Original subtitles

- I'll come round and cook it. - We have 17 varieties of papadom.

Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.

- Loads of 2-for-1s. - Service with a smile.

- Fresh produce... - ..delivered daily.

- The Valco tick. - That way.

- Valco! - I wasn't ready.

Valco serves you right!

(all) Valco serves you right!

So these are what we like to call the aisles.

You go through this at your induction.

Everything's so clean! It's like Heaven... but with tins!

You have worked in a supermarket?

- No, this is my first job. - Ever?

Unless you count going to school.

Not sure I agree with this getting seniors back to work scheme.

I mean, no offence, but supermarket work's a young woman's game.

Hey,... we may not be so young,

but people like you and me have plenty of life experience.

I'm 42, you cheeky bitch!

Sorry.

Margaret.

Hi.

- Do you need some help with your bags? - No, thank you. Get off!

Thank you.

I'm just saying if they carry on at the rate they're going,

20 years from now every motorway will be at least 15 lanes wide.

- Why? - More people, more cars.

Where will the cars go? More lanes.

- But 15? It's not Mario Kart! - Not yet, my friend. Not yet

- I can't listen to this crap again. - Run away from the truth.

- What can I get you? - Pound of sausages.

Okey-dokey.

Please put the items in the bag.

- Boo! - Jesus!

- What are you doing? - Put this through for me.

You've got to be kidding. Is that for you?

Yeah. For Fat Beth's house warming. What's wrong with it?

- It's from a supermarket. - And?

It's not snobby to say that a shirt from the Valco range is shit!

Aye, these are quality shirts at low, low prices.

- And you get a free newspaper. - Really?

- Still not doing it. - What?

You'll thank me one day, trust me.

OK,... you can put it back, then.

Kieran! Kieran.

Sorry, I can't hear you, you're breaking up.

Please put the items in the bag.

Now, Julie, I don't know if you got the memo,

but head office want us to push the loyalty cards.

Apparently, the public don't trust them since this whole Panorama...

- Is that work related? - The seating plan for tomorrow.

I've put you between me and my sister, Ursula.

A rose between two thorns.

Can we just stick to the loyalty cards for now.

- Is that an order, Gavin? - In a way it is.

God! You're such an alpha male at times!

- You remind me of Sean Bean. - Oh, don't be silly.

- Sean Bean, really? - Yes.

Thank you. Sean Bean.

Fuck!

- Bette Midler? - 60.

- 65. - She's got to have had work done.

- Woody Allen? - Who copped off with his daughter?

- Step-daughter. - Dirty old perv.

Yeah. Filthy git.

Just to remind our customers there's a special 3 for 2 offer

on all Valco own brand kitchen wipes.

Today only. Thank you. Mind you, I gave me cousin a hand job once.

- What? - Yeah, in a caravan.

- Wanking... - I did.

- You want a hand with your packing? - No thanks, love.

I can't believe they're shutting it down.

Did you hear about it? Simply Hats has closed down.

- Good luck finding a hat now. - We'll get through a day at a time.

Karen's youngest says you can buy them online now

Imagine that, a hat you haven't even tried on!

- I don't think it's right. - Yeah, mental!

A woman on Place In The Sun bought a house on the internet. A House!

- This is Bratwurst. - Please.

Yeah. There you go, chief.

- Oop. Heads! - Andrew.

I need the advice of a professional butcher.

Do you know any?

Joking aside, I'm throwing a dinner party tomorrow

and I don't know what to do for my main.

We've got some cracking mince.

Mince?! No, I want something that says C21 st and unexpected.

- Suicide bomber? - Perhaps you'd repeat your joke

to the families of those who perished in the Twin Towers.

I tell you what's back in fashion right now, belly pork.

Can't go wrong with a bit of belly pork. Lovely crackling on the top.

- Perfect. Enough for eight will do. - What's it for?

- Tomorrow's my birthday. - Oh, the big 5-0.

Very funny. Need I remind you that I'm your deputy manager.

- You're not a proper one though. - I'm the interim deputy manager.

OK? My word goes as long as I'm interiming.

Did you just say you were into rimming?

How long have you been into rimming?

Is there something funny about the idea of me interiming?

Nothing to be ashamed of, loads of people into rimming.

Listen, young man,

people round here need to face up to the fact

that I'm the only one who's interiming.

Er... I just need to...

I'll go and help him... find your pork.

- Excuse me. - Yes, madam.

Dirty git!

So pick up the product now, Margaret.

Picking up product.

And just pass it over the scanner.

Passing over scanner. A beep!

Yes, it will go... beep.

And then just look at the customer, make eye contact.

It does seem odd, Gavin, looking at somebody who's not there.

Well, try and use your imagination.

It's Linda, me friend, she's very, very tall.

Oh,... I see. Well, you just give Linda the total,

take her money, give her her change and the receipt.

- And that's all there is to it. - Oh, it's as easy as 1 -2-3-4.

- Hello, Gavin Strong speaking. - You're not leaving me on me own?!

Don't worry, Margaret, you'll be fine.

Would you mind keeping an eye on Margaret?

- You alright? - I'm that nervous, I've buttercups.

It's just customers, who gives a shit.

- Next! - Where are you going?

- To drop the kids off at the pool. - How old are they?

No, it just means I'm going for a dump.

You spend too much time on that thing.

Julie, your belly.

Have you got your entertainment sorted yet?

- I was just gonna chuck a CD on. - If you fancy something spicier,

here's me mate Tank's number.

- He's an erotic performer. - Is that his...?!

- A little taste of what you get. - No, thank you, Andy.

How come our invites haven't arrived?

Sorry, but it really is close friends and family only.

- I've said it. - I can't make it anyway,

I've got to, literally, see a man about a dog.

Oh, for fuck...!

Better make that enough for six.

"Of course we can come," means, "We're in Penrith this weekend."

Right, ideal dinner party guests?

Easy. Obama, Botham, Buddy Holly, but as a ghost, obviously,

- Obviously. - Pam Ayres.

- Is she a porn star? - A poet.

There's your receipt and your change in coins. Thank you.

Er... I didn't buy any tomatoes.

Oh, well done.

No, it says that I bought four tins of plum tomatoes.

- But you just said you didn't. - Exactly.

I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. Thank you.

No, it says on me receipt that I've bought four tins of plum tomatoes.

- I didn't but I've been charged. - Shall I get you some tomatoes?

No, can you just refund those for me.

I'll scan 'em back through.

- Have you got 'em there? - What?

- The tomatoes. - I didn't buy any tomatoes!

OK, think we better get you some help.

Let it go, mate. It's just a hat shop.

No, it's the principle.

What's gonna be next, the railway station, the hospital?

I'm not putting it back. I caught him trying to wear a Valco shirt.

Whatever.

To be fair, you wear some terrible clothes.

- What do you know about fashion? - Hey, I've got style, mate.

I like to mix it up a bit.

Some days I'll go classic, bit of a Rat Pack vibe.

Other times, I'll just wear skinny jeans and a vest.

- Just skinny jeans and a vest. - Really?

They're not just normal jeans worn really tight?

No. These legs are all muscle.

A doctor once told me

- he was jealous of my legs. - Really?

Muscle doesn't wobble, does it?

- I'm not putting it back! - Can't leave it there!

Sorry? Can't hear you, you're breaking up a bit.

Oi!

- Did you pay for any of that? - What's it to you?

I don't care, I just wondered.

- Perks of the job, innit. - If they find out, they'll sack ya.

- What you gonna do, tell 'em? - Might do, yeah.

Whatever.

I'll just go and tell Julie.

She'd kick your arse out of here in a flash, mate.

That or she'd stick you in the warehouse.

Might even stick you in the car park.

- I'd love to see that. - Yeah!

I bet you would.

I could tell Julie... that you've been nicking a shitload of stuff.

I wonder what she'd do?

So... go on, tell her.

I will, unless you give me that chocolate.

You scheming bitch!

Perks of the job, innit?

Please put the items in the bag.

You can't cancel! I've ordered a load of stuff in.

Well, he might be over his cold by tomorrow.

Oh, for goodness sake, Ursula, you mollycoddle that boy.

Believe me, if I did have kids,

they wouldn't be wrapped in cotton wool like him.

Do it again for me, Margaret.

I've never seen anything like it.

Have you had an operation on your arm or something?

Metal pins can sometimes set things off.

- No. I have got three fillings. - That's not gonna...

Actually, just give that a go.

Please put the items in the bag.

No, no. What am I thinking of?!

- It's a right whodunit, in't it. - Yes. Yes, it is.

- Shall I go on another till? - No!

- I think we'll put you on the deli. - Okey-cokey, Gavin.

Tomatoes?!

You alright? Here you go.

What's this?

Don't wet yourself. It's just a little something.

What have you done this for?

Just to say stop buying supermarket clothes.

What?

You really bought this for me?!

- Is this a wind-up or something? - No!

- Gonna try it on? - Yeah!

Get the mirror.

Let's have a look.

- Do you like the colours? - Yeah.

- Honestly? - Yeah.

Hey, that's not bad.

It's not a bad fit. It's your size.

- I love it! - Honestly?

Yeah. Come here.

Oh, my God! I can't go to the till like that!

You muppet!

Can I interest you in a Valco Club Card?

No, thank you.

Have a nice day. Sir, can I interest you in a Valco Club Card?

Leighton, what are these?

I didn't think there were enough questions, so added some of my own.

- "What kind of house are you?" - I was amazed it wasn't on the form.

- Just stick to those questions! - OK. Sorry, Julie.

How are you, kid?

Haven't seen you in ages!

- What have you been up to? - Busy, busy, busy! You know.

Can I interest you in a Valco Club Card?

Oh, shut up, Leighton. Lot of beers there. Quiet night in?

No, we're throwing a bit of a do tomorrow night.

- Our Steph's on The X Factor. - Really?! Did she get through?

No, she chucked one of her shoes at Louie and everybody booed.

You should come by, there's gonna be a good crowd.

- I'd love to but I've got plans. - Oh, what a shame.

Your Ursula's coming.

- Is she?! Are you sure? - Yeah. She just rang me to tell me.

Did she now?

Give us a bell if you change your mind.

- The more the merrier. - Yeah, I'll do that.

- Lincolnshire? - Correct.

Easy. Pork and apple.

- Amazing! - Look, I've been thinking

about what you said earlier.

And you were right, it was rude of me not to invite you tomorrow.

- I'd like you both there. - It were only friends and family.

Well, if you can't think of the people

you work with every day as friends, who can you?

- So we're friends are we? - Yes.

Of course we are,... mate.

So, say if I... ran out of petrol and me car breaks down,

- I could ask you for help? - You haven't got a car.

- It's hypothetical. - Of course, that's what friends do.

Call me out, I've got loads of petrol.

- Not this again. - Look, here's my address.

- It kicks off at eight. - Who's going?

Oh,... you two,

Andy's friend, Tank, if he still wants to come.

He can't make it.

A couple of girls from my salsa class might drop by.

- You do salsa? - I did break-dancing classes once.

Nearly lost a bollock. They didn't put that in the brochure.

Forget about salsa. I'm asking you as a friend.

Please, will you come to my party?

I can't, I'm washing his hair.

Oh, forget it!

Please put the items in the bag.

Bye. What did he say?

- Just said they weren't pleased. - How can you not be pleased with milk?!

- Dunno. - He's drunk half of it.

- How can he be that unhappy? - I think it's off.

Smells alright. Here.

I dunno, smells on the turn.

You reckon. It's got an hour in it.

I'd have it in tea but not in cereal.

What sort of person returns milk?! It's 40p!

I wouldn't trek back here for 40p!

- He's drank 20p of it an' all. - The tight bastard!

Everything OK, Julie?

Honestly, Gavin, it's the very opposite of OK.

No-K!

Are you... stressed about tomorrow?

I would be if anyone was coming, everyone cancelled except you.

You can't have a dinner party with two people.

No, that's more like a dinner, really.

Do you ever feel let down, Gavin?

Well,... of course, we all have our moments.

No, I mean, every day.

Do you ever feel let down every day, Gavin?

- Not really sure what you're... - I try my best, I really do.

I try and be a good person, but I only ever seem to be let down.

Goodness! Are these all the loyalty card forms from today?!

- There's dozens! - I had everything prepared!

Well, you can have a party on another day.

- I went to a party on a Tuesday once. - That's not the point.

I finally felt ready to celebrate something after...

the bastard.

If I'm honest, Gavin, things like this make me feel... alone!

Look,... things might seem a bit bad now,...

The point is what...

Look,... actually...

It's probably nobody important.

No, actually, I really ought to get that.

Yes, hello. Gavin Strong speaking.

Please put your items in the bag.

Linda, it has turned. Smell it! Smell it!

- Get away from me! - Smell!

Don't! I'll be sick!

Oh, you make me laugh.

It's on your nose!

Staff announcement.

Could Julie Cook report to the manager's office.

That's Julie Cook to the manager's office. Thank you.

Surprise!

- Are you alone?! - Yes, yes. OK.

Look, I got your birthday cake.

Sorry some of the balloons are black,

they were left over from the Duracell promotion.

I thought for a minute you'd arranged a surprise party.

Oh,... no.

Sorry. No. I can understand why that might have been a little misleading.

Oh, there's a card.

I don't believe it!

They've all signed it!

"Happy birthday, Julie."

From Leighton. That's sweet!

Why's all that bit been crossed out?

One of the bakers got hold of it.

Some of the language was a little al fresco.

"Julie, happy birthday!"

- See, it's not so bad, is it? - It could be worse.

That's more like it.

Besides, it happens to us all.

My 43rd was one of the darkest days of my life.

Oh, Gavin, I'm sorry.

I didn't realise Barbara died on your actual birthday.

Oh, God no! No, she didn't.

I got flu. I had to cancel a rally car experience.

Oh, you poor thing!

It's a very nice card as well.

It's nice to know people went to some effort.

- Would you like a slice of cake? - You know what, I think I will.

I don't seem to have a knife.

Please put the item in the bag.

Please wait. The assistant is coming.

Ain't that a paedo's paradise?

- Is that the extent of your knowledge on Cambodia? - No.

- Yeah. - Hiya.

- You alright? - You ready?

Katie. What's in there?

It's a... new shirt.

Well, come on then, show us.

Yep. Er...

- Did you pick that yourself? - Of course.

Bless. Shopping's not his strong point.

(Kieran) What? It looks great on.

It's nice, but it's just not you, babes.

Besides, Fat Beth's got epilepsy.

- Right. - Have you got the receipt?

Yeah.

I'll take it back. Or we can go together.

- Get you something a bit more you. - Great.

- Bye-bye, Katie. - See ya later.

Yeah, see ya.

- How was the deli counter? - Fine.

- Not a plum tomato in sight. - Yes, we've still not fathomed

- what happened there. - Any road, no harm done.

Actually, there's quite a lot of harm done.

We've no idea what the stock numbers are now and...

Yes, Margaret, no harm done.

Look, I think that is the end of your shift!

Home, James!

See ya tomorrow,... boss.

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