Original subtitles

Hello, Naomi.

Count your lucky stars, babe.

Bud Bundy's in the house.

Bud Bundy?

We met at the frat party last weekend.

I was the one who found your underwear.

On the ceiling, right.

Say, listen, seems I have a last-minute cancellation...

...in my social calendar any night of the week...

...and, well, I was wondering if you'd like--

You would? This Saturday night?

Okay, Al. I'm ready.

I'm gonna call you right back with the address, okay?

My masseuse is just leaving.

Let's go, Al.

Oh, feeling any better, Bud?

Is that you, Ma?

Oh, I just feel awful that you and Kelly got sick...

...and can't come with us to my family reunion.

And I really hate to leave you in this condition.

After all, I wouldn't want people to think I'm an unfit parent.

Let's see this.

Ninety-eight point six.

Is that good?

Nope.

Oh, maybe I really should stay home.

I hate to miss out on the festivities though.

This year they're gonna celebrate...

...the first annual Wanker County Olympic Games.

Damn this fever.

You and Dad have a tire-hugging good time.

Oh, we will. Bye, Buck. Bye, house. Bye, couch.

Oh, boy.

Let's go, Al.

- Oh, Peg, do I have to? - Yes.

As the only non-blood relative invited...

...they're counting on you to officiate the Olympics.

Now, let's go before we miss the ceremonial lighting of cousin Jeb.

Oh, all right. Have we got everything?

- The water-purification tablets? - Check.

The meat-fish-grain purification tablets?

- Check. - The Wanker translation book?

- You know, English to gibberish. - Check.

Dad, you want me to take the bag to the car?

No, she can walk.

Listen, if you don't hear from me at least once a day...

...Aunt Skeeter probably violated parole and baked me into one of her pies.

In which case, call 911...

...or as they say in Wanker County, "Nine hundred and eleven."

Hey, Bud, guess what?

Damn this fever.

When will it end?

Oh, poor thing.

Hey, Peg, I think I'm coming down with something.

Yes. You're coming down with me to Wanker County.

Bags, then go.

Come on.

- Well, they're gone. - For a whole week.

And guess what, Kel?

Saturday night I got a shot at a babe who hasn't used the word "no"...

...since the last time someone asked her if she ever used the word "no."

Well, what if I said that I needed the house next Saturday night?

What if you said you were on fire?

I mean, either way it means nothing to me.

Then you'll have to tell the little children they'll never learn to read.

Kel, there's nothing you can say to me right now that--

Tell what little children they'll never learn to read?

Well, you know that anti-illiteracy campaign that I've been so active in?

- No. - That's the one.

You see, Budrick...

...these kids look at me as the Verminator...

...and all they see is glamour and bright lights and deadly poison...

...but I'm more than just a sexy chick who kills bugs. I'm a role model.

So I volunteered to shoot a public service announcement in the house...

...to encourage them to read.

But, Kel, you can't read.

Yeah, well, you can't score, but you still have a bed.

I just thought that it was time that I gave something back to the community.

Well, judging by the lines at the free clinic you already have.

You know, that's the sort of crack...

...that would make the old Kelly call you a "rubber-loving Barbie thumper."

But that's the old Kelly.

The new Kelly is simply gonna ask you...

...to let me have the house next Saturday...

...so I can show these kids the beauty of The Little Engine That Could.

I loved The Little Engine That Could.

Yeah, we all did, Bud, but some of us have moved on.

"'Puff, puff, chug, chug,' went the little blue engine."

"'I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

I think I can."'

You know, this would make a great TV movie starring Robert Urich...

...or that brawny Facts of Life girl.

Wait a second, what's that smell?

It's you.

Bud, you smell good. What's wrong?

It's my brand-new scent.

Guaranteed to attract the ladies.

Yeah? What's it called?

"Simply Abe."

And if that's not enough, I got another buck taped to my thigh.

- Well, good luck. - Thanks.

And have fun doing your commercial.

Thank you.

- Bye. - See you.

Okay. He's gone.

Thanks. I was getting kind of bored out there, so I took some pictures.

See?

This one here's from the house across the street.

It's nice. Thank you.

Where the hell does she find these guys?

So you wanna fool around on the couch?

Relax, Gunther, we've got hours.

I mean, Bud really thinks I'm shooting a commercial.

- What a Mormon. - I know.

So you wanna fool around on the couch?

Gunther, you don't just come into my house...

...covered with oil, smoking a smelly cigar...

...and ask me to fool around on my mother's couch.

I mean, that would be a sign of low breeding.

Here, we'll fool around on the floor behind the couch.

Gunther, what did you forget to do?

- Oh. Sorry. - Well, take it out.

- Is that better? - Yes.

I know this may not be quite as comfortable...

...as what you're used to, my dear...

...but personally, I find making love indoors restrictive.

So I'm glad that attendant threw us out of his photomat.

You're as broke as a two-dollar wristwatch, aren't you?

And hornier than a funeral in New Orleans, baby.

Shall we?

- No. - No?

Where'd you pick up that kind of language?

Look, I don't know what kind of tramp you think I am.

Just because a man can build a nest like a wren...

...doesn't mean I'll make out with him. Goodbye.

But I'm wearing "Simply Abe."

You know, Kelly, I can't help but feel...

...that this is, in some small way, my fault.

See you.

Who's gonna tell Mom you burnt up her couch?

Wait, wait a second.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

I can't believe you burned down Mom's couch.

Well, I can't believe you bought that stupid "concern for illiteracy" crap.

If you had doubted me the way you're supposed to...

...this never would have happened.

Nice try, pyro-nymph.

- Bud, you've got to help me. - Oh, well, sure.

If you don't mind living a life of servitude and degradation...

...I hear Saudi Arabia needs blonds.

I am not asking for me. I'm asking for Mom.

I mean, this couch is her life. She can't go on without it.

Bud, if she finds out about this it could kill her.

Kelly, don't you think you're exaggerating just a little?

- Hello? - Is my couch okay?

Your couch? Why, yes, Mom. It's fine. It's lovely.

- Why do you ask? - Well, the funniest thing...

...for no reason, my rear end suddenly got warm.

Mom, what could have happened to the couch...

...that's worse than you and Dad sitting on it, right?

Yeah. I guess I'm just being silly.

- Anyway, wanna say hi to your father? - No.

Last contestant in the rooster toss: Cousin Zeke.

Okay. That's 40 feet. That's a winner.

Congratulations, Zeke.

We shall now have the ceremonial running of the pigs.

Not at me, you hillbillies!

Well, you guys have fun...

...and don't worry about the couch, okay?

- Say goodbye to Dad for me. - Al, the kids said goodbye.

Peg! To Serve Man...

...it's a cookbook!

- Bud, we're doomed. - "We"? Wait a second.

I didn't have anything to do with this. I was out with a girl.

And you really think they're gonna believe that?

Okay, I'll help.

If we're gonna get a new couch, we need is a picture of the old one.

Great idea. Bud, you are a genius.

Alrighty. Now what?

Now we send this to Ripley's along with your picture.

I meant a picture before the fire.

Okay, I'm gonna get Mom's photo album.

There's probably more pictures of the couch in here than there are of us.

I can't believe it.

Went to every store in town and nobody had that couch.

Well, I say we get the Guadalajara Yellow Pages...

...and start calling Goodwill.

Well, I will not give up.

The good thing is is that we still have another week to look.

Hello?

Honey, we're coming home early. Your father's had a little accident.

Accident, my ass! They skinned me alive, Peg.

Well, you know, you know better than to stand too close to cousin Blinky...

...when he's filleting ferret.

Anyway, Kelly, we're coming home tomorrow.

And you know, I just can't wait to--

Bud, they're coming home tomorrow.

Is there any way that I can talk you into taking full blame for this?

Sure. You can get me a woman who won't say no.

So there's no way.

Hey, guys.

I got the scoop on your couch.

I got some friends in the furniture business.

Well, actually they're in...

...the "making false compartments in the furniture" business.

- But they gave me the lowdown. - Oh, please, let this be easy.

Please, please, please.

This is not going to be easy.

This may come as a surprise to you...

...but your couch wasn't exactly a popular item.

How many were made? What, a thousand? Five hundred?

- What? - Two.

- Well, how many did they sell? - One.

Great. Then all we gotta do is find the one that they sold.

How hard could that be?

Boy, when your looks go, you're dead.

You're dead.

Now, no one really knows where the other couch is...

...but I do know who made it and where he lives.

Oh, then at least let this be easy.

This is not going to be easy.

It seems the guy who built it went insane.

How insane?

Well, he spackled in his naval.

He built a shrine to Larry of the Three Stooges...

...and he moved deep into the woods.

How deep into the woods?

Hi. Are you Mary?

My name is "Ma-ray." "Ma-ray."

Oh, sorry.

- How do you spell "Ma-ray?" - M-A-R-Y.

- Well, then how do you spell Mary? - M-A-R-Y.

So are you busy or "bus-ay"?

Depends.

Are you from the escort service I called in '79?

No. I'm here to see a man about a couch.

Well, come on in.

But if the escort babe shows up you're gonna have to leave.

Besides, I don't know where you got the idea that I have a couch.

You want a couch, you go to a mall.

You want a chair, you go to a mall.

You want to see teenage girls ride up and down escalators...

...with very short skirts, you go to a mall...

...but you wanna eat fried squirrel off a dirt floor, you come here.

- Can I get you anything? - Cappuccino?

- Decaf? - Please.

Coming right up.

What kind of couch you looking for?

Well, one with sturdy legs, you know, that you could fall asleep on.

That's what I ordered from the escort service.

Sit down.

Not there.

Not there.

- Then where? - Right here.

This is my bed. Sorry it's not made. I wasn't expecting company.

Thank you.

- Now, let's talk couches. - Oh, great.

Here's the one that we're looking for.

They say that you're the man who made it.

No. Not this one. I was desperate.

My mother was sick. We needed the money.

Who are you to judge me?

No, you don't understand. We like the couch.

Yeah, so do I. This is from my "furniture for white trash" line.

The "drunken hillbilly" collection. My one attempt at commercialism.

God, I hate America.

Not the country. The rock group.

- Say, look, Mary-- - "Ma-ray!"

Mary, "Ma-ray," madman...

It's getting late and I'm kind of caught short here without a silver bullet...

...so can you help me replace the couch or not?

Well, I am sorry, but I no longer build couches.

Now I just visualize world peace and occasionally re-enact...

...The Unsinkable Molly Brown.

However, I am willing to part...

...with what is under this giant spreading fungus over here.

It's perfect. It's perfect.

- Even down to the stains. - Made them myself.

- How much? - Don't insult me with money.

Well, how can I insult you?

With something I've been needing and wanting for a very, very long time.

And you're just the person who can give it to me.

I can't believe what you did to get this couch.

Well, he really wanted it, Bud.

I mean, it's been years.

We're home. And I missed you so much.

Oh, we missed you too, Mom.

It really is okay.

You know, this is the first time my bottom has ever lied to me.

- So how were the Olympics, Dad? - Oh, fine, fine.

You guys ever have a carrot peeler run up and down your arms really fast?

Of course you have. What the heck, who hasn't?

Well, I guess I'll go to bed.

I haven't had a good night's sleep since...

Well, since I got married.

Yeah, you know, I'm really tired too.

Oh, come on Peg, I already got skinned once today.

Oh, Al, don't flatter yourself.

Not everything you do turns me on.

Oh, baby. The way you open your mouth.

No, Peg.

Kel, looks like you're gonna get away with it.

Though they're gonna find out what you did to get this couch.

Well, God knows I didn't wanna do it...

...but in today's world...

...you gotta give something to get something.