Original subtitles

[Daphne] Morning, May. Oh...

Mistress May.

-[Daphne laughs] -You can call me May. That's fine.

[softly] Okay. May.

You remember my assistant, Carter.

[Daphne] Nice shiner.

Thanks.

[Daphne laughs]

Oh, um, we're actually a shoes-off household.

I know, we're those people. Sorry! [laughs]

But the floors...

The floors! [laughs]

So, shoes. Thank you so much, yeah.

-Yeah, um... -Thank you so much. Thank you.

May, I know this isn't the way that you normally do things, but, um...

[whispers] I really want this to be a surprise, so thank you so much.

Yeah, anything to help.

I need all the help I can get, obviously.

-[man] Daph? -Yeah.

[man] Talking to yourself again.

Hey, hon, I'm in here. Um...

I... I just have some new friends that I wanted you to meet.

-Hey there... folks. -Hey. Hey.

-Hi. -Um... I wanted to surprise you.

Andrew Johnson Gonzales,

this is May,

and she is here to...

tickle you.

So, this is our kids' playroom.

They're with their grandparents this weekend.

Yeah, let's not talk about your kids.

Oh, I just thought maybe...

Sorry, I've never done this before.

Um, would you like more cheese?

No, I shouldn't.

What... um...

What do you think is happening up there? Because I told her, um, exactly...

what he wants.

Oh, um...

some people say things privately that they wouldn't say publicly.

I'm not...

public. I'm his wife.

Right.

And it's so exceptional what you're doing for him.

It's not for him. It's for me.

You sure about your clothes?

Uh... yeah.

Uh...

I don't even take my clothes off in a...

uh...

massage.

Just feels more appropriate...

for my wife.

Hm.

Lift your arms.

I did try to do it one time.

The...

tickling thing.

I kind of, like, touched his armpit, and he let...

He let out this, like, weird moan.

And I didn't know...

who it was. I didn't recognize the voice.

I didn't know if it was somebody that I wanted to even meet. It was like...

[chuckles]

"Who is this, you know, stranger?"

When you're a little girl, you, um...

you have this fantasy of what... of what the perfect...

husband would look like, or the perfect life, and then...

you know.

[both chuckle awkwardly]

Tickling somebody until they scream "mother"

is not really part of the vows.

Can I tell you a story?

[laughs]

Oh!

Ooh.

[moaning]

Ooh! Ah!

Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!

I mean, I'm, like, really giving it to him,

and he's about to come, like full-blown,

and... she bursts in the room, and...

boom!

She hit you?

Why?

She was angry.

But why did she hit you and not him?

She loves him?

-Oh! -Say "mother."

Say "mother."

-Mother! -Say "mother."

Have you ever hit anyone?

Just to release stress?

And get away from all the bullshit?

[laughs]

No, what... ? I couldn't.

-[Andrew] Mother! -Um...

[Andrew] Mother?

Mother! Mother!

You could hit me...

if you wanted.

I already have the shiner, so...

[Andrew] Mother!

How does $200 sound?

[breathing heavily]

[inhales]

[Tiff] What did I tell you? Hm?

I am the dominatrix, not you.

Okay.

Lesson learned.

What am I going to do? I'm supposed to go on a date.

A date?

You remember those, right?

Two people sitting across from each other,

-expressing vulnerability. -Do you even know this person?

It's just a coffee date.

You know, you can get murdered in a coffee shop.

Okay, we go to kinky...

darkly sexual strangers' houses for a living.

I can meet a dude for an iced coffee.

Or latte.

What do you think is more attractive to order?

-You sure you're allowed to be in here? -Don't be such a Republican.

Oh, God.

No, I'm gonna look like I'm wearing makeup.

You're gay. Get over it.

[door opens]

-[Tiff] Doug! -Whoa!

Unisex bathrooms are very woke.

Um...

This is Pete.

[Doug] Hi, new friend.

I, um... I really need to move some product

before class,

uh, and I'm not gonna be able to do the do with you in here.

Okay, well, you're gonna have to hold it.

Cool.

You did, um...

a pretty good job on your presentation the other day.

Oh, my God.

A compliment from you? It's like a Bigfoot sighting.

No one will believe me.

Kate seemed to really like it, too.

[whispers] Who's Kate?

Yeah, yeah, she thinks my dad and her goldfish

are swimming around in heaven together.

Yeah, I'm sure you guys talked all about it.

Nah, I don't believe in heaven.

-Okay, this is my new favorite show. -Okay, bye!

Okay, does it look like I'm wearing makeup?

No.

Are you wearing makeup?

[dance music plays]

What?

What? No.

[shouting] No!

What?

I thought you said you wanted to get coffee.

Love you, hon.

It's just kind of hard to get to know each other over the music.

The noise and all this, you know...

The bulges.

Scorpio!

-It's been a long time-- -I'm gonna go!

Why?

Because I want a latte!

Whoa.

Whoa, what's... what's the problem?

I don't know. I guess I didn't envision a date

with you groping strippers

and flirting with anybody with stubble and a pulse.

You're gay... right?

Maybe I'm straight, huh?

If that's what being gay is, then maybe I don't want to be.

Or maybe I'm bi.

People are bi now. Open your mind, okay?

Okay, you're the one lying about wearing makeup, so...

Well, I got punched in the face by my roommate's girlfriend

for sticking my fingers up his butt. Okay?

And you can't give a go-go boy a dollar?

-Okay. -Okay, let's...

How do you take your coffee?

Can I get you some coffee? Congratulations. Let's go.

I'd love some. Very happy for you.

-Rate this one. -Mmm, four.

Four? Flaccid, or?

-Five. -Seven.

Harsh.

[Peter laughs]

Well, here we are,

looking at dicks with coffees.

Compromise.

-That's right. -Cheers.

[Peter] Mmm.

Here, let me see it.

Ooh.

Your roommate's GF has a mean hook.

Um, I mean, that may not be all of the story.

[Charles] That's not funny.

[Kate] I'm not trying to do anything.

You have a little schoolyard crush thing...

I think you have the wrong idea.

I... Professor, I strictly want to keep things professional here.

Oh, yeah?

I'm... I'm very professional.

I'm serious. Stop it right now.

[Tiff] Kate!

Oh, my God, I have been looking everywhere for you.

Tiff.

I see you're feeling better.

So much better.

Thanks.

We were just, uh... we were having a private conversation here.

Oopsie.

I guess it's a three-way now.

Actually, Kate...

why don't you go?

I would like to have a chat with our professor.

[mouthing] Thank you.

Look...

I'm not that kind of guy.

[groans]

I have been dealing with guys like you

-my entire life. -[groaning]

Which reminds me, Professor...

what have you been lecturing me on?

[grunting]

Oh, right...

Boundaries.

Ah!

[breathing heavily]

I cannot believe you're uncomfortable in gay bars

and that's your job.

Okay, well, the human psyche is a twisted place.

So, you didn't finish your story about the bruise.

Oh, it's a long story.

Aren't you, like, a comedian or something?

I'm not gonna do it here. There are, like...

teens around.

Yeah, let's call it an audience.

[Doug] Tiff!

Hey! Where are you going?

Just away from here.

You okay?

I'm fine, Doug.

We have class in, like, five minutes.

Yeah, I'm not going.

For why?

You wouldn't understand.

I could try.

I would like to try.

You know...

we're very different.

You and me. You know that, right?

Uh...

I should've just shit in front of you. I...

When I was shitting today,

I kept thinking, "She shits, too. You'll have something in common."

It's like, I could be the guy who shit in front of you.

Listen, you terrify me, but I just...

I just like you.

So let's be friends.

'Cause I... I think you wanna be my friend.

Okay, friends?

Tuesday.

7:00 p.m. You pick the place.

This a...

This a date?

See ya, friend.