Original subtitles

- Where's me overcoat?

- If it's not on Our Lady then I don't know where it is.

- Did one of those little shits take it to school again?

When you getting rid of that york?

- That was a present from my Auntie Deidre for our wedding.

And besides she bolted it to the floor.

- I'll get Frank down later on to saw it out.

And I'm gonna be late now with that new road.

Building in a new road.

- It's going be beneficial to the local economy.

I read that.

- Since when did Ireland have an economy, you dope?

Do you know what, it's thicker you're gettin'

with all the readin'.

Hand it over.

Come on, I'm gonna be late, come on.

- But uh, I'll freeze.

- But, but, but, but, but me hole,

hand it over, come on.

- Dear Our Lady, things are very tight

at the moment, maybe you could throw us something,

nothin' fancy.

Maybe, I win a fiver on the lotto.

Or maybe, I get change out of a 20 pound note,

instead of a pound note.

Some digestives instead of those disgusting mariettas, oh.

Anything really, in the name of the father,

and the son, and the holy spirit.

- Howdy, Frank. - Hey.

- I was out with the boss there

and he says you don't have any professional qualifications

to handle explosives.

And you've never heard of Kilsayer in this town.

- Oh yeah, well I'll tell you why,

'cause I blew it off the map, that's why.

And don't be worried about qualifications

or any of that fancy ratin' stuff.

I'll ring the, what do you call it, demolition college

and I'll get them to send you them on, right.

- Okay, so, there's gonna be a blast on the hour,

every hour, for a few weeks.

- Oh.

- Are you up for that?

- Yeah I am, yeah.

As a fellow says, if she's 76 and she's reakin' of piss,

I'll be up in it.

Now carry on, we'll do this, so it's gonna go boom, right.

So, just stand back.

A wee bit farther.

That's perfectly safe now.

- Jesus, yourself, and Joseph.

- Hi, Bridget.

The latest Kays catalog is here.

There's a brand new men's underwear section,

I'm sure we can find something for Eamon, in fact,

I've earmarked a few pages already.

- Father.

- There's a, something we need to tell you.

- Jesus Christ, are Wham breaking up?

- No, it's something that you, especially,

would be interested in.

- There's been a miracle.

- Did you finally buy a round of drinks in the pub, Eamon?

- That is funny.

No father, the statue of Our Lady is moving.

- No it isn't.

- It is, it's a genuine miracle.

- No, it isn't.

- I was kneeling in front of our cold stand,

which is actually a five foot, six inch statue of Our Lady,

and she did a little wave.

- No, she didn't.

- She did like this.

- I saw it meself.

- No, you didn't.

- We did.

- You didn't.

- We did.

- What was she trying to tell you?

- She was trying to say, hello, you have such lovely hair.

- It possibly wasn't that.

- Okay, look, you know those other

moving statues around Ireland?

- Yes.

- Well, they're not moving either.

What I'm trying to say is the continuing role of

Mary in apparitions in Irish popular culture

is a reflection of psychological insecurity

that stems largely from adverse childhood experiences,

and a collection of historical, cultural, political,

religious, and sociological factors.

- Yeah, our one in there moves.

- Like this.

- Please don't tell anyone about this.

- Yeah, maybe he's right.

Don't want half the town around here thinkin'

they can cure their piles by touching it.

- Sure, I've told no one.

Nearly no one, it's almost the same thing.

- There Miss Hodger, discount.

- What're you doin' Bridget?

I was gonna have them watchin' Magnum, P.I.

- Shut up.

There she goes, I can see her moving.

- Yeah, I can see her moving now too.

- Her leg?

- Yeah, it's her leg.

My varicose veins are momentarily better.

- Quick, someone grab a ball, she wants to kick a ball.

- Concepta, she's the Madonna, not Maradona you tick,

why would she wanna kick a ball?

Nothin', no, she moves on the hour, every hour,

between 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.

- Uh, it's a minute for, we'll wait.

- Is that her knee going?

- Yeah.

- No, we wait.

- Oh Bridget, oh wouldn't it be marvelous to have

a memento or a souvenir to mark the occasion?

- Oh you're after eatin' all the biscuits.

- What about your phone book that's

resting against the statue?

I'd give you four pounds for that.

- Done, get the money off her.

- Oh!

- I wanna see Jesus, I wanna buy, buy, buy.

Come on, come on.

Scatter, scatter, scatter, scatter.

This is all wrong, this is all wrong, ohh!

That's a mother and child green marble holy water fountain.

How much have you there?

Yeah, it's that much, go on.

- Eamon, Eamon,

the BBC, the BBC are comin' to make a documentary about us.

I don't want you makin' a show of me, that's their job.

- Me great grandfather fought them,

me grandfather fought them, me father fought them,

and the mother had a go at the as well.

I can tell you one thing, the BBC,

I'll take no shite from them.

- In Ireland's midlands lies a sleepy little

village that no one has heard of.

This hamlet is unremarkable in every single way.

At least it was until three weeks ago.

You, local uneducated man, did you see the statue move?

- Uh yes sir, I did sir.

Every hour on the hour, Monday through Friday,

um, with a half day on Saturday, sir.

And it may or may not cure your pain sir.

And my goodness, thank you, sir.

- Are you from the BBC?

- Yes.

- In England?

- Yes.

- The BBC in England.

- Yes.

- Would you like a mint biscuit?

- You shut up, Bridget.

Would you like a biscuit, sir?

- Local simpleton, Bridget, brings flowers

to the statue of the Virgin Mary

that she discovered moves every hour, on the hour,

8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., Monday to Friday,

with a half day on Saturday.

Since that day, people have been flocking to the site,

hoping to be cured.

- I had a rash on the inside of my leg.

I saw the statue move, and it went

to the outside of my leg.

- However, the Catholic church's stance

is quite ambivalent.

- Direct supernatural intervention in the affairs of man

is a very rare occurrence.

So, common sense should advise caution in this instance

but, the heart wants what the heart wants,

like a young, struggling artist in Paris,

who befriends a wealthy, older American lady.

Oh she looks down her nose at him at first

but once she sees what he can do with his hands, she--

- In one of the worst years for the little, naive

Irish economy, it has come as a welcome relief to some.

- A lot of people are saying it's a money making scheme sir,

aye but that couldn't be farther from the truth, sir.

- But you have started a gift shop.

- Only to give people the opportunity

to pass on the gift of seeing Our Lady

to others who couldn't have been here,

or those who just want to remember their visit right here.

Hence, the gift shop.

- But you charge for the items?

- Only to cover our costs sir, and the many costs

we might or might not occur in the future, sir.

- That's known as a profit, is it not?

- No sir, no, no, and we call it the holy leftover, sir.

- Oh it's been great, husbands have returned to wives,

and wives have returned to husbands,

but we don't want it to become a big circus,

though I do have one at the back ready to go.

- Stop talkin'.

Hey, head scarf, no touchin'.

You'll give it piles doin' that.

- Okay we have to hurry, right,

I have to be back at work at two o'clock on the dot,

or the gaffer gets his knickers in an awful twist.

I'll have Mick cover for me tomorrow, all right.

So keep me two tickets for the 10 o'clock showing.

Bringin' Miss McCurdle.

It's a barely.

87, she can only stay awake for about 10 minutes at a time

these days, so it makes the old

a bit hurry you know?

- What?

- Huh?

- When did you get a job?

- Ah, yeah, I started up in the quarry,

blowin' up the roads.

Sendin' massive tremors throughout the town, Eamon.

Every hour, on the hour, boom!

8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., boom, Monday to Friday, boom!

And half day Saturday, so, boom.

Come where.

Boom!

- Oh, shite.

It's not real, didn't really happen.

- Oh it did happen, and I have six seconds to prove it.

- No, not that, the statue inside,

it doesn't move of its own accord.

It's the builders down in the quarry,

they're forcin' the ground to move,

oh, how could I have been so stupid?

I can understand you being stupid,

like being stupid is your thing.

- I have a thing, oh great.

You're a pain in the hole, that's your thing.

But why do you have to ruin everything on me?

- I'm not ruinin' it on you, Frank told me, you simpleton.

- Eamon, I have three tour buses due to arrive.

I have 800 sandwiches made, and I have two of the kids

nearly sold to the Americans that arrived yesterday.

So, the show is going to go on, we're just going to have to,

pretend.

- You're not going to pretend.

- Aren't I Eamon, aren't I?

Oh, oh, oh Eamon, it's so bouncy, bouncy,

oh, oh I just love these new tires

that you put on the car with all our savings.

Oh I love it, I love it.

- You liked those tires.

- I didn't.

- You did.

- I didn't.

- You did.

- I didn't.

- Well it looked like you did.

- Exactly, you imbecile.

So we're going to go out there and pretend

that it moves.

- Not if I

have anything to do with it.

- Shize.

- Not if I have anything to do with it.

- You already said that.

- I just thought I'd say it again, it's more dramatic.

- Oh father, please don't tell anybody, please.

I'll do anything.

Those black stilettos

that you borrowed last month, you can keep them.

- Bridget, how dare you.

Those were wedge heels, not stilettos, as I'm no hussy.

- Think about it, father, like you're not harmin' anybody.

Why is that statue in there moving?

- Because of the quarry.

- No father, like who wanted the new road to be built?

- The county counsel.

- No, who got Frank that new job?

- The contractor who acquired the quarry.

- No, who wanted that rock to be blasted?

- The road builders, Eamon where are you going with this?

- Where did we get the money for the new road?

- The EEC and their development fund.

- Yeah, and the EEC is Europe, and who created Europe?

- Um, the tectonic movements of pangean plates.

- Who forced the world's crust to move together?

Come on, say it.

- I don't know.

- You do know.

Who created all the world's known facts

that eventually made that statue move, say it.

- I can't.

- You can.

- Don't make me.

- Say it, do it.

- God.

- Yes, God.

And God created tectonics and dinosaurs and the EEC

and whatever other shite to make that statue in there move.

- Eamon, that's a very tenuous link,

no one's gonna believe a made up story like that.

And should know, I'm a priest.

- What about the Balingkempt Virgin,

the Weeping Tree of Bagnostown, the Holy Toaster of Tubacary

the Praying Donkey of Dondorked,

the Flimsy Fairy of Freshford, what about them?

- They were approved, Eamon.

Nothing moves without the mafia's approval.

- The Cosa Nostra.

- No, I'm talking about the Moving Apparitions

For Ireland Association, M-A-F-I-A, MAFIA.

- Well you can tell the MAFIA

they can come here if they want.

- I have, Sister Donna Cora Loaney is in your good room now.

- How'd she get in there?

- She's the MAFIA, Eamon, you can't stop the MAFIA.

- You're close enough, you're probably wondering

why I'm in your house.

- You're the MAFIA.

- Very good, Bridget.

Let me be frank, you never asked for my friendship before.

Do you want to be my friend?

- Yes.

- Very good.

You see, you need our help.

- Do we?

- Yes, you do.

When I see honest people like yourselves

makin' enemies, they be my enemy,

and then they would fear you.

- Be our friend.

- Of course I'll be your friend.

You, what is your expected growth in year two?

- 12,000 in visitor fees, 14,000 in souvenirs,

that's 24,000 and 20.

- What're you doing for marketing?

- Constant mass mentions,

we do a full spread in the parish newsletter,

and I drove to Naas and told everybody in the post office.

- Can you grow it?

- Yeah, we could but right now we'd prefer to

concentrate on this one.

But if another opportunity arose, uh--

- How do you make her hand move?

- Our lord does.

- Horse piss.

- The holy spirit?

- Donkey piss.

- Hope.

Hope, Sister Donna Cora Loaney.

That's what moves her hand,

and it's movin' people in there too.

- Okay.

We're willing to offer you,

well to take 70% of everything you earn.

- Can we talk about it?

- No, I'll be back here tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.

to see our investment in action.

In the meantime, we're takin' all your holy leftovers.

Sorry, cash.

You'll get it back if the statue checks out.

But if it doesn't.

- They're comin' today at three.

- Oh, and I have a terrible feeling about this.

Father Gabriel said they did unspeakable things

to the people who lied about the

Praying Badger of Tomyboris.

- Will you stop worrying!

- Well.

- Why aren't you in work?

- I finished up today.

The quarry's gone, it's closed, kaput.

No more boom.

- What?

I told you somethin' goin' to happen.

- Frank, you have to do another explosion

today at three, you have to.

- No can do, Eamon.

They're dead strict about it.

- Oh no.

There's only one thing for us.

I know someone that can do an explosion for us.

But it's gonna be tricky.

- Who?

- The ARA.

- Oh they're good, yeah.

- Oh yes.

- Uh, Martin, Jimmy, Not Donal, we bought you

three pints of Bass.

- Dammit, I'll go back to the trade

and test the ballot lever.

- Sit down.

What can I do for you, Eamon?

- Listen Jimmy, I'm gonna cut straight to the chase here.

Need an explosion done at three o'clock today.

- Whoa, whoa.

At least buy me a drink first.

- We did.

- So you did.

But Eamon, what makes you think

I know anything about explosions?

- Well you're, you're in the--

- Be-be-be very, very, very, very careful there.

Be very careful.

A lot of people think that Big Tom is in the Mainliners,

but he's not, it's Big Tom and the Mainliners.

- The explosion, Jimmy.

- Why would you come knockin' on my door about explosions?

You know, you know when you ring a doorbell,

you know you ring the doorbell and you're not sure

whether the people inside have heard you or not.

So, you ring it again, and then you think, oh no,

oh no I've rang it too much now.

- Classic.

- I don't get it.

- Oh man, and then you wait, and then they come out,

they're out then, and they're lookin' at you goin',

what are you doin' ringin' the doorbell

so many times, what are you on?

- We have money.

- 73 pounds.

- 70, 70,

where are 73 pounds,

where'd you get that kinda money?

- We have holy left, we have profits.

Profits.

- Did you say three o'clock,

and that you were buyin' three more pints of Bass?

Is that what I heard you sayin'?

- Hop up to the bar there, Bridget,

get three more pints of Bass.

I'll go with ya.

Where am I gonna get 73 pounds?

The MAFIA took all the holy leftovers.

I don't know who's worse, the MAFIA or the ARA.

- I was going to give him two pounds

out of the children's money boxes.

You're the one that said 73 pounds, you dope.

Where are we gonna get that kind of money?

- How are you today, you wouldn't have a few quid

for the kids sir, they made their communion today.

- All of them?

- Yep.

- Even that one, she seems a bit old.

- Ah, she stayed behind a few times.

- I look forward class.

- Eh, Jimmy, about the money.

Um, you know we said 73 pounds, but--

- We only have 60.

- Aw, that's a shame, the date is off then.

Speaking about things that are off,

why is it, no, why is it that when you taste milk

and it's gone off, you always go,

here, try that to someone else?

You make someone else test the gone off milk too.

You already know it's off.

I mean, do you got me?

What is it with that?

- Bridget you're gonna have to stand behind it and move it.

Come in, it's great that nothin' terrible happened to you

on the way over isn't it?

- Where's Bridget?

- She's in the kitchen, puttin' the kettle on.

- Is it nearly time?

- Yep, it's nearly time now.

Five seconds before it moves now, here we go.

She's gonna move now, now.

There she moved and she stopped instantly

like she always does, there you go, now she moved.

- Holy smoke, she's smokin'.

She must want us to start smokin'.

Somebody get me a cigarette.

- It's a pity we didn't get to see Bridget.

- Yeah it is, but she's in the kitchen

puttin' the kettle on.

Uh, huh, huh, huh, huh, out!

You put the kettle on,

you don't put a kettle, out!

Oh the smoke, the smoke, smoke, smoke,

she loves her smokin'.

I've always said to her, Bridget, put it out!

Bridget's my wife, who's in the kitchen

puttin' the kettle on, not behind this statue,

or I'd be saying to her, Bridget, put the tea out!

- Oh, Bridget out.

Are they gone, did we fool them?

- Oh my god.

You appeared out from behind the statue

while simultaneously being in the kitchen at the same time.

It's another miracle.

- Would anybody like

a holy moving statue pink wafer?

- Bridget, Eamon, I don't think we're going to have

a long and fruitful partnership, do you?

I'm taking all your donations and cafe earnings.

And if you try anything like this again,

I personally will break the fifth commandment.

- Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife.

- Thou shall not kill.

- I saw it move.

- No you didn't, Concepta,

it was the explosions in the quarry on the hour,

every hour between 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.

Monday to Friday, with a half day on Saturday

that made it move.

- No, I saw it move just there.

She gave her leg a little kick,

like she wanted to line out with a full forward.

I'd say she'd even make county.

- Yeah, we seen her too, we seen,

didn't we, Miss McCurdle, huh?

Look at that, she can barely contain herself.

- Me too, I saw it move.

Look I'm been gettin' me whole since that statue

started moving, and I can tell you

it's very dull around here, so no one,

no one is gonna tell me that the statue isn't movin'.

- No, none of you saw it move, it's all in your imagination,

you're believing in makey-uppy stuff.

- Stop, you leave me with no choice.

The MAFIA will approve this movin' statue.

- You know Martin, Bridget and Eamon, they get my humor.

Maybe we'll do them a wee favor, just this once.

- Oh, the hope this statue has brought to the whole town.

Maybe we'll even get a phone box in the middle of the town.

Maybe even a swimming pool.

What about an airport ?

That would never happen.

It's going to transform our simple little lives forever.

Unless somethin' really disastrous happens.

- Whoops, looks like Martin used a bit too much fertilizer.

- Jimmy Terra McAdam, so is true,

you are one of the paramilitaries.

- Here, if you get him to admit that,

that'll be a miracle.

- Not gonna happen.

- You're the funny one, Mar.

- It's the way I tell 'em.

- Bridget!

Bridget, where are ya?

- Well, rebuilt exactly the way it was.

Oh, why did we spend all the money from the statue

rebuilding this old house, I hate this house.

We coulda moved to Naas.

- Well there's no point to tellin' me that now, is there?

And get rid of him.

- How?

- Do yous two not owe me for that wee favor?

Come here, true story, so I'm in a bank anyway,

and I'm pullin' a pair of lady's tights over my face

for no particular reason, when I ripped 'em.

Now did you ever think to yourself,

how come, when you rip a pair of tights

it's called a ladder, but when you break a ladder,

it's not called a tight, is it?

It's hilarious, isn't it?

And see Bronski Beat,

what in the name of god is goin' on there?

What's goin' on with Jimmy Somerville's hair?