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1
00:00:07,780 --> 00:00:09,859
We're on dual commentary.
Yeah, like the tennis.
2
00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:11,579
Yeah, sadly without Boris Becker.
3
00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:14,979
I'm surprised Sue Barker
doesn't sink her teeth
into his thighs, aren't you?
4
00:00:14,980 --> 00:00:19,419
OK, team, we need to get it out there
that the police arrest backlog
5
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:20,740
is not a DoSAC FUBAR, OK?
6
00:00:20,741 --> 00:00:23,739
The Home Office cut paperwork,
there are more bobbies on the beat.
7
00:00:23,740 --> 00:00:26,219
No-one to process them
at the stations.
8
00:00:26,220 --> 00:00:29,539
I doubt there are any
major criminals on the loose,
this is about paperwork,
9
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:31,939
it's not Con Air!
I mean, I wish it was!
10
00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:33,820
That to Peter.
Oh, good morning, Minister!
11
00:00:33,821 --> 00:00:35,899
How did it go with the DPM?
12
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,339
Oh, so that good. I've got to go.
13
00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:41,659
Anyone read Wolf Hall?
14
00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:45,019
I'm just shuttling messages
between them.
15
00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:48,819
I'm like a blue-bottomed fly,
frankly. Ah! From Fergus.
16
00:00:48,820 --> 00:00:50,579
It's the one set on a plane.
17
00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:52,499
No, that's Snakes on a Plane.
18
00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:55,499
This one is Nicolas Cage on a plane.
19
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,019
Heaven's sake!
20
00:00:58,020 --> 00:00:59,819
Look, Phil,
21
00:00:59,820 --> 00:01:03,059
every petty criminal in the country
is in a holding pattern because...
22
00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:05,739
that barrel of cocks
at the Home Office can't process
23
00:01:05,740 --> 00:01:07,979
their arrests quick enough,
so why am I the one
24
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:11,299
who has to gimp himself out all day
to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?
25
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:14,219
Since the inquiry DoSAC looks toxic
and weak. They're trying to pile
26
00:01:14,220 --> 00:01:16,620
all the Government's ills on us.
Whose fault's that?
27
00:01:16,621 --> 00:01:19,819
I said I'm sorry about the inquiry,
OK?
28
00:01:19,820 --> 00:01:23,179
I started writing you a letter
but it seemed pretentious.
If it's consolation,
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00:01:23,180 --> 00:01:26,659
I haven't felt that humiliated
since my trunks fell down
at a swimming gala.
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00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:31,179
It's of no consolation to think
of you naked in front of 500 boys.
31
00:01:31,180 --> 00:01:33,659
Yeah, absolutely, Trevor.
OK, yeah, drinks soon.
32
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,499
Yeah, you too. OK, bye.
33
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,299
Oh, God!
34
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,899
I just felt my ovaries cringe!
35
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:42,219
I'm trying to flirt our way
out of this police backlog.
36
00:01:42,220 --> 00:01:44,379
Peter, quick reminder,
Think Socially,
37
00:01:44,380 --> 00:01:47,819
the social enterprise scheme, we're
launching it tomorrow. Sod that!
38
00:01:47,820 --> 00:01:50,300
I need to keep a low profile,
give it to Fergus and Adam.
39
00:01:50,301 --> 00:01:52,939
Sorry, Han,
can I just put you on pause there?
40
00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:55,579
I'm in the minister's office.
Oh, great! Oh, no, the proper one!
41
00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:58,539
I'm just pausing you there.
Mary Drake.
42
00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:02,419
From the Home Office, she's going
to come over, fancies a chat.
43
00:02:02,420 --> 00:02:05,739
But I told old Iron Blouse
that I'd talk to her presently!
44
00:02:05,740 --> 00:02:09,339
What part of that sentence
doesn't she understand?
Just thought you'd like to know.
45
00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:12,059
Don't want to be accused
of being a barricade or anything!
46
00:02:12,060 --> 00:02:13,339
Blockage.
47
00:02:13,340 --> 00:02:15,579
Look, things were said
at that inquiry, Terri...
48
00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:17,659
They certainly were.
49
00:02:17,660 --> 00:02:20,699
Well, can you just be a fucking
professional and get Fergus in here?
50
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,939
I am an F-wording professional.
51
00:02:22,940 --> 00:02:24,939
Wait, wait, Terri,
can you give this to Fergus,
52
00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:27,620
and tell him he's going to front
Think Socially tomorrow?
53
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:33,019
Ah. Yeah, OK, err, um, Peter,
may I just... No, you may not.
54
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,379
I thought we weren't talking
to the Proclaimers.
55
00:02:35,380 --> 00:02:38,059
We have to play happy families
for Mary, pretend I don't want
56
00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:40,859
to strangle Fergus's bollocks
so they look like glace cherries.
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00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:43,179
Sorry. Can I?
58
00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:46,139
Christ, you just can't flush her.
Can I borrow her?
59
00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:48,578
Yeah, but there's a fine
if you don't bring her back.
60
00:02:48,579 --> 00:02:50,380
It should be a fine
if you DO bring her back.
61
00:02:50,381 --> 00:02:53,339
Ever since this inquiry,
Mannion and Fergus,
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00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,658
their communication
has totally broken down. Yes.
63
00:02:55,659 --> 00:02:57,940
Which is why we have
the double stamp system. Yeah...
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00:02:57,941 --> 00:03:00,099
No decisions without
a dual approval, what?
65
00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,179
Occasionally, just because of a,
well...
66
00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:05,299
a time-sensitive decision,
I have got a stamp from Peter,
67
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,979
but unfortunately been unable
to locate Fergus.
68
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:12,459
OK, let's fast-forward to the bit
where I don't want
to eat my own lips off.
69
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,539
In order to prevent
a Fergal paper jam,
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00:03:14,540 --> 00:03:17,219
I have stamped certain decisions
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00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:19,259
based on what I imagined
he might think.
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00:03:19,260 --> 00:03:22,019
So, you have approved a policy
that Fergus is going to launch,
73
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:23,500
that Fergus knows nothing about?
74
00:03:23,501 --> 00:03:27,300
Sort of. Sort of,
or sort of exactly?
75
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:30,259
Sort of exactly.
76
00:03:30,260 --> 00:03:33,659
You're telling me that you have been
running parts of this country?
77
00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:36,699
What the fuck are you trying to do,
prove the Mayans right?
78
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:39,739
Ha-ha! "Dear Jim, please could you
fix it for me for two departments
79
00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:42,459
"to fuck up on the same day?"
"Yes, I can!"
80
00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:45,499
So, this government arrest backlog
is a really lovely gift token...
81
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:48,979
Mmm. The question is,
what does Daddy buy with it?
82
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:51,579
Err, you, the daddy man, err,
you could...
83
00:03:51,580 --> 00:03:55,819
how about you point up
the split between the HO and DoSAC?
84
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:59,579
Take the sort of,
a "government divided" route. Nice.
85
00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:03,099
Meanwhile, an unarrested
feral underclass has gone Mad Max,
86
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:07,060
and police station waiting rooms
are heaving like the
hedgehog carvery at a Gypsy wedding.
87
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:12,420
Oh, I do apologise, excuse me.
I need to take this.
88
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:17,499
We need to drop Malcolm. Right.
I can't get on my high horse
89
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,859
about crime issues the day after
my director of communication
90
00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:24,379
may have, ie definitely HAS,
committed perjury.
91
00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:28,499
And I like getting on my high horse.
92
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:31,299
I look good on it. Like a knight.
93
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,700
So they're actually going
to pursue this?
94
00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:40,539
Right.
Thanks for the heads-up, mate, yeah.
95
00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:44,739
Listen, I need a police station
with a lot of exits and entrances,
96
00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:46,259
in case the press show up.
97
00:04:46,260 --> 00:04:49,179
Sam. Sam, Sam.
Brentford, right, OK.
98
00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:54,419
Listen, Sam. Get a hold
of Greg Fraser for me.
I need some hard lawyering.
99
00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,739
OK. Pink. Pink, pink flowers.
100
00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:59,339
Pink. For my mother.
It's her 80th birthday.
101
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,299
Lovely big bouquet of pink ones.
102
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:02,899
Lovely. How are you doing?
103
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:05,819
I'm bitchin', yes,
I'm as busy as a two-twatted hooker.
104
00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:08,019
Great. I was thinking, Malcolm...
105
00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:11,899
Maybe you should take a bit of time
off, just maybe tour the Highland
distilleries,
106
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:14,819
or whatever it is your people do,
you know? Take up stunt kiting.
107
00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:19,019
Well, we don't take advice from a
guy who looks like he gels his hair
by sticking it up a cow's vagina.
108
00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:20,979
All right, fair enough.
109
00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:23,819
Here's an idea that you could pitch
to Millertron 3,000. Yes.
110
00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:26,339
Get him to go to a police station,
yeah?
111
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:29,899
But pick a big one, right? Right.
Lewisham. It's more impact in a big
one. Yeah, yeah.
112
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:33,339
But make sure you get as many press
there as possible. Yeah. OK.
113
00:05:33,340 --> 00:05:35,939
Dan Miller is visiting
a police station.
114
00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:40,099
What? Why? Why, why aren't
I visiting a police station?
115
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:43,699
Why didn't you think of that?
Yes, why didn't you think of that?
I did, I nearly did, OK?
116
00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:46,859
I was about to think of that.
Christ, it's like Harry Potter
all over again.
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00:05:46,860 --> 00:05:49,019
I thought of that,
I just didn't write it down.
118
00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:50,940
It was Gandalf at school,
but same principle.
119
00:05:50,941 --> 00:05:54,379
Fergus has got an idea about
the police backlog, just tell him.
Yeah, I'm going to.
120
00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:58,419
It is basically an issue of manpower,
so we outsource, we get the private
sector in to clear it up.
121
00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:00,419
It's problem solved,
it's obvious, really.
122
00:06:00,420 --> 00:06:04,859
Yeah, yeah. Yes, you, yes, it is
obvious, that's two obvious things
you've missed today. Idiot!
123
00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:07,139
Yeah, what do you think?
No, I think it's good,
124
00:06:07,140 --> 00:06:10,779
I mean, private sector dives in
and saves us, it plays well for us.
Thank you.
125
00:06:10,780 --> 00:06:13,139
Till we get the bill!
Cos we got no money.
126
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,379
Anyway, I'm just popping out to
Tesco Metro, anyone want a yoghurt?
127
00:06:16,380 --> 00:06:17,979
No, Glenn, no.
128
00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:20,699
Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses
with the Home Office?
129
00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:22,979
It ends now. We want a united realm.
130
00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:24,979
There's no vision in division.
131
00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:27,659
Well, yes, there is. Anyway,
tell Perkin Warbeck over there.
132
00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:31,619
OK, people, could
we briefly form a coherent group?
133
00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:33,860
Mary Drake is in the building,
she's on her way up.
134
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:38,459
OK. Shields up, guys.
Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.
135
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:41,699
OK. Terri. Think Socially.
136
00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:43,139
Did I sign off on this?
137
00:06:43,140 --> 00:06:46,659
Because I hadn't heard of Think
Socially until I said it just then.
138
00:06:46,660 --> 00:06:48,620
OK, er... So what is it?
Simple explanation.
139
00:06:48,621 --> 00:06:51,139
Love to hear it. Yeah. Very...
Oh, God, here's Mary.
140
00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:53,420
Bunch up, everyone, so she
doesn't see the corpses.
141
00:06:53,421 --> 00:06:55,099
Look, synchronise lies, all right?
142
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:57,139
Mary, hi, hi. Emma.
We met at the away day.
143
00:06:57,140 --> 00:06:59,339
I so enjoyed our mood play.
144
00:06:59,340 --> 00:07:01,579
Yes. You actually did, didn't you?
145
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:04,459
Ah, you must be the legendary Terri.
146
00:07:04,460 --> 00:07:07,099
I've heard a great deal about you.
147
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:10,660
Oh, please, don't believe
everything that you hear.
I fully intend not to.
148
00:07:11,780 --> 00:07:15,939
Stewart, shakras balanced?
Er... sorry. Tiny bit of
housekeeping.
149
00:07:15,940 --> 00:07:18,979
Terri, um, er... Think Socially.
Just checking in on that.
150
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,939
Yes. Yes, it's a go thing.
Double stamped, yes.
151
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:24,819
Mary. Great to see you again.
152
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,739
I'm here in an angry capacity.
153
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:28,459
Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.
154
00:07:28,460 --> 00:07:31,539
The message from the Home Office
is this,
155
00:07:31,540 --> 00:07:34,979
"Move away from the backlog,
there's nothing to see.
156
00:07:34,980 --> 00:07:38,179
"Let the police do their jobs,
let us do ours."
157
00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:41,379
Sorry to be, er... contrary, Mary.
158
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:44,739
But, er... Peter and I have just been
discussing this very issue.
159
00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:47,379
Shut up. Let me tell you something
now.
160
00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:50,179
DoSAC is one rat's whisker away
161
00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:53,859
from being shut down and subsumed
by the Home Office
162
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:57,139
and put in charge
of cocking up the tea run!
163
00:07:57,140 --> 00:07:59,579
And I like mine weak and white.
164
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,740
Like my men.
165
00:08:02,340 --> 00:08:05,499
Stewart, any thoughts from within
your fucking dream yurt?
166
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:08,659
I will go and try
and defrag this situation.
167
00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:11,059
But I am staying strictly macro.
168
00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:13,339
Subtitles. You need subtitles!
169
00:08:13,340 --> 00:08:15,219
Sorry, er, Think Socially.
170
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:18,259
Terri, would you mind explaining
rationally why I appear to be giving
171
00:08:18,260 --> 00:08:21,299
a ringing endorsement to a piece of
shit that I've never even heard of?
172
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:25,219
It's not my fault, it's the double
stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
Oh, really? Yeah.
173
00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:28,539
Because, right now, I want to double
stamp on your fucking throat.
174
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:30,779
I'm taking that seriously
as a physical threat.
175
00:08:30,780 --> 00:08:35,099
You know, one of the many,
many things that baffles me about
you is you remain unmurdered!
176
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,700
What time are we due at the Mirror?
177
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:39,779
Oh, not for another hour.
Oh, OK.
178
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:43,059
Got plenty of time to get
into your Boudica mode.
179
00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:45,699
I am woman, hear me roar!
180
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:48,020
Get your jugs out,
get on your chariot.
181
00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:51,219
Crikey!
182
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:54,299
I think, given that I'm hoping to get
back into cabinet at some point,
183
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,820
I might... keep my jugs
in the cupboard.
184
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,300
Or... I suppose I could always
pop one of them out
185
00:09:01,301 --> 00:09:02,859
if the interview's flagging.
186
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:04,140
It's an option!
187
00:09:04,141 --> 00:09:09,539
Um... I did apologise, didn't I,
for telling you to fuck off?
188
00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:10,699
Yes.
189
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:13,779
Good. Because I, you know,
I didn't mean it.
190
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:16,739
I wouldn't be here
if I thought you meant it.
191
00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:19,060
I've got plenty of places
to fuck off to.
192
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:31,140
It's a big funeral home, isn't it?
193
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:35,459
M Tucker. Olly. Malcolm.
194
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,539
Um, we need to have a little chat.
195
00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:39,859
You're not splitting up with me,
are you?
196
00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:43,699
Because I'm pregnant and it's quads,
so, you know. You're not laughing.
197
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,779
Well, I'm laughing on the inside.
198
00:09:45,780 --> 00:09:47,020
Which is a tad ironic,
199
00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:50,059
because I'm leaving here in five
minutes to get arrested. Hang on.
200
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:53,179
Sorry, er... you're going to be
arrested at the exact same time
201
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:55,379
that Dan Miller's doing
his Lewisham walkabout?
202
00:09:55,380 --> 00:09:58,139
Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford
where nobody will be watching me
203
00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:00,059
because they'll all be with him.
204
00:10:00,060 --> 00:10:03,339
So the Leader of the Opposition is
going to be filmed at a police
station
205
00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:07,139
at the exact moment as his Head Of
Communications is being arrested.
206
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:10,619
Yes! OK, great, great, so that's a
sack full of face-chewing rats,
207
00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:14,059
thank you very much. Look, it's...
this is what you have to deal with,
right?
208
00:10:14,060 --> 00:10:16,419
It's just another day
at the fuck office.
209
00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:20,379
So now, I have to step into your
shoes, but after you've shat
in them?
210
00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:24,619
Olly, look at me. I'm not pulling
anything out of a magic hat.
211
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,699
The rabbits have fallen to pieces,
212
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:29,299
their fucking heads are coming off
and frightening the kids.
213
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:31,419
So somebody else is going
to have to help out.
214
00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:34,699
Well, who says I even want to be
you, Malcolm?
215
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,379
Who says that?
Nobody says that.
216
00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:41,739
Except every screaming atom of that
etiolated stick of fuck you call a
body says that.
217
00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:47,259
Every fibre of your being,
every stamen... says that.
218
00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:48,620
But you are not me, Olly.
219
00:10:48,621 --> 00:10:50,219
No.
220
00:10:50,220 --> 00:10:51,660
And you never will be me.
221
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:55,139
I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir.
222
00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:57,459
And you are not
Malcolm Fucking Tucker.
223
00:10:57,460 --> 00:11:00,939
You're not even fucking Manchester's
top Malcolm Tucker tribute band.
224
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:04,299
And trying to be me, you?
225
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:07,139
Trying to be me will fucking
kill you. I give you 18 months
226
00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:11,099
before you're a washed-out,
weeping alcoholic
227
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:14,259
with no fucking bladder control.
228
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:16,979
Sleeping on your brother-in-law's
sofa.
229
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,659
And so on and so on, it doesn't have
to be like that now, Malcolm,
230
00:11:19,660 --> 00:11:21,339
politics has actually changed.
231
00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:25,299
Oh? Right. Yeah, yeah.
And you probably haven't noticed
because you've been on transmit
232
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,979
for the last fucking eight years
Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!
233
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:31,379
And whilst you've been doing that,
everybody else has been changing,
234
00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:34,979
and it's all a bit softcore now,
it's all a bit algorithms now.
235
00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:37,340
You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker
to sit in that chair.
236
00:11:37,341 --> 00:11:40,459
Oh, how quickly they grow up.
You fucking think you know me?
237
00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:42,979
Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
238
00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:45,900
You know Jackie fucking Chan
about me.
239
00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:49,420
You know fuck all about me!
240
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:55,019
I am totally beyond the realms
of your fucking tousle-haired,
241
00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:57,899
fucking dim-witted
compre-fucking-hension.
242
00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:00,779
I don't just take this
fucking job home, you know.
243
00:12:00,780 --> 00:12:03,579
I take this job home,
it fucking ties me to the bed,
244
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:06,299
and it fucking fucks me
from arsehole to breakfast.
245
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:08,778
Then, it wakes me up in the morning
with a cup full of piss
246
00:12:08,779 --> 00:12:10,700
slammed in my face,
slaps me about the chops,
247
00:12:10,701 --> 00:12:13,699
to make sure I'm awake enough so it
can kick me in the fucking bollocks.
248
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,499
This job has taken me
in every hole in my fucking body.
249
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,819
Malcolm is gone,
you can't know Malcolm,
250
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:20,819
because Malcolm is not here!
251
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:24,339
Malcolm fucking left the building
fucking years ago!
252
00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:25,739
This is a fucking husk.
253
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:28,659
I am a fucking host
for this fucking job.
254
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,379
Do you want this job?
255
00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:33,259
Yeah.
Yes, you do fucking want this job.
256
00:12:33,260 --> 00:12:36,219
Then, you're going to have
to fucking swallow
this whole fucking life
257
00:12:36,220 --> 00:12:38,699
and let it grow inside you
like a parasite.
258
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:42,459
Getting bigger and bigger and bigger
until it fucking eats your insides
alive
259
00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:45,819
and it stares out of your eyes
and tells you what to do.
260
00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:49,099
Malcolm, this sounds like the
fucking video you leave on YouTube
261
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:51,300
after you've blown your brains out.
262
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:55,379
I'm as dead as fucking 2 Tone.
263
00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:58,339
But I can fashion my own exit.
264
00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:00,979
Oh, Christ! What, are you going to
fly to Switzerland
265
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,619
and have a wank off a nurse and
a bye-bye pill, are you?
266
00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:06,259
Funny, funny man.
267
00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:08,019
Political exit.
268
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:09,699
No, I know.
269
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:14,339
I'm going to leave the stage with
my head held fucking high, right?
270
00:13:14,340 --> 00:13:19,259
What you're going to see is a
masterclass in fucking dignity, son.
271
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:23,139
The audience will be on their feet.
"There he goes," they'll say.
272
00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:28,740
"No friends, no real friends.
No children, no glory, no memoirs."
273
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,380
Well, fuck them.
274
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:36,459
Hello. Hello.
275
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:39,539
Hi. Nicola Murray, Leader of...
Oh! I've got to stop saying that.
276
00:13:39,540 --> 00:13:41,020
Hello. Helen, hi. Declan.
277
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,219
Declan, hi.
278
00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:45,379
Nice to see you again.
Yes, again, er...
279
00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:47,099
Do you not remember me?
280
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,219
I, I'm so sorry,
you look very familiar,
281
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:51,580
but it's just I meet so,
well, I met so many people.
282
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,100
You're for the chop!
283
00:13:54,140 --> 00:13:56,939
Oh, right. You're... OK!
284
00:13:56,940 --> 00:13:59,099
Uh-huh! Mr Chop. Yeah.
285
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,059
I'll look forward to giving you
a bit of a grilling!
286
00:14:02,060 --> 00:14:06,939
Well, this might be your chance,
I'm the one doing the interview.
Are you? Great.
287
00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:10,099
Here we... Here's an old friend.
Hello. Oh, yeah. Wow! Yeah.
288
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,699
Still, still doing that joke!
289
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:13,259
Big, though, isn't it?
290
00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:17,859
Um, if you'd just excuse us
for one minute, Mr Ch... Um...
291
00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:20,739
Declan. Declan, Declan, yes, yes,
yes, of course. Yeah, sorry.
292
00:14:20,740 --> 00:14:22,739
I just need a quick strategy
chat. Sure.
293
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:27,419
I am... ever so close to being
on the verge
294
00:14:27,420 --> 00:14:30,899
of balling my fucking
eyes out disappointed about this.
295
00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:33,979
I mean, this was it, was it?
What was the alternative?
296
00:14:33,980 --> 00:14:35,460
Going on Strictly Come Dancing
297
00:14:35,461 --> 00:14:38,779
and doing a fucking hookie waltz
with Abu Hamza?
298
00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:42,459
This is pretty low. This is lower
than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
299
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:44,979
I had to virtually
go on the game to get you this.
300
00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:48,139
So frankly, I don't care if he wants
to roll around in apple sauce
with you,
301
00:14:48,140 --> 00:14:49,860
get in there and do as you're told.
302
00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:54,699
Right. I will go,
because I'm choosing to go in,
303
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:56,660
but I just need you to know,
for the record...
304
00:14:56,661 --> 00:14:58,740
Just get in there
before I push you in.
305
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:05,499
If they video this as well, I'm going
to swallow my own fucking thumbs.
306
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:06,619
OK.
307
00:15:06,620 --> 00:15:08,739
So, sorry about that, yes, just...
Not at all.
308
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:11,060
Now, we're going to be videoing
this too, if that's OK,
309
00:15:11,061 --> 00:15:15,379
so I thought interview first, then,
I'll get myself into my chop costume
and we do a little double act.
310
00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:17,899
What news from the front,
my hardy legionnaires?
311
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:20,380
Er... Forest Hill running smooth,
Croydon lag time, get it?
312
00:15:20,381 --> 00:15:22,859
Down 15 minutes, slamming the hoods.
313
00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:24,819
Boom! Fuck the Home Office.
314
00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:27,139
Yeah. Double stamped.
Fuck the police!
315
00:15:27,140 --> 00:15:30,459
No, that doesn't work.
Christ, I haven't felt this alive
for months.
316
00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:32,180
I feel like I've had a health scare.
317
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,299
OK. Dan Miller's station visit's on.
318
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,859
He's going to be meeting
and greeting. Urgh!
319
00:15:36,860 --> 00:15:39,259
Er, Emma, which police station
is it? Lewisham.
320
00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:41,819
Actually, Phil, how long is
the waiting time there?
321
00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:43,859
Well, that's a big nick.
Tough nut to crack.
322
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:47,499
Phil, can you stop pretending
you're in The Sweeney and just
give me a fucking fact?
323
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,899
How long? It's coming down.
Hour, hour and a half, tops.
OK.
324
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:53,220
So listen, I was thinking
of learning a new language.
325
00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:55,980
Oh, sorry, got to take that.
326
00:15:55,981 --> 00:15:58,099
Oh! It's my sister.
327
00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:01,139
Peter, we need to get as many staff
as possible down to Lewisham, OK?
328
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:04,819
When Miller gets there, we need them
to be processing like, like human
Pentiums.
329
00:16:04,820 --> 00:16:07,539
Yeah, I, I agree, I don't care
who's queuing for arrest
330
00:16:07,540 --> 00:16:10,179
or if they go on to kill again,
Lewisham's the priority.
331
00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:14,299
Brilliant! We make it seem like Dan
Miller's the problem, he's wasting
police time.
332
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,060
He's the backlog. Err, Peter.
Um? Yeah.
333
00:16:16,061 --> 00:16:19,339
When you have a moment, can I get
a quote on Malcolm's arrest?
334
00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:21,099
Malcolm? Tucker.
335
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:23,139
Malcolm Tucker's being arrested?
336
00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:26,099
Well, I was thinking of coming
down there in October anyway.
337
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,939
What the fuck? This is... I've been
getting calls for 15 minutes.
338
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:32,219
Not the same sources that told you
David Beckham was running for mayor?
339
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:35,739
Malcolm's solicitor phoned the
police, who phones journalists,
and they tell me.
340
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:38,939
And after all that people
phoning you... Yes? Yes?
341
00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:42,459
Then you just, then, you just have
a little tuna salad, do you,
watch Loose Women?
342
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,059
You lay an egg over there and...
343
00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:46,659
Terri, Terri, can you spot
who the blockage is in this office?
344
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,259
I have been getting on with doing
exactly what you told me to,
345
00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:53,379
which was... What?
..dealing with this arrest backlog.
Can't you react to events? Fuck!
346
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:56,539
Yes, just doing one thing at a time,
are you, because you're a uni-tasker?
347
00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,099
All the press will focus on, right,
is Malcolm's arrest,
348
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:03,299
and not on anyone else who's being
arrested, we have been trumped
again! No, this is good.
349
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:07,979
We swoop in, sort the system,
and we get Tucker in clink,
it's a double stamp.
350
00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:11,099
Which police station's he going to?
Brentford, apparently. Brentford.
351
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:14,339
Shit, it's off-grid! It'd be here,
the vector would be here.
352
00:17:14,340 --> 00:17:16,259
Right. OK, listen up, everybody.
353
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:17,659
Forget Lewisham.
354
00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:20,259
I want every warm body
we've got down to Brentford.
355
00:17:20,260 --> 00:17:23,619
Let's put the fucker in a cell
with a genuine psychopath.
356
00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:26,060
Can I just make sure that this
is a double stamp?
357
00:17:26,061 --> 00:17:28,499
This is a double stamp.
358
00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:30,380
Yeah, well, don't worry,
I can come down
359
00:17:30,381 --> 00:17:33,620
and I'll have that wall
whitewashed in about half an hour.
360
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,540
So you're telling me
I literally cannot get arrested?
361
00:17:37,541 --> 00:17:40,539
Look, I haven't got the staff to
deal with the workload right now.
362
00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:43,539
My client is doing everything
he can to help you
with your inquiries.
363
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:46,020
They are processing arrests
at Lewisham, head down there.
364
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:48,099
We can't go to Lewisham.
Why not?
365
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:51,779
Dan Miller's there,
fondling truncheons. Oh!
366
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,659
This, as you can see, is our
control... Hello, Dan Miller, hello.
367
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:55,900
Hello, Dan Miller.
368
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:58,659
Room - nerve centre,
shall we say? - Where we've been
369
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:00,540
managing the situation.
Hi, Dan Miller.
370
00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:03,659
So you must be incredibly concerned
with the log jam we've been seeing.
371
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:06,779
Oh, absolutely, yesterday was
a very challenging day.
372
00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:08,099
I can imagine.
373
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:11,619
Yeah, but since we've had the
additional help from the private
contractors,
374
00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:13,179
we're really getting on top of it.
375
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:16,139
Great. Well, well, yeah.
Can I just...?
376
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,459
Oh, of course.
377
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:22,339
Olly. What the fuck are we doing
here? Everything's fine.
378
00:18:22,340 --> 00:18:23,660
I'm like lube at a funeral.
379
00:18:23,661 --> 00:18:27,620
Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC
have actually turned this around,
they've Apollo 13'd it.
380
00:18:30,020 --> 00:18:31,740
Fucking press!
381
00:18:33,140 --> 00:18:35,379
Excuse me,
is there another way out of here?
382
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,859
You could hang yourself.
Fuck off!
383
00:18:37,860 --> 00:18:41,099
It's down there,
turn right, on the left.
384
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:43,659
Have you heard that Malcolm
Tucker's going to get arrested?
385
00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:45,860
Two minutes, I will have
something for you on that.
386
00:18:45,861 --> 00:18:49,699
Tell me that was a rhetorical
question. Malcolm was supposed
to get arrested quietly,
387
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,619
on the other side of town, but,
obviously, it's actually got out.
388
00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:53,979
How?
389
00:18:53,980 --> 00:18:57,259
Do I have to say this? Do I have to
say it out loud? Because the
police...
390
00:18:57,260 --> 00:18:59,179
Oh, why don't you say it out loud?
391
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:02,740
Yes, yes, maybe they can do me a
favour and throw you down the
fucking stairs.
392
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:10,460
This is basically the same
fucking exit.
393
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,340
This is rubbish!
394
00:19:18,341 --> 00:19:20,540
This is, this is literally rubbish.
395
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:25,139
Malcolm! Malcolm! There he is!
There he is! Mr Tucker!
396
00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:27,379
Hey! Get the fuck back here!
397
00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:28,939
Jesus Christ.
398
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:31,139
OK, go. Go, go, go!
399
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:34,499
You drive off like that
again and I'll stick your meter
so far down your throat,
400
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,698
you'll be able to tell the price
of your next shit.
401
00:19:36,699 --> 00:19:39,140
Why the fuck have you brought me
to a police station
402
00:19:39,141 --> 00:19:42,019
when one of our most senior figures
is about to be arrested?
403
00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:45,980
Um... don't clasp your hands behind
your back, it makes you look like
you've been cuffed.
404
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,620
Oh, it's him. Marvellous!
405
00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:52,819
Put him on speakerphone, he might
want to do an interview down the
line.
406
00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:55,419
Oliver Reeder. 'Olly, some press
turned up at Brentford.'
407
00:19:55,420 --> 00:19:58,699
I've just been chased into a cab.
It's like Hard Day's fucking Night.
408
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:03,219
'Where can I go?' Er... I'm hearing
Hackney's good, 82% operational.
409
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:06,619
Olly, will you please keep
the rest of the press there,
410
00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:08,339
with Dan in Lewisham?
411
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,819
Please. I need my dignity.
412
00:20:10,820 --> 00:20:14,179
Come on, give me my fucking
dignity... Er, thanks for calling.
413
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:16,859
OK, we need to get out of here
as quickly as we possibly can.
414
00:20:16,860 --> 00:20:19,659
Thank you very much. That was
really, er, wonderful. Carry on.
415
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:22,379
Super, super station.
Love what you've done with it.
416
00:20:22,380 --> 00:20:24,739
Malcolm's gone. What's happening?
Did he escape?
417
00:20:24,740 --> 00:20:27,339
No, the press were there,
it was taking too long.
418
00:20:27,340 --> 00:20:29,899
Christ's sake! It's Tora fucking Bora
all over again.
419
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,338
Where did he go?
We've got to get everyone there now.
420
00:20:32,339 --> 00:20:33,620
I'll find out, I'll find out.
421
00:20:33,621 --> 00:20:37,739
Let's get a chopper in the air.
Be like the OJ chase! He is
getting bloody arrested today, OK?
422
00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:41,179
Absolutely.
It's legacy stuff - the men who
threw Malcolm Tucker in the slammer!
423
00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:44,419
Can I just say my idea for pop-up
prisons doesn't seem so stupid now.
424
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:47,179
Oh, blah, blah! Being this close
won't... Hackney, Hackney!
425
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:50,779
Where's Hackney?
There. That's Hackney, right there.
OK, OK, it's my manor.
426
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:53,939
Adam, Adam, make it happen.
Boots on the ground, yeah?
427
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,899
This is fucking awesome, it's like
COBRA! I hope I get defence next.
428
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:58,820
Want the headset now, don't you?
Fuck off.
429
00:20:58,821 --> 00:21:01,619
I'm making myself an Earl Grey,
Glenn. Can I get you something?
430
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,260
No, I'm tea-d out, thank you, Terri.
431
00:21:03,261 --> 00:21:05,819
Oh. Do you want a hand?
You could open that cupboard door.
432
00:21:05,820 --> 00:21:07,540
Are you moving offices or something?
433
00:21:07,541 --> 00:21:10,379
Yeah, you could say that.
I'm going to a prison cell.
434
00:21:10,380 --> 00:21:11,939
Oh, Glenn! Yeah.
435
00:21:11,940 --> 00:21:13,139
No! Yeah.
436
00:21:13,140 --> 00:21:14,899
I've decided I'm going to resign.
437
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:17,819
Then after that I'm going to go to
a police station and hand myself in.
438
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:20,819
No, no, no, no... I perjured
myself at the inquiry, Terri.
439
00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:22,619
They'll find out. They always do.
440
00:21:22,620 --> 00:21:25,779
I'll have a roof over my head,
three meals a day and regular sex.
441
00:21:25,780 --> 00:21:28,059
I might even work out. Get some abs.
442
00:21:28,060 --> 00:21:31,419
What about your sister, Glenn?
You've got to whitewash her walls!
443
00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:32,620
Come out, everyone!
444
00:21:32,621 --> 00:21:34,019
Tally-ho!
445
00:21:34,020 --> 00:21:35,459
Yoo-hoo!
446
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,539
Come on, bring out your fucking dead.
447
00:21:37,540 --> 00:21:40,579
Right, everybody, listen.
I've got an announcement to make.
448
00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:43,299
Erm... What is it?
Have you got an erection? No.
449
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:46,259
I would like to tell you
all that I'm resigning.
450
00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:52,419
Is that it? No, you closeted
Regency homosexual, that is not it.
451
00:21:52,420 --> 00:21:56,539
Morally, this department
is in the gutter.
452
00:21:56,540 --> 00:22:01,379
Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but
we have work... You stay and take
the punishment! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
453
00:22:01,380 --> 00:22:05,859
I will lamp you, with a lamp.
Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit
psychotic, my love.
454
00:22:05,860 --> 00:22:07,339
You, Fergus,
455
00:22:07,340 --> 00:22:11,099
when you asked me to join you,
all you had was your principles,
456
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:16,019
but over the last two years, you've
bent like a human fucking palm tree,
457
00:22:16,020 --> 00:22:20,539
swaying to the guff of these
six-toed, born-to-rule pony fuckers.
458
00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,699
If you're going to go, just go.
459
00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:25,139
Oh! Spare us this
Peter Finch bullshit.
460
00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:27,060
Adam, you're waiting for your turn!
461
00:22:27,061 --> 00:22:28,899
Oh, no, I remember!
462
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:30,659
It's your turn right now!
463
00:22:30,660 --> 00:22:31,740
Brilliant. Bring it.
464
00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:35,379
You are simply the most loathsome
human being I have ever met. Yeah.
465
00:22:35,380 --> 00:22:38,539
You were so well suited at the Mail,
it's a shame you came over here.
466
00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:39,619
Hear, hear!
467
00:22:39,620 --> 00:22:42,619
Do you know what? I hate you both.
Tweedletwat and Tweedleprick.
468
00:22:42,620 --> 00:22:45,859
You contribute absolutely
nothing to the world,
469
00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,739
so thank fucking God
you have no power.
470
00:22:48,740 --> 00:22:50,939
Er, we do actually. It's...
No, you don't.
471
00:22:50,940 --> 00:22:54,819
And, Peter, it's been dreadful.
I hope your cock falls off.
472
00:22:54,820 --> 00:22:59,259
Phil, do you know what you are?
You're like an eight-year-old trapped
in a 12-year-old's body.
473
00:22:59,260 --> 00:23:01,619
This is great!
Why is no-one filming this?
474
00:23:01,620 --> 00:23:03,580
And Emma.
Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma.
475
00:23:03,581 --> 00:23:06,979
Yeah. Emma, I'm sorry, you're just
a standard-issue insipid posh bitch.
476
00:23:06,980 --> 00:23:08,019
That's it!
477
00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:09,459
Terri!
478
00:23:09,460 --> 00:23:10,899
Oh! Whoa, whoa!
479
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:13,859
I don't think I've ever met
anyone quite so proud,
480
00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:16,219
and yet quite so useless.
481
00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:21,099
But I do have to thank you, because
I have managed to stay in shape
482
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:25,099
purely through the energy
I spend in pitying you every day.
483
00:23:25,100 --> 00:23:28,579
Glenn, you're just
embarrassing yourself.
484
00:23:28,580 --> 00:23:31,459
Fuck you all up the wrong 'un!
Ta-ta! Bye-bye!
485
00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:33,539
That was better than IMAX Inception.
486
00:23:33,540 --> 00:23:35,539
Poor, poor Glenn.
487
00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,099
Should we try and get him back?
488
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:39,779
Fuck, no!
He's gone completely mental.
489
00:23:39,780 --> 00:23:41,539
He's gone Glenn-tal.
490
00:23:41,540 --> 00:23:43,379
There he is, there he is!
491
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:46,979
Malcolm! Can you tell us
why you're here today?
492
00:23:46,980 --> 00:23:48,659
Why are you here today, Malcolm?
493
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:50,259
Are you here to be arrested?
494
00:23:50,260 --> 00:23:52,220
Nothing to say.
495
00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:56,419
Nothing to say.
There's nothing to say.
496
00:23:56,420 --> 00:23:58,939
Out of my way,
you fucking human Mooncup.
497
00:23:58,940 --> 00:24:00,419
Have a bit of class.
498
00:24:00,420 --> 00:24:02,699
Is this arrest by
appointment, Mr Tucker?
499
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:04,259
You do not have to say anything.
500
00:24:04,260 --> 00:24:07,779
However, it may harm your defence if
you do not mention when questioned
501
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:11,819
something which you later rely on in
court. Anything you do say may be...
502
00:24:11,820 --> 00:24:13,420
Malcolm! Malcolm!
503
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:18,619
Quiet! Quiet! Quieten down!
504
00:24:18,620 --> 00:24:20,579
Quieten down!
Give us something.
505
00:24:20,580 --> 00:24:23,979
I have a brief statement
I will read on behalf of my client.
506
00:24:23,980 --> 00:24:28,579
"I am innocent of all charges
and vow to do everything in
my power to clear my name.
507
00:24:28,580 --> 00:24:32,019
"I will fight this all the way, and
I am confident no jury will be able
508
00:24:32,020 --> 00:24:35,539
"to look me in the eye and
say anything other than
I am an innocent man.
509
00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:38,219
"But to avoid any distraction
to my official duties,
510
00:24:38,220 --> 00:24:40,579
"and to begin preparations
for my acquittal,
511
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:43,659
"I am standing down as senior
communications officer to my party,
512
00:24:43,660 --> 00:24:47,099
"and, with heavy heart, I am
leaving top-tier politics for good."
513
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:49,659
That is all we have to say
at this time. Thank you.
514
00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:52,699
Have you anything further to add?
515
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:55,860
No, I want to say something,
I want to say something.
516
00:25:03,140 --> 00:25:04,580
Doesn't matter.
517
00:25:09,740 --> 00:25:12,220
Have you been sacked, Mr Tucker?
518
00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:19,419
'..Standing down as senior
communications officer
to my party...'
519
00:25:19,420 --> 00:25:23,939
Oh, I do feel grubby. I feel
fucking great! It's a huge scalp.
520
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,100
Size of a pizza!
521
00:25:25,101 --> 00:25:28,339
How about a toast to the old
bastard's hopeful incarceration
522
00:25:28,340 --> 00:25:30,460
with a fine 12-year-old
Glen-fuck it?!
523
00:25:31,900 --> 00:25:33,499
I haven't worked all that long,
524
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,659
or all that closely
with Malcolm Tucker,
525
00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:37,779
but I wish him luck
in clearing his name,
526
00:25:37,780 --> 00:25:40,179
although, obviously,
if he is found guilty,
527
00:25:40,180 --> 00:25:42,499
then the full weight
of the law should be...
528
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:45,019
Oh, sorry. Full force
of the law should be...
529
00:25:45,020 --> 00:25:46,579
I haven't worked all that long...
530
00:25:46,580 --> 00:25:50,699
With him gone, um,
I feel fresh hope we can mend
531
00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:55,059
and rebuild a credible politics
of integrity and honour.
532
00:25:55,060 --> 00:25:56,860
So, er, thank you
very much for coming,
533
00:25:56,861 --> 00:26:00,139
I look forward to seeing much more of
you in the coming weeks and months.
534
00:26:00,140 --> 00:26:02,100
Not you, Rod, obviously.
You're a twat.
535
00:26:02,101 --> 00:26:05,459
But... In spite of the awards, er,
er, for being a twat, I believe.
536
00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:07,980
So, thanks, fellas.
Don't be strangers.
537
00:26:11,180 --> 00:26:14,779
Oh, Phil, is it too much for you?
It's strong! Oh, poor old Phil!
538
00:26:14,780 --> 00:26:16,619
Did you get it in your eye?
539
00:26:16,620 --> 00:26:19,979
I've got an image now of you
puking up on some stripper's shoes
540
00:26:19,980 --> 00:26:22,379
and then bursting into tears.
541
00:26:22,380 --> 00:26:26,939
Drinking on the job, Peter. Why not?
You've already got the efficiency
of a man who's half-cut.
542
00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:32,419
Oh, then I must have dreamt that
my idea had successfully reduced
the arrest backlog.
543
00:26:32,420 --> 00:26:35,899
DoSAC did do rather well today,
er, actually. Thank you.
544
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:39,379
But there's a conspicuous blockage
that will lead to a personnel change.
545
00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:42,979
Stewart, you're out. You're
going to be pickled in a think tank.
546
00:26:42,980 --> 00:26:44,339
What?
547
00:26:44,340 --> 00:26:47,179
Of course I am, Mary. And whose
authority is this coming from, hmm?
548
00:26:47,180 --> 00:26:51,699
The PM, whilst acknowledging
the need for thoughts,
549
00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:53,619
is keener on actions these days.
550
00:26:53,620 --> 00:26:55,579
I'm going to be providing those.
551
00:26:55,580 --> 00:26:58,579
Stewart, there's no need
for you to clear your desk,
552
00:26:58,580 --> 00:27:01,259
cos you're a walking
thought pod, aren't you?
553
00:27:01,260 --> 00:27:04,259
Absolutely. Thank you very much.
554
00:27:04,260 --> 00:27:05,539
Thanks.
555
00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,299
Um, you know...
556
00:27:08,300 --> 00:27:13,379
I've spent ten years
detoxifying this party, hmm?
557
00:27:13,380 --> 00:27:17,699
It's been a bit like renovating
an old, old house, yeah?
558
00:27:17,700 --> 00:27:22,459
You can take out a sexist beam here,
a callous window there,
559
00:27:22,460 --> 00:27:25,339
replace the odd
homophobic roof tile.
560
00:27:25,340 --> 00:27:28,619
But after a while you realise
that this renovation is doomed.
561
00:27:28,620 --> 00:27:31,179
Because the foundations
are built on what
562
00:27:31,180 --> 00:27:35,579
I can only describe as
a solid bed of cunts.
563
00:27:35,580 --> 00:27:36,819
Wow!
564
00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:38,059
Bye, Stewart.
565
00:27:38,060 --> 00:27:39,260
Bye-bye, Stewart.
566
00:27:39,261 --> 00:27:41,340
Thanks for everything!
567
00:27:44,700 --> 00:27:46,300
Sod it.
568
00:27:48,596 --> 00:27:52,196
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
569
00:27:52,279 --> 00:27:53,798
Now, if we can just get
a couple of pictures,
570
00:27:53,860 --> 00:27:55,939
someone will give you
a knife and fork,
571
00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:57,619
and if you can pretend to eat me.
572
00:27:57,620 --> 00:27:59,739
What a great day!
573
00:27:59,740 --> 00:28:01,580
Peter? Sorry,
the Sun have just been on.
574
00:28:01,581 --> 00:28:05,979
I'm afraid a prisoner who was
accused of assaulting his wife
was accidentally released,
575
00:28:05,980 --> 00:28:09,499
he's gone back and attacked
the wife and children.
Oh, shit in the couscous!
576
00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,939
Right, OK,
we need a joint statement.
577
00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:14,699
Both departments were too busy
with the backlogs. Fuck it all!
578
00:28:14,700 --> 00:28:17,979
Yeah, basically stuff fell through
the cracks. Exactly. No-one's fault.
579
00:28:17,980 --> 00:28:20,019
Can this be double-stamped?
Fuck the stamps!
580
00:28:20,020 --> 00:28:22,019
And whose fault is it
the man was released?
581
00:28:22,020 --> 00:28:25,939
Terri, meeting in my office.
Well, uh, in Peter's office.
Well, I'm meeting in my office.
582
00:28:25,940 --> 00:28:27,100
I'm meeting in my office.
583
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,260
What a shit day!
51458
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