Original subtitles

- Jesus Christ, Bridget, I told you to stop doing that.

- Oh shut up.

I didn't mean to do it

this time.

I'll get some food on.

What would you like?

There's a bit of turkey, there's turkey curry,

turkey sandwich, turkey soup.

There's boiled turkey, baked turkey,

grilled turkey, cold turkey, hot turkey, turkey in a roll,

turkey toasty, then turkey and chips.

- Say that again?

- Turkey curry, turkey sandwich, turkey soup.

I'll get you a bit of everything.

Oh Eamon, I've had the best Christmas.

The look on the kids faces when they saw their presents.

- Yay!

- Oh.

- Yay!

Tonight, Crocodile Dungee is on the telly.

Can you imagine?

A film, not even in the cinema or the pictures or anything,

just right here in the living room.

- It's Crocodile Dundee, you dope.

And Mammy's coming.

- What?

- Hello.

- Mammy, did you get here?

Eamon never said.

- Sure I've been here all night in the dark.

You didn't answer the door bell,

so I just let myself in and stood over you all night,

just waiting and watching.

- Oh Mammy, you're some woman, do you know that?

- Oh my special boy.

Come here to me and give your Mammy

a big squeeze-y weezy.

Oh my little boy.

My little teapot,

oh twinkle twinkle, little star.

You're hair's very flat, Brenda.

Do you not go get it done anymore?

- It's Bridget.

And for your information

- Oh, I'm sorry, I get very confused.

Brenda was that lovely, beautiful, tall,

elegant girl that Eamon used to go out with.

- Mammy, did you bring me one.

- I did, of course.

- No one I have ever known, throughout my entire life,

could cook as well as you, Mammy.

Other food is poison!

- Anything for my special little boy.

- Mammy, is there anything, and I mean anything

that we can do for you?

- Well there is thing, but it really

needs a woman's touch.

I suppose Bridget will do.

Still smoking I see, Brenda.

You smoke way too much.

I've always said that.

That, and you're an absolute slut.

- Eamon's Mammy, how can you say such a thing.

And all I do for you.

- And who are you gonna tell?

Eamon?

- I will.

- What the hell?

Are you okay Mammy?

- Oh, just a little accident, Eamon.

I suppose I'm just a little sensitive

to having cigarette butts stamped out on my skin.

- What did you do to my mother?

- I didn't do

- Get out!

And give us some cuddle time.

- Oh pet.

There was a little boy and he had a little horse,

and they all fell down in the big big hole.

- Again, again again again.

- No pet you're tired.

- Again!

I want to go again.

I want to go again.

- Very like your father.

- There's your dinner.

- When did you buy those vegetables?

- Christmas Eve.

- How long did you boil them fer?

- Two days.

- You should always boil vegetables for at least a week.

You're very, what's the word I'm looking for, stupid.

- Excuse me.

- I see turkey and no ham.

- I have ham, but I didn't know you liked ham.

- I want four slices laid on top of each other,

exactly two millimeters thin.

- Of course you would.

- That's wrong, you'll have to do that again.

I wouldn't give that to the dog.

- Your son is nice enough for it.

- Excuse me?

- That must've been the tough bit.

- It looks like shite.

Where are you going with that?

- Onto your plate.

- Are you trying to kill me?

That would choke me.

I said I'd like a thick slice!

- You said you wanted it two millimeters thin!

- No I did not.

- Yes you did!

- No I didn't.

- Yes you did!

- No I didn't.

Are you calling me a big fat bastard liar?

- I never said that

out loud.

- I want a thick slice now.

Thicker, thicker.

Thinner, thicker!

Thinner, thicker!

Thicker!

- Oh Jesus, no!

Oh my god, oh poor Eamon's Mammy.

Oh no.

Oh, Lady of Guadalupe,

Oh, Jesus, oh hear our prayer, oh my god,

what's happening, oh.

Oh, if only there was something we could have done.

- Call a, what's the word I'm looking for, ambulance,

call an ambulance.

- A very little chance.

- Bridget.

Where's Mammy?

The Christmas special is starting.

- Eamon, don't come in!

- Why?

- We're having a big woman-y chat, give me five minutes.

Come in Eamon, come in.

- Is that blood?

- No.

- Is she not breathing?

- Oh she is.

Oh she is.

She has that beautiful non-breathy type of a breath,

where you can't see it or hear it.

- She looks dead.

- Dead tired, Eamon, after my lovely dinner, she said.

- You killed her, didn't you?

- What?

What makes you think that Eamon?

- Because no one would say you make a beautiful dinner,

and there's blood pumping from her neck

and you're holding a murder weapon.

- Oh I can't lie to you Eamon, it's true.

Thieves broke into the house,

they killed your evil bitch of a mother

and had their perverted way with me.

- You're lying again.

No one wants to pervert their way with you.

And we've nothing to steal.

The last time someone broke in,

they left us a fiver and package of ginger nut biscuits.

- Okay, the electric carving knife,

it slipped and it killed your mother.

I don't know why you're making such a big deal about it.

Can we all just get on with our lives,

and have a bit of Christmas cake.

- I can't even kill your mother to even things up,

she's already dead.

- For the last time, my mother is not dead!

- Well that's just typical of her, isn't it.

Making me travel on the Christmas holidays

to avenge my mother's death.

Why can't she come here?

- Can we not just have one Christmas

where we all don't try and kill one another?

Can we, just once?

- Oh, you are going down for this one, Bridget.

Come on, ma.

I'm calling the guards.

Although this is a very very sad moment for me,

I can't help but smile,

knowing that you're going to go down

for a good 15 to 20 years.

- If I go down, who's going to make you dinner?

- Me mother will drop them

- And who's going to mind your six to eight kids, Eamon?

- I'll sell them to the yanks.

- You're a ginger, Eamon.

What yank is going to want to buy a ginger kid.

- I, I, I

- We have to get rid of the body.

We need to make it look like an accident.

She was walking down the road.

- With an electric carving knife.

- Yes, good one.

And oh my ear got itchy

and I just was scratching my ear,

and and and

and blood, oh, I'm dying and I probably

deserve it because I'm an evil bitch kind of thing.

- You killed my mammy.

- We have to get rid of the body together.

Or it's prison for me,

and you have to spend all day, everyday,

all by yourself with your own kids.

- Oh that's an impossible choice.

Okay, we'll get rid of the body.

I wouldn't mind, but Crocodile Dundee was on tonight.

Oh she loved the film.

- No, oh put her, no Eamon, this way.

- Jesus Christ.

Thank god, nobody calls at the door on St. Stephens Day.

- Could you imagine?

No wait, people always go around on St. Stephen's Day.

- Shite, maybe it's just like one of those women,

like other women, that sell plastic shite door-to-door.

- Open up, it's the guards.

- Come in guards.

- There's no emergency.

We just like shouting that when we come up to the door.

Just for the craic.

- Now lads, if you're looking for somebody

to arrest by the end of the year just to meet

your quotas, you've come to the wrong house.

- We haven't broken any laws.

- Unless drink driving is breaking the law.

- Actually, technically it is.

- Not with your cap on.

I must've had 14 pints last night on the way home.

I don't know why it's called a hit and run,

the fellow I hit didn't get up and run.

- We just wanted to let you know

that RTE are showing a film tonight, Crocodile Dundee.

We wouldn't want anybody to be missing that now.

This film, it's about a Scottish crocodile

let lose in New York.

There might be some relations in it.

- Sexual relations?

- No no, my cousin, she lives in New York.

- Anyway, we won't be keeping ye.

- Oh great, I mean

great to see ya.

- Before we go, do you want a lift

with this old rolled up rug here.

- No!

- Right.

- Where did you want it?

- Christ, that's some heavy pile in that rug there.

- That's what I said.

- Wait a second.

Who's false teeth are those?

- Oh, they're mine.

They're my new ones.

Look, see, look.

Oh, they fit perfectly.

Eamon says I look like one of the Charlies's angels.

- What's all that blood there?

- That's not blood.

That's red sauce.

Look, yeah, red sauce there now.

I'll taste it to prove it.

- Do.

- You can stop me now at any second.

- I think they want to see you eat it.

- I think they would say that if they wanted,

you can stop me now.

- He loves it.

- That cap is rolled up rather suspiciously.

I think I know what's going on here.

- I wish you said that before I had

a taste of red sauce.

- New teeth, red sauce, rolled-up carpet,

you're having a party!

- Will the film on the telly.

- Yes.

- So who's invited?

- Thanks everyone for coming.

I really hate watching the television in peace and quiet.

- There's turkey sandwiches, turkey voulez-vous,

and turkey dry ball.

- It's funny that Eamon's Mammy isn't here.

- No it isn't!

- No, it is.

Because isn't she a bit of a film buff, Eamon?

I remember talking to her last Christmas.

I was telling her about the film studies evening course

I was doing in Carlow.

And I distinctly remember her telling me

how much she loves films and how she wouldn't miss one

on the telly for the world.

- Yeah, she did, I mean she does.

I even bought her this camcorder

for £500 pounds for Christmas.

And Carlow, Concepta, Carlow doesn't have.

an officially accredited film studies course.

- Didn't I see Eamon's Mammy climbing

in your window last night?

- Yes, she's upstairs, but she's dead tired.

- Not dead tired, she's just regular tired.

- I'll just pop up and say hello then.

- Shall we all come up?

- Yes.

We'll all go up.

Just give us two minutes.

Eamon, let's just go out for a second.

Let's just go out, have a little word

about that camcorder.

That's what I'm going to ram up your

Oh my god, isn't it great.

Okay, I rearranged the body and put a bit of make-up

on her to make her look presentable,

or lots of make-up, and you stall them.

- If I have to break into the drinks cabinet,

I'm going to get you to replace it.

I'll take it out of your housekeeping.

- Just keep pushing the trifle.

There's plenty of sherry in it to mask the taste

of the turkey.

Go, go, go.

Eamon!

We have a little bit of a problem.

I don't want you to freak out.

But your Mammy's dead body is gone.

- Mammy!

Where's my dead Mammy's body gone?

- I know what's happened.

That evil bitch, she's become a zombie

like in one of those films.

- Well half the town want to come up and see her.

- I know, you're going to have to pretend to be her.

You look more like her than I do.

- I will not dishonor my dead mother.

- Jesus, you'd swear I was asking for a favor, get in.

Get in!

Hello everybody.

Eamon's Mammy is ready to see you now.

If anybody would like to take a small mirror

up to check her breath, you can.

Or maybe a copy of today's newspaper and a camera.

You can take my photograph with Eamon's Mammy.

We can all say it together,

isn't it great that Eamon's Mammy is alive.

And Bridget is here to witness it.

So if she wants to suddenly die, for example,

Bridget couldn't have done it.

- That's a very long sentence, Bridget.

No one would remember it.

- Maybe we could make a little song.

♫ Isn't it great

♫ Diddlee aye, diddlee aye

♫ That Eamon's Mammy is alive

♫ Diddlee aye, diddlee aye

♫ So if she was to die

♫ Diddlee aye, diddlee aye

♫ It couldn't have been Bridget

♫ Diddlee aye, diddlee aye

- Second verse!

♫ What if she was dead

♫ Diddlee aye, diddlee aye

♫ Bridget would be the suspect

♫ Diddlee aye, diddlee aye

- Shut up Concepta!

It only needed one verse.

- Who is it?

- It's me, honey.

- Oh hello Frank.

I didn't know you knew me.

- Yeah, listen I'm sorry about what happened

last time you were here.

In fairness, I did offer to go halfers

on the hip replacement.

- Why would you offer to pay for my hip.

Sure she fell, I mean I fell down the stairs.

And I sent her, Eamon sent her me money.

- Yeah listen, I'll try to go a bit gentler

on you this time, right, but I can't promise anything.

- Promise what?

Gentler how?

- You know how.

- Oh look at us.

Isn't it amazing, we're like a big gang of alibis.

Oh alibi's a great word, isn't it.

We should all say it together.

- Oh, Eamon's Mammy, I've seen a lot of

false teeth thrown across carpets

in the throes of passion.

But this time, I want you to leave them in for me, my petal.

- Get off me Frank.

- We are all Bridget's alibi.

Say it, it's great, no?

- I love it when you're feisty, you minx.

- Get off me Frank!

- Give us a look at them big juicy

- Get off me Frank!

- Holy moly, you punch like you're still

in your sixties, ya mad joke.

- I tell you one thing.

If you try and mount me again,

I swear to god you'll be shiting your own teeth.

- How'd you do that?

How'd you?

Come here everyone, look.

Eamon's Mammy does a great impersonation of Eamon.

- Where is Eamon's Mammy?

- There.

- I can explain everything.

It's all Bridget's fault.

- I can explain exactly where she is.

- There she is now,

hovering outside the window.

- Why are you screaming?

- Because she killed my Mammy.

- Accidentally and now we're all going to die!

- Where's me shoes.

Bridget, where's me shoes?

- Okay okay, don't judge me.

Okay, but you see, Mammy, she was in the kitchen

and she wanted ham, I think,

and then she said, can you cut it a bit thicker,

and then the carving knife went

Into the neck and thenjust for a moment,

maybe it was more than a moment, and she kind of died.

- And now she's back from the dead

and she's gonna kill us all,

because she's quite spiteful that way.

I'm sorry I said that, Mammy.

- It's Eamon's Mammy, let me in.

- We're trapped.

We're all going to die.

- I always knew I was going to die in a zombie apocalypse.

- Before we all die, I have to confess.

I'm pretty sure I reversed it 'til I was

going around a roundabout in Kildare.

- I'm, I'm a

- Bridget, I am such a bitch to you because

I've been in love with you since we were in school.

- Isn't that lovely.

- I don't have the heart for the garda.

- You should spend time in the burgundy,

that suits you much better.

- Shut up you simpleton.

- Eamon's Mammy, that's till a great impersonation of him.

- Frank!

- For the first time in my life,

I want to say this to you all now, no more lies,

or hiding in the closet, I'm

I'm a, I'm a vegetarian.

- Jesus father, you hid that so well,

I thought you loved the sausage.

- I do and I don't.

- Concepta, my dead mother, she's gonna kill us all.

Will you just show us your massive, purty,

and double G fake tits.

Did I say tits, I meant party piece,

show us your party piece there.

There's only one thing that's gonna save us now.

There's holy water out in the shed in an empty 7 Up bottle.

That's the only thing that's gonna protect us.

One of us has to go out and get it.

Whoever goes, it's very very dangerous

and you might die, so Bridget, you go.

- What?

- Yeah, now don't get it mixed up with the 7 Up bottle

that's full of poitín or the 7 Up bottle

that's full of diesel,

or the 7 Up bottle that's full of 7 Up.

It has to be the 7 Up bottle that's full of holy water.

There are no markings on any of them.

However, they're all completely identical, go.

- If I don't come back, tell my children

to cancel my hair appointment at half three tomorrow.

- Bridget,

before you go, will you give my mother

this camcorder I got her for Christmas.

It cost nearly £500 pounds.

Oh, she loved the films.

Scalextrics?

Anyone for scalextrics?

- Oh god, oh god, what am I doing?

What's happening.

I'm scared.

Oh god, I don't want to be here.

I can't do this, I can't do this.

If anybody finds this video, tell my children that

I didn't mean for this to happen.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Jesus Christ!

I left the clothes out on the line,

and if it does ran, they are going to be all smelly.

Eamon, Eamon, this is as much your fault

as it is mine, look!

- Right, we all need to decide,

in which order we're going to take a swig of the holy water.

- I don't think it's going to make a lick of difference

in this instance.

Having said that, I should drink first.

- No no no, I know, I know.

So, I go first, and then Father Gabriel and then

- Why shouldn't I go first?

I'm a guest in your house.

- I have a scratch card that I have two pounds on

that I haven't brought back to the post office yet.

And I've just bought a new pair of Dingo's jean shorts

that I haven't even worn yet.

- Eamon, did you just drink the whole lot?

- What?

We don't know the correct dosage.

And there's no point in any of us dying,

apart from Bridget.

And you told me, you didn't win on that scratch card.

- I didn't.

No, what would I want with money?

- Did you lock the back door?

- Of course I locked the back door.

I'm not completely stupid.

- I'm going to, what's the word I'm looking for,

kill, yeah, I'm going to kill you.

- No, yeah, I totally left it open.

- Eamon, no, no!

(screaming

- It's only a scratch card.

I'll just but a little of TCP on it, it'll be wine.

Can I have a bag of chips, please.

- He's turned.

You know what you have to do.

If it was my Brendon, I would do it

Of course, my Brendan wouldn't be stupid enough

to get himself in that situation.

Great choices you made in life, Bridget, great choices.

Here's the spade, go.

- Oh Eamon, I know I let you down.

I know you dreamt more than a semi state job

and six to eight kids, and a 25 year mortgage

on an £80,000 pounds house.

- I'll have a spice burger, as well, please.

- Maybe we were just too young.

And I know I was the first woman you had relations with,

even though I'd been around town quite a bit.

- Just get on with it, Bridget,

no one wants to hear your shite now.

- Oh I love you Eamon and I know deep down, you

- Finish!

- Okay okay will you hold him down,

while I stove his face in with the shovel.

- It's a spade.

- Christmas is pure murder.

- Hold on, that's not the holy water.

That's the poitín.

- Will somebody please just get me a bag of chips.

Or turkey and stuffing, and fry it up in the pan.

- I still think there's some gravy left in the boat.

- Will the two of you just stop fighting.

Every fecking St. Stephen's Day,

you try and kill each other.

- But I lost a kidney last St. Stephen's Day,

when your Mammy

- I don't care.

Get into that kitchen and get me some food.

Crocodile Dundee is starting in two minutes.

I want to see how a Scottish crocodile

got into New York without a visa.

- So Eamon, your Mammy was never a zombie at all.

- No, it's the old warfarin tablets, has her going mental.

I wouldn't worry about it.

- That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's not a knife.

Are there any knives in this house?

Like, that's not a knife, that's not a knife.

Do you have any knives?

Where'd you put all the