Original subtitles

What's going on, bud?

You love spaghetti à la Molng.

Troy's having a sleepover tonight,

and I wasn't invited.

Troy sounds like a dick.

You want to have your own sleepover and not invite him?

I'll give you full access to my movie collection.

And I mean full.

Better yet,

let's invite Troy, give him the wrong address.

You know, send him to a real nasty part of town.

- Okay. - There's no one to invite.

Troy invited every boy in class except me.

- What? - Okay.

No big deal. We have our own fun.

I'm sorry, that's a very big deal.

Number one, it's extremely rude;

number two... this is where friendships are forged.

Yeah. You get cut now, you're never coming back.

Okay, I think you are overreacting, no?

I think maybe you're underreacting.

When I was a kid, my friends and I 86'd Marissa Fetter

because she got boobs before we did.

Guess where she is now.

- Hooking? - Dead?

She's a dentist.

Don't dentists make a lot of money?

That is not the point.

She has to spend her entire day rooting around inside other people's mouths.

Gross.

What am I gonna do?

This is what we're gonna do.

You go get your jammies on.

- You're going to a sleepover tonight. - Come on.

Troy.

And did you check the jacket you wore last night?

Maybe it's in there.

It's not. I checked everywhere.

Well, they're not gonna let you in without an I.D.

I don't know what you want me to do. It's not here.

Well, maybe Kelsey can pass hers back.

Yeah, okay. They're gonna believe that I look like that?

I don't know. Maybe you guys should just go without me.

No, we can't go without you.

Seriously, it's fine. I can just chill at home.

- No, I mean we literally cannot get in without you. - Yeah.

Fuji put your name on the list.

Okay, well, I-I don't know what to tell you; it's not here.

Well, just keep looking, okay?

We're not missing tonight.

Okay, I get it!

You hearing what I'm hearing?

Sabrina lost her fake.

I know. It's like, call off the search,

just get naked already.

Dude, that's your sister.

All right... whatever. I won't look at that part of the screen.

You're missing the point.

I can make her an I.D. just like the ones I made us.

No way. I'm not doing her any favors.

No, dude, we can use it as leverage to force them to hang with us.

Snap.

Wait, that... that could just take our siblingship to the next level.

We could be as tight as the frickin' Gyllenhaals.

Damn, son, you scandalous, huh?

Troy's mom?

- Hi, can I help you? - Well, I certainly hope so.

I'm not sure how involved you were with creating the guest list for tonight,

but... my nephew Ben Pemberton got excluded.

No, I am so sorry about that.

I bet you are,

seeing as how he was the only boy in the class not invited.

Well, right, I... and I feel horrible...

- Do you? - But you know, Troy made the guest list,

and I just invited everybody on it.

So you know... and I wasn't expecting you...

Me to call you out on it.

No! That's not even what...

No, you know what? You don't have to explain yourself to me.

I would love for you to explain yourself to him though.

I just don't feel like breaking a little boy's heart today.

All right, buddy. Have the best time.

Don't screw this up. It's gonna be such a blast.

Remember, if everybody's doing something, you do it, too.

But what if I don't like it?

We'll figure out whether or not you like it tomorrow.

Okay. You know what? Just be yourself, all right?

They're gonna love you.

And if they don't, pop this bad boy in.

Simon Birch?

It's a decoy. You'll see.

Now, go get 'em, tiger.

Go away!

Sabrina.

Sorry. Didn't know you had company.

Yeah, you did.

Amanda, Kelsey. Nice to see you again.

Have we met?

No. No, but I... but, you know, I've seen you around.

Chip, you're making everybody uncomfortable.

Get the hell out of my room!

- We can make you fake I.D.s. - What?

Yeah. My boy makes sick fake I.D.s. You guys need one?

You have got to stop spying on me, dude.

What? No. We-we weren't spying.

We were just... he made a batch,

and we were trying to be neighborly,

but if you don't need them...

Let me see it.

"Chaz Pembrose, 6969 Park Avenue,

born 6/9/69"?

Chip, this makes you 48 years old.

But nobody's really doing the math on that.

That's the only thing they're doing.

Wait, this one's even worse.

"Jaden Smith"?

What are you guys thinking?

Okay, you know what? Just... forget it.

Girls, have a nice night.

Do they scan?

Of course they scan.

My boy's like frickin' Snowden.

Okay, how much?

Ladies, please.

We don't want your money, we...

we just want your company.

- Gross. - What?

No, no, no, no. Not like that.

No. We just want to go to the club with you guys.

Chip, we can't be seen in public with you.

You have to know that.

Okay, we'll just send you guys pictures from the dance floor.

- Come on. - Just do it.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Deal.

You won't regret this.

Yeah, I already do.

Hello?

Mickey.

I had an accident.

Were you driving?

What?

Who is this?

It's Ben.

Ben?

Why are you calling me so late?

I peed my bed.

Come on, man.

I-I stuck my neck out for you.

This is your move?

I was nervous.

Well... way to respond to pressure, buddy.

- Is this bad? - It's not good.

Who is that?

Ben peed the bed.

That's it.

He might as well take a dump on the front lawn.

- He's a goner. - Mickey.

- What do I do? - Just sit tight, okay?

I'm on my way. Don't wake anybody up.

Definitely don't pee anymore.

Please hurry.

Yes. I'm coming.

Okay, let's go. I will drive.

- Where did you come from? - I was listening in.

What?! Again? Alba, come on, you can't do that!

You can't listen in. Stop.

Why... were you having sex or something?

- No. - No.

Okay, what's the problem, then?

I don't have time for this.

Let's just go, all right?

As soon as we get home, we're talking about boundaries.

Shotgun.

Okay.

So what is our mission objective?

There is no mission.

We're not forming a ninja gang.

We're delivering dry sheets and pajamas to a child.

Okay, then, that would be our mission objective.

What's my role in this?

I-I don't know. Can you stop asking questions?

We'll just figure it out as we go.

Aunt Mickey, up here.

Hey, buddy. I got dry PJs for you.

Go ahead and toss me down your wet ones.

No.

Where's the heads-up?

Sorry.

It's cool. Okay. Here come the dry ones.

No! No, no, no!

Get it off me! They're wet!

Sorry again.

I think those are the sheets.

You think so? You think so?

Don't throw anything else, okay?

You ready?

You should've let me throw it.

Yeah.

There we go.

Okay...

Okay.

Put on the fresh PJs.

Flip the mattress, change the sheets, go back to sleep.

I can't flip the mattress by myself.

You're lucky you're cute, because you're useless.

Move.

Here we go.

God, man, you really weighed this thing down.

Wha...?

You peed through the whole thing?

How is that even possible?

I didn't mean to.

Well, this changes things. Stay there.

Guys!

The mattress is toast. He peed straight through it.

- No! - He cleared the whole thing?

Yeah. We need to find a new one now.

I'm on it.

Wait, where are you going to find a new mattress at this hour?

I didn't say it'd be new.

Come on, climb up here. Come on up.

Y'all ready to get crunk?

Boom. Let's ride, chicken heads.

My God.

What are you wearing? You guys look like complete douchebags.

Agree to disagree, but we'll talk about this in the limo.

Okay. You are out of your mind

if you think we're showing up in a limo.

Well, then you're out of your mind

if you think you're showing up at all.

Okay, just relax.

We just need to make some adjustments to whatever the hell this is.

No, this outfit's fire.

Would you guys ever hook up with... let me rephrase that.

Would you guys ever speak to a guy dressed like this?

- God, no. - Not a chance.

Yeah. Listen.

You're silently screaming out for help.

I can see it, okay?

So just let me help you. Okay? Come on.

- Y-You promise I'll look dope? - I promise.

I'll be whoever you want me to be.

Yeah. That'll do.

O-Okay. It's a little higher than I thought.

Yeah, yeah, but you're fine, just don't look down.

Get over here.

Can you pull a little bit harder?

You're one to talk with your skinny little puppet arms.

Yes, yes, Alba.

Check that one. Check that one.

- No? - No? Okay.

Okay. Nobody panic.

Nobody panic. All right, here. Look.

It's okay. It's okay. It's all right.

I got this.

What?

What the hell is taking you so long?

Hey, I'm doing the best I can, okay?

I took the hard job.

You don't hear me complaining.

So I'll be there when I'm there.

That's not good.

So what are we gonna do now?

Well, we're not gonna panic, are we?

No.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're just gonna jump.

Are you nuts?

Do you want to spend the whole night up here on this roof?

Okay, fine.

Y-You jump off first without dying, and then I will follow.

Okay.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen. No.

Unless... we've got something to break our fall.

You see, th-this is the thing about me

that nobody gives me credit for.

I am a problem solver. Right?

Okay. Go on.

- Yup. - What are you waiting for?

I-I thought you said it was no big deal?

No, it's a big deal, you know, 'cause I'm jumping off a roof.

Okay.

You okay?

Yeah.

It was actually pretty fun.

You're gonna love it.

No. No, thank you. I sleep up here tonight.

Got your mattress, Mick.

So you know what that means.

That means, when we get home,

you going right downtown

because I am the mayor.

My God.

- Mick, are you okay? - Yeah.

I'm okay.

That could be a problem.

Now, what are we gonna do?

That's a lot worse than a pee stain.

Nah, it's not so bad.

It could be any number of brown things,

- like chocolate or chili... - Diarrhea.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. I hadn't thought of that one.

- This is definitely worse. - Come on, way worse.

In the morning,

Ben is going to have a new nickname:

"Brown Ben," "Ben the Butt..."

All right, we only have a couple hours until the sun comes up.

Can we just not waste it by brainstorming poop nicknames?

I don't know. This could work.

I mean, Ben has some real plausible deniability here.

Diarrhea has a very specific scent.

This mattress will not pass the smell test.

No, k-kids don't care about logic.

To an eight-year-old, brown equals diarrhea.

That's-that's a fact.

All right, take it easy, okay? I'm just trying to help.

Well, you're not doing a very good job.

Do you have any idea what I went through to get this mattress?

What have you two done?

- You hit me with a car. - I am stuck on a roof.

"You just hit me with your car. I'm on a roof." Okay.

Need I remind you, there is a scared little boy up there

and he is staring down the barrel of four years of dental school.

Maybe he'll get lucky and another boy will pee the bed

and-and then Ben won't be the only loser.

H-Hold on a second.

What if it's not just one other boy?

What if they all wet their beds?

Come on, Mick. 100% saturation, not a chance.

Well, you leave that to me.

First things first, help me get this mattress inside.

All right.

What-what are you do... what are you doing?

I'm gonna break the window so we can get back in.

You can't just smash a window.

Don't you think that'll raise a few questions?

Well, you find a dead squirrel and throw it in there after.

Why would a squirrel smash through the window?

I don't know, maybe 'cause it's a flying squirrel.

And where are we gonna find a dead flying squirrel?

You don't have to.

You just find a squirrel and a bird,

then you glue them together.

No one knows what a flying squirrel looks like.

Well, I know it doesn't look like a bird glued to a squirrel.

Guys. Get in here.

That'll work, too.

Hate to admit it, but Sabrina was right.

We look certified fresh.

We're about to get so much tang, it's ridiculous.

All right, let's bounce, ladies.

Tang Twins are ready to go.

No.

Where'd they go?

The I.D.s.

Damn it.

- They ditched us? - That bitch.

Your brother is such a loser.

How are you guys even related?

Okay, relax, okay?

We're only half... different dads.

- That makes sense. - Yeah.

Speak of the devil.

Baby bro.

Sabrina. Where'd you go?

Well, it occurred to us

that showing up to the club with you guys

would be the most humiliating experience of our lives,

so we just decided to leave you behind.

And you know what?

I feel like I was way too hard on the limo thing earlier.

It is super douchey, but we're very comfortable.

That's so great. I'm so glad you like it, Sabrina.

Or should I say "Harriet Tubman"?

What?

Check the I.D.

You son of a bitch.

We'll be outside.

Welcome back, ladies.

Do you have the I.D.?

I do, but I'm gonna hang onto it till we hit the club.

You understand.

You guys mind if I smoke a cigar in here?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. What's the plan?

Easy.

We're gonna pee all over these kids.

Mick, I want to be a team player,

but my stream isn't what it used to be.

I'm not talking about you, creep.

Okay, Ben, you ready to do what you do best?

Go back to bed, or I'll kill you.

All right, buddy. Have fun at your sleepover.

We'll be back to pick you up in about 40 minutes.

Thanks, guys.

You... you-you girls look really hot tonight.

Listen, sis.

Before we go pop bub in this club,

and I give you this sweet I.D.,

I'd like to offer you a truce.

God.

I think we can both admit that you've grossly underestimated me.

And if tonight has shown us anything after all these years,

it's that we're finally on equal footing.

I just want to make sure that when we roll up in this club,

we're not going just as brother and sister,

but, you know, as... as best friends.

Now, will you be my roll dog?

The Maggie to my Jake?

Sure, Chip. Yeah, sure.

"Chip"? I'm sorry, I don't think I know a Chip.

I-I do know a Chaz.

Okay, you know what, Chaz?

We're here, so how about you just give me my I.D.?

No problem.

But first, can I get a "What, what"?

What, what.

What was that?

- What, what! - That's my girl.

Let's go party our frickin' balls off, huh?

Dude. Those are our girls.

What are you doing?

Sorry, man.

We're at capacity.

All right, well, we got I.D.S.

Yeah, they scan and everything.

An adult would never say that.

But those girls are underage, too.

Who cares?

Sorry.

Chaz Pembrose,

I'm afraid you and... Jaden Smith...

You Jaden Smith?

- Yes. - Jaden Smith in the building.

- I see you, son. Go ahead, man... - Yeah.

- I'm his money manager. - No, you're not.

You know what? That's fine. I don't need this.

I got my stretch limmy waiting and everything, so...

No! No, no!

I'm not proud of what happened here tonight,

but we did what we needed to do.

Yeah. Yeah, I've always said,

you got to break the law to do the right thing.

Yeah, we did that. We got a couple.

Breaking and entering, larceny.

I don't know what they tag you with

when you pee all over a bunch of sleeping kids.

That's assault.

Assault, right.

Excuse me.

It's you.

Troy's mom. Top of the morning to you.

It's 6:00 a.m. What-what are you doing here?

We never left.

Nah, we been tooling around your roof,

and all over your property pretty much the entire night.

I'm kidding. We're here to pick up Ben.

Can you go wake him up for us, please?

Actually, they're already up, they... it's weird.

They all wet their beds last night.

- Every single one of them? - Yeah.

- That's really strange. - Weird.

What'd you, feed them all soup?

- Aunt Mickey, guess what, guess what, guess what. - What?

We're all gonna pee at Aiden's house next weekend.

Are you serious?

Yeah, they-they were all pretty upset at first, but then,

Ben insisted they were "pee brothers"?

A-And they seemed to have really bonded over it, so...

That is terrific.

- Pee brothers. I like that. - Yeah.

Good job, buddy.

All right, let's go. What do you say to Troy's mom?

Thanks for letting us pee in your house.

- You're welcome. - Good boy.

Hop on in.

Watch those piggies.

Such a strange family.