Original subtitles

- This is such a load of shite.

- It is not a load of shite.

It costs 80 pounds a minute to call the States.

All we have to do is record

sounds from home on this device,

post it to my sister in America for a fiver.

She'll love it.

It'll be amazing.

Hello Marcella.

This is Bridget from Ireland.

I'm here with Eamon, yeah.

Say you're here too.

- I'm here too.

- Oh, oh, Eamon has big news about the job.

Tell her your big news about the job, tell her.

- I still have a job.

- Isn't that great Marcella, he still has a job.

We're only delighted.

It rained a lot over the summer, didn't it, Eamon.

- Yeah.

- It did, rained a lot.

And Eamon is going to say something now.

He has something he wants to say to you, he does.

He does, yeah.

Say something, Eamon.

Anything, say something!

- Marcella, remember the night

before you left for JFK

and you told me the only

reason why you were emigrating

was to get away from your thundering

bitch of a sister, Bridget.

Remember that?

And you were crying.

- You make sure you stay in America, you big moany hole,

and you do have a massive arse.

You big feckin' heffalump!

I miss you loads, I hope you come home for Christmas.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, love you, bye.

Huh.

Eamon, get up.

Eamon, wake up!

You'll be late for work, get up!

- I'm asleep Bridget!

- You are not asleep.

Your eyes are open, get up.

Get up.

- Jesus, if I had a hammer now I'd--

- If you had a hammer I'd get you to fix that gate.

Now get up.

- Bridget, I was whispering.

It's rude to listen to a man whisper.

- You can't whisper!

That was not a whisper.

Even the bloody kids could hear you.

Shh, I want to listen to the headlines.

- The Gardai are trying a new

approach to stop domestic terrorism:

road traffic offenses.

A spokesman for the IRA said,

"The reason none of our members

"have full drivers licenses is

"because they're very happy being provisional."

- Your eyes are open, you're awake.

I'll get the fry on.

Can a man not whisper in his own house?

- I can still hear you!

- Eamon, the boss is making an announcement.

Eamon, Eamon, something big is happening.

- Ah Jesus, did Shaughnessy bring the shotgun again?

- No, it's serious this time.

- Computers, computers.

They won't last.

They won't.

I don't now what the world is coming to.

As for the foreigners, don't get me started--

- Okay, thank you very much, off you go.

Good morning, my name is Joan Considine

and I'm here to make changes.

It's out with the old and in with the new.

By the time I'm finished, this will

be a modern, cosmopolitan work environment.

Any questions?

You.

- You're a woman.

- That's not a question but yes,

for the record, I am a woman.

At least I was the last time I checked.

No, still no penis.

Okay, with that out of the way,

I'd like to share my action plan

for hitting our quarter 3 targets.

You, pass those out.

- Sorry, are you the receptionist?

- I am the boss.

What part of that do you not understand?

All of it.

So it looks like the co-ordination

manager will be my first cost-saving.

- The co-ordination manager

is up shit creek anyway.

- Eamon, that's you.

Ah...

Am I definitely the co-ordination manager?

- All day.

- Ah shit.

- Because your father couldn't

keep his mouth shut.

- You weren't there Bridget.

- Shut up!

He's lost his job.

- What kind of example would

I show to the six to eight kids here

if I wasn't to speak up?

- Shut up.

- She was a woman Bridget.

She was a woman boss.

- Isn't Maggie Thatcher the boss of England.

- Yeah she is.

And all the English are on drugs.

And tell me this:

When was the last time England won the Eurovision?

- Jesus Christ.

Anyway, we can't afford to keep

you all so three of you are going

to go and have to live with your

spinster mental aunty in Longford.

Who wants to go to Longford?

- Bridget, who in their right

mind wants to live in Longford?

- Right, so myself and your father

will pick two children we like the most.

You go first.

- Eh, the youngest fella.

- Marie Teresa.

- PJ.

No wait, what's your name again?

- It's PJ.

- Who's the tall fella with

a chance of playing county?

- Me, JP.

- That's right, JP.

- No, we're going to have to go

with your first choice. PJ.

- Whoa, whoa, no, no, no, they're not the rules.

- They are.

- Since when? - Since always.

- No, no if you haven't crossed that

line in the carpet you can still change your mind.

Now you.

- Go back.

Now, the last child I'm going

to pick caused me the least

bit of pain in childbirth.

For that reason, the person I'm not

sending to go live with their

spinster, mental aunty is...

Mairead!

PJ, TJ, and Mary.

Would you stop your whinging and

go and pack your things.

- I hope you like eating cats.

- Go on.

- Bridget!

Bridget!

- What?

- Where's the remote control?

- You sent him to go live with

his spinster aunty in Longford.

- What is the point in having

children if you've to get up and

change the television yourself?

Ugh, I'm just going to have

to go and get them back.

There's only one thing for it.

I'm going to have to go out there and get a job.

- No, I just fired you yesterday.

- Ah well, did everything I could.

Right, that didn't work.

There's was only thing for it, Bridget.

You're going to have to go out and get a job.

Come in.

And you are?

- Eamon, it's me, Bridget.

I just changed my clothes.

- Yeah, I know it's you Bridget.

- Then why did you ask me who I was?

- Because we're pretending to interview you.

When you go for a real interview,

it won't be us interviewing you.

Start again.

- Bridget, can I just say I love the new look.

Very London.

Just one question for the fashion

pages of the parish newsletter.

Where did you get those snazzy new duds?

I want to say Dunnes Boutique.

- Father, you're right!

Dunnes, 22.99.

But the glasses are just my own

with a bit of tin foil.

I saw it on Live At Three.

- Ah, Thelma.

- Bridget!

- Sorry.

- Come on!

Come in.

- Hello.

My name's Bridget.

I'm a housewife.

I have six to eight children and my special talent is

I love playing a jig on my box.

- It's not The Rose of Tralee.

I don't care any more.

- Hey hold on, Bridget, Bridget.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time or so?

- Oh, oh, in 5 years I'll probably still be here.

5 years after that...

- Bridget, this is an interview.

You don't tell the truth.

And no one cares if you're unhappy.

- Hold on, Bridget, Bridget, show us your CV.

- What's that?

- That's my sieve.

- That's a yoke for cooking.

- A sieve.

- No Bridget. A C-V.

It stands for Curriculum--

- I'm just going to give this

carpet a bit of a going over.

Did I get the job?

- Give me half a pint.

Put it in a pint glass.

- Three more pints, barman.

- What is the point of the dole

if all you have is enough

money for a few pints

and no groceries?

Daddy, Daddy, I want to eat.

- It's a disgrace, so it is.

Which reminds me of something funny.

You know when you're eating

a bag of chips and the chips

at the top are all covered

in salt and vinegar

but the ones at the bottom aren't.

The ones at the bottom have

literally no salt on them

but the ones at the top are like covered.

What's all that about?

It's hilarious.

- I don't get it.

- Come here, I'm Jimmy, right.

See me and my friends over there.

Martin and Donal.

Actually not Donal.

Forget I said that.

There's nobody here called Donal.

Anyway, we noticed you sitting here on

your own and we were just wondering

if you would like to join us.

- Yeah, sure, why not.

- Good man.

Hop up there, Marty.

Here we are now.

Look at that.

- Would you look at that.

Look what the country's come to.

I asked him for a pint

and he gave me half a pint.

- Do you want me to go up and say something?

- No, no.

- Martin.

So anyway, true story.

I'm going for a piss, and I really want to do a wee fart.

But there's someone next to me at the urinal.

I'm like should I do a wee fart or not.

I'm already pissing next to the guy.

So what do I do in that situation?

That's funny isn't it, that's a good one.

- Two pints of Bass, on the house.

- Bass!

- You'll get used to it.

Shove it into you there.

- Come on, come on.

Harder, put your shoulder into it, will you.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

- I got the job.

- Just 'cause I've a few pints in me

now doesn't mean you can lie to me.

- I'm not.

- Did you show them your sieve!

- Eamon, I got the job.

- No you didn't Bridget.

- I did.

- Bridget, you didn't.

- I did.

- Bridget, you didn't.

- I did.

- Bridget, you didn't. - I did.

- What did they say to you then?

- Congratulations, you got the job, when can you start?

- God, you're stupider than I thought you were.

Who were you talking to?

Some young lad in the playground?

- This is the 1980s, Eamon.

Just 'cause I'm a woman, doesn't mean

I'm useless and it wasn't the playground.

It was the petrol station in the town.

- Well that's just typical of you!

You know I love going to that petrol station.

I can't show my face there now.

- I thought you'd be happy for me.

- What did I tell you about happiness?

It's for Americans and loved-up hippies from Athlone.

Here, hold the wheel there for a second, I'm tired.

- I need a light.

- Jesus Christ Bridget!

You could've caused a serious accident.

Will you hold the wheel.

Keep your eyes on the road will ya.

- Alright, let's go!

Stop!

Light!

Throw!

And again!

Stop!

Light!

Throw!

And run!

Run!

Good, good, good.

- Oh, Jesus.

I haven't ran this much since

Frank told me Philomena Begley

was getting changed in the car park.

- That's not funny, getting a man's hopes up like that.

This Fierce Handy Frank, where does he live?

I'll get Martin to call round to him later.

- You know what, Jimmy, I'm going to sound like a

big blouse saying this but

the last few days hanging round

with ye lads have been fantastic.

Ever since I lost my job,

I lost a bit of myself.

I'm just...

Hanging round with lads, you know.

It's just great being with men.

Doing man stuff, you know.

Talking about men's stuff, like I love men.

I love men, you know.

Especially if there's no feckin'.

- Eamon!

Eamon!

Eamon, Eamon!

Hello!

- Who's that, lads?

- Eamon, it's me, Bridget.

- Kill her.

- Do you want me to take her out?

- I'm coming to you.

- Would you, Martin?

Bring her back around half twelve.

Give me a good night's sleep.

Don't give her West Coast Coolers.

She goes mental.

- Eamon!

Eamon!

Oh, thank god I found you.

I had five minutes.

I brought you something to eat.

- What are you doing here?

You have to ruin everything on me.

- What?

Oh my God.

Eamon, those men, what are you doing?

You should've told me,

I could've brought three more dinners, Eamon.

- Where's the gravy?

- I forgot.

- Go home and get gravy.

Now get out of here.

- There's no gravy on it.

- Aye, it's a disgrace.

- Bridget.

Bring me a bowl of jelly and ice-cream as well, will you?

- The raspberry one-- - I don't care.

Get out of here.

Bridget, Bridget, Bridget.

- What?

- Collect me at half five.

Top of the road, behind the ditch.

Don't let the lads see you.

Get out of here.

- Eamon, Eamon.

There's something.

- Will you just piss off.

- Okay.

Bye!

Bridget, bye!

- Are you ready for the group photograph?

- What? - Hop in there with the boys.

Go on, turn around.

Go on in with the boys, go on.

Good man.

Let's look like we are something, boys, come on.

Give it to me, come on.

Give me the Rising.

Come on now.

Give me laundered diesel, come on.

Very good.

One more, just for luck.

That is nice.

That's going on the mantelpiece now.

- Jesus, for a minute there

I thought I joined the IRA.

- That's funny, I'll use that.

Jesus.

- The day I have had in work today!

Who knew petrol would go up in flames, just like that!

No one told me.

- Where's my dinner?

- Cool your jets, Eamon.

I have the veg boiling since yesterday.

- Cool your jets!

Don't bring your work speak home here.

- The job is great.

Guess who came in to fill up today, Eamon, guess.

- I don't care.

- Willie, Dolores's husband.

And he puts 12 pounds of petrol into the car.

Where's he going with the 12 pounds of petrol?

He only lives up the road.

- Probably to kill himself rather than listen to you.

- Sligo.

Same difference.

- He has a fancy woman up there.

It's the only explanation.

I do feel sorry for Dolores

and the whole town knowing

her husband puts 12 pounds of petrol

into the car, 'cause I told 'em.

But it's the only explanation.

He's having relations with

an English divorcee up in Sligo.

And why, do you blame him?

Sure she's an awful pain in the hole, and a terrible gossip.

- Is this house safe? - What?

- How many males in this house?

- Good, good, good.

We'll be staying for a few days, if that's alright.

Even if it's not alright.

- Bridget, these are my friends from

the unemployed working men's club.

This is Jimmy.

Martin.

And this is definitely not Donal.

- Tea?

- Oh coffee, if it's not too much trouble.

A funny story.

This happened to me.

I was visiting an RUC informant,

before he got shot accidentally by unknown men.

His wife made me a cup of coffee

but she must've been nervous

because what she gave me

was a cup of Gravy Rich.

Tell ya, with the granules, they kind of

look the same, you know what I mean?

Honest to God, that happened to me.

- Didn't his wife get shot too?

- Aye but only in the leg.

Oh Bridget, a lovely cup of coffee.

I must get the recipe off you.

Did someone say dinner?

See what's on two.

No, no, no.

Go back to one.

- We used to have a child that used to do this.

- Shush, shush.

Check two again.

No, no, go back, go back to one.

- What's on two?

- Martin, you're not calling the station!

Jimmy's calling the station.

You've seen one and you've seen two.

What's it going to be, one or two?

- Go back to two.

- What's on one?

- Go back to two, I'm missing my program.

- Bridget, see you with your choppy changey hair.

You obviously know a bit about hair dos.

Could you do me a wee favour?

You're allowed to say no but

I wouldn't recommend it.

Could you give me a bit of a trim?

- You want me to cut your hair?

What kind of style would you like?

Something like Eamon's?

- God no, no.

Just something to make me look a bit less recognizable.

- Like a disguise?

- Yeah, actually, maybe so much like a disguise

that it actually is a disguise.

- That could be fun.

- Okay.

Are you going anywhere nice on your holidays?

- Hopefully not.

ET is not your cousin.

- He is, the little fella with the long neck and the tan.

That's my cousin.

- I know you won't mind.

It's just I have a bad back.

This bed is perfect for it, so it is.

It's not a problem, is it?

- Oh Jesus no.

We're delighted to have you.

- Bridget, what are you doing?

- I'm going to bed.

I have work in the morning.

- Will you stop trying to take all my friends!

If anyone's going to sleep with him, it's going to be me.

- Ah now.

Do you know what the worst thing in the world is, Eamon?

Eamon.

- I'm asleep Jimmy.

- You know, when you're in bed nice and cozy and

you realize you've left a big light on.

Literally the worst, isn't it.

Am I right?

Am I right?

You're lying there like a tortoise

going I'm not coming out of here.

But the big light is like, I'm on.

Burning electricity, so it is.

Eamon, do you know that Eamon?

Do you know that?

- Bridget!

Bridget, turn off the light.

- She can't hear you Eamon.

- She's asleep down in the car.

She'll be up in a minute.

Bridget, Bridget!

- Light's still on Eamon.

It's on.

Eamon, the light.

While you're up there, how about a wee glass of water?

When you come back I'll tell

you the story about the night

I didn't get any sleep at all.

It's long but it's very funny.

Good man.

Eamon, tell the boys about

the craic we had last night.

Not the ideal preparation for the big operation.

- What?

- The operation, it's today.

- You're getting your appendix out?

- Leave the funny stuff to me.

The plan, Eamon.

We've been working on it the last few days.

- The snatch for cash operation.

- Listen, Jimmy, your accent is so strong,

I'm only getting about every third or fourth word.

Honestly, since you've arrived here, I haven't

a notion about what's going on.

- Pardon?

- It's a natural thing that happens in the morning.

- Oh no, no, I said pardon, not hard on.

- What is, can we not just drink beer and

watch Thelma Mansfield on the telly?

- Oh I get it.

Loose lips cost lives.

Sure I didn't get half of it either.

Sure, I don't know what's going on.

We were just watching Thelma Mansfield the whole time.

- I don't know what you're--

- Now, back to business.

Our target for kidnapping is local

businesswoman, Joan Considine.

- Why do you have a picture of local

businesswoman, Joan Considine?

- 'Cause she's our target for kidnapping.

Local businesswoman, Joan Considine.

- Why do you have a picture of local

businesswoman, Joan Considine?

- Because she is our target for kidnapping.

- Okay, why do you have a picture of

local businesswoman, Joan Considine?

- Joan Considine.

- If they didn't pay you, you wouldn't do it.

Eamon, did you know that when

you're putting petrol into a car

you don't just put it into the boot?

- Yeah, I heard that.

- The way Father Gabriel was screaming,

you'd swear everybody knew that.

The language out of him.

And he said there's going to be

an extra collection on Sunday.

Is he still driving that Opel Kadett?

- Are you feeling okay?

I just said we have to give more money on Sunday.

- Sure it's your money, I don't care.

- What's happened?

Is your mother here?

Why are you standing in front of the good room?

- It wasn't me.

Jimmy and the lads wouldn't take off their boots and

the fella that's not called Donal stepped in dog shite.

- No!

Not the good room!

Eamon no!

Jesus, who brings dog shit into a house!

You're not hanging out with those

men any more, let me see it.

- White carpet Bridget!

It's your own fault.

- Jesus Christ, get out of my way.

Don't make me cut you.

Anything else you want to tell me?

- Martin broke the Soda Stream.

- What about that woman who's tied to one of my good chairs?

- Eamon, let me go.

- She knows your name!

- It's the woman boss, Joan something.

- Considine.

Bridget, I know it's you.

- How does she know who you are?

- I'm not working at the petrol station,

I did get a job, your old job.

- Who knows about this?

Does she know about it?

- She's my boss, Eamon.

- I can hear everything you're saying.

You're right there.

And you're terrible at whispering.

- No I'm not, I'm a brilliant whisperer.

I weed myself once at the ploughing championship.

- Bridget told me.

- Bridget!

- Donal, oh you're in big trouble, Donal!

Mammy's been looking for you, Donal!

- Oh great, she's your sister.

Am I the only one she doesn't know?

- Hi, Jimmy.

- Hiya Joan.

- Martin, you're looking well.

- Okay, so Joan knows.

Okay, we won't say a word.

We won't say anything.

But you have to give Eamon back his job.

- Deal.

- I put jam in the fax machine at Christmas.

- We'll take it out of your wages.

- Ah shit!

- Eamon, get rid of him.

- How?

- I can hear you.

Anyways, you're standing at the sink

scraping the burnt toast and

all the wee black crumbs flying

everywhere, it's a disaster, so it is.

All I wanted was a slice of toast.

Eamon, a slice of toast

was all I wanted.

- If I get you toast, will you please go home?

- Aye, I suppose I will.

Bridget, were you ever on an

airplane and you get the wee tiny meals?

And on the meal is a wee small tomato.

It's like the balls on a child's snooker table.

And you put your knife in, the minute you touch it

with a knife, bang, explosion.

All over the place,

and I know a thing or two about explosives.

- Would you ever shut up.

- And here's another thing.

Leo Sayer, what is going on there?

♫ When I need love, I hold

♫ Out my hand and I touch love.

Who's he talking about?

Is he on his own in the room?

Is he with his girlfriend?

What's going on?

Leo Sayer, he's a mystery.