All language subtitles for Trollied s01e06 Kierans Beard.eng

- I'll come round and cook it.
- We have 17 varieties of papadom.

Offers on everything
from booze to biscuits.

- Loads of 2-for-1s.
- Service with a smile.

- Fresh produce...
- ..delivered daily.

- The Valco tick.
- That way.

- Valco!
- I wasn't ready.

Valco. Serves you right!

(all) Valco. Serves you right!

- Kieran?
- I'm late, sorry.

- What's the scarf for? It's boiling.
- Can't hear you.

It's a pity these haven't taken off.

People don't like being told what to
eat. That's why so many of them are fat.

It'd be nice to have had a success story
for the new area manager.

Don't worry, he's a pussycat.
I should know.

Did I mention that Craig's
a close personal friend?

- Quite a few times, actually.
- Yeah, we go way back.

One, two, three, four, five a day
in a bag. It's a super idea.

You just have to face it, Warrington
just isn't ready for five a day.

The sooner everyone accepts that,
the sooner we can move on.

We're not Milan yet.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Late Middleton.

- Somebody tidied up back here?
- Yeah, Eva Braun's orders.

We've got a new area manager
coming in.

She made me tidy up my display.
I don't like it too neat.

People don't want to feel they're
buying their meat off Rain Man.

- Good weekend?
- Not bad.

- You?
- Yeah.

Spend most of it gluing pubes
to your chops?

- I'm growing a beard.
- Tell that to the rest of your face.

It grows a bit quicker on my top lip.
The rest will catch up.

Alright, alright. Whatever you say.

- Growing a beard, Kieran?
- He's a bit sensitive about it.

I'm not sensitive!

- I'm not sensitive.
- I do like a nice beard.

Oh! Not yours, though.

Don't.

Wow.

I didn't know Cheryl Cole
worked at Valco.

I didn't know David Dickinson
shopped here. Nice tan!

Good one, kid.
I'm not shopping here.

I'm Craig Falcon.
You might have heard of me.

- Area Manager.
- Oh, God.

- I'm so sorry. I didn't...
- Whoa. Don't worry, baby-doll.

Just because I'm management
doesn't mean I can't take a joke.

What're you listening to?

- What?
- Music, tunes, tracks.

What beats are you listenin' to?

Do you want to stop bothering
my staff, Casanova?

(laughs) Bugger me!

Welcome to Warrington, Mr Falcon.
Nice to meet you outside of an email.

- (giggles)
- You... must be Gavin, eh?

I've got the 5-in-a-bag results
in my office so we should go...

We'll go through them later.
So, Deputy Manager, eh?

Did you have to shag him
to get the gig?

- I can assure you...
- Give over, you big wally.

Covering Leanne Baxter's maternity.

Always knew she had it in her to climb
the ladder even back in St Helen's.

Shut up. You'll make me blush.

Julie used to be your assistant!
What a turn out for the books.

Yeah. So, interim deputy manager,

are you going to give me
a little tour of your store?

Go on then. I can't leave you
wandering around on your own.

God knows what might happen.

- Shall we start at the meat counter?
- Don't worry about it, G-man.

We'll be fine. Come on, you!

- Gavin?
- Yes, Katie.

Is that the new area manager?

Yes, that's Craig
"The Falcon", erm, Falcon.

He creeps me out.

He's not at all how he comes across
in the newsletters.

Going somewhere nice?

Me and my Alan are looking
at booking a holiday.

15 years we have been going to
the same caravan park in Anglesey.

- Not again. Not after last summer.
- What happened last summer?

The on-site entertainment
wasn't my idea of entertaining.

They never are.

Normally they have this wonderful duet,
Lipstick and Lace.

Last year they replaced them
with this awful blue magician.

- He were a right mucky beggar.
- What did he do?

Lots of tricks
with his you-know-what.

My mate does the elephant
when he's had a few.

Pockets inside out, open your flies...

Andy stop it.
You're making me sick.

(Lisa) I know.

Yeah, same old, same old.
It's a load of old shit, really.

Anyway. I've got to go.
I'll ring you later when I get back.

Alright, I'll see you later then.

See you later, bye.

Bye, bye, bye, bye.

About bloody time.

3:49.

Thanks, love.

Alright.

Nah. They're all propaganda, these,
anyway.

- Where do you book your holidays?
- Ceefax.

What's Ceefax?

- You never heard of Ceefax?
- No.

What are you, five? Are you seriously
telling me you've never heard of Ceefax?

- Yes.
- Unbelievable.

Gentlemen,

this is Craig Falcon. New area manager.

And a close personal friend of mine.

- Alright, chief?
- Yeah, Craig and I go way back.

- Where's Margaret?
- Oh, she's on a break.

This deli looks like a bomb's hit it.

You've a good meat counter here.
One of the best I've seen.

Thanks. That, er, means a lot.

You'll appreciate this, Andy.

Last week, Stockport branch,
I went in to check out the meat counter.

You won't believe what the butcher
has next to braising steak.

Er, Stockport, God alone knows.

- Fillets.
- Oh!

In with the braising?

Fillets!

And you think you've heard it all. Hope
you marched him out there and then.

I've a mind to show him
how a real butcher does it.

Oh, that's, er...

I don't want to sound, er...

I mean... Do you want to
come for a drink with me?

Wow.

Yeah!

Come on, Jules.
Let's look at some fresh fish.

And tell Margaret to sort this out. I've
seen nicer-looking peppers in a skip.

I'm not sure but I think you just
asked him out on a date and he said no.

Shut up. I just asked him
if he fancied a beer.

Anyway, he said yes.

- Er, he just walked off.
- He said yes.

Oi! You've not come to my till once
today. You know how bored I've been?

It's not acceptable, Kieran.

Sorry. I've been busy.

You've got something on your...

Let's have a look. What...?

(laughs)

- What is that?
- I'm growing a beard.

It's supposed to grow on your chin
and your face.

Don't start.
I've had Andy on at me all morning.

You can't come to work like that
and expect me not to take the piss.

It's growing in clumps.
You've got alopecia of the face!

It just grows quicker on my top lip.
The rest will catch up.

Ooh!

Seriously, you need to shave that off.

I can't. It's Emma's idea.
She reckons it's dead Kings of Leon.

- They don't have beards any more.
- That's what I said.

You've given it a go.
It looks shite. Shave it off.

She'll be well annoyed.

I think you need to grow
a pair of balls.

Cheer up, Magnum, might never happen.

- A bit like your beard.
- (they laugh)

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, it just got funnier!

- Hiya.
- Hiya.

Oh, going abroad, are you, Margaret?

- We're thinking about it.
- Eh, you want to go to Magaluf.

It sounds very exotic.

Everyone's from Britain.
That's the beauty of it.

And you can sunbathe topless.

I had the boys out for two weeks solid.

I didn't know you had children.

No, the boys.

Had to put factor 50 on me nips, mind.

Didn't want them burning up
and dropping off.

- No, I suppose not.
- Right.

"Venus creates a harmonious mood
at work."

"Today is a great day to open up
and speak your mind."

"Constructive criticism
could lead to stronger friendship."

- What does that mean?
- You know exactly what it means.

Don't take this wrong, but your roots
need doing. Your hair looks shit lately.

(singsong) Supervisor to produce aisle.
Supervisor to produce aisle.

Don't look at me like that.
The paper said it, not me!

Sorry, Gavin. Balls on the table.
You run a good store here.

I can see why head office
holds you in high regard.

Thank you, I'm just doing my job.

Margaret?

We could be talking about
really important managerial issues.

- Should you be sitting here?
- Sorry...

Come on, she's alright, aren't you?

Margaret's part of our
Getting Seniors Back to Work scheme.

I didn't realise you let 20-year-olds
on that.

- Does your mum know you work here?
- Give over.

I'm serious!

She's dead.

You alright?

- Oh, don't be like this.
- I'm fine.

You're being petty.

Shit roots and petty. Nice.
Anything else to add?

You booking a holiday there, Margaret?

I'm trying, Gavin,
but it's so hard to choose.

Barbara and I used to go to Ireland,

um, every year. We did a motorbike tour
of the entire island of Ireland.

Nothing like seeing the country
from a sidecar.

I'm surprised you didn't see Julie
running around.

How do you mean?

You know Julie. Ireland. The whole...

No-one wants to know about my holidays.

I think you'd better be getting back.

Can't spend the whole day
yakking in here.

Come on. What's he like, eh?

Natter, natter, natter. Come on.

Riverdance is Irish, isn't it?

- Yes, Margaret.
- We'll not be going there then.

How can you relax
with all that hullabaloo?

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to speak out of turn.

It's just nobody here knows
about the whole Ireland thing.

I'd rather it stayed that way.

Of course. No worries.

Actually while you're here I was hoping
to have a word in your shell-like.

- Go on, I'm all ears.
- Mate at head office rang me last week.

Apparently I'm being investigated
over me expenses.

- They go over every detail.
- Political correctness gone mental.

Exactly. Remember you used to set up
weekly meetings with Mark Michaels?

From the Wigan branch.
Yes! Wigan Wednesdays!

Yes. They can't find any record of him.
Some glitch apparently.

I got all these expenses for a bloke
they think don't exist.

Typical.
That's why I don't trust computers.

I downloaded an album once.
Still can't find it on there.

- Do you know where the cat litter is?
- Yes, sir.

Excuse me, have you got this one
in the organic?

- No, sorry.
- It's not in the stockroom?

No. It's, er, it's on order.

Never mind.

- Thanks anyway.
- That's alright.

- Are we out of stock?
- I don't know, mate.

- Shall we go and check in the back?
- We could do.

I'm sure I've seen them somewhere.
I think to the left.

(chuckles)

Anyway, I get a bit worried,
because he's moved abroad, but then...

I realise I'm in the same place
as the woman who can put them right.

- Me?
- Yeah! You set up the meetings

- so you can set them straight.
- I get you.

But I don't think I ever actually met
Mark Michaels. Or spoke to him.

I'm a bit old for imaginary friends,
Jules.

I know that.

Sorry, what exactly
are you asking me to do?

- Just tell head office.
- That I haven't met him?

No, that you have.

- But I haven't. Have I?
- No!

But they don't know that.

- You'll get the buggers off my back.
- I can't lie to head office.

I'll be out on my ear. I'll be lucky
to end up at Lidl after that.

- You'll be alright!
- I can't do it. Sorry, I just can't!

Shh! Calm down. Calm down.

I'm sorry.

- It was wrong of me to ask.
- It's just the thought of Lidl.

You know... I couldn't do it.

That's 61 p change. Cheers.

- Where have you been with that?
- For a shit.

- Ugh!
- What?

- Nothing.
- I was reading it, not wiping my arse.

Disgusting.

(Kieran) What about somewhere in
Europe? You could have a city break.

- Somewhere like Barcelona.
- A city break? On holiday?

Oh, your generation.

I'd love to go to Barcelona,
see the Nu Camp.

Fat chance. Like Emma would let you go
to a football stadium on a holiday.

- She doesn't wear the trousers.
- She won't let you shave that mess off!

- Did you...?
- Sorry, it slipped out.

I thought I was working alongside a man.
A man with backbone and spunk.

Sounds like our burgers.

I like to put a little of myself
into my burgers.

Don't be disgusting.

- Too far, mate.
- At least I've got a spine.

I promised Emma I'd give it a go.

Relationships are about give and take.
You'd know that if you'd ever had one.

There's no woman out there
I'd hand over my face to.

She could have ten tits and a speedboat,
it wouldn't matter. Yes, my love?

- What would you do with ten tits?
- And a speedboat.

- You idiot.
- (laughs)

I hope this doesn't spell the end
of the health push.

The smoothie figures aren't
lighting up the sky either.

Sometimes people don't want
what's best for them.

Look at Jamie Oliver. He tries, but
all he gets his grief off dinner ladies.

- Is that the last of it?
- Yes, that's it.

I'll chuck in the Beamer.

I've got to say, I'm very impressed
today with both of you.

It's a far cry from the Warrington
branch of the '90s.

Oh, what a shithole that was.

- Thank you.
- What a lovely thing to say.

You've really straightened out
our Julie.

Especially after that Ireland saga.

- Craig!
- Ireland saga?

Ooh! I've said too much.

Sorry, I forgot you didn't
want anyone to know.

Don't worry, she's fine now.
Touch wood.

- It's a good book that.
- Really?

Mm. It turns out it's the first victim's
husband who's the killer.

Not the mental kid.

Enjoy.

Bit of Keane when I'm on the open road.
The Killers. You into them?

- No.
- Great. There's these new lads as well.

Mumford and Sons.

Give them a listen. They have changed
the way I look at this crazy world.

- Craig, can I have a word?
- Yeah.

- In private.
- Can't we do it here?

Not if you want to do it
without an iPod up your arse.

- Best be off then.
- Yeah.

- �3.50.
- A little less, please.

(Mexican accent) Hey, gringo,
one false move and I kill your mother.

- �2.68.
- That'll be lovely, thank you.

I'm offering to help you.

I can make sure nobody finds out
about what happened.

- It was years ago.
- Still,

shaving your head and disappearing to
Ireland just cos someone dumped you

hardly screams
dependable manager material.

You help me with my problem,
I help you with yours.

You'll be alright. Someone in Valco
must remember this Mark Michaels.

There is no Mark Michaels.

All those meetings were with ladies.

- When you say ladies...
- I can't help it.

I love women too much.

So much so that sometimes
I have to pay them for it.

- You mean Wigan Wednesdays...?
- Yes!

They were Prostitute Wednesdays!

(tannoy) A final reminder:

last chance to take advantage
of our 3-for-2 deals

on all Valco home-baked meat pies.

- They're bound to find out the truth.
- (laughs)

And you think, you actually think, I'll
be the only one going down if they do?

You were there.
You set up all the meetings.

You signed off all the receipts.
I'm not using the word "pimp", but...

I wasn't running around
with cheap hookers!

They were not cheap.
Most of them were middle to top end.

- For Wigan.
- You absolute shit!

My job is on the fucking line here.
We could both lose our jobs.

I have got a wife and child
to support.

You can help them with
one little phone call to head office.

- You're pathetic.
- Yeah?

I could also have you
transferred out of here.

You wouldn't.

Hopefully I won't have to.

Lidl.

Fine. I'll do it.

Thanks, mate.

I've got to get off
to the Berwick branch now.

(sighs)

Sorry for the wait, madam.

I checked the system
and they're �7.19 and...

You're not the customer
who asked about these, are you?

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Any luck with the holiday, Margaret?

Do you know what, I'm really
grateful for everybody's help,

but I think we'll stick with Anglesey.

- What about the blue magician?
- Just have to focus on his face.

We go all round the world and the only
place you want to go is Anglesey.

We have been going there 15 years
and we do know all the roads.

I'm sorry about earlier.

It's alright.
Your heart was in the right place.

It's your favourite.

Ah, thanks for this.

- Let's never do horoscopes again.
- Deal.

Can I have a bit? I'm starving?

Do what you like.

Thanks.

Everything alright, Julie?

- You're very quiet this afternoon.
- Yeah, fine.

Nothing to do with what Craig
was talking about earlier.

- The Ireland thing.
- No!

Gavin, have you ever lied to Valco?

Oh, no, no!

Not even a little white lie.

Ever? Well, erm, I did tell a bit of a
porkie on my initial application form.

- I said I could play the piano.
- Did you put them straight on it?

No. Barbara decided I should learn to
play the piano before the interview.

So it wasn't really a lie then.

No, I suppose not.

I don't think I'd ever lie to Valco.

In some ways it'd be
like lying to a family member.

Sounds a bit silly.

No, it doesn't, Gavin.
You're right.

I'm sorry,
I just need to do something.

- Yes, mate, what can I get you?
- Three pork chops, please.

What?

Three pork chops, mate?

It's my word against his but I can't
let an area manager get away with it.

I realise I may have to go to prison,
but sometimes...

Oh, you already know?

Well, make sure
you throw the book at him.

OK. Love you, bye.

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

Yes! Yes!

- Ready then?
- Whoa!

- The normal Kieran is back.
- Yeah, I shaved it off.

The bullying from certain people
was getting a bit too much.

Plus it looked shit.

You won't get a job
on the waltzers now.

Another dream over.

What do you think Emma will say?

Bothered?

You're so grounded!

Just tell her it didn't suit me and that
I wear the trousers in our relationship.

What will you really say?

I'll tell her the lads pinned me down
and shaved it off.

(laughs)

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