Original subtitles

- Red lemonade, I said red lemonade!

- I swear to god, they don't have red lemonade in America,

that's what my sister says.

- We should export it over there, we'd make a fortune.

- You're so stupid. - You are a simpleton.

- Stupid.

- Red lemonade, gas, isn't it?

You couldn't make it up.

And flares.

Does anybody remember flare trousers?

What was goin' on there?

You can have three ankles in each leg, so you could.

And space hoppers.

Space hoppers.

God, does anybody remember them?

Oh, hilarious, so it is.

- Jimmy,

you're just saying all things from the 1970s.

- Kerplunk.

Do you remember

the board game? - Aye.

- With the marbles and the sticks.

No, well, I'll have youse laughin'.

I'm gonna ask for your vote in the upcoming election.

- Who in their right mind is gonna vote

for one of ye bastoons down here?

- Martin.

- You could vote for someone else.

But I wouldn't recommend it.

- Here, Eamon.

You like drinkin', and sing song, and drinkin'.

You should run.

- Politicians?

Do you know what politicians should do?

Stay out of people's business

and let them build houses and septic tanks

without lookin' for stupid plannin' permission.

That's what they should do.

- Yes.

- As for tax,

where does the tax go?

Not on the roads, anyway.

I hit more holes last night than Seve Ballesterios did.

And then to be stopped by the guards

and asked how many drinks I had,

includin' the pint I was holdin'.

I tell you one thing,

this country's gone down the drain

and the drain is blocked

'cause nobody could be arsed to fix it.

I tell you one thing, if I was up in Dublin,

I wouldn't bother me hole fixin' it either.

Where's me red lemonade, would you get the red lemonade?!

- Do I have to do anything?

- No.

Just canvas and poster, lick arse,

kissing babies, debates, telling lies, shaking hands,

be nice to people you don't even like,

having stupid ideas, and making promises you'll never keep.

It's called politics, Eamon.

- It's called shite for takes,

and it goes against my main policy of doing nothing

at all times.

- People have to pretend that they like us.

It would be lovely.

- You can forget your fantasy of people

pretending they like us.

I'm a busy man, Bridget.

I've things to do you know.

I'm not sitting around here all day doing nothin'.

I have to go and...

I'm a busy man, Bridget!

- You don't have to do anything.

I'll do all the work.

Now I had a big think for myself last night and...

Here's the plan of action!

- Lots of drawin' on the blinds again,

you daft bitch.

If anyone can read backwards,

the whole town would know your plan.

- I'll blind you in a minute if you don't shut up.

Now pay attention!

First things first, you're gonna have

to look the part.

- Give a twirl.

- No.

- Now downstairs we go

for a gravy stain on that tie.

Here.

- How am I supposed to know what to do?!

- What, what are you looking at, what?

- Go, go, go.

- I'm building a road.

Government up in Dublin don't want us to have a road,

I'm going up to Dublin going to get the money,

and going to build the road.

- No, no, no, just say it again

like I can't feckin' understand ya!

- You sound like an absolute gobshite, Eamon.

It's perfect!

Now we need just one more thing.

- Lethal injection.

- A catchy slogan.

What's your catchy slogan?

- I have to wear the hat.

Isn't that enough?

- No, Eamon, no.

Now what was that thing you said to me the first night

we got, you know, relation-y.

- Feck off, I'm doing me best.

- Feck off, I'm doing me best.

That is brilliant!

Oh, Eamon, look at ya.

The suit, the poster, the slogan, the borderline alcoholism,

the total disregard for people.

Jesus Christ.

You could nearly be Taoiseach.

Nothing can stop us now.

- I accidentally joined the IRA four months ago.

- Love it, backstory, work with me,

never mention it again.

- Sold a passport.

- Shhh.

- To two Saudi Arabians. - Shhh.

- 90 percent sure they caused the foot-and-mouth crisis.

- Shut up!

Now, go and knock on the door.

- I will not.

- Go, go, go.

Eamon.

- Eamon, how are you?

What's up?

- How are you, Tadhg?

Sorry about this now.

It's not even my idea, it's Bridget's idea, but

it will be great if there's an election coming up,

it would be great if, you don't have to,

give us your vote.

- Yeah, you can have mine,

but you have to do something about the pandas.

- What?

- It's shockin' what's going on over there.

There'll be none left soon, poor little pandas,

thrown out of their homes just like we were

during the Famine.

- Right, I'll look into it for ya.

- Not the red pandas now,

they're just bastards.

They can just die.

- Right, right.

- There are red pandas in this town selling drugs.

- Lovely stuff, lovely stuff.

- And what do the guards do about it, nothin'!

Meanwhile young little pandas have been attacked

going to panda school.

- Okay.

- If a red panda breaks into my house,

I'll fuckin' kill him.

- Lovely stuff!

Say hello to Jolene for me.

Thanks, Tadhg. - Good luck.

- That went well!

- What's all that shite about red pandas?!

I was embarrassed there, Bridget!

I knew it would be an issue on the doorstep!

Stay on top of things!

- Sorry.

Hello, my name is Bridget.

This is Eamon, say something, Eamon.

- No.

- And we are looking for your vote,

so vote for .

Oh look, there's Garda Paul and Garda Ger.

Hello, guards, hello, say something, Eamon.

Say something amazing.

Say something.

- Bud.

- Well!

- You still writin' to that bogey tail o' terrorist?

- I am, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't

tell the whole town.

- The one with the 'tache?

- It's barely noticeable,

and if you say that to me again

you'll be sorry!

- Am I in trouble now?

- Come on.

- I'm in trouble, uh-oh.

- Right, that's it, come on.

- Go ahead, do it.

- Bridget, where do we keep the hacksaw?

- Hello, Eamon.

I'm Billy.

People call me Billy the Builder.

Come on over, take a pew.

Here's a few quid for the pub later, huh?

Now, Eamon, I've a bit of protected land

that could do with a few hundred homes

strewn about it.

- Yeah, what's that got to do with me?

- Say what you see.

- An envelope, your arse.

- No, not me arse.

Look, what color is the envelope?

- Fawn.

- It's brown.

It's a brown envelope

and I put something in it

and you put it in your...

- Arse, no thank you!

Keep your money, I'm not interested.

- You're not getting it!

I want planning permission!

- I tell you one thing, though,

if I get elected, I'll get your planning permission.

- Now we're talking, now we're talking.

- Ooh, here we go.

- Forget the pounds, forget the pounds.

- I'll tell you what I'll do.

On my first day after being elected...

I haven't said anything yet.

You're shoutin' at nothing!

- Nothing!

- I, I, shut up!

Just shut up, shut up, shut up!

On my first day I'll go up to Dublin

and you know what I'll tell them?

Now cheer, now cheer.

Get back in the bus!

- Okay, that should be everything I need there.

Thank you.

- He's actually promised us front page

of the school newspaper.

- Don't trust journalists.

- Mick?

- Mick Brady from Dark Times.

Eamon, do you have a catchy slogan

for your campaign?

- I do, yeah, it's "Feck off, I'm doing me best"

which is at least 50 percent true.

- You there, Cybil Shepherd.

- Linda Ballard, Rotten Mullen Roarer.

Eamon, why should someone vote for you?

- That's a very good question, Linda,

and I'd like to answer that question by sayin',

isn't that a lovely bit of ham now?

Isn't that lovely?

- You.

- Brenda Fitz, Ruscray Reporter.

- Thought you were with the Toast Telegraph?

- Oh I was, but they let me go

after my taking the "gie" out of camogie story.

On that note, Eamon, what are your views

on women's issues?

- I tell you what, when Bridget turns into

the devil incarnate and she starts cryin'

I tell her to shut up.

- That's a very old-fashioned way

of thinkin' about things, though, isn't it?

- Shut up, what would you know

about women's issues?

- I'm a woman, Eamon.

What was that with the whole "Brenda Fritz,

I thought you were with the Toast Telegraph" shite talkin'?

- Can a man not flirt with a lady journalist

in the comfort of his own home without his wife

ruining it on him?

- This is all my idea!

- No it's not!

I'm me own man, I'm me own man.

- Good man, Eamon, good man.

- Listen up, everyone!

I am no longer Eamon's campaign manager.

- You never were anyway.

- I was.

- No you weren't.

- No, I was.

- No you weren't.

- I think you'll find it doesn't matter

because I'm not anymore.

- I think you'll find it doesn't matter

because you weren't in the first place anyway.

- I was, Eamon!

- You weren't.

- It doesn't matter anyway because...

I'm going to run myself!

That's right, I'm going to run in the election

against Eamon.

- Are you havin' a stroke?

- You'll see, you'll all see.

One day this country will have a woman president

and he'll be only delighted that I was barking

up the wrong mold.

I made that ham, I'm takin' that ham.

- Take the ham.

- Shite, what have I done?

- This isn't good.

Bridget running against you.

- Billy, who's going to vote for a woman?

Come on now, think about it.

Oh I'll vote for the woman!

Like, cop on, seriously.

No, no, no, no.

- Team Bridget.

If he is going to do nothing,

starting from now so am I.

- Nothing, no washing, no cleaning?

- Nothing.

- No, Bridget!

- I can and I will.

This is the 1980s!

Now it could take days, it could take weeks,

but by sheer determination and the grace of God,

I know I can do it.

Okay.

Put down your cups and don't touch them,

put them down, down!

Who's going to pick them up?

Not me!

Too much too soon, Noreen.

Too soon.

Now to guarantee our rightful place as winners

in this election, we've got to figure out

what we're going to do with my hair.

- Oh, I know, I know.

Choppy-changey.

- Gold star, Father.

- Oh yeah, fantastic.

- Why are we laughin' again?

- We were imagining votin' for a woman.

- Oh yes.

Right.

Don't let me down here, Eamon.

- Will you relax?

We've everything under control,

don't be frightened.

- Yes.

What?

- You heard him, Frank.

It's a shite fight now.

The inches we need are everywhere around me.

Now do it, Frank, do it.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Jesus, Frank!

I don't get officially elected until

you can lift me off the ground!

- I'm tryin' me best, Eamon.

- Lift from the knees.

Lift from the knees.

No, from your knees!

Lift from your knees!

- What are you doing?

- I'm just, from my knees.

- Your knees aren't running for election, Frank,

are they?

- I'm confused, Eamon.

- What are you doing?!

Lift from your knees!

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

Frank, lift from your knees.

This is shit!

How long does a man have to wait for his dinner

around here?

If you can't deliver the dinner,

then it's the people, that's us by the way,

who suffer.

You know, it's typical, it's typical of how you

deal with the issues.

- Maybe if somebody got off their fat arse

and do something, the issues will change.

- These potatoes are soggy and stale

like the policies of your political party,

they're abject and limp.

- Well the only thing you can muster up

is limp.

- Too far, that's too far!

- Too far?

Oh that's a shame Eamon,

because it's not loud enough!

- Why don't you go and have a good cry

for yourself?

- Over your penis!

See, look?

You made me say it!

Red, come over this side of the house

with your mom.

- The middle one.

Come over to this side of the house

with your father.

- Small girl with the ponytail.

Come over this side with your mom.

- Timmy, come over to this side of the house

with your father.

- We don't have a Timmy.

- What's your name?

- Paddy.

- Close enough.

Paddy, if you come to this side of the house

with your father, I'll spend time with ya.

- Don't make promises you can't keep.

Now, whoever likes mommy more,

come over this side of the hosue.

- You see, you might have some

emotional bond with these kids that

isn't based on fear and you might have won

over some of the voters with your

well thought-out practical policies that can be

implemented quickly.

- How dare you?

We have none of those.

- You're still not going to win.

- Oh, and why is that?

- Because I have a song

and Frank's going to make a video

and it's going to be brilliant,

it's going to be like...

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ To get you a medical card?

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ Who doesn't work too hard?

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ To fill in the old potholes?

♫ Well, he's your man, says your man,

♫ I'm your manny-man.

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ To make no big decisions?

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ To get you planning permissions?

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ Who loves the baby kissin'?

♫ Well, he's your man, says your man,

♫ I'm your manny-man.

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ Who thinks Europe's a load of shite?

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ To go out with on a Saturday night?

♫ Are you looking for a man

♫ Who's well-able to fight?

♫ Well, he's your man, says your man,

♫ I'm your manny-man.

- Why would I be in it, you dope?

- I can cut you out of it.

There, just did.

- Oh, oh, well, two can play at that game.

Here in my hand lies peace in our time

or my political broadcast.

Hello, I'm Bridget.

This is the mess that my husband left.

Hello, it's me Bridget again.

Here in my bedroom.

It's 12 at night and my husband

isn't home to keep us safe.

It's okay, don't worry, I know what to do.

I'll call the guards.

But no one is there!

Why?

Because the man who made this mess

and is not here to protect his family

represents the party that ruined this country.

And he's out drinking with the guards.

Hi, Paul! Hi, Ger!

This is Tadhg.

Tadhg is worried about our ailing medical system.

Isn't that right, Tadhg?

- It's them bastard red pandas.

- That's right, it's all Eamon's fault.

Shut up, Tadhg, go back inside.

So when you vote, remember,

it's all Eamon's fault.

And Bridget always cleans up the mess.

So vote Bridget, because I always clean up the mess

and I make an amazing roast chicken dinner.

With carrots and spuds and Homestead pack of gravy

and everything.

- Too late.

My party political broadcast is

going to ruin you.

- Do you really think people are going to be

impressed by that shite?

- Look around you, dope.

- Who here wants planning permission?

- I have a bladder infection.

- You get a planning permission!

You get a planning permission!

You get a planning permission!

You get a planning permission!

Yours is subject to approval.

Do you want planning permission?

- I want you out of here.

- You see, people don't care about society.

They just care about themselves.

It cost me nothing to sell them

a whole bucket of hope.

- Sorry, are you talking to me?

- No, Bridget, I think he was talking to me.

- Are you sure?

Because I think it was me he was talking to.

- Can a man not verbalize his own self-conscious

in his home anymore without everybody ruining it on him?!

Come on, Frank.

- What are you wearing?

It's the big debate.

- I've no clean clothes left,

I had to borrow it off Frank.

- Just make sure to hit these points, Eamon, okay?

- Cut the nursing home,

get rid of the old folks,

blah blah blah.

Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it.

- Good man, you're on.

- You're listening to the biggest debate

on local FM.

Brought to you by Slurry In A Hurry

for all your slurry needs in a hurry.

Tonight we'll be listening to three of

the candidates in the local election.

Eamon, Jimmy Tar McAdam, and Bridget.

First, to you Eamon, why would anybody

vote for you?

- Uh, that's a very good question.

I would like to answer that question by saying

I did not interrupt you!

- What?

I didn't interrupt you.

- Just did, you just interrupted me there.

- Sorry, but...

- Don't you interrupt me!

- I didn't interrupt you!

- Excuse me, Phil,

I was the first person to say I did not interrupt

you, surely I should be the last person to say it.

- You interrupted yourself.

- If I interrupted myself,

I would have said, "Stop interrupting myself!"

Wouldn't I?

- But you did interrupt me.

- I didn't interrupt you.

- I did interrupt you,

but he interrupted me first.

- Oh, that's typical of you, isn't it?

Blaming myself for interrupting myself.

Do you know what?

I should have started with "Let me finish."

- Okay, okay, okay.

Can I interrupt and say if we keep

interrupting each other, then the interrupting

will take over and there'll be no debate?

Eamon, why would anyone vote for you?

- Personally, Phil, I am going to do nothing myself.

However, I want to lay the foundations.

I want to build the blocks and I want to put in

the windows into houses, moving forward,

that will look out upon other houses

within this community.

- Thank you, Eamon.

Why would anyone vote for you, Jimmy?

- Thank you, Phil.

Unlike the other candidates, I would like to talk

about the serious issues like the Loop-de-Loop ice pop.

I mean, what's going on there, know what I mean?!

It's green at the bottom, yellow in the middle,

and chocolate on top.

I mean, you couldn't make it up, could you?

- I love a Loop-de-Loop, but I also like

a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder.

Which one do you prefer?

Get involved in the debate, send your answers

on a postcard to Fill Her Up and we'll read out

your answers on next week's show.

- Sorry, Phil, can I just come in there

on the whole Wibbly Wobbly Wonder and Loop-de-Loop

debate here?

- Yes, yes, of course.

- Jimmy does have a valid point,

but there is a beautiful green patch of land

outside of this town with a nursing home on it

that's full of sick, smelly older people.

As a community moving forward,

would we be not better

knocking that and putting up

80 to 100 three-bedroom semi-detached houses

with a big enough backyard for a small shed

and a downstairs toilet?

- But where would the elderly patients go?

- But where would the elderly patients go?

Where would the elderly patients go?

Exactly, where you are going to put

all the elderly patients?!

- What, it's not my problem.

- Oh, typical, it's not your problem.

The same way as you cooked raw chicken last week,

wasn't your problem.

Or the same way she puts her dried out knickers

on all the radiators in the house isn't your problem.

- Oh, and what about you?

Crying every time you hear

Foster and Allen's Old Flames.

- I refuterate that statement and I want it

stricken from the record.

It's not true.

You've gone too far now.

I saw her buying drugs off a red panda last week.

- Here are the results of the first count.

Eamon, eight votes.

- Not now, Frank, not now.

- Women's Party for Women's Things, two votes.

- I knew I should have voted for myself.

- Jimmy Tar McAdam, Provisional Party,

seven votes.

- That means I...

- Tadhg Finnissy.

Anti-Red Panda Party.

47,963.

- Oh, now you're lifting from your knees, Frank?!