Original subtitles

- I love Charlie Haughey, he's so mad, you know?

I was talking to a fellow down the pub, what's his name now?

Lovely fella, can't think of him.

Anyway, I love talking to him.

He was saying that Charlie Haughey changes

the tires on his car every six months, isn't that amazing?

I love new tires, you know that?

Love them.

- Love, love, love love love love love.

You never tell me you love me.

- Why would I do that?

- I'm your wife, Eamon.

- Okay.

I'm gonna say this to you, but I'm only ever

gonna say it to you the once,

I'm never gonna tell you that I love ya,

I told you on the night of our wedding that I liked ya.

- That's not enough, Eamon, it's not enough!

- Do you know what, there is one part

of you though, that I do love.

That black puddin' that you're holding.

- Too far.

- Why would I stick it in me?

Caught ya!

Can a man not fall asleep in his own home anymore,

without his wife trying to steal his wallet,

three to four times a week?

- You give me no choice Eamon.

Trying to get money out of you

is like trying to remember the six

to eight children's names, it's impossible!

- Didn't I just lash out five pounds

on the young lad's appendix?

- Get out, out! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Shoo, get out.

He's a weirdo.

- Probably shouldn't have got Frank to do it.

- Eamon, if you don't give me 15 pounds

to fix my hair, I'll call the guards

and I'll tell them about that hit and run!

- I did your mother a favor,

that's the last time she'll sit out in

the front of her house again.

15 pound for a haircut, Jesus Christ,

who'll be looking at ya?

- This is the 1980s, no one, and I mean no one,

has a bad haircut.

- Get the scissors, I'll cut it for you.

Get the scissors!

Go on, get the scissors!

- Not again, no, no, no, please, Eamon no.

- Oh Jesus.

- What?

- Nothin, nothin'.

Stop cryin'!

- I won't cry, I won't cry.

- Okay, all done now.

- It's so short and wispy at the front,

and long and scraggy at the back.

I love it, how did you get it so choppy changey?

- 15 pound.

- No problem.

Eamon, keep the change!

- Thanks.

That's my wallet.

Keep the change.

- Girls are going to be mad jealous.

- Under no circumstances are you to tell anyone

that I cut your hair, I'd be a laughing stock.

- I can keep a secret Eamon.

Sure, I tell nobody that sometimes in the middle of

the night, you shout out Marty Whelan's name in

a funny voice, I keep that to myself.

- He is a handsome man.

Just keep your mouth shut!

- Got it, I'll keep my mouth shut,

I won't say a thing.

What do you take me for Eamon?

Tell people.

I just love it.

- Eamon, we want a hair--

- What, it's not my fault that

the advertisement I put in the parish newsletter,

or the radio ad I did made people show up.

How is that my fault, how, how?

- I'm not cuttin' their hair Bridget,

I'm not listening to them shite on.

- They're willin' to pay 17 pounds a haircut Eamon,

17 pounds, 'cause you're a man!

So suck it up, and plow into those bushes

like you've never plowed before.

Go, go, go!

- Come on in 17 pounds, sorry, ladies.

There's a day's work in that bush, yeah?

- She's pregnant!

- Oh, that's nice.

Sorry, Eamon, I'd like it a bit

more Krystle Carrington on the top.

- What's that?

- Krystle.

- You can have water for crystal for all I care.

Couldn't give a shite.

- Concepta, did you hear that?

She might be pregnant.

- Very good, yeah.

Eamon, you aren't forgettin' about me now are ya?

- What?

- I want a bit of lift at the front

and Sue Ellen at the back.

- What's that?

- Sue Ellen, she's in Dallas.

- Eh, hello?

What about me?

- Bridget, you can finish her off.

- No she cannot.

I'm not paying 17 pounds to have my hair done by a woman.

I want an Eamon cut.

- Fine!

- Did you hear, did you hear?

Mrs. Prendegas took a terrible fall outside of mass.

- You know, when you're finished doing the two of us,

you might spend a little bit of me time on me,

if you know what I mean, Eamon?

- No, he doesn't know what you mean.

- Jesus, Bridget, one of the good things

about getting your hair done by a man

is that you can aggressively flirt with him.

- No it isn't.

- Ah, it is, Bridget, I'd be disappointed now

if he didn't come onto me a bit by the end.

- This is not a brothel.

- Here, hold onto that for a second.

- Oh.

- Another one, another one.

- Oh, Father Gabriel, thank God it's you.

I have so much gossip.

- Oh, that's nice.

Is Eamon in?

- Eamon? - Yeah, I was kind of hoping

he could fit me in. - For what?

- A hair cut.

- You're a man.

- I'm not a man, Bridget.

I'm a priest.

- Can you cut hair?

- Oh my God, well, back before I was a teeny weeny

bit forced into the priesthood by my parents,

I studied under Vidal Sassoon for four years.

I've got a diploma in textural coloring

from the Hair Design Institute of New York

under my hairdressing name Zarro.

So yes, Eamon, I can cut hair.

- Well take that, finish her off and get 17 pound off.

- Oh no, but I wanted Eamon.

- You're getting the A.

- Oh-ah-ah-ah!

Zarro, Zarro, Zarro!

- Oh, okay.

- Oh, Father, did you hear?

Mrs. Prendegas took a terrible fall outside of mass

and they don't know who's going to get the house now.

I think it's going to be her nephew in America.

What do you think, Father?

- Not now, Bridget, I'm working.

- But Father.

- Firstly, when I'm at the chair, I'm Zarro.

And secondly, get me a coffee.

- Zarro, I have the most amazing gossip.

Do you want to hear my gossip.

Does anybody want to hear my most amazing gossip?

- Concepta, did you hear Mrs. Prendegas

had a fall outside of mass?

- No, I didn't hear that.

- I know. - I said that.

I literally just said that.

- Nobody wants to get their hair done by a woman anymore.

That's so lame.

So, Eamon, did you hear about this new vegetable broccoli?

- Couldn't give a shite.

- I suppose you're here to become

a sex-crazed hairdresser, too?

- No, I just called around to see if Eamon

was coming out to play, but that sounds good.

- Can you cut hair?

- I burnt the all the hair off me back one time,

if that's any good.

- Close enough.

- Well he'll need a name before he touches anyone, Eamon.

- I have a name, I'm Frank.

- No, a hairdresser name.

- Like a name off the telly.

- Airwolf.

- No, like a name.

Like MacGyver of Bobby Ewing.

- Airwolf.

- Airwolf's a helicopter, Frank.

Like Crockett or Tubbs.

- No, what, you know what?

I think it works.

Airwolf.

- I like Airwolf.

- Right, Airwolf, take that.

Go finish off that one and get 17 pound off her.

- Maybe I could be The Fall Guy and help out.

- Jesus Christ, woman, where is my coffee?

Airwolf, would you like something?

- Yeah, a tea, but put it in a coffee mug

so that I look cool, you know.

- I'd love a cornish if it wasn't too much trouble.

- Zarro would like to know where the fuck is his coffee!

- Is that a flesh wound?

- Yeah, so's that one there, though.

- Hello, everybody, I'm off to the mammy's for two weeks

with this here black pudding and I just want

to clearly state that these two things

have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever.

Okay, bye.

- Who was that, Eam?

- No idea, just keep hackin' away, Airwolf.

- Gonna have to close.

- Well, we could bring down the numbers

and charge a little more?

- Or we could get Frank to come in and help us.

- You are Frank.

- No, I'm Airwolf.

- No, you are Frank.

Them women out there think they're getting their

hair cut by Airwolf.

Nobody wants to get their hair cut by Frank.

- Okay, well, I can get Frank to come in

and he can pretend to be Knight Rider.

- Frank, you are Airwolf!

Airwolf is Frank!

You can't be Airwolf and Knight Rider.

No one here is going to be Knight Rider.

Do you understand that?

- But I'm ...

And you're Eamon.

- Yes. - And what are you?

Are you a detective or a submarine or

what are ya, like what channel are you on, what?

- Why would I be a submarine?

- I don't know, do you help the world, what's...

- I'm cuttin' people's hair!

- I think he's talkin' to you, Zarro.

- I'm not talkin' to Zarro, I'm talking to Frank.

I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore.

- Not now, please.

We're in the middle of an existential debate.

- How are you lads?

I hear you're lookin' for a hairdresser.

I'm a man.

- So where are you from?

- Du...

Dublin.

- Oh, I have a cousin in Sanderford.

Do you know her?

- Eh, does a man from Dublin drink out of ris-day?

- Does he? - Yeah, oh yeah.

And a barrel of port of resopa.

- What's your name?

- Sandy. - Sandy?

What's your surname?

- Ford.

- Sandy Ford.

- Sandy Ford, that's me, true blue in any ways.

- Do you have any qualifications?

- I do, I do, I do.

From Carlo, Carlo, Monte Carlo.

I've a bleedin' degree in amazin' hairdressin'

for women who won't shut bleedin' up.

- It's so true, why won't women just shut up?

- Because maybe they need to express themselves

so they feel okay about themselves.

- What?

- Women are dopes.

- You can say that again.

- They're dopes.

- No, Frank, it's a figure of speech.

- Eh, Airwolf.

- What?

- My name's Airwolf now.

- Airwolf, go into the livin' room

and get me invisible comb.

- Okay.

- Lads, I love being a man.

I love lookin' at women's arses.

And thinkin' about shakin' on with her boobies.

No offense, Father.

- Oh, excuse me, no, I'm Zarro.

- Hold on, how did you know he was a priest?

- Because when I went down to .

I'm on shift at Teresa now.

- What? When? Where? How?

- One night on O'collin branch

when I was sippin' a pint of the black stuff.

We found O'Brien and Brendanbee

and noticing in the rocky road, and I love the bleedin' cup.

Oh, and Zarro, I once cut Marty Whelan's hair.

- Oh Lady of Guadalupe.

Oh, what did it feel like?

Was it as soft as the spring jewel on a snowdrop's petal?

- Softer.

- You've got the job.

- What are you doing?

- I got the invisible comb.

Oh, no, there it is.

- Do you have 17 pounds?

If so, come down to the hottest new hair salon

in the mid Midlands.

Eamon's Hairdressers.

Our team of all men hairdressers are standin'

by to cut and blow dry your hair

for 17 pounds.

Zorro.

- I specialize in holiday hair.

Now if you smell any smoke come straight back out.

- 17 pounds!

Airwolf.

- I do the other ones and I cut their hair as well.

- Oh!

- 17 pounds.

Before you ask, yes, we do all styles of hair.

Choppy changey and the other one that's more flat.

17 pounds, guaranteed!

And the newest member of the team, Sandy Ford,

from Sandyford in Dublin.

- I have a pain in me bollocks

'cause I have testicles because I'm a man.

- Eamon's Hairdressers, a cut above.

We also offer a limited downstairs trimmin' service.

I remember one time I told Bridget that her mother had died

after lookin' in the wind.

She started cryin'.

I remember one time I pretended

that I ran off with her good-lookin' niece.

And I told her I got her pregnant.

She started cryin'.

- Really?

- I remember one time I told her Johnny Logan

called to the house and she missed him,

and she started cryin'.

- That was too far. - What?

- I like ridin' in the car with women.

- She just can't take a joke.

- Yeah, that was really funny.

- Wouldn't mind, but I'm doin' all this

hairdressin' malarkey for her.

- Are ya, are, are ya?

- Yeah, I'm savin' up all the money

and buyin' her a brand-new kitchen.

- Wha? - Oh yeah.

Top of the line stuff, Formica the whole way.

- And a microwave?

- Oh yeah, I'm gonna get her a microwave.

And lino, wall-to-wall lino.

- Would you let her pick out the lino?

- Oh, she can pick out the lino.

- And what about gettin' rid of the curtains

and gettin' her roller blinds?

- She's not gettin' blinds!

- Forget I said anything about roller blinds.

Just keep talkin', keep talkin'.

- Beautiful double drainer sink.

- Oh, Jesus.

- And you know why I'm gonna do it for her?

- Why?

- So she can stay in there and leave me alone!

Do I smell black puddin'?

- My wee-wee is caught.

I need to go for bleedin' slashin', oh.

- It's 99 red balloons.

Why would someone have 99 baboons?

Sandy, what are you doin'?

- Just havin' a piss, lads, be out in a minute.

- Oh my God.

Frank, we've been doin' it wrong all these years.

♫ 99 red baboons

- Balloons!

Balloons!

- Sorry, there lad.

- We of course have Bono of U2.

And when I told some young friends of mine today

that we actually had Bono with us--

- What are you doing?

- Eh, just tidying up, Eamon.

- Tidying up, that's what women are for.

- Yeah, bleedin' dicks.

- Do you know what you should do while your at it?

You can smash those ornaments.

Can't stand those yolks.

- The ornaments?

You mean those little things she's been

collecting for years and probably has fair

sentimental value to her now in anyways?

- When she's out I rearrange them

'cause I know it annoys her.

- You're dead.

Ly, deadly.

- Do you see this duck?

This is her most prized possession.

- Yeah. - In the entire house.

Smash it.

- Yeah, or I could give it a good bleedin' dust

and put it back where it belongs.

That'll show her bleedin' tick.

- Smash it.

- Oh, look, there's bleedin' Vasser now on the Late Late.

- Oh, they're amazing, you're amazing, Sandy.

We will make love.

- Eamon.

- If Foster and Allen don't play their

chart-toppin' hit We Will Make Love,

I'm not watching the Late Late Show ever again, shite.

- Ah, yeah, into the scratcher.

Oh yeah, here we go now.

Befores I need to use your jacks.

Don't wait up, I might be awhile pullin' me self together,

if you know what I mean.

- Kay's catalog, Page 234, summer nightie section.

Here, take a by rollin' with ya.

You can draw in the bits you can't see.

- Ah yeah, a crossword, I love a bleedin' crossword.

I'm very good, very good.

See you now, don't wait up.

You go asleep now, okay?

See ya.

- What's that stickin' into me back?

- That's just me big, black sausage, Eamon.

- All right, shouldn't be black.

Should get that seen to.

- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that.

It's just, I've never seen one with

the lights on before, you know.

- Jesus, it smells amazing, what is it?

- Ah, yeah, that's me.

Me, ah, de, de, de, Ode de Puddin'

by Cologne de Kilty, you know?

It's great stuff you know - All right,

Ode de Puddin' by Cologne de Kilty.

- Yeah, yeah.

- God, it smells good enough to eat.

Frank smells of false teeth and Socky Sweets.

- Take your bleedin' hand away from there,

before I bleedin' chop it off.

You know, the way we've been getting on

really bleedin' well, I was thinkin' maybe tonight

we could go out for a party dinner

on you dear, tonight nice?

- Have you not got some young on you can bring out

and get sick over after a few pints?

- These bleeding young ones haven't a clue,

what I want is a woman whose body has been destroyed

by six to eight bleedin' kids, who has great hair,

and can hoover a whole house in under 23 minutes, you know?

- Like Noreen? - Like Noreen?

I heard when she pisses it comes out

in two streams, it's in bits.

- I think she likes you.

No, I could be wrong, but I'll ask her if you want.

- No, I mean we all go out in a big gang,

it'd be one big mad bleedin' laugh.

- Oh yeah, I get ya, like me and Bridget

and you and Noreen. - Oh yeah.

- Like you and Noreen.

Me and Bridget, you and Noreen,

Oh I get ya. - Yeah.

What? - Oh yeah, I get ya.

- I tell you one thing Noreen, right?

If this man here was a woman, he'd be gone like,

he'd be gone like, he'd be gone like a click of the fingers.

- So, tell me Sandy, do you like ridin'?

- Jesus Christ, Nory, will you slow down?

- I love it, I've only had a go of a donkey in Timor,

but I'd love to straddle a stallion.

- Oh yeah, I'd suppose I'd go on a horse and a--

- Well you two lovebirds get a room.

Or get married first, then get a room.

Actually, don't get married, you know what,

the worse thing I ever did was getting married.

Never get married, she'll wreck your head

and ruin your big poetry slash Celtic Rock career.

- Or maybe she had a career and ailing

is that you have to give up.

- How did you know that?

You know me so well and she keeps harping on about it,

"Oh my life is important", who told you that?

Because it's not, you know what I mean, no?

You know what, you should move in with me, I'd love that.

We could have more conversations like this.

- Maybe I will, or maybe I have.

- Great, my work here is done, I leave you knock out a deal,

you can use the house if you want.

- No, I mean we can't! - Why not?

- Because ... I need to talk to you, Eamon.

- Okay, I'll just pop to the ladies.

- What is with the pee.

Eamon, you can't leave with a whore, you just can't.

Why don't we get pints, get two more pints,

and put on MacGyver?

- You get me Sandy Ford. - I know.

- If only we could.

- If only we could what Eamon?

- If only we could, stop, no, wait, it's stupid.

- I think I know what you're going to say,

but I need to hear you say it.

- Sandy Ford.

I think I--

- Right, I've emptied the tanks.

No excuses, Sandy, you've got a clear go at the runway.

- Oh Jesus, I hope that's not an innuendo, Noreen.

- I'm pleased to say it is, Eamon.

Come on. - Eamon.

Oh!

- Jesus, I love the smell of that man.

- Oh Jesus, let me get me Valium first.

- How'd you know they were in there?

- Is it not where most women bleedin' keep 'em?

- Oh, you know women so well Sandy Ford.

You don't need a map, you've cut down plenty bushes

with your thick machete I'd say.

- Nora, are we talking about sex?

Because I did work in a garden center one summer.

- Oh, take me now, do what you want with me!

- Let's go shopping, look at wallpaper

and bitch about people behind their backs!

- Oh you've got free entry to club Noreen tonight

and you're in luck because it's ladies night.

- Oh, will you stop with the innuendos?

I don't know if I have free entry into a disco or what?

- Oh you do, you do, you can throw your jacket

in the cloth comber, I prefer to get

straight to the janitor driving.

- No, no, no, no, the nightclub, discos parallels

are just not working for me, they're not, they're not.

- Well, it's working for me love,

you've gotten to blouse number two, Sandy!

- Stop the lights, Noreen, you're getting off.

He's mine.

- I'll play three in din lads,

and I don't mind going in goals.

- Will you stop with the terrible innuendos, please?

- Eamon. - Sandy.

- Eamon. - Sandy.

- Eamon. - What?

- Shut up, Noreen.

Sandy, I don't know how to say this,

so I'm just gonna say how I normally say things.

But you get me, Sandy Ford, you know?

You know exactly what I'm about to say,

directly after I've just said it.

You make me laugh out loud and sometimes not so loud

and sometimes between not so loud and loud,

kind of medium type of loudness.

But I want to be with you and I know

you want to be with me, some kind of together type scenario.

I love you, Sand Ford and I don't care who hears it.

Apart from the vast majority of the village.

- I knew you loved me!

- For f's sake, you have to ruin everything on me!

Can a man not fall in love with another man

in his own home anymore without his wife ruining it on him!

- But you fell in love with me Eamon.

- I didn't, I fell in love with Sandy, bring him back.

- I can't, I'd have glue back on the mustache.

- Er, what I was feeling just now, was that glued on too?

- That was the black pudding.

- Well you have to ruin breakfast on me now as well?

- Would you take your head out of the oven,

missis Glenna Hasset, the salon is closed.

Himself won't cut hair anymore.

- Oh Sandy why did you leave me?

Oh, Sandy

Sandy.

Sandy, why did you leave?

Why did you leave me?

Why?