Original subtitles

- Hey, it don't look that big.

Just give me a minute, man.

- Bridget!

Phone!

Phone!

- I told you not to swallow that!

- Phone!

- You little-- - Bridget!

Phone!

Phone!

Bridget, the phone!

Phone!

Phone!

Phone!

Phone!

- Hello, 3257 double 8.

Hello?

Hello?

Eamon, get out here now!

- What?

- I didn't get it.

- You did. - I didn't.

- You did, Bridget.

- I didn't, I missed it.

- You miss mass, Bridget.

You miss sick people on the Late Late Show.

You don't miss the phone.

I told you from in there it was ringing, you simpleton!

- What was I supposed to do, Eamon?

The child was choking, I had to do something.

He's the only one that looks old enough to buy my fags.

- You do realize, there is no way we can ever

find out who it was that called?

- Yes.

- Who called, Bridget?

- I don't know.

- You do know.

Who called?

- I don't know who called.

Oh, God, I can't take it.

It's going to haunt me till the day I die.

It'll be like, "Who was that person

"that knocked on the door last August?"

or "Who left those filthy magazines

"in the bathroom two Sundays ago?"

They were disgusting!

- I told you.

I was sitting down doing my business

when a bird flew in and dropped them two magazines

at my feet.

- I know.

We can just ring around to a few of the neighbors

and see if it was them.

- On our phone?

- Uh!

- Our bill was 13 pounds last month, Bridget.

13 pounds.

You're ringing no one.

- It doesn't really matter.

It's only a missed call.

- So you're happy to live out the rest

of your life not knowin' who called?

- Yes, I'm totally, totally fine.

- I'm fine, too.

- I said I was fine first.

- Fine, you can be fine.

I'm fine.

- We'll just get on with our lives.

- Never talkin' about it ever again, ever again.

Mr. V. Pyong Yong, do you know him?

- No, no.

- That's the P's.

Mr. J. Pizzazz, do you know him?

- No.

Wait!

No.

- Do you know him or not?

- No, no, no.

- Okay, on to the Q's.

Actually, skip the Q's.

You don't know any Q's.

- I went out with Quiggy once.

- Well, it's not him.

- Or her.

Your face.

- Well, it's not him.

- And why not?

- Because nobody who has ever known you would ever call you!

- Thank you everybody for coming in our hour of need.

We may never know who called.

- Have you tried dialing --

- Shut up, Concepta.

- Do you know, ever since I got these

fake 38 double G breasts, it's like nobody listens

to what I haver to say anymore.

- Didn't hear a word of that.

Nice tits, by the way, though.

- Thanks, Eamon.

But seriously, have you tried dialing --

- Go home, Concepta!

The thing is, it could be somebody from this very town!

- Or it could've been that new hotel

from the next town over.

Sure, they're calling everyone, trying to sell you rooms.

It's called marketing.

- Marketing?

Well, they can keep their marketing and their fax machines.

That's never gonna take off, marketing.

I can tell you one thing, I'm never, ever,

ever settin' foot in that hotel!

Let me reiterate that.

I am never, ever, ever settin' foot in that hotel!

- We're going to that hotel.

- I just categorically stated that

I'm not settin' foot in the place, Bridget.

- If you want to know who called, we're going to have to...

Investigate.

- This is Eamon.

He works in a semi-state body.

He's quite a guy.

This is Bridget.

She's gorgeous and she smokes a lot!

By the way, I look after 'em,

which isn't easy 'cause when they met, it was murder,

reduced to manslaughter on appeal.

- Bridget?

Bridget?

Bridget!

Are you having your Hart To Hart fantasy again?

I told you, television isn't real!

You can't tell the difference!

- We're goin'.

Now...

Here's what's going to happen.

I'm Stephanie Powers and I'm a journalist

from the Travel section of the Farmer's Journal

and I'm here to review the hotel.

You, I've never met before and we both check

into separate rooms.

- I'm not payin' for two separate rooms.

- Anyway, so we go around and we ask around

who may have called.

Later on in the night, one of us sneaks

into the other person's room for a secret rendezvous

to exchange information, most definitely have relations.

- That's the exact plot of an episode of Hart To Hart,

where a married couple pretend they're unmarried

and investigate murders in American

country clubs and ski resorts.

- Oh, oh!

And you have the better idea?

- Yeah, I do, actually.

We could...

I, I could...

I'm not ridin' ya.

- Hello.

- Desi, the hotel manager.

- Desi, oh!

My name is Stephanie Powers.

Oh, you've never met me before.

Although, I may have a passing resemblance to a woman

with six to eight children from the next town over.

Now, I'm from the Farmer's Journal, Travel section,

and I'm here to review your delightful hotel.

I do hope you got my call confirming my free room.

- I'm not sure if we did.

We do have the phones in and we usually keep a record

of all the calls coming in and out.

I'll tell you what...

Why don't you swing by my office later on

and we can give it the once over?

- Oh, I'd love to get my head stuck right up

into your phone records.

- I'm sure you would, Mrs. Powers.

- Miss! - Oh!

- It's miss, miss, miss!

- Well, here's your key, Miss Powers

and let me know if you have any trouble fitting

into your slot.

- I did get a set of keys lost up there once.

Got 'em out eventually.

- I'll take a room, too, please.

- Certainly, mister?

- Eamon, Wagner!

- Eamon Wagner?

- No.

Wagner Wagner.

- Wagner Wagner?

- Yeah, Wagner Wagner.

- Okay, Mr. Wagner Wagner,

a single room is 15 pounds per night.

- 15 pounds a night?

I don't want to buy the...

Say, Diam, Diam-pee-hina, Di-hemp,

Di-hempna, Di-hyphnen, Di-hemp-in-nah-men-ah.

- Dymphna. - Dymphna.

What's a crazy guy like myself gotta do

around here for a free room?

- Here's your key.

You can go to your room now.

- You know, we could split it.

Seven pound 50 each.

- Excuse me, are you having a stroke?

- No, why would I be having a...

- Keep your back good and straight.

- Desi!

- Ah!

- Desi!

- So glad you could join us for a game, Miss Powers.

- Oh, thanks, Desi.

Please call me Stephanie.

Now, while I have you, you wouldn't happen

to have called anybody in the next town over,

around three o'clock the other day?

- No, I don't think so.

Stephanie, you certainly know how to grip a shaft.

- Thanks, Desi, so do you.

Do you have much experience in gripping shafts?

- I assume you've played swingball before?

- Let's just say, when I see swinging balls,

I like to give 'em a good hard whack!

- I hope you don't mind,

I invited Mr. Wagner Wagner to play, too.

Mixed doubles?

- Sorry, had to go home and get the gear.

Haven't worn it since secondary school.

Still fits me like a glove.

- Yes, it's certainly a stimulating outfit.

What do you think, Stephanie?

- No balls, please.

- You can't, it's attached the oak.

- It certainly is.

- Very good.

Alright, Wagner and Dymphna versus myself and Stephanie.

Ah, 15, love.

Ooh, advantage, Wagner.

Well played, Wagner.

- Say, Desi, have you ever called anybody's house

and you don't know them, and you hung up

before they had a chance to answer?

- I'd like to know the answer to that

perfectly reasonable question, too.

- Oh!

Well, pardon my French,

but I believe it's time to change ends.

- Home run!

- Well, I guess that's game, set and match,

Mr. Wagner Wagner, for now.

Stephanie, I hope to see a lot more of you later.

- Oh, you will, unless you get blinded

in some horrific workplace accident or something.

What're you doing, making a show of us?

I had him this close to admitting it was him

that called us the other day.

- I'm making a show of us?

Oh, Desi, I'd love to serve an ace in your hole.

That's a mixed metaphor, Bridget!

- Shut up!

I'm doing it so we find out who called!

Now, keep your eyes open, keep asking questions

and we rendezvous after lights out.

- Well, what did you find out?

Bridget, take your hand away from there.

Bridget, take your hand away from there.

Bridget!

- Oh, my God!

Mr. Wagner!

- Desi, what're you doing here?

- I thought this was Miss Powers room.

- It was, I made her switch.

There was a weird smell comin' from the wardrobe.

Desi, take your hand away from there.

Desi, take your hand away from there!

- Oh, my God.

- No, I'm sorry, I didn't like that.

I tried it once, it's just not for me.

Thanks.

- What's going on in here?

- I think you know, Mr. Wagner Wagner,

if that is in fact your real name.

Of course, it could be.

There are some very unimaginable parents nowadays,

but you never seem to answer to it, do you, Mr. Wagner?

- Who are you talkin' to?

- You!

I'm talkin' to you!

- Oh, this is worse than talkin' to her.

Why did you come into me room?

- I thought I was going into Stephanie slash

Bridget's room and Dymphna into yours.

You see, myself and Dymphna are lovers

and we thought you'd be interested in some earth-shaking,

no strings attached fabulous sex.

- Well, I can guarantee you now, 110%,

we have no interest in any of that old muck.

Isn't that right, Bridget?

- Yes, ish.

- Well, now you know I killed my wife.

- What?

- You killed Di-nemph-nemph, Duke-en-emph, you killed her?

- No, my wife!

Who found out about myself and Dymphna,

and who I murdered, then put in that wardrobe over there,

who admittedly is starting to smell a bit.

- Oh, that's the smell!

Oh, it's not.

- And now you know, and so...

Pack your bags, Bridget and Eamon.

It's time for you to check out.

- But you said we didn't have to check out 'til 12.

- No, it means he's going to kill us!

- Are ya? Are you gonna kill us?

- Yes.

- Ah, shite!

- Before you kill us, just answer us.

Was it you that rang our house a couple of days ago

at 3:00 p.m. and didn't have the --

- And hung up before we could answer it.

- No, of course not.

- Oh!

- Now you know about the dead wife, so --

- Hold on.

Can I get my room for free?

- Yes?

- Then I couldn't give a shite about your dead wife.

- Oh, grand, so my mistake.

You know actually, this reminds me of a funny mistake

I made the other day.

- This is funny.

- Don't interrupt me, Dymphna!

- Yeah, Dim, yeah, you don't want to end up like the wife.

- Oh, that's good!

- Dead.

- Dead.

He's likely to do it again to ya.

- Oh, very good.

Anyway, so there I was.

I was watching a bit of television

and I thought I heard the phone ringin'.

So up I pop, go to the phone to answer it only to realize,

it's the bloody phone ringin' in the television.

You couldn't make that up, could ya?

You really couldn't!

- Bridget, the phone!

- Todd, would you just answer the phone?

- Gonna get it now.

I've got the phone.

- Oh, shite!

That's typical of you, Bridget.

You should've known it was the phone on the telly.

- Thank God that's all over!

Let's never mention that missed call ever again.

- It's okay, lads.

At ease!

- I hate it, motherfucker!

May get involved.

- What're they doing here?

- In case the phone goes off again.

- Come on.

- Oh, no.

I think it's maybe time to tell them that

it was the phone on the telly that was ringin'.

- You're out of your mind, the Army are here.

- Frank.

- Well, we had to organize a press conference,

right, to get the appeal of it nice and airy,

you know what I mean?

- The appeal?

- Yeah, so we can't keep the press waitin'.

- Why?

- I don't know, it's just something

that people say, isn't it?

But come here, don't worry about that.

Look, I have prepared for you a statement to read out, okay?

It's simple, right?

The red bits are for you, Eamon, yeah?

The blue bits are for you, Bridget, yeah?

The green bits are for the two

of you to read together, okay?

The black bits, don't worry about them.

They're my personal notes.

Don't read them, okay?

There you go.

- Oh, that's very clear.

- It is, yeah.

You'd be lookin' at it and you'd be goin',

"How'd I do that?

"How did I write in four different colors?"

You'd be goin', "Four different pens!"

No, you'd be wrong.

You'd be wrong.

Feast your eyes on this.

This is the future.

What will they come up with next, huh?

Your mind is blown, your mind is blown.

Pick a color, just any color.

Pick a color.

- Uh, purple.

- Bridget, Bridget!

- Eamon!

- Bridget, Bridget!

- Eamon, Eamon, Eamon!

- Okay, okay, relax, relax.

Settle, everyone, settle.

Right, before we take any questions,

Bridget and Eamon are going to do an appeal.

- No.

No, we're not.

We're going to all forget about it and go home.

- No, no, we're not!

I was up half the night doing that.

- Not long ago, our lives changed forever.

- You always think these types of things

will never happen to you, but to other people.

Today, we became the other people.

- At approximately 3:00 p.m., our phone rang.

Get emotional now, Bridget.

- Don't do the black bits.

- Myself and Eamon leave a pause for dramatic effect.

- That's a black bit.

- Myself and Eamon missed a telephone call.

We have no idea who it could be.

Please, if you have any information,

contact the Garrity's station, um,

three double two not zero, anytime after Alf,

between the News for the Deaf and MC Giver.

- MacGyv, MacGyver.

Any information, no matter how big or small,

could lead to finding the bastard who did it.

That's a bit strongly worded, isn't it?

- Let's not miss this opportunity.

- Let's not miss this opportunity.

- Pause.

- Hold hands. - Black bit!

- I'm not holdin' her hand,

I'm not holdin' her hand!

- It's going too far!

Eamon!

Taken that Father gave up his precious time.

If he finds out he missed Dynasty

for nothin', he'll be livid.

- Lord, let our caller, who I imagine is from Dublin,

with a, sort of a, raspy voice, with such dulcet tones.

He's struggling with his inner turmoil.

He wants to call back, he knows it's wrong,

but the heart wants what the heart wants!

- Jesus Christ.

- Yes, Eamon.

Jesus Christ, well done.

Please, Jesus, send us a sign or even

some heavy breathing to keep us going.

Lord, hear us.

- Lord, graciously, graciously hear us.

- Bridget, we need to speak to you and Eamon in private.

We've had a major breakthrough in the case.

- How could you?

- What?

- Be more brillianter at your job.

That's what she was going to say, wasn't it?

- Oh, brilliant.

- Come on, in the kitchen.

- Okay.

♫ Jesus Christ is Lord

- We got them.

- Who?

- The caller.

After extensive investigation,

we've reason to believe the person

who called your house two nights ago...

Was this man.

- Henry Kelly?

- Yeah, that's him.

We've had him down at the station the past seven hours,

it's definitely him.

- Going For Gold, Henry Kelly?

- Yeah, that's him.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, Henry Kelly from Going For Gold,

who lives in London?

- Yes, Eamon.

- Let me get this right.

Henry Kelly, from Going For Gold, who lives in London,

who hosts a quiz show, right, where foreign people,

with a limited knowledge of the English language,

take on people from England, whose first language

is English, and therefore, subsequently, have no chance

of winning that quiz at all, whatsoever, that Henry Kelly?

- Yes.

Well, I kind of say, maybe 90% or, well, 15%, I'd say.

Look, you're going to have to come down

to the station to identify him.

- I'll get the passports.

The passports!

Did I say that?

I meant handbag.

Where would we be runnin' off to?

- Was he in an accident?

- Good one, Eamon.

An accident!

We'll use that one, Paul, huh?

An accident!

Good one!

- Very good, Eamon.

And sure, accidents happen around here all the time.

- Oh, my God, his beautiful face!

- Which would almost be difficult for you to see him face

to face, but we just need you to identify the ring.

- Oh, no.

No, please, not again.

Look, I've already told you --

- Ring the phone, Henry!

- I don't know who you want me to call, alright?

- We know you know the number!

- I do not know!

- Ring it!

- I don't know, I've never --

- Ring it like you did that night!

- I didn't ring anybody!

- Ring it!

- We'll keep working on him.

You go home and stay by the phone, in case it's not him.

I mean, sure, we're 15% certain that it is.

But you know, stranger things have happened.

- Please!

Oh, God!

- Ring it!

- It's no use.

Why don't we all just forget about it?

You can all go home!

- Do you know what, I normally wouldn't agree

with Bridget, but she's dead right.

None of you have any reason to be here now anymore, right?

Why don't we forget the whole thing?

We can all go home and live out the rest of our lives

in silent anguish, occasionally taking it out on the kids?

- Yes.

- Can't do that, Eamon.

This is personal now.

- Why don't you just ring --

- The bastard's neck!

- Aye.

- You're right, Concepta!

- Or you could say, we don't have any actual

evidence against you, so just go on home and forget

about the brutal beatings we gave you?

- No, no.

Why don't you ring one four seven one?

- 1,471?

- Yes!

Ring that number!

- You know lots of big numbers, don't you, Concepta?

Good girl!

Why don't you go out in the road there

and kick a ball around?

- Listen to me!

When I got my telecommunications diploma from Colonel ROTC,

I learned that if you dial one four seven one

on the phone, it automatically rings back

the person who originally rang you!

- Oh, she's right!

I remember the old sergeant doin' it one night,

when he was convinced Terry Wogan rang.

- That's right!

The beatin' he gave him.

Turns out it wasn't Terry Wogan at all.

Come on, Eamon!

Up you go.

- Okay, before I ring one four seven one,

I want to tell you all a very funny story.

- Do.

- Yeah, I will.

I remember this fella who thought the phone...

Ringing on the telly was the phone ringin' in the house.

- What was his name?

- Shh.

- He must've been a total gob-say, was he?

- Christ, a real man would never live that down.

Did his friends beat the shit out of him, Eamon,

for being so stupid?

- I would.

- I wonder how long we could stand around

just thinking about things like...

Rabbits or industrial disputes.

Ages probably.

Ages.

- Ring it, Eamon!

- Yeah, it was Henry Kelly.

- Great!

I won!

- Who am I?

I'm a character from Carnation Street,

the popular soap that was aired only in the U.K.,

and not anywhere at all in Europe.

My first name is Hilda.

- Eamon, do you think I should call the guards

and tell them about your man, Desi, who murdered his wife?

- On our bill?

Yeah, I would sure mind.

You can walk down to the Garrity station.

I'll tell you what you can do first.

You can put the dinner on

before you go solvin' murder cases.

- Germany.

- This is not fair!

We do not have your English TV program in Deutschland!

- Jesus, the Germans are first take, aren't they?

Imagine calling one of your kids Hans.

Oh, hello, Hands.

- Hans.

- Hands, Bridget.

- Hans!

Hans!

Hans, as in Hans Sandwich, you dope.