Original subtitles

The thing is, Barry, it's high season here,

and I'm at full stretch.

And, um, Kayla's in a bit of a dark place.

Mum... Mum, well, she's just not herself.

And the thing is, Barry, the thing is,

she, she's not going to get any better.

Bollocks.

I'm on my own now, mate.

Barry? Did you hear any of that? Something about your bollocks?

No, no, Mum can't look after herself.

Ah, it's bloody awful, Pee-wee. Dad? Tell him about the thing.

What? We were watching the Bognor webcam this morning,

Uncle Pete, and we saw something by the pier. What did you think it was, Dad?

Oh, yeah, yeah, a porpoise.

Yeah, a porpoise.

Yeah, it wasn't there yesterday. Take a look.

Ah, tell you what, we'll watch you on the webcam.

Do a bomb, Dad! Hang on, Barry.

Barry! Here I come!

We haven't sorted out what we're going to do about...

Barry?!

Cammy, you get over there, you have a go!

Kay? Where's that Spanish omelette?

What?

From last night. I'm asleep.

Did you eat that Spanish omelette?

Might have. Do you even know?

SHE BURPS

Yeah, I did eat that Spanish omelette.

It's not funny.

You didn't even know.

There no food in the house.

Can we talk about this in the morning?

Dad! That was my lunch.

And don't forget I'm back late, so you have to see your nan today.

She doesn't know who I am.

Yes, she does.

DOOR SHUTS

ENGINE STALLS

Give us a wave, mate. I'm here.

Can you see us?

Look up, over here.

Give us a wave, go on.

What is it, bro? A porpoise?

Look, mate, this is five bucks a minute, bro.

Can't tell.

Dad, tell him to go and have a look.

Well, go and take a look then, mate.

Mate? Mate?!

Pee-wee?

Why's he running away, Dad?

What you doing?

Mate?

MUSIC: The Winner Takes It All by ABBA

Spirit FM.

DJ: It's 6:25 AM.

MUSIC: Money for Nothing by Dire Straits

SILENCE

SONG CONTINUES

Last orders at the bar, please, last orders at the bar. Aww.

Come on, going to lose our jobs if this carries on, matey boy. Out!

Peter, my friend.

Yeah, your colleague.

Yes.

You, me, top secret.

The office aren't stupid, Lech, they know something's going on.

You're a very kind man, Peter.

I'm not a kind man.

Yes, you are a kind man.

No, no!

LECH LAUGHS

Put me down. Put me down!

Look, you're in West Sussex, mate, you're not in Danzig now.

Dzieki. You're welcome.

Out, come on! OK, OK.

Auf wiedersehen.

HE HUMS

Sauce? What?

Your sausage.

Oh, uh, no.

Yes, sorry, Fran.

Something on your mind, Pete?

Is it your mum?

Mm, yeah, and Kayla, of course.

Kids and mums, eh?

Mums and kids.

Oh, um, me and Kieran, we're going to that quiz night

tonight, do you want to tag along?

CAR HORN BEEPS

RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

Where have you been?

Aye, aye.

Aye, aye. Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

All right, Squeaky?

You coming with us, Fran? If only.

I'm sure Pete could squeeze you in, eh?

CAR HORN BEEPS

So long, sweet cheeks.

Pete? Your sausage!

SHE SIGHS

Looking forward to it? Yeah.Yeah Morning.Yeah? Come on.

Morning.

Morning, morning.

Lovely day for it.

Hello, Peter.

Morning. How's your poor mum?

Not so good, thanks, Maureen.

Oh, I heard she weren't tiptop.

That's your jacket there, is it?

There's plenty of seats further back, Maureen.

Oh, all right, then.

Come on.

Bloody early, innit, girls?

We should be in bed, shouldn't we, Doris?

Yes!

Heh-heh-heh!

As we say here, you are Bassett's greatest assets,

so buckle up, please, folks, it's the law.

JUDGE DREDD VOICE: I AM the law! Dave.

I've lived for nearly 80 years and I've been perfectly all right

without a buckle. Yeah.

Two drivers today, ladies and gents,

you lucky, lucky things.

So it's Dunkirk to do our duty to the dearly departed

and then for those keen to join 'em,

we're off to get you all booze and fags.

CHEERING

CHANTING: Booze and fags, booze and fags, booze and fags...

If the French had been a bit more bloody organised

in the Ardennes and held the Krauts at Lille for one more day,

then, of course, we could have got to Berlin

before the bloody Russians.

But they hadn't said anything about the bloody Resistance,

what are you talking about?

If... Listen to me.

If...

We're going back into Europe, ladies and gents.

THEY BOO

Uh, sorry, sorry about that, ladies and gents,

I apologise for my colleague.

Some serious stuff, we will keep our watches

on English time today.

So remember, the itinerary is all on BST.

Uh, I trust you have all remembered your passports.

Otherwise you'll be spending a day at Ashford Retail Park.

THEY BOO

CAT MIAOWS AND DOG BARKS

I've got coffins to polish.

Sure.

Someone needs to put a rocket up your arse.

And go see your nan!

Love you, too.

BELL TINKLES

SHE SIGHS

HE WHISTLES

Have a good day, Bradley.

You, too, sweetheart.

Fuck's sake.

See all them police?

Eh? On Bognor Beach?

Really?

They've closed the bloody road now.

Why do you wear that stupid thing?

In case I get a call, Pete. hands-free.

Hai Karate!

I only take it off when I'm on the...

CREAKING Ah!

MUSIC: Ace of Spades by Motorhead

Frere Jacques, dormez-vous?

Oi!

Dormez-vous?

Sonnez les matines Sonnez les matines

Ding, dang, dong

Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques

Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous...?

Come on, Pete.

Sloppy semolina, sloppy semolina Ding, dang, dong. Oi!

You need to get off, Maureen.

Oh, not feeling too clever, Peter.

Thing is, officially, I can't start my break

if you're still on board.

Oh, just a bit of fresh air, then.

Here we go.

You've got a brother, haven't you, Peter?

I'm a twin.

I lost my brother here.

Oh, right.

15 years older than me, he was.

Drowned on these beaches, or shot,

or left to rot or something.

No-one picked him up, see?

Mm.

There's no name on the grave.

It's unknown.

It makes me so sad.

DOOR OPENS

I'd leave that a couple of minutes if I were you.

It stinks.

Pah!

HE HUMS

MUSIC: Ace of Spades by Motorhead

Nan?

Nan? It's me.

MUSIC STOPS

DRIPPING

Nan?

There you go, there you go, love.

Oh, heavens...

You sit down, that's it.

Oh!

SHE SIGHS

They never picked him up, see?

Right, I'm just going to get my lunch.

Oh, imagine your own brother, eaten by fishes.

HE PLAYS THE LAST POST FALTERINGLY

All our boys.

And for what?

If Churchill was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave.

Only it's not the Jews now, is it?

It's the other lot. HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

CLAPPING

RADIO: ..found by a dog walker in the early hours of this morning,

and police are currently attempting to establish his identity.

Locals are advised to avoid the west side of the pier.

Traffic on Marine Parade has been diverted and entry roads

closed until further notice.

Now, we go live to the scene...

Kay? Kay?

Over here. OK.

COACH HORN BLARES

Oi, oi!

WHEELCHAIR BEEPS

Maureen? Move.

Maureen?

CHANTING: Booze and fags, booze and fags, booze and fags.

Don't go crazy now, folks,

remember it's for your own consumption, your own consumption.

I'm your neighbour, aren't I, Joy?

I don't think you are.

DOOR CLOSES

Sorry about this.

Hello, darling.

All right, Joy? Kayla?

All right, Parish?

Parish, homework...

SHE SPEAKS HINDI

I'll phone my dad.

I was going to cook her something to eat,

do you want some?

Uh, thing is, I'm supposed to be somewhere.

Well, you can, you can leave her with me if you need to.

Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.

Uh, just don't give her nothing spicy.

I was going to poach her an egg.

Parish?

PARESH PLAYS TROMBONE

SHE SPEAKS HINDI

TROMBONE CONTINUES

Parish!

There was a body.

What? On the beach, mate.

Bognor, a dead body.

Really?

Season started late.

Eh?

Remember last year? All over the place.

Where did you get all that stuff?

Never you mind.

You're going to get nicked one of these days. Yeah.

We've got a bit of a situation.

Maureen?

Maureen?

WHISPERS: You shouldn't have worn her out at lunch, Pete.

Anyone got any sugar?

Pete?

Get that down you, go on.

Eat it. Get it down you, girl.

That's it, get the tongue out. Thumb it in. Dave. Thumb that in.

That's it love, that's it. Get the sugar out, suck it.

Come on.

Look at that, eh?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Result. Result. Result.

There you are, Maureen.

In you go. In you go.

That's it. That's it.

This is sugar, love.

Shot or stabbed?

Shot.

Freeze or burn?

Burn.

Wrong. It's a personal choice, Bradley.

Are you arguing with a professional?

Sorry.

Drown or crucifixion?

Mate, that is not a fair comparison.So?

You can't accidentally crucify yourself.

They might not have accidentally drowned.

So...

CAR HORN BEEPS

Mademoiselles and Messieurs,

can you please buckle up?

Buckle up.

Let's get you home in one piece.

Bugger off, mate.

Bloody chancers.

Did you hear what they found on the beach today?

No, dear.

Somebody died.

Where are you from again?

I'm just from next door.

This is my house.

It's mine.

How's it all going then?

Oh, I've been looking after my nan all day.

SHE LAUGHS

You know, um...

The thing is, I've been juggling things a lot lately.

No.

Well, I have, and I have been managing on my own up till now.

But the thing is, it's starting to get a big difficult.

So I was just wondering whether you fancied doing a couple of...?

Is this a job interview?

Just for a couple of days a week.

How early? Early.

The thing is, Fran...

I'm a vegetarian.

You don't have to eat the bloody stuff.

THEY LAUGH

Stop it. Sorry.

Right. See later, then.

See you around.

Let's go.

You're such a dickhead.

In your face, Kieran.

Dave...

It's working, mate, it's working.

What is?

The body goes black in the water, Kay.

There was one at work with blonde hair, right?

Skin is a greenish black.

No!

I don't know why you want to do that job. It's the future, Kay.

What is?

Death. My dick's the future.

Are you going to work for Fran? I'd rather drown.

I'm going to get out of here. Yeah?

I'm going to talk to my mum.

Yeah?

Go back to Birmingham, get a proper job.

There's nothing here, is there?

Well, there's always...

BOTH: Butlin's.

THEY LAUGH

Let me give you a hand, babe.

Oh, thank you for your help, David.

Pleasure to serve, babe.

Give my love to your mum, Peter.

I'm going to hop too, Pete, I'll see you later, yeah?

What? Dave? Dave, no!

It's your turn to clean the coach!

Dave!

RADIO: The identity of the body found beside Bognor Pier

this morning is still to be established.

Initial reports suggest the person died at sea

and had been floating for several days before washing up.

I can boogie But I need a certain song...

I can boogie

Boogie, boogie

All night long...

Huh! I don't believe this, Lech!

You really are taking the piss! What do you want?

I have Kielbasa vodka.

Cheese?

I'll be putting her to bed.

No speak English.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Question number six.

Which football team played at Elm Road?

Want some of these?

Thanks, mate. Wicked.

Want some of these, mate? Fiver.

Come on, thanks, mate. Anybody else?

This was a few years ago, which football team...?

Want to buy some baccy, mate? Fiver?

Fran? No, mate. Kieran? No?

BUMPING

BUMPING

Oh.

Are you all right, lass?

Hey! Are you all right?

Come on, I've got you now.

Yeah?

Come on.

One, two, three, here we go! See?

Oh, I'll see you out, eh?

None of your fucking business.

Come on. Let's go. Shhh.

MOBILE RINGS

Fran?

Hello, is that Peter Green? You're my "phone a friend", babes.

Where are you?

Are you all right, Pete?

Pete, are you OK?

Pete! Pete!

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

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