:12:37,951 --> 00:12:42,071
They did stuff off er, Primary
Colours, their last...
255
00:12:42,151 --> 00:12:45,271
but one album. Weird how this
morning you didn't know who they were
256
00:12:45,351 --> 00:12:47,311
and now you're like Zane Lowe
or something.
257
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,351
Just... So...
258
00:12:49,431 --> 00:12:51,551
if I looked at your
phone there wouldn't be a Google
259
00:12:51,631 --> 00:12:52,711
search for The Horrors?
260
00:12:52,791 --> 00:12:54,231
No.
Let's have a look then.
261
00:12:56,031 --> 00:12:59,951
You sad git.
262
00:13:00,031 --> 00:13:01,951
They're shit anyway.
263
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,391
You got something -
Hey! Oh oh.
264
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:15,151
Are you gonna pay for that?
Yeah, yeah, just...
265
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,151
Twat.
You are what you eat.
266
00:13:28,471 --> 00:13:32,311
She thinks she's so bloody funny.
She is funny, sometimes.
267
00:13:33,711 --> 00:13:35,231
Whose side are you on?
268
00:13:35,311 --> 00:13:38,791
It's not a competition. It doesn't
matter if Sharon's funnier than you.
269
00:13:38,871 --> 00:13:42,591
She is not funnier than me. That is
physically impossible.
270
00:13:42,671 --> 00:13:43,991
What, cos she's a woman?
271
00:13:45,151 --> 00:13:46,311
No.
272
00:13:47,791 --> 00:13:50,311
Well for one thing,
I've trained as a clown.
273
00:13:52,071 --> 00:13:56,071
You trained as a clown?
What, at some clown school?
274
00:13:56,151 --> 00:13:57,591
It was a DVD.
275
00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,711
It came with a magazine.
276
00:13:59,791 --> 00:14:00,751
About clowns.
277
00:14:01,871 --> 00:14:02,871
Very detailed.
278
00:14:02,951 --> 00:14:04,911
Look you can't be top dog
all the time.
279
00:14:04,991 --> 00:14:07,471
Sometimes you've got to go to bed
and put down your bone.
280
00:14:07,551 --> 00:14:11,471
I am not going to bed
and I am not putting down my bone!
281
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,471
I'm the funny one here
and that's that.
282
00:14:16,471 --> 00:14:20,831
Right that's it. That... is... it!
283
00:14:21,911 --> 00:14:22,951
Eh, eh!
284
00:14:23,031 --> 00:14:24,511
Yeah, very good that Sharon.
285
00:14:24,591 --> 00:14:26,951
You might want to bake something
that reminds us of you.
286
00:14:27,031 --> 00:14:29,511
Oh yeah like what?
Short bread.
287
00:14:29,591 --> 00:14:30,911
Yeah, keep going, Oscar Wilde.
288
00:14:30,991 --> 00:14:33,151
Actually I was gonna make
an Andy Richmond pie.
289
00:14:33,231 --> 00:14:36,751
Full of fat with a tiny
portion of meat and two veg.
290
00:14:38,631 --> 00:14:40,391
Don't laugh. Sorry.
291
00:14:40,471 --> 00:14:43,391
Where did you get your joke
book from? Poundstretchers?
292
00:14:52,191 --> 00:14:54,311
Why is it
so hard to find a decent fella?
293
00:14:56,591 --> 00:15:00,431
You're a lovely lass.
You just have to be patient.
294
00:15:00,511 --> 00:15:02,631
I used to think like that.
Then one day
295
00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:05,391
I was in this shoe
shop in Chadderton, and this
296
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:09,311
handsome man walked in and he asked
for a pair of size eight insoles.
297
00:15:09,391 --> 00:15:11,751
Was that your Alan?
It was yeah.
298
00:15:11,831 --> 00:15:14,711
I took one look at his Cuban heels
and I thought...
299
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:20,191
"That is the man I want walking
beside me for the rest of my life."
300
00:15:20,271 --> 00:15:22,151
That's dead romantic.
301
00:15:22,231 --> 00:15:23,951
Aww, it must be nice being your age.
302
00:15:24,031 --> 00:15:25,831
Not having to deal with all
this rubbish.
303
00:15:25,911 --> 00:15:28,391
Yeah well you want to see me
trying to get out of bath.
304
00:15:30,111 --> 00:15:33,391
Must be great behind that meat
counter. I was wondering though,
305
00:15:33,471 --> 00:15:35,671
What's it like working next
to a mincer?
306
00:15:35,751 --> 00:15:39,031
What's it like working next to a...
A pair of doughnuts?
307
00:15:39,111 --> 00:15:41,231
I thought fat people were
supposed to be funny?
308
00:15:41,311 --> 00:15:43,151
You're lucky you're a woman!
Yes, so are you.
309
00:15:43,231 --> 00:15:45,991
I'm a lady's man, don't you worry
about that. Oh give over!
310
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,631
The last woman to see you
naked was your mum.
311
00:15:48,711 --> 00:15:51,431
And even she used to bath you
with her eyes closed.
312
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:55,871
My Mum's dead.
313
00:15:58,831 --> 00:16:00,671
Right.
314
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,511
You're out of order.
315
00:16:02,591 --> 00:16:04,111
I didn't know. I was just...
316
00:16:05,151 --> 00:16:06,311
just having a laugh.
317
00:16:06,391 --> 00:16:07,471
Yeah...
318
00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:08,511
well...
319
00:16:09,631 --> 00:16:11,311
nobody's laughing now, are they?
320
00:16:15,791 --> 00:16:18,591
Had you going! Your faces!
321
00:16:20,071 --> 00:16:23,431
That's not funny.
It's a rug pull! Comedy classic.
322
00:16:25,471 --> 00:16:26,711
Jesus, Andy.
323
00:16:26,791 --> 00:16:30,071
Ah, you know what to call me now,
Kieran - Top Dog.
324
00:16:30,151 --> 00:16:31,751
Unbelievable.
325
00:16:37,471 --> 00:16:38,751
Are you in charge here?
326
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,231
I am the deputy manager of this
store, madam.
327
00:16:41,311 --> 00:16:42,711
How can I be of assistance?
328
00:16:42,791 --> 00:16:45,631
I want to know how my lad
got sold this.
329
00:16:45,711 --> 00:16:47,831
I can assure you that he
didn't buy it here.
330
00:16:47,911 --> 00:16:50,591
Valco has a very strict
"Think 21" policy.
331
00:16:50,671 --> 00:16:51,631
Hello again, sir!
332
00:16:59,111 --> 00:17:01,791
How old did you think those lads
were, Leighton?
333
00:17:01,871 --> 00:17:05,191
Well I did ask them a couple of
times, and they said they were 30.
334
00:17:05,271 --> 00:17:07,511
But I thought if you can't buy
a drink when you're 30,
335
00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:09,751
when can you buy a drink?
336
00:17:09,831 --> 00:17:13,391
They were in school uniform.
What were you thinking?
337
00:17:13,471 --> 00:17:15,551
I was thinking about my old
school uniform.
338
00:17:15,631 --> 00:17:17,951
They've swapped the badge
it's on a different side now.
339
00:17:19,911 --> 00:17:23,151
You could've lost us our license,
you daft bastard.
340
00:17:23,231 --> 00:17:25,791
Leighton.
Don't go near the tills again. OK?
341
00:17:25,871 --> 00:17:27,791
Got it, Julie.
Now best get back to work.
342
00:17:29,791 --> 00:17:31,271
But not near those tills!
343
00:17:36,671 --> 00:17:40,151
I hope this isn't
out of turn for me to say, Lorraine,
344
00:17:40,231 --> 00:17:43,071
but I did try to tell you... Did
you, Julie?!
345
00:17:43,151 --> 00:17:44,191
Did you really?
346
00:17:45,951 --> 00:17:47,511
Ta da! Ah, been shopping?
347
00:17:47,591 --> 00:17:49,591
Yes, it's for my daughter's
birthday.
348
00:17:49,671 --> 00:17:53,111
I couldn't afford to get her a pony,
so I got her the next best thing.
349
00:17:53,191 --> 00:17:56,151
A book about ponies.
Well, it's about horses really.
350
00:17:57,831 --> 00:17:59,631
Are you sure you're alright,
Neville?
351
00:17:59,711 --> 00:18:01,751
You're not coming down with
this bug are you?
352
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:04,991
No, no, I've just been rushing about
is all. No there's no way I'm being
353
00:18:05,071 --> 00:18:08,111
ill, not tonight. Besides I've had
my flu jab. I had to.
354
00:18:08,191 --> 00:18:10,511
My ex won't let me in the house
if I'm ill.
355
00:18:10,591 --> 00:18:12,071
She's had a baby.
356
00:18:12,151 --> 00:18:13,871
Lovely little thing...
357
00:18:13,951 --> 00:18:14,911
so I've heard.
358
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:23,431
I've been thinking about what you
said. And you're right, Margaret.
359
00:18:23,511 --> 00:18:25,751
Am I? I'm gonna be patient and
wait for the right man to
360
00:18:25,831 --> 00:18:28,471
come along. I texted that knobhead
from last night and told him
361
00:18:28,551 --> 00:18:30,591
to go sling his hook.
What did you do that for?
362
00:18:30,671 --> 00:18:32,631
But you said...
Don't be too fussy, love.
363
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:36,311
You'll end up living on your own
like a Brenda. Like a what?
364
00:18:36,391 --> 00:18:39,151
My Alan's second cousin, Brenda.
365
00:18:39,231 --> 00:18:41,591
She turned down two marriage
proposals,
366
00:18:41,671 --> 00:18:44,871
then choked to death on some
coronation chicken.
367
00:18:44,951 --> 00:18:48,591
It was weeks before we found her.
It were a terrible business.
368
00:18:48,671 --> 00:18:49,631
Terrible smell.
369
00:18:51,271 --> 00:18:52,511
Oh, how can I help love?
370
00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:54,991
Hi, I'd like to return this
top please.
371
00:18:55,071 --> 00:18:56,311
Yes.
372
00:18:57,351 --> 00:19:01,791
All the deliveries are in now except
for the No Nonsense turkey mince.
373
00:19:01,871 --> 00:19:04,591
They left it on the palettes too
long and it turned.
374
00:19:06,231 --> 00:19:07,311
Gavin!
375
00:19:08,991 --> 00:19:11,551
Ah, Lorraine. Oh, ah, Julie. Gavin.
376
00:19:12,631 --> 00:19:16,711
I wasn't expecting to see
you for another... four weeks.
377
00:19:16,791 --> 00:19:20,271
I was in the area, so I thought I'd
you know, pop on by, see
378
00:19:20,351 --> 00:19:22,071
if everything was tickety boo.
379
00:19:23,191 --> 00:19:24,631
I'll just leave you two...
380
00:19:24,711 --> 00:19:27,591
Stay where you are Julie.
Shut the door.
381
00:19:27,671 --> 00:19:30,151
Everything's going fine, Gavin.
382
00:19:30,231 --> 00:19:31,751
Smooth as a baby's backside.
383
00:19:31,831 --> 00:19:35,271
Right, well yes I know that there's
this, this nasty bug going
384
00:19:35,351 --> 00:19:38,111
round so I thought I'd see
if you had any problems?
385
00:19:38,191 --> 00:19:39,551
Isn't it funny?
386
00:19:39,631 --> 00:19:42,311
It's like you know everything that's
going on round here without even
387
00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:45,551
being told. Well,
maybe it's one of my special skills.
388
00:19:45,631 --> 00:19:46,951
Must be!
389
00:19:47,031 --> 00:19:50,351
Oh, there was a little something
with an under age lad buying
390
00:19:50,431 --> 00:19:52,471
alcohol... Really?
391
00:19:52,551 --> 00:19:55,311
Oh, I had no idea.
But that's been sorted.
392
00:19:55,391 --> 00:19:57,791
Well, as long as no harm was done...
There wasn't.
393
00:19:57,871 --> 00:19:59,631
And lessons were learned...
They were.
394
00:19:59,711 --> 00:20:03,671
And Leighton doesn't work on the
tills anymore, then we're all happy.
395
00:20:03,751 --> 00:20:06,231
How did you know it was Leighton?
396
00:20:06,311 --> 00:20:07,471
Well I...
397
00:20:08,551 --> 00:20:09,911
I don't.
398
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:11,351
It was just a guess.
399
00:20:11,431 --> 00:20:13,631
Incredible.
400
00:20:15,191 --> 00:20:16,271
Thank you.
401
00:20:19,711 --> 00:20:20,831
Pleasure.
402
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,551
One seventy and your receipt.
Thank you.
403
00:20:28,631 --> 00:20:29,991
Is it hot in here?
404
00:20:30,071 --> 00:20:32,951
Not really. Are you sure you're not
feeling ill, Neville?
405
00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:35,871
No, no, not me. Not today.
Do you want a paracetamol...
406
00:20:35,951 --> 00:20:37,951
Oh, no, no I can't take those,
thank you.
407
00:20:38,031 --> 00:20:39,071
They make me spasm.
408
00:20:40,431 --> 00:20:41,631
I don't look ill, do I?
409
00:20:41,711 --> 00:20:42,951
She won't let me in if I do.
410
00:20:43,031 --> 00:20:44,591
You look great, Neville.
411
00:20:44,671 --> 00:20:46,631
Ahh, brilliant.
I can't wait for tonight.
412
00:20:46,711 --> 00:20:47,911
It's going to be the best.
413
00:21:02,591 --> 00:21:03,791
I was right, wasn't I?
414
00:21:05,471 --> 00:21:09,031
About what, Lorraine?
About today being an opportunity.
415
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:13,911
Oh I learned all sorts of things
about certain people.
416
00:21:18,871 --> 00:21:19,871
Night, Julie.
417
00:21:24,071 --> 00:21:25,551
Sharon.
418
00:21:33,271 --> 00:21:34,791
Oi! See ya.
419
00:21:37,991 --> 00:21:39,191
Night, Katie. Night.
420
00:21:39,241 --> 00:21:43,791
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