Original subtitles

- Eamon.

Eamon.

Eamon, Eamon, Eamon, Eamon, Eamon.

What are you doing, Eamon?

- I'm brushing 's teeth.

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm trying to sleep.

- So, Noreen says to me

when Italians have relations

that the women actually enjoy it.

They enjoy it.

We should try it out.

- Do you know what we should try?

You shutting up for five minutes, how is that?

I'll give you five pounds.

I would spend five minutes with the kids.

I'll even let you touch it for five minutes.

- Easy.

It is hilarious that you think

I couldn't stop talking for five minutes, isn't it, Eamon?

Eamon, isn't it?

I mean, you are so stupid.

You know who can't keep her mouth shut?

That Noreen one, she can't keep her mouth shut.

She can't.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

She's always talking.

I don't know what she be talking about.

She be talking about nothing, going round in circles

and just talking and just...

What is it?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean, you don't know?

I thought you knew everything.

- Will you calm down?

- I am bloody calm!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Hello, Concepta, do you see it over there too?

Yeah, she saw it there too.

No, I've no idea what it is,

even Eamon.

What do you mean, you ?

Wait a second.

You rang her first?

You called Dolores first?

Oh my god, Concepta, I thought you were--

- Concepta, look after Seth and Shawnee first,

and then and only then your tits.

Children, sorry.

How much does it cost to call the ?

- It's free.

- Call the .

- Okay.

- We interrupt normal programming

for this emergency weather report.

- Bridget, get in here!

- The unidentified warm light in the sky

has now been confirmed as the sun.

We now go live to our reporter, David O'Shaughnessy,

who is outside.

- The appearance of this extraordinary

meteorological phenomenon known as sunshine

is, experts say, due to the fact that today

is the first day of the National Leaving Certificate exams.

- Jesus Christ.

- The summer.

- It's very warm already.

Eamon, I think it might be too hot.

- Don't.

Don't say that, you'll jinx it,

and don't tell about the swimming pool

out the back either.

I want to be able to enjoy swimming in that pool

before half the town, aw, you told them.

- I didn't. - You did.

- I didn't.

- You did, you always do.

- Well, I can say right here, right now,

honestly and definitely, I told no one about the--

Okay, maybe I did.

- Are you nearly done with that razor, Noreen?

- Everybody ready?

What has happened to my curtains?

- That is very strange.

The dog must've done it.

- Oh, the dog cut a pattern

out of the exact blouse that you're wearing

and gave it to you?

- Come on, Bridget.

I couldn't find anything in your wardrobe

that could possibly suit anybody.

- It's okay.

Paddy the Pervert, he lives next door, ,

he hates curtains.

He's always telling me to leave them open.

Oh, there he is.

Hi, Paddy!

- Are you out yet?

- No, we're not ready yet.

We'll be down in two minutes.

- What about Concepta?

- What?

Yes, Concepta, she's here.

He loves Concepta.

- Oh, such a lovely man.

Taught me for years,

and I swear I credit that fellow

for my knowledge on how to hold a stick.

- Oh, you're very good.

Ladies,

do you want to see the new swimsuit

I bought from ?

- Oh, no, Bridget.

- You can't go out like that.

Bridget, I don't even like you,

but you need help.

Cover.

- Well, that's me done.

Not getting ready?

- I am.

- No, you're not.

- Oh, I don't really like the sun much, Eamon.

To be honest, I prefer to stay covered up.

- No!

I mean, no!

- See, I read the sun is actually bad for you.

According to new research, with the state of the ozone,

sun damage causes cancer.

- Oh, you're a , Concepta.

How is the sun bad for you?

- Well, it's definitely going to be bad for Bridget.

You have to do something, Eamon.

You have to talk to her.

- Talk to her?

I don't even look at her.

Talk to her?

I haven't talked to her in 25 years.

I'm not going to start talking to her now.

- Come on, Eamon, let's go out in the sun.

- Jesus Christ and the seven horse lips of Port Ayrington,

stay back!

- Oh, do make that stop, Eamon.

Please make that stop.

- What?

- Stay back!

There's only one man who can sort this.

- I came as quick as I could.

- Things have gotten worse since I phoned.

- Have you given her anything?

- Just a bit of flat 7Up, but it hasn't worked.

- Oh, Jesus Christ, it's worse than you described.

- What?

Oh, they're grand.

never shave them.

- I command you, my child, to shave your legs

in the name of the Father and the Son.

Our Lord commands you.

Well, he asks you nicely.

Hold her down.

Lord, grant me the power to apply

this effectively.

- No!

It burns, it burns!

- Eamon, give me the razor.

Take the good book.

- What's this?

- It's the Good Book of Beauty.

I got it at Woman's Way last week.

It's full of useful tidbits.

St. Ireland's patron saint of leg hair, guide my hand.

Shaving foam, now.

What is that?

- It's washing up liquid.

It was the only thing I could find.

- It'll have to do.

- God.

- She's waking up.

- I feel 10 stone lighter.

- You are freed, my child.

- Right, Paddy the Pervert's out there.

Nobody is to tell him we've yellow pack beer.

You know what he's like when he's had a few drinks in him.

- Are you nearly ready?

- Two minutes, Paddy.

- Now, secondly.

Lads, there are strict pool rules, okay?

A, no running around the pool,

B, no drinks around the pool,

and three, most importantly, lads,

no one's to go to the toilet in it.

Right?

There are three perfectly good hedges out there.

For God's sake, lads, use them.

- Would you come on, Eamon?

I don't want to get rickets again like last year.

- Oh, and finally,

due to new EEC regulations,

anybody wearing a peach jumper with white trim

and little dickey bows

and a brown blouse with a white collar

is not allowed to wear that any more,

so you'll have to take that off you, Concepta.

- Oh, right.

Sure, I'll just stay inside.

- No, you can't.

- Why not?

- Because you have to...

- You're to help me with the fry outside.

- You mean barbecue?

- It's a fry outside.

- Oh, yeah, and finally,

this goes for you, Teen Wolf, and your big mouth,

nobody is to say that it's too--

- Yeah, it's too--

- Stop.

What did I just say?

The moment anybody says it's too,

all right, you know what's going to happen.

- Okay.

- Right, let me go check conditions.

It's perfect.

Bridget, .

- Go, go, go!

- No, Father, you have to stay behind and answer the phone,

or, God forbid, someone calls to the door.

- But I'm going to San Francisco in a few weeks

to see the boys.

I can't show up looking like an albino.

- You're grand, Father.

I'll stay in, you go out.

- No, nobody's coming out unless I say so.

Concepta, you have to come out with me

to help me with the fry outside,

and it's going to get very warm,

so you might as well take off all your clothes now.

- But, sure, the only thing I know about barbecues

is that the word comes from the original language

of the Taino people of the Caribbean

and you smoke food over hot charcoals.

- Jesus Christ, you're so stupid.

That has got nothing to do with frying food outside.

Stay in there.

- Shit.

- Where's the pool?

- There.

- That's a paddling pool, Eamon.

- I think you'll find it's an outdoor pool.

- Find it where?

- Written on the box.

- Oh, give me an hour, we'll be drowning ourselves.

- Use the foot pumpers, you--

- Oh, yeah.

- What are you doing out here?

- I wanted to help.

- You can help by waiting in by the phone.

- But, Eamon, the Maynooth reunion.

I wanted to look like a sunswept Andrew Ridgeley.

- I'll Andrew Ridgeley you.

- Eamon!

- Oh, do you like Wham?

- Oh, I love Wham.

- Wham the, back inside of the house.

Pool open.

Splashing, get out.

I don't care which one, get out.

- Which is the shallow end?

- It's happening this end,

so if you're not a strong swimmer,

I'd stay down that end.

- I'll stay down this end.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going to the deep end.

Stay near to the shallow end.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

- I don't want to panic you, Frank,

but there's a floater near your face.

Get out of the water!

- I can't swim!

- Then I'm going after you.

- I can't swim!

- Don't die on me, Frank.

Don't die on me.

I'm not spending the hottest day of the year

in the hospital.

Okay, who didn't hear the rules

about not shitting in the pool?

- Sorry, Eamon.

That was me.

- Okay.

Fair enough, Paddy, you didn't hear the bit about

using the bushes.

- Do you know what?

Maybe this ozone layer yolk is just propaganda.

I think I will take off my tops.

Eamon, can I ask you a question?

I've no bathing suit.

Do you mind if I go topless?

I know we're not in France

and nobody wants to be looking at my 38GG fake breasts.

- No.

- No yes or no no?

- Yes.

- Great.

- Eamon, your mother's on the phone.

She says it's urgent.

- You talk to her, I'm busy.

- No, she says she has to talk to her special boy.

- Tell her I'm dead.

- Jesus, but isn't it fierce close altogether?

- You know what, actually, it's too hot.

Aw!

Shite!

- 90 minutes.

- That's the best summer we've had since 1976.

- Do you know what, I think you've got a bit of a color.

- You've got a bit of a color there too, Bridget.

- Yes, ow, I can feel it coming up now.

- I can feel the color coming up too now,

in a kind of a sickly seeing double dehydrated kind of way.

- I feel that too.

That must be good.

- I think that's sunstroke.

It's very dangerous.

- Jesus, Concepta, sunstroke's only a myth.

- I do feel kind of hot yet cold,

alive yet dying at the same time.

- That's the start of it, Bridget.

You have to treat as many of us as possible.

Get the calomine lotion.

- What about yourself?

- Sure, I'm grand.

I was covered up.

- Concepta, your back!

- What, Bridget, I didn't go anywhere.

- No, your back, it's burned to a crisp.

It's like somebody cut a big hole out of your dress.

Oh my god.

- Oh yeah, that was me.

- Isn't he a gas, take it?

Where did he get the name Paddy the Pervert?

- Oh, you know, like , "the Pervert."

He is a bit of a pervert, though.

- That's interesting.

- Bridget, is she all right?

- I don't know.

Oh, look at you, Frank.

You've got a bit of a color now.

- Do I?

That's great.

- Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.

We're all going to die.

- Not if we act quickly.

- Father, this is no time for stations of the cross.

- No, I did a first aid course back in the mid-60s.

A few renegade priests and myself,

we tried to join the Burkina Faso coup-d'etat,

but we missed the train from Maynooth to Dublin.

Oh, the folly of youth.

- Father, Father, people are dying.

- We need calomine lotion quickly,

but more than anything we need a doctor.

- Let me help.

- You, help?

- Beautiful woman, I can see from your enchanted face

that you are worried.

- What's happening?

- I've seen this kind of thing happen before.

When an Irish man gets a bit of sun,

the vitamin D levels rise up so high in his system

he becomes alert, positive, and, well...

- I want to make love to you

beside wild-grazing deer,

beneath the lush green verdun grass

in the park of the phoenix,

and then in the morning, and then at noon,

and then at teatime,

and then maybe a little time

between the teatime and the nighttime,

and again and again and again

until the OPW tell us to move on.

- In Eamon's case, a little bit Latin.

- Padre, give me the calomine lotion.

Let us save lives here.

- I like this new...

- Eamondo.

- He's lost his memory.

Call an ambulance.

- Shut up.

It's Brigitte.

- Brigitte.

So beautiful.

I feel a great sadness.

This little chica with the grandes

will not make it through the night.

Please, somebody give me a pillow.

I will put her out of her mystery.

- There you go, Eamondo.

- Oh, no, sorry.

No, I'm not dying.

I just have a bit of sunstroke.

- Here, Eamon.

- Please, turn around.

- Oh, okay.

- Oh, the humanity!

I feel so much pain,

a pain that can only be lifted by making love.

- Okay, so let's go upstairs now.

No, Jesus, no.

No, no, you might drop that on yourself.

I'll keep that.

Sure they don't need it.

I need it for myself.

- Bridget, we need to tend to the others.

Give me the lotion.

- No.

- No, he is right.

There is a time for making of the love,

there is a time for ,

and there is a time for MacGyver.

What time does MacGyver start?

- What's happening?

- Oh, it's wearing off.

Thank God.

We need to call him an ambulance and treat others.

- No, no.

- MacGyver, MacGyver.

Is MacGyver on now?

What time is MacGyver on?

- Don't leave me, Eamondo.

- Senorita.

La belladonna.

- Now, Eamondo, you know exactly what I want,

and I'm ready to be treated like a real woman

for the first time ever.

- This, this is so beautiful it makes me want to weep.

I want to caress it with my lips,

but before I do that,

I want to fist it.

Feel this.

Oh, yes.

- No one has ever said such things to me.

Keep going, keep going.

- It is as beautiful as the morning sun.

It is as silky as silk

and it takes like the earth,

the earth in which you rule my world.

- Two words: Derry gold.

You know, you really know how to make one feel special.

Would you like another drink?

- Brigitte, you get me.

You just get me.

You drive-a me crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

♫ Oh, Brigitte

♫ The passion between the sheets

♫ The flames as our love beats

♫ Our love beats

♫ It beats, it beats

This is a load of shite.

This is--

♫ Let's make love

♫ But first we eat

- Let's skip dessert and let's go make love.

- You, senorita, you are dessert.

- No, I have an Arctic roll in the freezer that I made.

- Si, go get the Arctic roll,

but you must bring the jelly.

I love the jelly.

- Oh, I love jelly too.

- I love the jelly,

but not as much as my amante.

- Oh, I love my auntie too.

Not the mental spinster one,

the one that's a bit a crack,

the alcoholic one, you know.

- No, "my amante" means...

It doesn't matter what it means.

You drive me crazy, you lady.

I love you, Brigitte!

- Bridget, this has to stop.

People are dying out there.

I need that lotion.

- Never.

- I shouldn't be dancing at all.

It's probably giving you the impression

that I'm on your side, but I'm clearly not.

Just the heart wants what the heart wants.

Ole!

- Ole!

- Bridget!

Bridget, I need the last drop of calomine lotion.

- No, I need it!

He's going to make love to me like an Italian.

I'm going to have my first and maybe only ever orgasm.

- But I have first and second and third degree burns

on 90% of my body.

- I don't care.

I don't know how I did it,

but I burnt my lady bits,

and nobody likes a burnt rasher, Noreen!

- There's only one way to settle this.

Like adults.

Now.

Now.

- Yes.

Put your arm out, Bridget.

- Just get it over with.

- Now.

- Shite.

- Other arm.

Oh, wait, same arm.

- You don't have to do this, Noreen.

- Now.

Should've shared in the first place, Bridget.

Ah, well, now it's all mine.

- No!

I'm okay.

Keep going.

- But, Bridget, you're bleeding.

- Now!

- Now.

Now.

- Oh, fuck.

- Inside thigh, now.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bridget.

- Inside thigh, now.

Do you know what?

I've changed my mind.

- Oh, really?

- No!

Oh, Eamondo, I've dreamt of this day.

- Dream of the night too.

Dream of the morning.

Dream of the midmorning.

Dream of the lunchtime.

Dream of the teatime.

Dream of various times throughout the day.

My love for you is so passionate.

- I'm going to go and fix my rasher right now.

- Get off!

No, no, no!

No!

- Make it stop!

Bridget, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget!

What shite is going on in here?

- No, Eamondo!

- Who's Eamondo?

- I'll never be happy.

Who's going to make mad, passionate relations with me now?

Not now, Paddy.

- Go out and get me me tea.

I want three Marietta biscuits.

I want to see the butter come up through the holes.

And put on .

Paddy.

Is that smoke?

- Eamondo, it's me, Bridget.

- It's burned me trousers.

- Eamondo!