Original subtitles

BLEEP

BLEEP

You're probably wondering why I'm buying so many bananas.

BLEEP

There's a game called Kingdom Scrolls,

and there's a section called the Endless Maze,

and I'm attempting to become the first person ever

to complete it entirely on...

..bananas. Correct. BLEEP

I know. Sure. Lots of questions.

Basically, I attach an earthing cable to myself.

When I touch the fruit, it sends a signal to the keyboard.

Bunches on the left cover directions.

Bunches on the right, attacks, spells and defence.

"Why would you do that?" You might ask yourself, quite rightly.

To that I would say, because someone on a forum I sometimes read

said I probably...couldn't do it. BLEEP

"But, Nicky, why would you book five days' annual leave

"just to prove a point to someone you've never met?"

And to that I would say, because I am spiteful,

lonely...

and pathetic.

And with that...

And with that... Oh.

And with that...

he took his bananas and never did darken her checkout again.

Adieu, milady.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Meg! You're...

not in your room. Well observed, Alison.

Spilled yoghurt drink on my swivel chair.

No, obviously.

Tried drying it with a hairdryer.

Now my whole room smells like hot raspberries.

So this is Simon. He's in the orchestra.

Easy, Simon.

Tell him what you do, Meg, on the computer.

I'm a hunchback. Ah.

She's trying to save the Ninth Kingdom from the Hive Mother.

You probably have an image of it being a bit...

But to her, it's real.

It's like having a life, in a way,

because we've been out,

but YOU'VE been out as well, haven't you, Meg?

And who's to say which one's more real?

Cos we might all end up like Meg one day -

blobs on a futon, attached to a computer.

It's coming.

It will happen.

So any plans for Valentine's Day? Yup.

I'm just gonna sit here and wait

for the yoghurt to dry on my swivel chair.

Meg, we were gonna cook something together.

Don't mind me. I'm not even here. The vessel's empty.

Physically I'm here, but mentally Right.

Could you be mentally somewhere else but also physically somewhere else?

I need this, Meg. I need to quench.

Is that what we're calling it now? Quenching?

I wouldn't know since my nubbin scabbed over and dropped off.

I'll go when my chair's dry.

Let me see if I can fix it with a towel.

So, Valentine's Day. What's the plan, then, Simon? What?

Have dinner, then fuck Sorry?

The question is, though, fucking before dinner or after dinner?

Cos fucking's a bit like cheese.

It can either be a starter or a pudding.

I'm just gonna...erm...

I managed to blot most of it up with a towel.

Safe.

Have a good night, love pets.

Oh.

WIND HOWLS

USMAN: I can't believe you actually did it, Nicky.

The Endless Maze on bananas! Total madman.

What can I say? It was a triumph of human spitefulness.

Because somewhere out there is a person...

and I can't remember his username

cos I lost the link, but he is feeling pretty stupid right now.

Yeah, cos he's the idiot in this story,

not you, the man who was crying

on the landing at 4am stomping on bananas.

Exactly, Meg.

Everything's pointless. We just ascribe our own meaning to things.

Who's to say it's any more or less

pointless than...running the London Marathon for four years?

OK, Nicky. Is this about your brother?

HE SCOFFS AND LAUGHS

No, Meg, this is not about my brother.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my brother.

HE LAUGHS

This is about my dad,

and I cannot wait to see his face when I tell him what I've achieved.

OK, I'm out of here.

My wife's made me a big Valentine's

lunch - steak, cheesecake, the whole nine yards.

Ah, good for you. Don't choke, will you!

RHYTHMIC BONKING Oh, perfect(!) They're doing it!

Alison and Simon are doing it!

That is so passive-aggressive. Is it?

That is passive-aggressive bonking.

Alison is basically rubbing her vagina in my face.

Happy Valentine's Day, Meg.

Valentine's Night and I'm punching a wooly mammoth to death with my

bare hands while Alison just wafts her clit about!

Well, like I always say, it's only depressing if you think about it.

Tell my mother I love her cos I'm about to wank myself to death!

Hey, Russell.

Have you seen this?! There is Kingdom Scrolls pornography!

There are drawings of the characters

but they're all dirty! Like proper muck!

I'm looking at them right now - Yeah, we know.

It's Kingdom Scrolls hentai, and it's old.

There are some talented artists

out there. These dicks are almost photo-real.

I can't stop jerking off,

though there's basically nothing left down there.

You know an inhaler, when you squirt it

in the air? My dick does that now every time I climax.

No sperm, not any more, not for days.

Just...pfff.

It just goes pfff, and it makes a kind of thin mist.

My banjo string is round my ankles.

My foreskin looks like a battered piece of calamari!

Sorry. Russell, Yeah.

Plus it's Valentine's Day, so it

only feels right to be jerking off over drawings of sexy fairies.

RHYTHMIC BONKING QUICKENS

So, listen, Russell.

I never did give you those combat lessons.

Maybe we could head out OK, sure.

I'm back. What did I miss?

Usman? I thought you were having lunch.

Yeah, I had it. I just wolfed it.

It's got to be a record. I don't

think anyone's ever eaten steak that quickly.

Man, that is sitting heavy.

This is taking way too long.

I've got to go. I've got dinner at my parents'.

MAMMOTH ROARS

ALL: Hurray! We killed it!

So, how are those radiators? I don't suppose you bled them?

It's really not that difficult. It is for me, Dad.

Last time I tried bleeding the radiators,

I spewed molten hot fluids all over my hands and torso.

And I actually cried. I know you did, Son.

Ah. Right.

Obviously.

Your brother's back in training. Doing the Boston Marathon next.

He's already raised about 4,000 in sponsorship.

Well, I completed a game on bananas, Dad.

Don't know what that means, Son.

You don't need to know what it means.

I am the first person in the world to do this.

Mark Chapman was the first person

in the world to shoot John Lennon, so...

Fine. Forget it, Dad. Doesn't matter.

What I mean is - why don't you show me how it works?

You know, the game.

Oh, sure.

Be nice for us to do something together.

When you get home tonight, Yeah?

Cos I know you're not really into football.

Or rugby.

Anyway, love...

Golf. Boxing. Tennis.

Archery. Hockey.

Is this where we do our combat lessons?

Kind of, yeah.

Uh... What is this?

This, young Paduwan, is the future of fucking.

It's early days. We're still waiting on the tech to catch up.

But give it five years, seriously,

the next generation of smart vibrators will change the world.

Then you sync that up to some 4K VR porn with a pair of haptic gloves

and you get your Bluetooth love egg involved, and, well...

no-one will ever have to touch anyone ever again.

That's...

I know it is, and that's within my lifetime.

I've never seen anything like this before.

Is that a cat wanking off a robot? This is an outlaw server.

It's hosted outside of international waters.

Apparently it's run from an oil rig off the coast of Zimbabwe.

And who's this guy? Oh. That's Mitchell.

He does that.

In fact, IRL he's a professor

of macroeconomics at Liverpool University.

You wouldn't think it, would you, the way he's doing that?

Hello, Professor. AVATAR JABBERS

Anyway, Meg, in regards to these combat lessons...

Look, I'm not gonna butter this up for you

but for various reasons, some of

which are relatively questionable,

I'm basically bursting at the seams tonight.

My downstairs is like a burrito with too much filling in it.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Russell?

Sorry, I'm finding it quite hard to concentrate with this guy er...

SMACK

Great. Let's fuck.

So this is my castle.

14 bedrooms, plus a dungeon.

Has the capacity to house 20 adult slaves.

Do you want one?

Have a slave.

SLAVE GROWLS

What do I do with it? We could just kill it.

That'd be a nice father-and-son thing to do, wouldn't it?

See? That was fun, wasn't it?

Hurray! We killed a slave.

Well... You could, but I would beat you.

DAD SCOFFS How could you beat me?

I'm a muscly wizard. You're a child in a cape.

It's a cloak, Dad. And I'm not a child.

I've just got very narrow shoulders.

Fight me. Come on, do it.

This is penalty shootout all over again.

Dad, I told you! I can't

do penalties because the net in the goal makes my eyes strobe.

Come on, Nicky. Fight me.

Be a man for a change.

OK. Do you know what, Dad?

I am gonna bleed you like a radiator.

THUNDEROUS NOISE

ROBOT VOICE: Battlestone activated.

Right. What are the buttons?

Fuck the buttons! Time to die, Dad!

Ha!

What in the hell...?

Alison.

I killed my dad, Alison.

I killed him.

And do you know something?

It felt amazing.

So this is Simon.

I killed my dad, Simon. Mm-hm.

You ARE talking about the game?

It's like something from a fairy tale.

I killed...my father.

I like saying it like that. "Father" instead of "dad".

I killed my father. How many people can say they've done that?

Everyone WANTS to do it, obviously.

Do they?

Cos my dad's 60 and he's lovely.

I don't want to tempt fate, Alison,

but I think I might have just fixed all my dysfunctions in one go.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think I might be normal now.

Right, OK, Nicky. Let's not rush No, I know. Sure.

It's not like I'm normal like... I dunno...Simon.

I'm not Simon normal.

But more normal than before.

And more confident.

Like I could just... get a new

haircut without even phoning round all the hairdressers

to see which one sounded the least intimidating.

In fact, I might just cut it myself right now,

give myself a normal haircut, like Simon.

Maybe don't. Maybe...

sleep on it.

Hey, Simon.

Nice coat, Simon.

How would you like to one day

get a pint of drink in a pub with me, Simon?

Yeah.

Hey! Russell.

So that was... pretty wild last night.

What was?

You know, the...the humping.

In the game. (Squoiking the dirty words.)

Er...it's not ringing any immediate bells.

Yeah, no, OK, sure, yeah.

See you later.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Fuck me.

What's that? Fuck me on the heath.

Bend me over a rune stone and ram me like a portcullis.

So sorry. Will you excuse me one second?

Hey, Meg. Russell. How can I help?

We were just talking on the thingy. You and me.

You were talking about the rune stones just now.

Portcullis?

OK, this is actually quite simple. I want to bang you in the abstract.

I want to bang the idea of you. Yeah.

No, not really. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Conceptually, I want to bang you.

Like, if I close my eyes right now... SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

OK, yeah. I quite want to bang Russell.

And then when I open them... OK, yeah, no, definitely don't.

No, totally, I get it. Yeah.

When you can't see me, thumbs up.

When you can see me...

It really is as simple as that, dude.

Great. So, I'll see you back out there. Back on the field of battle.

Not if I see you first. THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

Smash me, Russell. Smash me like a stack of poppadoms.

What?

Usman! Are you still on?

What time is it there?

It's like one in the morning. It's like four in the morning.

I've got to tell you about my evening.

I came back from the store, and this guy Wade, from my wife's work,

he's mowing my lawn!

He ended up cooking dinner for the whole family.

Then he put the girls to bed and read them a story.

I can hear them upstairs together - Wade, my wife, the girls -

and they're all just laughing.

Meanwhile, I'm downstairs crafting eternity crystals.

It doesn't get much better than that. Mind-blowing.

Son, it's your dad. I want a rematch.

HE SIGHS Sorry, Usman. Excuse me one second.

I just need to go murder my father. Again.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CLANKING AND CRUNCHING

Shit!

Where were we?

Oh. Look at that.

I'm still holding his head.

Ooh, I know. Let's do penalties.

Yeah, hi. You sent me a mouldy pear

in my online shopping about six weeks ago.

No, I won't hold. I want eight pears.

I don't know why eight. It's just

a number I picked out of my head, and now I want it.

OK. Bye.

Nicky, did you just demand eight pears?

I just demanded eight pears.

They're coming tomorrow.

Meg, you know when I killed my father?

Yes, I do, because you talk about it all the time.

I think I might be invincible.

Yes, it is.

I bought a new coat, like Simon's.

It just looks really weird.

You even look... sort of passable for a human.

It's a bit like if the Elephant Man

grew a hipster beard and got some tattoos

and you put him in skinny jeans and a beanie hat,

you'd be like, "Yeah. Sort of. Maybe."

What I'm saying is,

you should basically take it off right now and burn it.

I like it.

Oh. And, Meg...

Yes, Nicky?

I...

Nothing.

Nicky, you wouldn't be about to do anything stupid, would you?

Like, I dunno, cut your own hair or...

tell Meg that you're secretly in love with her?

Yeah. OK, Alison.

Because that's exactly where I am in my series arc.

I'm ready to tell Meg that I love her.

HE SCOFFS Grow up, Alison.

Right. I might go for a run.

How far is a marathon?

So your dad tells me you've been playing your game together.

That's right.

Dad?

Did you want to tell her what we've been doing?

Happy to, Son.

Nicholas teabagged me. Oh! What's teabags?

Well, first he's cut my head off.

Then he sort of... just did that, over my head.

Like he's tapping his bollocks on my face.

I thought it'd be nice for us to do something together,

but he just keeps killing me

and then tapping his bollocks on my face,

so I think I'll stop playing it now.

Sorry for teabagging you, Dad.

I didn't think. (It's all right.)

So, who wants to carve?

Very funny(!)

I'll carve. HE SHARPENS KNIFE

How do you mean, very funny? I mean I'm carving.

You don't think I can carve? Son, I've seen you carve.

You can't carve.

That's funny, cos I seem to

remember carving you up pretty good out in the Flatlands.

Well, this is reality, Son.

Is it, though, Dad? Is THIS reality? Is it really?

I'm carving.

Not until I've carved the meat, Dad.

BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC

Boys...

You do it in chunks.

BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC

I won't do it in chunks.

I'll do it in slices, like we all like!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

It's my house. I'll carve.

I'm the more proficient with the

blade, as I clearly demonstrated on your face, neck and head.

Give me the meat, Son.

I can do it, Dad!

Never!

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Now...

..shall I be mother?

Usman! Have you seen Meg? One second.

Hey, Wade! I think Daria has an assignment!

Yeah. If you don't mind taking a look, that would be tremendous!

Sure thing, Usman! Come here, honey!

Sucker.

I think she went to the House of the Jade Moon. Her and Russell.

AVATAR JABBERS Eurgh!

HE MUTTERS