Original subtitles

MUSIC: The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss II

Alison, have you learnt the fucking flute?

I... SHE SIGHS

A little bit. Grade 4.

Well done! I'm sure that'll come in really useful.

Just a fucking fluter now, aren't you?

Well, I'm a fucking flautist.

Whatever, Alison.

I'm actually doing a recital tomorrow night,

if you wanted to come.

It's in Oxford, but we could stay at my parents'.

We're about to finally make it into the Citadel.

We're going to slay the hive mother.

We are this close to averting a genocide.

Cor! No? Averting a genocide?

Bloody...

..well done, you!

Also...

..I think I've finally figured everything out with Russell. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, because last night I was in one of my wine fugs... You know my fugs? Sure. I know your fugs.

..and I was like,

Mm.

"I hate Russell and I love Nicky."

And then I thought, "I don't love Nicky!

"He is my nemesis, but I need him like Tanadaal needs the Chaplain." Mm.

So then I thought, "Russell for sex, Nicky for everything else."

And then I came up with a way to remember it - "Russell in the bed, Nicky in the head."

That's great, Meg.

So great you came up with a way to remember it.

I'm actually feeling really positive about my choices for once.

And I know...

..we've had our...

But, like, I don't not

think of you as...

..a friend kind-of-thing.

Thanks, Meg.

That means a lot.

UPBEAT MUSIC

What was that?

What was what? It was like a squeeze. You did, like, a condolence squeeze.

Meg, it's just a hug. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Sorry. No. SHE LAUGHS

Anyway, I should probably crack on. I need to learn the Blue Danube.

Yeah. Me, too, actually.

I need to break the ramparts of the Citadel, find our way to the Spawn Chamber.

Good luck with your thing,

you big fucking fluter!

Whatever, Alison!

Ugh!

God. Here it is, the Citadel,

a once bustling metropolis,

brought to its knees by one woman's tyranny.

You could write an epic poem about the fall of the Citadel.

"On yonder lonely heath,

"a city snagged on the Devil's -"

No, Meg! Stop that right now!

Forget it, then! I just wanted to mark the occasion

because we are about to liberate the Ninth Kingdom!

Yeah, great. So Destiny 2 just arrived.

Nicky! Can we at least finish one game before we start the next?

You don't buy a puppy before the dog's dead.

That is exactly what you do.

Well, I've been thinking, actually, and I might try Rocket League instead.

"Oh. Right."

So we're gonna be playing separate games, then? I see.

What's next, separate jam, separate houses, separate everythings?

You've been using my fucking jam?!

"It's 6am.

"I should absolutely not be having another beer."

HE OPENS BOTTLE "Oh, butter fingers!"

"You're not flying today, are you?"

"I got back from a three-day stayover to Utah. I rushed straight back to the family.

"I'm kidding! I checked into a motel for a couple of days."

You need 48 hours to decompress. Also, the pressure's off now Wade's stepped into the breach.

It's like having a second wife. He's virtually living with us.

He's like, "Hey, can I borrow a pair of your pants?"

and I'm sat in the comfort of my motel suite, like,

"Dude, you wanna wear my pants and put my kids to bed, your funeral."

Anyway, I was going to suggest we get together and do something for the final mission.

You know, because we made the pact.

The sacred napkin.

Wherever that is.

"Alison's going away. We've got the place to ourselves."

I mean, if it wasn't so totally and heartbreakingly fucking lame,

we could cosplay it.

God, yeah! We'd totally do that if we were two absolute jack-off geeko stereotypes!

Or we could just - Let's just do it, anyway.

I've been working on a couple of outfits. I thought we could invite Russell.

It says he's online but I don't know where.

Oh, no idea. Haven't seen him.

I think I'm trapped in the Dark Circle! Can you hear me?

CREATURES ROAR

OK, you two, have a good say.

Don't fuck each other or do anything weird.

We won't!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Fucking... Fucking, come on!

Hath you sealed the bubble?

The bubble hath been sealed.

Hello,

Greta Longstocking.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance at long last, Morwick the Unwavering.

Nice pauldrons. What are they - You're breaking my vibe!

Can we not deconstruct the outfits, please?

So I made provisions for full lockdown!

Er, flapjacks - 1kg,

beef jerky - 1kg,

trail mix - 1kg, Swizzels, 1 half-kg,

Fruit-tella, popcorn,

potential wildcard - grapes.

It's smart. Everything's edible with one hand.

Also, they were selling off bottles of Weetabix drink for 5p in Food Cutter

because they're a year out of date, so I bought 80 of them.

Oh, my God! What else have you got Oh, nothing much.

Bog roll, batteries, first aid kit, a torch, pork crunch, Tunnock's teacakes,

length of rope, pen knife, tinned peaches, pears, pineapples.

Basically, we can remain in the bubble, in situ, the two of us,

for probably around 20 months without having to see another living soul.

You know, if required...

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's me - Russell!

What the fuck is he doing here? Nicky, he's part of the Guild.

He's not part of the Guild, Meg! He's a clown!

We're NASA, he's the chimp that gets fired into space!

You don't invite the space chimp to the big summer party!

Guys, I don't know if you know, I can hear you.

Well, he's not coming in! Well, he is coming in!

Because you have feelings and I have feelings! Do you know who else has feelings?

The spinster downstairs.

Right now, she's feeling very lonely!

She needs a carer! She needs full-time care!

Speaking of which... Don't let him in!

Hey, guys! Thanks so much for inviting me over!

Nicky? Hey, friend!

So good to actually meet you at long last!

Dude, it is so good to finally put a face to a name!

You look weirder than I expected.

You look a bit like the inside of a Dalek.

Oh, OK, yeah. I think I've heard that before.

SHE SIGHS

Ooh!

No-one leaves until we kill the hive mother.

I better go get my costume on.

So, this is it, then? You're finally gonna have sex with him?

Because!

Need I remind you, Greta, darling, we're still legally married?

Well, so are me and him! We're all married, Nicky, the three of us!

God, that is so fucking French!

That's me! That's Greta!

You can't cage this!

You knew that when you married me, so it's a little bit late to be getting all bleurgh!

Well, Greta, dearest, it might behove you to keep your knickers on for a change!

Behove! Listen to Lord Morwick!

I am a lord, actually! I'm the Lord of Grey Vale,

which technically makes you a lady. Not that you fucking act like one!

I never should've married you! What was I thinking? I don't need a man!

I am a strong, independent hunchback!

Look, Meg,

this was supposed to be the two of us.

Yeah, well, now it's the three of us.

Correction, four,

because Granny just woke up and it's time for her porridge.

This is as good as it's going to get.

SHE SIGHS You're wearing a child's bikini.

Oh, I wondered why it was so cheap.

Probably because there's no VAT on kid's clothes. Bonus!

Cheers, guys!

Here's to us.

HE BURPS

(He's such a bellend.)

There's a screw in my trail mix!

Weird. I wonder how that got in there, mate.

Good job you didn't swallow it.

You could've died.

EERIE TRUMPET Why have you got a hammer?

I'm just doing a bit of DIY.

#FuckRussell?

It's a joke, Russell. Irony.

Do you understand irony, Russell?

I thought I did. MEG SIGHS

Nicky, can I have a word, please? Yeah, sure.

How can I help?

Are you trying to kill Russell? I'm just trying to put the shitters up him.

Who knows how these things get into our food? A hair in the salad, an eyelash in the soup.

A shard of glass in a piece of flapjack... Do not eat the flapjack, Russell!

Fine! Do you want the truth?

I saw the two of you together in the House of the Moon.

What are you talking about? I took a screenshot.

OK, that's not me.

It is, you, Meg. You can see No, that's Greta.

It is not the same thing, Nicky, at all!

It's like, Daniel Craig is not James Bond!

I mean, can you imagine if Daniel Craig the person was legally licensed to kill?

He'd be an absolute menace!

If I take him in my bedroom later, that won't be me!

Meg, you can't fuck someone in character!

I'm not fucking anyone, Nicky!

Greta is!

Well, I don't think I like Greta Longstocking any more.

I want Meg back.

Meg's logged off.

It's Greta's time now.

God, there's some wire in my beef jerky!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

My God, look at what she did to this place!

'Twas a city on the highest hill -

Fine, then, Nicky!

Who's this? Chat invite?

"Usman. Can you hear me?"

Oh! Hey, honey.

Guys, my wife. My wife, the guys.

What the hell are you doing on here?

I don't seem to be having much luck getting through to you any other way, I thought I'd try this.

Where are you, Usman?

Oh, I'm...

Um...

I'm, um, actually just circling somewhere over Denver.

HE HUMS

Cross check. Doors to manual. HE HUMS

SAD MUSIC Usman, we need to talk.

About you and me, about our relationship.

About you neglecting your family so you can play -

OK, I'm kicking you off the chat now Usm- Good luck, guys. I'm out of here.

Usman?

Usman, mate, you can't run away from your wife forever.

I think you'll find I can, mate.

I've got 19 stamina points. I'll hide out in the caves like Bin Laden.

Bear trap! CLANG

Dammit!

OK, I'm getting cramp.

You're serious. You're getting DVT and we're only six hours in?

Someone clots easily.

Back in a sec.

Drink that.

Neat gin. You need to drink it and, when I tell you,

you need to go into the bathroom, have a shower and wash your hair and brush your teeth,

and when we're doing it, I need for you to shut the fuck up.

Do you think you can handle that for me, Russell?

When we're fucking. When we're in my bed and we're fucking.

Right, and that's happening today, is it?

Yeah. Regrettably so. Today is D Day. D for Disgusting.

OK. No, that's great.

Sure it is, Russell. It's great. I'm made up about it.

No, cos I wanted to tell you, actually...

You know when you've been sex-talking with someone on Messenger

and sometimes when you finish,

you immediately regret it

and all you want to do is wash your hands and say sorry to your mum,

even though you haven't done anything to your mum?

Well, it's kind of the opposite with you.

After we finish...

..I just wanna drink some hot milk and think about you -

Gonna stop you there because you're babbling.

Remain at your terminal and await further instruction.

Oh, OK, Meg.

No!

Greta.

Wait, Usman's back.

"Guys, there's something I need to say."

I've been talking to my wife.

"I'm afraid it's the worst possible news."

I'm deleting my character.

What the fuck?

"She's right." HE SIGHS

I mean, what am I doing putting in 60, 70 hours a week on this game,

hiding away in a motel room while another man takes my kids to their gym recital?

That's weird, actually, Usman, because I've been thinking about maybe doing something else, too.

Like what?

I dunno. Writing.

Writing? Meg, you can't just do writing!

You can't just sit down and start writing!

Have you ever seen anyone do any writing? Because that's exactly what they do.

What kind of writing?

I dunno. Fantasy.

They've already got all the fantasy writers, Meg!

That's why you never see an advert - "Wanted - fantasy writers." They're handed out at birth.

Alison learnt the fucking flute!

Oh, so now anything's possible, is it, Meg?

"Alison learnt the flute! Maybe I'll finally learn how to drive!"

Drive down the motorway! Look at me! Ooh, I'm driving down the motorway!

People do learn to drive. That is definitely a thing that can happen.

What about Rocket League? I thought you were playing that.

I might just game less. I'll just do one hour in the evening.

What is this, a paper round? A hobby?

Is gaming your hobby now, Meg?

What if Alison's right?

What if life is for living?

Oh, that's nice!

Who are you, Megan Jeffries?

SHE SIGHS

How about we slay the hive mother together and then I'm gone?

DRAMATIC MUSIC All right, then.

Let's dance one last time.

SWEEPING MUSIC

CREATURE ROARS

OK, team, let's get some heat on that egg sac!

Nicky! Dude, what you doing?

You're doing it again. Again with the hammers.

Just stand still and die!

Nicky, what are you doing? I'm saving you, Meg!

I don't need saving! I am not Princess Peach and you are not Mario! I am Mario.

You're Luigi and we're supposed to be rescuing the kingdom together.

You think you're Mario but you're Bowser!

Russell's Bowser! Russell is Princess Peach, I'm super-horny Mario!

I'll gett a mushroom to make my clit go massive, then I'll fuck him in the castle!

Sorry, should I go in the shower now or...?

NICKY GRUNTS

Ah, great! Well done, Nicky, you've ruined it!

Russell, we're going to yours. Are we?

Get your stuff. Take that wig off. You're not walking round Northampton in a Rasta wig!

I'm getting changed! I don't want to play any more!

SWEEPING MUSIC

HE ROARS

Well, I guess that's it. HE SIGHS

It's all over.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Cool.

I think I'm OK to go like this.

I sent Russell home.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

I thought we could finish what we started.

Meg and Nicky.

You know, because of the items...

Because, well,

who knows what we might get.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

OK, guys, we need to find the Orb of Uncreation.

Watch my flax!

CREATURES ROAR Hang in there!

Pull them off! I'm almost done!

I've got it! OK.

We need to plant the orb into the egg sac, detonate it.

No way past their limbs. It's a suicide mission!

Wait.

I'll go.

No! Usman, you'll die! We need to finish this together.

Meg, please!

This is what I want.

Goodbye, friends.

No.

Goodbye forever.

It's been real. ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC

Usman, no!

Usman!

Oh, my God. We just saved the Ninth Kingdom.

We averted a genocide, Meg.

And I didn't think I'd feel anything but I'm...

I know, mate. I know.

"Two years of our lives and we finally did it."

OK, wait for the drop.

Ultra-rare item. This is gonna be huge.

If it's the onyx dragon egg, I'll literally piss where I'm sitting.

"Well done, young warriors.

"Step forth to claim your reward."

FANFARE

Gloves.

That's what we get? We get a pair of gloves?

What the actual fuck?

You are fucking kidding me?

That is fucking awesome!

They're blood iron gauntlets!

"I know it's just gloves, Meg, but this has all been worth it!"

No, this was totally, totally worth it.

Yee!

I'm so, so happy with my choices.

So, erm,

I should probably, erm, you know, Rocket League...

Yeah.

I need to, erm,

boot up Destiny 2, anyway, so...

POIGNANT MUSIC THROUGHOUT

GG.

Good game.

You're not gonna believe this. They just announced an expansion pack!