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1
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:12,744
Yeesh. The Dollar Store has
definitely seen better days.
2
00:00:12,820 --> 00:00:14,412
[GROANS] This low-rent dump
3
00:00:14,489 --> 00:00:16,656
looks like the set of a zombie movie.
4
00:00:16,732 --> 00:00:17,823
- Brands...
- [GASPS]
5
00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:19,733
Brands!
6
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:23,496
No one ever heard of these brands.
7
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:26,983
Look, we spent a lot of money
on food for tonight's party,
8
00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:29,627
so I have to scrimp on the utensils,
9
00:00:29,704 --> 00:00:31,745
paper plates, and toilet paper.
10
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:32,989
Mm.
11
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,840
[LISA AND BART SHUDDER]
12
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,826
Oh, great.
13
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,603
It's Helen Lovejoy.
14
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:42,607
- Quick, kids, paper towels.
- Marge? Marge Simpson.
15
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,776
I assumed that was you coming
out of the shame store,
16
00:00:44,927 --> 00:00:46,502
so I rushed right over.
17
00:00:46,521 --> 00:00:47,837
Hi, Helen.
18
00:00:47,930 --> 00:00:51,023
Stocking up on potted meat
and broken ramen packets?
19
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,785
You know,
the church pantry is always open
20
00:00:53,861 --> 00:00:55,787
to the under-fortunate.
21
00:00:55,938 --> 00:00:58,698
[GROANS] I'm just getting some supplies
22
00:00:58,774 --> 00:01:00,016
for my birthday party tonight.
23
00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:03,035
Right. Your little backyard soiree.
24
00:01:03,112 --> 00:01:04,687
For my birthday, Timothy took me
25
00:01:04,706 --> 00:01:08,466
on the Josh Groban Canadian
canal cruise. [LAUGHS]
26
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:11,861
But I'm sure your thing
will be just as fun.
27
00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:15,789
- [GROWLS]
- Oh, boy.
28
00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:17,976
[GROWLING]
29
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:24,023
[CONTINUES GROWLING]
30
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,637
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- What's her deal?
31
00:01:30,715 --> 00:01:32,882
She bumped into Helen
Lovejoy at the shame store
32
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:34,659
and has been growling ever since.
33
00:01:34,810 --> 00:01:36,552
[LAUGHS] Don't worry.
34
00:01:36,571 --> 00:01:38,645
Whenever she comes home
with a murderous rage
35
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:41,648
in her cute little eyes,
she goes upstairs for a bit,
36
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:46,579
then when she comes down,
she's cool as a mule in summer school.
37
00:01:46,655 --> 00:01:50,967
I wonder what she does up there
to de-stress herself so fully.
38
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,182
[FEMALE AI VOICE] You've reached
39
00:01:58,259 --> 00:01:59,350
your imagination limit for the month.
40
00:01:59,427 --> 00:02:02,503
To keep imagining, please subscribe.
41
00:02:02,505 --> 00:02:06,766
I can't imagine,
but whatever she does, it works.
42
00:02:06,842 --> 00:02:09,435
All right, my loveables.
43
00:02:09,512 --> 00:02:12,846
Let's throw me the best
birthday party ever.
44
00:02:12,848 --> 00:02:14,657
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [LAUGHTER]
45
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,684
Who wants crab puffs?
46
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:18,870
- Yeah.
- Ah!
47
00:02:18,946 --> 00:02:21,447
Marge, this party is a hit.
48
00:02:21,524 --> 00:02:23,766
Even the Springfield celebs are here.
49
00:02:23,785 --> 00:02:26,693
I know. Wolfcastle, Arnie Pye,
50
00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:28,880
freaking Bumblebee Man is here.
51
00:02:28,956 --> 00:02:30,773
And you know who's not here?
52
00:02:30,792 --> 00:02:33,700
A bunch of snot-nosed children. Mwah.
53
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:34,787
Where'd you put them all?
54
00:02:34,796 --> 00:02:36,946
[CHILDREN GRUMBLING]
55
00:02:36,964 --> 00:02:38,464
I'm a pimple.
56
00:02:39,467 --> 00:02:41,726
I never imagined that everyone in town
57
00:02:41,803 --> 00:02:43,619
would show up for my birthday.
58
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:48,624
Of course we did, Marge.
Springfield adores you.
59
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,068
You're a bake sale legend.
60
00:02:50,144 --> 00:02:53,905
You always have spare underwear
for my Milhouse's "uh-ohs."
61
00:02:53,981 --> 00:02:55,631
Plus, you're always nice to everybody,
62
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:59,726
even the town jerks, like me and,
uh, no offense, Homer.
63
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:00,820
Oh.
64
00:03:00,822 --> 00:03:03,414
By the pinots ingested in me,
65
00:03:03,491 --> 00:03:07,660
I hereby decree Marge Simpson
the nicest lady in Springfield.
66
00:03:07,736 --> 00:03:09,629
[CHEERING]
67
00:03:15,257 --> 00:03:18,596
Last night was like
something out of a dream.
68
00:03:18,673 --> 00:03:20,747
Yeah. Can you believe
I went to work naked
69
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,675
and my teeth all fell out?
70
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:25,678
Oh... I've enjoyed
my share of balls before,
71
00:03:25,796 --> 00:03:27,438
but I was never the belle of one.
72
00:03:27,515 --> 00:03:29,682
And just when I thought
it couldn't get any better,
73
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,776
now I get to clean again.
74
00:03:32,727 --> 00:03:34,779
Old sneakers, coveralls,
75
00:03:34,856 --> 00:03:36,781
industrial-grade kerchief...
76
00:03:36,858 --> 00:03:39,008
[GASPS]
77
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,694
It's gone. Where is it? Where is it?
78
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:44,455
- Where's what?
- My box. My secret box.
79
00:03:44,607 --> 00:03:47,792
- The sex box?
- No. No, my box of letters.
80
00:03:47,943 --> 00:03:48,952
What letters?
81
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,963
My secret box of hate letters.
82
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,691
But the sex box is okay?
83
00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:57,784
[SIGHS] Okay, here it goes.
84
00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,637
When I was a teenager,
85
00:03:59,788 --> 00:04:02,882
I would occasionally...
and I'm not proud of this...
86
00:04:02,958 --> 00:04:04,642
get mad.
87
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,645
Stupid Tim Meadows.
88
00:04:07,796 --> 00:04:09,796
Why the hell would you leave SNL?
89
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:11,816
You're a linchpin.
90
00:04:11,967 --> 00:04:14,801
[MARGE] Then one day,
I came across this article
91
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:17,546
that would change my life forever.
92
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,732
It said, when someone makes you angry,
93
00:04:19,808 --> 00:04:22,551
write them a fiery letter
full of everything
94
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:23,886
you wish you could say to their face,
95
00:04:23,905 --> 00:04:26,889
then never send it, and poof,
96
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:29,558
the bad feelings are gone forever.
97
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,653
From that day forward,
I wrote hundreds of letters,
98
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:36,651
and you know what?
It made me a much nicer person.
99
00:04:36,686 --> 00:04:40,753
"Go jump in a wood chipper.
Marge Simpson."
100
00:04:40,829 --> 00:04:43,664
And every time I wrote one,
I felt much better,
101
00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:48,853
with all my bad feelings tucked away
and, therefore, gone.
102
00:04:48,930 --> 00:04:50,855
But those letters were just for me.
103
00:04:50,932 --> 00:04:53,858
They weren't meant to be read
by anyone, ever.
104
00:04:53,935 --> 00:04:55,509
We have to find them.
105
00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:58,754
Honey, relax. I'm sure
they're around here somewhere.
106
00:04:58,756 --> 00:04:59,864
Maybe the cleaning lady moved them.
107
00:04:59,982 --> 00:05:01,866
I'm the cleaning lady.
108
00:05:01,943 --> 00:05:03,868
Tell us where you moved them,
or you're fired.
109
00:05:03,945 --> 00:05:05,519
[PHONE CHIMES]
110
00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:08,915
Uh, Mom, you got a new message
from an unknown number.
111
00:05:10,526 --> 00:05:12,693
[DISTORTED VOICE] Dear Marge,
we have your letters.
112
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,622
If you want to see them again,
pay us $5,000.
113
00:05:16,699 --> 00:05:20,776
If not,
we will show the world what a mean bitch
114
00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:22,720
Marge Simpson really is.
115
00:05:22,797 --> 00:05:26,098
- [ALL GASP]
- Can we say that now?
116
00:05:30,484 --> 00:05:32,247
[BART] We've got to
find that letter thief.
117
00:05:32,334 --> 00:05:33,890
Okay. We've got photos
118
00:05:33,921 --> 00:05:36,383
of everyone who was at
the party last night.
119
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:39,570
All our dearest friends and loved ones.
120
00:05:39,722 --> 00:05:42,723
One of these scumbags is holding
your mom's letters hostage.
121
00:05:42,725 --> 00:05:44,492
But who?
122
00:05:45,561 --> 00:05:47,411
My money's on Jasper.
123
00:05:47,563 --> 00:05:50,306
He's ugly,
and ugly people are prone to crime.
124
00:05:50,324 --> 00:05:53,492
I've always hated ugly people,
and now I know why.
125
00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:55,753
Guys, last night,
our friends and neighbors
126
00:05:55,830 --> 00:05:58,330
came to show Mom how much they love her.
127
00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:01,317
We can't just accuse people willy-nilly.
128
00:06:01,781 --> 00:06:02,860
[BOTH] Willie!
129
00:06:02,870 --> 00:06:06,672
Of course. He was the ugliest
guy at the party by a mile.
130
00:06:06,749 --> 00:06:08,674
Let's go burn down his shack.
131
00:06:08,676 --> 00:06:12,495
It's not Willie! Willie can't read!
132
00:06:12,513 --> 00:06:14,346
Oh, it's hopeless. [SIGHS]
133
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:17,349
Everyone thinks I'm the
sweetest lady in the world,
134
00:06:17,426 --> 00:06:20,427
like Ellen when she
started her talk show.
135
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:23,188
But if those letters get out,
they'll all hate me.
136
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:25,938
Like Ellen when she ended her talk show.
137
00:06:25,973 --> 00:06:28,527
Fear not, Marge. I know who can help us,
138
00:06:28,529 --> 00:06:30,454
Springfield's finest.
139
00:06:30,531 --> 00:06:31,713
Sorry, can't help you.
140
00:06:31,715 --> 00:06:33,291
What? Can't you trace the call
141
00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:35,275
or descramble the voice or something?
142
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:39,297
I wish, but the wusses down at
the state house defunded us.
143
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,707
I'm sorry, Marge,
but you're on your own.
144
00:06:41,859 --> 00:06:43,542
[MARGE SIGHS]
145
00:06:43,619 --> 00:06:45,694
Uh, we weren't defunded, Chief.
146
00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:48,697
Our budget was increased by 33%.
147
00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,366
Yeah, but it's a great excuse
148
00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:53,536
for when you want to
have a lazy Saturday.
149
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:58,016
Help. I woke up
in the bathtub with no kidneys.
150
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,117
[BOTH] Defunded.
151
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,544
[GROANS] Oh...
Those letters can't get out.
152
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,563
We're just gonna have to pay the ransom.
153
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,231
But it's $5,000.
154
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,492
Do you know how many kidneys
you'd have to steal to get that?
155
00:07:08,569 --> 00:07:11,387
[SIGHS] I think I know
where we can get the money,
156
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,497
but you're not gonna like it.
157
00:07:15,818 --> 00:07:18,394
Oh, I know
there's always strings attached
158
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:21,730
with you people,
but there's no one else I can turn to.
159
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,323
Fat Tony...
160
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:26,510
is currently out of town,
so I came to you.
161
00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:29,572
So, can I borrow the money?
162
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:32,183
[BOTH LAUGH]
163
00:07:32,334 --> 00:07:35,744
No dice. That's what you get
for repressing your emotions.
164
00:07:35,763 --> 00:07:37,355
You see, Marge,
165
00:07:37,431 --> 00:07:40,416
a woman's feelings are
a lot like her boobs.
166
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,418
Always locked away
when they're in public,
167
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:45,588
but you got to flop
'em out once in a while,
168
00:07:45,606 --> 00:07:47,439
or you'll go bananas.
169
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,617
Ah, at ease, men.
170
00:07:51,353 --> 00:07:53,704
The deadline's almost up.
I don't have the money.
171
00:07:53,706 --> 00:07:56,432
- What am I gonna do?
- [PHONE RINGS]
172
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,692
Honey, wait. I've seen every movie
173
00:07:58,694 --> 00:07:59,785
about angry, middle-aged men
174
00:07:59,862 --> 00:08:01,729
refusing to negotiate with kidnappers.
175
00:08:01,805 --> 00:08:04,364
I know how to talk to these people.
176
00:08:04,366 --> 00:08:06,609
[DISTORTED VOICE] Time's up, Marge.
177
00:08:06,627 --> 00:08:08,368
This is Mr. Marge, dirt butt,
178
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,537
and you just signed
your own death warrant
179
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:14,617
'cause I'm a retired CIA
ninja who just un-retired
180
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,619
to chimp chomp your face.
181
00:08:16,637 --> 00:08:17,711
Hey. You listen here...
182
00:08:17,713 --> 00:08:19,471
No, YOU listen, butt dirt!
183
00:08:19,473 --> 00:08:21,624
We want those letters on our doorstep
184
00:08:21,642 --> 00:08:23,401
by noon hundred hours tomorrow,
185
00:08:23,552 --> 00:08:27,387
or I'm gonna be on you
like a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy.
186
00:08:27,389 --> 00:08:30,799
Aloha means "hello" and "you're dead."
187
00:08:31,368 --> 00:08:32,635
[SINGSONGY] Fixed it.
188
00:08:32,653 --> 00:08:34,620
Oh...
189
00:08:36,323 --> 00:08:38,323
We haven't heard from
the letter-napper yet.
190
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,309
I put the fear of God in 'em, Marge.
191
00:08:40,327 --> 00:08:43,479
Just like Father Snooze
up there tries to do.
192
00:08:43,497 --> 00:08:45,314
Maybe you did scare them straight,
193
00:08:45,332 --> 00:08:47,574
and this whole thing is behind us.
194
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,103
Um, before today's service,
195
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:53,338
Mrs. Lovejoy would like to make a,
um, statement,
196
00:08:53,415 --> 00:08:55,599
uh, she could not be talked out of.
197
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,584
Unless cooler heads have prevailed?
198
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,603
[HUMS ANGRILY]
199
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,513
[SIGHS] Take it away, dear.
200
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:06,502
Last night, a vile,
horrible letter was left at our doorstep
201
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,353
and tore my world asunder.
202
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:11,431
It reads, "'Dear'"...
and dear is in quotes... "Helen.
203
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:14,693
"In case you haven't been made aware,
you are a...
204
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,871
- bitch!"
- [CONGREGATION GASPS]
205
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:19,348
[ORGAN BLARES DISCORDANTLY]
206
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:20,849
"You're a snobby little gossip
207
00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:22,367
"who derives a vampiric pleasure
208
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,296
in the misfortune and
minor foibles of others."
209
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:28,540
- Wow, you're a good writer, Mom.
- Shh!
210
00:09:28,542 --> 00:09:31,302
"Do me a favor and keep your
surgically upturned nose
211
00:09:31,378 --> 00:09:35,547
"out of my business.
Josh Groban would hate your guts.
212
00:09:35,549 --> 00:09:37,641
Go jump in a woodchipper."
213
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:39,477
And it's signed by...
214
00:09:40,357 --> 00:09:44,389
- Blank. The name was cut out.
- [CONGREGATION GASPS]
215
00:09:44,391 --> 00:09:47,376
But I know exactly who wrote
this despicable letter.
216
00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:50,562
Someone who's fooled this town for years
217
00:09:50,564 --> 00:09:53,232
with her "sweet, gentle" nature.
218
00:09:53,308 --> 00:09:54,550
Agnes Skinner.
219
00:09:54,568 --> 00:09:58,478
[GASPS] I would never
write such vile things.
220
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:02,391
I'd say 'em to your discount Botox face.
221
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,743
[GASPS] Are you gonna let
her talk to me like that?
222
00:10:04,745 --> 00:10:06,504
Defend my honor.
223
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:07,730
Get him, Seymour.
224
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,249
But-but-but he's a man of God.
225
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,417
Shouldn't I turn the other cheek?
226
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:13,677
Wuss fight!
227
00:10:13,829 --> 00:10:15,346
[CONGREGATION CHANTING] Fight! Fight!
228
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,405
Fight!
229
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:17,515
[CONGREGATION CLAMORING EXCITEDLY]
230
00:10:17,591 --> 00:10:19,241
[PHONE BUZZES]
231
00:10:20,685 --> 00:10:21,851
[DISTORTED VOICE OVER PHONE]
Look at the mayhem
232
00:10:21,929 --> 00:10:24,463
that just one of your letters can cause.
233
00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:26,874
You have 60 minutes
before I release them all
234
00:10:26,950 --> 00:10:30,936
and turn your life into
an abominable hellscape
235
00:10:30,938 --> 00:10:33,772
of torment and woe.
236
00:10:33,774 --> 00:10:36,550
Honey, you're missing the wuss fight.
What's going on?
237
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:39,970
I know just who the kidnapper is.
238
00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:41,890
_
239
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,131
[GROANS]
240
00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:47,710
More crab puffs coming right up.
241
00:10:48,227 --> 00:10:50,972
Hey, Shauna.
Thanks again for babysitting.
242
00:10:50,974 --> 00:10:53,716
I'm sorry I forgot to
mention it was 56 kids
243
00:10:53,794 --> 00:10:56,645
instead of the usual three. How is it?
244
00:10:56,721 --> 00:11:01,057
Ugh. It's an abominable
hellscape of torment and woe.
245
00:11:01,059 --> 00:11:02,068
Wha...?
246
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:04,636
Oh. I'm reading a goth romance novel
247
00:11:04,655 --> 00:11:06,079
and some of the vocab is sticking.
248
00:11:06,156 --> 00:11:07,973
- _
- [MARGE] Hmm.
249
00:11:07,991 --> 00:11:09,824
- Ooh, crab puffs.
- Up-bup-bup.
250
00:11:09,826 --> 00:11:13,645
Why don't you eat the food
I left in the kids area?
251
00:11:13,664 --> 00:11:16,648
But Milhouse sucked all the
pigs out of the blankets.
252
00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:18,741
And Martin ate all
the corn off the dogs.
253
00:11:18,743 --> 00:11:22,304
Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
Who wants crab puffs?
254
00:11:22,945 --> 00:11:24,005
_
255
00:11:24,082 --> 00:11:25,115
[BELCHES]
256
00:11:26,176 --> 00:11:27,842
Ugh. Every time she hires me to babysit,
257
00:11:27,995 --> 00:11:30,679
she treats me like I freakin'
work for her.
258
00:11:30,831 --> 00:11:32,681
She acts like all I do around here
259
00:11:32,683 --> 00:11:35,167
is watch TV and try on her clothes.
260
00:11:35,185 --> 00:11:37,760
Uh, that is what you do.
261
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,947
Yikes. How does she pull this off
262
00:11:40,023 --> 00:11:41,690
without looking like a skank?
263
00:11:41,692 --> 00:11:44,025
The pearls class the whole thing up.
264
00:11:44,178 --> 00:11:46,695
Psh. Everyone thinks she's such a saint.
265
00:11:46,697 --> 00:11:49,623
Meanwhile,
she's starving the one babysitter
266
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:52,108
that's watching, like,
every kid in town.
267
00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:54,035
Where are those kids, anyway?
268
00:11:54,037 --> 00:11:56,004
Up your butt. I don't know.
269
00:11:57,949 --> 00:12:01,617
[GASPS] Holy crab.
270
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:05,714
[LAUGHS] Oh, man.
This angry MILF hates everyone in town.
271
00:12:05,866 --> 00:12:07,957
I thought this box
was gonna be full of, like,
272
00:12:08,035 --> 00:12:09,701
pot or grandma ashes,
273
00:12:09,703 --> 00:12:10,869
but this is even better.
274
00:12:10,871 --> 00:12:13,647
I bet Mrs. Bart's Mom would pay anything
275
00:12:13,724 --> 00:12:15,983
to keep people from
reading these letters.
276
00:12:16,059 --> 00:12:18,727
Even $5,000.
277
00:12:18,879 --> 00:12:21,896
[GASPS] With that kind of money,
we could start over.
278
00:12:22,049 --> 00:12:23,898
Live a whole new life.
279
00:12:24,051 --> 00:12:25,993
♪ Birds of a feather ♪
280
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,902
♪ We should stick together ♪
281
00:12:28,055 --> 00:12:28,996
♪ I know ♪
282
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,222
♪ I said I'd never ♪
283
00:12:30,224 --> 00:12:33,074
♪ Think I wasn't better alone ♪
284
00:12:33,076 --> 00:12:34,668
♪ Can't change the weather ♪
285
00:12:34,745 --> 00:12:37,004
- ♪ Might not be forever ♪
- [BOTH MOANING]
286
00:12:37,155 --> 00:12:39,655
♪ But if it's forever.
287
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:40,684
Hmm?
288
00:12:40,751 --> 00:12:42,158
Marge Simpson's gonna rue the day
289
00:12:42,236 --> 00:12:43,902
she ever messed with me.
290
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:48,956
Shauna Chalmers is gonna rue
the day she ever messed with me.
291
00:12:53,427 --> 00:12:54,980
[DISTORTED VOICE OVER PHONE]
...an abominable hellscape
292
00:12:55,057 --> 00:12:57,432
of torment and woe!
293
00:12:57,509 --> 00:13:01,436
Shauna said that exact same
phrase the night of the party.
294
00:13:01,513 --> 00:13:04,680
So, she and the raccoon
are working together.
295
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:07,200
They probably stole our garbage, too.
So what's the plan?
296
00:13:07,277 --> 00:13:10,686
I know that, on Sundays,
Shauna volunteers at the senior home
297
00:13:10,764 --> 00:13:14,541
to steal their medications,
so this is the perfect time
298
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:17,544
to break into her house
and get those letters back.
299
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:19,379
You want to break into her house?
300
00:13:19,456 --> 00:13:22,532
What would Marge say?
[GASPS] You're Marge.
301
00:13:22,609 --> 00:13:23,866
Damn it.
302
00:13:23,944 --> 00:13:26,611
- [BRAKES SCREECH]
- Superintendent Chalmers is home.
303
00:13:26,613 --> 00:13:29,781
We're gonna have to improvise.
304
00:13:29,783 --> 00:13:31,391
[DOORBELL RINGS]
305
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,618
Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.
306
00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:36,563
To what do I owe the
unannounced weekend visit?
307
00:13:36,714 --> 00:13:39,399
Um... I'm writing an article
308
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:42,627
for the PTA newsletter about you.
309
00:13:42,629 --> 00:13:43,638
Me?
310
00:13:43,647 --> 00:13:46,631
Yes. An interview, really. Long form.
311
00:13:46,633 --> 00:13:50,468
"Gary Chalmers:
A Profile In Competence."
312
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:53,705
Not "incompetence." "In competence."
313
00:13:55,325 --> 00:13:56,641
'Cause you're great.
314
00:13:56,660 --> 00:14:01,571
Hm... I wasn't aware that
the PTA's biannual, one-page,
315
00:14:01,648 --> 00:14:03,573
single-sided newsletter
316
00:14:03,650 --> 00:14:06,576
even did long-form interviews,
317
00:14:06,578 --> 00:14:08,503
but how nice. Come on in.
318
00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:11,673
Uh, don't you need a pen
or a recording device?
319
00:14:11,749 --> 00:14:15,493
Uh, no.
No, I have a photographic memory.
320
00:14:15,512 --> 00:14:17,604
For auditory speech?
321
00:14:17,806 --> 00:14:18,847
Yes.
322
00:14:18,923 --> 00:14:20,590
I think he's buying it.
323
00:14:20,592 --> 00:14:22,592
[CHALMERS] I'm not buying it.
324
00:14:22,594 --> 00:14:24,836
But why make up such an absurd story?
325
00:14:24,855 --> 00:14:26,596
[GASPS] Oh, dear God,
326
00:14:26,673 --> 00:14:28,931
Marge Simpson is coming on to me.
327
00:14:29,009 --> 00:14:31,843
So, how did you become so...
328
00:14:31,845 --> 00:14:34,362
super at... intending?
329
00:14:34,514 --> 00:14:37,515
[CHALMERS] Well, I can't say the
thought hasn't crossed my mind.
330
00:14:37,534 --> 00:14:40,062
No, Gary.
Not with another school parent.
331
00:14:40,097 --> 00:14:42,778
The Van Houten woman is
still blowing up your phone.
332
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:45,540
I have to put an end to this right now.
333
00:14:45,617 --> 00:14:47,450
Look, I'm very sorry, Mrs. Simpson,
334
00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:49,711
but I'm gonna have to ask you...
335
00:14:49,713 --> 00:14:53,531
if you would like some plum wine.
336
00:14:53,550 --> 00:14:56,626
[PANTS] Come on, Homer.
Rummage like the wind.
337
00:14:57,133 --> 00:15:00,288
Psh. Another stupid kid
wearing an old T-shirt
338
00:15:00,323 --> 00:15:02,033
of a band they know nothing about.
339
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,467
I bet she can't name one song by...
340
00:15:04,544 --> 00:15:05,902
Planned Parenthood.
341
00:15:06,971 --> 00:15:08,804
[GASPS] Got it.
342
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,732
[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING]
343
00:15:11,735 --> 00:15:14,844
Oh, if there's
a lovelier music than samba,
344
00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:16,496
I don't want to hear it.
345
00:15:16,573 --> 00:15:19,482
Have you ever been to
[PORTUGUESE ACCENT] Brazil?
346
00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:21,484
Very liberated country.
347
00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:23,670
[CHUCKLES] You don't say.
348
00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:26,322
- [LOUD THUMP]
- Que diabos! What was that?
349
00:15:26,357 --> 00:15:28,408
Just the house settling, I bet.
350
00:15:28,443 --> 00:15:31,661
With this framing? Not likely.
I better go check it out.
351
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,754
[GROANS]
352
00:15:32,756 --> 00:15:34,739
[HOMER SCREAMS]
353
00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:36,165
[GASPS]
354
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:38,693
Uh, I think I have enough
for my article, Superintendent.
355
00:15:38,745 --> 00:15:40,520
Thanks again for your time.
356
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:43,464
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- But-but I-I...
357
00:15:43,466 --> 00:15:45,817
[SIGHS] It's probably for the best.
358
00:15:47,362 --> 00:15:49,738
[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING]
359
00:15:49,739 --> 00:15:50,739
- _
- _
360
00:15:50,924 --> 00:15:52,699
We did it!
361
00:15:52,776 --> 00:15:56,611
Sorry, Shauna Chalmers.
"Letter" luck next time.
362
00:15:56,688 --> 00:15:59,748
What the...? Goth romance novels?
363
00:15:59,783 --> 00:16:00,540
[TIRES SCREECH]
364
00:16:00,617 --> 00:16:02,692
She took the letters out.
365
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,769
[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]
366
00:16:04,771 --> 00:16:07,004
Oh, it's hopeless.
367
00:16:07,106 --> 00:16:10,107
Shauna's probably spreading
them all over town by now.
368
00:16:10,109 --> 00:16:14,111
Everyone's gonna know what a
terrible person I am inside.
369
00:16:14,113 --> 00:16:16,447
- [LAUGHTER]
- [MARGE GASPS]
370
00:16:16,449 --> 00:16:18,373
[MARGE] What the...?
371
00:16:18,451 --> 00:16:20,284
My letters.
372
00:16:20,286 --> 00:16:22,311
Step on it, Jimbo.
373
00:16:30,129 --> 00:16:32,146
[HOMER] Marge, what are you... Ah!
374
00:16:32,148 --> 00:16:33,239
[SCREAMS]
375
00:16:38,079 --> 00:16:39,120
[BOTH GASP]
376
00:16:39,121 --> 00:16:41,109
_
377
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,085
Give me back my letters.
378
00:16:48,089 --> 00:16:49,188
[GRUNTS]
379
00:16:49,699 --> 00:16:52,341
Go get her, Marge. I've got this punk.
380
00:16:54,095 --> 00:16:54,986
[YELPS]
381
00:16:54,988 --> 00:16:56,411
I don't got this punk.
382
00:16:56,413 --> 00:16:58,347
[GRUNTING]
383
00:17:09,426 --> 00:17:11,002
Stop right there.
384
00:17:11,004 --> 00:17:13,004
Come any closer, and I'll, like-like,
385
00:17:13,006 --> 00:17:14,280
drop 'em or whatever.
386
00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:16,007
Why'd you do it, Shauna?
387
00:17:16,009 --> 00:17:18,267
Was all this over a stupid crab puff?
388
00:17:18,269 --> 00:17:22,013
No. When I found those letters,
I thought they were awesome.
389
00:17:22,031 --> 00:17:25,107
You totally nailed all the
cringe-os in this cringe town.
390
00:17:25,126 --> 00:17:28,019
And then I read the
letter you wrote to me.
391
00:17:28,037 --> 00:17:30,204
Oh, Shauna. I never meant for you...
392
00:17:30,206 --> 00:17:33,024
You called me a "hormonal little snot
393
00:17:33,042 --> 00:17:35,134
with more piercings than brains."
394
00:17:35,136 --> 00:17:37,970
And you're supposed to be
the nicest lady in town?
395
00:17:38,047 --> 00:17:40,381
I am nice. I just write these letters
396
00:17:40,457 --> 00:17:42,049
when I'm filled with anger.
397
00:17:42,051 --> 00:17:45,144
And then, afterwards, I'm over it.
I swear.
398
00:17:45,146 --> 00:17:48,055
There's, like,
30-year-old letters in here.
399
00:17:48,057 --> 00:17:50,391
If you're so over it,
why'd you save 'em?
400
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:52,968
[GRUNTS] Because... [GRUNTS]
401
00:17:52,987 --> 00:17:54,970
...it brings me peace.
402
00:17:54,989 --> 00:17:56,063
Give me my letters.
403
00:17:56,215 --> 00:17:58,366
- [GASPS, SCREAMS]
- Shauna!
404
00:18:00,311 --> 00:18:01,093
[GROANS]
405
00:18:01,145 --> 00:18:02,311
Don't let me die.
406
00:18:02,388 --> 00:18:05,072
I want to live to be
old and fat like you.
407
00:18:05,224 --> 00:18:08,150
I can save you both. [SCREAMS]
408
00:18:08,227 --> 00:18:09,326
No!
409
00:18:10,079 --> 00:18:12,213
I got you, Shauna. [GRUNTS]
410
00:18:14,008 --> 00:18:17,176
Thanks Mrs. S. I'm really sorry.
411
00:18:17,253 --> 00:18:20,087
I know, sweetie.
412
00:18:20,239 --> 00:18:22,089
Well, they're all out there now.
413
00:18:22,241 --> 00:18:25,409
All my unspoken
grievances and resentments
414
00:18:25,411 --> 00:18:27,078
for the world to read.
415
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,413
Hey, look. A letter from Marge Simpson,
416
00:18:29,415 --> 00:18:31,023
addressed directly to me.
417
00:18:31,025 --> 00:18:34,026
"Dear Chief, you give fat, do-nothing,
418
00:18:34,028 --> 00:18:37,088
donut-eating cops a bad name."
419
00:18:37,090 --> 00:18:39,031
"A soulless dead-eyed creepazoid."
420
00:18:39,183 --> 00:18:42,093
"A greasy-fingered know-it-all."
421
00:18:42,095 --> 00:18:45,204
"An amoral homewrecker
and a never-was singer."
422
00:18:45,281 --> 00:18:49,041
"A deviant letch who can't keep
his busy hands to himself."
423
00:18:49,193 --> 00:18:51,878
"A smoking hot comedic linchpin
424
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,196
who should've never left Studio 8H."
425
00:18:54,215 --> 00:18:55,882
[GRUNTS]
426
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:59,034
There's the hateful
epistolist who called me
427
00:18:59,112 --> 00:19:03,347
"an operatic blowhard."
428
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:11,122
Hi, everyone. I just want to apologize.
429
00:19:11,124 --> 00:19:13,065
Not for having negative feelings,
430
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:16,127
but for keeping them
to myself all these years.
431
00:19:16,145 --> 00:19:18,237
Even though I smiled in your face,
432
00:19:18,389 --> 00:19:20,131
I was secretly furious.
433
00:19:20,149 --> 00:19:23,242
And that wasn't fair to you or to me.
434
00:19:23,244 --> 00:19:26,078
So do you hate us all?
435
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,973
No. No, I love the people of this town.
436
00:19:28,975 --> 00:19:30,399
Even when we butt heads.
437
00:19:30,476 --> 00:19:33,085
[BOTH LAUGH] Butt heads.
438
00:19:33,162 --> 00:19:34,495
[BOTH] Aw.
439
00:19:34,497 --> 00:19:37,406
But I'd rather you all think
of me as an honest person
440
00:19:37,483 --> 00:19:40,075
with real, complex emotions,
441
00:19:40,077 --> 00:19:43,320
and not someone who's just nice.
442
00:19:43,322 --> 00:19:46,173
- Thank you.
- Let's hear it for Marge Simpson.
443
00:19:46,175 --> 00:19:49,251
The most three-dimensional
woman in town.
444
00:19:49,328 --> 00:19:51,354
[CHEERING]
445
00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,350
Helen, hi.
446
00:19:56,502 --> 00:20:00,004
Marge, I know it was you who
wrote me that scornful letter,
447
00:20:00,006 --> 00:20:02,006
and I just wanted to say...
448
00:20:02,008 --> 00:20:05,934
I'm sorry for being so snarky
and elitist in the past.
449
00:20:06,012 --> 00:20:09,104
Oh. Why, thank you. Apology accept...
450
00:20:09,123 --> 00:20:12,107
As someone so well
off and closer to God,
451
00:20:12,109 --> 00:20:16,278
it's easy for me to look down my
naturally perfect nose at you.
452
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,946
But that ends now.
453
00:20:17,948 --> 00:20:19,448
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
454
00:20:19,450 --> 00:20:21,950
Ugh. I envy this new you, Marge.
455
00:20:22,028 --> 00:20:24,195
Honest and boorishly uncouth.
456
00:20:24,197 --> 00:20:25,212
Right.
457
00:20:25,214 --> 00:20:27,139
Anyway, I'm off to the good hairdresser.
458
00:20:27,216 --> 00:20:31,310
Oh, not the one you're thinking of,
this one's better. Toodles.
459
00:20:31,723 --> 00:20:34,221
Oh, wait, wait. O-One more thing, Helen.
460
00:20:34,298 --> 00:20:35,389
Yes?
461
00:20:35,391 --> 00:20:38,317
- Kiss my ass!
- [GASPS]
462
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:54,442
[TIM] "Dear Marge,
where the hell do you get off?
463
00:20:54,466 --> 00:20:56,528
"My career choices are nobody's business
464
00:20:56,611 --> 00:20:58,820
"but mine and maybe my manager's.
465
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,172
"The next time you want to tell me
466
00:21:00,174 --> 00:21:02,733
"what other
'bone-headed mistakes' I've made,
467
00:21:02,735 --> 00:21:03,917
"I hope you'll do me a favor
468
00:21:04,070 --> 00:21:05,827
"and go jump in a wood chipper.
469
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:09,831
Sincerely yours, Tim Meadows."
470
00:21:09,833 --> 00:21:11,976
Wow. That does feel good.
471
00:21:13,521 --> 00:21:16,930
"Dear Lorne Michaels,
where the hell do you get off?"
472
00:21:16,932 --> 00:21:22,511
"Dear TGI Fridays,
where the hell do you get off?"
473
00:21:23,514 --> 00:21:26,532
"Dear Sunglass Hut,
where the hell do you get off?"
474
00:21:27,535 --> 00:21:31,111
"Dear Quiznos,
where the hell do you get off?"
475
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,081
- Shh!
- [TIM] Where the hell do you get off?
476
00:21:36,308 --> 00:21:39,215
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
35513
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