Original subtitles

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw a party ♪

♪ invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached would say ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network,

And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

Sophia, isn't that sauce ready?

It's coming, it's coming.

My god. I haven't cooked this much

Since I worked in mussolini's kitchen

During world war--

Since the feldman wedding.

O.K., man. Ready to help.

Stick your hand in that chicken,

And pull out the giblets.

Man, get out of here.

I mean it. Stick your hand in there.

I'm not sticking my hand in there.

Roland, I told you I needed kitchen help.

You volunteered.

What are you afraid of?

Everything that's in there.

There's three things I don't do--

Number one--I don't squish bugs,

Number two-- I don't answer guys in the bathroom

When they ask, "hey, does this look normal to you?"

And number three-- I don't stick my hand in dead chickens.

What do you mean, you don't squish bugs?

I don't. I "shoo" them.

You "shoo" them?

Hey, I just shoed one, too.

Let me understand this.

If you saw a spider,

You wouldn't just squish it?

Mm-mmm.

Oh, man, you're crazy.

I'm crazy?

Yeah.

O.K. Suppose you squish this spider

And then you flush him down the toilet.

But what if he's not really squished?

And when you close your eyes

And flush him down the toilet,

He hides on the side of the bowl...

Healing from this partial squish.H.

And then one night when it's dark...

And he's strong...

You sit down.

And when you are most vulnerable, he gets you!

So?

So then you're in the bathroom asking some guy,

"does this look normal to you?"

[phone rings]

Front desk.

Uh, yes, mr. Burrows.

I know there are supposed to be

Eight chicken fingers in an order.

I'm sorry you only got seven.

Well, my god! Since you lawyers got here,

All you've done is threaten to sue.

No, no.

It will be my pleasure to give you the finger.

Bye.

Oliver, run and take a chicken finger up to 215.

Gotcha.

I hope we never have a convention

Of personal injury lawyers again.

They're driving everybody crazy.

Thank goodness they're leaving on the 6th.

They check out on the 9th.

No, the 6th.

I wrote it right here

On my "scenes from st. Olaf" calendar.

Isn't that a wonderful picture

Of the salmon swimming downstream?

Rose, salmon swim upstream.

Oh, dear! They are checking out on the 9th.

And look how horny the fish look this way.

Well, we have a problem.

I just took a reservation

From a group of judges from jacksonville.

They arrive on the 8th.

The hotel is sold out.

Chuy's been screaming he needs more help in the kitchen.

If those judges come, we'll be overbooked.

It's just for one night.

There must be something we can do.

We cannot check in one more person.

We don't have any rooms.

Hello. I understand you're looking for kitchen help.

Here is my resume. I am a chef.

Uh-huh. Well...You're very well qualified.

Why don't you just go right through there to the kitchen,

Tell chuy that blanche said you'll start immediately.

You know, when you hold the calendar this way,

It's a herd of live cows.

Blanche at the desk

Said I should come in here to work.

Welcome aboard.

Stick your hand in a chicken.

Get out of here, man!

Get out before I cut your ears off.

You guys know each other?

Yeah. I caught him in bed with my wife.

You sure it's his ears you want to cut off?

Go on, get out of here, man.

Get out of here!

Hey, chuy--

Hey, I'll take care of this, o.K.?

Hey, I just came here to talk to you.

Oh, sure.

What have you been doing

Since you were iny bed with my wife

Under my binky?

I mean my blanket.

Binky is spanish for blanket.

You're not working in my kitchen, man.

The lady gave me a job.

You can't fire me just because you don't like me.

Oh, yes, I can.

No, you can't.

I thought this out before I came here.

If you fire me, that's called, uh,

Firing somebody without cause.

You can't do that.

Are you going to sue me?

Where are you going to find a lawyer?

What?

It's from the insurance company.

The check I sent and our policy, both marked canceled.

They canceled our liability insurance.

Why would they do that?

Remember when rose covered the pool

Before everybody was out of it?

Yeah.

Well, apparently, this guy's still having bad dreams.

The insurance company settled with him,

And they're not renewing our policy.

We ought to be the ones suing.

We had to repaint the side of the pool

To get out those scratch marks.

Look, blanche, we got to be careful.

Without insurance, if we lose a court case,

We could lose everything.

O.K., let's go, let's go.

I hope you told those judges we have no room.

I think I figured out how we can keep everybody happy.

Really? What's your plan?

It's not really my plan.

It was devised in st. Olaf

During the big monkey trial of 1945.

The big monkey trial?

Yes. It's a good thing we were able to find

A jury of his peers,

Or we would have convicted the wrong big monkey.

Oh, that trial caused such a flap in st. Olaf.

It seems that mrs. Ingovar's monkey

Somehow got hold of a typewriter.

Anyway, he got a little lucky,

And he typed out a self-help book

Called healing the monkey within.

Of course, everybody wanted to see that trial.

We were sitting on each other's laps.

We had to double up.

And soon the verdict was read.

What happened to the monkey? Ow!

He was found guilty of intelligence.

So the townspeople shaved him.

It turned out o.K., though,

Because mrs. Ingovar became rich

Passing him off at carnivals as a man from mars.

What's the point of all this?

Well, I guess the point is

If you want to make some money, shave your monkey.

How does it help us?

You really haven't been listening, have you?

We have to double up.

If the three of us gals share a room,

And if roland and chuy and oliver share,

We'll only have to have one judge and one lawyer share a room.

Fine! Do it!

Hey, blanche, wait a minute.

You can't bring more guests into the hotel

When we don't have insurance.

We are finally making some money.

We are booked up.

It's worth the risk.

Isn't this a decision

You should make with your partners?

Honey, I would never know how to track them all down.

Oh...

You mean my hotel partners?

Mm-hmm!

It's o.K. I'm in charge.

Hey, guys, can we get lunch going here or what?

He still won't talk.

Would you talk to someone who had sex with your wife?

I don't care what he does...

As long as he washes his hands afterward.

Let me ask you.

If you found your best friend--

Someone you grew up with--

In bed with someone you love,

Wouldn't you be mad?

It would depend on the circumstances.

Maybe they'd been to a dance.

And maybe they'd both had too much to drink.

Maybe he'd just said he was going to show me his appendix scar.

Stop judging me!

Stop judging me!

You and delores were already separated.

I knew how miserable you were feeling.

That's why I went to talk to her.

To explain what you were feeling.

That makes perfect sense.

You wanted to know what I was feeling,

So you started feeling my wife!

It wasn't like that. It just happened.

Rubin, you want me to say you can have delores?

Go ahead! She's all yours.

I don't want delores.

I want to be wityou. You're the one I love.

Now here's a twist I wasn't expecting.

Come on, blanche.

I miss you, man.

Don't you miss us hanging out together?

I'm not forgiving you. I can't.

Ever since we were 6 years old.

You remember we met in miss hernandez' class?

You've been my best friend.

I still remember that day you walked in that room.

You had that great smile.

Do you remember that?

You stole my crayons.

What?

That's what I remember.

You stole my crayons.

First my crayons, now my wife.

Everything I ever loved to play with.

When am I going to learn you're a thief?

You've taken enough from me.

Oh, no, thank you.

What are you so grumpy about?

The only insurance I can get

Isn't going to protect us from anything,

And we're still overbooked.

Rose is still trying to talk that lawyer

Into sharing a room with a judge.

It'll be just like going to summer camp.

I remember meeting my new tent mate.

We had so much fun.

Playing "lose rose in the forest"...

Or "dump rose in the middle of the lake."

And then somehow I'd make it back,

And everybody would be singing kumbaya.

Oh, what do you say?

Forget it.

We'll give you a free room.

There's a good reason.

I'll do it.

You'll be sharing a room with a mr. Angel.

[motorcycles revving]

I'm sorry. We're all booked up.

We have reservations.

We're the judges of jacksonville.

I spoke with a woman named...Rose.

She's rose.

Get rid of them.

Um...

Your honors, um...

Hi!

Listen, I made a mistake.

And we really don't have enough room.

I mean, if you stayed here,

You'd have to share a room with him.

Sounds like fun.

It wouldn't be, he's a lawyer.

Great!

I hate lawyers.

O.K., I'll need your full name, mr. Angel.

Angel of death.

What a silly little mix-up.

I guess you won't want to stay with us tonight.

Oh, I'll stay,

But if anything happens to me,

This hotel is mine.

Everybody ready for lights out?

Yep.

Why am I in the middle?

I like to get up to drink water.

Then you like to get up and let it out.

Only sometimes you don't get up.

Oh, I hope that lawyer and that biker are o.K.

It's a shame how society has to kowtow to those hooligans.

Those no-goods who prey on decent people everywhere.

And the bikers are just as bad.

We really don't have to worry.

Even if that lawyer sues,

We're covered by our insurance policy.

Girls...

I'm afraid we have to talk.

What's the matter, blanche?

I wish there was some other way to tell you.

We have no insurance policy.

What do you mean?

The company canceled our policy,

And I'm having trouble getting us covered.

What does this mean, blanche?

If that lawyer should sue us,

Or if rubin should sue us,

If we have any legal problems,

We're likely to lose everything.

When did work become so hard?

We have to worry about every little detail.

1, 2, 3--

Hey, slow down. Slow down, man.

4, 5, 6, 7.

8!

No, thanks. I just did.

I thought you said you wanted to pump up.

No, I said plump up.

Besides, nobody trusts a skinny chef.

What do you mean?

All the great chefs are porkers.

Prudhomme, beard.

What's that other dude's name?

Uh, julia child.

Guys, your tent's ready.

Hey, oliver, why don't you sleep in the tent, man?

You can pretend you're in the woods.

I'm a city kid. I hate the woods.

There are bugs in the woods.

Then I'm definitely not sleeping in the woods.

Wait, you're a kid, and we're two big, strong men.

Now get in the tent.

I'll sleep in the tent.

Good night, everybody.

♪ kumbaya, my lord ♪

♪ kumbaya ♪

♪ someone's singing, lord ♪

♪ kumbaya ♪

♪ oh lord, kumbaya ♪♪

What in hell is that?

My feet.

They're freezing.

I know, so I figured I'd put them

In the hottest place in miami.

Not without dinner and a movie first.

It's not like I'm walking

Where no man's walked before.

Ohh, I just had my favorite abominable snowman dream.

I still feel chills.

Those are sophia's feet.

Hi.

Well, move 'em, lady.

Sorry I woke you.

I wasn't really asleep.

I was just lying here, thinking.

You know, in my wildest dreams,

I didn't think the hotel business

Was going to be this hard.

Well, actually, in my wildest dreams,

I'm carried off to the jungle

By a gorgeous man in a leopard skin loincloth.

I haven't worked this hard

Since I was on my father's dirt farm back in sicily.

What did your father grow?

Dirt.

What are you doing, rose?

Making a tent. Let's pretend we're in camp.

Oh, I'm just not in the mood, rose.

How many more times in our lives

Will we get to play camp?

O.K., rose. All right.

Although it would be more fun

If we had a boys camp across the lake

We could paddle to.

Don't worry. I have some great new scary stories.

Oh, we're too old for scary stories.

This one is called, "the day dorothy quit smoking."

Ooh! Ooh!

[tattoo needle buzzes]

There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

I love it!

"born to litigate."

I need a shrimp salad...

From the winner.

I'll get I

You two still fighting?

Well, not too much longer.

This is my last night.

Aw, we're going to miss you.

You seem nice, except for that

Sleeping-with- the-best-friend's- wife thing.

♪ kumbaya, lord ♪

♪ kumbaya ♪♪

So, you're going to go, huh?

Why not? You're not going to talk to me.

Look, chuy.

I'm not perfect, man.

And I'm really sorry about what happened.

For what it's worth.

Crayons?

Well, it's a start.

Look, uh, I'm going to...

Split.

Rubin?

Come here.

Look, I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this for the old chuy.

You're forgiving him?

Oh, well, in my day,

If a man caught his wife in the embrace

Of another man,

He would never forgive him,

Not even for something as innocent

As a new year's eve kiss

With an old friend of the family

I had known for years.

Stop judging me.

I'm not a tramp.

I'm not a tramp!

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.