Original subtitles

- I'll come round and cook it. - We have 17 varieties of papadom.

Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.

- Loads of 2-for-1s. - Service with a smile.

- Fresh produce... - ..delivered daily.

- The Valco tick. - That way.

- Valco! - I wasn't ready.

Valco. Serves you right!

(all) Valco. Serves you right!

It's stuck on something.

There you go, my love.

That's the tenth lamb neck I've sold today.

What's the big mither with lamb neck? Only got two left.

Didn't you watch MasterChef?

They made lamb's neck stew with goji berries. Whatever they are.

Bloody brilliant. I might have known Wallace and Torode

were behind the pain in my arse.

Can't use a leg, it's got four of them.

No, we'll go for the neck, it's only got one. Cheers, you bastards.

- So they all taste like shit? - All of them.

And you had to drink half of each bottle.

To make sure, innit?

What? You think I'd bring them back without checking?

- Smells alright to me. - You calling me a liar?

We get this rubbish off customers, but you work here.

- Got the same rights as them. - Got a receipt?

- Yeah. - Where is it?

- In the car. - Why don't you go and get it then?

Why don't you? I'm in the middle of something.

Sorry, no refunds without a receipt, Julie would do her nut.

Right, sack it! I'll drink the bastards.

Knob.

Ah, brilliant. New one's out.

You're into cycling? Me too.

I can't wait to sit down with this when I get home

with a nice glass of water.

What sort of bike do you have?

I've got a Vitesse carbon frame 460.

(whistles feebly)

Nothing better than taking it out on the road.

- Tell me about it. - What have you got then?

No, let me guess. Er, Pearson VR.

BMX.

It used to be my little brother's

but he's too big for it now, so it's mine.

Getting really good at wheelies and skids.

I do fall off quite a bit still but I just like cycling.

Well, that's not really cycling per se, is it? It's more... It's...

Listen, these magazines are looking a bit messy, Leighton.

Think you could spruce them up a little?

- Yes, boss. - Great.

- 1 ,000%. - Well, great.

- 2,000%. - Well, even better.

Whoa, sorry, no supermodels allowed back here. This is staff only.

- It's me, Andy. Margaret. - Bloody hell, it is an' all.

It's not.

- It is! I thought it were Kate Moss. - Well, I have had my hair done.

Going somewhere nice?

My neighbour Jean has got a Skype machine.

- A what? - Skype machine.

Sounds like something from the future.

They're very simple once you have them explained to you.

It's sort of like a microwave

but it lets you talk to anybody anywhere round the world.

Bloody hell. I never had you down as a silver surfer.

It's our Louise's idea.

We're calling them at lunchtime and my Alan is putting on his suit.

Louise is the one in Canada?

Yeah, we talk to them every week on the phone

but it's my granddaughter's first day at school

and she wants me to see her uniform and I want her to see mine.

- Give us a twirl, Anthea. - Ooh!

There she goes.

(laughs)

The new lettering will still be in the same colours

but in a different font.

I'll hazard a guess at Times New Roman.

New lettering? Why don't you put it in Comic Sans?

It's only for senior management at the moment though.

Yes, mum's the word.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, I bet it's Helvetica. It's really come out of nowhere of late.

It's hard to find anyone

who doesn't consider it one of the big four fonts.

I might make it to the Christmas do this year, Gavin.

Maybe I'll see you there. Regards to your wife.

Yes, let's definitely have that game of tennis this year.

Gavin, doesn't he know?

Well, these things happen. He's head office.

Barbara's passing probably hasn't got back to him yet.

- It won't if you haven't told him. - It's a bit late to say anything now.

- I feel I might embarrass him. - For you, Gavin.

People thinking Barbara's still alive can't be good.

You need to get closure on these things.

Dr Hilary swears by it.

It's... absolutely fine. Really.

Oh, hey.

Where would we be without the humble lever arch?

I woke up this morning shaking.

And I didn't eat all my pudding last night.

Don't worry. It's just like talking on the phone.

It's not though, Andy.

It's like being on television in Canada.

To an audience of three family members.

I'm that nervous.

I've written myself a list

so I don't forget what I want to remember.

You'll be alright, Margaret. Dead normal now talking online.

Lesley Grantham was the pioneer. Now they're all at it.

It'll just look like this.

Oh, I wouldn't be on telly for a gold clock.

Not since Countdown.

- (both) You were on Countdown? - Yes.

- How did you get on? - Fine.

- What was the conundrum? - Erm, albatross.

- Did you win? - No, I were in the audience.

Nobody ever wins from the audience. Haven't you seen it before?

Last day to day. Are you gonna miss us?

Yeah, I didn't realise how fascinating refitting the fridge seals could be.

(Jamie) See, we're alright, us shop fitters.

Some of us can even string a sentence together.

Well, one of us at least.

Is that real, that barcode on his hand?

Yeah, it's baked beans. Heinz, four-pack.

- They're his mum's favourite food. - No.

Seriously, do you want me to grab him and scan him for you?

You're lying.

I'm not, why would I lie to you? See you later.

See ya.

- Hey. - You alright?

- Have you got Closer? - Don't think so.

Meant to be a new issue out today.

Oh, the magazine Closer. We've got that, it's under C.

Why is it all done by alphabet?

Well, I have had a little brainwave.

Rather than having it in sections,

which if you ask me, is a little bit crazy,

I'm in the process of alphabeticising everything.

I think it could revolutionise Valco.

Even the whole publishing industry maybe.

I mean, slow down, but maybe.

- Does your mum know you're out? - Yeah.

(laughs) Fucking nuts. Jesus.

Rude.

- Excuse me, get that moved. - I've already got a boss, thanks.

Very funny. I'm sure we'll all laugh when a kid trips on that

and smashes his face off, laughing all the way to court.

- Alright, cool your boots. - Why you can't do this at night?

If you want to pay our overtime, we'll happily do it.

Just get on with it.

Pair of bastards.

There you go, one lamb neck.

That's the thing from the telly last night.

That's what my Alan is doing for our tea.

You an' all?

We always have a little joke when MasterChef's on.

I'll said to him, "That's you now, Alan."

You know, since he started cooking. He'll say, "Yes, it is." (laughs)

You're doing lamb's neck with goji berries?

Yeah! Not the goji berries.

Alan said, "I'm not having that muck in my house."

So, lamb's neck with...

Oh, no, not lamb's neck, no, thank you.

- No, we've gone with chops. - Lamb chops?

No, pork.

I'm scared to death of flying.

Came back from Vietnam the other year.

Bought some sleeping tablets from over the counter. Rohypnol.

So, technically you date-raped yourself.

Technically I did, yeah. Actually, I wasn't too bad.

(laughs)

Alright?

You just missed Andy telling Margaret Canada contains nine per cent

of the world's renewable water supply.

Cos Margaret just loves them Canada facts.

- I'll see you later. - See ya.

- Rat's tail. - Your point is?

Nothing. Nothing. Just seems a bit... Rat's tail.

- Stop it! It's a ponytail. - Oh, it's a ponytail, is it?

- What's wrong with having a ponytail? - Nothing. Nothing.

- If you're an estate agent or magician. - He's really nice actually.

- I'm sure he is, actually. - Shut up, he's a laugh.

Aye.

He asked me out for a drink.

- And you're going? - I've got nothing else to do.

He's a workman.

He only does it so he can go travelling. He's been all over.

- (snorts) - What?

- What? - What?

What?

- See you later. - Off you go.

Get back to your meat.

- He seems alright to me. - How would you know?

I had a chat with him outside.

- I had a ponytail when I was young. - It's hardly a ponytail.

It'd fly out the back when I was on the bike.

- You were a biker? - Hell's Angel.

Used to hang out with the Wigan chapter.

Couldn't keep up with them though, not pedalling.

- Very good. - I do miss the long hair though.

- I used to look like Fabio. - Who's Fabio?

Who's Fabio? Put it this way, if there was a gun to my head

and I had to choose one fella to go with, he's the one.

Jesus.

He looks more like a lady than half the women who work in here.

Anyone else on your big gay list we should know about?

- There's a gun to my head, remember? - Of course. So?

- Botham. - You really love him, don't you?

There's a gun to my head. This is about danger, not love.

So, would you give or receive Beefy?

He's a knight of the realm, he'd have to receive.

And it wouldn't be over quickly, I tell you that.

Why, exactly?

You can tell, he makes love the way he plays cricket.

Once both Botham gets to the crease and opens his shoulders,

you could be there all day.

Ooh, I feel sick.

Yeah...

You're as bad as Lee. He was on about her.

"She's fit, that bird from the Pussycat Dolls."

I'm like, "If she's so fit,

bog off and see if she'll put up with your snoring and your curry arse."

Why not try our goat's cheese frittata

from our Treat Yourself range? Delicious served hot or cold.

Right, even if it is make-up, you've got to admit she is pretty.

She's a dog, Linda.

Yoo-hoo, come and sit here, Gavin.

Words are amazing, aren't they?

Yeah, they're certainly useful. Good book?

I read it last year. I thought it'd be more about Morse

but it turns out it's about grief and acceptance.

And some bits about The Sweeney that went totally over my head.

This yoghurt is running rings round me.

I think they might have changed the adhesive.

Did you know Sheila Hancock was married to John Thaw?

But stayed Hancock. A very strong woman.

- A bit like myself. - Were you gonna say something?

It really makes you think that when someone dies,

well, they've gone, haven't they?

I'll have to swap this for a plain one.

I don't know what I was thinking about in the first place. Maria!

He looks quite dashing with that little ponytail.

Something to hang on to.

He's been cracking on to Kieran's little friend

and it's making him cry.

- Which little friend? - Katie.

You won't like that, will you, Kieran? You're sweet on her, aren't you?

She's a girl and she's my mate. That is possible.

People always say that but not in my experience.

Me and my Alan tried to be friends at first

but in the end, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Anyway, newsflash, I do already have a girlfriend.

- Do I detect a blue-eyed monster? - It's green-eyed monster.

Whatever colour its eyes are, it's jealous.

What have I got to be jealous of?

A big manly fitter with massive wandering workmen hands.

Ooh, better stick him on that list of men you want to shag then.

With a gun to my head.

- Have you got any lamb's neck? - Oh, for f... Yes. Yes.

Excuse me. Have you got any more goji berries in the back?

No. They've... They've moved to aisle six.

They're always moving stuff in here.

I know. It's a bastard, isn't it, whenever you want goji berries?

- Thanks. - Alright, see ya.

When I broke up with the bastard, it was really hard.

But I'm so over it now. I haven't given him second thought.

And he's alive and well and living in Stockton Heath.

Oh, shuts like a dream.

- Sorry, Julie, you were saying? - Time's a great healer.

Today he's got three screaming kids and a fat wife.

And I've got a new build with double sinks all to myself.

Who's the loser now?

Listen, I know that Barbara is no longer with me.

I know, Gavin. But people thinking she's still alive... Bit morbid.

Wrong word. Sorry.

I just think you might want to set the record straight.

I will deal with it when I see fit.

Right.

(laughter)

(Andy) Oh, bloody hell.

Margaret's left her list.

"Hello, wave, spin round."

She'll be all over the shop without that.

(chuckles) Brilliant. Listen, I'll give you a million quid

if you can guess what the first question is.

Er... Have you seen any bears?

How the bloody hell did you...?

Just trying to think how Margaret thinks.

- Cash only, please, big man. - No, null and void, I'm afraid.

It says "Have you met any bears." So...

- Come off it. - "Are the beavers nice?"

"Do the Mounties really ride horses?" (laughs)

Oh, well done, Leighton.

I can honestly say I can only remember four other occasions

when the magazine section has looked this tidy.

Thank you. Thank you.

You got your Empire there. It's in the wrong section.

- That's where it goes now. - Sorry?

That's where Empire goes, under E.

Leighton, have you alphabeticised the entire magazine section?

Yeah.

Are you out of your mind? Look at it. Look!

Cycling Weekly in between Country Living and Doctor Monthly.

- God, it's chaos. - I just thought it made more sense.

Maybe in some crazy alternative universe

where magazine classification went out the window. But not at Valco.

I've messed up, haven't I?

(splutters) I'm sorry, Leighton. I didn't mean to fly off the handle.

- I'm such a wally. - No, no, no.

In many ways, what you've done kind of makes sense.

It really does look smashing.

Wrong, but smashing.

Katie. Where do you fancy going tonight, then?

Food, beer, something else?

(Katie) Beer's fine.

- That's a cheap date. - Inexpensive date.

Where can we go that's good?

- Erm, Manchester. - Actually, yeah. Let's do it.

We'll meet up in town and train it to Manchester.

Have a little adventure.

I would, but I've got to be here at eight. It's quite early.

I didn't realise you were so dedicated to your job.

I'm not.

It's alright, I get it. You can't really do this, beep, with a hangover.

You've got to have your head screwed on for that.

It's harder than it looks. I had to train for an hour for that.

- What? - Just looking.

OK.

Bloody MasterChef.

You could put them all on a boat for me and send them out to sea.

- Wallace, Torode, Oliver, Ramsay. - Pierre White.

You don't put him on the boat, he's a man's man, him.

Get Fearnley-Whittingstall on there.

Pissing about, making his own chickens.

Putting people like us out of a job.

Can we just stop using words for a while?

You forgot your list. By the time we realised, you'd have been home.

List, schmist. I didn't need it.

I were like Dumbo with his feather. Well, I could fly anyway.

It went alright then?

I had to tell my Alan to straighten his tie

but other than that, it was absolutely smashing.

There were our Louise, little Madeleine.

Then my son-in-law John popped back in because he'd forgotten his keys.

- It were lovely. - How did the uniform go down?

Little Maddy, she said,

"Grandma, you look like the lady who works in the supermarket."

I were as pleased as punch.

And she were all grown up with her little tie on and shirt.

- (sobs) - Hey, it's alright.

Just to remind all our customers

- there's a fabulous offer on sausages. - Jack! Jack

Sizzlingly sensational.

Look, I'm sorry, I take it back.

- I was making assumptions based on... - Based on what?

- His hair. - Can we move past the hair now?

Good idea, let's move on.

I hate it when they put me on a different till.

That chair fits my arse loads better.

- Were you just talking to Jamie? - The fit fitter? Yeah, and?

- No reason. - Has he asked you out?

Frig me. I told him he'd be wasting his breath.

- I said you'd tell him to shove it. - You said what?

Yeah, him and his mate with the tats have got a bet.

A bet?

Yeah. The one who shags the most till girls before they leave

wins 20 quid.

(Kieran) You know this because?

I had both of them. I thought, why not?

Did he spin you his travelling bollocks?

He said he was going to do that. He said you'd be too hard to crack otherwise.

He saw that travel book you've always got.

- Oh, God. - He did the same with me.

Saw me eating chips, asked if I liked chips.

He's got all the patter, that fucker.

- I'm sorry. - It's fine.

- It's not, he's a dick. - Fucking rat's tail.

Do you want me to get you trained up on the till?

- I was just passing. - You spend a lot of time just passing.

Now hop it back to meat.

Don't worry about it. You didn't miss much.

It's like throwing a sausage up Bridge Street.

You've reached Peter Blake. Please leave a message after the tone.

Hi, Peter.

Gavin here. Just a quick one to let you know

that my wife Barbara passed away some time ago.

I haven't wanted to say but I just wanted you to know.

Wouldn't want you expecting her at the Christmas do.

Anyway, just so you know, we got your PA's email

and we're all looking forward to seeing the new Valco signage

going up in Cambria bold.

Well, who'd have thought it? Exciting times.

- Alright, mate? - Yeah, you?

Yeah. I heard you're taking Katie out tonight.

- Maybe. - You know what else I heard?

- Don't know, what? - She knows you're a dick.

- (Jamie) Get off me! - (Julie) Out now.

We will not tolerate abusive behaviour towards our staff. Now out!

- Oh, my God, are you alright? - Yeah.

Oh, my God, you didn't?

- (chuckles) - Kieran.

- Do you want a bag for it? - (chuckles)

The bastard.

Delete.

Jealous. I'm always cutting other bloke's hair off when I'm not jealous.

Is that when you're not shagging them with a gun to your head?

- Ooh, three's a crowd. - Alright, Van Damme?

- Drink? - Not doing anything else, am I?

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