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At last the day dawned when I was happy with myself...

...and everything I did.

It was a hot evening...

...and I was lying in the park near my house...

...with Max, a cute and toe curling guy. I was happy with myself and with us.

We did a test to find out what kind of woman I was.

I was the One.

You're the One, Phileine!

Okay, I admit it. I am.

You're the sunshine of my life. To be happy, I need you.

I think you're sweet too.

I have something to tell you...

I hate it when people say that!

Here we go again, I think. Nothing ever stays the same.

It's all doomed to decay. It always is.

Happiness is a warm gun. It can blast your head off at any moment.

I'm such a wimp.

Shut up, Phileine!

Don't cry. He's just a boy!

Phileine says Sorry

Phileine?

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

I've something to tell you.

I love you.

- But? - But I have to go now.

I can't let my best friend down.

It's his birthday. Come along too.

You go. Don't think of me.

Let me rot in my sickbed.

As always, this story started with my generosity.

Dying of fever, 98.7 degrees...

...I let Dylan, my Everything back then, go to his best friend's party.

- He couldn't wait... - You're sure?

...to leave me.

My intuition rang alarm bells...

...so I decided to hit the party anyway.

I came late so Dylan would be drunk and satisfied...

...and it would be easier for me to beat him up.

Phileine! Cocksucker!

- Party Pussy! - Fleur! Sperm Bag!

Everyone was wasted...

- We want to fuck! - ... apart from Dylan...

- He's not here? - ... who wasn't there.

No, and he didn't even call!

You're his girlfriend. Where is he?

Listen, Bog brush, if you want to know ask him! I'm no babysitter.

- He's my best friend. - No kidding!

- See, he's home. - And he's not alone, either.

Don't do it, maniac!

I'm an angry young woman, so no one'll mind.

It's post-adolescent hormonal aggression! Crime passionel!

Christ, she's just out of primary school!

Child porn!

- What's all this? - We zapped you to Drenthe!

That's a province. You're lucky to be alive.

You're a province!

- You're not funny. - You steal our jokes.

Purile Platypus!

- Do you ever praise people? - We tolerate some.

Your looks don't matter.

- Who cares if that's your head or a balloon. - We want your insights!

- Your motivation... - Your moral values, etc.

We found out that hideously ugly people like you...

...often think longer and deeper about the meaning of life than us.

Can we expect a fascinating riposte?

D'you come here often?

To birthday parties?

I don't think you quite get it. You can compensate for your physical defects.

- What d'you want? - Last chance...

What were you thinking before we came over?

Nothing really.

- Sorry. - Oh God!

- What did you say? - He really said it.

Sorry?

Filthy bastard!

If you'd said anything else you could've fucked me tonight.

- Me too! - And even me.

- We feel charitable. - And want to see your dick.

There's only one thing worse than an ugly bastard.

- What's that? - One without a sparkling personality.

Like you.

- Great, another poor boy's soul dashed. - Bitches...

- Phileine? Where's Phileine? - Where am I?

- Where were you, clap head!? - Dylan, stop it!

How 'bout a drink?

I know he's your best friend...

...but a good host would've beaten him up for me.

Worst of all: I don't like singles. And now I'm one.

Wild him!

- What do they want? - I have to "wild" you.

It's the opposite of "tame".

Let's cut the crap.

I feel like sex at first sight.

This must be every boy's wet dream.

- You don't have to... - Leave me be...

I just want to say that Dylan was a real prick.

- You can't do things like that. - How sweet.

But not now, okay?

PHILEINE WITH A HARD ON

Okay, I admit it. I am the One.

- Never a dull moment. - Right.

You're the sunshine of my life. Irreplaceable.

I think you're sweet too.

I have something to tell you.

I'm moving to New York for a year.

A year?

Yes.

To New York?

That's a long time.

It's a special project at drama school with just a few foreign students.

It's a once in a lifetime chance. I have to go.

All Shakespeare's plays...

...with different guest directors...

...all really famous.

I don't like theatre.

You're not the reason I want to study in New York.

That's just it, reptile face! Did you...

Did you think about me?

I didn't think about anything else recently.

Oh God, another boy sobbing on my shoulder.

Can't these guys stop crying?

There we were...

...two happy people losing each other, god damn it!

Well that's that. Can we go now?

You girls want a ride to Utrecht?

Bye, Max.

- We'll take Fleur home. - You're home already?!

Bye...

- Practicing safe sex, Mommy? - What's that, child?

They must be yours.

Last time I used a condom, dinosaurs still roamed the planet.

So those condoms must belong to you and Daddy. Right, Mom?

How about my allowance?

- Only if you promise to use a condom... - When I fuck?

Yes, excuse your French.

She pays the rent, so thinks she has a right to a key.

Officially to keep an eye on me. In reality, to adulterate with her lovers.

My money, Mommy!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- And? How's Max? - Fine. He just left.

- He seemed such a nice boy. - He went to New York, remember?

- Shakespeare? - Yes, that was it. That's nice.

I lose my one true love and you call that "nice"?

He's your one true love?

My daughter's in love. How touching.

I'm NOT in love!

Problem solved!

I just want you to know there are two kinds of fidelity in a relationship...

...love fidelity and sex fidelity.

Your father gives me love, depth and peace...

...and Antonio, Anand, Costas and Mustapha help me crease the sheets.

For those moments in life when the underbelly conquers the brains.

When euphoria, ecstasy, despair...

See you soon!

Bye dear.

Bye darling!

I don't like it when other people have sex.

I should be the only one to enjoy life.

THREE MONTHS LATER

THE NEW CELIBATES

Shut up with your childish sex noise!

Grow up. Lala!

Listen. I flew all this way to see my Max, so don't get in my way.

Just say so. Ninth floor, last door.

Only joking. You can laugh.

You speak Dutch, don't you?

That was me.

That's how I met Crotch Gobbelaer...

...ex-Miss Belgium sent to New York by her daddy...

...to study economics, marry and never have to work.

I can't shake hands...

This is supposed to make your nails longer and healthier.

Thank you for sharing that!

It's one of the few things this four-eyed mule taught me.

Being inferior doesn't mean you're not dumb and ugly, girl!

- So you're a friend of Max? - I'm his girlfriend.

- Does he know you're coming? - No.

I was afraid of that.

Romeo!

Phileine?

I was in the neighborhood.

- Why didn't you call? - You're really pleased to see me!

All the truckers I sucked for the ticket!

Bullshit. Your mother paid for it.

What if she hadn't?

That would have been terrible, yes.

You're still brains, beauty, beast, best...

I quite like you too.

Come and lie down beside me.

Feelings are never hypocritical.

I should be mad at his cool reception.

But I feel like a deserted bitch on heat...

...wagging her tail as soon as her boss comes in.

Girl...

I missed you.

I really missed you.

You have no idea how much I missed you.

No, I really missed you.

Great, we missed each other.

You know what I thought About on the plane?

- No? - I thought: when I see Max...

...I'll rip off his clothes...

...I'll get his dick so hard he faints from anemia...

...I'll squeeze my labia round his loaded gun...

...and cunt-suck him till he shoots me across the bed.

But I changed my mind.

It's nice to have a cuddle, though.

I can't stand the word cuddle.

Maybe I don't feel like hard-core work sex.

The ancient Chinese had a better term.

Phileine...

...let's make Rain and Wind together. I've been looking forward to it.

That's why I love Max so.

"Making Rain and Wind". That gets me so excited, I don't care who knows.

Shit, my party.

- Party? - For my acting class.

Consider it a welcome party.

Apart from Crotch Gobbelaer and the Man with the Scratched Back...

...I knew no one, so it was time to meet his roommates.

Apart from Jules...

...here in our cosy condo pondo...

...we have Leonard.

- You mean that excavated mummy? - He's a bit sick.

- What's he got? - A cold. He'll get over it.

Conspicuous by his absence...

...was Reginald.

Who's Reginald?

He's an Argentinian American of French-Canadian descent.

A real Rimbaudian artist.

An inspired thinker, a culture vulture, free of rusty ideas, addicted to the age.

A wild theatre film music dance fashion maker...

- ... who surfs his versatile soul. - So he's ugly!

No, he's my director.

Who's the Barbie doll?

LT, it's a childish American habit to turn initials into an acronym.

LT is standby weatherman for CBS.

But his big breakthrough is coming, he's claimed for eight years.

And just when I thought I'd met all Max's New York crowd...

- Romeo! - She came in.

Joanne!

Joanne, the standby weatherman's steady girlfriend.

She thinks she's a great actress but can't hold a cucumber in a porn movie.

Why are actors and actresses so awful?

- Phileine, have you met Joanne? - No.

So you're stage mates?

- It's Shakespeare! - Great. What play?

What's the matter?

Good question.

Tired, jetlagged, groggy, drunk.

Just leave me be.

You have something to tell me?

No...

I have nothing to tell you.

But?

I have to get back to my guests.

Hello New York! I came, I saw, I came...

...and fell asleep.

Phileine, shall we go out for lunch?

Despite being a social animal, a gnu...

...my intuition told me I was needed elsewhere.

Hey, Party Pussy!

Phileine! Great!

Quiet, they're rehearsing.

- What are you doing here? - I came with Christian.

How come?

He's making a documentary about Max. It's going great!

I'm so glad...

...that Max invited you after all.

I wondered why you invited Lala and not me, but I guess this is your answer!

It's not what you think, Phileine. We're only... Christ!

- What's this? - Rehearsing.

Still don't know your lines, dyslectic lapdogs?

- Some other time? - No.

You try to keep your one true love at a distance.

But invite half Utrecht to drool over your new-found love on stage!

What am I to think? Good question, eh?

Phileine, go home. Really, please! I'll see you tonight.

You're even uglier, paler, smaller and punier than I expected.

Give me drama, Max!

- He can direct your acting, not your life! - Acting is my life!

Cheer up! I found a blonde bosom buddy. So enjoy!

What else can a girl do with a play actor friend?

See those horny eyes squirting at us!

Oh them: the illustrious duo Fuck and Suck.

- I see them here all the time. - Jerking off under the table.

- Fuck is quite something. - No, that's Suck.

He licks his top lip as he laughs, you just watch.

Watching them, I know we're better off as girls.

Us women can always jazz it. That's the difference.

- Jazz it? - Jazz, fuck, shag.

My aberration, dear Kitty, is that I love discussing sex with girlfriends.

Preferably vulgar.

I love girls talking about jazzing, trouser snakes and poking the fire...

- I'll have to learn to live with it. - Crotch?

Did you notice anything about Max and Joanne?

Apart from him fucking her blind, no. What d'you mean?

- You think he's cheating on you? - I only asked.

He's always rehearsing.

You haven't caught him switch-bitching?

Never felt the urge?

With Max?

Oh God, a pass...

Very good. Now get lost.

Yes, we just happen to be wonderful.

Crotch and I are inseparable, but she had classes uptown...

...so I could focus on more important things.

Also present, is Romeo's girl friend. How do you feel?

A good way to ruin my career!

- Did I see an erection? - My future's at stake!

- I saw it. - It wasn't me!

- Who was it? - Romeo.

- So Romeo had an erection?! - Yes. If you cared about my work...

...you'd know that my body is my tool. It's all I have!

Why didn't you just tell me what you were up to?

I wanted to...

...but Reginald said it'd be more shocking and exciting if I didn't.

So you fingered her pussy just to shock and excite me?

Yes.

I really don't understand this world.

It's all fiction...

Fiction...

Nothing but fiction.

What do you make of this?

Quarrelling is nice, but so is making up.

Amazing, it still works. Or is that fiction too?

Phileine...

Can't I blow your peace-pipe? - I'm a bit fed up with sex.

Can't we just have a cuddle?

Suddenly the word cuddle doesn't sound so dumb.

- I'm glad you took it so well in the end. - Me too...

I'll feel a lot better tomorrow knowing you've accepted it.

Tomorrow?

Yes. At the premi�©re.

Of what?

Didn't I tell you?

No.

Tomorrow's the premi�©re.

We open the Shakespeare Festival. Everyone's coming.

- I thought I told you. - No, Max.

You didn't tell me!

Sorry...

As I said, feelings are never hypocritical.

Phileine, how should I put it. She was a She Devil.

A ravishing chick.

I remember she punched her former boy friend Max on the nose in New York.

Phileine was like that.

She was so upset, she punched me on the nose.

Bulls eye!

I never understood the relationship between Phileine and Max.

In the hospital, they used tampons to stop the bleeding.

Basically Phileine was her own worst enemy.

She was hard on herself.

We made up in the hospital room.

She said, while the doctor was at work:-

"Max, life is a nose...

"You have to squeeze out all you can. "

That gave us the giggles.

Phileine was the funniest girl friend I ever had.

At least, she thought so.

She thought so?

How's your nose?

- Shouldn't you say something? - What?

How about Sorry?

Sorry I hit you so hard you can't perform tonight.

You never say Sorry, do you? Never admit your mistake.

It's always someone else.

- I've had enough of you. - Impossible. I never gave you anything!

Give me my coat.

- Sit down. Come on. - No! I can't be late for Reginald.

We were so bad, we have a penal rehearsal.

- We didn't go far enough. - Not far enough?!

- Because you upset Joanne so much. - Good!

- She's so insecure! - It's her boring tits!

Shut up!

I've no sympathy for your soul mate.

Phileine thinks she can get away with anything!

Kiss!

Where have you been?

Jules isn't a man, is she?

- Hello. - Isn't Lala here?

She's having a shower.

In the hall.

Very quaint, a slum hotel.

How did you like the rehearsal?

Must be difficult shooting all those dicks?

We don't have to talk, Phileine.

- Darling. - Sperm Bag!

What brought you here?

A taxi. I was talking to Christian and wondered...

...why he wasn't at today's penal rehearsal.

- Reginald and I weren't impressed. - Why didn't you tell me?

You didn't want to talk, Christian!

Sorry, sugar. I have to go.

Shall we go out for dinner?

Or we'll have nothing to puke at the premi�©re.

I don't know. We have to cut back.

Yes, so I see.

We hope to buy an apartment together.

After three months you're tying the knot with this quasi-artistic Christian?

...I'd say, if I didn't know I shouldn't.

Nice...

Why are you here?

I suddenly realised we haven't seen each other that much.

I see you in New York more often than in Utrecht.

I wanted to get to know Christian a bit. That took time.

Now that you know him a bit...

...can we spend some time together?

I miss you...

...a bit.

You know, Phileine...

Friendship is a bond but...

...love is a bond too.

Genetically, I can only maintain one bond at the time and...

...love is a stronger bond.

Lesson one: Never show your feelings.

There's always something.

I feel like cuddling this rhesus monkey.

Fortunately there's always the Flemish party bitch...

...the Crotch!

How do you suck cock?

- Do you rotate your tongue? - I think so.

Not a good idea.

I was giving a guy head...

...and then I decided to go mad.

I spun my tongue on his dick, sure he'd love it.

But he asked what on earth I was doing.

I said: I'm sucking you!

He said the essence of fellatio was making the mouth like a twat...

- Twat? - Pussy. Does a pussy have a tongue?

- No. - No.

Damn. You have a point.

So all a girl has to say is the word "holy"...

...and then press her tongue and palate against his dick and move up and down.

- Holy. - No...

- Ho-ly. - Holy...

- Shit! - Fuck. Or Suck?

I banged Suck last night.

My vagina is aggressively active.

You can say that again!

Fuck a duck. What a twat.

He has to show his friends he bonked me. Show off!

Anyway, he asked for it.

Lesson one: never reveal your intentions!

Great! Rejected by civilisation!

Just like two bag ladies! But more attractive!

- Where were we? - Playing Holy with the Moly.

And don't forget it.

- What's this? - Off to the premi�©re.

When I go to theatre, I remember why I hate people.

Joanne, the terrible Bearded Clam?

...of her blow jobs, 'cos she can't act.

This is a good moment to take a break for our sponsor.

Usually the novel's better than the film, but this time...

...the film's much better!

Thanks, Ronald.

Does LT have anything important to say?

Some people do anything to show off their social ignorance.

Feelings are never hypocritical.

I'll hold you down!

Don't you have any lines?

That's quite enough!

That's enough, you telescopic twit.

You think you can get away with anything! You thought:-

I'll fuck her! I'll act that I'm fucking her!

Is that which you thought? Forget it, flab.

Have you gone crazy? Sit down, you silly cow.

It's a play. I just explained. You look foolish.

You ruin everything!

I'll never forgive you.

I can't take any more of your pseudo-artistic sex crap!

What you're doing is terrible!

If you think you can get away with...

I won't sit down out there, Max. Come with me and we'll forget it...

...or play your role and you'll never see me again.

I mean it, Max. Now!

He'll come. Wanna bet?

Maybe he can't find his underwear?

Shit! Okay, he asked for it.

Come with me.

If you do it, do it right!

The Manhattan Waterfront is more breathtaking than Dutch dikes.

And his hair is improving.

Thank goodness for that.

Says the girl who used to fuck one guy after another.

Can't these guys stop crying?

I'm on to you, buddy.

No way, flab.

Why don't people like me?

It's the loneliness, Mom, the emptiness.

It's the chatter and gossip...

...and we bob along from crap to useless, via twisted to conceited...

...and vice versa.

Why did I lose Max?

Why do things pass by?

- It's Lottie, in Phileine's house. - It's Phileine, in Mrs Waldorfs house.

Soiling my sheets with your sneaky fuckers?

If you phoned to insult me...

- I fucked up, Mom. - That's nice.

Not fucked, fucked up!

Max wasn't that special.

- Are you really at the Waldorf? - Yes.

How can you afford it? What did you have to do?

I said Max was history and you talk money?

I just wondered how you could afford such an expensive hotel room?

- I made a big mistake, Mom. - Oh no...

What did you do?

I listened to you too much.

You're a baffled baboon and I'm finished with you.

I don't believe you.

- Come on. I want to talk to you. - Go ahead...

- Not here. This is fake. - You're an actor. You love fake.

Okay, you asked for it.

Max, let go!

Put me down!

Christ, Max! Down!

Hey leggo bastard max!

Put me down!

What are you up to?

Can't you see? I'm taking you with me.

I've had enough. Keep quiet...

...we'll forget what happened and all's back to normal.

I was stupid to be so secretive. I should have warned you.

Next time I'll just invite you...

...so you can say you don't like theatre...

...and you don't want to come. Enough is enough!

It's for you.

But first tell me...

Love you too?

You're brains, beauty, beast, best too?

You have something to say?

No!

Are you sure?

What should I tell you?

- You're sure? - What?

What?

At least I gave you a chance!

- Max? Come on. - Get lost, Phileine.

Go back to Utrecht!

Cocksucker!

Christ, all the men are gay!

- Weren't you going home today? - Christian went home. I didn't.

And you know what? I'm happy. I'm happy to be myself again.

So happy... But I need a drink.

Where's Max?

What d'you want?

I should feel sorry for you?

I'm here, aren't I? Isn't that enough?

No, it's not enough.

Since you came, you've only been trouble.

You mean that excavated mummy?

- What's he got? - A cold, that's all...

Crotch, does Leonard have AIDS?

These things happen. Life sucks.

What else is new?

You're a real bitch, a hard, insensitive, selfish ultra-bitch.

You know what I wonder?

What kind of parents call a girl Crotch?

I'd really love to meet them.

Phileine, don't be so melodramatic!

- Stay here, Romeo. - We're not done with you.

Max, can you hear me? I've been a cynical, insensitive bitch.

I want to say it!

- Hey Phileine! - Never mind!

Can you hear me Max?

It's only Phileine!

Sorry, Max. Sorry!

I said Sorry, Max. You heard?

Sorry...

- What did you say? - Sorry.

Sorry for Living.

Love you too!

Did you say Sorry, Phileine?

You crazy bitch!

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