Original subtitles

Cameron?

Cam?

Can you see me?

No.

On the webcam, webcam.

Dad, wave to me.

I'm waving.

There's a delay.

What? A delay.

Ah, there's a delay?

How are you going?

Can't sleep.

Bloody jet lag, shocker.

I'm sorry it's all so tits up.

What? Tits up!

Where?

I've got to sort some stuff out, they need me here.

Your uncle Pete's an idiot.

Mum says you're not coming back.

You mustn't listen to everything she says, mate.

When, then?

I can't say.

Watch this.

HE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

Watch what? You're just stood there.

Ahhh!

That's a funny sounding chicken, Dad.

Oh, yeah.

MUSIC PLAYS

Kay?

Kay?

What?

Squeaky's disappeared.

Good.

So, I've got to do the school run.

Thought you were allergic.

Fran's going to give me a lift in.

Ooh.

You two should just get a room.

Yeah, yeah.

What you up to?

It's the funeral today. I'm going to go watch Brad.

Do you think you'll see Rita, too?

Maybe.

See if she's heard from her brother yet,

take her to the arcade.

And if Lech has to stay here, can you please tell him

to put some clothes on?

So, what happened to the body on the beach, Dad?

Ah, well, they're everywhere, mate, washing up all over the place.

Whole country's gone to the dogs.

Wave again. Huh?

I miss you, boy.

I miss you.

Listen, Cam, I'm going to sort the internet out at your nan's

and then we can Skype.

Stop all this shit.

I love you, Dad.

Watch this.

Cam?

Cam?

Oh.

Morning, Rita.

Morning.

BELL RINGS

Good luck with your funeral today, Bradley.

Thanks, sweetheart.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, that was good.

Tea, good? Good.

Lovely day.

Sun.

Thanks for this, Fran.

Oh, here, you're in a good mood, aren't you?

Oh, he's always in a good mood.

That's me. Pete?

Yeah?

Nothing.

Stop laughing.

Peter, come.

Come, I show you.

Try.

Mr Green.

Try.

Oh, Peter, see this?

Hammer, hammer! Hammer.

Try.

CAR ENGINE REVS

Ah?

Oh, I don't know what to say.

I owe you one. Yes, one.

Careful.

CAR ENGINE REVS

CAR ENGINE REVS

CAR ENGINE REVS

Oh, Fran, why couldn't you just ask him?

MUSIC PLAYS

"> Oh!

I suppose the war's over.

No war.

PHONE VIBRATES

Your donkey's vibrating.

Just a minute.

Hello, hello, hello... SHE SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

CHILDREN SHOUTING

Please, stop that. Please, settle down!

I can see you.

Please, sit down in your seats and fasten your seat belts.

Back in your seat, now! That's not your trumpet, is it?

Please, it's not my law, it's the law of the land.

Sit down, thank you. Please.

Pete, turn around!

Pete, turn! Turn!

KIDS SHOUTING ON THE BUS

SHE SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Bognor, um, Bognor...

..Bognor Regis.

What's up?

Where are you off to?

Crawley.

That'll do.

What about work?

What about it?

CHEERING

Grow up, everyone, grow up.

At least I can make you beautiful, can't I, darling?

RADIO PLAYS

Off, off, off.

If any of you have taken the emergency window hammers

from the wall fittings, then, um...

..well, you know who you are.

I'm so sorry, driver.

Come on. I'm so sorry, driver.

Come on, Parish, off you come.

Oh, Parish? Pete?

Did you see Rita this morning?

She's sorting out your mum's garden.

Oh, right.

She seems pretty cool.

Good luck.

Cheers, Pete!

What's that all about?

Pete?

Who's Rita?

Excuse me?

My brother come soon, I go.

Kayla, please.

Kayla?

Eritrea, you say?

What's wrong with Eritrea?

They force them to join the army there.

Can't leave.

Blimey.

What are you going to do?

She's going to stay with my mum.

Is that what she wants?

Makes sense.

Going to get some advice.

Big commitment, Pete.

Yeah. Not like you.

Barry thinks they're taking the piss.

Says they all are.

What do you think?

It's what's happening.

Well, we all need looking after.

Suppose.

I could do with a bit of looking after.

No fireworks, just a... a cuddle now and again.

Little bit of help.

I've got very low expectations.

Talk straightforward.

Only gets straightforward when we die, Pete.

SAD MUSIC PLAYS

Mum?

Mum?

Who's cleaned it all up?

Hello?

Mum?

Mum!

What's going on?

What happened?

The brother came.

I am the brother.

You don't get it, do you, Peter?

Barry.

She fixed it up and the brother came.

Who?

Course he found her when they come all that way.

She buggered off sharpish.

Where?

North somewhere.

Shripney? North, you great burt! Bolton or somewhere.

Leeds.

So, she's not coming back?

Well, she never wanted to be here in the first place, did she?

Use your loaf.

No-one's here unless they have to be.

CHILDREN SHOUTING

Uh, sit down, please!

Sit down, back in your seat, now!

PHONE RINGS

Can you take that? It's my brother.

Hello! Pee-Wee!

She's gone.

What? You mean Rita?

Yeah, and Sheila.

A young visitor, fucked off.

About bloody time, right?

Yeah, problem solved, mate.

pBrother came, took her away.

Listen, Barry... let me phone you back, Barry,

let me phone you back.

Can't believe you bloody fell for it, Pee-Wee!

Uh, settle down, please!

Can we do this later, Barry?

She took you for a ride, Pete.

No, you don't understand, Barry, please, it's nothing like that.

Just a bloody fence jumper.

You don't know what you're talking about, Barry.

She's probably a criminal, like the rest of them.

Give, give, give, give. I warned you, Pee-Wee, I told you.

Actually, I tell you what, Barry? Barry?

pWhat, mate? Why don't you just shut the fuck up?

Language, please, driver.

Pete?

Pete?!

Pee-Wee?

CHEERING

Settle down! Simmer down back there.

Pete? What are you thinking?

Pete?

Hold on.

We're going to take a detour.

Woo!

Come on, settle down, back in your seats.

What's going on, driver?

CHEERING Shut up!

CHILDREN CHANTING

Pete! Come on, Pete, Roger me.

Roger me now, Pete, come on.

All right, everyone.

OK, everyone, follow me.

All of you, come on! Quick, quick, quick!

And you! Come on, this way. Come on.

That's it.

Come on, bring, bring, get them out.

Is he all right? Yeah, he's just...

All right, quick as you can.

Quick as you can. Come on, come on!

Dad, what are you doing?

Have we missed it?

No, no, but... Right. ..why are you here with?

Rita's gone.

What?

She's gone. Where?

No, no, no. She's GONE-gone.

Barry just phoned.

Her brother came for her.

Shit.

They found each other.

Shit.

Come on! Come on.

That's it.

Right...

Everyone gather round, this is important.

Please. Come on.

Can someone tell me what's going on here?

No? Right, well, these people, the people they're burying,

were trying to come here last year and they drowned.

Kay? No-one could find out who they are.

They don't know... Rita's gone.

She didn't even say goodbye.

Shit.

Hang on.

Everything OK, Pete?

Yeah, I'm so sorry to gate-crash, Brad. It's just, uh, well,

no-one was going to, and I...

...and I was going to... I don't know what I was going to do.

It's OK, it's all right.

CHILDREN PLAY THEIR INSTRUMENTS

Persimmon, peremptory, palliative, Piccadilly Circus.

Ohh.

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

HE FARTS

SHE FARTS

RADIO PLAYS

HE GROANS

HE FARTS

Mm, she very good looking woman.

She's my daughter, Lech.

Mm. Strong.

Yeah. Yes.

I suppose so.

We never really...

..two big personalities.

Mm.

Birmingham.

Opportunities.

Peter, this party house now, huh?

HE HUMS

Huh?

MUSIC PLAYS

Leave this to me. CAR ENGINE REVS

Where have you been?

Business. Oh, yeah?

Got waylaid.

Laid?

Pete... I had to do a school trip.

I don't do school trips.

What have you done to your face?

It's all sorted.

I've cleared the tab.

What happened?

Can I borrow your special cushion?

No.

MUSIC: Angels by Robbie Williams

Twat.

I know.

MUSIC: Angels by Robbie Williams

Can't believe she's gone.

Didn't think she'd get it together.

Oh, you should be proud of her.

She couldn't stay forever.

Yeah, you drive each other crazy.

Go and drive her mum crazy for a bit.

Anyway.

Better get on.

You're a free man now.

Suppose I am.

Shall we actually do that pint, then?

Definitely.

All right, well, I'll text you.

Yeah.

Got your visa?

What?

Legoland.

Oh.

Open borders.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS Pete!

Pete! Pete!

Wait! Wait!

Wait, Pete! Pete!

I've just been on the phone to Kayla.

She's got as far as the Guildford Travelodge on the A3.

She wants you to fetch her.

Righto.

BUS HORN BEEPS

Some folk like the weather cold

It's healthy they tell you

It may be dense but where's the sense

If your nose keeps turning blue?

On the day that I was born I was just a minute old

I popped my head 'neath the clothes and said,

"Brr! Don't the wind blow cold?!

Sailor Joe got shipwrecked on...

Here to stay, are you?

He yelled and raved As a shirt he waved

Oh, don't the wind blow cold?

There's no sense in shivering until you start to freeze

What's the use of quivering and shaking at the knees?

Cried Maudie on the pillion seat

"It was great fun I was told

"But when you ride with your legs astride

"Hehe don't the wind blow cold?"

A Scotchman for an advert once Around the town he strolled

On a pair of stilts in Scotchman's kilts

Wow, don't the wind blow cold?

While Miss Jones were in her bath Our curate called I'm told

He saw the door ajar Giggled, "There you are!

"Oh, don't the wind blow cold?"

A girl I cuddled in the park said, "Please let go your hold

"Something's ripped and I think it's slipped

"Oh, Mother, don't the wind blow cold?

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