Original subtitles

- Myself and Willy aren't going to go to

France again this year.

- Didn't you not go to France last year as well?

- Oh we've been not going to France

for 14 years now.

- Oh nice.

- Oh god.

I think we had this exact conversation last year.

- Holy moly, what sort of a tie is that Eamon?

- I think it's very snazzy.

It's all the rage these days.

- I don't care what you think.

It's handy for tying Bridget to the bed.

- Eamon, watching Dallas here has got me thinking

it's been ages since we,

Eamon, Eamon!

- That'll soften your cough.

As if 68 kids was enough for you to mind.

- Come here Eamon, it's no type of a tie at all

if you can't dry your armpits with it.

- I don't have to listen to this.

Especially from you Frank.

I'm going up to the bar.

- Oh if only there was some couple

that would move into town and we could hang out with

instead of you lot.

- Give us a pint there Paudge and a

Midlands Cooler for her sir.

- What's that again?

- It's a West Coast Cooler with a Smithy's head

I read about it in the inflight magazine

on the way over from the United States of America.

I'm new here, the name's Mikey.

Say I like your tie.

- I like yours too.

So you're from America.

- That's right.

This is Barbara, the old ball and chain.

Actually she's the love of my life.

- So good to meet you.

Oh I think there's somebody looking for you.

- Oh, that's just Bridget.

Don't mind her she's a bit simple.

- Simple for marrying you Eamon.

Did I hear you're from America?

- Yeah.

- That's very modern, isn't it yeah?

Yeah instead of yes.

- I suppose I never really thought about it.

Hey did you buy your husband's tie for him

in New York too Bridget?

- No I had it leather bound first edition Ortie guide

and I just chopped it up

and I just colored it in with a blue pen.

- Cool.

- Thanks.

Cool.

- Oh, I presume you've heard of the

ancient Irish tradition when there's a

visitor to the town, especially Americans.

They have to buy the first f--

- Five?

- 15 rounds and I don't have to pay it back.

- I thought you were gonna say 50.

- Did ya, shite, let's go with 50, let's go with 50.

- Well if that's the ancient old old Irish tradition

I don't wanna be the first to break it.

God I love airy.

- Do you know what aye?

You are someone I like.

That I've never said to anyone in my whole life but

I like you.

Thanks for the drink Mickey.

- Mikey, he's no Mickey.

- Hey it's cool, I don't mind being a Mickey.

It's refreshing.

Oh and I have your change,

gosh what a great tradition

to buy 50 rounds and give the man all the change too.

- I love you you big thick Americans.

When are you going home?

- Eamon.

- How long are you staying?

- No it's cool.

We are home Eamon.

This is the land of our forefathers.

- You've four fathers?

- We haven't found the place yet but

our great great great--

- Great.

- Grandfather is from a little place called Glasgow.

- Glasgow?

Well that's in--

- Shut the

funny the Ireland place names aren't they?

- Scotland.

- Probably burnt down during the famine.

- Wow, that must've been so tough on you guys.

- Oh it was, oh it was.

But we didn't have to emigrate ourselves

on the famine ships, oh no god,

I did get very sick on a car journey to Lumford once

in the rain.

- Mayor Eamon, do you wanna go play a game of darts

or dart 'cause I only have one.

- I don't play games.

I'm a leather tie guy now

who has American leather tie guy friends.

- But I thought I was your friend?

- Piss off Frank, shoo.

- We're going round to Concepta's now

to watch the end of the Late Late Show,

are you coming?

- I don't watch that shite.

- Johnny Logan is the final guest.

Johnny Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan.

- No, I'm going to stay here.

- Your round again Mickey, Mikey.

- They're just so amazing.

And they're American.

And they like us.

They like us, do they like us?

Do they Eamon?

Do they like us Eamon?

- Do you know what it's just so refreshing

to meet a couple that enjoys spending

their money on ya.

And do you know what I don't say this

about many people but I would

definitely let her ride me.

- Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

- Eamon, Eamon, do you wanna go

lamping rabbits with me or I don't know game of Twister?

Mix it up a wee bit?

- I have new friends now Frank.

- Barbera said she's going to rank tomorrow.

I'm just so excited about our new friends.

Eamon, not again Eamon.

- I know what you're like after a few

Midland Coolers in ya.

- Hello three two five seven double eight.

Oh hello Barbara I was just thinking of you.

What?

No I wasn't thinking of you, I was making a stew.

That's it, how are you, what are you wearing?

What?

Back off.

They need to back off, back off.

Back off.

Back the back off.

Okay see you later bye.

I feel like I'm in a dream or something Eamon

they want to take us to--

- New York.

- Dublin.

- Oh it could be up to five pounds to back up in Dublin.

- But they want us to show them

the sights around Dublin what are we going to do Eamon

we don't know city folk.

We don't even speak Dublin.

- There's only one thing for it,

call the guards.

- We got the phone call about your situation

and we got here as soon as we could.

- Aw thanks for coming, Eamon said

you'd know what to do.

- Well I did have a cousin who lived up in Dublin for

two weeks.

- No better man, I told you they'd know what to do.

- Oh great tell us.

What do they wear up in Dublin?

How would you say hello?

What kind of food do you get, do they have ham?

- I was told that they have a road going over another road.

How does the cars in this road

not crash into the cars in this road?

Well we have to drive in them roads.

What are we going to do?

- First things first, Dublin people mainly wear

tracksuits.

- When they're playing hurling or football.

- Any time, any place, it doesn't matter.

- And if you don't want to stick you

you better get yourself into one fairly lively.

- Whatever you do, do not be nice to them.

The only thing it does is sign a weakness.

Most Dublin people have been to prison so

you have to act like you're not afraid of 'em.

- I had a cousin and used to call him

a pox bottle when he was there.

I'm pretty sure that was a term of affection.

- And they're always saying things are cool.

It means nice, or good.

- Just like the Americans, cool.

- Bridget has it, god she's a natural.

- Natural pain in the hole.

- I know, yeah, cool.

- Cool.

- Oh my god.

You're wearing leisure suits Eamon?

- It's all Bridget's fault.

- No, we're way overdressed.

Barbara I asked you to check the dress code.

- I do hope you can accept our apologies.

- Yeah we do, now look I'm starving

and it takes seven hours to get to Dublin

via Monstredon so step on it.

- Mikey you've hit a child.

Oh my god do something.

Oh was that one of yours?

- It is, cool.

- Quick, jump out there throw 'em in the back

and we're going straight to the ER.

- ER?

- Is it on the way?

- I don't know it's an emergency.

Barb, first aid kit in the trunk, go.

- What, and not go to Dublin?

- Get up Tuff, there's nothing wrong with ya.

Stop your winging, walk it off.

I'll make ya cry.

He's grand, drive off.

- Tough love, that's amazing.

- Oh my god, I wish we had the courage

to be more like that with ours.

- It's also an Irish tradition

for the driver and his wife just to shut up and drive.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

♫ Check it out y'all say

♫ How did life get

- Wow, Eamon, your tour of Dublin was amazing.

I can't believe we met the James Joyce.

I thought he was dead.

- It was so crazy you started a fight with him

because he said he wasn't James Joyce.

Then you got him in that headlock

and he finally admitted it.

Wow that was so great.

- And Bridget, I can't believe Molly Malone

invented the shoulder pad.

- She did.

And we know that.

'Cause we're city folk.

We're cool.

- 35 pence an hour to park you've got a facking mortgage.

- Sure that's nothing to us.

Shut up.

- Oh I never knew beef chow mein

was authentic Irish food.

- What, show me that menu.

You have to bring us to a Chinese restaurant

you frigging dolt?

- How was I supposed to know the Chang Dynasty.

The Chang Dynasty, I thought dynasty as in

on the tele and Chang as in,

oh yeah it does sound kinda French doesn't it?

- You see Barbara,

the Irish have suffered brutally under the Chinese

for the last 600 years and

there's still a massive influence

in the country and the food.

- I thought it was the British.

- Yeah it was them too.

They all had a go at us at once.

They Germans, the Portuguese, the Maltese, the Swiss.

The Babylonians, oh they all had a good

wallop at us yeah they did yeah.

- They had a good go didn't they?

- Wow, I never knew so much pain.

I'll call the waiter,

hey, pox bottle.

Did I pronounce that right?

- Perfect Mickey.

- Eamon I am gonna come clean with you

I do not know the first thing about wine.

Will you order it please?

- Oh sure.

It's like a ghost looking into a pocket here

having a breeze what I'm looking at.

- Just order something quick.

- That one.

Wait how much is it?

- Eamon, don't worry about it.

Dinner's on me.

- No, I cannot have you paying for everything

okay you twisted me arm

god you're very persuasive.

Think I was only gonna pay for a tiny bit?

- Excuse me.

- What's he doing?

What's he doing?

Does he want a sandwich?

- Oh no he's just signaling for the check.

Everybody does it in fancy restaurants.

- Oh.

Fancy.

Let's get another round, I'll do this one.

Hello.

Do you want one too?

- Yeah.

He's not getting it.

- He's not.

- He's not getting it.

- Oh thank you so much Mickey that was lovely.

- Not at all Bridget any time,

oh god damn it I don't have any Irish cash

for the parking.

Eamon, you wouldn't have a five punt for the parking.

- What?

- Five punt for the parking,

I'll give it right back to you.

- Give him the fiver Eamon.

Give him the fiver!

- Thank you Eamon.

- Jesus five pounds to park your car in Dublin.

- Pretty cheap huh?

- You know what you can give that back to me anytime.

Or you can go across that bank now

and get it for me now.

- No I think we better get on the road

I'm a wee bit tipsy we can't be stopping now.

- Like I'm totally cool with that

giving you the fiver and all

it's just that when we get home you could

give it back to me straight away you know?

Might have a fiver in the car.

- Ah.

- Would the wife have a fiver on her?

- Get in.

- We could stop a Nice.

There's a new machine Nice that gives out fiver.

- Noreen would you like a cookie with your tea?

I don't drink tea anymore.

My new best friend Barbara

she's got me drinking coffee

and I just love it, mm mm mm.

- What are those things

on your feet Bridget?

- Oh, my new best friend Barbara

she bought them for me they're all the rage

they're called sneakers.

- They must be very comfortable

for your club foot.

Think about it Bridget, why would anyone actually want to

hang out with you and Eamon?

- How dare you?

I'm very cool.

I'm just so happy that somebody finally finally

has the decency to see it.

I don't see any of you with a pack on her fanny.

- I can't keep it to myself anymore.

I was back in the hospital today to get my results,

it's not good.

I only have three weeks to live.

- Oh my god.

That just reminded me, my new best friend Barbara

she says ER instead of hospital.

How cool.

- Okay there's something up with this lot

they're either weirdos, vegetarians or religious.

- No.

- You've upset Concepta.

- I'm dying Bridget.

- Shut up Concepta!

Now all of you, get out.

Barbara wouldn't talk to me like that.

Get out.

Maybe Noreen is right.

Why would cosmopolitan Americans who've been to

America, because they're American,

why would they want to hang out with us?

Look he dropped a few bits on the floor.

We'll have a look, maybe it'll give us a clue.

- I can't believe you stole it from him.

- If rifling through a man's pockets

and taking his wallet while he's been to the toilet

is stealing well then arrest me now.

It's probably just my homophobia kicking in.

- Kleptomania you dope.

- Look what's written on this

small rectangular card.

- Come swing with us for a good time call

six nine six nine six nine.

- Oh my god.

They're swingers.

- Did you get it?

- Yes.

- Did anyone see you in the library?

- No, I went to the town over.

I borrowed it Jennifer Hart

a high-powered business person

who goes to the town and gets a book on swinging

to escape to the country and get away from the ruckus.

- Race.

- She's American.

- No it doesn't matter.

What kind of country do we live in

where an ordinary person can walk in off the street

into a public library and get a sex book on swinging?

Do you know what?

It's a plundering disgrace

I blame the Late Late Show.

- It's not as bad as those filthy magazines

that you keep under your bedside locker.

- I told you that the ink must've faded

because when I bought that magazine

all them women were wearing clothes.

Even the four sisters in the swimming pool.

Anyways start reading.

Don't wanna make an idiot of myself tonight.

- First day, make sure you have a well

ventilated room.

- I'm gonna freeze in me underpants.

- Well you'll definitely embarrass us

if you keep your underpants on.

Try and go with no knickers.

- What if you're in an accident on the way over?

You'd look like a big weirdo.

- Just shut up and let me read.

Lubricate your throat as this passageway

will be doing most of the work.

- What's your throat got to do with it?

- Simple exercises beforehand

will reduce pain on the chest area,

Eamon you'll have to give me a good feel

before we head out.

- You can distinguish those thoughts

straight out of your brain right now

'cause I am doing this for him

and the free drink, not for you.

- Make sure you grab the mic good and hard.

If it slips from your hand it could cause feedback.

Feedback, I think that's when it goes in the other end.

- Show me that.

Beginners Guide to Singing.

Singing Bridget, not swinging you bus done.

Oh I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet

and sleep with him.

- Him?

No no no, I sleep with him, you sleep with her.

- Are you serious?

Yes!

Yes!

Oh my god thank you god.

Yes!

Oh thank you.

Let's go, let's go, come on let's go now,

let's go now.

- I'm not ready.

- Oh I'm gonna have to call me mother.

Oh she's going to be elated for me.

Come on come on let's go now.

Come on come on come on, I'll meet you over there.

- Can't go without me it doesn't work like that.

- It works like that for me come on

oh there she goes.

- Welcome guys.

See you had a merely felche.

- What?

- It's the American for get in your hole.

- Wait 'til you see how hideous

the decor is in our rented accommodation

that we are staying in.

You won't believe how disgusting it is.

But come on in, come in.

- Jesus this is exactly like our house.

- It's nothing like our house.

No, no I don't see the resemblance.

My wooden rosewood hippopotamus is over there not there.

- Now if you guys are too warm

you just let me know and I'll open a window.

Or you can just both strip off.

Ow, Barb.

- Oh, lights on or off guys.

I like a well lit room, don't wanna miss anything.

- On. - Off.

- Well, Barbara, let's get our special guests some drinks.

Eamon, you have to try a sex on the beach.

Barb does it like no other.

- Oh, three words, su-stish-us.

- I was thinking of trying something

a little bit harder tonight, like a screwdriver.

- I want that, I want that,

I'll have that I want that.

- Oh yes that'd be lovely wouldn't it Eamon?

And just so you both know

myself and Eamon are up for anything.

- Okay let's get this party going.

- What are you doing?

- Getting drinks is code for riding.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm 100% sure you dolt.

- Mikey.

- I'm nervous Barbara.

What if he--

- It'll be fine Mikey.

- Jesus what the fuck?

- Oh my god Eamon put it away, please.

- I told you it was a weird shape.

- How would you know?

- Why?

Why are you naked?

- Is that the painting of my dead mother

I painted for our wedding?

- Sorry I'll put it--

- No!

- It was very hot

and we decided to take off all our clothes

I'll open the window.

- No!

- You.

You, you're just so free spirited.

- It's all Bridget's fault.

- We thought you were swingers.

- What?

- It says it on your business card.

Come swing with us.

- I'm a children's playground engineer.

I was getting charged by the letter

so I thought I'd save a few cent by spelling come C-U-M

instead of C-O-M-E.

- Economical and it catches the eye more too.

- Well what would a cool American couple want to have

anything to do with us?

- Yeah, a big tic with a sweaty arse and her husband?

- Well there is a reason we invited you

over here this evening.

- Before you get into that,

can I just explain

that I have very large testicles and they make the

thing look very small, essentially

the bullets are much bigger than the gun.

- That's it right there.

Your honesty, your attitude,

your way of looking at things.

That's why I think no, I know,

I have to offer you a job at my business.

- Swings?

- Not just swings and slides Eamon.

Bouncy castles.

Bouncing castles are the way of the future Eamon.

I can see a time not too far off

where children all over Ireland

and the United States of America are jumping up and down

on inflatable rubber painted castles

hired from me and you.

- Sounds dangerous.

- The children have to take their shoes off first.

- Okay, cool.

- We've got visas for you, Bridget, and all the kids.

Now I can only offer you 12,000 United States

of American dollars a year, new company car,

42 days paid holiday, full health and pension.

We'll get all your kids teeth, gums done.

- Eamon, Eamon,

you're only on 6,000 a year now, Eamon, Eamon.

Eamon Eamon.

Eamon.

- For 12,000 a year I'll come swing with you

any time Mickey.

- I see what you did there I think.

Barbara will you go and get that

really extremely rare bottle of single malt

we were saving for a special occasion?

- Yeah.

- So we're blowing up castles.

- Ah yes, how do you feel about one of those new

German BMW Saloons as your company car?

- Yeah, yeah gosh that sounds fantastic.

Sorry for bringing it up now but

that fiver.

- What fiver?

- The one I lent you.

- For the parking in Dublin.

- Oh yeah I remember now.

- Well?

- I don't understand.

- Well, are you gonna give it back to me?

- Course I'm gonna pay it back.

Now I hear the full leather interior is the way to go.

- You'll love it Bridget it's wipe clean,

sweat, blood, vomit, tears, wiener juice

one wipe, clean.

- That does sound good.

- Eamon, let me top you up.

- Thanks.

You wouldn't go get it now would ya?

- The fiver.

- Yeah, if it's not too much trouble.

- Well it kinda is I mean

we're celebrating and--

- Would you mind waiting?

- You want me to go now instead of giving it to you

the next time I see you.

- Well you said that the last time didn't ya?

- Let me just clarify that I purchased the meal

we consumed the other night, I also paid for

the petroleum for the car too.

- That's not the same thing though is it Mikey?

You know I lent you a fiver,

you just bought all those other things.

- You got me, he got me he's good you're good.

- You are so good.

- You're too funny, you're too funny, he's too funny!

Wait a minute you're serious.

Eamon I am offering you a 12,000 United States of American

dollar job a year.

Now I want you to think very carefully

about what you next say to me.

- Bridget?

- Stay out of this Barbara.

- Do you still want me to go and get you the fiver?

- Yeah.

- Paudge, Paudge.

Paudge,

two pints and, Paudge!

- I'll order it for ya.

Two.

- Jesus Christ Paudge.

- Oh and that reminds me.

The doctor said I'm not dying at all.

- What are you doing?

- Just getting us a few peanuts.

- Oh.

- I'm doing a monkey.

- Two pints, two Ritz, a Midlands Cooler

and a packet of peanuts.

- Yes!

- Paudge!

- And a whiskey chaser.

- Good man.