All language subtitles for Trollied s01e02 Leannes Visit.eng

- I'll come round and cook it.
- We have 17 varieties of papadom.

Offers on everything
from booze to biscuits.

- Loads of 2-for-1s.
- Service with a smile.

- Fresh produce...
- ..delivered daily.

- The Valco tick.
- That way.

- Valco!
- I wasn't ready.

Valco. Serves you right!

(all) Valco. Serves you right!

- Do you want these, love?
- Yes, please.

- They're called olives.
- Oh.

(whistles)

You've been whistling the same song
for over two hours!

- Whistling helps me think.
- What about?

- How much my head weighs.
- Oh, my God!

People are always weighing
themselves, but not in separate bits.

I reckon my head must weigh

- about two or three stone.
- Really?

- Imagine how much your arse weighs.
- (laughs) I'll get back to you on that.

No, it's probably force of habit.

I always whistle
when I work on the boat.

- It's not a real boat.
- Try telling that to my crew.

- It's not a real crew.
- Here you are.

Sonic Ken bobbed round the other
night to help me glue the radar.

- She's coming on.
- What's that bit? The garden?

No, I dropped a sandwich
on the flight deck before it had dried.

It's a long story.

I'll have to work out
where the Harriers can land.

See, I've made a start on them.

- How's the dog?
- I tell you, if I go in one more time

and see that bastard
has chewed up owt else,

- I'll have him put down.
- He's probably lonely.

Lonely?! You want to see him
go at my cushions.

That is not a lonely dog.

This is a reminder to our customers

that Valco Treat Yourself Mini-bites
are currently three for �5.

So, go on, treat yourself.

Don't he hurt his winkle
on those glittery cushions?

- Yeah.
- (both laugh)

Sick of listening to Andy, a grown
man, going on about a toy boat.

- On about that again?
- He's got a picture of it.

- Carries it on him.
- Really?

Why can't he have a normal hobby?

- Cos this is Andy.
- But a toy boat, what's the point?

Women do like a man with a boat.

What kind of woman
is gonna go near him?

I'd shag him.

Wouldn't let him do back door, though.
Not a butcher.

Right, now, Margaret.

About your getting
seniors back to work training.

- I want to...
- (laughs)

Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.

If you'd have been there
you'd have been laughing, too.

Been where? Where was that then?

Last night,
I went home into the back kitchen

and there's my Alan
cooking the potatoes!

(both laugh)

Can you imagine? It was so funny.

Right, yes. Actually, I don't.

- Were they funny potatoes?
- He'll be on Ready Steady Cook next.

I think you probably
had to have been there.

As I was saying, training.

I think you might be ready
to make a tannoy announcement.

It's just to promote a special offer
on all our soft drinks.

I've never done
public speaking before.

- What if I get booed?
- Look, you'll be fine.

The main thing to do is just to get
in the zone and just stay focused.

- Focused, right, OK.
- Yeah, focused.

- I've got that, Gavin.
- Right, OK.

- Colin!
- What?

Shouldn't you be stocking up
aisle four?

Chillax, I'm on my way.

I'm the most chillaxed person in Valco.

(laughs) Yeah, alright.
I wish I was on what you're on.

FYI, Colin, the closest
I've been to drugs

is Bob Marley's Greatest Hits.
And what a waste of money that was.

They all sound the same.

- I was just saying hello to Leanne.
- Leanne?

- Has she come back to work?
- Hey, chillax.

- Where is she?
- She's up there.

(all coo)

- She's a big girl.
- Yes, she is. She's lovely!

Leanne!

OMG!

- Great to see you.
- And you.

You smell all mumsy.

- Isn't she lovely?
- She is, my darling Isabel.

There you go, have a hold.
There's your Auntie Julie.

I always worry when I hold a baby
in case I drop it.

You know like when
you're near the edge of a cliff

and you feel like you might throw
yourself off onto the rocks below.

Hello, stranger!

What a lovely surprise! (laughs)

- You alright?
- Yes.

- Oh, isn't she beautiful.
- This is Uncle Gavin.

Hello!

- You coming back?
- Not yet, no.

(growls) Curses!

(growls)

- Maybe soon.
- Oh, good, good.

You'll be relieved to know
that when you abandoned the ship,

it was left in safe hands.

Oh. Erm... I thought
we'd discontinued the Frunch line.

- So did I.
- Night staff again!

One GCSE between the lot of them.

Any idea why they're still there,
Julie?

I was just seeing to it.

Oh, Leanne, we've missed you.
It's just so good to see you.

- Oh, thank you.
- Now, how old... how old is she?

I'd just like to remind our customers

about our special
buy one get one free offer...

- Julie.
- Yes, Leighton?

A customer has put that she would like
tuna sandwich spread,

but we're out of stock. What can I use?

Just put in a similar spread.

Look.
Here, crab, that's a bit like tuna.

- OK.
- Now hurry up.

- The vans leave in an hour.
- Right, low-fat mayonnaise.

Crab.

Any customers
wishing to take advantage

of our special loyalty card promotion,

there is a member of staff
in our store entrance

only too willing to assist
with any enquiries.

- Collecting Vouchers for Schools?
- What school?

Any school round here.

- The one by our estate?
- Dunno.

No, thanks, they're evil
little bastards in that school.

They piss through your letterbox.

We've all been caught short
once in a while.

I pissed in me handbag once.

- Is this your trolley?
- No.

- You hear about pineapples?
- No.

Eating them makes your jizz
taste sweeter. Read it in a dentist.

- You're joking?
- No.

Please put the items in the bag.

Just a reminder to all customers

that today's special offer is 50%
off all Valco hair dye. Thank you.

(both laugh)

Funny.

- What do you think of her?
- Who?

That woman there

Has she nicked something?

- No, forget it, this is weird.
- No, go on.

I was just wondering,

you never ask why
you're still on your own at your age?

At my age? I'm in my prime, mate.

I can do 50 press-ups without
breaking sweat. Well, in winter.

- You're building boats with Sonar Ken.
- Sonic Ken.

Where are the women in your life?

Don't you want someone to grow
old with? Well, older.

There are loads of women in my life.

My address book is like
a Who's Who of people I know.

Not women, a woman.
You totally need a woman.

No, I don't,
not now I've got broadband.

(laughs)

(laughter / chatter)

Oh!

We'll be putting a uniform on you
if you stop any longer, Leanne.

- Bye, Sonia.
- Take care.

Do you know, Leanne,
motherhood really suits you.

- You look stunning.
- Do I?

You've kept your figure
and everything.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you look ten years younger

- since you've had... thingy.
- Isabel.

Isabel. You looked a little bit
run down when you worked here.

Don't take any notice about what
the child experts in The Mail say.

What do they say?

Apparently, kids with working mums
never seem to do as well at school.

- Well, you can't believe all you read.
- Exactly. Ooh! (laughs)

- Well, lovely to see you, Leanne.
- And you.

I can't wait till you come back to work.

Take care.

- Oh, you might want to just wipe its...
- Oh.

- Leighton, I need a favour.
- You haven't seen a customer

- looking for a trolley they don't have?
- That's the weirdest thing you've said.

- It's full of nappies and pineapples.
- Oh, no, you've topped it.

- Can I borrow your laptop?
- Yeah, it's in my bag.

Use the grey one because
the black one hasn't got a screen.

- You alright, Margaret?
- I'm in the zone.

What zone?

- I'm not sure.
- Excellent.

This is a special notice
to all Valco customers.

Hurry down to our
fresh fruit and veg aisle

where you'll find brilliant bargains
on all leafy greens.

Don't miss out on today's special offer
on our Valco Treat Yourself range.

Delicious summer berry puddings,
2-for-1.

A fabulous summer treat.

DesperatelySeekingSomeone.co.uk?

As good a place as any
to find a woman for Andy.

- What about her?
- Too young.

- Alright. Her?
- Way too young.

- What about her? She's alright.
- Don't think so.

- What?
- Smuggling peanuts.

- What?!
- Check them nips out.

So what? She's a freak
just cos she's not wearing a bra?

Yeah. It's a dating website.

No one's going to read the book
if they've already seen the film.

- You actually thought about this?
- Yep.

- Amazing.
- Thanks.

Sorry, mate. Seven items or less.

This had better be worth it.
I've left the counter unmanned.

- It's not, Margaret's covering.
- Exactly.

Right, what do you think... to her?

- What do you mean?
- Well, do you like the look of her?

- She's alright. Bit old for me though.
- She's in her fifties.

Exactly, no good for me.

- I'm a BILF.
- A what?

- A BILF. Butchers I'd Like to...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You want to have sex with butchers?

- No, I mean women who like butchers
who I'd like to....

- No. I...
- Look, what do you think of Carole?

- She likes good wines.
- Alchy.

- Good food.
- Gannet.

- Walking dogs.
- Lesbian.

So, what sort of woman
would you go for?

Well, she'd have to be fit and deaf,
the perfect combo.

She'd have to have seen
all the Rambos.

- Deaf?!
- Yeah.

Deaf women have extra taste buds,
it's a well-known fact.

She wouldn't be able
to get enough of my meat.

Anyway, why would I want
a web woman?

Is this what you've dragged me away
from the counter for?

- Keep your wig on.
- Jesus, kids! Get a life!

- Andy just told us to get a life.
- Yeah, I think he did.

In your case, he's got a point.

- Says the dickhead who...
- Shh!

- You'll say something stupid.
- You don't wanna do that.

He had this finger
up a chicken's arsehole before.

Smell that!
Whoa, she looks like John Motson.

- Look at that.
- Wow!

See you later.

Who'd leave a trolley like that?

It's probably been left
by one of them weirdoes

- that likes to dress up as a baby.
- And the pineapples?

Probably shoves it up his arse
to make himself come quicker.

I just put my little finger up my Lee's.
I think he likes the surprise.

Just to remind all customers,

there is a special 2-for-1 offer
on Valco soft drinks. Thank you.

Ooh! Excuse me, Gavin.

I don't want to sound ignorant,
but what's this horrible stuff?

Unless I'm very much mistaken,
it's tofu.

Hang on, I am mistaken,
that's marinated tofu.

Tofu, right.
I thought it were a strange cheese.

It's easy
to get these things confused.

Life would be a lot easier
if it was just...

I had a look and I thought,
"What's this?"

I had a think, and I thought
it's a strange cheese.

It's not, it's tofu.

Then I thought maybe
it's not a strange cheese.

Maybe it's something else
and I don't know what.

Well, we all live and learn.

Then I saw you passing
and I thought,

"I know what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna ask Gavin."

- But you say it's not a cheese?
- No, it's tofu.

Tofu? Case closed.

Look, I don't want to propel you
into the future,

but we'll be doing your tannoy
announcement at about 4pm.

4pm. OK, Gavin. I'll get focused.

Right, I'll write it down. Right,
where's my Wills and Katie pen.

Oh, Gavin, can I borrow your... pen?

Laughing your head off at something
that's not even remotely funny.

That's what happens when you have
about one hour's sleep.

Just to let you know, all that stock's
been taken off the shelves.

Good, thank you.

- Leanne looked well, didn't she?
- Yes.

Always very presentable.

I bet she'll really miss
her baby when she comes back here.

- If she comes back.
- If?

She just seemed so happy
as a full-time mum.

- Not working.
- Yes.

Very easy nature, Leanne.

- Well respected by all the staff.
- We're so alike. We could be sisters.

(laughs)

- Excuse me. Could you...
- Sorry, sweetheart, I'm on my break.

There you go.

Come on, how long is it since
you've been out with a woman?

A proper relationship.

- Bet you've forgotten what to do.
- Listen, pal.

Little Andy knows exactly what to do.
He's seen plenty of action.

- What's it to do with you, beaky?
- If it's a touchy subject...

For your information, around about
the time Rod Hull fell off his roof.

12 years ago.

12 years ago?!

Bet you can't even get past first base.

I can have any woman
eating out of my hand.

Big talk, big man. You alright?

- Go on, you have it.
- I can't, I'm sticking to my diet.

Sue, you've just had a beef burger
and a lasagne.

But I can't have chips
except on Saturdays.

Is that what your diet is,
no chips six days a week?

Yeah, it's killing me. I suppose
one chip's not gonna hurt, though.

Ask her.

We forgot to ask Leanne
when she's coming back to work.

- Do you know?
- I've no idea.

- Could be weeks off or tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

Should give you all enough time
to put up the bunting.

Oh, God, I hope she's not
coming back that soon.

Thank you, Sue!

It's nice to know someone appreciates
me being interim manager,

- even if...
- No, I'm knitting her baby a suit

and I can't have that finished
by tomorrow. I need about a month.

- You're still on the leg?
- Yeah. Dropping stitches like farts.

Oh, er... Don't I know you?

- Erm, do you?
- From the orphans charity.

I'm always down there raising funds.

- I'm the Bob Geldof of Valco.
- Without the hair.

No, sorry, you must be thinking
of someone else.

Can I have a pound
of braising steak, please?

Course you can. You know,
you're spoiling that fella of yours.

- It's just for me.
- No... no fella?

Divorced.

How could he give up
a beautiful woman like you?

- It weren't Stevie Wonder, was it?
- (laughs)

Here, a little tip for you. Pop in
a splash of red wine just at the end.

You wouldn't like to come round
and cook it for me as well?

I can do better for that. Dinner for two
tonight at the Bridge Steakhouse.

Oh, aye? I bet the only thing
you're interested in is the afters.

The only afters I'm after
is their sticky toffee pudding.

Well, erm...

- Yeah, why not then?
- Great.

Give us your number.

- Just in case you're running late.
- OK.

OK.

- OK.
- Thank you very much, Michelle.

Ma belle. Ding-dong.
See you at 8:00pm, gorgeous.

Yeah. See you later, Andy.

Happy now?

(whistles)

A final reminder to all our customers,

last chance to take advantage
of our 3-for-2 deals

on all Valco home-baked fruit pies.
For today only.

I'll tell you who left it,
big fat Chinese fella, that's who.

How do you know that?

Nappies, because he's got a bunch
of kids to make up for the fact

they're only allowed one
in their homeland.

Pineapples give you the squits
so he's obviously trying to lose weight.

He'll bung the leftovers
in the sweet and sour. Case closed.

So why did he leave his trolley?

He probably got a troubling
phone call and had to run out.

The things that go on in this place.

Sonia on the tills told me
a pigeon once flew in here.

It did, yeah, last year. March.

- The 11th.
- Oh, I wish I'd have seen it.

Oh, it's Tommy Cooper all over again.

I nipped in kitchen to make
a cup of tea, come back,

there's Tommy dead on the stage.

(sighs) It's the story of my life!

Oh, Julie.

Are you responsible for replacing
all the Frunch products with this?

- Yes.
- So this display was your idea?

Don't tell me,
Leanne would have done it better.

- Macadamia nuts and fruit bars.
- I'll take them off, then.

It is a triumph.

- Is it?
- Oh, yes. It's a brilliant idea.

Fresh macadamia nuts
and fruit bars together.

It's... so out of the box.

I thought I'd show a bit of initiative.

Well done, Julie. Really well done.

I'm so glad
you're not still angry with me.

- Angry?
- Earlier, with the display.

Honestly, Gavin, I thought
you absolutely hated me.

Oh, well, it's just a minor oversight.
It happens to us all.

You may not believe this, but I once
put out a special offer display

of tuna chunks in brine instead of
tuna chunks in sunflower oil.

- No?!
- I know! I just...

God's honest truth.

I don't know how you do it, Gavin.

Every time I feel low,
you come along and pick me up.

- Oh, well.
- We make a good team, you and me.

- Well...
- We're like Ross and Rachel.

Ross and Rachel, sorry,
are they friends of yours?

Friends of mine! (laughs)

- Hilarious!
- (laughs)

Right. Well, you know,
well done, Julie.

Really well done.

You really are happy as you are,
aren't you?

As a shitty pig.
Oh, by the way, five stone.

- What's five stone?
- My arse.

(whistles)

Just stay focused.

(distorts) I'd like to remind
all... Valco customers

that we have a special
2-for-1 offer

on our own-brand soft drinks today.

Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Bye-bye.

- (laughs)
- Well done, Margaret!

Gavin, I couldn't have done it
without you.

You can let go now, please.

Yes, madam, how can I help?

- Guess who?
- I hope you haven't

had your hand up a chicken's arse.

Yep, I have.
I think they quite like it.

- You're sick.
- I think I quite like it.

You're really sick then.

I need to wash my hands, though.
They stink.

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