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1
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,360
Oh, what the actual fuck? Alison!
2
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:16,120
What is this here?
What is this here, please?
3
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,120
Oh, I... I thought it was nice.
4
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,560
Right. So it's not a dig?
How is that a dig?
5
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,240
A dig at me, at my choices.
6
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,080
Is it?
7
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,960
Is that what it is, Alison?
"Life is for living."
8
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,400
Funny that, isn't it?
A bit of a coincidence.
9
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,000
Are they new cushions?
Is that a throw?
10
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,840
What? I'm just trying
to make it nice.
11
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,320
Oh, my God! I see what this is.
This is a trap.
12
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,640
You're just trying to lure me
into the living room
13
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,480
so I get all comfy and...
14
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,880
Nicky! Alison is trying to trap us.
15
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,680
She's, quote,
"made the living room all nice."
16
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,280
What?
I had some Habitat vouchers, I...
17
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,840
What did you think would happen?
18
00:00:55,880 --> 00:01:00,440
That we would just sit down watching
Gogglebox together, eating Maltesers?
19
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,960
I don't even like Maltesers.
Doesn't even like Maltesers.
20
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,520
Look, I just get tired
of seeing backs -
21
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,480
stood in doorways, looking at backs.
22
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:13,000
All I see is backs. Backs.
23
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,600
Yeah, cos our fronts are engaged
in something worthwhile.
24
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,120
Grinding for items.
No, not just grinding for items.
25
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,600
Playing, connecting, myth-making.
26
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,400
Also grinding for items.
27
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,080
All right. Forget it then.
Don't sit out here.
28
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,920
Oh, don't worry. We won't.
Where are we going?
29
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,840
Back to our rooms.
30
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:45,360
Do you know, we've spent 34 hours
on blimp travel?
31
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,600
What are you talking about?
I'm just looking at our build stats.
32
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,200
That's not us doing missions.
That's just us commuting
from one place to another.
33
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:56,320
Isn't that insane?
No. It's not insane.
34
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,920
Actually, it's a very fucking large
kingdom.
35
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,520
I'm going to look up how
long it took Paul McCartney
Yeah, OK.
36
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,080
Maybe don't do that, Nicky.
37
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,760
40 minutes. Paul McCartney wrote
Hey Jude in 40 minutes
38
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,720
and we've spent 34 hours
on blimp travel.
39
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,560
Had a lot of fun on those blimp
rides, though - a lot of memories.
40
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,240
Daddy, will you come and bake
Later, baby-cakes.
41
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:22,320
51 times.
You could write Hey Jude 51 times
42
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,240
in the time we've spent in blimps.
43
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,960
What's everyone else doing
that's so worthwhile?
44
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,440
What, they're all just sat around
writing brilliant novels and fucking?
45
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,840
No, they're reading magazines and
finding new ways to hate themselves.
46
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,240
It's eyebrows now.
It used to be no-one wanted eyebrows.
47
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,480
All of a sudden,
everyone wants massive eyebrows.
48
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,280
At least we're doing something.
We're connected.
49
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,120
Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg.
Don't try to make this meaningful.
50
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:50,040
It's fine.
It's over for us and that's fine.
51
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,760
OK, he's coming on. What do you want
Yeah - chairs.
52
00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,240
Hello? Hello? Is there anyone there?
53
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,040
Aloha!
54
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,760
Hello!
Makes you feel a bit bad.
55
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,360
Look at him.
OK, Meg - remember the raid?
56
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,800
His primary weapon was a baguette.
It was actually a brioche.
57
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:16,840
God! I just wish
he wasn't so fucking stupid.
58
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,360
Whee!
59
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:22,160
Meg, if you banged him, you'd
basically be exploiting a cretin.
60
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,120
You could get done for exploiting
I know that, Nicky.
61
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,360
And yet,
as my nubbin stirs in my pants,
62
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:31,600
I cannot, hand on heart,
entirely rule it out.
63
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:33,760
Whee!
PROPELLER WHIRRS
64
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,480
Oh, no! I've done it again.
65
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:49,240
Meg, in the game, right,
would you be interested, right,
66
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,200
in the game,
67
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:52,600
in...in marrying me?
68
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,880
Right? But in the game.
69
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,880
Sorry. What the fuck are these words
that are coming out of your mouth?
70
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,960
Cos all I'm hearing is, like,
dolphin sounds.
71
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,520
Like...
CLICKING AND SQUEAKING
72
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:08,360
No, because I looked into it and you
get 15% more experience points
if you're married to someone.
73
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,520
I don't give a shit about XP points.
74
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,280
From a character point of view,
why would Greta get married?
75
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,920
She's notoriously promiscuous.
Well, she's a slag.
76
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960
Not a slag, Nicky.
She's just open to experiences.
77
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,960
She's pan, she's bi.
78
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,560
One day it's orcs,
the next day it's vampire priests.
79
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,880
She's a sexual conundrum.
80
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,960
If she got some easy XP,
she could level up.
81
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,320
You know, give her that final push
into the citadel,
82
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,520
maybe even defeat the Hive Mother.
83
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,600
Well, yes, obviously it would be nice
to defeat the Hive Mother.
84
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,840
She brought ruin to that kingdom.
85
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:44,360
She drove the Cat Folk of Calduggan
into the sea, Nicky. In the sea.
86
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,200
They can't swim. They're cats.
87
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,440
And you said yourself, Meg,
what else is there?
88
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,520
Sitting in Alison's death pit
on a comfy cushion?
89
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,760
If we're going to do this,
we might as well commit.
90
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,840
All right, fine, whatever.
Consider yourself engaged.
91
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,400
Oh, my God.
SHE RETCHES
92
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,080
I know.
HE RETCHES
93
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,040
You're engaged?
In the game.
94
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,400
It's a game!
We're engaged in a game.
95
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,840
You're getting married
in Kingdom Scrolls?
It's just for the XP points.
96
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,320
It's basically a visa wedding.
It's like - I don't know.
97
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,000
Some young hot Syrian refugee
being forced into marrying
98
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,320
this old, fat horrible van driver
from Barnsley
99
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,400
that she finds disgusting.
100
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,600
It's not that
but it is something similar.
101
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,760
And what about the man
from your work, Meg?
102
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,400
The man you both murdered?
We're hiding from him.
103
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,040
Yeah, every time he comes online
we turn into chairs.
104
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,520
OK, I'm just going to have to hit
pause for a second.
105
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,360
God, I fucking hate you
when you hit pause.
106
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,200
The next time
you get a weepie on rum
107
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,520
and you say to me, "Alison,
why do you always have a boyfriend?"
108
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,040
I'm going to say, "Because
I don't turn into a chair every time
they come into a room."
109
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,480
Forget Russell!
110
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,680
Let's all just forget about Russell.
111
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,120
And you don't think
it's going to make things weird
between the two of you?
112
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,080
OK, Alison.
113
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,560
Would it make things weird
if I bought a frying pan?
114
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,880
Oh, yeah! Alison,
115
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,160
would it make things weird
if Meg bought a frying pan?
116
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:11,720
This isn't the same as buying
This is exactly the
Just like buying a fryingpan.
117
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,160
OK, to be honest,
it's quite an odd comparison,
118
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,320
so, in a way,
it's already gone a bit weird.
119
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,760
Alison, sh!
120
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,560
Let me just put this to bed for you,
OK?
121
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,680
Two nerds in a house, Meg and me.
122
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,240
Now, the classic series arc
for a pair of characters like us
123
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,000
is that we get together -
well, that ain't my arc, baby.
124
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,080
No, me, neither. In fact,
I'm breaking out of my little box,
125
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,160
my little box set, and I'm
fucking off to some other show.
126
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,440
Yeah, me too.
I'm out the door.
127
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,240
Oh, no! Now you're in the show
on your own, Alison.
128
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,600
I hope
you don't die alone in your own show
129
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,720
on your own, Alison.
130
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,240
Let's go, fiance.
THEY RETCH
131
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:04,080
Wow, look at this place. It must be
a furniture warehouse of some kind.
132
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,160
God, there's some
really nice pieces.
133
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,840
So where are they then,
these new friends of yours?
134
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,800
Oh, no, it keeps doing this.
I find them on the map
135
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,840
and when I get there,
it's just chairs.
136
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,000
I wonder why there's
so much furniture in this game?
137
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,640
Marriage, dude? That's heavy.
138
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,120
It would be if I had any feelings
for Meg but I don't, so it isn't.
139
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,280
I just feel dead from the waist down
whenever I think about her.
140
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,840
In fact, if I trigger
the paralysis emote,
141
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,000
this is me thinking about Meg.
142
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,960
Cos me and my wife,
we're so hot for each other.
143
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,880
Date night once a month.
Make a big effort.
144
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,800
This month I got us two tickets
for a band we're both really into.
145
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,560
Holy fuck, it's this Thursday.
146
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:46,200
HE SIGHS
How is that this Thursday?
147
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,920
Dinner and a band straight after.
I have a quest line to finish
148
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,680
and instead I'm going to be
in a room, in a sweater,
watching a band.
149
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,560
Fuck my life!
150
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,080
Hey, sweetie. Dinner smells amazing.
151
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,720
Here comes the bride, motherfuckers!
152
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,520
Sorry I'm late.
I had a bachelorette party
153
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,120
with the boys from the US server.
154
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,800
Got drunk and killed a villager.
155
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,920
Oh, Satan's Donut said
he's sorry he can't make it.
156
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,080
He's got a shift at the carpet shop.
157
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,440
He sent a calf. Oh, that's nice.
158
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,880
MOOING
Right, then.
159
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,400
Guess we should just do it, then.
160
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,280
We're gathered here today
to celebrate the union
161
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,120
of Greta Longstocking
and Mark The Unwavering.
162
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,600
You know this is
actually kind of adorable?
How is this adorable, Alison?
163
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,480
I'm being trafficked.
164
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:37,080
The system is coercing me
into marrying someone
165
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,520
that makes me physically...
166
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,840
Ergh.
Huerrr.
167
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,480
THEY CONTINUE RETCHING
168
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,200
Who's this trying to join the chat?
169
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,480
Hello? Can anyone hear me? Meg?
170
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,200
Surprise!
171
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:57,280
You invited my fucking mum?
I thought it would be nice.
172
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,240
Hello? Meg?
173
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,280
Anyway, why would it be weird?
It's just like buying a frying pan.
174
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,080
I'm not sure my thing's connected.
175
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,680
Mum, I'm going to have to hex you
down to the Dark Circle
176
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,840
because I just can't even deal.
177
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,760
Oh! What's happening?
178
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:12,960
Meg!
179
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,360
Did you just hex your mum?
180
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,880
Dude, you just banished her
to the Dark Circle. That's cold.
181
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,480
Let's just get this over with.
182
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,400
You may now kiss the bride.
183
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,560
Oh, OK. I'll do that, then, shall I?
184
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,960
Yeah, right,
because we're so in love.
185
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,440
Kissy-kissy.
SHE RETCHES
186
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,000
I concur.
187
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,280
THEY CONTINUE RETCHING
188
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:38,400
CALF MOOS
189
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,520
PIG SQUEALS
190
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,880
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC
191
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,280
God, this is so great.
192
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,840
15%.
It's such an under-appreciated buff.
193
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,160
Seriously,
everyone should get married.
194
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,880
All those losers out there,
questing solo, like this guy.
195
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,480
Oi! Get a life, you wanker.
Yeah, you wifeless wanker!
196
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,880
So, I had an idea.
197
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,000
If we wash our faces
and brush our teeth about 7pm,
198
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,480
then it's out of the way,
199
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,800
then we can stay up till 1, 2am
just looting, looting, looting.
200
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,320
Nicky, I am not brushing my teeth
at 7pm.
201
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,760
Good.
202
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,720
My health is lower
than a camel's ball sack.
203
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:32,000
No, like, actual rations. I got you
actual rations from the shop.
204
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,600
It's a lasagne.
205
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,000
Yeah.
206
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:41,080
From the shops?
With some garlic bread.
207
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,960
It came in a deal.
208
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,160
Right.
209
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,720
I was buying one for myself
anyway.
210
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,480
I thought I'd get a bigger one
that feeds us both
211
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,360
and we wouldn't have to stop
playing.
212
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:58,160
Did you...?
213
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:00,920
Did you get me a pudding?
214
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,800
God, no! No puddings.
Absolutely zero puddings.
215
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,800
Oh! I thought you'd gone all weird
for a second.
216
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:12,360
I mean, what kind of pervert
goes around buying puddings?
217
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,360
Hey, Meg. Quick question about
Kingdom Scrolls.
218
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,760
Are you hiding from me?
In the game.
219
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,320
Do you and your friends hide from me
by turning into chairs?
220
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,760
I looked it up online
and there's a magic pebble
that lets you turn into furniture.
221
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,520
Right. Yes, we are doing that.
222
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,400
OK. Can I just ask why?
223
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,440
Is it because...?
224
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,760
Is it because I'm annoying?
225
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,280
Yeah. It is because of that, yeah.
226
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,360
Oh, OK! No, great.
227
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,280
That's what Mum said.
228
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,480
I'm still going to play it, though.
229
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,840
Because it's... It's fun
230
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,640
and last night I went down
to the harbour
231
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,400
and threw a deer into the water
and I shot fireworks at it
232
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,920
and it was...
233
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,240
It was... Phhhwwrrr!
Yeah, we used to do that.
234
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,200
Me and Nicky.
We once spent an entire evening
235
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:16,160
trying to ride a stallion
up to the top, into the volcano.
236
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,640
Molten lava kept burning its hooves.
237
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:21,800
It was just like, "No! No!!
238
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,400
"Whaaa! My hooves are on fire!
239
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,920
"Whaa! Whaaa! Brr!"
240
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,200
We just kept riding him on up there.
241
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,880
Now we just grind because
we are grinding towards the endgame.
242
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,200
Anyway, I'm going to go fire
Roman candles at some elks.
243
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,920
'Right, the rats have been slain.
Let's away, fair maiden.
244
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,600
'Wife.'
245
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,680
Actually, Russell...
'Shall we? Hello?'
246
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,480
THUNDER RUMBLES
247
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,440
TOOTH-BRUSHING NOISES
248
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,320
You're brushing your teeth?
The One Show hasn't finished
249
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,800
and you're brushing your teeth?
Yep.
250
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,640
No longer the tyranny
of late-night ablutions for me.
251
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,320
Log on, find the items,
acquire the items,
252
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,600
equip the items, upgrade the items,
outgrow the items,
253
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:15,640
trade the items.
254
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,120
Bed, work, home and play.
255
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,760
And repeat.
256
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,160
Tremendous.
257
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,400
Where's Meg?
258
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,520
Alison!
259
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:35,600
RAIN POURING, RINGING TONE
260
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:40,320
'This is Meg. I probably don't feel
like talking right now.'
BLEEP
261
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,760
Hey, Meg. It's Nicky,
your significant other.
262
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,040
Not to be a nag
but when are you likely to be home?
263
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,520
Also, your lasagne's
quite fucking cold. OK, bye.
264
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,840
BIRDSONG
265
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,040
A-ha! The elusive wife returns.
266
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:12,240
Nicky, are you feeling OK?
Yeah. I'm great, thanks.
267
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,840
Just letting off some steam.
268
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,520
I was just feeling
a bit het up for some reason,
269
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,040
so I thought I'd tidy up the field,
have a bit of a clear-out.
270
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,320
Mm.
271
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:33,040
Where have you been?
Oh, I just went to the pub
with some of the guys from work.
272
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,080
That's very interesting -
"some of the guys". Nice and vague.
273
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,920
Oh, sweet baby Mario. Not Calf.
274
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:43,120
PLAINTIVE CRY
Oh!
275
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,240
Ahem. Whoo!
276
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,800
Whoops.
277
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:52,640
Anyway, hubby, I might just turn in.
Okey-dokey.
278
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,280
I'm going to finish up here.
279
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:58,040
Only a couple more and I'll unlock
the Cow Slayer achievement.
280
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,400
SHE SIGHS
281
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,840
Here comes a dopamine rush.
282
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,360
Then it's gone.
283
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,360
KNOCKING
284
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:19,800
Meg, I made you some Cup-a-Soup
to say sorry for slaying the calf.
285
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,760
Erm, it's two o'clock
in the morning, Nicky.
286
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,880
I don't really want any soup. Thanks.
287
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,040
OK. I'll just flush it down the
fucking toilet then, shall I? Night.
288
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,200
KNOCKING
Meg? Me again.
289
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,880
Did you smear my Oral-B Pro Expert
all over the mirror?
290
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,520
Yeah. Yeah, I did do that.
291
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,920
But I was just a bit angry
because you killed the baby cow.
292
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:55,160
But that was before
you made me the soup to say sorry.
293
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,240
Crikey. Talk about crossed wires.
294
00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,720
Oh, God! I know.
295
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,960
We should see a bloody marriage
guidance counsellor or something.
296
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,080
Ha!
297
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,080
Ha.
298
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,720
So should I make you some more soup
Got it.
299
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,560
Night.
300
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,000
So great that everything's cool
between the two of you.
301
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,960
I'd hate to feel like the third
It's all totally cool.
302
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,200
Ooh! I might throw some gold at
this dancing gentleman from Mexico.
303
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,600
That's from the joint account,
Great.
304
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,480
I might go to the tavern.
Find a wench and then fuck it.
305
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,320
Fine by me. Don't get groin rot.
306
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,360
Cute.
307
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,560
Date night tonight, which is going
to be pretty fucking great
308
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,120
because I ain't going.
309
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,200
Yep. Pulled a sickie.
310
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,840
I'd better just stay in and play
Kingdom Scrolls in my onesie.
311
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,160
Good. It's important you still have
Completely agree.
312
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,560
More gold! Dance, senor, dance.
313
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,760
It's actually worked out perfectly
because there's this guy
she's always talking about - Wade.
314
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,560
So I palmed her off onto him.
Oh, right.
315
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:11,520
Sucker! I was all like,
"So sorry I can't make it.
316
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,920
"Have a great night with Wade. Take
50 bucks and get your hair done."
317
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,840
And she looked great. And she was
like, "Don't wait up, baby."
318
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,400
And I was like, "OK, I won't."
319
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,200
Then boom!
The Cat Man is back in town.
320
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,280
And you're not, like, jealous?
321
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:30,520
Why would I be jealous?
They have to go and see a band.
322
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,120
They have to stand up on their feet
in a room for two hours
323
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,240
and for what?
324
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,240
To hear some songs.
325
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,840
So worth it!
"Please play some more songs!"
326
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,760
OK, Russell's coming.
We need to hide.
327
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,440
Actually, Nicky,
we don't need to hide any more.
328
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,120
There's something we should tell you.
We just got married!
329
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,400
What's he talking about?
They relaxed the laws on bigamy.
330
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,760
It's like the Hive Mother's one piece
of progressive legislation.
331
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,600
So you just went out
and married someone else, did you?
332
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,080
Nicky! You knew the deal
when you shacked up with Greta.
333
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,080
You can't cage the beast.
She's a libidinous animal.
334
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,000
Yeah, I know, but...
335
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:12,200
Him? He's a newb. I bet he's playing
with his mouth open.
336
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,560
I mean, it is slightly ajar.
337
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,120
No. It's cool.
338
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:23,000
Meg marries Russell and they both
live happily ever after.
339
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,560
Ooh. I wonder what's at the bottom
of this ravine.
340
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,760
Ah. Nothing.
341
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:00,800
Meg! What are you doing, Meg?
342
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:05,840
Erm... Oh, I'm just putting bits
into Nicky's no-bits orange juice.
343
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,320
That's it. Nicky!
344
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,200
Nicky, take the tampons out of
your ears. I know you can hear me.
345
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,440
Oh, hey, Alison. What's up?
You two - sit.
346
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,040
This whole marriage thing -
you are messing
with forces beyond your control.
347
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,800
You're emotional cripples
and you're out of your depth.
348
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,280
You're like apes in a science lab
trying to make a chemical compound.
349
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,120
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah! This in here.
350
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,480
Ay-ooh-ah-ooh-ha. This in here.
351
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,760
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah!
I dropped a test tube.
352
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,600
Trainers in the fridge,
tampons in ears.
353
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,840
Somebody filled the toilet cistern
with milk and cornflakes.
354
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,760
It is insane
and I don't know what it is
355
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,520
but I just think that maybe
you're in love with each other.
356
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,640
Tch!
357
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,840
OK, Alison.
358
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,240
You've gone psychotic.
359
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,800
Three options, Alison.
One, you shut up forever.
360
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,720
Two, you need to be sectioned,
or three, we just kill you.
361
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,040
Yeah - which is it going to be,
I mean it. This ends now.
362
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,480
Either get a divorce or go and fuck
363
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,800
or move out of my flat.
364
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,040
Fine. Yeah. Let's just go and do it.
What?
365
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,120
Yeah! Yeah! Let's fuck,
if that's what she wants.
366
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,880
Erm...
367
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,200
Right, then.
368
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,480
Mm-hm.
369
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,840
Happy now, Alison?
370
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,400
We're doing it!
We're fucking each other.
371
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,560
Is this what you wanted, Alison?
And there's nothing - no feelings.
372
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,480
No feelings whatsoever, Alison.
373
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,120
Oh, what, do you want
the reverse cowgirl? Yeah?
374
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,680
I'll take her from behind
then, shall I, Alison?
375
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,480
Is she still there, Meg?
376
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,560
Yeah. Yeah, just keep going.
377
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,920
Er!
378
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,080
I'm so utterly turned on,
I've just blown my beans inside you.
379
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,280
Er, yeah. I too have just orgasmed,
380
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,160
sending hot waves of ecstasy
rippling through my body.
381
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,040
Totally, totally, totally.
382
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,920
Well, I think we've proved
our point.
383
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,280
We've successfully subverted
our series arc.
384
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,960
Fuck that shit.
385
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,320
Oh, btw - you did release your mum
from the Dark Circle, didn't you?
386
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:45,960
Oh, fuck!
387
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,960
SCREAMING
388
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:53,440
Help me! Help me!
31009
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