Original subtitles

- On the line we have Eamon,

Eamon, are you ready?

- I was born ready, Larry, but I was

born in Portlaoise but...

- Okay, let's go, your time starts now.

The blue what is a type of bird?

- Lesbian.

- No, it's a tit.

How many inches in half a foot?

- Micky, sorry, penis.

- No, it's six.

Christopher Reeve plays what superhero?

- The elephant man.

- No, it's Superman.

The Everly Brothers had a hit with

I'll Do My what In The Rain?

- Bridget's period.

- No, crying.

What is the Irish name for Edward?

- You.

- Hugh.

- No, it's Eamon.

What saint has a cross named after her?

- Bridget!

- Correct.

And that's all we have time for.

You scored one.

They just didn't suit you today.

- No they never fuckin' suit you, do they?

You're the stupidest person I know.

- I don't see any difference Eamon,

can you explain it to me, just one more time.

- Bridget, I'm asleep.

- You can't, a barbecue or whatever

you call it, it's a fry outside.

- Shut up.

- Noreen and her fancy parties,

cooking sausages outside has always

been and will always be a fry.

She's terrible notions, terrible

notions Noreen after doing a

secretarial course in Naas,

she didn't even do the whole thing.

It's the Gards!

- Jesus you two were in some stage

last night, ye were bolloxed!

You missed that heifer by inches.

- Eamon, this is official business.

Can you pretend you don't know us?

Please!

- Oh, sorry Gard.

- You're going to need to sit down.

- We are sitting down.

- Okay, well stay sitting so.

- We can stand up and sit back down if you want, Paul.

- Jesus Bridget, can you at least

pretend you don't know us?

- There's nothing happening since they

captured the Border Fox,

we're trying to jazz things up a

small bit for ourselves.

- Oh, okay, officer.

- Oh, I like that, officer, eh!

- I saw it on Hill Street Blues.

- I have a second cousin that can play

Hill Street Blues on the piano.

- He's very good.

- For fuck's sake lads, this is official business.

Do you realize that one of your

children could be dead?

- Jesus, did that little shit get onto

that electricity pylon again!

I'll kill him, which one is it, PJ,

JP, Paddy, Mairead!

- No, there's nobody dead, okay.

- Look lads, we received information

relating to Bridget that's so

sensitive it could send the parish into meltdown.

- I'm so sorry, I'll bring the

necklace back, I can't help it,

I'm a hemophiliac.

- You're a kleptomaniac you dope.

- I'm a klepto...

- No, it's good news.

- Oh sure we know, we're only messing.

I took a lot of sleeping tablets.

- We received this earlier in the post today.

Eamon, your wife has been nominated

for Calor Kosangas Housewife of the Year.

- You going out tonight?

- I am yeah, I can't collect you

though, I'm using the squad car.

I'm still riding that camogie player

below in Thurles.

She's still living with her parents.

The one with the tash?

- It's barely noticeable Eamon and if

you say that to me again, I'll arrest you.

- We'll have to clean the house!

- Look at all those people in there.

- I don't know how she got in the

final, she doesn't even use sherry

in her trifle.

She uses turpentine.

- Oh, any time I drink turpentine I get piles.

- They're all out there Bridget,

the Midland Recorder, the Longford Observer,

the Carlow Onlooker, the Mullingar Pervert.

- I know him.

- Come on, let's get this shite out of

the way, I'm starving.

Bridget, you've to put the dinner on.

- Right, they're ready for you, follow

my lead and we'll be grand.

Keep an eye out for Ted Meany, he's dangerous.

I'll look after him, come on, come on, come on, come on!

- Bridget! Bridget! Bridget!

- Settle down, settle down, okay.

Questions, Mick.

- Mick Brady, the Dundalk Times,

Bridget, the televised final is only this

Saturday so what are you

planning for dessert?

- I'm thinking of an Arctic Roll but

I'm toying with the idea

of a Teatime Express pineapple gateau.

- Bridget, Bridget!

- You, you there, Cagney and Lacey.

- Tessa Smith, Tullamore Tribune,

Bridget, is it true that

you're the first woman in Ireland to

make a lasagne?

- It's true but it's actually called lasagne.

Ne as in no in French, you know.

- Bridget, Bridget!

- You!

- Brenda Fitz, Tulsk Telegraph,

actually have a question for Eamon.

Eamon, are you very proud of your wife?

- Proud, why would I be proud?

A rake of women baking apple

tarts and boiling spuds, what's

there to be proud of?

- Eamon, come here, what are you doing?

You know there's a year's supply of

free gas if she wins this thing?

- It's getting hot in here.

- That would be all the free gas.

- Fancy--

- Shh, I'm heading out.

Oh and by the way, you can leave the emersion on.

- Eamon!

- Sorry, I'm very proud of my free gas.

- Bridget.

- Sorry, free Bridget.

- Bridget. - Free gas.

- Bridget, Bridget!

- Father Gabriel.

- Father Gabriel, Parish Newsletter Fashion Pages.

Bridget, what are you planning on

doing with your hair?

- Oh, I'm glad you asked, I'm going to

do something pure modern,

really choppy changy.

- Ooh!

- Bridget!

- Shush, shush!

Animals, no more questions, come on, come on.

- Ted Meany, The Morning Pearl.

Bridget, some people up in Dublin

say this is an antiquated

outdated and sexist competition,

what do you say to that?

- Thank you!

- I'll tell you what she says!

She says piss off back to Dublin with

your big words and questions you...

- I'll get you for that.

- You know everyone heard that?

- No they didn't.

- Yes we did.

♫ You're dressed to kill, you're feeling free

♫ You're in the place you always wanted to be

- Yo Eamon, I think I might win this.

- There's a woman from Dublin in it.

- Shite!

- Listen to me, you're not losing that

Housewife of the Year competition,

I don't care if she's from Dublin.

I'm so close to that year's supply

of free gas, I can almost smell it.

- Eamon, they have cocktail sausages

up there for 20 years.

We're only getting them now.

- Pull yourself together you mad bitch.

Stop dropping chickens on the floor.

- Dublin!

Not even Cork!

- Now it says here in the RTE Guide

that the way to win a woman's

competition is the 3 Fs, Food,

Fashion, and Fitness.

On the fashion I'm going to put

Frank, Father you can do the fitness

and I'll do the food 'cause I'm

starving and where's me dinner?

- No offense Frank but I think I

might be better suited to do with fashion?

- Yeah, I think myself and Father Gabriel should swap.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I always thought you were a

bit of a dapper dresser, Frank.

- Eamon, I've been wearing the same

pair of overalls for the past eight years.

- That suit you wore to the funeral?

I thought you looked beautiful.

- That was my confirmation suit.

Besides, Father Gabriel's reading last

Sunday at mass was from

Woman's Way magazine.

- Oh, wasn't that very moving?

Who knew that white stilettos would be so slutty?

- Fine then, do it your own way!

- Now Bridget, I'm just going to take

you through a few outfits

that I think will be pure Dynasty

for the live TV final.

First up we have Eimear.

Eimear is wearing an outfit inspired by Quality Street.

The top is a hazelnut fudge, the

bottom a caramel barrel.

That shimmering gold skirt

practically screams Falcon Crest.

- I like it.

- And that's from Dunnes, priced 22.99.

Thanks Eimear.

Next up we have Patricia, Patricia

is sporting a royal blue power suit

with gold encrusted shoulder pads.

The neckline is high enough to give

an air of respectability yet low

enough to just hint at sass.

And I think blue would be a lovely

color on our Bridget.

- I like it, Father.

- And that is also from Dunnes, price 22.99!

Thank you Patricia.

- Thanks, Father.

- Don't speak, Patricia!

Just smile, put your hand on your

hip and walk back through those curtains.

Next is Eimear.

- I'm not ready yet Father.

There's no room back here.

- Eimear, you're the one that wants to

go to Naas Fashion Week, do you

think the girls there have room to change?

They don't even eat!

- I can't get it on.

- Throw it out to me here.

Bridget, give me a minute.

Father Gabriel is wearing a gold

sequined party dress which is sort

of like a good mass, short enough to

hold your attention yet long

enough to cover the subject.

This isn't from Dunnes but it is

also priced at 22.99.

- I don't like it.

- Bridget, I haven't eaten in two and

a half hours, where's me dinner?

Oh I like it.

- I know.

Oh God, is that the time, I'm late for a funeral.

- Bridget, Bridget, show us what you can do?

Come on, Bridget!

Come on!

Ham, bread, butter.

Come on Bridget, come on.

- Your one from Dublin cuts the crusts off, Bridget.

You haven't a chance.

Frank, you don't know what you're doing.

Come on Bridget, put some welly into it.

Come on Bridget, come on!

Bridget, where's my dinner?

Come on!

Bridget, where's my dinner?

- Dinner, I haven't got time for dinner, I'm up to high doh.

Where's all my valium?

- I thought they were cough sweets,

I gave them to the child.

- Jesus Christ!

- I've never seen you concerned about the kids before.

- No, I've never made a lasagne before.

- What do you mean you've never made a lasagne before?

If you mess this up Bridget, I don't get my free gas.

What was the yoke you gave me last October?

- The frozen pizza?

- The thing that broke me teeth?

- Frozen pizza.

- That, give them that.

- No, it's okay look Eamon, I found

this page from a magazine, look!

- I doubt it very much if that's a

cooking magazine Bridget.

Sure there's two naked women there,

that must be her sister or a

doctor, look at the examination she's giving.

- No, look what the woman's taking out of the oven.

That's a lasagne.

- Bridget, that's a small little furry

animal between her legs.

- No, you're not looking in the right place, Eamon.

That's a lasagne.

And you know what, from looking

at the picture I bet I can cook it.

Easy, that's a pound and a half of mince.

- What's that liquid stuff coming out of it?

- That must be the pasta.

- But we don't have the pasta.

You don't even know what the pasta is.

- The pasta.

- Now put in the pasta.

No, no, no, not like that.

Do it like that.

Get out of the way Bridget.

- Eamon, you're supposed to add water to that.

- Well I don't know where we keep the water, do I Bridget!

- Jesus Christ!

Cheese Eamon, cheese.

- Let me do it Bridget!

Okay, the cheese.

Okay, that's it.

And you think you've a hard time making dinner.

Oh Eamon, I made the dinner, I'll hold onto this.

You have some life so you do.

- What's all this about Eamon?

- Sit down there, I want you to taste test a dinner I made.

- Don't ever say that, don't ever say that, not even joking.

You're scaring me now.

- I didn't make it, Bridget made it.

I wouldn't make a dinner!

Sure a man doesn't do dinner.

- I'm not eating that.

- What's wrong?

- Look at it!

- Jesus Christ!

- Oh Jesus!

Oh Jesus!

You wouldn't get that in Naas.

- Two minutes people.

- Twenty pence an hour to park the car,

no wonder this country's gone to shite.

- Now now, don't be nervous.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,

oh my god, he's beautiful.

- Did you make that?

- Did I make this?

Did I make this?

- No, no!

- He's a man.

- I'm a man sure.

- He doesn't even know where the kitchen is.

- I don't even know where the kitchen is.

- And he's terrible stupid.

- I'm terrible...

- And he's an awful gobshite.

- Too far.

Take the food, I told you don't give me the food!

Jesus Christ, you're going to blow this.

- Live from Dublin, welcome to the

Calor Kosangas Housewife of the Year show

and here's your host, Mr. Ray Ahern.

- Please welcome our first finalist

tonight, Ms. Fionnuala Lorrigan from Waterford.

Now your talent is to find items of clothing

that haven't been aired properly.

You've got five seconds.

Are you ready?

- I'm ready Ray.

- Go!

- Dry, dry, dry, dry.

These here slacks.

- Excellent, well done, well done, Fionnuala.

Well done, good girl.

- It's her, it's the woman from Dublin, look!

Oh God she's beautiful.

- Mrs. Delahunty, is it true that you

once made volivents for Daniel O'Donnell, is it?

- You've won Housewife of the Year 17

years now, what's your secret, Mrs. Delahunty?

- Well to be honest, there are no

secrets, just good honest hard work.

And of course these.

- How did she pass the drugs test?

- Please welcome Mrs. Delahunty from Dublin.

- I like to call it chicken broccoli.

- Oh for... Sake!

The woman's a genius.

- How can she be a genius, you said

all the people from Dublin are on drugs.

- That's what Today Tonight said, Bridget.

- Well, let's have a little taste.

- Chicken and broccoli.

- Mmm!

What is that on top?

I don't think I've ever tasted anything like it.

- Breadcrumbs, Ray.

Breadcrumbs.

- Let's just go home.

We're f--

- Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Delahunty from Dublin!

- Okay Bridget, there's something

really important I have to tell you now.

There's just one thing that's in

your way of winning this competition.

- The woman from Dublin.

- Okay, there's two things that are

going to stop you from winning this competition.

But most importantly, when you're

out there, don't be yourself.

- You mean be myself.

- No, don't be yourself.

When you're out there and all the

cameras are on you

and Ray is interviewing you and

everyone's staring at you,

just remember one thing, don't be yourself.

'Cause no one, no one cares about you and for God's sake

don't tell them that I made the lasagne.

- Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for

our final finalist tonight,

please welcome Bridget.

- Ooh, here she is!

Walk Bridget, walk!

- Bridget!

Come over here Bridget, come over.

I think it will be safe to say that

you haven't been on live television before, have you?

- Eamon!

- Eamon.

Eamon of course, Eamon.

That's your husband, isn't it?

Is he here tonight?

- Eamon, he is yes, don't be yourself.

- Oh for, sake.

- Tell us what dish have you made for us tonight.

- It's called...

A lasagne.

- Fabulous.

- I just whipped it up while I was

watching Live At Three, I did.

- How long did you cook it for?

- Two hours.

At gas mark...

What?

Five.

- Seven!

- Seven.

- Bridget didn't make that dish.

P.M. today she spent two hours

and 15 minutes getting her hair done.

- Oh for, sake.

- But more to the point, I have a

video of the very person

who did make the lasagne.

- Roll it there Colette.

- What did Eamon make?

- You didn't know, did you?

- Know what?

- Eamon made the lasagne.

- Oh Jesus Eamon!

You let me down!

- Eskimos, we'll be like Eskimos now for the winter.

- I told you we should have got the installation.

- Insulation, Bridget, and insulation is a gimmick.

Nobody will be insulating their houses in 20 years time.

Pebble dash, that's the way forward.

I should have pebble dashed the

whole house, inside and out when I got the chance.

- I know how we can keep ourselves warm.

- I'm not turning on the electric

heater, not even half a bar.

I'm not JR Ewing you know.

You want a mortgage to pay for that yoke.

- No, the natural way.

- You can distinguish those thoughts

out of your head right now.

You know what I blame?

The Late Late Show.

It has your mind twisted.

It's pornography, it's pornography.

Do you know what?

They arrested me for cooking a bit of dinner,

they should arrest your mind and put

it away for a few years.

- I was the one arrested Eamon.

But you know what?

I thought you looked very handsome

cooking on the tele.

- Are you out of your tiny little mind?

Who wants to look at a grown man cooking food?

Especially on the television, I tell

you, the day a man gets his own

show cooking food on the tele, is

the day we've an issue winning the Eurovision.

- You're right, good night, Eamon.

- Take your hand away

from there now, pretty lively Bridget

or I'll cut it off with a hack saw.

I'm warning you Bridget, take it away, take it away.

Bridget!

Bridget!

- Lads, this is Dervla from Thurles.

- Eh, would you like a beard?

Sorry, my moustache, sorry my mistake.

- I warned you Eamon, that's it,

you're under arrest, come on.

I warned you, come on, come on, come with me.

- Do The Golden Girls.