Original subtitles

RADIO PLAYS MUFFLED POP MUSIC

Dad.

Dad!

Hello?

Yeah?

She left her donkey.

RADIO CONTINUES

If you need somebody

Call my name

If you want someone...

PETE SIGHS

Well, we did what we could for her.

Did we?

Yes, I... I think we can be proud of ourselves, Kay.

Can we?

We showed her that there are still

decent, compassionate,

humane people in the world.

You wanted her to leave.

No, no.

She had to move on for her own safety.

Then what about the blokes at the door?

She'll find her own way.

If you love somebody...

If you love someone...

..set them free.

Free, free, set them free...

TOILET FLUSHES

So, um...

OK, toast?

Yeah. Not you.

Toast good.

HALTINGLY, IN A VAGUELY FOREIGN ACCENT: Kayla and me,

we go to work.

Work.

I work?

No, no, no.

You stay here.

Here.

You don't have to put on an accent. I'm not.

She's not stupid.

Yes, um...

I work.

You work? I work.

Y-you, in Eritrea?

Yes.

Kayla, she work,

um, she cook foods.

Tssssss.

Tssss. Tssssss.

You?

I am soldier.

Duw-duw-duw-duw-duw-duw...

'K.

Good, great. Yes.

Soldier.

That's interesting, is-isn't it, Kay?

What?

Um, I...

You run away, yeah? Yeah.

Um, man...

Er, they...

They say I work,

money...

Of course.

Um, me and my brother, we...

We go.

You need to find him, yeah?

Dad'll fix your phone, yeah?

After work.

Yeah. Fix it.

Kayla and me,

w-w-w-we go.

You stay inside,

door lock,

then I come back

and I sort it "owl" out.

Ah.

"Awll" out.

"Awll out"?! OK.

I don't feel right leaving her.

You just want an excuse not to work.

You stay with her then.

I can't, I have other responsibilities.

You'll be back before long, so...

This is bollocks.

Kay, look, she's as safe here as anywhere.

She's got food and water. She's not a pet.

I know she's not a pet. Do you?

Remember Monty?

Monty wasn't my fault.

Wasn't he?

You left the front door open.

I didn't run him over, though, did I?

Oh, do we have to go through this again?

You're supposed to be a good driver.

Had any other road kills?

Kayla! You've done it again!

DOOR SLAMS

FROM OUTSIDE: You always run away from important stuff.

Oh, what? My job isn't important?

Paying the mortgage isn't important?

ENGINE RATTLES AND STARTS

What if they come back? They've gone, you heard them.

This is bollocks.

Huh, spoken like a true teenager.

I'm 20!

CAR DRIVES AWAY

Two A-levels and a BTEC to cook sausages in a lay-by.

Well, at least you've got a job.

It's nothing though, is it?

It's shit.

Kay. Fuck my life.

Kay! Morning, Kay!

Er, have I done something wrong, Pete?

No, course not.

It's just,

you look like a man with piles.

I am a man with piles.

KAY SIGHS

MUFFLED RADIO PLAYS

Whenever I'm wrong,

Just tell me the song and I'll sing it

You'll be right and...

SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY

LOUD AND CLEAR: ..derstood

Want you back, want you back

I want you back for good...

All right, Lech?

Hello.

Want to swap?

Where are you going?

School run.

No.

Come on!

In my contract, mate. No schools.

Japs, is it?

Pomp and palaces.

You and Mel? Mm.

She's a married woman, Pete. They're the worst.

Gagging for a change of diet.

Why are you telling me all this, Dave?

Did you hear they've closed Bracklesham Bay?

Not going anywhere near it.

Three bodies washed up.

That's five in one week, Pete.

New high score.

Where they all coming from, eh, Lech?

Poland?

I don't know.

You wonder, don't you?

If these are the unlucky ones,

where are the lucky ones?

Where've they got to, Pete?

Not my problem, Dave.

Hurry up, Lech. Yes.

Fuck sake.

GULLS SQUAWK AND CAW

This is my beach, it's mine.

Two, of a billion stars

It means so much to me

Like a birthday or a pretty view

But then I'm sure that you know

It's just for you

Her name is Rio...

Konni-chihuahua.

That's a dog, Pete.

What is? Chihuahua's a dog.

Konnichiwa.

Konnichiwa.

Bingo.

I'm English, Mel.

Well, you'd never have guessed.

Oh.

Showtime.

TO HIMSELF: Konnichiwa.

Konnichiwa.

MECHANICAL HISS

Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa.

Dozo.

TO HIMSELF: Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa.

All right?

Konnichiwa.

Konnichiwa.

Konnichiwa.

Konnichiwa.

PHONE RINGS

MUSIC: Don't You Want Me by The Human League

No-one's home, leave a message. Kay, did you...

ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS

G'day, cocker! It's Bazza!

You there, Pete?

Where are ya, ya big drongo?!

I've got something to tell you.

Pee Wee?

Hello?

COACH HORN BLARES

..You've got the world at your feet

Success has been so easy for you...

Hampton Court Palace is where

Cardinal Thomas Wolsey...

SHE CONTINUES IN JAPANESE

..Perpendicular Gothic...

SHE CONTINUES IN JAPANESE

..Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me, oh-oh-oh?

I was working as a waitress...

Henry VIII...

SHE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

..Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

..Waitress in a cocktail bar

That much is true

But even then I knew I'd find a much better place...

Told you he'd make us come back.

No, you didn't. You said he wouldn't care.

Shut up, then. Let's get it done.

..Love you

But now it's time I think I lived my life on my own

I guess it's what I must do...

DOORBELL RINGS, BANGING ON DOOR

..Don't, don't you want me

You know I can't believe it

When I hear that you won't see me

Don't, don't you want me...

SHE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

PASSENGERS SPEAK IN JAPANESE

I told them it was good luck to give paper money.

Driver?

Yes, sir.

Thank you for driving.

You're welcome.

Question.

William Shakespeare.

Hmm?

I try to read, I found it very difficult.

Difficult English.

You? Me?

You find Shakespeare difficult?

Driver, can you please explain blank verse...

..iambic pentameter.

Oh, look, Mr Pentameter, there's a palace tour guide waiting

to take you through the portcullis.

Very good... Driver.

Right, then. Let's go.

Wow!

MAN CHUCKLES

Haven't seen one of these in ages. Mm?

Yeah, I can see exactly what the problem is.

It's smashed.

I need... my brother, please.

Look...

I can't make any promises, but... come back later, OK?

One hour.

One hour.

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

So they see something, say a building -

either it doesn't live up to their expectations

or it exceeds their expectations, blows their minds.

And they actually pass out?

You have to sit with them, head between their legs.

Yeah, it a recognised syndrome, Pete. Extreme culture shock.

You want another one?

Think I'd burst.

HE CHUCKLES

So, what's going on with you, then, Pete?

You know these people keep being washed up?

Horrible, isn't it?

I saw one. What?!

One on Bognor Beach, I saw it.

Alive? No, no.

Must have been terrible.

But I didn't do anything.

Well, what could you have done?

Wasn't your fault.

WATER SPLASHES

Should have brought salt.

Can't have an egg without salt.

SHE SIGHS

You worry too much, Pete.

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

I'll keep holding on

I'll keep holding on...

Fuck you.

.. Cos nothing here is wrong...

Piece of shit.

Vegetarian. Vegetarian.

GADGETS BEEP AND CHIME

Run, run, run, run!

Run, run, run!

CHILDREN LAUGH

..Nothing ever could be, yeah

Oh-oh-oh

I'll keep holding on...

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Have you got anyone in your life at the minute, Pete?

What do you mean?

I thought you were seeing that woman whose husband died.

Ah, no, no.

Too complicated.

She's got a son.

You've got a daughter.

Yeah, it's...

It's different. He's... he's a bit... Oi!

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

You can't swim here.

We're cooling our feet!

Go on. It's nothing.

You have to have a licence!

What?

You can't fish without a licence!

Does it look like we're fishing?

It's a bylaw!

You don't own the river!

You'll spook the fish!

Oh, God... There ain't any fish, it's the Thames.

I know who you are!

What? I said, I know who you are!

Don't care!

I know who you are!

No, you don't!

I made it very clear, you're not allowed to fish!

Well, fuck off!

Yeah, why don't you just please fuck off?!

MOTORBOAT CHUGS

Not you.

GENTLE CHATTER

MACHINES RATTLE

I have to leave, Fran, it's an emergency.

Just is, yeah.

I'm going. I'm going.

Perpendicular Gothic.

Very good.

Glad to hear it.

ENGINE STARTS

MUSIC ON RADIO

MUSIC: A Whiter Shade Of Pale by Procol Harum

This, above all...

To thine own self be true

And it must follow

As the night the day

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

We skipped the light fandango

Turned cartwheels across the floor

I was feeling kinda seasick...

Come on, then, let's beat the traffic.

SIZZLING

We only ever said it was temporary. You have to give me notice, Kayla.

I've left something at home. Well, couldn't it wait? No.

Oh, for heaven's sake. And I ate a sausage. So...?

This girl's a vegetarian.

Look, I couldn't fix it, so I found you an old phone.

You need to charge it, it'll take about six hours.

You'll get a text and you've got to switch it off

and then switch it on again. Thank you. OK?

Good luck with your brother.

HE SIGHS

Rita?

Rita!

Rita!

PHONE RINGS

OVER SPEAKER: Dad! Someone's broken in!

What? Wait, let me... let me just turn this down.

Can you hear me?

Kay? They've broken in.

Who has? Who do you think?!

They've fucked the front door and been through the house

and she's gone. Oh...

Can you hear me?

Rita, Dad, she's gone! You should have stayed.

Well, what can I do?

Call the police. Can't call the police, they'll take her.

Think about it, Dad. She's illegal. Illegal, isn't she?

G-G-Go to your nan's,

I-I-I'll meet you at Nan's.

You have to do something, Dad.

You have to...

Oh, my God!

RUSTLING AND SOBBING

Kay?

LINE BEEPS

Kay?

Kay?

Kay!

HE MOANS

Where have you been?

You scared the shit out of me. I win for you.

Look what the bastards have done.

Come on, let's get out of here.

We're going to Nan's.

PETER MOANS

MOANING CONTINUES

TYRES SCREECH

Mum? Barry? Peter.

Nan. Rita.

This is not a knocking shop.

King George V...

SHE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

..bugger Bognor.

Mum, are you listening?

The thing is, I have got 20 Japanese tourists

booked into a medieval banquet an hour ago.

Does anyone know what this is?

Never seen one before.

I thought it was me. No.

Very interesting trip, Driver.

Beautiful contrast.

Absolutely, sir.

Bugger Bognor.

Konnich-iguana.

I-I'm sorry about all of this, Mel.

The thing is, when I did it, I didn't realise what I was doing,

and now that I've done it, I don't really know what to do.

I haven't got time for this, Pete. Sorry, but this is your problem.

They've already started the revelling in there.

TV ON

Where'd you get that?

Bognor.

Have you found your brother?

I wait.

Cool.

ENGINE RATTLES

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

ENGINE RATTLES

Oh, bollocks.

Agh! Please, come on!

Came as soon as I could. Shit's hit the fan big time.

Are you all right, Rita?

Nice to have your mum back, though, isn't it, Kayla?

Right.

Mmm!

Kaput.

How do you fancy staying the night at mine?

Peter, I think you never ask.

Oi, short-arse, you're a slippy little bastard, ain't you?

Hello. Not you, Igor. What do you mean?

I'm looking for my lost property. What?

HE SPEAKS IN POLISH

What?!

HE REPLIES IN POLISH

Do you want a Polski smack?

A Polski smack? Do you?

Do you? Do you even speak English, mate?

I speak English. Move, then.

THEY GRUNT AND GROAN

Lech! Lech!

Lech...

Now...

Lech! Careful!

You pull my ears... No, no, no! Actually, Lech...

CLATTERING

Lech, come on! Lech! Come on!

Lech!

I'll kill you! Lech!

Ohh...

HAMMER CLATTERS

ENGINE STARTS

MUSIC BLARES

Lech!

THEY GRUNT AND GASP

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, Peter! Go, go, go, go, go!

Yes... Yes!

Oi! Where is she?

HORN BLARES

Oi, come back!

You see this hand, Kay?

Hmm.

This is the hand of a qualified embalmer.

Oh, mate, don't touch me.

And on Monday, I get to do my first funeral.

And it's very good of you to take my son back.

He doesn't deserve you.

Um, good son.

They're just boys, aren't they? Men?

They're just boys.

I've never been to a funeral.

We had six of those beach bodies from last year.

Can I come?

There'll be no-one there.

It's for the council.

That's why they're letting me have a go.

Should be a giggle.

Oh. Good night. Night-night.

Off? Mm.

Night-night. Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.

Peter, I see this man yesterday, with Squeaky.

No, this man has bigger fish to fry, Lech.

Peter, this man, Squeaky.

You know? Squeaky's a twat.

Twat?

Early start.

I'll beat the traffic wardens.

Yes.

CLATTER

Did you hear that? Quiet.

DOOR OPENS

He come back for more. What?

We fight, Peter, he come back for more.

Grab weapon. What?

Oh, shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit.

Ohh! Peter, ssh.

DOOR OPENS

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Bastard! Get off me!

Leave us alone! We've done nothing wrong! Just leave us alone!

SOBBING: We've done nothing wrong...

Peter!

Pee-Wee?

Barry?!

Oh... Peter?

Brothers?

Yes!

LINE RINGS

MUFFLED CHATTER

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