Original subtitles

I'm quite nervous. Just say your line!

Stop that now.

If you can get it cheaper, I'll come round and cook it meself.

Red 'ot deals.

We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.

Loads of two-for-ones.

Service with a smile.

We have fresh produce. Delivered daily. Don't forget the Valco tick!

Am I getting paid for this?

- Valco... I wasn't ready! - Oh, weren't you? Ha ha ha!

Valco serves you right!

Valco serves you right!

Which is why 20p from every bunch goes straight to our banana farmers.

Valco - putting the 'fair' into Fairtrade.

Just to remind all our customers,

there's a fabulous offer on our Valco own-brand pork sausages.

Two packets for the price of one. Sizzlingly sensational!

And your olives. Lord knows why you want them.

Like salty grapes, they are.

Thank you.

Ohh! Thank you for shopping at Valco! Ha ha ha!

Oh, Andy, I nearly jumped out of me bones! Ha ha ha!

Ahhh, I'll never get used to all this fame.

Me picture all over the store, people staring. I feel like that William.

What, Prince William? No, that singer, Andy, he were on that show.

About singers.

Hang on, are you talking about will.i.am? Is that how you say it?

Why doesn't he just call himself "I'm William"?

It's like a nickname! He's just showing off, if you ask me.

Hey, why don't I 'ave a nickname?

Erm... ohh, I've got it, I've got it.

Erm, Marg. E...

Ret? Ret, yeah! Ha ha ha!

That's the view from the pool. Yeah, great.

That's the sea. Right.

That's the sea again.

That's a boat in the sea.

Oh, for god's sake, didn't you take any interesting photos?

Sea, sea, beach, burger, sea.

Everyone goes topless over there.

Nice baps, by the way. Aw, d'you think?

Go on, let's have a feel! Oh, stop it!

Get off!

Ha ha ha ha!

Perfect. Leighton, I need you to...

Have you only done the bottom shelf? I was thinking.

Again? Yeah. And I thought,

traditionally, when people sit on the toilet,

the toilet roll's usually quite low down.

So, maybe we should sell it low down.

I mean, I did come to the idea through thinking.

Hang on a minute.

Have you changed the whole aisle?! Yeah. I came in at 6.

So...

At hand height, we have soap, rubber gloves and nail polish. Oh God.

At head height, we have shampoo, toothpaste

and razors-although we've got some of those down at leg height as well,

depending on...

um, what you want to shave.

I really don't know what to say.

Well, if you want, I could tell head office

that we came up with the idea together...

Leighton, I seriously think that you should put everything back

how it was before.

Can do!

Oh, and did you finish Gavin's leaving DVD? Can did!

Yeah. Managed to get all the staff in there, apart from Gavin.

I couldn't find him.

But my message is definitely on there? Oh yeah.

I loved your poem, actually. Aww!

I never knew so many words rhymed with Gavin, I couldn't think of any.

Um...

Tavern? Cavern?

Well, just make sure that everything's ready for 12 o'clock.

And try and brighten the canteen up a bit.

You know, get some balloons or something. Gavin loves balloons!

Oh, I've got one!

Gavin... no, sorry, it's the same. Sorry.

Ey up.

Oh, ho ho, aha!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr and Mrs Kieran.

Aww, it's great to see my faithful servant back at my side!

I missed you, buddy. So come on, how was your honeymoon?

Yeah, it were nice. Oh, Dubai was... incredible.

And I got to spend two weeks with my lovely new husband.

Yeah, although one week would have been enough.

I still say you should have gone to Orlando.

Disney World, Free Willy in a tank. You can get a day pass for the lot.

Maybe next time, mate. Um, next time? Second honeymoon, I mean.

Right, I'm off. Don't be late! Oh, what's happening later?

A romantic meal for the newly-weds? No, Homebase.

There's a massive discount on lamps. Does it have to be tonight?

I said I'd catch up with me mates.

Yes, it does have to be tonight!

Bye - hubby. See ya.

Well, that didn't take long. What didn't take long?

You, getting cosy under Emma's big thumb. Lamps!

Ouch!

D'you want summat? Nothing you're offering.

Could have fooled me, you're like a seagull hanging round a trawler.

Really? Must be the smell. Oh.

Actually, I think I've got, erm...

Yeah.

Eyyy! Yeah. Well done. Yeah. Yeah, funny. Yeah.

Them bakers do my head in.

Why don't you like 'em, Andy? Well, look at 'em, with all their bread.

They think they're on the same level as us.

Don't they have to train for seven years? That's doctors, Margaret.

They shouldn't even have their own counter.

I mean, fishmongers, fair enough. Deli counter...

alright, I'll let it go cos it's you, and the army,

they can have their own counter if they worked in supermarkets.

I took one of their bread rolls home for Alan. He woofed it down!

There never used to be a bakery.

Just used to have a shelf that said, "White Bread".

These days there's pitta, focaccia, baguettes...

you have to speak five languages just to ask for the stuff.

Not this again. And don't get me started on falafels! How many times?

Falafel's not a bread! Oh, typical! They've even got you fooled.

And anyway, I 'ate them bakers.

Oh, look out, here she comes. The poison dwarf.

Morning, pig chops. Did I hear a noise?

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there, Sharon.

Margaret, can you get a chair for Sharon to stand on?

He's joking, Margaret. Oh, ha, yeah! Chair, yeah. Ha ha.

You lot are quiet. We haven't stopped all morning.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Let's see how cocky you are during the three o'clock meat-rush.

Anyway, I just wanted to fill you in on summat I heard on the grapevine.

I am the grapevine.

Oh, I guess you know about the new boss then? Course I do.

What about him? Well, he is a she, for starters. And she's from Iceland!

So? So, they don't have butchers at Iceland, do they?

They don't have butchers at all.

Margaret, can you get me that chair, please? I think I need to sit down.

Chair, ha ha ha! You! Heh heh.

You'll be alright.

Now, I must be away by three o'clock.

Otherwise head office is going to have my guts

turned into piles of garters.

Of course. But you're not to be late for lunch, either.

12 on the dot, it's very important.

I agree, most important meal of the day.

After breakfast.

In fact, I think I'm in the mood for a jacket potato.

And, delete.

There, Gavin Strong has been erased from the matrix.

Oh, Gavin! It's like you're painting yourself out of a picture.

Well, it's only an email address, Julie,

you can't get attached to these things.

Mind you, I'm going to miss this keyboard though.

The extended numberpad has been a lifesaver.

- Oh, look! Is this a present I see? - Yes, I think it is!

- Tee hee! Oh, how thoughtful! - It's like Christmas Day.

Oh, the world, what a snazzy tie!

D'you know what, I might just make this my Saturday tie. Ohhh!

Well, it's a damn sight better than the present I got from the bakers.

I mean, whoever heard

of a three-legged gingerbread man?

Leaping frogs, look at the time.

Lorraine's going to be here any minute.

Oh, you do think she'll like me, don't you?

Probably be the best manager you've ever had. Impossible!

He's standing proud in front of me.

Bring on the jacket potatoes.

How do I look? How's my hair? Does it say "Professional/dependable"?

You look like a gold nugget, Julie. Ohhhhh!

Ah, Lorraine!

Here already, we weren't expecting you for another four minutes!

I was born two weeks late, Gavin,

I've never been late for anything since.

Hello! I'm Julie Cook. Deputy Manager at Valco.

Mwah! Mwah!

Bit European, intit?

Marvellous! How about I take you to my - well, your office?

I can push pens when you're gone, Gavin.

Let's have a tour of the shop floor. See how this bastard works.

Ah, Leighton! Just the person. Lorraine, I'd like you meet Leighton.

Leighton, this is your new manager.

It's a real pleasure to meet you, sir.

Er, madam, sorry. It's all right, love.

Oh, ouch!

Special occasion, eh, Leighton? Yeah.

No. No, I just really like balloons.

Normal balloons, I don't like the squeaky ones that...

You twist into animal shapes much, but this is, er...

Bye.

Nice kid.

We used to have a few special needs like him at Iceland.

Inspirational, they were. Oh, no, Leighton's not learning disabled.

No, he's just enthusiastic.

In fact he's a key member of what I like to call the "Valco Family".

And which one are you?

Dirty uncle?

Heh heh.

All you do is walk about skiving. Yeah.

At least I don't sit on me fat arse all day.

Er, don't have a go at my arse.

You know, I'm probably the only bloke in Warrington

who's not had a go at your arse.

You're disgusting. Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

Hmm.

Just cos she worked in frozen food, don't mean anything. You reckon?

Nah, whoever this bint is she's gonna be well out of her depth here.

I'll give her a week.

I'll bear that in mind.

Andy.

I...I knew you were there. Just, y'know, a bit of banter.

Ribbing the new boss. And what's your name, gorgeous?

K...Kieran.

Why are you hiding this one on the meat counter, Gavin?

Stick him at the front doors, you'd have a queue of women waiting to get in.

Me included.

I'll be keeping a good eye on you. Kieran.

Every bit of you.

Oh, God! It's nearly lunch!

Gavin, why don't you show Lorraine the fish counter?

And I'll meet you in the canteen in exactly four minutes.

That is a superb idea.

Lorraine, I think you'll be impressed, honestly.

Some of our shrimp is so big, you'll think they're prawns. Ha.

Er, oh,. Or is it the other way round?

For somebody from Iceland, she speaks very good English.

Could you slow down a little bit, please?

Ohh, now everyone, quiet! I think he's coming! Shhh!

Put your hat on!

Ohhh!

Surprise!

Come on, everybody, surprise!

Leighton, DVD!

What the fudge?

Oh, my god, what is that? Don't look, Gavin.

Leighton, turn it off!

EEK! Oh, oh!

Move! Turn it off!

Leave it.

Unplug it! Oh!

Surprise!

This isn't so much a goodbye as a "goodbye until I see you all again",

on the first scheduled visit on the 22nd.

Anyway. Today is also a chance for you

to say a big hello to your new store manager.

Fresh from the freezers of Iceland, Lorraine Chaine!

I'll keep this brief, cos I will be coming to meet you all individually.

Sort out the worker bees from the lazy bastards.

I'm just messing! Ha ha!

That's handy. She's already met you.

Would. Would. No. No way. Nearly did, once.

Would. Definitely would.

What, you'd shag Louis Walsh? He's cuddly. Jesus, Linda.

What! And he's Irish. I love the accent.

You need help.

This is a customer announcement.

We are now offering three for two on all Valco Treat Yourself microwave meals.

So go on, treat yourself.

Louis Walsh, I though he was gay?

He won't be when I've finished with him. Oh, you're making me feel sick.

You know what the best of it is? At the end of it,

he'd be able to give me a nice rating on my performance.

You'd seriously do that? Yeah. I'd let him do whatever he wanted to me.

Mmmm.

Now, Lorraine, I hope you don't mind.

I thought I'd put together an extra information pack.

It's a little bit more detail than the one you get from head office,

but believe me, this job can be difficult.

Gavin.

Gavin, I'm at the end of my tether, and I have to say something.

Margaret! We knock before entering a manager's office!

What is it, Margaret? It's the other me's! They're everywhere!

I can't work with me own face staring at me all the time.

Please can we get rid of them? Let me handle this. No, Margaret.

The cut-outs are staying, and that's final. Gotta be honest, Gavin.

I'm all ears. She's bang right. Those cut-outs give the wrong image.

Some old woman, smiling? Ha! It looks like an advert

for a retirement home. No offence, love.

Thank you. I'll get them shifted for you.

Oh, that's the best news I've heard all afternoon.

Sorry I didn't knock, I didn't want to make a noise.

Oh!

Andy! Grr!

So what do you do, Julie? Apart from stick on mucky films.

Well, I have numerous duties which...

Don't worry, flower, I'm just messing.

Scuse me, mate, your doors won't open.

Oh. I'll deal with this, Gavin.

There's a bit of knack to these doors.

It's all about the way you walk up to them.

Oh!

You'd probably best use the manual override there, Julie.

I'm fine Gavin. I can do some things by myself.

It's more about the rhythm than anything.

I've got to get to the vet's for four.

Julie, I really think the key is your...

I'm not going to use the bloody key, Gavin, just shut up!

Julie!

Two packets of Valco own brand soft white

rolls for the price of one.

Brilliant barbeque buns. Enjoy.

There you go, love. Have a nice day.

She just can't stand butchers. She doesn't seem to mind me.

Think it's just you, mate. What the hell am I supposed to do?

The old Andy Richmond charm routine.

That is not the worst idea you've ever 'ad. Eh? Eh?

Kieran, you've seen me in action.

When this Casanova turns on the charm, women quite literally melt.

Ohh, I'll have to close me eyes.

That's the stuff. Maybe undo the top button. Show the goods. Good shout.

Hey, I'll stop by Toiletries on the way, put some splash on.

She won't know what's hit her!

Think stallion!

Oh, there you are! I thought you'd left us. Oh, good grief.

Are you quite all right? No, I'm not all right.

You're leaving, and Lorraine thinks I'm stupid.

Can I be honest with you, Julie?

When you were first interiming, d'you know what?

You were terrible. What!

You've grown to become one of the best deputy managers I've ever had.

Right up there with Andrew Burns. Do you really mean that?

I mean it like a fox, Julie.

Oh, Gavin. You always make things better.

Oh, why do you have to leave?

Just as we finally became a team! Team Gavin and Julie.

It's a bit like a marriage.

Without the sexual intercourse.

No sex on the shop floor, as the saying goes.

Oh, let's never get divorced. Oh! Yeah.

Er, really should get going now. Oh. All right. Oh, ow!

Oh, what've you done? It's my watch. Can't you just... No, it's stuck.

No, don't pull, I can't... You're gonna break one of me strings!

Do you mind knocking? Sorry, Lorraine.

Do you mind if I call you Lorraine? Boss will do. OK, boss.

I... Shitting Christ, what's that smell? Dunno.

Smells like a tart's handbag.

How strange. Look...

I think we may have got off on the wrong foot.

Get off my desk!

What I'm saying is, I think...

you and I...

could be friends.

Good friends. Who knows,

maybe more than that.

D'you think I were born yesterday?

Well, you do look very young.

Let's get one thing straight.

You might have been able to push Gavin around like a brown paper bag,

but not me.

Now, is that all?

Never seen you lookin' so lovely

as you did tonight

na na hmm hmm bright...

Get. Out.

I'll let you have a go on Kieran, if you... OUT!

It's a funny feeling though, when you see yourself being thrown into a bin.

I suppose it must be.

Is that the last one, Leighton? Yeah. I think this one's my favourite.

Awww.

Can I 'ave it?

Er, yeah. Aw. I want just the one.

It'll keep my Alan company when I'm at work.

Lorraine is definitely a lesbian. It's the only explanation.

I think you need some help on how to deal with women, mate.

Oh, from the boy who lives under the thumb and goes to Homebase every night?

No, thank you. We're not going to Homebase anymore actually.

Emma's coming out with me and my mates.

Oh, how did you find your bollocks? With a lamp?

Oh, grow up.

Er, I better dash. See you tomorrow.

Oh, er, Miss Chaine! Miss Chaine!

I just wanted to apologise for what happened earlier.

I'm sorry I lost it. I suppose I just wanted to impress the new boss.

Oh, don't worry, kid.

I've given blow jobs to impress the boss before now. Right.

Well, um, anyway, I'll be much more on it tomorrow. I promise.

Any plans for tonight? I'll probably just stay up.

And then go to bed.

How about you? Up to anything exciting? Maybe.

Someone called me a liar. I gotta go and sort them out. Right.

Well, erm, I'll see you tomorrow then. Have a good one, kid.

Have you got me handbag? Yes.

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