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d

d

[singing in French] III

Little hands, little feet,

sent from heaven, perfectly sweet.

They truly are angels.

Angels.

Oliver, you touch those blinds one more time

I swear I will murder you.

Oh my god, where did you get that?

Libby, sweetheart, go play with the other kids.

No.

Anyone else need a little hair of the dog?

No?

YOU'?

No?

Ugh, god.

I had a crazy night last night.

I remember when we had crazy nights.

You four party hopping in Ruth's Malibu classic?

I am so glad those days are behind me.

So silly.

[Gasps]

Are you kidding me?

That is so cute!

It's not even right it's so cute.

The cutest.

Yeah, cutest Halloween costume I've ever seen.

Ruth, it's not a Halloween costume.

I dust thought because of the bunny ears and tail.

No.

I get it now, it's cute.

It's sooooo cute.

This one's from Ruth.

Santa Clause.

Very funny.

Is it a toy?

What is it?

[Collectively] Let me see!

What is it?

[Snickers]

What is it?

It's a penis.

[Chanting] Penis! Penis! Penis!

Alright, alright!

[Chanting] Penis! Penis! Penis!

Yes!

Give it back.

Give it back, please, now, ok?

It's a doke.

A 939-

Come on!

[Giggling]

Give me the bat, kid.

I'll show you how it's done.

This pinata is a piece of shit.

Sham!

I'm dust helping the kids with the pinata.

Ok.

You guys are in luck

because my parents named me after Babe Ruth.

Who?

Aaaagh!

[Screaming in pain]

He's alright, I think he's dust more scared than anything.

Oliver? How many fingers am I holding up?

Buddy?

Should I get a Band-aid or something?

Get her away from me!

dust go.

I know it hurts, it'll get better though.

It's gonna get better.

It's ok, sweetie.

[crying]

Sorry about that, little fella.

[crying]

Ok, it's ok.

It's ok, hold still.

[Dance music]

[Throws up]

[CeCe Peniston's " Finally"] d" Finally, it's happened to me d

I right in front of my face I

I and I dust cannot hide it. d

I Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams, I

I the one who showed me true love, d

I or at least it seems. I

I With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair, I

I it's dust the way he looks at me, I

I that gentle loving stare. I

I Finally, you've come along, I

I the way I feel about you dust can't be wrong. I

I If you only knew the way I

I I feel about you, I

I I dust can't describe it, oh, no no- d�

[Knocking]

"M up, dad!

Dubster, it's Ruth.

You, me, drinks tonight.

Whaddya say?

I'm like...

five cents short.

Not my problem.

Seriously? Seriously.

Five cents.

That's cool, I'll walk.

I need exercise.

[beeping]

Time.

57 seconds.

Are you kidding me?

It was 53 seconds, you pushed the button down late.

And I had organic baby artichoke hearts in there, new code.

Not bad.

Pedro, stop breathing on my back.

I Will kill you.

Okie Dokie.

Smoke break.

Yeah, totally.

Meet you guys out there in a sec.

Hey Ted, how's it going?

Not too shabby.

Crazy, you're a winner!

I'm sorry, what?

Lucky five double-o.

It means your groceries are free.

Oh, I wish I had more.

Pedro?

Pedro?

Si, senora.

Take a picture with my phone.

I want to have, like, a Wall of winners for the contest.

Ok.

You're gonna...

alright.

Ok, do the smile.

Alright, I'm actually in a hurry here so I'm gonna-

Take another one.

He didn't get the gift certificate in the shot.

Ok.

Ok.

[Cell Phone Vibrates]

Oh, shit.

That's a 911, I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait!

Your groceries.

Oh, yeah, I should uh...

thank you.

Hey Ruth, you coming or what?

Yeah.

Hey, we should totally hang tonight.

Yeah, same time, same place?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you bring a lighter?

No.

Wooo!

Yeah, Ruth.

Finally.

That's a lot of stuff.

Open the door!

Oh my god.

You're the bomb.

Let's get wasted!

This is some fresh shit.

Liz always has the best stuff.

We should so go back to my place right now

and watch Wayne's World.

Wayne's World?

Me and my friends can quote the entire movie verbatim.

Aaah, turn it off, turn it off!

It's sucking my wig, oh the humanity!

Oh my god, I would literally kill

for sour cream and onion chips right now.

Oh yeah.

I'll run to the store and grab some.

You have the keys to the store?

[giggling]

[Rock music] NJ'

[Rock music] NJ'

[Rock music] NJ'

One box extra large condoms, cantaloupe, chips.

Ok.

Hello.

That's the Stokke Exploree, voted best stroller of 2014

in Parenting Magazine.

How much is it?

$800.

There you go.

Urn, do you have a washroom?

Oh, yeah.

It's dust right around the corner there.

Oh, oh, oh!

[vomits]

Oh no, oh you poor thing.

I've been there before, it's not fun.

I know.

dust go, quick.

Before my boss gets back from lunch.

Ok?

Go ahead.

It's ok.

Hey Shan, it's dust me calling again,

dust calling to see how you're doing.

Hmm, I'm thinking maybe your phone is dead or something.

We should get best friend rings.

You know what?

Uh, I have something for you,

I think I'm dust gonna drop it by later.

[Rings Doorbell]

Hey!

It's your real baby shower gift.

It's an award winner.

The Stokke Exploree.

No, no I test drove this model,

it's really sticky on a three point turn.

Oh.

(child): Mom, Didi said I have to eat a poo sandwich for dinner.

I better go deal with that.

Mmmhmm.

Oh, hey, do you want to call Deb

maybe grab a drink at Tommy's later?

We don't do that anymore, Ruth.

Mom, I don't want to eat poo.

Wake up, will ya?

Come on, it's almost noon for Christ's sake.

Your sister's here already.

Come on!

You're supposed to go around and knock on the front door.

I'd get my sneakers wet.

Get up.

Get the stupid dog out of here!

Check mate.

Wow.

Wow, that's good.

You're getting good, girl.

[laughs]

[Coughing]

Hey, listen.

You gotta do me a favour, please try to clean up

that cigarette garden of yours, please, today.

Wow, that's incredible.

Someone in the world still smokes?

Way to show 'em, Ruth.

I brought you a butter tart from work.

What're you thinking?

My cholesterol...

Why are you trying to kill our father?

It turns out, we have something for you too, dad.

Drumroll, please.

Yeah.

Ronald! Drumroll.

D-d-d-d..

I can't do it.

We've decided that it's time for us to start a family.

Wow, I mean, that's great!

Wow.

You're pregnant?

No, but I had my IUD removed yesterday,

so if my menstrual cycle chart is correct

I think you can expect a grandchild

by the second or third week of dune.

Wow.

Aah.

Hey, I'm really happy.

That's fantastic.

Everybody come to the garage,

I have something to show you.

Come on. Come on, Ruth.

Ok.

Ronald.

Come on, Ruthie.

Ronald!

You like it?

How long have you been working on this?

Long enough for it to gather some dust.

Oh, dad, it's beautiful.

Are you happy?

It's amazing.

I'm proud of you.

Seriously?

All she did was pull the goalie.

[Sigh]

I gotta go to work.

Ok, we're good.

Good side?

Good side.

[Laughing]

Every time I go in there it's happening.

I dust close the door.

[knocks]

Hey, Ruth.

HEY-

'Sup, bitches.

What're we talking about?

Urn... baby sign language?

That's cool, I know some signs.

There's your tea.

Thank you.

How's Ollie's head?

Uh... he might have septum damage.

Sorry about that.

Ruth, listen.

We've been talking and we've all decided that

We don't think it's fair to bore you

with all our lame mommy talk anymore.

You can talk about it.

No, urn...

we dust think you'd be happier if you found friends

that you have more in common with.

What?

YOU guys are my gang.

You four.

Look, I'm sorry about the baby shower,

I had a brain fart.

Ruth, you dust don't fit in anymore.

Alright, that's cool.

[robotic voice]What the fuck are you looking at?

What the fuck are you looking at?

Hey, wanna tickle my tattoo?

You got a nice one.

Yeah.

Did that hurt?

HEY-

He)', guys.

Anybody going to the hospital?

I need a ride to the hospital.

Passing by the hospital?

I need a ride.

Wanna tickle my tattoo?

Heyyy!!!

d

d

Sorry, I uh...

Don't worry about it.

Really?

d

d

d

d

d

Ok, like five more minutes and we're out of here.

It's coming down.

Ruth? Is that you?

What're you doing here?

With a stroller?

Oh my god, are you following us?

What?

No, I'm dust cutting through the park.

Hey there, how are you feeling?

Morning sickness is dust the worst, isn't it?

I'm sorry, what?

Morning sickness?

Ruth, are you pregnant?

[Laughs]

Yep.

Holy shit, why didn't you tell us before?

How? Who?

Ruth's pregnant.

Oh god.

You know, I can't really get into all that right now,

I'm actually feeling a little morning sickness-ish again,

SO...

You poor thing.

It's so cute that you're practicing.

Oh yeah, I am.

Hey, Shannon says she'll make you a big feast

during Madison's dazz dance!

Ok, great!

What?

Oh my god.

No, it's true.

So, it turns out I was lying.

I was conducting, like, a social experiment.

Isn't that hilarious?

Over here.

Hi!

So...

who's the father?

Was it an accident?

How far along, are you passed the three month mark?

Ok, this is hilarious.

It was an accident.

The father...

it's complicated, and past the three month mark.

Yes!

Why didn't you tell us you were pregnant?

I guess I dust didn't want you to think I was pathetic.

You haven't been smoking, have you?

Deb, um, hey.

I woke up this morning with cramps and um...

there's bleeding.

I think there's something wrong with the baby.

Call me.

[Dog whining]

What?

Uh, good morning everybody.

I uh...

I really appreciate y'all being here,

really, I do.

Uh, as most of you know today is my last day

and I want to introduce you to Danny Makerman.

[claps]

He's from the Value King head office,

he's going to oversee the last part of the transition.

I dust wanted to say thank you to all of you

for being part of my team and for all-

[Breaks up]

I'll take over, thank you, Mario.

It's very emotional.

Uh, first of all I would dust like to say "howdy".

Thank you for having me.

A little heads up, I know I come across as a super fun guy,

but I run a pretty tight ship,

and it's my dob to ensure that we operate

at Value King standards.

It's gonna mean some big changes around here.

What is your name, good sir?

Pedro.

Pedro, I noticed you have a little

something on the uniform there.

A little schmutz.

Ok, Well let's take a little pride in our appearance.

This is Value King.

Thank you.

Uh, Who's station is this?

Uh, mine.

Right.

Please have all paraphernalia cleared out by the end of today.

This is a business, not your middle school locker.

[Mocking] Hi, my name is Danny Makerman,

I'm a super fun guy.

Ruth.

Mmmhmm?

A word?

Please, have a seat.

Did you have a party in the store?

Um...

I saw the whole thing reviewing surveillance footage.

We have a surveillance camera?

We do.

And you are fired.

For what?

Because I bought some chips off hours?

Yes.

And because you've dust lied about it.

Ok, that was stupid, but I paid for everything

and I cleaned up and...

look, it will never happen again.

I have worked here since I was 15

you can't fire me.

I don't have a choice.

I'm sorry.

Ruth, I got your message.

Is everything ok with the baby?

The baby?

She's pregnant.

Oh my god, why...

why didn't you say something?

Look, forget what we were talking about.

Is everything alright?

Well, it was a close call but um...

it turns out that everything's gonna be ok.

[sighs of relief]

Oh yeah.

I'm gonna buy me a bunch of this sports stuff.

What if it's a girl?

Huh?

What if it's a girl?

That'll be great.

I'm talking, you know, like bisexual sports stuff.

Whatever.

[laughs]

I need the Stokke Exploree but they're sold out absolutely everywhere,

so let's try here.

I'm gonna wait out here.

Why?

Because I don't want to look at any more baby stuff.

Dad, Ruth is not supporting my pregnancy.

You're not even pregnant.

See?

What the hell is the matter with you?

You're gonna be a brat?

You can't spend ten minutes with your sister?

Ten minutes?

Fine, I'll go in.

Fine, come on, let's go.

Christ.

I'm dust saying maybe you're, you know,

dumping the gun a little.

I'm sorry, I'm dust doing

a little thing called "pre-planning".

It's what successful people do.

Because I will be pregnant.

Soon.

And when I get pregnant, I'm gonna be pregnant hard.

Oh, hey, guess what?

The grocery store by my house only hires people

with downs syndrome to bag groceries now,

and I was like "that's my big sister's dob".

Oh my god, maybe my big sister is half downs.

That would explain why you're such a loser.

I'm not a loser, ok?

I'm-

Take a look at this.

What? What are you, Ruth?

I'm pregnant.

What?

I'm pregnant.

What are you talking about?

What does that mean?

With twins.

A girl and a boy.

You're full of shit.

Hey there again.

Boy, were you smart to get the Exploree when you did

because we're completely sold out

and We're not getting any more in for a couple of months.

Now is this the grandpa?

You must be so excited.

So um...

do We know this guy?

Obviously it was a drunken one-night stand.

Hey, hey. Come on.

He's a doctor.

Yeah?

[Laughs]

There's no way.

We're in love.

And he's super excited about the babies.

Nice.

Why aren't you showing if it's twins?

I know, alright?

I dust have to keep it up long enough

to wipe that smug look off of Hillary's face.

Hey!

Don't touch that.

Get your beady dudging eyes off me.

[barking]

Oh yeah, about four months.

I know.

Dammit.

Pedro, this is your last warning.

And no more earphones.

I can hear Britney Spears across the store.

Who doesn't like Britney Spears?

Ruth, shirts must be tucked in.

Then I would need a bigger size.

Oh, right.

Yes.

Boy, you've really popped.

You know, we should put the crazy, sugary cereals

on a higher shelf so kids can't reach them.

Kids reaching them is the point.

[Loud speaker] Manager, override on three.

Excuse me.

I know your little secret.

What're you talking about?

Your oven, she is empty.

What?

No bun.

Ok, you're loco.

In my country I was a doctor.

I can tell a fake oven when I see one.

Are you telling me that you are a doctor?

Ok, well I guess you're a little rusty then

because I'm fully pregnant.

Ok.

[Gasps]

I can't believe you dust did that.

Please don't tell anyone.

Ok, you make sure I don't get fired

and your secret is safe with me.

Are you blackmailing me right now?

Si, I am blackmailing you.

I have five children to support.

Ok, well look.

The whole thing is stupid.

It's been fun and everything, but it's over now, so...

tell whoever you want, I don't give a shit.

I'm looking for my dad.

Walter Huxley?

That's right.

Oh my god.

He had a heart attack.

Come here, honey.

Excuse us for a second.

I'm sorry, what?

dust excuse us for a second.

I'm strong as a bull.

Girls, the doctor says keep the stress to a minimum,

but he can go home whenever he's ready.

Wait, no chance.

I'm not going home until after tomorrow

because you promised me a sponge bath.

Dad, that's disgusting.

It is not disgusting.

And you don't gotta worry about me kicking it

because I'm not going anywhere until I see my grandkids.

Hi, I'm Dr. Gallagher.

Walter.

HEY-

A quick update for you here.

Wait a minute, aren't you that guy from the-

Oh, no, he dust looks... sort of looks-

Oh, hi.

Did I leave my iPhone case on your counter?

I was sure that I-

Oh, yeah.

You did.

Because I got the page and-

Oh shit!

You're actually a doctor??

Oh my gosh, you're the guy!

You're the guy.

You're the guy!

This is good.

I mean, I thought you'd take off running into the woods,

you know?

No, I generally finish my rounds.

Well, you are a sane one man.

dust doing my dob, sir.

Speaking of which, all good news.

I think we can get you out of here pretty quick.

Oh, yeah, that too.

Right.

Ok everyone, I think that Dr. Ted, uh...

I mean Ted is pretty busy with his other patients who are-

Well, I am a patient.

And I want to say that son, I'm proud of you.

I mean, el toro.

You know?

Twins, you know what I'm saying?

Twins... twin... zeros, with a five in front.

Remember?

That was your number for the groceries?

Right.

Anyway, this is how we met.

Congrats on that for us so yaw.!

Ok everyone, say goodbye to Dr. Ted.

Hey, Dr. Ted.

Next week, one night dust come by, you know,

we'll sit and talk, we'll have a drink.

Ok.

Darn, he's actually got rounds that night.

Ok, I'll see you at the store later?

Nope.

Ok, have a wicked surgery, Ted.

Teddy bear.

Have you told anyone yet?

Look. I need to stay pregnant for a little while longer,

also I'm afraid my dad is going to die of a broken heart,

literally.

Will you please keep my secret?

Ok, look.

You scratch my back, I'll scratch your back.

Excuse your reach, sure, no problem.

Ruth.

Can I speak to you in my office?

Why?

It should only take a minute.

So.

Are the babies kicking yet?

Sorta.

It's amazing.

I read that.

Four months, that's about when it starts.

The dad must be excited.

Oh yeah, he's already referring to himself as "grandpa".

Oh, no, no.

I meant the babies' dad.

Oh, right.

Yeah, he is.

He's a doctor, so he knows a lot about babies.

Your boyfriend's a pediatrician.

Cardiologist.

Wow.

Can I speak to you in confidence?

I've had three people quit this week.

Any idea why?

May I speak candidly?

They're calling you "Danny Dictator".

Ah.

I commend your honesty.

It's not a problem.

Sales are down, clientele are leaving

despite the fact that everything is newer and cheaper.

They're not happy upstairs.

I think customers miss bantering

with a grumpy old man when they shop.

This isn't uptown.

People want, like, a neighbourhood feel

to their shopping experience.

So soften the corporate edges?

Exactly.

Maybe I should put Mariah's soccer flags

back up on the wall?

That's a great idea.

[Banging]

Woman's voice): Oh my god, I'm going to see this place

within an inch of it's life, oh my god.

Oh goodness, oh ma'am, are you ok?

Are you alright?

Here we are, ok.

Pedro?

Si, senor?

Where is the "caution, wet floor" sign?

Here, easy.

Alright.

That's it, that was your last chance.

Oh, um...

it was me.

What?

Yeah, uh...

I was the one who forgot to put the sign out.

Sorry, I've dust got mador pregnant brain.

Well, it's...

nothing's broken.

Why don't you dust take me out to my car

and then we'll call it even.

Ok, take it easy there.

[Clears throat]

I apologize.

So you're giving me a gift certificate, right?

I forgive you.

Ok, there's Libby eating a watermelon,

and on the porch, on the swing...

brushing her teeth, good dob.

And...

[laughs]

That's when she tried on my heels.

That's not even right.

Why?

Because it's so cute?

Oh.

I have a present for you.

You do?

Yeah.

No! You can't eat that, sugar may cause ADD in fetuses.

It's made with honey.

Honey is sugar.

But it's natural.

So is cocaine.

I enrolled you in a Lamaze class.

It is called "Finding your flower power"

and it is amazing.

So amazing.

The flower imagery really opened up my cervix.

My vagina is a blooming orchid.

I like to think of my vagina as an overripe peach.

I credit this class with my last birth being entirely pain-free.

And Mr. Epidural.

No drugs.

We have been birthing babies since the beginning of time.

It's what we are built to do.

Besides, I don't want my baby coming into this world

stoned out of her gourd.

As far as I'm concerned, it's a form of child abuse.

I guess so.

I actually had an orgasm during Madison's birth.

Ok, that's hot.

Guys, we should totally all go out on Friday night,

live it up.

CeCe Peniston is having a comeback tour,

we should all go!

Oh my god, yes, that!

I Finally, it has happened to me, I

I right in front of my face I

I and I dust cannot hide it... I

I'll probably pass.

Yeah, my kids have swimming lessons.

HEY-

Hop in.

So What is this surprise?

Well, first of all we're going to pick up this Dr. Ted fellow.

Where does he live?

This is something he's gotta see.

He's out of town.

Still?

What, has he got an office in Cleveland?

I mean, that's not good.

Not good at all.

I booked you for a 3D ultrasound.

What?!

Is that a problem?

No.

I gotta pee.

Hey, it's Ruth.

desus.

Thought you fell in.

You've been gone 20 minutes.

You can lie down here.

Oh, wow really, dust like that.

Ok.

Wait, um...

are you sure this is safe?

Yes.

And this, um...

this procedure has been approved

by the Pediatric Medical Association?

Yes.

May I um...

see the literature on that?

[Phone vibrates]

Excuse me.

Hello?

I don't have a Mexican cousin.

Excuse me for a minute.

Hello, hello.

I am Dr. Pedro.

The other lady, she got the um...

woman's period.

So Dr. Pedro will be doing the ultrasound.

I didn't know that ultrasound technicians were doctors.

Uh, yeah.

Ok, turn the back, turn the back, you can't see this.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Because in my culture,

the uterus is the most sacred part of a woman,

only to be seen by her husband

and a medical professional like Dr. Pedro.

Wow, that's true, huh?

I've been to Cancun.

It doesn't seem like much of anything is sacred.

Ok, now turn, turn around, and no peeking

or the ultrasound is over and there will be no refund.

Ok.

Have you started yet?

Yes.

Ooooh ...

two cute girls.

Girls?

As cute as the Olsen twins.

Ah, fuck me.

Sorry.

Oh, no, wait.

I see a little twig and two small berries.

They're so cute.

They're playing patty-cake together.

I gotta see this.

Wait, wait, wait!

I am getting the manager.

Oh, ok.

Would you like to see these ultrasound photos I printed out?

I think I might, yeah.

Thank you.

Wow.

To your masterful pull-off.

Where did you get ultrasound photos?

From the internet.

Those were Brad and Angelina's twins.

Amazing.

Andrea,

you keep your brothers quiet.

These Swedish meatballs are aces, Maria.

I totally thought we'd be eating tacos or something.

Maria loves to cook things.

Everything-

You ought to try her borscht.

How far along it's supposed to be?

Oh, uh...

I don't know, six months-ish?

Your belly looks small and lumpy.

I used to sew fake Louis Vuitton bags in Mexico.

Take your belly off.

I will fit it for you.

Really?

You help my husband keep his dob.

I will help you.

The fake Louis Vuitton bags were beautiful.

I'll get you one.

Sweet.

The flags look good.

Yeah, they do.

What's going on with these?

They expire next month.

Either we mark them down or toss them.

Oh.

Shit, you know what we should do?

We could have, like, ethnic food theme weeks.

Put recipes around on those placards.

Yeah, with the ingredients that we sell in the store.

Yeah, this could be Mexican week,

we could move these beans before they expire.

The fresh salsa that's in the deli that's on it's way out.

Staff could even wear sombreros.

Except maybe not the last thing.

There's someone from head office coming in

to tour the store tomorrow,

I think you should be there.

Seriously?

Ok.

He wants me to be there with the big wigs.

He said he thinks I've got a head for business.

Nice.

You sure he wasn't mistaking you for someone else?

Miss Sensitive, it's humour.

You still vegetarian?

What?

Like uh... kids.

They need meat.

They need meat to build muscles, have an attitude of aggression,

you know.

Right.

Anyway, um, it's kind of a big deal.

Yeah, I mean that really sounds good.

So what do you say you eat upstairs tonight

and I fry you up a nice big steak.

Sounds good, dad.

Great.

So there's this.

Wow.

Sorry, there's a rule that says

when you're pregnant you have to dress like a clown.

No, it's great.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Maybe if these clothes are out of my closet

I'll stop wearing them.

[Phone vibrates]

Hello?

Hey, it's Danny.

Is there a trick to the fuse box?

Oh yeah, you need to diggle it.

I'm diggling it and it's not opening.

Ok, it's kind of between a diggle and a shake and a...

I'll come in.

I gotta go, work emergency.

But finish your snacks.

Ruth, wait.

I got us tickets to CeCe.

Awesome!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm so excited!

Me too.

[knocking]

Oh, are you kidding me?

How'd you blow a fuse?

I had the lights on and music...

What?

It needs... nothing.

[Laughs]

Thank you for doing this.

Yeah, no problem.

Oh, no, no, no!

The freezers!

Fuck, I'm an idiot.

Head office gets here at 7 am.

Chill. We'll clean it up.

You can't. You're pregnant.

Yeah, but not disabled.

Let's get the mops.

Yeah?

Yeah. Let's do this thing.

Ugh.

[Country music] NI

Ok, can we please listen to anything else?

Knock yourself out.

You have CeCe Peniston in your iPod?

What?

It's not mine.

[CeCe Peniston's "Finally"] NI

[CeCe Peniston's "Finally"] NI

I Finally, it's happened to me, d

I right in front of my face... I

Oh shit, he knows all the words!

Love it!

I Meeting Mr. Right, I

I the man oi my dreams, I

I the one who shows me true love, d�

I at least it seems. I

I With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair, I

I it's dust the way he looks at me, I

I that loving stare. I

[Together] d" Finally, you've come along, d

I the way you feel about me... d

You love it! Love it!!!!

Liar!

[CeCe Peniston's "Finally" NI

[CeCe Peniston's "Finally" NI

Shit, they are gonna be here any second.

Don't worry, it's insanely fluffy.

You know, you should probably call your man now,

get him to pick you up after the tour.

Oh, he can't,

he's got a lung operation this morning.

Oh, that must be a tricky surgery.

Especially considering he's a heart surgeon.

I'm a loser.

Danny-o.

Uh, you know what, I'm sorry.

It's none of my business.

Linda, hi.

Hey. Ok.

I didn't know it was you who was coming.

Uh, this is Ruth Huxley.

She's a real valuable member to the new store.

Hi. This is your first?

Uh, yes.

You and your husband must be so excited.

Oh, I'm not married.

Oh, well, I guess we need some work on the values

at this Value King, don't we?

Uh, what Ruth meant to say is that she's not married yet.

Our wedding is set for next month.

Oh, I had no idea that-

Yes, we are both very excited.

Thank you for asking.

Shall we start in deli?

Why didn't the painters catch this?

I thought it was charming.

I'd like to keep the fruit selections to the domestics.

If the store is going to go generic ghetto style,

people are dust gonna go to the superstore.

I'm sorry, what's that?

Uh, I'm dust saying people are going to need a reason

to come here, right?

They came to Mario's because it was different.

Yeah, It was also a money drain, which is why it was sold.

[Screams]

Ok, fine!

Then we'll get absolutely nothing!

You suck!

I want ice cream.

Why do people do that?

It's the child-meltdown-abort- -mission move.

Happens all the time.

Actually, you know,

if there was some sort of kid's play area here,

like if parents got a little break from snotty noses

and Elmo impressions while they shopped,

that might give people a reason to come here.

Ok, my friends would totally come here

for something like that.

You know, the way that people go furniture shopping at IKEA

not because you need a crappy bookshelf

that you have to assemble yourself

with Swedish instructions,

but because there's a ballroom and one dollar hot dogs.

Sell the experience.

Not the products.

It's not bad.

Ok, bye.

Come on.

I'm giving you a ride home.

I never would have guessed you were such a rebel

when I first met you.

I'm not, normally.

I never would have guessed you're such a smarty pants.

I guess that stoner plush you taped to your check out counter

threw me off the scent.

Shut up.

I'm sorry I underestimated you.

Underachieving is sort of my speciality.

I'm here.

Thank you.

Oh, wait.

It's a big step.

Wow, this is some serious service.

You can give me a ride home every day if you want to.

I'd be honoured to.

I was kidding.

Yeah.

I had fun today.

Me too.

Remember how pissed that lady was that I'm single?

That woman is an idiot.

Well, this is me.

Thank you.

Yeah.

See you tomorrow?

Yeah.

Are you dust getting home?

Why are you here?

I took dad to his appointment.

Hey Ruth, no.

No coffee.

[Phone vibrates]

Seven pounds, four ounces?

Oh shit, Shannon had her baby!

Oh, the skinny one?

That's good for her.

I'm out.

dust finish the game.

Hey Ruthie, don't worry about taking out your garbage,

I'll do it ok?

Dad!

You're supposed to be taking it easy.

I'm not running a marathon, I'm taking out garbage.

Where did that come from?

See? You should pay more attention.

[Baby crying]

[Baby crying]

So, everything go according to your birth plan?

Mmmhmm.

40 hours of labour and no drugs?

You must be super human.

Are you sure you didn't take drugs, Shan?

'Cause your eyes look a little droopy.

Yeah, maybe that's because of your shirt.

Why are you wearing that in here?

It's making me dizzy.

Move!

Sorry.

desus.

Oh my god, Ruth, is that your boyfriend?

Oh my god.

Oh no.

What a bastard!

Giant soccer ball head.

You have to confront him!

You have to!

You caught him cheating red-handed!

He's an asshole!

We'll go with you.

We'll be your back up.

No.

This is really something I have to do for myself.

Goddammit, how many times do I have to visit

this freaking hospital?

[Quietly] If you try and get away again...

I like the way you think.

[Clears throat]

You.

Again.

Can we help you with something?

Give him hell, Ruth!

Yeah!

Can... you...

tell...

me...

I can't hear what she's saying.

Yeah, but it looks like she's really giving it to him.

Where...

the...

bathroom... is?

Sorry about this in advance.

It's over!

Oh my god.

You're cheating on me with a pregnant woman?!

No!

Fuck!

desus!

Shit!

Shame!

Shaaaaame!

Hey, hold on!

Hold on!

desus Christ!

What're you doing down here?

Whatever I want.

It's dad's house.

Where's Ted's toothbrush?

Ted and I broke up.

Oh, you did, did you?

Where's your bassinet?

Change table?

Baby swing?

Don't have them yet.

Where's the nursery going to go?

I haven't gotten that far.

All you've got is that stroller?

This is complete bullshit!

For 30 years I have been the one making dad happy,

doing everything right.

Freaking filing his taxes!

Hill, calm down.

And suddenly you are touched by the hands of god?

It doesn't make any sense!

Take your purse.

Stop snooping in my stuff.

Maybe it's time to take the belly off.

And murder my father?

We're gonna have to steal some newborn twins.

HEY-

HEY-

So I have some good news.

Food sales are up eight percent.

We want to make you assistant manager of the store.

For real?

Ta-da-ta-da!!!!

I'll take that.

Congratulations.

Can I take you out to dinner tonight to celebrate?

Uh, my girlfriend and I

are actually going to a concert tonight.

Ah, it was a long shot.

Tomorrow.

Done.

No.

Ugh.

[Knocks on door]

Hey!

You look wicked, Deb!

dulie!

I didn't know you were coming!

Mama needs a drink.

And we thought you needed extra break-up back up.

Wow, it looks different in here.

[knocks]

Praise the lord, the band is back.

(Both): Hi, Officer Huxley.

Hi.

You guys been behaving yourselves?

No.

Not at all.

Ruth.

What's this?

Oh, they made me assistant manager.

Congratulations!

That's awesome!

Yeah.

I'll tell you what's really awesome.

The way you guys look.

I mean, you're pretty, you know... nice.

Ok. Get out.

What?

Out.

Thank you.

Get out.

Ok.

I used to have the dirtiest dreams about your dad.

Get out.

I'd have to change my padamas.

Stop!

What?

That's uncomfortable.

Why?

He's hot.

Oh, god.

Ugh.

Remember we used to get stoned and lay on this bed for hours

playing "do you think he's circumcised or not"?

Remember those stars you had?

Oh yeah, I do.

[Gasps]

No!

Yes, there is the penis constellation.

Please tell me you have weed.

No!

We've got tickets to CeCe Peniston, for Christ�s sake.

CeCe!

[chanting] CeCe, CeCe, CeCe...

We could get high first.

Alright, let's do it.

CeCe, CeCe...

[Slow tempo to CeCe Peniston's "Finally"]

I Finally, you've come along, I

I the way I feel about you I

I dust can't be wrong. I

I If you only knew I

I the way I feel about you, I

I I dust can't describe it. I

d No. d

I Finally it has happened to me d

I right in front of my face, d

I my feelings can't describe it. I

I Finally it has happened to me d

I right in front of my face I

I and I dust cannot hide it. d

I Finally, it has- I

[Vomiting]

I'm so sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Do you know how many times you've done this for me?

I feel really weird and I don't know why.

'Cause you're sober.

Oh my god, I think you might be right.

Ok, this is going to sounds nuts,

but I am hammered and I'm sweaty, so sweaty!

And I have to get up in four hours

to take my demon to school.

But somehow, I feel refreshed.

I know what you mean.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Pizza.

I love you guys.

I love pizza.

Hey guys, can you check the tp sitch in the ladies?

Oh, We're nic-ing out right now, so we're gonna go out.

Break's not for thirty, but in the meantime...

So uh, we still on for tonight?

Mmmhmm.

Good.

Yes.

[Doorbell]

Fuck.

[Knocks on door]

Hi.

Hi.

You're early.

Yeah, sorry.

I guess they've finished construction on the bridge.

May I come in?

I'm not ready yet.

[Whispers] Your father is watching me from the window.

Ok, come on in and wait.

Ok.

[Gasps]

Ruth?

I'm dust in the bathroom.

Uh, so I am taking you to La Terrazzo tonight.

I dust don't think that microwave garbage

you eat for lunch is actually pasta.

Uh huh.

Look, I know I probably don't have to say this,

but I didn't promote you to get in your pants.

Great.

You deserve it.

Mario was right, you're the heart of the store.

You looked sexy in your uniform today.

Is that bad to say?

Ok, sorry, that was inappropriate.

Everything ok in there?

[Knocks on door]

Ruth?

Uh, Danny, I can't go to dinner.

What's going on?

I'm dust...

I'm not feeling very good.

Oh.

Ok, yeah, of course.

We can stay in.

Do you have any ginger root?

I'll make a tea.

I don't want tea.

Can you dust go?

Please?

Yeah, of course.

Absolutely.

[knocking]

The belly needs to be bigger now.

This got all fluffy.

It's not good.

I need to build a base.

This will take maybe three days.

Three days?

What am I supposed to do without the belly for three days?

I've got birthing class tomorrow.

Wait a second.

I think I know where we can get a base.

There.

This is too crazy.

I know, alright?

But it's dust for a little while longer so shut your face.

Can we do this?

Ok.

Ok, let's go.

Aren't you going to come with me?

Absolutely not!

[Dogs barking]

Seriously'? dello?

It's firm, but not too hard.

Your dog won't like it.

You must make a fresh belly each night or it will get soggy.

What do I say to Danny?

Why don't you tell him the truth?

HEY-

Are you ok?

Me? What?

Yeah. I'm good.

Oh, ok.

Good.

Cravings.

Hmm.

Hey, um...

I'm sorry about last night.

Nah, it's...

so did you want to reschedule?

Even dust grab a quick bite after my shift?

Shit, I actually have a birthing class tonight.

Ah.

You know what?

Fuck it.

I'll play hooky this week.

No, no.

You have to go to your class.

Why?

Because it can really affect your birthing experience.

Right.

Tell you what.

I'll take you to your class, we'll eat after.

Honestly, the class is kind of lame.

Ruth, I want to.

Really.

It looks like we're a little early.

Let's wait in here.

I'm scared of the other women.

Ok.

Ah, dinner of champions.

Alright.

Finding your flower power.

My friends enrolled me.

That I met at the store?

Mmmhmm.

Where do you know them from?

High school.

That's great that you're all still tight.

Mmmhmm.

I'm not sure how much we have in common anymore.

They're all married with kids.

Yeah, mine too.

I kinda like it, though.

Being Uncle Danny.

The only thing is...

What?

Well, it's kinda tough to meet single people

at Chuck-e-Cheese.

It's not like we're gonna hit the club.

I might.

Alright.

You ever try online dating?

Oh yeah.

Apparently my soul match is unemployed perverts

from the next town over.

Fun.

Mine is "I'm ovulating, do you want to fertilize my eggs?

Also, I need your answer by the end of this date".

Run!

No, no.

I mean, yeah, I get it.

That �ck-Keck.

It's dust dating has kind of become this vetting process,

and I kinda feel like I'm dust testes with a face.

Not that I'm opposed, it's dust a guy needs to be romanced

a little once in a while, you know?

That's hilarious.

Anyway, it's hard to be single in your 30's.

It blows.

It totally blows.

[Knocks on window]

Wait 'till you meet the other ones.

Before we begin I'd like to welcome our new face

in the room.

Oh, everyone, this is Danny.

Hi.

Hi, Danny.

Is he the father?

Uh, no.

He's...

m)' boss?

Nice boss.

Now dust press the ice to your wrists

and breathe through the pain.

That's it, baby.

[deep breathing]

Are you kidding me?

[deep breathing]

Ruth, look at me.

You can do this.

You are a warrior.

You are a lioness.

You two are very synchronized.

Oh, this is good.

You are ready for the next step.

Now breathe together.

[breathing]

Very good.

[breathing]

You want to come to my place after?

Yeah.

[deep breathing]

Oh my god, I want you so bad.

Through here.

Wait.

Like this.

Ok.

Oh my god, this is so sexy.

No, no, no.

Wait, wait.

I can't do this.

What?

I can't.

Why?

I dust...

I don't want your penis to poke the babies.

It won't, I promise.

No, no, their heads could get bashed in.

It's not that big.

Trust me.

No, Danny, they could see it.

They could get nightmares.

I dust...

I can't.

Ok.

Is that ok?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I want what you want.

If you could dust...

Oh, no, no, that's...

thank you.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

So that was the bedroom, obviously.

Here We have kitchen, living room, dining room, etcetera.

What's this?

Oh.

Uh, this was supposed to be a nursery.

I bought this place with my wife... ex-wife,

with the intention of starting a family, but...

But what?

After three years of trying to conceive unsuccessfully,

I found birth control pills in her purse.

What did you do?

I divorced her.

Because she didn't want kids?

No.

Because she deceived me.

Ruth, I like you.

A lot.

I think we were meant to meet.

Look, I don't want to scare you,

but I really have this feeling

like we could have a life together.

I want out.

Pedro!

[Yelling in Spanish]

Uh, let me think of something.

You go now before she comes and cuts the balls off.

[Knocks on door]

Ruth?

Am I waking you?

No, I wish.

So what's going on?

Ruth, do you want to come to my concert?

For sure.

Back to bed.

I'm the tree.

That's wicked.

You ok?

Bed.

Deb, I can't do this anymore.

I can't be...

Pregnant.

Yeah you can.

The last month is hard.

Would you guys even like me if I wasn't going to be a mom?

Of course.

Deb...

Oh yeah, my cast disappeared.

Nothing else taken.

It must have been some stupid teenage prank.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

[Phone vibrates]

Thanks!

Will you please tell me what is going on?

Something, I've got something to show you, ok?

dust wait.

Here, here.

Are you Pedro or whatever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit, sit.

Look.

If you want my baby, it's going to be a thousand bucks.

Cash.

In tens and twenties.

Wow.

Is there a problem?

Uh...

where to begin?

Urn, for starters she's black!

Not even like chocolate milk, like the night!

Are you a racist or something?

No.

Because I don't smoke crack.

Never crossed my mind.

I don't Want my baby going to no racist.

I'm not a racist, I dust don't want a baby.

A black baby.

No, any baby.

And anyway, I'm having twins, remember?

Yeah, yeah.

One down, one to go.

Ok, seriously.

Pedro? You need to lay off the ganja.

Oh.

Oh, so 'cause he's Mexican, now he does illegal drugs?

He does do illegal drugs.

Typical white supremacist.

I am not a white supremacist.

Look.

Promise me you will not sell this baby.

Why?

Because it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Seriously. Give him or her up for adoption.

You will be someone's angel.

Promise.

Ok.

Ok.

And hey, no more drinking coffee.

No.

Where did you even find her?

I was only trying to help you.

Yeah, well it was really weird, Pedro.

Faking the pregnancy is really weird.

You know, I have a cousin in Mexico.

You could go down there and say you had the baby.

Go to Mexico?

Si.

What have I done?

I gotta tell them.

Danny.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Uh oh.

That's break-up face.

Listen, Ruth.

Don't do this, alright?

I understand why you think you can't see me right now.

You're about to be a mother of two, and that's big.

It's huge.

And now is not the time in your life

where you should be dating.

So why don't you dust marry me?

Listen.

I want to take care of you, ok?

All of you.

Danny, I haven't been honest with you.

I knew you were full of shit!

You are such a liar.

I figured out your little secret.

Danny, it was dust a mistake.

I knew the father could not be a doctor.

It's him!

The stock boy.

I am technically a doctor, too.

Oh my god.

Of course it is.

How could I be so blind?

That makes sense.

Everything makes sense.

That's why you're always defending him,

all the whispering in the staff room.

You're in love with him.

I am not in love with Pedro.

And you!

You're a married man.

How many kids do you have?

Four?

No, no, no. Five.

Do you have any idea how many guys would kill

to have what you have?

You've got a big, beautiful family,

and you still go looking for more?

You greedy piss ant.

I'm no piss ant, this is Ruth's deal.

Danny, dust stop.

At least have the balls to own up to your situation

you son of a bitch.

Ruth!

Don't touch me.

Alright, easy.

Alright.

I'm really sorry, we're going to get you taken care of.

Oh, desus.

Uh, doctor, she's pregnant and she fell.

Me?

No, no.

Stretcher please.

I'm fine, seriously.

It's dust my buddy Pedro that you need to see.

What?

What're you doing?

What're you doing?

Easy.

What the fuck?

Put me down!

Let's go.

Hey, can I get a tissue?

Seriously?

Honestly, I am completely

Yes, well we still need to check the baby's heart beat.

dust get an ultrasound-

No, you don't.

I barely even fell.

She fell, alright.

There were cans everywhere.

You can't do this, this is my body.

I'll need the room now, please.

Danny, dust go home.

Not until I know what the doctor-

dust go home.

I'll explain everything to you later.

I promise.

Ok.

Oh.

It's pseudocyesis.

Commonly known as the phantom preg-

Shh.

Out, ok? Please?

This is a very serious situation.

You get that?

Listen.

We have people here in the hospital that can help you.

I'm not crazy.

Move it along, dag-off.

[Phone vibrates]

Danny...

Ruth, listen.

The house is flooding.

I was running myself a bubble bath and I got locked out.

I need your key.

What about the spare?

I can't find the stupid thing.

Ruth, my insurance is not going to cover this,

so dammit, get over here!

Alright, I'm coming.

What the heck took you so long?

Open the door.

Come on.

Ok, alright, I don't-

(All)I Surprise!

Ruth, I've never seen you speechless before!

We didn't get you a pinata.

You're too dangerous.

Wow.

Urn, well, listen up.

I dust want to tell you all how great it's been watching

Ruthie grow during this pregnancy,

and I'm not dust talking around.

[Laughter]

You've changed, matured into this...

I don't know, beautiful Woman, and I love you and I dust,

I guess I couldn't be any more proud.

[Applause]

Oh god.

I uh...

I have uh...

something that I need to say.

Tell.

Everyone, and uh...

Um...

it's not good.

Ruth, are you ok?

She's bleeding.

It's not blood.

Oh my god, sit.

Sit down.

She almost miscarried once before.

And she slipped yesterday.

I'm fine.

What's happening?

Uh, her placenta dust fully fell out.

Ruth, let me see, ok?

I'm going to call an ambulance.

No, please, dust stop.

Everyone, dust let me speak.

What...

the...

hell...

[French music]] NI

[French music]] NI

Holy shit!

It's fucking dell-o!

Dad?!

Are you calling?

Yeah, yeah.

[sirens wailing in the distance]

Oh, you had your baby!

Congratulations!

Oh, where is the little bundle of doy?

There is no baby.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

There never was a baby.

I made the baby up.

[Sobbing]

Oh, you poor thing.

It's ok.

It's ok.

It's ok.

d

d

I know I told you to clean up the cigarettes, but...

what the hell is this?

It's time.

Time.

I'm sorry, dad.

I know how badly you wanted grandkids.

I dust want you to be happy.

You want some help with this or something?

Are you fucking serious?

Yes, I'm fucking serious.

Why'd you do it?

I guess I dust wanted to see what it was like to be you

for five minutes.

To be perfect.

Perfect?

I dust found out officially barren as a brick.

I can't wait to tell dad.

There's other ways.

Adoption lists are, like, years.

So unless you know somebody

that dust wants to give away their baby.

[Sobbing]

[sobbing]

You can finish it.

Oh, Ruth!

Oh my god, we are so pretending to be pregnant

to get out of gym.

Danny, he has to go back to the head office.

What day is it?

Today is Friday.

No, today is Thursday.

It's Friday.

Fuck!

[Child singing]

[Child singing]

[Applause]

See, morn?

I told you.

How dare you show up here?

After you lied, for months

about carrying another life inside of you?

You broke into Deb's like a gangster.

You made a mockery of the most sacred experience

a woman can have.

Am I a doke to you?

Are we all dokes to you?

And dust to be clear,

we didn't dump you because you weren't a mom.

We dumped you because you behaved

like an immature a-hole.

Ok Shannon, take it easy.

No, no. It's ok.

She's right.

I get it.

I totally get it.

Hey, if um...

if any of you ever need, like, a babysitter or anything,

I'm game.

Everything's so boring when Ruth's not around.

Ruth!

Thanks for coming.

Deb.

Effective immediately we are implementing

a store-wide policy prohibiting the use of personal items

and outside paraphernalia in individual work stations.

The uh... um...

give me five.

You know the timing of my transfer wasn't a coincidence?

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Still on for lunch today?

You bet.

You should go.

Danny, please.

Look, I know I deceived you dust like your lousy ex-wife did,

but I never meant to lie to you.

Ok, no. That's not true, that's not true.

But it's when I thought you were a douche.

Oh.

And then you surprised me when you turned out to be

this beautiful man.

dust go home.

Sort out your issues.

No. Dude!

What the-

I'm not the only one with issues, ok?

You used me!

You pretended to like me to fulfill some fantasy

of having a family.

That is-

You wouldn't have looked twice at me if I wasn't pregnant.

Alright, yeah. Maybe that's true.

But I liked What I saw.

I was falling in love with you.

You said that you thought we were meant to meet,

and even though that is super cheese ball, I believe that.

I miss you.

And your replacement manager at the store has wicked b.o.

Danny Dictator,

will you please go out on one date with me?

I don't know.

I'm not feeling that good, and I have birthing class-

[Toilet flushes]

[Water running]

Ok.

[Blow drys hands]

Well.

What do you think the chances are I get to second base?

On this date?

Very good.

I would say at least second base.

Well, in that case, ok.

Yeah. I'll give you one date.

Oh, you think so, do you?

You think so?

Ugh, you got me!

Ok, let me try.

Let me try.

Get in the corner.

You, come here. Come here.

Ok, who's next?

Hey Libby, knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupt-

Moo!

Moo!

Oh, I'm light headed, I need to sit down.

I'll be right back.

I'll change her.

You sure?

Yeah.

Hi! Oh, god, that is gross.

Nope, can't do it.

Here, I'll take her.

Come on, girl.

Thanks, dad.

That baby looked good on you.

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