Original subtitles

- Hello, three-two-zero-nought-oh-oh.

What?

I thought I told you never to call here again.

That's disgusting!

Oh my God.

How dare you!

You've gone too far now.

Eamon! Eamon!

Your mother's on the phone.

- Hi Mammy.

Hiya.

Yeah, it's mental looking.

It still looks like she was electrocuted.

What?

Yeah, it's massive.

It's getting bigger, yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I'm your special little boy.

I know I'm your special little boy, yeah, yeah.

Mammy, I know, yeah.

Okay, I love you.

Okay, bye bye.

Bye bye, Mammy.

Okay, love you.

Bye bye.

I love you Mammy.

Okay, bye bye.

Don't ever talk to my mother like that again!

- Eamon, Eamon, get up.

Eamon, I'm hosting that party

for Father Gabriel and the man from Dublin and Jesus,

they're going to be here in 17 hours!

- What party?

- What party!

Eamon, I've been organizing this for weeks.

I've decorated the whole house.

Bridget, I don't pay attention to you.

You know that.

- Isn't that lovely.

Isn't that lovely now.

And all I do for you.

I've had your six to eight children.

The last one, he nearly killed me.

He was so big he walked out of me

with the Inter Cert and what do I get in return?

- I'll tell you what you get in return.

You get to get up and get me my breakfast.

How's that?

- Oh, I'm talking about feelings, Eamon.

When was the last time you told me you loved me?

- I told you on the night of our

wedding that I liked you, Bridget.

And don't be talking about love around the kids.

They'll grow up to be weirdos.

- It's not enough.

I need passion, lust, Eamon.

I need to be told Bridget, I love ya.

Passion, lust and new cylinders for the Soda Stream.

- You can feck off!

- You've crossed the line now.

You've gone too far.

- They're 3.75 a canister, Bridget.

- I'm not talking about the Soda Stream.

I'm talking about us.

Do you know, Eamon, sometimes I think we should

get a d, a d-d-d.

I can't even say it.

- Go on, go on, say it.

Because we're not getting a dog.

Not after what the last one did in the sitting room.

I told you white carpet was a problem there, didn't I?

The minute he opened up the landing gears.

The minute he saw it.

- A divorce, Eamon!

- A divorce.

Oh, that's rich coming from you, huh?

And you have your party later on with Father Gabriel

and the man from Dublin.

Who by the way, is from Dublin.

They've all have divorces up there.

He probably has had a divorce!

- How could he be?

It's illegal, you dope!

And another thing!

If you come back here pissed up

out of your head with that brother Feilim,

making a show of me in front of Father Gabriel

and the man from Dublin,

who by the way, is from Dublin,

I'll make you spend the day with the kids.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Everybody calm down, all right?

Look, this conversation has gotten away from us Bridget.

Look, I do,

I do,

I lo...

I lo..

I do lo...

I love the jizzy milk, Bridget.

Like there enough gas for half a glass there?

- Make your own jizz.

- Yo dude! Eamon!

Bro!

It's great to be back on the old sod.

- Who are you?

- It's me, Feilim, man.

Come on.

- Why are you talking like that?

- Well, you know, it's been a long time,

you know, man.

- It's been a year.

I dropped you off here last April.

- Well, come on dude.

So much for the land of a thousand welcomes.

- Feilim, remember when you were four

and you came home from school and told myself

and Father that you wanted to be an astronaut.

- Yeah.

- And the father says, get up on the roof

there and jump off.

Yeah?

- Yeah.

- And remember what happened?

You broke your arm.

And do you remember what the father said to you?

He said you're not an astronaut.

- What is your point, Eamon?

- You're not American now, either.

Now get in the car and stop shiting on.

- Do you know what?

I've wanted to say this to you for 20 years

and I hope it devastates you.

Well he wasn't your real fat--

- Want to go for a pint, yes or no?

- Yeah, go on.

- No, you'll have the get out and push.

- And then I said, I feel like Bobby Ewing.

And she said, "What, all confused and out of the shower?"

And I said, no.

I'd like a feel of Bobby Ewing.

- Oh!

- He can step out of my shower any day, girls.

- No, no, you don't have a shower.

- The bath then, you bore.

- I don't think he's worth putting the emersion on for!

- Or the coil.

- Okay, Bridget, you're going to have to

get rid of her 'cause she's going

to make a total show of you

in front of the man from Dublin.

- She's gone sex mad ever since she

watched The Lover's Guide on The Late Late.

- They say whiskey makes you frisky.

But brandy makes you want a threesome.

- Jesus Christ.

- I don't want any trouble, Barbara.

- Trouble is my middle name.

- No it's not.

It's Finbar.

And to be quite frank, I think it adds to your anger.

- If you want me to leave, make me!

- No!

Look, I'm walking away.

You're too good of a neighbor to hurt.

Oh my God, look!

It's Johnny Logan!

- Where?

- Fight!

Go on! Go on!

Fight fast!

- Ta harken, ta harken, ta harken, ta harken.

- Get back in there, Bridget.

And rip her feckin' head off.

- Hit her! Hit her!

- When I was 17 a young fella grabbed me by the arse

and you know what I did to him?

I told him to start with the tits!

- Oh!

- I don't like doing this, Barbara.

- No! No! No!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

- Okay, it's time to go.

- I think I did me hip.

- Oh Jesus, do you want a lift home?

Come here to me.

Come here.

He's here!

He's here!

- Remember the time...

we left you in that mad lad's house?

What was his name?

I can't think now.

We came back a few days later and you were cryin'.

- Yeah, I remember that.

- Remember the time myself and the father told you

there was a nuclear war?

We buried you out in the back garden.

And then we came back, you were cryin'.

- Yeah.

- Remember the time,

you came home from school

and there was no one in the house?

The father wrote you a note

saying we'd all moved to America

and you couldn't come 'cause you were stupid?

We came back a few days later and you were crying.

Which is ironic 'cause you ended up doing to America.

- You know that stuff scarred me, Eamon.

That cut me deep.

- Ah, shut up.

It was only a bit of crack.

How's that American wife of yours?

- That's the reason I'm home.

- Oh, she wreckin' your head already?

- You could say that.

- That's not good.

Better off separating.

- That's exactly it.

That's why I'm home.

Me and the misses are splitting up.

- For a while, then tell her to shut up.

Works for me and Bridget.

Paid, give us two more pints here and two small ones.

You're paying for them.

- Bridget, hello.

This is Declan Butler from Butler PR.

- From Dublin?

- Yep, I'm from Dublin.

- The man from Dublin?

- Declan.

- Declan, the man from Dublin.

- Yes.

- Sorry, Declan, the man from Dublin, Butler.

- Yeah, can we come in or?

- Yes.

You may.

Ladies, please welcome Declan,

the man from Dublin, Butler.

- Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Please call me Declan.

- He's gas!

- I'll cut to the chase.

Father, could you set up the projector, please?

- Now, would you like a mint Viscount?

- I'm fine, thank you.

- He's okay.

He's fine. He's fine.

- Shut up, you fool.

- So ladies, I run a successful PR company

called Butler PR.

- Oh, it's a great title.

- Now, PR as you all know stands for?

- Paul Rory.

- No, no, it stands for public relations.

- No, no, it stands for Paul Rory.

It does, yeah.

He works in the butchers in town.

- Shut the fuck up, Concepta.

- Thank you.

I have been tasked by the No Campaign,

with finding a shining light.

A figurehead that sets an example to Irish people

to vote no in the upcoming referendum.

Father, lights please.

- Oh!

- This is Bridget and Eamon.

- Oh my God, I'm on the telly.

Where'd you get those photos?

- Oh, the No Campaign asked me to assist Declan,

so when yourself and Eamon went to

Thurles to see Philomena Begley that one time,

I let myself in your house and just

went through all your stuff.

- Oh my God.

You are so good.

- As I was saying, Bridget and Eamon.

Married at 20.

Have 6 to 8 children.

They go to mass every Sunday.

They watch The Late Late Show

even though they think it's shite.

They consume vast quantities of pork, cigarettes,

sucky sweets and tea.

- That's right.

You're amazing.

- I know.

Next slide please, Father.

And the next one please.

Oh the humanity.

- Oh.

- And finally.

- Oh, Jesus.

- What is the point of all of this?

- The point is you shouldn't be together.

You should get a divorce.

- Jesus!

- How dare you!

I love my husband.

And he's told me on several occasions

that he likes me, too.

- He can't even tell you that he loves you.

- Sorry, what's love got to do with marriage?

- I have to say I agree with Bridget on this one, Declan.

I mean, surely love is just something that exists between

a stable boy and the lady of the manor.

Oh he's from the wrong side of the tracks,

he's ruggedly handsome and they're from two social circles,

totally different.

It shouldn't really happen.

The heart wants what it wants.

- Everybody here should get a divorce.

- Oh!

- Christ, no! - Jesus!

- Look, personally I don't care about divorce.

I don't even care about you people.

I most certainly don't care about

the basic moral structure of society.

- Oh my God!

- But if an organization is willing

to give me a shed load of money

to win a referendum, then I do care.

Tell me, why won't you get a divorce?

- Because I'm a devoted housewife.

- Rubbish. Why?

- It would destroy my family.

- Now go on outta that.

Why Bridget?

- Because I'm a Catholic.

- Bullshit. Why?

- I'm afraid of dying alone?

- Nice one but why, Bridget, why?

- Because..

- Say it.

- Because..

- Utter the sweet nectar of truth, Bridget.

- I'm afraid of what the neighbors would think.

- Yes!

We are all bound together as Irish people

by a common fear of what

the neighbors would think.

A state run on the gluttonous oil of paranoia.

- I have a cream for that!

- In the name of the Father

and the son and Holy Spirit.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- How are you, sexy?

I have to say you're looking as sexy as ever.

Sexy...

- Get up, get up to bed!

- Father, sorry Father.

I meant, sorry Father, I meant lovely.

- Get out!

- By me a drink first.

- You two are a disgrace.

I told you not to go drinking.

- He's a drink light.

I can't handle his weight.

- You've ruined my no to the divorce party.

And it was going so well,

albeit a massive invasion of my privacy but.

- Eh, what's wrong with getting divorced?

- It's for Brits and drug dealers.

- It's wrong!

That's all you need to know.

- Well I got divorced in America and I'm fine.

- What?

- You have AIDS now.

- What are you talking about?

They're like totally separate things.

- You need to get out of here.

You need to go!

Father Gabriel and the man from Dublin,

they're experts and they'll smell it off him.

- It's not contagious.

- Yes it is!

You're going to have to piss outside.

- Oh thank God it's not on my side.

- It's the '80s.

Everybody's getting divorced.

- You have brought shame onto this family.

She already had it with her crazy

aunt who punched the bean guard.

But this Feilim, this.

- What are you talking about?

I just got a divorce.

Sure you're not even married.

- What?

- Don't lie to me.

Are you on the drugs now?

- Jesus, Eamon, I am not on drugs.

I just got a divorce.

- Jesus, stop saying that word.

- I suppose you had to sell your hole

to Latino pimps to pay rent to them.

- You're not to bring heroin into this house.

- I'm glad I emigrated when I did because you two

are stuck in the middle ages.

Ye judging me?

And ye're not even married.

- What are you talking about?

Is that the horse now entering his system?

- Is that the horse entering your system?

- I can't believe you don't remember.

It was the '70s.

Eamon had just left his folk rock trad group,

Fights, Pints & Poetry,

and was out on the lash with the remaining members.

He was so sloshed, I could barely hold him up.

Jesus Eamon, will you get it together?

Come on.

- Where's Plank my blessed ham?

- I have to step in now 'cause Bridget's coming.

Come on.

- I want Flank.

I want Flank.

- Are you nervous, Bridget?

- Why would I be nervous?

- Shouldn't be nervous at all.

It's just some women, like yourself,

would think giving up such a

fantastic career opportunity like

the one you have with Aer Lingus,

would just freak them out, that's all.

- Eamon said we're going to travel the world in anyway.

- Yeah, of course.

- Oh, now you have me nervous.

Give me one of those yokes.

- But you've never had one before.

Some people say they're addictive.

- Give it to me!

- Ladies.

- Where's Daddy?

- I don't know.

Are you going up there?

- Yeah.

- Come on, I'm going that way, come on.

- Bridget, stop it.

Bridget!

Get a move, the music is on.

Bridget!

- Hi, hi.

♫ We are gathered here together

♫ To join in holy matrimony

♫ Bridget and Eamon

Please be seated.

- You two were so out of it,

you didn't even know what was going on.

And when it came to the vows...

- Bridget, do you take Eamon

in sickness and in health,

for richer or poorer,

'til death do you both part?

- Whoo!

- Okay.

Eamon, do you take Bridget

in sickness and in health,

for richer or poorer,

'til death ye both shall part?

- I will fight me.

- Fair enough.

- Now by the power vested in me

by the Holy Trinity and Maynooth.

That's a little seminary joke there.

I now declare you man and the wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- Get me chips!

- Sure Father Gabriel was so inexperienced

he didn't even get you to sign the register.

- There's only one thing we can do.

- What?

- Get married again.

- Now hold on a second now.

Let's think this one through.

- What's there to think through?

- If I'm not married,

I don't have to help around the house.

- No.

- And if I'm not married,

I don't have to pretend I care about the kids

or their education or.

- What?

- If I'm not married and this age,

I should be going out with some 20 year old.

- What 20 year old?

- Bridget's niece, but that's not the point.

If I'm not married, I'm a free man.

- Well I'm a free woman as well.

- No you're not.

You've your housework and whatever you're doing

with the kids.

- Raise them it!

Which niece?

- Assumpta.

- So tell me, what's a pretty pony like you doing here

with all these wonky donkeys?

- Sorry, Eamon?

- You know, there's just nowhere in this town

for a single man to cruise the lady highways.

- Are you talking about Highway to Heaven?

I love that program.

- Oh I could bring you on your highway to heaven.

- Do you know someone working on the show?

- Enough of this chit-chat.

Let's break loose this dump

and make tonight like a storage heater.

Three and a half minutes of intense heat,

followed by a couple of days of a cooling off period.

- But I thought you were on the gas.

- Oh, my pilot light is always on for you, Noreen.

- Eamon, I don't mean to be impolite, here.

I've known you 20 years.

But are you having a bit of a stroke there?

- No, a stroke?

Why would I?

What? What? What?

Can a man not chat up a woman now in his own house?

- Listen you thundering ignoramus.

We are getting married and we're getting married now.

Feilim!

You're his best man.

Go get Noreen.

She's my maid of honor.

- All right, what are you going to say to Father Gabriel?

How are ya, Father?

You didn't marry us properly the first time.

Do it again.

He's not going to go for that.

Father Gabriel, come out here now!

- Yes Bridget?

- Remember you said it was a shocking

shame that Prince Charles and Lady Di

never had the Catholic wedding?

- Oh an absolute shame, Bridget.

I mean, I know the royal family are head

of the Church of England,

but there should've been some wriggle room.

I mean, I thought personally it was just crying out

for an offertory procession or something.

- Why don't you show us how you do it?

Oh do.

I'll get the room ready.

- Oh, fantastiche!

I don't know what to wear.

- If I'm getting married, I'm having a stag.

Have you any wine on you?

I think I have some emergency funeral wine.

- Go get it.

Oh.

- You nervous Bridget?

- Why would I be nervous?

- Oh, you shouldn't be at all.

- You do know the day you married Eamon

I thought you threw your whole life away.

But obviously you're very happy.

- Eamon says happiness is a load of shite.

- That's nice.

- Oh, now I am nervous.

Give me one of my valiums.

- You ate the last one.

Do you want one of mine?

- Give us one.

- It's ketamine.

Got it from the vet for my nerves.

- What does it do?

- You'll see.

- Ladies, are you going up that way?

Come on.

- Jesus Eamon, will you get it together!

How'd you get so drunk so quickly?

- Oh, where's Flank, my best ham?

- And now the offertory procession.

A Soda Stream!

Ah, Concepta.

- It as all I could find.

- Representing the stream of life

that carbonates the soul and adds jizz to all.

And now, a reading from St. Paul to the Romans.

Dear Romans, How come you never write back?

Just a little joke there.

- There we are now.

So here's the release form for you to sign so that we...

- Take Prince Charles.

- Eamon.

- In sickness and in health,

for richer or poorer,

'til death ye both shall part.

- Whoo!

- Okay.

Do you, Prince Charles--

- Eamon.

- Take Diana Spencer--

- Bridget.

- In sickness and in health,

for richer or poorer,

'til death ye both shall part?

- I will fight me!

- Fair enough.

I now pronounce you man and the wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- Eamon! Eamon no!

- It's not going to happen, Bob.

It's balubas down here.

Absolute carnage.

Stephen King couldn't write this shit.

I'm good, Bob, but I'm not that good.

- Sure about this Bridget?

- I've got needs too, Feilim.

Oh!

The state of you!

- You feckin' idiot.

- We're going to send that photo to your kid in America.

We have him on the phone.

We told him your daddy's in bits.

- That is not funny.

Feilim Junior, it's Daddy.

I'm alive.

Father Gabriel?

- You're not crack since you got that divorce.

- I am plenty crack.

- You're not, he's not you know.

- I know!

- I'm what?

I'm gonna tell you something now

and I hope it devastates you.

That man that you think is your father is actually--

- Do you want a lift to the airport, yes or no?

I can't be waiting all day on you.

Come on.

- Yeah, go on.