Original subtitles

Oh! Eh, Eh, Eh, ah.

Gosh, Arbie, you're the best dry humper in school!

Ah, thanks Wendy, that's what the guys on the basketball team say.

Wait!

Who else have you been dry humping?

Ah-

Mmh. Mm. Ah!

( HOWL )

Are you sure it's safe to be out here, all alone in the middle of the night?

Absolutely! Heck, no one's been out here

since those horny teens were found decapitated back in '84.

Wendy relax! We're young, wer- wer-we're drunk,

wer-we're High school graduates!

This is the most romantic night of our lives!

Why can't I-can't Why-I?

( SOBBING )

Ooooh... Don't cry. You'll figure it out.

No, it's not the bra,

it's-it's you're ditching me for college.

...And the bra a little!

I'm not ditching you, Arbie.

And I think you should come with me,

there's still time to apply!

Wendy, my mom's a retard and my dad's blind.

I mean, how am I supposed to take care of 'em,

if I'm off somewhere getting smart?

Don't worry, Arbie.

Even though I'll be surrounded by spoiled trust fund kids

who have guaranteed 6 figure jobs

waiting for them at their daddy's companies

after they graduate,

It'll never change me! - Uh ha.

I'll stay true to you.

I promise!

( HEAVY BREATHING )

Uh, be gentle this is my first time.

Mmm!

( RASPY HEAVY BREATHING )

Aaa-Mmm.

( MOANS AND SOUNDS OF UNION )

Oh, Arbie! The earth is moving for me!

Oh!

Oh, Arbie! Your hands are all over me like an octopus!

Oh Wendy, It's as if you're

Arm-b-dexterous or something!

Arbie! Take me!

Ooo-Oh Wendy! Oh-I never knew love

could be so beautiful and pure!

( GROWL )

Aaah! Arbie!

He has something in his hand!

Holy shit an ax!

No-

the other hand.

Gross!

Wendy don't be such a prude, ya know, think of it as a compliment!

I'm going home.

No, Wendy wait, Wendy!

( POP )

Ah. Mmm.

What an incredible woman!

You know, thanks a lot dude!

( INHALES DEEPLY )

Augh!

Arbie.

Ooo! Ooo, Arbie!

I want to fuck your fanny! I want to fuck-

Mmm?

Ahh!

Help, help me!

Aaah!

( THUD ) ( SQUISH )

В¶ ( GHOSTLY AMERIND DANCE MUSIC )

( CLUCKING )

( CROWING )

( SCREAMING )

Huh? Huh?

You suck you corporate punk!

Fuck you all!

Hey! What happened to the ancient

Tromahawk tribe sacred Indian burial ground

that that used to be here?

They bulldozed it,

and replaced it with another one of those fast food restaurants.

What do we want?

For the evil devil-worshiping maggot conglomerates

to cease the destruction of our beloved country

and replacing our purple mountain majesties

with corporate cookie-cutter retail spots!

When do we want it?

Now!

Or at least within the next 3 years,

through ending the minority class action share-holder lawsuits

priority in Section 16b

of the Securities and Exchange Act of 1932;

so our contingency plaintiff lawyers

can get us multi-million dollar settlements!

Yeah!

Hey, Brendan!

Arbie, what's up?

Oh, thanks!

Ah dude, look at those girls making-out in protest over there!

Sweet! Where? - Dude, she's hot!

The blue one. - Oh, I like the blue one. - That's right.

Aaah! - What? - Wendy?

Arbie!

Wendy what are you doing here?

Protesting this disgusting abomination of chicken genocide

built on this ancient Tromaville

sacred native American Indian

burial ground.

What are you doing?

I'm a... I'm doing the same thing!

Ow!

Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you!

Oh Baby, I've missed you!

What do you say we pick-up right where we left off?

I know this old pervert-free graveyard in New England,

And look!

I brought our old butt plug!

Ech! Listen, Arbie-

This is the famous Arbie?

Smell familiar?

Um, yes, OK, I'm getting hints of patchouli oil.

She's my girl now!

Wendy you said college would never change you!

Arbie, College is all about

broadening your horizons and experimentation.

For instance:

Would Jacob Marinsky

have ever discovered promethium, element 61,

if it wasn't for experimentation?

Ah, Jacob Marinsky co-discovered promethium, element 61,

while doing defense-related activity

in Oakridge, Tennessee.

Not by becoming a lesbian in college!

You-you said you'd never change

but-but here you are, just bumpin' tacos!

Ow! Ooo!

That promise is broken,

like your nose!

And a lot more noses are going to get flattened around here

if this travesty isn't removed

from my people's land immediately!

Your people? I don't see any Native Americans around here!

All I see are a bunch of white people in Tevas!

Ooo?

In our flip-flops!

Well, we've got a Native American around here.

Somebody find Chief What's-his-face!

- The Chief! -Somebody find the Chief! - Get the Chief! -Find him!

Are you upset about the restaurant?

Wow, he's so noble!

See. Doesn't seem so upset to me, does he?

Ah!

Aaah!

See he is upset! - (ALL): Yeah!

Come on! I know your type!

You're a fraud!

You don't care about the Chief!

I'll show you...

and you.

And you!

What did I do?

I do not know, You just look like a dick.

Move it fatty! - Whoa!

В¶ When I rolled out of bed today,

В¶ Little did I know Wendy was gay,

В¶ She dumped me for some hippie HO-O-O-E.

В¶ With hairy pits and a studded nose,

В¶ She eats a snatch just like a pro,

В¶ In a Jenna Jameson-like dyke porno.

В¶ A Femi-Nazi with no bra,

В¶ She will forbid a mГ©nage Г troi,

В¶ With some 2 inch man-meat

В¶ Like moi.

В¶ That cunt-faced double dildo thief,

В¶ Don't know rubber cocks can't make true queef,

В¶ I will show them

В¶ where's the beef!

В¶ You elitist assholes

В¶ Full of shit,

В¶ I think I'll do the opposite.

В¶ If Wendy and her broad protest with this mob,

В¶ I think I'll go inside and get myself a job.

В¶ As Jesus said as he died,

В¶ Yo Bizatch! Revenge is a dish

В¶ best served fried!

В¶ She will see my cash increasing,

В¶ My pole she'll want to be greasing,

В¶ With these hairy balls I know that she will never play, - But I love you, Arbie.

В¶ 'But I love you Arbie' she will say. - But I love you Arbie!

В¶ Then I'll go: 'Well, sorry Hon, now, I'm gay. ' Ha Ha Hah!

В¶ As the prophet Mohamed said before he died,

В¶ Nigga, please, this is my shit!

В¶ Revenge

В¶ is a dish best served fried! Ha! Ha! Hah!

В¶ (AMERIND)

( THUNDER )

ВїQuГ© Г©stas pasando?

Eeew!

You the manager?

You know it!

Denny's the name

and fast food franchise is my game!

Well, that and Hungry Hungry Hippos. ( BOTH LAUGH )

Give me a job!

I am a high school graduate

Just-just tryin' to make his way

in this topsy-turvy world.

My life, it-it sucks!

My parents are retards,

and my one true love

is a left-wing lipstick lesbo liberal.

OK, you're hired!

Now, Arbie, this here is our new cook.

This here is Hamas.

Daagh!

It's not Hamas!

It's Humus.

like the dip, Humus!

I swear, sometimes I get so angry,

I just want to explode! ( ALL SHRIEK )

Heh!

Metaphorically speaking of course!

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Ha! See where affirmative action gets ya!

Now, I'll be watching you...

Al Jazeera.

Watching you like CNN!

Now Paco Bell, show Arbie here

how we make The General's Secret 2 Herb Chicken.

( SPUTTERING IN PAIN )

( CONTINUES SPUTTERING )

Hey Denny,

is it normal for chickens that have been

dead and frozen for weeks

to scream in excruciating pain like that?

Ah, hell, Arbie, that wasn't a scream,

that was just um-ah, an air pocket

burstin' and um...

beggin' for help. - Hm.

Anyway,

movin' on:

This low-life hillbilly piece of trailer trash shit here:

this is... Carl Junior!

Ha, Ha, I know Arbie.

We was on the debatin' team in high school together.

That's right!

You see, I was anti-bestiality and he was pro.

Eh heh hehh!

And look at you two now.

Yeah!

Mm, mm, mmmh!

Hey, what the hell happened to the

100% USDA-grade tolerable chicken

we thawed out for today?

And who put these mysterious,

vein covered, pulsating eggs in this box?

( BUZZING ) Mmuh mmuh!

Well don't just stand there Carl

get off your ass and go on and get some more chicken!

And Paco, would you take those mysterious, pulsating, vein-covered eggs

and go and put them with the breakfast foods.

Let's go people! This place has got to work.

This is my Grandmama's money we're talkin' about!

And if this place tanks, well then, I'll be workin fast food

like all of you jack-offs!

Well, what do I do?

You're the counter girl.

Counter girl?

Just a little nickname we have here at ACB.

Cool!

I'll go and get your skirt.

( SIGHS )

All right now,

heads up back there, everybody.

We'll be opening up in five,

4, 3, 2

and 1!

We are open for business!

( CRICKETS & WIND WHISTLING )

Don't you worry now!

This place will be flooded with people comin' by the car-load.

Any second now!

You fools! - Ow!

You fools! You fools! You fools!

This restaurant was built on

on ancient Tromahawk tribe

sacred Indian burial ground!

Get out while you still can! Get out!

Save yourselves! Save yourselves!

Um, I will have the Sloppy JosГ© Value meal.

And please substitute the cola with a Cluck-Work Orange.

Thank You.

( ELECTRONIC CLUCK AND BELL )

Hey!

Aren't you the guy that lost all that weight

eating those fast food hero sandwiches?

Jared, right?

Wow! You are such an inspiration!

And you kept the weight off!

How did you do it?

It's all about moderation my boy.

Now you get me that low-fat, sausage flavored, chicken meal

with The General's low-carb mashed potatoes!

And don't you even think of skimpin'

on The General's all soy gravy.

You got it Jared.

Guys, I need you to 'pork a chicken'

and don't hold back on the protein gravy.

ВЎEi! ВЎEi! ВЎCaliente!

Heads up, Humus!

Haah!

Gravy!

Potatoes and gravy!

Huh?

Hmm... hmm-

Wow, Jared!

( LOUDLY GULPING DOWN ) ( BELCHES )

( FARTS )

Augh! Augh! ( FARTS )

Bathroom? ( FARTS ) Where? ( FARTS )

NOW!

Way to go Jared!

Aaah!

Mmmh.

Hmm ah!

( DIARRHEA )

Good gravy!

( GAS / DIARRHEA SOUNDS FROM BATHROOM )

I'll have a-

Are you working here, just to upset me?

I mean, how could you leave me for Sappho B. Anthony out there?

Do you hear this?

(Jared in bathroom): Oh I can't stop shitting! ( SOUNDS FROM BATHROOM CONTINUE)

That's the sound of my aching heart.

Aaah! ( SPLASH )

Today is not about us.

Just look at the atrocities American Chicken Bunker

performs on the chickens that you serve

to the ignorant masses!

( BATHROOM SOUNDS ) It's like my ass is on fire! Aaah! ( BATHROOM SOUNDS )

( JARED ): Why can't I stop shitting? ( BATHROOM SOUNDS CONTINUE )

( JARED ): It's like I'm a geyser!

(JARED ): A shit geyser! Aaaah!

So I am sure,

that after hearing all this information,

everyone here will realize that it is wrong

to eat any type of meat.

( JARED FARTING ): Where the fuck is the toilet paper?

Wendy!

Be careful!

He's Dangerous!

He might try and serve you some

fried artery-clogging flesh!

At least I'm man enough to have a job

and support my family

at $ 3.50 an hour!

( EXHALES ) I mean, what are you doing besides trying

to bring down a successful business man like General Lee Roy?

By attacking the General,

you are attacking America!

Yes!

My people!

America!

The only other place in the world

besides France, Canada,

Czech Republic, and Outer Mongolia

where a rank and file member

of the Georgia Chapter, KKK

can rise above his humble up-bringing

and become President and CEO

of one of the world's most largest and powerful corporations.

So tell me, Micki

What are you doing besides trying to bring down America?

Yeah! ( CHEERING )

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Aaugh!

Baby Killer! - Uff!

No, wait, wait, wait. No, wait!

There is a lot of bad blood between us.

We should be making love,

not war.

( BOTH ): You're right

Oh, well, you know it baby!

Now eat my meat,

you vegan whores!

Aaa!

Hi, Arbie!

Augh!

Arbie!

Arbie!

Arbie!

Arbie!

Arbie!

Arbie!

Arbie!

Arbie!

Oh Wendy!

Oh Micki's on my radar!

here comes the heat-seeking moisture missile!

Arbie! Arbie!

Arbie!

Huh?

( CRICKETS )

Ah-

Ah-

I was, um-

I was just thinking about the poor

chickens, that's all.

I'm sorry, Arbie, but

how could I ever love someone

who wants me to eat cock?

( CRIES )

( DIARRHEA )

Oh my poor ass! Oh!

What the hell was that?

( GURGLING )

Oh, I have to shit

Oh my God! What hell was that?

( STEPS AND CROWING )

Aaah!

There's somebody in my stomach!

Get-get out of my belly!

Ah! Aaah! Aaaah!-

I got to get off this toilet! Aaaah!

( THUD ) ( DIARRHEA )

( SCREAMS )

Ugh!

Aaah!

В¶ ( ANGELIC CHOIR )

( KNOCKING )

Jared, are you all right?

Oh, oh, oh-

- Oh my God!

I'm skinny! I'm skinny!

Yip yip yahoo! - Hey, Jared?

Hey, Denny!

(SCREAMING): Hey Denny!

What is it now Arbie boy, is it-

Oh, shit!

The guy, the guy who did this, he's gone!

He just disappeared!

Well would you stick around to apologize

if you shit up a bathroom this bad, Arbie?

God Damned Honkies!

They're always waitin' for the Black Man to clean up their mess!

You see, Arbie, the same shit happened in Vietnam!

The White Man thought the Yellow Man was turnin' red,

and so he sent the Black Man in to clean up his mess, Arbie!

Oh!

Ooh!

Well God Dammit, Arbie,

I ain't doin' this shit this time!

Why not?

Because you're doin' it!

Now you take this mother fuckin' mop

and get to it!

В¶ All of these fried chicken wings that I'm serving,

В¶ They make me yearn for your breasts, legs and thighs.

В¶ My hunger for you is unswerving,

В¶ Without you, my heart starves and dies.

В¶ All these protests and speeches I'm making,

В¶ To end chicken suffering and slaughter.

В¶ His only response is that I'm faking,

В¶ That I'm gay,

В¶ Like Dick Cheney's daughter.

В¶ My meat in your buns makes such special sauce.

В¶ Gay seems my way to quote Robert Frost.

В¶ Could be nostalgia for all that is lost,

В¶ Could it be that our love is star crossed?

В¶ Woaaah,

В¶ I sure miss getting my salad tossed.

В¶ You are my fries and your shake makes me shiver,

В¶ You're a happy meal sent from above.

В¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,

В¶ a heavenly slow fast food love?

В¶ Since that night all I have is self-pleasure.

В¶ Bumping uglies real hard we did grind.

В¶ With tissue and hand cream I try to remember,

В¶ How you stuck this thing,

В¶ How you stuck this thing up my rear ender.

В¶ Whooh-oooh-oooh

В¶ With my partner in bed I am yearning,

В¶ To feel pleasure and passion that's true.

В¶ But only thoughts of you kept me burning,

В¶ Ah-

В¶ Memories of your beef make me stew.

В¶ If hearts were like chickens, yours I'd defrost,

В¶ To reclaim true love what is the cost?

В¶ Could be nostalgia for all that is lost.

В¶ Could it be that our love is star crossed?

В¶ Whoa, I sure miss getting my salad tossed.

В¶ You are my fries and your shake makes me shiver.

В¶ You're a happy meal sent from above.

В¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,

В¶ A heavenly slow fast food love?

В¶...

В¶ Could be nostalgia for all that is lost.

В¶ Could it be that our love is star crossed?

В¶ Woah!

В¶ I sure miss getting my salad tossed.

В¶ You are my fries and your shake makes me shiver,

В¶ You're a happy meal sent from above.

В¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver

В¶ A heavenly slow

В¶ Fast food love?

В¶ A heavenly slow

В¶ Fast food love.

( 'AUDIENCE' CHEERS & APPLAUSE HEARD )

( AUTO HORN )

( COCKS CROWING )

( RAPID HORN HONKING )

( LAUGHING )

General!

It's a-a pleasure to meet you sir.

I've been waitin' for this moment for a long time now. General, I'd like to say-

Well, thank you, thank you, Danny,

I appreciate that. Thank you.

That's ah... Denny.

That's... good for you!

Good Mornin' Tromaville!

Y'all look lovely!

Ha Ha Ha!

Hippies? Protest signs?

Open expression of political thoughts!

Wha-

We will never rest

while big business tramples over

the rich history and culture of the Native Americans.

While simultaneously slaughtering...

Countless...

Innocent...

Chickens!

( SLURPING )

Aaah!

Now, ho ho! Settle down there young man!

Settle down now!

The General has provided

ample accommodations

For your displaced,

dead, Red Men.

They have gone to a better place.

( FLIES BUZZING ) Ugh!

All I want to do is provide for these poor, hungry, souls.

Hit it!

Ah one, and ah two, and ah three!

В¶ Troubled angry faces,

В¶ Confusion all about,

В¶ Tell me all of your concerns

В¶ And I'll sort your problems out.

В¶ Well I use to be quite slim you see,

В¶ But thanks to the fast food industry,

В¶ I've gained some weight,

В¶ I'm big and fat,

В¶ What do you got to say about that?

В¶ What do you got to say about that?

В¶ It's not our fault, our food's nutritious,

В¶ Somewhat fresh and quite delicious,

В¶ Your big fat mouth tells big fat lies,

В¶ So plug it up with our large fried thigh!

В¶ Independent businesses are hard to find,

В¶ Corporate whores you and your kind,

В¶ Force them all close up shop,

В¶ What about all the Moms and the Pops?

В¶ What about all the Moms and the Pops?

В¶ Screw those two-bit corner stores,

В¶ We can offer so much more,

В¶ Leave those relics in the past,

В¶ Do you want quality,

В¶ Or do you want it fast?

В¶...

В¶ Mexicans with no green cards,

В¶ Zit faced teens and poor retards,

В¶ On unskilled labor your business thrives.

В¶ While these poor folks

В¶ Barely survive.

В¶ We pay them fair for what they do,

В¶ Who wants to hire them, surely not you.

В¶ I'm a saint and I-I really care,

В¶ I keep those schmucks off welfare.

В¶ Fast food is being advertised,

В¶ On children's T.V. stations

В¶ And being sold in elementary schools

В¶ To kids across the nation.

В¶ Toddlers eat fatty foods

В¶ And keep shitty toys hocked by the star.

В¶ Mind control the population,

В¶ Corporate fiends you've gone too far,

В¶ Degenerate fucks, you've gone too far!

В¶ The kids learn arithmetic,

В¶ By counting calories.

В¶ And looking at our menus,

В¶ Helps them learn to read.

В¶ Little scientists can analyze

В¶ The ingredients in our food.

В¶ As long as they don't tell Mom and Dad

В¶ And get our asses sued!

Aaah!

В¶ So my friends don't fight temptation,

В¶ Give yourselves some taste sensation.

В¶Our Extreme Chicken Supreme is made

В¶ With three different kinds of cheeses!

В¶ American Chicken Bunker!

В¶ We are more popular than Jesus!

(CROWD) Our Father, who art in heaven...

Hallowed be thy name...

(Announcer): Well, Colonel Cluck has a better ad campaign than Jesus.

Augh!

This sucks!

And now the most important part...

The 'Secret Zest Sauce!'

Bhuh? Huh?

Ach! God! Gross! I need a napkin.

Is this what you're looking for?

( SCREAMS )

Oh my God! A giant old chicken! Please don't eat me! Oh, my God!

No, no, no. Take it easy!

Relax son. Relax.

Yeah, I guess a giant evil chicken is a bit far-fetched.

I- I'm Arbie.

I haven't met you yet, this is my first day here.

When did you start?

I've always been here.

They said you can take smoke breaks every 2 hours.

You look young.

I was young once.

Full of hopes and dreams, until...

until...

HEY! Who's tellin' this story schmuck?

I was going to go to college,

get a degree.

But Mom, Mom was a retard

and Dad got blind and

had to support 'em.

So I took this shitty job

at American Chicken Bunker and

been here ever since.

But I don't mind.

Another 13 years and I'll have enough money

to be reunited with my best girl at college.

Wendy.

I had a girlfriend named Wendy!

But... now she's a lesbian.

Aren't they all?

Oh man, this thong is chaffin' my balls.

God Damn my crank, I can't get it out of my-

( Thunder ) Oh shit, ah, ah!

That's strange!

The weather man didn't say anything about

thunderstorms in windowless basements.

( CRACK OF THUNDER )

You see Humus,

I am doing this because I am a freedom fighter. ( SHE GASPS )

I am Che Guevara, Martin Sheen, and Janeane Garofalo

rolled into one fabulous burrito

of political activism.

By masturbating in this food

I am waking up the world!

ВЎViva la revoluciГіn!

Oh Yeah!

La revoluciГіn is cuming!

Oooh!

Ricky Martin, let me cum in your eye!

Ah! Ah! ( SQUIRT )

( CLUCKING ) Humus, I respect your rights

to pray and practice

of a legend different from my own,

but that strange clucking sound is very distracting!

Can you at least pray facing that way.

After all, isn't Mecca over there?

'Ghumm?'

( HUMUS GASPS )

Aaah!

( PACO SCREAMS )

( SCREAMING CONTINUES )

( SCREAMING ENDS ) ( MACHINE CONTINUES )

( SCREAMING BEGINS AGAIN )

Motha' Fucker!

Oh, Shiite!

Well Allah be a monk's uncle!

The burka bimbo's a murderer!

It wasn't me!

It was the chicken!

Just like you people.

If it's not the Jews or-or the Americans,

Well then, it must be the chickens, huh?

HUH!

Hey man, Did you hear that

screaming and grinding homosexual Mexican

dying a terrible death sound?

Look kid, don't waste your whole life here like I did!

You've gotta get out! Do something! Do something!

All right... OK... Relax!

Now this is just a temporary situation,

I got it all mapped out!

Sure you do.

Nigger, please.

В¶ Come gather round Arbie,

В¶ Now haven't you heard,

В¶ A career in fast food

В¶ Is like polishing turds.

В¶ It may shine like a diamond,

В¶ or sparkle a bit.

В¶ But a turd is a turd,

В¶ It's still just a shit!

В¶ I hear what you're saying, You crazy old man,

В¶ But riches and bitches are part of my plan.

В¶ A career in fast food, although at first seems untrendy,

В¶ Might win me the heart of my dear Wendy.

В¶ Just look at me how pathetic I stand,

В¶ Alone in this land.

В¶ No chance for romance, just my dick in my hand.

В¶ No chance for romancement, boy why can't you see?

В¶ Just minimum wage through rotisserie,

В¶ So smarten up dumbass before it's too late,

В¶ Earn your B.F.A. or you're

F

U

C

K- ed

В¶ A Bachelors of Fine Arts is for rich snobby queers,

В¶ For me it's just debt for another 4 years,

В¶ Nope, I'm soaring on wings fried golden brown,

В¶ On these flightless birds right out of this town.

В¶ So listen old man, why can't you see

В¶ Hydrogenated trans fat, MSG,

В¶ Plus phosphoric acid means gravy for me.

В¶ Once I was young my strings were all strung,

В¶ but dreams and ambitions have all turned to dung,

В¶ I chose to fry now how dumb was I,

В¶ All that's left for me

В¶ Now is to die!

В¶ Yeah well, that's not for me, I got a 'Plan B!'

В¶ I know it's legit, it's get on TV,

В¶ I'll be all that I can be,

В¶ In the army!

В¶ In the army!

В¶ Ah, ah, oh!

В¶ Eh, you young punks, you got brains of bricks

В¶ You only think with your dicks.

В¶ Yeah, well you old farts are depressing.

В¶ Now where's that ranch dressing?

Well, see ya around old guy,

who seems to know a lot about me for no apparent reason.

Oh, and by the way,

you got served!

Now Dopey!

Denny!

I believe the ninja.

Paco probably slipped on that unassuming chicken carcass

that is inexplicably attached to the grinder's on/off switch.

So get back to work everybody,

we got a franchise to run!

Look, sir, you can't be serious.

A man just died in there!

Shut your pie-hole, Dinky!

Take this camel jockey out back and hose her down!

When you're clean, come back in here

gather up all this meat

and let's slap together three racks of Sloppy Pacos!

Oh, Uh, I mean Sloppy JosГ©s. ( LAUGHS )

Hey, hey! Where's Paco?

Uh-

Well I, ah-

Well, I gave him the afternoon off. -Yeah. - ( LAUGHS ) That's what I did.

Huh.

Bbbh!

( LAUGHS )

Huh. Ah.

Auu!

Okay!

And counter girl!

Never, ever, leave your register!

Who knows what that mob of customers could be doing right now!

В¶ (UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC )

Now, Dewey- - That's Denny!

Like the country!

Ah-ew!

Whatever! We're stayin' open!

Well, listen sir, I don't- - Now, now, now!

Yeah I know, I know, I know

Sure, sure, Paco had a horrible accident and died.

But don't you worry,

American Chicken Bunker will pay him for the full day. ( LAUGHS)

And for God's sakes, keep your yap shut!

All I need is for those Hippies out there to find out

somebody died here on opening day.

Even if it was just a

filthy,

illiterate,

Homo-Mexican.

В¶ ( DRAMATIC

My grandmamma is goin' to be so mad!

Shit!

I'm leavin'. Shit!

That chicken!

The chicken has declared jihad on us all!

Hm! That reminds me,

I need to get a tampon.

В¶ ( BANJO )

Yeah!

That's one 'baaad' chicken!

Heh, heh, heh, heh-

Hey Father O'Houlihan, back for seconds?

Arbie, I don't mean to complain,

but there's a severed penis in me Sloppy JosГ©.

- Oh. -Oh. -Come on! - You don't see that every day.

That's weird.

Well, I'll tell you what:

You sir, are entitled to one free Sloppy JosГ© on the house.

I'll go get it for you.

В¶ You're a happy meal sent from above,

В¶ In this drive-thru called life deliver

В¶ A heavenly slow fast food love.

Arbie! How dare you let that priest nibble on my cock!

What are you the Catholic Church?

Holy Shit! Is that you, Paco?

Well I ain't chopped liver!

Now scoop me off of this bun and give me a proper burial.

Trust me Homes,

you got enough pissed off spirits

lookin' to take a bite out of your tight, tasty ass.

What are you talking about? - Look, Now that I'm dead,

I've decided to stop living a lie.

I'm gay, Arbie.

Queer as a well-known Scientologist Hollywood actor.

Now there is some bad shit heading your way, Honey.

Oh my God, what?

By building a ACB on sacred ground,

The General united two of the most disenfranchised races on the planet.

Displaced Native Americans

and the billions of chickens sent to the concentration coops.

There hasn't been such a lethal combination

of chicken and Indians,

since Tandoori was introduced to the American people.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Hold it! ( SQUISH )

Now, what Hollywood Scientologist actor is gay?

Pay attention stupid!

If you fail, the virus will spread.

And those of you who aren't infected,

will be relocated to

free range, white meat reservation coops.

( ARBIE LAUGHS )

Yeah right, that's good evil spirits!

I'll believe in the supernatural when I see it, Talking Sandwich!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to serve the priest a penis-free Sloppy JosГ©!

You really are stupid!

Just listen.

To stop them,

you must find their one true weakness.

Which we all know is- ( COMMOTION )

I'll tell you what those muckraking anti-fast food documentaries see:

Our food here at ACB

is healthy and served fresh daily! ( LAUGHS )

I, um, hope you enjoy our new, ah,

'My Lai Massacre' wallpaper.

I just had it installed today. ( LAUGHS )

Oh, oh look!

It's one of our beautiful 'counter girls'

preparing one our famous Sloppy JosГ©s.

Why don't you come on over here and have one, huh? Come on!

No. No. No! I don't think you want to serve that Sloppy JosГ©, General!

( LAUGHING ) Pay no mind to this 'Sassy Lassie. '

Our Sloppy JosГ©s are delicious.

I eat at least one every day.

Give me that!

Ah, mmm hmmm hmmm!

( THUNDER )

- and that's when I realized that droppin' out of Harvard Law School

to join the American Chicken Bunker team

was the right career decision for me.

To be with the ones I truly love:

dead, partially thawed, uncooked chicken carcasses.

Why are you so tense, Baby?

Why don't you have a little drink?

It'll loosen ya' up!

Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, Baby! I'm sorry.

Daddy didn't mean to hurt you.

What's that?

You want me to kiss you?

Well, all right!

Mmm! Ah!

Oh yeah! Yeah!

No, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait!

Are you sure you want to do this?

I mean, we're still going to have to work together afterwards and all and

I don't want things to be weird.

Well,

...all right. But I do insist on safety.

Ohhh!

Yeah!

That is some Grade 'A' white meat!

Whh!

Oh don't worry Carl Junior ain't adverse to

takin' the back door.

( SQUISH ) Oh!

( SQUISH ) Ooo!

( CLUCKING )

Oh you want to talk dirty!

Oh, I ain't adverse to hearing what's on your dirty,

filthy little slut chicken mind!

Yeah!

( CHOMP ) Ow! ( CLUCK ) Oh!

Easy, easy with the teeth!

Easy with the teeth!

I was goin' to pull out! ( CLUCKING )

It just felt so good!

Aaah!

( CLUCKING ) ( SCREAMING ) ( SQUIRTING )

Oooo!

( SCREAMS )

( SCREAMING ) ( PUNCHING )

I'm exhausted!

But the place sparkles again.

Aaaa! ( HUMUS GASPS )

( SCREAMING ) ( SPRAYING )

( SCREAMS CONTINUE )

Help Me! Oh God!

Get it off!

My dick!

Aaah!

My dick!

Aaah!

What do I do... what do I do?

( COW BELL )

Ah Uuu!

Ay-Yahh!

( HORSE NEIGHS )

( SREAMING CONTINUES )

( SCREAMING STOPS ) ( BOWELS RELEASE )

Fucker, faggot, you die! Eeeh!

The Shish Kebab Psycho's done it again!

My franchise! My Grandmamma Rose's savings.

I knew we should have invested in Google!

No, no, I was just trying to help him!

By fucking him to death with a mop? - Huuh?

Now if this was that faggot-ass Paco Bell,

then maybe I'll buy it, Hamas, maybe I would buy it!

B- B-B-BUT Carl Junior!

You know, you just made me blow my only chance

at earning enough money to one day own my own franchise.

Denny's.

Shit!

You know I ought to fire your ass!

You 9/11, World Trade Center crashin',

turban wearin', mother- - Guys!

Guys! Guys!

This is not a terrorist thing.

And this not a sodomy thing.

This is an angry chicken Indian spirit thing!

What? - And If we don't find out a way to stop them,

we're all going to have mops shoved up our butts!

We all take it in the dumper some time, boy.

But only the strong shall keep American Chicken Bunker runnin'

while the weak scurry away,

clenchin' their mud flaps closed.

( GURGLING ) Carl Junior?

Holy liability he's alive!

Eh-eh, get back to work everybody, he's fine!

Carl Junior, are you all right?

Would you look at the size of my 'Wood-Pecker!'

Heh, heh, heh!

Don't worry buddy, we're going to get you to a hospital and fix you up real good.

Humus, see if you can find his rectum. I think it's over by the grill somewhere.

It's over there.

You're not takin' him anywhere!

Humus! - Ehh!

Drop that rectum.

But Sir, he'll die!

Plus, if Wendy sees me carrying him out, she might think I'm nice.

You think I'm going let you take a man

with a mop shoved up his brown eye

out in front of those hippies and TV cameras out there?

Ha, I'd be ruined boy!

This-this is a man's life we're talkin' about!

A caring, loving member of this extended family

that we call humanity.

If you do take me to a doctor,

make sure he ain't no 'Jew Bastard. '

Well, maybe not so much with the caring and the loving.

Ah, Dicky! Humus!

Grab these chicken buckets and follow me!

Hardy! Red Lob! you heard what the man said, grab a bucket!

Here Carl Junior, have some of your whiskey.

( GLUB, GLUB, GLUB )

Achhh- Oh!-

That's odd!

( SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF )

Hmh!

General, I reckon I don't know what's goin' on round yonder, Sir.

( LAUGHS ) Well, just follow my lead son.

Like Harriet Tubman said, 'Let them eat fried chicken!' (LAUGHS )

Hold it down everybody, now, hold it down!

Now, y'all been out here for hours,

and I'd be angry too, if I hadn't eaten yet either.

That's why I want to make this here peace offerin'

with free pieces of chicken!

( CROWD JEERING )

If you think free chicken will win us over,

you are completely mad!

( ALL ): Huh?

- Huh? -Huh? - Huh?

You are mad!

Mad to give away chicken this good!

It's delicious!

( CHEERING )

What about the Indians? The chickens? The protesting?

Wendy, sweet Wendy, this... is bigger... than all of us!

This chicken is the American dream!

I can hear America singing!

( CHEERING )

What?

Oh, it's just like my ole' Grand pappy used to say:

Hey Junior!

Get over here with them matches!

"This cross ain't goin' to burn itself!"

( ALL ): Huh?

What?

Uh, I mean, ah, ah, "This chicken ain't goin' to eat itself!"

Eat up everybody!

( CHEERING )

( EATING / CRUNCHING )

( LAUGHING ) ( CHEERING CONTINUES )

Hey General, what are these tiny little bumps all over my chicken? ( SQUIRT / POP )

Um, those? Ah, um, those are ah...

...our new flavor pods!

( ALL ): Oooo! Flavor pods!

Eat up everybody!

If you love what you eatin' here, you ain't ate nothin' yet!

Come on in!

Yea! - Yea!

В¶ Hmm Hmm Hmm

( MAYHEM )

Wha' happen? - Ha uh-

( CRYING )

( LAUGHING )

Who-ho-ho-ho!

Well kid, we did it! ( LAUGHING )

Oh, it was near perfect! ( LAUGHS )

Now, with all those local nut jobs appeased

and all that free media coverage you got me,

American Chicken Bunker's Empire is sure to grow and grow!

Oh, my little baby likes it. Yes!

Oh, sweet little baby! Oh, yes! ( MICKI SQUEALING )

Micki? - Oh yes, baby likes it!

Baby like! Baby like!

Baby-Baby hungry! Baby hungry! Baby hungry! - Oh, Baby hungry?

What the Hell?

Honey! It's-it's not what it looks like!

Micki, how could you?

What? The fake protesting or the baby powder thing?

Both.

Ah, sweet little Wendy, you can be so naive!

I mean, the future of this country is branding and franchising and

there's no stopping it, so...

I decided to follow the money.

And ah, for the record:

Havin' a diaper fetish is a completely...

normal...

healthy...

and harmless bedroom activity.

Oh my God! I can't believe this!

Um, General, I think you need to come and take a look at what's goin' on out there!

Who'd that A-rab kill now,

the-the retarded counter girl?

Killed?

Arbie.

A- rab?

Retarded! Whaaa-

Wendy!

( EVERYONE RETCHING )

Aaah!

Huh?

Wha-oh!

Huh?

If your food is so delicious and nutritious, General,

how do you explain this? ( PROLONGED RETCHING )

Well, um, everybody knows that Tromaville is the bulimia capital of the world. Yeah-

Try again.

Well, whatever it is, it has nothing to do with American Chicken Bunker!

We produce only high quality,

chicken flavored food stuffs!

Oh Yeah?

Well, if it's such high quality, flavored 'food stuff,'

why don't you... eat it?

Fine.

You want to see the General eat the chicken? - Hmm Mhh.

Then the General... is gonna eat... the chicken!

( SIGHS )

( POPPING AND BUBBLING )

What's the matter, General?

You know something your loyal customers don't?

No, I-I just remembered I- I got my, ah,

my water aerobics class in about a half hour, heh!

I- I can't afford to get cramps. Heh, heh, heh-

Do it, General! ( ALL ): Huh?

( LOUDLY EXHALING )

Uhh-ohhh my Godddd- ( BUBBLE BURSTS )

( LAUGHS )

Hah!

Hm mm mmuh- Mmm-Mmm!

Well how is it? - It's fine.

It's better than fine!

It's delicious! ( LAUGHS )

I'm lovin' it!

See! I told you there was nothin' to worry about!

Our food here at ACB-

every leg, every thigh,

is fresh, tasty and- ( DIARRHEA )

Oh my God! My ass!

Get out of my way!

Get out!

Aaaah!

Rrrrr!

( POP / SPLASH )

What the hell did I just drop?

Uh huh.

В¶ ( E. Grieg: 'In the Hall of the Mountain King' from Peer Gynt [Op. 46] ) В¶...

Huh!

Well! Heh!

( LOUD EXHALATIONS ) Huu!

Heh. Hnh.

Wha!

( SHELL CRACKING ) ( INFANT COOING )

Hnh?

Wa!

( INFANT SOUNDS CONTINUE )

Huh?

Wha?

Aaah!

( GENERAL BEGINS SCREAMING )

Ra! Rrr! Rrr! Ra! Rrr!

Aaah! Ow!

Two can play at this game, Mister!

( CHICKEN SCREAMS ) ( THE GENERAL PANT/GROWLS )

Aaah!

Ho! Ho! Whoa!

( PANTING )

( BEGINS TO SCREAM )

В¶ ( 'Peer Gynt' ends )

Oh, I can't believe I left Arbie for someone as horrible as you!

Ah! Arbie, I was a fool ever to leave you!

A stupid, smelly, jerk-face who has no respect for other people's feelings

and dumps the best thing she ever had for some phony, butch, hose-bag lesbian fool!

What?

Ah, hush now, sweet Wendy. I forgive you!

( COOING THEN CLUCKING )

Do you hear something?

Say, did you guys notice anything going on weird today? Because I-

Aaa! - Wha!

What the fuck is that?

Mmm. Mmha! Mmha! Mmha!

It's the 'Angry Chicano' spirit!

This must be what Paco Bell was trying to warn us about!

Rrrah!

( CARL JR BEGINS TO CLUCK )

They've reanimated poor Carl Junior!

Mmmh! Mmmh!

( CLUCKING ) - Let's get out of here!

( SCREAMS )

General, who did this to you?

The Chicken!

The Chicken's come back from the dead!

We gotta get out of here!

Aaah!

I saw a bad chicken once.

Huh?

Huh? Huh? Huwweh-

When I was delivering chickens up in Indianapolis

You were on that delivery truck route in Indianapolis?

Oh my God!

Wha' happen?

( GARBLED SOUNDS )

A Japanese import slammed into us on I-90, Arbie.

We was coming back from delivering some prime chicken.

Grade 'A' bird.

Well, we boys was the bomb now!

Rrrh. Rrr, Rrr, Rrr.

Eleven hundred feathers went out onto the road.

Our tires went flat in twelve minutes.

Didn't see the first chicken for about, half-hour.

Rooster, one footer.

You know, they say you can tell the size of a cock

by staring it down from its beak,

all the way to its tail feathers.

Nobody knew we was out on I-90 that night,

no distress signal had been sent.

Didn't have cell phones back then, and well, ah,

couldn't afford a pager.

Huh? What the- Huh? Huum? Huh?

Ow! Heh he, ow! Ow!

Aaah! Ah, ah, Aaah! Aaah!

Aaaaah!

When they got the signal, the chickens went cruisin'!

and so that's when me and Larry, that was the guy who was ridin' with me,

we formed ourselves in a tight circle

and prayed that the chickens didn't see us.

Yehhh... hhe hhe hhe!

Sometime a chicken would go away,

sometime it doesn't.

Hhheeh-

That's the thing about a chicken, Arbie.

It's got 'Dead' eyes.

Black, like a-a sex doll!

( GURGLING )

Heah!

Ha, Haa. Aaaahhhh! ( SPLAT )

( ROAR )

Then there comes that...

terrible...

high-pitched...

cluck. ( SCREECHING )

Yeah, yeah just like that, Arbie! Whaaah!

( SCREAMING )

Run!

( SCREAMING AND SQUIRTING )

( SCREAMING AND SQUIRTING CONTINUE )

My soccer leg!

Whooooo!

( MONKEY-LIKE CHUTTERS )

( SCREAMING )

This restaurant is terrible! Aaawwgh!

( MAYHEM )

Whoa!

I know it's fattening... but I love the skin! (CHUCKLING )

I hate the skin!

( SCREAMS )

Aaaah!

Aaah! Oh my balls!

My balls!

В¶ ( COOING MELODY )

Aaahh!

( SCREAMING )

( MAYHEM )

Help! Help!

Make a wish.

I wish I was a princess.

Oh, not on my face!

Not on my fuckin' face!

( SCREAMS )

God save us! God save us all!

I gotta shit-I-

You fucking feather-face can't fuck with me!

Because, Big Mitch has got a big tool!

Aaah!

I've got bitch titties!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

( SCREAMS )

Aaah! No!

No! Get off of me!

Aaaah!

( CROWS )

( GUNSHOTS )

( MACHINE GUN )

Die, You Zombie Bastard!

Oops, ah, sorry!

Heh, heh, heh, heh!

Heh, heh! Heh. Heh. Heh.

Booya Bia-tch! Ha, Ha, Ha, Hah!

You saved us, you're our hero! - Eh, t'wern't nothin'!

Say, where did you get this gun?

I have a whole stash of them here.

I keep them hidden here with the children's promotional items.

I was gonna be an alienated employee

who kept to himself and then went on a murderous rampage this afternoon.

After all, how else could I get a name for myself?

Aw, that's excellent dude! You're a total life saver!

Look out! - Whoah! Whoa! - Stand back! Stand back!

Wahh! ( MACHINE GUN FIRE )

( SQWAKING ) - Ha! Haah!

Okay, you fat elitist demon fuck!

Now we finish it!

With this bullet,

I put an end to the tyranny of American Chicken Bunker

and a symbolic end to corporate greed!

Oh, excuse me a minute. Yes?

( SCREAMS )

( CONTINUES SCREAMING )

Oh! ( SCREAMING STOPS )

Ach! Phwee!

Jambalaya! Crawdaddy! Po' boy! Gumbo God dammit!

He's turned into a 'Blackened Cajun' chicken!

Hey, Denny! - What?

You just won the contest - What contest?

The wet t-shirt contest, mother fucker!

( SCREAMING WHILE MULTIPLY FIRING )

Eh!

( CROWD IN DISTANCE )

They are very slowly approaching the entrance.

We need to figure out a way to keep them out!

But how? This place is 50% glass!

They'll break through faster than the 5 minutes

it took me to turn Wendy into a full-blown lesbian!

Damn it! We need action before they turn the glass into lesbians!

I've got it!

( ALL ): Aw!

Great thinking, Wendy!

My nose! - He's still alive!

Can you hear me? ( YELLING ): Can you hear me?

Of course, I can hear you, you dumb schmuck!

He bit off my nose, not my ears!

But-but, I am gonna die! Ah, ah, aaah!

Well, you've lived a pretty great life.

Just lay back and let death

wash over the noblest and mightiest of warriors.

What the fuck are you talking about you idiot?

I lead a shitty life!

I was an A.C.B. counter girl for 25 years,

just like you'll be!

Aaah!

I'm you! You dumb prick! Don't you get it?

You gotta change your life! You gotta get out of here or you'll end-up like me!

Eeeh! Aahhh! Oh! ( THUD ) Ah! Aaah!

Oh God! What do we do?

We should sneak out and run for our lives!

Wait, wait, we can't leave.

My daughter is missing; my Katy, my little one, she's only five.

Please, you have to help, Mister!

I am a-a girl, for Christ's sake!

Arbie, We can't leave the little crippled girl here to die.

She's crippled too?

If it helps.

We have to find the girl! It ends now!

Or, in about 15 minutes.

Suit yourselves, because I'm gettin' the hell out of here!

Micki, are you crazy?

One step outside and you are a hen-pecked human.

Human? Yes.

But, they wouldn't attack a fellow bird.

( MULTIPLE CLUCKING )

В¶ ( PIZZICATO )

( SHRIEKS )

( SHRIEKS )

You know what? We'll make better time if we split up.

We'll stay put here and you go look in

that spooky and possibly chicken monster infested kitchen.

Sounds good.

( GROWL, COMMOTION, SCREAM )

What did you see?

I'm going to kill you all!

Katie?

Cock-a-doodle doo! Aahh...

Aaah! Waah! Aaah!...

Wa! Wa! Wa! Waaah!

Weeyaaah!

Yah! Yah!

Bucaw!

( WOOD CRACKING )

Uwooo!

Aaaw-wo-wo-aah!

Ha ha!

What are you waiting for? Kill it, beat it to death!

Wait, wait a second!

( INCOHERENT ATTEMPT TO TALK )

Carl Junior, it's me, Arbie.

I know somewhere deep within the bowels of this creature you've become,

lives the soul of the beautiful

racist, animal fucking,

inbred trailer trash

I know and loved!

So please tell us! How do we stop them?

Whiskey!

( EXHALES ) Carl, I need you to focus!

First, tell me how to kill them and then I'll give you a drink.

( SIGHS )

Alcohol, Arbie, alcohol!

Fine, be an asshole!

( GAGGING )

( SIZZLING / POPPING )

Okay, you got your booze now, rummy, tell us, how do we kill them?

I will not be ignored!

Come on, you bastard! - Arbie!

Arbie... it's dead.

FUCK!

Well now we may never know!

( CRASH ) - That sounded like a feathered,

market tested corporate mascot

crashing through the back door!

To the kitchen!

Waah!

Oy vey!

Micki!

What happened? We thought you escaped.

I tried, almost made it.

I- I got to my car, and then-then-

( WENDY CRIES )

Oh God!

As soon as someone dies, you forget about Old Arbie

and go back to your lesbionic ways!

I can't stand to watch this.

I'm going back to talk with the Demon Chicken.

I mean,

at least with the Demon Chicken,

you know where you stand!

Oh God! ( WAILING )

( CRYING ): No! No! Micki!

What did those monsters do to you?

Let's get you out of this ridiculous, Colonel Cluck getup!

( SCREECHES )

( SCREECHES ) - Oh, no!

No, please no! - ( SQUAWKINGLY): Kiss me!

God, do you hear this? "No, no dear God, please No!"

I'm mean give it up Wendy. Micki is dead!

Ah, ha, haah!

( ZIPPER )

( GROWLING )

( WENDY SCREAMS )

No!

One minute she's with me,

then next minute she's all melodramatic about her dead girlfriend!

Girls, they are so fucking fickle!

It-it drives me nuts!

I hear ya' dog! But there is the off-chance that Micki has turned into a demon

and is trying to kill Wendy right now! ( WENDY SCREAMING IN BACKGROUND )

I doubt that!

Rrrr rrrr rrrrh!

( WENDY SCREAMS )

You know what?

I'm going to suck it up, and I'm going to be there for her.

You go, boyfriend!

Aaaah! Aaah!

Oh God Wendy!

That is just sick, having sex with a corpse!

No you moron,

she's turned into one of the demons!

Duh!

Oh? Oh!

Get off my girlfriend,

you casino owner...

carpet munching...

demon!

Aaaah!

How do I get you off?

I will get you off!

I'll beat you off!

Yeah! I'll beat it!

I will choke the chicken! I'm gonna choke the chicken!

Come-off,

Please God come-

Aaahh!

Well, looks like my job here is done.

Aah! - Aaah!

Yah! yah ha!

Thirsty? Well, how about some punch? Eyah!

( CHOKING )

( STILL CHOKING): Humus, help us!

Aha!

Ah! В¶ ( ARABIC CHANT BEGINS )

Ah?

Egh?

Bwa? Augh?

( SQUAWK)

Hyuh! - Watch, everyone, look at her!

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Aaah!

By the power of Allah:

I have the power! ( ECHOING )

( SQUAWK ) Please don't hurt us!

Bwaah!

Ha ha ha ha! Look at Barry Bonds now!

Ah, stand behind me, children,

and marvel at the power of the Christ!

The power of the Christ compels ya! The power of the Christ compels ya!

The box office power of Mel Gibson, compels ya!

Uh-uh.

Hail Satan? - No! God damn it, you need some soul!

( BOWELS RELEASE )

Mazel Tov! Ha Ha Ha Haah!

Silly Priest!

Everyone knows there's no such thing as Jesus.

( HECKLES )

Okay, let's approach them in a slow and menacing way.

Arbie, look!

Beer!

Wendy you fucking drunk!

Now is not the time!

Huh!

Wendy?

Do you remember when I asked the Carl Junior zombie

how to kill the monsters,

and he was like: "Alcohol,"

then he died?

Well, I was thinking,

what if he wasn't really being a dick

and he was trying to tell me

that alcohol kills the them?

Now, The reason I think this is

when we first met the Chief

he was drunk and couldn't form a coherent sentence.

Then,

when the Paco Bell sandwich

told me that Indians had possessed the chickens

and the only way to stop them

was to use their one true weakness,

well, that got me thinking.

Well, not really, I was still picturing you going down on Micki-

But!

then when you said: "Arbie look, beer!"

and I accuse you of being a fucking drunk,

that got me thinking,

that Native Americans have an intolerance for-

I did it! I killed them!

We're alive!

I knew it!

Alcohol!

Everyone knows Native Americans are fucking drunks.

I mean,

as soon as the Indians were tricked

into becoming addicted to the white man's fermented beverages,

it spelled disaster for these proud, proud people.

I mean, that's their one true weakness.

Oh, next to small pox, of course!

( CLUCK CHEERING )

Huh?

Aaah!

This Buds for you!

Tastes great less filling!

Tap into the Rockies, bitch! Yeah!

Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker!

Ch, ch, ch, Chia, motherfuckers!

Ch, ch, ch, Chiaaa!

Yeah! - Yeah!

( TOGETHER ): Whoo hoo!

Awesome!

Yes, yes!

Wha? Shit!

Shit, it's stuck! - The keg is out! - God Dammit!

Hey!

Humus didn't you die?

No time to explain.

Follow me!

Let's go!

( MAYHEM )

( INALES LOUDLY ) Oah!

Huh!

Aoh!

Ewh! Augh!

Hah!

( CHILD CRYING ): Why'd you hurt them?

The little girl!

( BLOWS THRICE )

This... this is an egg!

Guys, guys, this is-is an egg here, it's not Katie.

( CRYING ) - I found her!

Don't be afraid little Katie, we won't let anything bad happen to you.

That's right.

We won't let those awful chickens do to you

what they did to your mother's bloody, decapitated corpse.

Mommy! ( CRYING )

Arbie! Why would you say something like that?

Yeah, Counter gir-rl!

What would make you say somethin' like that?

It's Ariel Sharon! Oh!

( DEEP EVIL LAUGHTER )

( CLUCKING )

( SCREECHING ) - Dear God, no!

Arbie, we're trapped. We're dead!

I know, Wendy.

But I just want you to know that:

I realize now why you left me.

Besides the fact that I had the social skills and mental skills of a

shit-covered mongoloid, I...

I had no drive, no ambition;

I used my parent's disabilities as, ah, an excuse to avoid college,

to avoid growing up.

What I know is:

you need a man, not a boy.

A man to drive you. A man to inspire you.

A man support you in the emotional way,

not the financial way, just to make that clear.

A man to complete you. A-

( CLEARING THROAT )

You... hu... rrrrh-

Give me one more minute, okay, just one more minute.

Oh-

A man to love and to respect you.

Even if that man you chose, was a woman!

Mmmh? - If we make it through this, I want you to know that

I can be that woman. I could-

Shhh!

You had me from 'shit-covered mongoloid. '

Oh, Wendy!

( LOUDLY EXHALES )

Oh-

Dinner! ( LAUGHS )

Wauah-

В¶ Frightening human faces, bodies strewn about,

В¶ Would you like a last request,

В¶ Before I peck your eyeballs out?

В¶ Mr. Chicken have compassion,

В¶ Before our bones you start mashin'!

В¶ Can't you see that we're in love?

В¶ Sorry I don't give a fuck!

В¶ We just came to fuck shit up!

В¶ You show no love for the red skin man,

В¶ You came, you saw, you raped our land!

В¶ You white devils are a fiendish breed,

В¶ You know not love, just death and greed!

В¶ But I love Arbie, yes it's true,

В¶ The Indians and chickens we love them too!

В¶ Bullshit, that's just pillow talk,

В¶ You lied to us at Plymouth Rock!

В¶ The last thing you hear is our squawk!

В¶ The white man has destroyed our race,

В¶ You spit in Mother Nature's face!

В¶ Flightless birds you love to eat,

В¶ Consume you now

В¶ The new

В¶ White

В¶ Meat!

В¶ (AMERIND CHANT BEGINS ) В¶...

Oh!- ( GURGLINGS )

I'll be with you in just a minute, I, ohhh!-

Oh, I got a little gas, I just got a- ( DIARRHEA )

( FARTING ) I just got a...

bit of acid reflux. I just-

He's going to blow!

Waaaaaaah!

( MULTIPLE POPS AND SPLATS )

( CLUCKING IN BACKGROUND )

Well that was anti-climactic. - Yeah.

I guess he couldn't handle Mexican!

Paco you're a hero!

Actually Arbie, he's a grinder.

No, that's how he died; he's a sub.

I may like to be filled with semen,

but I ain't no submarine!

Hey, enough of these sandwich jokes-

But we're on a roll!

No, I am! ( LAUGHS )

( ALL LAUGH )

( MAYHEM )

They're coming in!

Well guys, we have a choice:

we can either escape out back-and in time, the demons will take over the world;

or we can stand-up and fight and-and we try to save humanity.

I'm kind of leanin' towards the former.

We can't let them destroy America!

I say we fight!

Destroy America?

Over my dead body!

( TEARING CLOTH )

В¶ (MIDDLE EASTERN DRUM ) В¶...

( BEEPING )

God Dammit!

Holy Mother of God! Humus so you're hot!

I just want to fuck you!

Give me head, right now!

No! No, there must be another way!

Go Arbie, you and Wendy must go on.

Let your love blossom.

and always remember:

judge not, lest you be judged yourself!

I kill myself so that democracy can survive!

May Allah bless America! ( BEEPING INTENSIFIES )

Die, mother fuckers! ( ULULATES )

Paco, let's go! - No, I'm staying.

America isn't ready to accept a gay Mexican, chicken sandwich!

Oh, crap! I forgot to punch-out my time card.

I'll be right back. - No!

( EXPLOSION )

( ALL SCREAMING )

( COUGHING )

Humus did it! She martyred herself to eradicate the

chicken-slash-Native-American menace!

Oh Humus, I hope you get those 72 Virginians,

because they are for lovers!

Woooooah!

( SCREAMS ) - The Chief! He's turned into one of the undead!

( VOMITING )

Nah, he's just loaded. Let's go home!

You just lie down now, honey.

Here this will help you relax.

We'll get you to safety.

Oh Arbie, you were so brave! - We all were.

And by sticking together,

we rid the world of those insidious beasts.

You know it's time we start living our lives right.

No more dead-end jobs for Arbie.

We're safe and sound and the future never looked brighter.

And I've learned that...

protesting big business is narrow-minded and misguided.

Maybe by pointing my finger at the corporate elite and special interest groups

I've just been running away for my own insecurities.

Isn't that right little girl?

Uh-huh!

Ah! Uh! Ugh!

Arbie, I don't... feel so... good. ( FARTS )

Aaah! - It must be the beer talkin' - Yeah! -Yeah.

( CLUCKING )

( FARTS )

( SCREAMS ) ( ALL SCREAM )

( TIRES SCREECHING )

( ALL SCREAMING ) ( CRASH )

( SCREAMING CONTINUES )

( SCREAMING ) ( CRASH )

( EXPLOSION)

...В¶ You'll be into life,

В¶ Well, let's all be chickens tonight!

В¶ We're all gonna die-

В¶ So think twice,

В¶ about where you lead!

В¶ Think twice,

В¶ about eating meat!

В¶ Don't kill,

В¶ little baby chickens!

В¶ Be nice,

В¶ and try to find a

В¶ brand new solution,

В¶ It's of a chicken resolution!

В¶ (LAUGHING )

В¶ Poultrygeist!

В¶ We're all gonna die-

В¶ Poultrygeist!

В¶ We all keep killing them-

Poultrygeist!

В¶ Well let's all stop killing-

В¶ You'll be eaten alive

В¶ by zombie chickens tonight!

В¶ We're all gonna die-

В¶ You're all gonna die-

В¶ You're all gonna die-

В¶ Whoo-ooo!

В¶ We're all gonna die! ( END SONG )

В¶...

В¶ All these fried chicken wings that I'm serving,

В¶ They make me yearn

В¶ for your breasts, legs and thighs.

В¶ And my hunger for you is unswerving,

В¶ Without you my heart stops

В¶ and my heart dies.

В¶ All these protests and speeches I'm making,

В¶ To end all this chicken suffering and slaughter.

В¶ His only response

В¶ is that I'm faking,

В¶ Yeah, that I'm gay,

В¶ just like Dick Cheney's daughter.

В¶ My need and your buns make such special sauce-

В¶ Gay seems my way to quote Robert Frost.

В¶ It could have been nostalgia for all that is lost,

В¶ Could it be that our love is star-crossed?

В¶ Whoa-oooo

В¶ I sure miss getting my salad tossed.

В¶ 'Cause you are my fries, and your shake makes me shiver,

В¶ You're my Happy Meal sent from above.

В¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,

В¶ A heavenly slow, fast food love?

В¶ Since that night all I have is self-pleasure,

В¶ Bumping uglies real hard we did grind,

В¶ With tissue and hand cream I can try to remember,

В¶ How you stuffed this thing, how you stuffed this thing up my behind.

В¶ With my partner in bed I am yearning,

В¶ To get pleasure and passion that's the truth.

В¶ Only thoughts of you get me burning,

В¶ Memories of your beef make me stew.

В¶ If hearts were like chickens, yours I'd defrost,

В¶ To reclaim true love, what is the cost?

В¶ It could be nostalgia for all that is lost,

В¶ Could it be that our love is star crossed?

В¶ Whoa-oooo

В¶ I sure miss gettin' my salad tossed.

В¶ 'Cause you are my fries, and your shake makes me shiver,

В¶ You're my Happy Meal sent from above.

В¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,

В¶ A heavenly slow, fast food love?

В¶ Come on, let mine out!

В¶ 'Cause you are my fries, and your shake makes me shiver,

В¶ You're my Happy Meal sent from above.

В¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,

В¶ A heavenly slow, fast food love?

В¶ I want a piece of you

В¶ Shake me hard, top with flour-