Original subtitles

HE GASPS

Bollocks.

Oh-oh-oh-oh

All I know is that to me

You look like you're lots of fun

Open up your loving arms

Watch out, here I come

You spin me right round, baby

Right round like a record, baby

Right round, round, round

You spin me right round, baby

Right round like a record, baby

Right round, round, round...

WATER RUNS

Come on, hurry up! Punctuality's really important.

I'm ready! You're not ready.

Where's my jacket? So you're not ready!

Yes, I am! Kayla, come on!

Did you know you can buy a car that works?

Did you know it costs money?

ENGINE STARTS

Did you know you can get a job that pays more?

You can get a job at all.

Where do you think I'm going?

Where do you think I'm taking you?

Is this your girlfriend?

No, she isn't.

You ordered them.

Barry ordered them. Yes.

I'm Peter, Mum.

Barry's in Australia, remember? Married to Leanne?

Australian Leanne?

Barry's in Littlehampton.

Not for 17 years.

Well, how did he get all these things here?

He ordered them online in Australia.

He does it every week.

And they fly them here? No, Nan.

I don't want these nappies, I'm not a baby.

They're pads... for your bed, to keep 'em dry.

I think I'm going to go wait in the car.

You wanted one bag of 30, and Barry's got you 30 packs of 30.

That's very generous of him. It's a mistake, Mum.

Barry's made another mistake.

So what are you going to do about it?

Kill Barry, I suppose.

MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR

Uncle Baz bought 30 packs of piss pads!

Uncle Baz IS 30 packs of piss pads!

You could've helped put 'em away. I needed to get to work.

Bloody hell, Kay.

What?

What?!

CAR HORN BEEPS

What, mate? What?

MUSIC STOPS

What is wrong? What is so important that you have to...?

Get out my way! No, no, no.

Come on, come on, come on, come on! Hammer, hammer, hammer.

Hammer! Agh!

What's going on?

Hammer, hammer, hammer. Come on!

It's all right. He's going, he's going. Make up your mind.

HORN BLARES, TYRES SQUEAL Wanker!

What is wrong with you, Dad? Seriously? I'm tired.

I'm tired. I'm tired. Will you just shut up?

I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired... Shut up! ..I'm tired, I'm tired.

Shut up! I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired...

Argh!

BICYCLE BELL RINGS All right, Joy?

BANGING ON GLASS

This is my house.

It's mine.

So, are you going to change the name? Don't know.

A bit of a memorial to him, I suppose.

Bit shit, though... as a memorial.

Do you know what she's told her employment support worker?

SHE COUGHS

She's looking for opportunities in international development.

This is bullshit!

Any word from her mum?

First year she hasn't sent Kay a birthday card.

Aw.

She's old enough to deal with that.

KAYLA COUGHS

Punishing me.

Who, Kayla?

Her mum.

Anyway, just as long as she doesn't poison anyone.

Her mum?

Kayla!

It's handy for me, though.

At least while we get handsome here sorted out.

Eh, Kier, get you sorted out?

All right, Kieran?

Cool!

Where is it today, then?

Acapulco. Oh, nice!

KAYLA GASPS

Donkey sanctuary.

KAYLA GASPS AND COUGHS

Good luck, then, Kayla!

Don't burn them sausages!

Right!

Oi-oi!

You get everything sorted last night? Dunkirk?

Eh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Enjoy Monkey World, Dave.

..Some try to tell me

Thoughts they cannot defend

Just what you want to...

..Yes, I love you

Oh, how I love you

Oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh...

Ah!

What have you done?

Shave, shower, shit.

There isn't a shower.

I wipe everywhere.

I don't want to know.

Sink, everything.

Look, that is not the point, Lech.

Point is, this is a coach, it's not a house. It's my coach.

I may not own it, but I'm responsible for it.

I drive it, I take care of it, and if I damage it,

I have to pay for the damage.

YOU service it.

You don't sleep in it and...

And you don't shower in it.

Yes!

Ah!

Donkey.

Yeah, donkey sanctuary, yes.

Yes. In Poland, they call me Donkey.

Really? Why?

Because...

No, no, no. Don't tell me.

There is no sanctuary for me.

You're living in my coach!

Thank you!

Come on.

Come on!

Get in!

HE GRUNTS

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS

Unbelievable.

COACH HORN BLARES

AIR WHOOSHES

You fucking wait there!

AIR WHOOSHES

DOORBELL RINGS

Identify yourself!

Good morning, Mrs Green. My name is Alison Scott.

You've been referred by your GP, remember?

Can you come back tomorrow?

But we have an appointment!

I'll need to see your papers.

Looks like you've been busy, Mrs Green.

With all this insulation,

I thought I'd get on with the job myself.

Well, it'll certainly keep you dry, Mrs Green.

Morning, ladies and gents.

I'm just going to tick your names off and then we'll be on our way.

Now, Driver... Yes, madam? I telephoned your head office.

There's only one office. We thought you'd forgotten about us.

I'm very sorry for the... uh... slight delay.

Chop-chop, everybody!

Morning.

Sorry.

Right, you've swapped with me now, haven't you?

Oh, look.

Astrid, come here, darling.

Sit down.

Oh, uh, rear seat's reserved today, young fella.

Dad!

Kid always likes the back-seat, you see. Not on this occasion.

PASSENGERS CHATTER

Plenty of other seats.

Plenty of room for everyone.

OVER SPEAKER: Righto, folks, um...

Please all remember that you are Bassetts' greatest assets

and let's all buckle up, shall we?

Buckle up.

Oh...

PASSENGERS CHATTER

Oh, the stench of this!

They don't put the brain back in the head. They bag it up?

Just stuff it back in the cavity. They're teaching you loads!

There's two teas, milk's just down there.

So, that guy on the beach...? Which one?

The one in Bognor.

There'll be bits of him all over the place by now.

What are you talking about?

Well, his teeth will be in Chichester, for the dental records.

His hands'll be in Worthing, maybe.

His balls'll be in Barnham.

Nothing special about the balls, Kay.

Nothing special about Barnham, Brad.

THEY GIGGLE

This is grim!

Yeah, I'll take my dead bodies over this any day!

These are dead bodies.

PASSENGERS CHATTER

Do you know, a lot of people don't realise

what a religious animal the donkey is.

Well, I, uh...

If you think of Christ, you think of a dove

or a lamb, don't you?

In group, we thought we should honour the humble donkey

for the service it gave our Lord on Palm Sunday,

so we've adopted one.

So, um, what's it called, this donkey of yours?

Big Jock.

Can it be that there's some sort of error?

Hard to stop the surmounting terror

Is it really the end of some crazy dream?

Oh, this is disgusting!

..Tell me that I'm dreaming

It's not so easy to stop from screaming

The words escape me when I try to speak...

Little donkey OTHERS: Little donkey

Little donkey Little donkey

On a dusty road...

Come on, Bobby, give it some!

..Got to keep on plodding onwards

ALL: With your precious load

Little donkey, little don...

DONKEYS BRAY

COCK CROWS

..Keep on plodding onwards

With your precious load...

Just two hours here, folks.

Chance for you to spend some time with Big Jock

and grab a bite to eat.

And don't forget, wash your hands after

you've had a feel... um, a touch.

Touched one.

T-T-Touched a donkey.

Oh...

Excuse me?

Is there a problem?

Does she come with us?

No. She's, um...

She's just, um...

Um...

She's not with you, then?

Yes.

I-I-I mean, in a way. She's staying in here?

Yeah, she'll be fine. She could do with a breath of air.

I'm popping out to get her something to eat.

Why don't we give her some peace and quiet? Is she your girlfriend?

You don't ask questions like that. Exactly.

Oh, she is? What? Your girlfriend?

No, no. I-I'm just the driver.

Come on, out we go.

Out we go.

If you like.

HE CHUCKLES

You... stay.

We...

You know.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hello. Is that Barry Green?

No, it's his brother. Peter.

Is Barry around?

He's in Australia.

Well, when will he be back?

He lives there. Who is this?

Oh, this is Alison Scott. I'm a community health nurse.

Your mum said to contact Barry and gave me this number.

What's this about? It's about your mother, Mr Green.

I'm concerned she's not fending for herself too well at the moment.

The thing is, I'm here with the donkeys.

OVER TANNOY: Why not become a donkey adopter?

Who can fail to fall for our four-legged friends?

Each one of the cute creatures you see today...

Big Jock? Big Jock, where are you?

..Each one of the cute creatures you see today comes to us

with their own story of neglect.

Abandoned, malnourished and abused,

we work hard to bring back the shine

back to their coats and a twinkle to their eyes.

By adopting a donkey, you guarantee they will never

have to go without again.

Also get a free apple when you spend over 163;3.

Ee-aw!

You're lovely boys, aren't you? Aren't you?

Hello?

Bonjour?

Wakey-wakey!

Oh, hello, Morris.

Yeah, I'm at the Island Farm Donkey Sanctuary.

Yeah.

I...

Uh...

Eh.

Eh...

SHE GASPS

Ploughman's! Ploughman's!

Ploughman's.

Sandwich.

Thank you.

You OK?

Bit of a headache.

There he is!

Fuck off!

What, are you going to come here with the money?

Yeah? Fuck that, man.

Nah!

She's not fucking hard to miss, is she? I'm not a dick!

Got a burger, love?

Grill's off, I'm afraid. What did you say?

Are you talking to me? What?

What? Shut up a minute.

She'll be miles away by now, eh?

Burger.

We're closed.

Well, who is the other driver?

Postman Pat.

Just a butty, or something.

It's closed!

Well, call Mr Martin, mate.

I don't have Mr Martin's number.

Are you being funny?

Are you being rude?

Hold on, mate. I'm dealing with a mongol here, Ade.

What did you just say?

Give us one of them flapjacks.

BANGING ON SHUTTER Oi!

Give me one of them flapjacks!

Give us a Wagon Wheel! Oi!

I wasn't fucking hungry anyway!

Fuck you!

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Dad!

Yeah. Kay? Fran said she'd pick me up at three.

I've got the takings and everything.

What do you want me to do about it? I'm at work.

Can you come and pick me up?

Kayla, I'm in Oxfordshire!

I can't just come and get you.

You're 20 years old, for goodness' sake.

What a stimulating visit! Sorry, could you just give me a minute?

They're such endearing creatures, aren't they? Dad?

Kayla, there's something up with my Bluetooth.

I don't know how anyone could be so mean to them.

I'm sorry, could I just have a sec?

Kay, phone Fran.

I have done.

The thing is, you're on loudspeaker and I've got the Baptists.

I'll walk.

It's a long way to come, but worth every minute.

No, don't walk, Kay.

Kay?

Oi!

Is your girlfriend up yet?

What?

Oh, yeah, he's kept her under lock and key!

Kay?

HORN BLARES

Big Jock was very excited to see us.

What? Turns out he's not so big after all.

DONKEY BRAYS

HORN BLARES

Piss off!

Hello, everyone! This is Lyn on the microphone.

Well, it's actually not for... Can you hear me in the middle?

PASSENGERS: Yes!

Can you hear me at the back? PASSENGERS: Yes!

We're focusing on Christian Aid next month.

Enough donkeys for now.

We are still collecting for the food bank in Argyle Road

and there's a box at the back of the church

for anything you can spare.

Enough of that!

Oh, I nearly forgot!

Bobby...

Where are you, Bobby?

Hello!

Bobby is giving a talk on beekeeping

at the Regis School of Dance

on the 12th.

There'll be a collection with Bobby in the lobby

for the Bumblebee Conservation Trust, Bognor branch.

Kay?

Hello, Joy.

THEY CHAT IN THEIR OWN LANGUAGE

Looney-tunes.

SHE SIGHS

Right.

No idea where she is.

Fabulous!

Race you. Ooh!

Oh, my God!

HE SPLUTTERS

Are you sick?

Thank you!

Say, "Thank you, Driver."

Donkey says, "Thank you, Driver."

Don't be childish!

Thank you very much, then.

In future, just allow a little more time.

I'll let head office know.

Listen, this isn't my vehicle.

It's not mine.

I didn't know you were in the coach in Calais.

Calais, yes.

Hmm. You... you could get me in trouble.

So you have to get off now, huh?

I have to take the coach back to the yard or else they'll,

you know, they'll prosecute me.

So... You understand?

If you need help, you should go to the police.

Go to the police.

No police, no.

Well, I-I-I can't help you any more.

Huh? I wish I could.

You understand?

Yep.

You'll be OK, huh?

OK?

Wait!

Wait!

Here.

Bollocks.

HE SIGHS

Bollocks.

Oh, bollocks.

Bollocks.

ENGINE RATTLES

ENGINE RATTLES

Bollocks.

Bollocks time.

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