Original subtitles

England's green and pleasant lair. And close to it's heart: Orbiston Parva.

For centuries a quiet and backwater,

today Orbiston Parva moves proudly along the broad highway of human progress.

But man does not live by bread alone,

for his material needs an infinite variety,

for his spiritual needs a variety of the infinite.

...and I remember the young girl, coming to [the Blessy Seat] on the Saturday night, ready to receive...

But when it comes to a christening, a wedding or a burial,

the majority will undoubtedly claim to be Church of England.

It is a Sunday evening... and a town's folk are engaged in their customary devotions.

- ... to shoot me one frail... - I pray you, dont...

All the fours, drupitoes. All the heavens, seventy seven.

Hey, that's enough.

- Nobody ever kissed me the way you do. - Nobody? - No, nobody.

Here, among the mossy records of mortality the name Despard is dominant as elsewhere in Orbiston Parva.

Not far from Trinity church stands a modern factory, the brainchild of the latest of the Despard line.

Tranquilax has brought comfort to millions, wealth to Orbiston Parva,

and reemphasized the influence of the Despard family upon the town.

And since any appointment to the living off a Holy Trinity is vested in the family,

that influence may be said to extend even into the life to come.

Personally, I recommend this man Smallwood.

- I knew his father, the Orthodox. But he's just the right type of man for this parish. - Is he married?

- Eh... No. - Pity.

Sir George always said that a parson should take a wife. Much healthier. Safer too.

Oh, I don't know. Does not Saint Paul say: "It is good for man not to touch a woman"?

Saint Paul was a very queer man. Chastity is all very well but it can lead to difficulties.

Oh, personally I find it's a problem that becomes much easier...

with one grows older.

Ah, soup, soup.

Well, Archdeacon, I suppose I am going to put his name up to the parochial church council.

- Does he have any money of his own? - Oh yes!

A poor parson is such an embarassment. Does he drink?

- The occasional glass of wine. - What, that would be a welcome change after the last one.

I can ensure you Lady Despard. Beecham was a teetotaler before he came to Orbiston Parva.

- And how is he doctrinally? - Middle of the row. Not too high, too low.

Sir George had set a horror of Roman practices. Oh, come on my little darlings. Eat it up.

- May I ask, Lady Despard, would you kindly discuss this appointment with Sir Geoffrey first? - I'm afraid my son takes very liitle interest in affairs of the town.

He does come down occasionally to visit the factory, otherwise I hardly see him.

Well, I must say, both you and your late husband...

- have always been most generous to the Church. I don't know what we should have done without you. - Sir George always tried to do what he could.

- I'll be delighted to do the same. - I'm very happy, my dear Lady Despard. None of our activities in this life goes unrecorded.

Again? Oh dear.

I sometimes wish the boy scout movement had never been thought off.

Your appointment has been approved by the bishop!

Unhappily, I cannot be present at your institution and deduction...

I've been rather overdoing it lately.

My dear friend Lord Buckley has kindly invited me to join him on his yacht at Monte Carlo for a short cruise.

But I will certainly visit you soon after my return. Kind regards.

Just nice time to catch my train.

- Get the wrote to Mr Smallwood today, Miss Palmer. - Yes, Archdeacon. Have a good time.

It's rest I am going for, Miss Palmer, rest. There's no good time, alas.

All right, relax everybody. The old gassy geezer (or gassing geyser?) is gone.

Molly dear, be an angel, look up the Reverend John Smallwood address.

- In the register? - Oh, I shouldn't bother. It would be in the file in there. - Smallwood... The register address.

JOHN EDWARD SMALLWOOD, is that one?

Yes, that will be him. Let's have it.

Thank you. "SMALLWOOD, Fairfield prison." Nr. GRIMSDYKE.

- Taxi for Rev. Smallwood. Taking to the station. - OK.

You wait there on the left.

He's just gone on the cells, sir, saying goodbye to his flock of a black sheep.

And I don't mind to tell you, Wilson, I will be damn glad to get rid of having him here.

He certainly has got some queer ideas, sir. I mean that sermon on this last Sunday:

- "Judge not lest thee be judged", to the bunch of thieves. Ha! - Damned idiot!

And me he did say this time he is determined that 181 would repented if you please in order to be made a trustee.

- 181? A trustee? Even if he's had spreaded wings and halo, I wouldn't trust him. - That's what I've told him.

D'you know what he said?

To be trustworthy, the governor, the man has to be trusted.

Would you believe it? That's a bloody fine way to run a prison.

- Here. [Didn't you say God takes care of every worry then?] - Yes, rather. - Isn't it typical!

There he goes now.

It's more important to say goodbye to bunch of crooks than to me.

Wait for a moment. Something funny here.

That's not him!

Right! Open up!

Wait! Hold!

Come on. Let's have a look.

All right, 181. So the chaplain is right.

You've had a call, haven't you?

- Taken halo with the suit. - Yes, he's taken them all right.

Ordained [in fact in just a few minutes]. Quite a record.

Well 181, you are going to retreat for a time. Solitary confinement.

Right! Now let's say goodbye to Smallwood. Come on.

- Which cell is it? - It's here, sir.

All right, untie him.

Well, Smallwood, it seems that one of your flock was a wolf in your clothing.

I hope, you don't mind. We've taken liberty of rounding him up. Put him back in the cage.

- Oh, tough. I don't know what he hit me with. - The chaplain's things, sir. - Thank you.

Here you are, Smallwood.

Let's hope they don't have the pants off you in Orbiston Parva.

- Excuse me. Can I get a bus here? - You'll be lucky. - Oh, well...

- [Is it that you could arrange for me...] - Not me, mate. I've got work to do.

Excuse me.

- Can you tell me how far it is to areach the Trinity vicarage, please? - Well, Reverend, I think I can tell you that.

- It's well over a mile from here. - Is it?

- Is there a bus service? - Non, you've just missed a bus. - Oh dear! Looks like I will have to walk.

Wait, Reverend. You're not going to walk all that way, carrying those heavy bags.

[If you don't mind riding in my garbage truck you are welcome to ride around with me.]

- Well, that is very kind of you, indeed. Thank you very much. - Well, you go around and climb on the other side. And I'll carry this one. - Right over.

- You open the door and I'll carry it in. - All right, sir. Thank you.

- I tell you, it's his. - It can't be! - It's his, I tell you, I saw his collar.

Here you are, Reverend. Is there something else I can do for you?

No, thanks. [You've already done your bit.] I am very grateful.

Well, man we are got to help one another. Is that it?

Here... What would you say to real cup of tea?

Reverend, I've been here just long enough never say no to a cup of tea.

Well, let's find where the kitchen is.

- I must say it's a rather peculiar way for the new vicar to arrive. - Do you think we would want to ask him in for a cup of tea or something? - I don't see why. It's wrong. It's all up to him, I think.

Come on, let's sit down.

A great day for me, My first parishioner.

- Thank you, Reverend. - Here, you cut the bread.

I don't mind to tell you, I'm very glad I have somebody to be sharing with.

Your family, Reverend, are they in Church too?

Eh, no, my Mum and Dad used to keep a little grocery shop. But it barely kept them. There was more money on the slide than it was in a till.

Bless them, they could never refuse anybody.

Sounds just like my Mum. She had ten children. Six girls and four boys.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I am Matthew. My Mum...

She could not refuse anybody either.

- What about your Dad? - Oh man, I don't know.

We all had different fathers. But my Mum used to say:

- "You are good Christian children. You've got the same father in heaven." - Oh, well, she was right and fair, Matthew.

Oh, Mum used to say: "God is love".

- And for the Lord's sake she just never stopped loving. - But she'd sent you to the church regularly? - No man, no! She never sent us. She took us.

You know, Reverend, back home our church had a tin roof. And when the rain came, you couldn't hear nothing of what the preacher was saying.

So that we just had to sing hymns.

I tell you, if the Lord had ever listen, he must have put cotton within his ears!

- Yeah, man! Hallelujah! - Hallelujah it is indeed, Matthew. - There was, there was "Christian Soldiers". That was one we used to sing.

"All the Saints", that was another.

- And "Milk and Honey". - "Jerusalem, the Golden"? - Uhm.

- "Jerusalem, the Golden..." - You've got it, man. And my favorite.

- You know what was that one? - What was that? - I'll play that for you.

Angels, in the height adore him; Ye behold him face to face. Saints triumphant, bow before him, Gather'd in from every race. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise with us the God of grace. (Hymn "Praise, my soul, the king of heaven.")

I want to say you: you're right! I mean, we always go to church on Easter...

except when the weather's nice. Of course, [if we have a nice day, we go on a trip somewhere.] But mind you, we are good Christians, there's no doubt about that.

And I mean, I do think the church just try to do you good, that I mean, no? We simply haven't got the time, have you? I'm sure, you understand.

Well, I'm sorry, [but I've got a washing machine switched on down there.] Excuse me. Thank you very much.

No doubt about that because the need for Christianity has never been greater that it is today.

But what you've got to show them:

there is no good hope for credit in the next world,

until they put up a balance in this. Same as banking.

Well, actually, I think we are all pretty religious, right dear? And you simply can't it interfere with your ordinary life, can you?

Well, the church is all right for rich, isn't it?

I mean, they got something to be thankful for, aren't they?

[You don't need to go to church to be a Christian, do you?]

Well, only nanny squares go to church, don't they?

[- So Orbiston Parva's tick in the window to be already, man?] - Yes!

- My name's Owen Thomas. - How do you do? My name's Smallwood.

That service place gets you, chaps. You'll be flat like a tyre.

- Well, it doesn't say that it had flattened you, does it? - Only because... in there I give them plenty of a fire and furnace stuff.

That's the trouble of C of E: you've forgotten pyres of hell.

- Well, it might it's easier to see the light above. - Ah, that's where you are wrong, man.

In a place like this it's only the fires of hell that keep the churches warm.

Well, I'd like to stay and argue that point of view but I'd better keep moving before the rain comes down. Cheerio.

You wait, Smallwood! I tell you Orbiston Parva is an absolute Sodom of a place!

[Ah, there, you can't but like it, can you?]

Get out of here!

[I will, I'll make you to pay for this, Willie Smith.]

Come, belt up!

- Nosy little bleeder. Who is he then, Doris? - One of me brothers. Sex mad, I reckon.

Morning, Joyce.

- Good news, Geoffrey! [The eviction orders just have been sent them.] - Just look at that place.

They turned it into a damned garbage dump.

- Now what about the council's planning committee, Fowler? - That is all fixed, Geoffrey.

- Should be all right. - And what our legal boys? To draw up the invoke contract? - Well, if you wouldn't mind, Sir Geoffrey, just for the moment I'd prefere to have a gentleman's agreement.

- Seeing that I am on the council myself, you know, I... I think it would look better. - Do that like you want it.

In the meantime we'll get to the motions pulling the job out to tender.

Thank you Sir Geoffrey very much!

My main worry is the eviction order.

- These local boys can be a bit sticky when it comes to splitting their families. - Nonsense.

These buildings gonna put a lot of money to a lot of pockets around here.

Nobody is going to have worries about that scruffy Smith family.

- But you know, you've no right to be here. - Who said...? - Wait a bit. We've got no right, She knows it. The poor man has no right just now! - Mr Smith, of course you've got rights. But eviction order means that you must be off this land by next Monday! - Oh, does it?

- Mum, she's down there again. - Oh, shut up, Willie! Go on Harry, launch it to him. - Did you get what I said, Mr Smith? - Oh, I get it all right.

- What am I supposed to do with this lot? - The children will be moved to the homes bound by the county council...

and the grown-ups to accomodation in Orbiston Parva.

- Who is going to bloody pay, that's what I want to know? - Well, your husband, of course.

- But what with? - My business is here.

You have to go to work, Mr Smith. Most people do, you know.

Go to work?

- Go out to work? I can't afford to do that. - You can't afford to do anything else.

No wonder the country is in the bloody state it is!

Go on, just tell him, Harry.

- Just give him an idea of a situation. - Listen mate. Go on, just tell him, Harry.

- Just give him an idea of a situation. - Listen mate.

I get 4 pounds 10 of the National Assistance for me and the missis,

then a 17 bob for each of the kids. That brings us to 10 pounds 9.

Then the family allowances which bring up to 14 pounds,

count up 18 bob a week from me army pension... - For his cough. ...for me cough,

10 bob the prisoner's aid, 7 and 6 for the legion.

- Then her tree. - That is my three. - My sister in law on that three is dependent.

That brings us up to 19 pounds 10.

All right Mr Charlie Bloody Claw...

you tell me where can I pick up [and touch] all that money working?

- Well, with your head for the fiddle line try the City of London.

Why is it for the fiddle?

Oh, you're calling me a fiddler now, aren't you? You all heard that, didn't you?

I can have you for libel. It's a diabolical liberty.

Don't forget, you get out of here by Monday or you're all for it!

- [Harry, do you know him?] - [I don't know.] -[What's this devil, what does he want?]

- Good afternoon. What's going on? - What do you want?

- I'm a new vicar. I've just come round to introduce myself. - What, you from the council too, then? - Mum, mum! - Willie, shut up!

- No, I've just come to Holy Trinity. You're in my parish, you see? And... - What do you want then?

Well, I just go around to say hello, see if there is anything you want, [anything that I can do for you.]

Oh I see!

Oh, you've come at the right time, you have, vicar.

Do you mind if I sit down? I'm still a casualty, you see.

- I only get 18 bob a week from the army. - Not a very great deal, is it? - I'm not complaining.

- Win, go and get the vicar a nice cup of tea. - Win...

while you're making it, [get the baby to poop] for me, will you?

Sidney, go and get the vicar a chair to sit on.

Oh, don't you worry, well, me, I'll sit here.

You take that cigarette [of your face]. [That's where all the harm is.]

- What exactly is the trouble? - Well, let me put it as man to man, vicar.

- Is it right to split up a family? - No, it definitely is not right.

See, this is my sister in law with their three...

- And these eleven of mine. - That's a fair number.

Well, you can do nothing about that, can you? I mean...

it's God's will, isn't it?

Right, you know, yes... But it is looking like... giving,... giving him quite a bit of help.

Well, I have it tried to cut down with smoking.

You can't do everything at once, can you?

What is it they want to do with you?

Yeah, well, first, you see, they want to take the kids and put them in a home. Well I can't help that.

- Well, I must say, they look bonny enough to me. - As good as gold they are, too.

- Mum! Mum! Mum! - Yes, love, what is it?

- Doris is down the woods again with a man. - Oh yes, love. Still there, is she? Picking wildflowers? - You know, well, that's my eldest girl, Doris.

She loves nature, that girl, sort of.

- Well, if she loves nature, she is certainly on the right road. - Oh yes, she loves it all right.

All that I ask them, vicar, is: to stay as I am, independent.

- I respect you for that, Mr... - Smith, Harry Smith.

Well, Harry, I don't know what I can do exactly, but I certainly will do what I can to help.

- Well, it's kind of nice for his first service. - Yes, lovely.

- Good morning Mrs Vernard, this is a pleasure, we don't often see you here. - Well, I simply had to come and have a look at the new vicar.

I couldn't stand the last one!

- Who is the man with her? - She says he's her cousin!

As this is my first sermon,

I think I ought to tell you... that I am not a good Christian.

But I want to be, so I'm trying.

But it's not like journey the co-op, you know.

Your divvie depends not on how much you spend. It depends on how much you put in.

Jesus was quite clear about that.

If we want to join his club,

we're got to do what he told us and live as he [showed us.] You can't dodge that fact. So there's no point in trying.

This town is full of people, who call themselves Christians.

But from what I've seen of it, I wouldn't mind taking a bet there aren't enough real Christians about to feed one decent lion.

Orbiston Parva stopped bothering about God,

or has decided that he stopped bothering about Orbiston Parva.

"Broken up diplomatic relations" you might say.

And the sad thing...

people don't think that it matters.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to try... to reopen the negotiations with the Kingdom of God.

I think it's outrageous that the new vicar should start by insulting his congregation.

- I agree. The pulpit is not the place for remarks of that type. - As a member of the parochial church council I think it's our duty to make it clear to him.

I could not see the point. If we were not Christians we wouldn't even be in church.

Stop fiddling with that stove, Mr. Hughes!

- I'm just trying to make the place a little warmer. - You're wasting your time! Do come and sit down.

- It beats me why Lady Despard chose that fellow? - Strange choice.

- I mean he's rather a rough diamond, isn't it? - And them ghastly boots he wears! - Oh, I don't know.

I was new chap on BBC with old boots.

That does not surprise me. Not in the least.

Well, he'll be here, so we... I think we're all to decide now, how we'll handle him.

- We simply must stop him [in his indignities]. - Well, I suggest the major carries on as vicar's warden.

- Of course. - Well, I have prepare to. - What do you say?

- We will say he'll carry on as vicar's warden! - No, no, no, he was not a prison warden. He was a chaplain. - He does not hear, you know. He does not hear the damn!

Evening, all.

- Sorry for peeping through the window. - What the devil happened?

I've lost a way and happened to fall into a grave.

- Into a grave? - Yes a new that they've just dug. Still getting out was a great practice for Judgment Day.

- You're sure you're all right, vicar? - Yes I'm fine I tell you. Carry on. I'll just sit here and get dry.

We were just discussing vicar's warden. Major Fowler has agreed to carry on.

Eh, this is very kind of you, major... Very kind.

I've been doing a bit of thinking about that.

And I'd rather like to introduce a new blood into that job.

- A new blood? - But recently the major has practically run the parish. You see, the last vicar had a certain weakness.

- Very well. I have quite a few myself. - Whisky. Used to drink it like water. - Ah! Poor fellow.

If [he'd had] more of the Christian spirit about him he wouldn't have to top it with the other sort.

- Have you somebody else in mind? - Yes I have as a matter of fact.

And I've asked him along tonight to meet you.

Tonight? Really vicar, we shouldn't be in such a hurry.

Aren't we? We are in hurry. This place is in a pretty rotten shape, isn't it?

- So you think [that it's so bad], Mr Smallwood? - Oh, I certainly do, major.

Of course it doesn't matter what do I think! That's what He thinks up there.

- Oh hello, Matthew! Come in! Come in! - Evening, Reverend. - Evening, evening!

- My, my, it's an...

awful night outside. - [It is. Take off your wet coat.]

- I'm scared. Meet all these high people. - Oh, don't be silly. They are all very nice. - Good God!

Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to meet Matthew Robinson, who's kindly agreed to be my new vicar's warden.

Matthew, you come to sit here between Mrs Smith-Gould and major Fowler.

Beauty on one side, brains on the other. Not that I can say which is which.

Well then, what's the first it would be on the agenda?

Hey, Smith!

- You can't take all this junk with you. OK? - Who says so? - Look, be reasonable, man.

The accomodation we have found you... they are respectable homes.

Listen mate, you can stick your accomodation.

- And climb up outright! - All right, there's no need to be crude! - I will tell you something else, mate.

We're going to the place where your blooming council can't come and poke their bleeding noses in.

- [... so may you go and get your notice...] - ...and stick up feather in your hat.

- My God, that's a bit of luck. - I've sweated nights trying to house that scum.

- They'll be out, man. It seems that they clear out of the town. Thank the God to that. - That's true enough.

Well, I suppose, I'd better go and spread the good news.

Don't worry, you did a good job, Clay!

Getting those people off that ground without the trouble.

I know, you do your best, so then they spit in your face.

I hope that's the last we've seen them, that blood... worthless bunch.

[Anyway, there's somebody else who's worrying now about them.]

Hello... Hello...? Are you still there, major Fowler?

Here...

...and lying there on the deck of Lord Buckley's yacht with the sun palling down on my naked body...

I've suddenly realized how much easier it is for the rich to live that truly simple life our Lord had lived.

It's an interesting thought, Archdeacon.

- Archdeacon... excuse me gentlemen, the bishop wants you at once. - Oh, excuse me.

But Jesus, he's committed no breach of ecclesiastical rules or civil law.

Until he does that he can't be moved.

But surely something may be done, My Lordship. It's like living next to... a den of thieves.

I do sympathize but...

the vicarage belongs to vicar... parson's freehold...

If these people are a nuisance for [you then it's] something for civil authorities.

But this man is chosen as vicar's warden... He's virtually illiterate... that's the part of other things.

Right, right... There again, vicar appoints his own warden, you know.

He's a dustman, my lord.

It's an unusual choice!

But I suppose he could say a lot about certain precedence for choosing a humble.

Come in.

- The archdeacon, my lord. - Ah, Aspinall.

We have here a little bother in Orbiston Parva.

- Your chaplain was just telling me about that, my lord. - We'll have to do something!

Your protégé seems to be getting off on a wrong foot.

I really don't know what [to tell you], my lord.

I know John Smallwood and his family for years. It does not sound a bit like him.

- Tell me, does Lady Despard know this? - We haven't told her, not yet.

Good. I don't want that dear Lady upset.

Oh really! Geoffrey, listen to this!

"Dear Lady Despard."

"Only the day I learned that Smith family was being put off your land with split of the family,"

"I received your check to the [church] organ fund."

"I happen to believe that people are more important instruments of God's will,"

and therefore I cannot accept your gift at this time. Yours sincerely, John Smallwood. "

But what do you think of that?

Sounds a bit of crank. It's the first time I have heard of a parson refusing money.

- But Geoffrey, I'm not responsible for these people. - Of course not.

The authorities are taking care of them. And we are paying for it, our rates and taxes.

- Then I do think Geoffrey, you ought to go and see the vicar and explain our position. - Simply not possible, mother.

This time tomorrow I should be on my way for the Far East, [scheduled] be back for... two months.

I do wish you take a little more interest in the affairs of the town, like your father used to.

Mother darling, I'm going on this trip for Tranquilax. And nowadays Tranquilax is Orbiston Parva.

You forget him. And [no one] takes parsons seriously these days anyway.

Very well, I should have to see him myself, I suppose.

Watch it! Watch!

Is the vicar here, child?

Is the vicar here, child?

Hello... Hello!

Yes? What do you want?

- I wish to see Mr Smallwood, please. - Yes, wait a moment, I'm going to see. Harry? Harry!... Harry!

[Oh, you can't get here a little bit of peace, can you?] What do you want?

- Come on, answer the door. - I saw him! I saw him! - What?

He's got a tail like a great big snake, black!

You don't often tell them, don't you?

- Morning. - Could I possibly see the vicar?

No, well, well I don't know, he's not here right now.

- When do you expect him? - I don't know. - Ask the gentleman in, Harry. Ask him in!

- Ah... - Let me!

- Would you come in sir, please sir. He's only gone out to the church. - Thank you.

I'll send one of the kids there to fetch him.

Take a seat, sir, will you please, sir.

Willie?... Willie! Come here!

- What do you want? - Quick, run to the church. Tell reverend there's somebody here to see him. - All right, mum.

- I say, Willie. - Yeah.

- Not if he's praying, mind. - Which will I say wants him? - The Archbishop of Canterbury.

[Don't want to distract you from your work.]

You... How do you know he is the Archbishop of Canterbury?

- By them long spats on his legs. I've seen them on the telly. - What's he doing here, then? - Perhaps he's coming here to get us out.

No, no.

[He's up to the old subterfuge: nip in suddenly like to see no one is over there quietly kipping in the (?)].

Lucky we said he was over in the church, praying.

- He's in there! In there. - Oh, right, thanks.

- By the way, I hope you all will be here around tonight because Matthew is coming to start the Bible classes. - Oh yes, vicar. Thank you.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- He's not back yet, I'm afraid. - Who? - He was sent for. He won't be long!

- Who won't be long? - The vicar.

- Erm... but I am the vicar. - No, I mean Smallwood. - Yes, that's right. Smallwood.

-What do you mean... that's right. Smallwood?

I mean I am John Smallwood.

But you are nothing like John Smallwood. I've known him for years.

I've known him all my life.

I thought you must be...

What in heaven's name is going on here.

The other Smallwood, of course, [should had been living here.] Your appointment was a mistake.

I've never thought of myself before as a clerical error.

We will find you another parish of course... but... somewhere, more suited your... particular gifts.

But I don't want another parish.

If I've come to Orbiston Parva, it's because I was meant to come. I'm not packing it in now.

I... I didn't want to have to say this... but the bishop has already received a number of complaints about you.

- That doesn't worry me. I'm staying. - It...

it doesn't? - You remember what it says in the Bible?

"Woe unto you, when all men speak well of you."

- This is a Lady Despard. Is it all right to let her in? - Yes, of course, surely.

Lady Despard is... Smallwood, say nothing of this mix-up. About you're being the wrong man.

But I think I am the right man.

- My dear Lady Despard. - Good morning, Archdeacon. I didn't expect to find you here.

- I thought you are still in the south of France. - I've returned last week.

- Now, let's... let's find you a chair. - Thank you.

- In the circumstances I think it's just as well you are here. - Oh!

- The vicar here returned my donation to the organ fund. - Well, the mistake surely.

- Must have been the mistake. - No, there was no mistake about it, no.

- But surely, you are well aware of the Despards' exceptional generosity to our church. - If he isn't he should be. - Quite, quite.

That if there hadn't been the Despards, the church would have fallen down years ago.

The repairs to the tower, the damp raft in the vestry... not to mention the dry rot in the pulpit.

- I still think that what I did was right. - You still think that? - I do!

- I mean to hear you talk like that, Lady Despard, you think the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost were the firm of builders-[magians]. - Mr Smallwood!

Buildings are not that important! We are the ones that one's saving. It's people that confess with God. Even before churches. Isn't that right, Archdeacon?

I thought you said that Mr Smallwood was not married.

- I assume that child belongs to the family he's taken in. - That's right, yes, yes. - Who are they?

Here are the Smiths. You remember, I wrote you about them.

- You mean these people here are from that family? - Yes, yes. - What?

- [I assume they were] billeted on you? - No, no, no, but...

Great big place like this empty vicarage and people looking for the roof wouldn't make sense, would it?

But what about the authorities? Goodness knows we pay enough in rates and taxes.

It isn't the paying, you know. It's the caring. That's what counts with God.

I don't think there is any need to keep bringing God into this, Smalwood.

Well, it's difficult to keep Him out. Especially if you are working for Him like we are.

Yes, what is it, Willie?

- Doris is doing some chips for your dinner, mister. - Oh, Willie, that's fine.

That's lovely. Go now, Willie, there's a good lad. Go on, off you go!

- Sorry about that. - Why, must say I should find all this most worrying.

- Yes, well I do worry. - Then you should have let to the council to accommodate them. - I must agree.

It's not these people I am worried about.

- I am worried about you. - Me? - Yes.

You see, from a Christian point of view, you are in a bit of a fix, aren't you?

I mean we've all got a few barriers to jump over on our way to heaven...

but with the weight you're carrying, well... I'm worried about whether you'll be there to finish! - What exactly do you mean: the weight I am carrying?

- Well, I was thinking of that bit about "the rich in the eye of the needle." - Oh, come, come, Smallwood. Nowadays that passage is given a very different interpretation.

- Yes, I dare say. - Are you really telling me that because I am rich I might... - ... go to hell.

I am not starting that Bible classes. Not in my age.

I don't know what my brother Fred ever saw in you. You're so div!

And he's so bright upstairs! That's why he's got to the jug for two years.

Wouldn' you shut your [fly channel] and listen to me, for five minutes!

We're living here for nix, aren't we?

- So what? - And he lets us do what we like, don't he? - Well...

Right. If this nit wants Bible classes, he's got to get Bible classes.

- Why don't we all join the Salvation Army and done with it? - Mummy, can I come and feed the donkey? - Yes, you can feed the donkey.

Don't you say that. We've got to keep this geezer sweet.

Suppose he changes his mind and chucks us all out?

- It still do that. - What, lose fifteen new customers? Not on your nelly.

Not, as long as he thinks he's getting us really to be saints.

Don't get me wrong. I have got nothing against money, Lady Despard!

- I mean you can do a power of good with it... Except of course to yourself. - The Church has to live with the world as it is! We have to compromise.

Well, if you want my candid opinion... I would have thought...

that is the one thing you an I, Archdeacon, we ought not do. - I think I've heard quite enough of your candid opinions for one morning. I have shoo shoo me to my car, Archdeacon.

You'll be hearing from me, Smallwood, I promise you.

- Good morning, Mr. Smallwood. - God bless you. God bless you, Archdeacon.

Do you like donkeys, mister?

I try to, love.

God bless you. I try to.

- I can only say he's not quite the man I thought he was. - Exactly...

- Most disturbing. - Oh, don't worry dear Lady, I am sure we shall find the way. - I hope so. I really do hope so.

Right, Davis.

- [?.] She ain't touched the thing! - Here. Give me this to see here.

- Can't stand this mess much longer. - Just look at that again. - Lovely!

I like your cooking, Bessie, even if she doesn't.

Not only off the grub, she's off her riding a horse and all.

Ever since I come here it's: "Why ain't you done this, why ain't you done that?"

Now suddenly this last week not a gripe out of her.

I tell you I can't make what's going into her!

Mr Franklin has arrived, my lady.

- The farm manager is here, my lady. - Yes? Ah yes, yes.

- Oh Simpson, tell me, do you ever worry about what will happen to you when your time here is over? - Oh not really, my lady.

- I've saved a bit and with the pension you promised me and the few shares in Tranquilax Sir George left me, I should be all right. - No Simpson, I mean when life itself is over.

Oh, that, my lady. Oh, I haven't given much thought to that, I'm afraid.

All I hope is that up there I shall still be serving you, my lady.

- And Sir George, of course. - Very nice thought, isn't it? But I don't think that is quite what is meant by laying treasure in heaven.

- And what are you, Phyllis? - Virgo I am. - Virgo...

- Ah! Here you are: "Today someone will put a suggestion to you". - Guess what!

- "Do not take it too seriously or you will land up in trouble." - Not me! I never let them.

Here... I've found out what's biting her.

- The old cow is worrying about getting ready for the next world. - Give me her brass and you can have the next world. - Yeah! I'll get me fun in Nice.

- Italy, Cairo, Hollywood and what not. - You wouldn't be Virgo for long in any of them places.

If you ask me, people that starts worrying about the next world,

make themselves the bloody nuisance in this one.

All these years I've never known what happens to the farm produce.

- I mean where to everything go? - Well, let's see.

The young bullocks, some go to Godminster, the others go to a market here. Same with the pigs.

The eggs go off to packing station and the milk, well, is sent up to London every day. It's a matter of routine, really.

I see. Well now, Mr. Franklin, I've decided to make some changes.

- Well, I can make you to have five hundred dozen eggs a week to give away. - Give away?

At office we've never touched an idea, I reckon.

- I've never heard such nonsense. Every day when I pass this shop you're advertising free gifts. - Oh yes, that's not the same thing.

That's incentive marketing.

What you are suggesting is unfair trading. Couldn't do that.

But you couldn't do that!. I mean where is the profit?

- There's got to be a profit somewhere for someone. - I don't want to make a profit.

- But why are you against giving meat away? - Look lady, do me a favour.

You'll be asking me next one [why I'm] not a vegetarian.

- Charley, [bring me these kidneys.] - But I'm only asking you to give away my produce! - Lady, I'm running a butcher shop, not a church jumble sale.

Here you are, lady. [Four and ninety, love.]

Don't you see, lady? We can't afford it. We've got to live. And if you want to do that, you go and see a parson.

- Yes, lady? - Half pound of scrag end, please.

- Mandarin seems to be a bit off colour this morning, Simpson. Did you remember to switch on this electric blanket last night? - Oh yes, my lady.

Come on my darling. What's the matter there?

Now, [come to mummy. Let's eat a little.] Come on... No?

Very well! Now, we'll put it over here, shall we?

And perhaps you'll fancy it later.

The Reverend Smallwood, my lady.

- How do you do, Lady Despard? - I'm so glad you've come, vicar. It's most kind of you. - Oh, glad to. - Do sit down. - Oh right.

- And please help yourself. - Oh [thanks.] You will have something? - No, thank you.

Look vicar, what you said to me the other day, I've been thinking about that great!

I'm very much troubled in my mind about that.

I realize now that I am far from being the sort of person I should be.

- Well, if you realize that, Lady Despard, you're certainly on the right road. - But it's not easy you know. It's really isn't easy.

I know that. It never has been!

Since I last saw you I had been making everything to try to help people here in a really practical way.

- Good for you. - This is quite impossible. Nobody will help me.

You really think that there could be some sort of conspiracy to prevent you from doing good.

The trouble is that devil is always waiting around ready to take a swat bat at us.

- Not terribly straight, Harold. - Straight enough.

- And by the way, you have spoken to head office about Tranquilax building? - Oh yes, I've written to them about that, [don't worry].

- Banks agree to let you have 25000 to get started. - Oh fine!

- Of course before you actually sign the contract you have to let us have the details on the house and the personal guarantee for the loan. - Oh that's final, boy.

- With Tranquilax and the Despards behind me I'm safe enough [until I die.] - I should say so.

- I mean when we think about it... it is like the loaves and the fishes, isn't it, but without any miracle being necessary, of course. - Do you really think we can?

Lady Despard, you can do anything if you really believe.

Very tasty, those.

Of course this can take quite a few weeks to get going.

And mind you, it can cost you a lot of money, keeping a farm guy and setting up an organization. You do realize that, don't you?

You do realize that?

Oh yes of course, but don't worry about that. I have other resources I can easily count upon.

Did you really enjoy that?

Yes, I find them very appetizing, very nice indeed.

Alec, give me the middle price of Tranquilax ordinary.

- Well, well, what do you know? - What does she know, that's the point.

- Yes? - 17 and 9, sir. [That's the bearing.] - What is the size of Lady Despard's holding in Tranquilax?

Guarantee the half the shares.

- So what's the game? - I don't know.

- I've just been reading the last report. The company seems to be flourishing. - Maybe something is going wrong. The young Despard kept mummy off.

What? To sell on the open market and keep everybody else off?

No! What everybody knows about the Despards, what they are, it certainly wasn't motherly love.

"CHURCH HALL WILL BE OPEN AS A CENTRE... "

"FOR A SCHEME TO DISTRIBUTE GOODS FREE... " "THE PURPOSE IS CHRISTIAN UNITY AND THE REDISCOVERY OF THE CHRISTIAN JOY OF GIVING."

Well that's enough, man.

- What's all this is? - Not today, thank you. Church is delivering now. See! I want to give it a try.

Oh! Oh no, I canned that my meat order this weekend, thank you very much.

[My hubby says they are giving it away free in the church now. After all, we are all Christians and always have been happy to support them.]

- [Well, if you don' mind I'll go now. I've got my washing machine running.] - Thank you, we have to cancel your order, I'm afraid. We are using the church now.

Do you see that greedy cow back there?!

- Here you are, love. - Thank you very much. - There, who's next? - I am.

- How many you are in your family? - 14. - 14!... Right!

My [old man said tomato you sold me up] yesterday was too squishy.

- We can't let him be unsatisfied, can we? Now, then what about some beetroot? - Oh no, he can't stand them!

- One packet of Lux. - And half-pound of tea. The best. - I only have a quarter, dear.

- Oh, just a minute, Mrs Baddock. - What do you want, Mrs Clap? - If you don't mind, I think you have made a bit of mistake.

- I don't know what are you talking about. - Oh, I think you do, dear. What you've got wrapped up in that papers is my best end of neck.

Here we are my dear. It's all legs and breast. Just waiting to be stuffed.

Come on, the next. I'll be the one to give you the bird.

Here you are, lady. Next please.

- One tin can of pineapple titbits. - One packet of Krunchies.

- One packet of Krunchies. - And a tin of carnation.

- Here you are, madame. That's everything you wanted. - Right! Good!

And that's your lot, everybody. No more for today, please.

- And what about them birds? - Sorry about them. They are for special needy cases.

Get a lot out of the side door, quick!

Oh, I think that's a lot.

- Go on! We don't think we're quite sure of anything, you know? - Well, I forgot. I need some sauce!

Sauce? That's the one bleeding thing you don't need, mate.

- I don't know nothing about your belly of pork! - Look at this then! There! That's your belly!

- God bless you, vicar. God bless you! - Thank you very much. That's very nice.

- Morning, vicar. - Morning. - Thanks, vicar.

- Excuse me, vicar. - Yes. - I wonder if I can ask you one or two questions?

- Eh well, I'm... just on my way to the church. - Well, it won't take a moment.

Vicar, do you really feel that in these days of the welfare state there is any need to this sort of charity?

- I do, definitively, yes, yes. - But surely there are no really desperately poor people in the country anymore.

- Well, I don't think that is necessarily true, but in any case I'm just as worried about the rich. - About the rich?

That's quite a... new idea, isn't it?

That's a very old one. Young man, you are not reading your Bible!

Because this is only a start. I expect to see a lot more giving and far less getting around this place.

- Yes. At the moment it does seem to be... rather the other way round, doesn't it? - Ah, from that side that's right, but eh...

the example is there. It will catch on.

You see, after all Christianity is an example. It's give, give, give. From the widow's mite to life itself.

What immediate effects, if any, do you expect from all this?

Well, you only have to look around you.

- The goodwill always breeds goodwill. - Then what have you got in that bleeding paper, hey?

- You take your hands off my... - I've got to see whatever have you got wrapped in that paper. - You give that packet to me! - I must see what you've got in here.

- I knew it! Just what you'd expect from gentleperson like you! - Ladies! Ladies! Please stop [quarreling]. - You mind your own business. You don't even belong here. Get your black face out of it!

I've put a transatlantic call through to Sir Geoffrey this morning...

and he wants you to put out this statement to all the news agencies immediately... Quote:

"Rumors in the press now spread relating to financial stability of Tranquilax Limited... are quite without foundation..."

"The board of directors are of opinion that the fall in the value of the shares..."

"are due to the operation of the speculators on the Stock Exchange". Unquote.

- How's that, Joyce? - Magnificent. - Good!

[What about some sport outside tonight, then?]

- Here, what's going on? You're another one that is coming back with the full load! - Flogging a day cargo!

- It's all this "Good Neighbour" lark. They all cancel their orders. - A few more weeks like this and we all be bloody ruined!

Finally, Mr President, rotarian Sawbridge writes from hospital to say that he is sitting up and taking measures... to welcome visitors.

So if any of you boys can spare half an hour [to help]... pop in there and see Arthur. I know he will appreciate it!

Incidentally for those of you who didn't know...

- Arthur's had almost a whole of his stomach removed. - Hear, hear!

Thank you all. Now gentlemen...

- I'd like to call upon our distinguished guest... - Mr. President, if I might interrupt you...

in view of this subject of our guest's lecture, perhaps the archdeacon would explain from a Christian point of view...

the goings-on under [the roof of] the church hall lately. - Hear, hear!

Well, I admit I'm looking at that from the retail business point of view, but...

- This "Good Neighbour" business is beginning to cause some very real hardship. - Hear, hear! - This is absolute disgrace, Mr President!

- A cheap diabolical advertising stunt to entice members of other churches by... by... by offering free gifts. - Hear, hear!

I tell you it has to be nipped in a bud before we are in it up to our necks, otherwise every sinner in this place will be expecting a reward instead of a damnation he so richly deserves!

- From the church's point of view, this is lunacy! No, I repeat... - Hear, hear! - Absolute lunacy!

What I need is an expert opinion on this man mental state. In confidence of course.

- The archdeacon tells me that you have a man that can do it. - Certainly.

- Would you wait here. We'll have you after, when the bishop is free. - [Thanks.]

- "Punch" or "The Church Times"? - Well, there is no much [difference], is there?

- [Here's your tea. Hold it.] - Thanks, Elsie.

- Could I see Archdeacon Aspinall, please? - Have you an appointment?

I have, but it is for tomorrow.

But I had to be at Godminster today, so I've just popped in after the chance to see him now.

- What name, please? - Smallwood.

- Oh yes, I know. - I suppose you have an idea what he wants to see me about? - No, no, I have none, I'm afraid.

Perhaps it's about the living at Orbiston Parva.

- Somebody else has got it by mistake [and knew it]. - Oh dear! - Pity. Dreadful. - Well, if you'll just take a seat outside. I'll let you know when the archdeacon is free. - Oh, thank you.

[This is gasping delicious!]

Well, as I've explained to the bishop, his conduct certainly reveals the disquieting symptoms

of almost childlike simplemindedness for example,

coupled with a most unhealthy exhibitionism.

[Saddening, the sortof this solomindnedness that it is] so susceptible to the example set nowadays by certain deans and canons.

He's waiting downstairs, my lord.

The Church has always had it's quota of the psychologicaly abnormal...

of course... but in the past your chaps have made them saints.

- How do you do? - [Good afternoon.]

- Naturally, I don't want to be in a mistake here. We couldn't afford that. - Don't worry about that, Bishop!

- Where can I see the [unfortunate]? - The Middle English library's not in use, my lord.

Very well, then perhaps you'll show the professor a way.

- Yes, my lord. - Please show Mr Smallwood to the Middle English library.

Erm, would you come this way, please?

Sit down, Mr Smallwood... There... Make yourself comfortable.

- My name's Rockeby. Your bishop has asked me to have a few words with you.

The Bishop? I didn't realize that he knew about my case?

- [Well, of course he does know. Well, he naturally does.] - Oh, that's splendid!

And I suppose he'll put everything right.

Yes, yes, the Bishop will put everything right, yes.

- Now, let me see. You are the vicar of Orbiston Parva? - No, no... no, but I should be.

You should be? But you don't think you are?

- Well, unfortunately, I know that I am not. - Most interesting.

What would you say if I were telling you that everyone thinks that you are in fact... the vicar of the... Orbiston Parva.

- You mean: They think I ought to be?

Well, as to that: they behave [as if you are] or they do not?

But what is saddening that I would be if it wasn't this other fellow.

- What other fellow? - Well, this other Smallwood.

Ah!... So there is another Smallwood?

- But of course! - I see, I... I see that.

Well, well, we are... we are getting here somewhere.

- Tell me about this other Smallwood. - But I've never actually seen him.

- But he is there, all right. - All the time?

But of course! He's been there quite a while.

What are your feelings about this other Smallwood?

- [I don't mind to tell you that at times] they are pretty unchristian! - Really?

I'm ashamed to admit this really... but at times I feel positively violent towards him.

- Tell me, have you ever thought about undergoing treatment, Mr Smallwood? - Treatment?... Whatever for?

Well, to get rid of this other Smallwood, forever.

- You would like it happen, wouldn't you? - Of course I would.

- But you said the bishop will take care of that, right? - Oh yes, of course, of course...

- The bishop will put that right. - [Well, I really don't see how much can I gain from treatment.]

If you'll be kind enough to wait here? I'll go and have a word in the episcopal ear.

Let me out!

The classic case, I'm afraid... schizophrenia.

Fantasy and reality all mixed up.

Hallucinations, paranoia.

Poor chap. And is here... I mean would you say he might be violent?

Let me put it this way:... His frustrations so dangerous and repressed...

- It is like a time bomb: may go off at any moment! - Bless my soul!

My advice is to persuade him to have treatment as soon as possible, yes!...

Let me know where you'll send him and I'll have a word with them.

- Where is he now? - He is still in the library.

As a precaution... locking the door.

- [Now I must be back to town.] - We're most grateful to you. - Not at all! It's an interesting case!

The fellow actually sees a complete projection of himself, right down to his clerical vestment. Most interesting! Goodbye, Bishop. Goodbye.

- Seems worse than I feared, my lord. - Yes, I mean...

Particularly for you, Aspinall, having knowing the family so well. I'm most grateful to you.

- [In addition, of course, it means the vicar's seat at Orbiston Parva is vacant again.] - Right.

The man I thought you may want to consider, my lord, is the young cleric in charge of Framley Park.

I had my eye on him for quite a while.

- Right type. Well balanced. - Good, good. I will see him sometime.

Excuse me. Do you know if the bishop is free now?

- Yes, yes, he's free. As any other. - Is it all right to go there? - Oh, why not? I should if I were you. - Right.

But what first give you the idea the man was... how to say... a trifle touched?

- Something about him, you know, looked like he's mentally affected: always seemed to enjoy, my lord. - Yes. - His air of quite unjustified [fullness of] happiness.

Am I intruding?

- I thought perhaps you'd like to see me now. - Who are you?

- Smallwood, my lord. - Almighty preserve us!

- What do you want here? - You've sent for me, my lord. - Oh please, don't come in here. - Try make the door.

Is this some sort of a joke?

Yes, we tried, Smallwood. Just playing a little joke on you.

- [Well, I wish you'd let me in too in all it.] - Tell me Smallwood. How did you get out?

- Get out of where? - Of the library... where you were locked in.

Let me out!... I demand to see the bishop!

- But I keep telling you, Bishop: [I've been waiting in the hall all the time in order to see you.] - This is a trick, my lord. But your name is Smallwood, isn't it?

- Excuse me, my lord! There's been a terrible mistake! - Stand there! - No, my lord.

- Rockeby saw the wrong man! - He what? - Our friend here.

- Who are you? - This is absurd, my lord.

- This is the young cleric from Framley Park that I was just telling you about. - What's he doing here? - I don't know, my lord.

I called in to see the archdeacon and found myself interviewed by somebody called Rockeby...

who claimed to be seeing me on your behalf and then locked me in the library.

He's clearly demented, my lord.

- What professor Rockeby said that you are... - Obviously a misunderstanding, my lord. I have every confidence in this young man.

What you said you have every confidence in Rockeby!

I don't know what's coming with you, Aspinall!

I would suggest you took a holiday, but to the effect you've just come back from one!

- Fellowes, take this young man away. - But my lord, I have already suffered from one mistake.

- Now I find I am the victim of another. - Yes, yes, indeed.

It really is the most upsetting. Most!

Eh, if you like I can go too, my lord. Perhaps you'd prefer to see me on another day.

- Yes, yes, very thoughtful of you, Smallwood. - Oh, you know, I understand where it is.

- [Safe lot:] give us a ring or drop us a line or something. - Yes, yes, by all means, yes. - Now then, well, good day, my lord.

Goodbye, Archdeacon.

Next time we meet perhaps you'd like to explain that joke to me. I'm afraid I didn't get it.

- No, don't go, Aspinall. In this situation I think we should pray together. - Very well, my lord.

Don't you do that!

...six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. Eleven quid. Not bad.

All right, son, you can keep that.

- We're working up quite nicely to do connection over there in Bursley. - It's more than two hours on a bus again.

All right, all right, you already have your inconvenience money.

Now nick in there quick before Smallwood gets back.

- Well, go on then, they'll be shouting for you. - What for? - What for?

[Do you think we made you to be christened and stay ignorant?] That's your Bible class night. Hop it!

And Moses said: "I only got to leave you people for a moment while I do important business with the Lord and what happened?"

"I come down off that mountain and what do I find?"

"You gone mad or something... Gyreing around... And gambling..."

"And painting yourselves like black... like you never been told nothing before!"

"I am just about disgusted with you!"

"You ain't fit to know promised land. That's for sure and certain!"

- Matthew, you're making them into good Christians, are you? - I don't know, Reverend.

- Am I? - Yes! - Good, we will see then.

What is the outward and visible sign of baptism?

- Water! - Well done. Very good.

Now, the three in one in whose name...

- You're late, Jack. - I had to do something for my dad. - I see.

Well, we're just having a few questions.

- Can you tell me what we mean by "The three in one"? - Tranquilax, mister.

No, Jack! That is not the answer! Sit down, boy! Does anybody else know?

- Yes, Percy? - Father, Son and the Holy Ghost.

Good! Now we're getting somewhere!

Oh Simpson, I just go to bed now.

- You'll see they are properly fed, won't you? - Yes, my lady. - And when they have eaten make it quite sure that bed is done comfortably. - Very good, my lady.

- You'll be taking the soup, sir? - Yeah!

Welcome to Holy Trinity church.

Good morning to you.

Good morning. Welcome to Holy Trinity.

Loiter, lads. All temptations on the table.

- You know what will happen to you if you go on reading this stuff, Sidney? - No, mister.

Well, your voice will break and you won't be able to go on with the choir anymore.

Reverend, if you'd just seen about there.

They are packed tight together like seeds in a melon!

Well Matthew, let's hope they are here for the right reasons.

I'm telling you Harry! Living in the respectable place like this: real vicar, chance in a lifetime!

- Oh, I do it too well. - Yeah! When I've got your letter, I could not believe my eyes!

Neither could the chief's groom.

"181" he says. Who is this writing to you from the vicarage?

- [Old bastard he was when I think about it.] - Yeah! Of course...

With the address like this, sure, you can work anything.

Begging letters [to rich.] You know this sort of thing: distressed clergyman Reverend Harry Smith... [You wanna wake up, what...]

You know, we are not all got a literary gift like you got,

[and I told you I'm not just some jailbird neither.]

[I had not, you know, a chow like this for two years!]

- What's this geezer's name? - Smallwood.

Smallwood? What's he look like?

Oh, he's all right. Nothing stunning about him, except his hair. And he a proper case is: loves everybody.

- [Think about going to the church.] [Have a look at this geezer.] - What for?

- I've got an idea: may know him.

If I go... I haven't been here this morning. Got it?

[Now I have to play my cards to be craft.]

And don't let us kid ourselves. We won't find a substitute for God.

Quite a few people think they have, but they haven't, you know.

Nothing else works because nothing else lasts.

[Of course, you can get your kicks, but it will cost you after that a pretty penny.]

I mean your daft youngster in a leather jacket, doing his [toon on a bypass].

He gets his kick... but he probably will end up in a hospital.

A bottle of whiskey will give you kick... like a mule...

if you don't mind a hangover in the morning.

Your fornicator... He gets his moments of pleasure... but by golly...

He has his hours of remorse. No!...

There are no substitutes!

No matter what they say, what you hear or what you read...

"Life not worth living?" You've all seen these patterns on the hoardings.

"Then try Tranquilax, the 3 in 1 restorative".

Can you believe it?

Twopenny for the peace that surpasses all understanding! (Philippians 4:7)

in tablet form at 2.10 for a bottle.

Worthless! Absolutely worthless!

Of course life is worth living. But with God! And only with God!

There are no substitutes for the three in one. And I mean the real three in one: the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Number 181 (hymn): "We know thee who thou art".

- Come again, ladies. - [He's really charming, Sam.]

- Good afternoon, gentlemen. - Most unusual! - I admire him. He speaks his mind. Doesn't care who he offends.

As I was saying, I really dig him. I understand what he's talking about. He's with it!

- Come on. - Nothing bad again. - Look what he's done here! Oh, I think he is a wonderful man.

- I was saying to my hubby last night. When I'll get away [from rat race, I'll see him, I will...] - Wonderful sermon, quite wonderful.

- Good morning, vicar. - Morning, morning. - Hey gov...

Padre.

- Remember me? - Of course, you are 181, aren't you?

- Yeah, correct. - [Full, I hold.]

- Eh, Lesley, take this to the vicarage [on your way home, I shan't be long.] - Yes, vicar.

It's been on on my conscience, what I've done to you.

Well you certainly make me look a bit silly.

I kept say to myself: "As soon as I get out of this place I'm gonna find that padre. I'm gonna ask his forgiveness... so that I can start from a clean sheet."

It's all right, doesn't matter. I don't hold against you any grudge.

You see, it was a real temptation to get out of that place. Get back to wife and kids, but...

I was wrong... I can see that now.

- So these little talks we had were not altogether a waste? - Oh no, gov, no!

I always remember the things you used to... preach, I mean.

[In any case...] That's all! My conscience is clear now!

I say!

- Do you need any help? - You just have helped me, thanks gov.

Now I can start looking for the wife and kids with the light heart.

- Where are they? - Funny, they was... they was living right here.

Roughing in the field under the Tranquilax factory. But then they moved.

- By the factory? What's your name? - Smith. Fred Smith.

- You must be Winnie's husband. - That's right.

- But how did you know? - Well, I'm glad.

Here, well, Fred, you better come along with me.

I've got a nice little surprise for you... Well, well, well...

- Twist. Twist again. - Passed.

- Ah, Sir Geoffrey, thank goodness, you are back! - Who the hell are all these people, Simpson? - Your mother's guests. - Guests?

- Where is she? In the dining room? - She's gone to church, Sir Geoffrey.

- What? On Monday? - Baptism.

Good God! Seems that she's already been baptized once!

- By the Bishop of Fulham. In the Guards Chapel, Wellington Barracks. - Oh, she is not a candidate herself, sir.

But the vicar wanted her there. And whatever he wants he gets.

Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works, the vain pomp and glory of the world, with all the covetous desires of the same, and the sinful desires of the flesh, so that thou wilt not follow, nor be led by them? (The Ministration of Holy Baptism)

- I renounce them all. - I renounce them all. - I renounce them all. - I renounce them all. - I renounce them too.

- All. - All. - I renounce them all.

[Take care, see to that you'll not get baptized all over again.]

- You stop scoffing tarts, I'd like you two. You'll be asick in stokes (stomach). - Connie, I tell you: eat some bread and butter for a change.

- Can we have more jam on it, mister? - Yes, you can today. I'll see to that.

Argh! Wipe up her face, Harry, I tell you!

I should set this on the baby if I was you, my lady.

[until now it has been a terrible wetter.]

- Be a good chap, Fred, see who's there at the door, would you? - Certainly, vicar.

- Oh, belt up! - [Jenny,] what's the matter with you?

Oh, she is, she's crying because she feels no different after that baptizing. She thinks she ought to.

- I am told my mother is here, Lady Despard. - Oh yeah. - I'd like to see her right away.

Well, you better come in and join us. We've been at a celebration.

Yes, I dare say. You've got something to celebrate. I haven't.

- I want to speak to her now. Alone. - Oh yeah.

Well, please come in here.

- THE Home! - Geoffrey, what a wonderful surprise.

- But why are you here? Is there something wrong? - Wrong? I'll say there's something wrong!

- What is it? The dogs? One of the dogs? - No, mother! Not one of the dogs! It is this lunatic in a dog's collar Smallwood! Do you realize what he's doing to you and to everybody?

- Have a piece of cake, vicar! - No, [thank you,] we are doing very nice. - Here, you finish that.

I say, vicar, I think it's been a lovely afternoon.

- [A lovely, yes.] - When standing [all together], then the water flow down frisk. - But that's only the beginning, don't forget.

Yes, that's what I've been thinking of. Suppose your next job you would to do is get me and Harry married.

- You mean you're not married? - No.

- What, eh?... Not at all? - Not at all!

Somehow we never had the time.

But you don't understand, Geoffrey.

I understand all. But you damn nearly ruined me, your own son.

You're ruining yourself and in no time at all you'll have nothing left to give that damned parson!

It's got to stop, mother, before it's too late!

- Fred, do you think Sir Geoffrey can do with some refreshment? - Definitely, vicar. Definitely. - I better take him some.

- Get out of here. Harry, we've got now to make plans quick. - Why? What's up?

I wonder if this was too good to last a night.

All right, mother, all right! You buy your seat in heaven if you want to.

- But you must not expect me and everybody else to pay for it! - Yes, but that's very cruel of you. I don't know what your father would think! - Father!

What... But... He didn't give to everybody.

He took from everybody and they loved it.

He knew his place in this town and he kept everybody else in theirs! What he did not do was to go around sucking up to the Almighty.

- Ah! - [Sorry to bother you. I thought you might like to have a cup of tea.]

- You're Smallwood, I suppose? - Yes, that's right, how are you? Could it be that we met before? - Yes, it is.

Do you realize what you are doing in this place?

- I realize what I'm trying to do. - I don't think you do!

[As a result of your game] my mother will soon be a pauper.

- I'd say your mother is richer [in reality] than she's ever been. - Richer?

Which is being fleeced be every no good scoundrel in the district including these worthless that might be brought in here.

- No human being is worthless, Sir Geoffrey, you should know that. - That dirty idle thieving bunch.

What do you suppose they are thinking of all this?

- They are laughing at you, both of you, making rude signs behind your backs. - Well, I know that. - You know it? - Yes I know that.

They are no saints and I don't expect them to be.

[They were pretty ruffled all their lives. They could not suddenly spread wings overnight.]

- It's simply a matter of faith. - Faith! - Yes, faith in people.

- You know, I can't make my mind if you are a rogue or just a fool! - Geoffrey, you really have no right to talk in this way!

- Look, all we try to do, your mother and me: is to teach by example. - Rubbish!

The first thing to teach them is to render unto Caesar that what is Caesar's.

Yes, and unto God what? The Smith family, perhaps?

- [With a bit of luck we might have money with that.] - All right. Well, if you do, you'll be in trouble on Judgment Day. - We all gonna have a lot to answer for on that day, Sir Geoffrey. - All right. All right.

You carry on cheating yourself that the church make things stick around here.

I know different: it's my factory that's everybody's "Good neighbour".

Now, if you destroy that, and you damn nearly done so,

they will need all the faith they got, because there will be very little hope and even less charity.

We don't try to destroy things, Sir Geoffrey. We try to build something that lasts!

-That's quite right, Geoffrey. You really must come to church and feel the new spirit in the place.

All right, mother. I can see I am wasting my time. But remember what I told you.

When things start to get tough, just wait and see how long this new spirit lasts.

[...and therefore...] I put the motion - full strike action...

in support of those made redundant by the management of Tranquilax... Those in favour...

All right gentlemen! The resolution is passed unanimously.

We shopkeepers have all lost a hell of a lot of customers of the Smallwood's "Good Neighbour" stunt.

[Now... we'll see what he'll do when he's got a lot.]

Now you've been snatched too, are you, Mrs Gunther?

- What do you think of it, hey? - Rotten old devil.

After all of the money that he took of us too.

- Give it us back! You give it! - Get out of here! Get out! - You keep your fingers off my boy, you!

We've been standing in this queue for the three hours.

I want to help you, lady, but come to see how crowded the hall is.

- If you'll just wait a little... - I haven't got a bit to eat in the house. - That's all right, wait and the Lord will provide.

- Seem to be [crowded[ because of a number of people that have no right be here at all. - You're right, lady.

Half of them are not from C of E.

- Here, you! You Church of England? - What's this got to do with that? - Everything!

- You and your old man have your own chapel. - But what about it? - Well, they are open, missis. Let them look after you. - If anybody thinks he would just come in...

there wouldn't be enough to give around. - Yes! - Get out of here!

Damn cheek! Next thing will be that the blasted Jews will turn up here.

Hey, you! Are not you baptist?

Cyril, if you foreclose I am ruined.

- I am sorry about that, but business is business. - Look man! - If you took the risk...

The Despard and I have the gentlemen's agreement.

Harold... in business there are no gentlemen... Sorry!

I don't mind cooking for ladies and gentlemen but not to this scum. I've had enough!

- If you ask me, the old [goat] goes right under like a bloody bank. - She hasn't the chipsies, right, that I am concerned...

- [What are we going to do now,] without any staff? - Well, personally, my lady, I'm going to watch and pray.

Watch the silver.

- Pray these guests of yours push off as soon as possible. - So you agree with Sir Geoffrey. I am being a thoughtless old woman? - Oh, I'm not in a position to judge you, my lady.

But it can't be wrong, Simpson! It's all there in the Bible, chapter and verse. Mr Smallwood has shown me that.

I remember Sir George used to say:

"Whenever you hears the Bible quoted, look out cos it's most likely the devil itself".

- So you say Sir George is against me too? - I'm sure he is, my lady.

And if he has not [changed] a great deal,

I'd say he's moving heaven and earth right now to send you a sign.

Excuse me now my lady. I've got to go and do the dining room. [It's a mess.]

Did I hear you call, my lady?

I knew it!... I knew it all!

Harry, you know, we've got a gold mine here.

This lot worth a few nicker [anywhere.]

[Here, what if there'll be a piss of a rain before we get it away?]

You know, them boards is as sound as a bell and they'll make for weeks.

Anyway, [let's] get Smallwood to pray for fine weather.

Please disperse immediately. There will be no free distribution today!

Will you please disperse immediately. There will be no free distribution today!

Get this! Get out of here, black bastard!

Reverend!

Quick! We must get out of this town. Something's gone awfully wrong, somewhere! We're in here in trouble!

- What's the matter, Matthew?

- That's about a whole town, waiting outside that hall. And we got nothing to give them! Nothing's arrived!

- Nothing's arrived? - Not a thing! And they just went screaming mad on me. I tell you Reverend, I'm scared.

You calm down, Matthew. There is nothing to be scared of.

Everybody knows I am the vicar's warden, don't they?

I didn't ask to be. You named me.

You're right, Matthew! [I admit it.]

I know what you try to do is right, Reverend, but this is not the place for it.

I'm getting out and if you got any sense, Reverend, you'll get out too.

No Matthew, I can't!

I'm sorry, Reverend.

Shut it up, will you?

- Oh, morning, Mr Simpson. Is Lady Despard in? - Yes.

- Well, could I see her, please? And it's rather urgent. - No, I'm afraid you can't!

- Why? She's... unwell? - She was. Will you shut up!

She's over it now, though...

but she is still in quarantine and we don't want to risk her getting infected again, you see.

Well, I'm blowed. [I saw her only a couple days ago. I had no idea.]

- She's all right now, is she? - Oh yes, [she is feeling quite herself again, I'd say.]

- Well, I'm relieved to hear that. - No more, no more than we are.

Well, perhaps you can tell me what's happened to the supplies for the church hall. Anywhere, we have not received them yet.

No, you won't be receiving them either.

She is finished with that [craziness]. She is finished with you as well.

A bit late in a day perhaps, but she is seeing the light at last, thank God!

What do you want be coming here for, upsetting people?

Wearing a cloth you would be ashamed yourself, pretty near ruining the old lady and everybody else.

Take me for example. That the few shares in Tranquilax for my old age. Worthless now they are, thanks to you!

- That's a fine reward after 40 years of service? - I'm in service too, you know, Simpson. - Fine pretty service you've done to people!

- Simpson! - It's him, my lady. - Well, I can't see him. I can't possibly see him.

Now I'm going to give you two bits of the Bible.

Matthew 27:5: "...and he went and he hanged himself."

Luke 10:27: "Go and do thou likewise." (Luke 10:37 actually)

Last supper is now being served. Take the seats, gentlemen, for the last supper.

The situation, Prime Minister, is increasingly grave and of course the press is in full cry after us.

The danger here, Prime Minister, is that Orbiston Parva is a [parvilodgial] constituency.

The place is virtually shut down, unemployment 60%. That only can mean one thing, Prime Minister,

Those damned idiots will be voting Liberal at the next election.

[No, no, it's very quiet with this party.]

But the Church is in this and it makes it difficult.

God knows, we must keep religion out of politics.

Obviously we have to do something...

[but it's absolutely vital that all it will appear like we do nothing.]

- The first thing is for Sir Geoffrey's to get his factory running again. - Yes, but how?

My business is crippled. The name Tranquilax stinks.

My lad, check. What's in a name? Change it!

We've been doing it for years, when necessary.

Tories, Unionists, Nationalists, Conservatives... same product, same customers!

- Where I'll get the money, Prime Minister? - The City has lost confidence. - Oh, the City always is with the government.

- Well, if perhaps the Treasury might... - No, No. No, we can't do that, no.

[I believe we can make headway with Canterbury about this. By the God Minister ways. Why is not His Grace with us today?]

- You sure remember, Prime Minister, he is visiting the Pope. - Oh, not again. I'm sorry.

But I do know His Grace feels that the Church has a responsibility in this situation.

And by his suggestion I have brought... two friends here.

- They represent the Church comission [on this issue]. - Aha!

- We are prepared to use our investment funds to refinance Tranquilax, provided that the name is changed.

Splendid! Now we're getting somewhere.

- I'll have to be conditional of course on Smallwood being removed. - Of course, of course. That is up to you, God Minister.

And we don't want him spreading his pie in the sky ideas somewhere else, either.

That puts me in a great difficulty, Prime Minister.

We all are in a great difficulty, no one of us can move a finger until the Church has found a solution!

- You'll find him a nice quiet parish where he can do no harm. - But...

But where we can we send him? How do I persuade him to go?

[My dear Lord Bishop, I should have thought that with your authority you are well placed to get the best possible guidance.]

Good morning, my lord. Good morning, my lord.

Well, Aspinall, you have any, eh...?

- And you, Fellowes? - No, my lord.

And you, my lord?

- [What is doing this toy in here?] - OK, you have the free gift, my lord, out of this cereal packet. - What is it?

- Well I... I think it is the model of the space ship, my lord.

[I don't know what they will think of after that...]

God moves in the mysterious way indeed... (Christian hymn, written in 1773 by William Cowper from England.)

I really must have reinforcements.

Every sect and faction in the town is ready to tear at each other's throats.

And all because of this ruddy parson.

Belt up!

As you go.

It's as heavy as lead.

Better get the tarpaulin. Cover down, quick.

Hurry up you two! They are waiting.

51, 52, 53...

I've been and ran the front rooms. There's nothing worth nicking.

- How about with the church, I say? - [We had that blooming roof.] - Give us it here.

Well, hurry up with that thing now. I want to get out of this place before Smallwood gets back.

- Is that lead loaded? - Yes, they are waiting. If you ask me, we're getting out just in the right time!

Get away, yes! Give away, no! Get away, yes! Give away, no!

- But inspector, I must go out and talk to them! - I say this is what I can't allow. I have no enought men here. - I could explain to them. Try to make them understand, you see.

We want jobs, not "Good Neighbours"!

You bloody Protestants started all this!

You shut up with this or we'll do you and your Pope!

- I don't mind that they're going for me. As long as they stop to get after each other. - You're wasting your time, Mr Smallwood! - Am I?

[What's he up to? After him!]

Let's see [what you have to tell us now], Smallwood!

[How dare you to show up in this place!]

- What have you got to save yourself now, Smallwood? - Devil! - [Gonna tell us the same old story, mate?]

Get out of here, Smallwood!

I came down here... to Orbiston Parva...

because... I wanted to serve.

Well... it looks I as have failed!

- You failed, all right! - [How dare you show your face around here?]

What do you want... I can't give.

And what... you need... you don't want.

We don't want you!

Well, I'm... sorry.

So you devil you should be!

- [I don't believe in your tin shop!] - Come on and let's get him!

Right, get him out... Better carry him in.

- Come off. - Let's give your hand. - I am all right. Thank you very much.

- Shall I call a doctor to you? - No, thanks very much, no. I'm all right.

Sorry, we had to throw you with the rubbish, Mr Smallwood.

It was the only chance for you to get out of there alive.

[Ah, that's the garbage truck I've used once before.]

Right-o! If you're sure you're all right.

- Only we've got to get back and disperse that crowd. - Oh, fine. Thank you very much.

Sorry, you lads got knocked about.

- Hello Archdeacon. - Good afternoon, Smallwood.

I... I am sorry that this is eh... frayed up.

It had been a bit of a mess.

May I introduce? Sir Clive Harvey Jenkins. He's one of the prime minister's advisers.

- And my good friend... Archdeacon Goodbody from Lambeth Palace. - How do you do?

We are most anxious to talk to you, Smallwood. We bring you glad tidings.

...and during this announcement the Archbishop said:

"The Church's most earnest endeavor must be to carry the word to wherever there may be ears to hear it... No matter how far they may be."

We need, he added, for a diocese of this nature, a man fit, able and willing to travel.

And now we are to our Scottish studio for the filmed report.

The seat of the new diocese at any rate for the time being

will embrace the three subarctic islands of the North Atlantic: Cragga, Oyst and Ultima Thule.

Formally uninhabited, this latter island has recently achieved fame as the launching ground for Britain's space probes and satellites.

Apart from the few sheep, the new bishop's flock will comprise the scientists, technicians and astronauts of the Scientific Centre.

Project Parabola... Zero minus one hour, fifteen minutes.... [now.]

Gentlemen please...

Director General's apologies, but the bishop will not be holding the religious ceremony at the launching pad after all.

- What do you mean? No blessing? - No blessing.

But why? What did he say?

[Well, using his own words,] he said: "Tell the Director General the idea's daft."

- That his job is to bless people and not the heap of machinery. - And then what is his job? What else is he here for?

Hardly any of us here are traditional believers...

except one or two [to them deliver grace]. - Sir, I agree sir, but I could not very well tell him that.

But he do think he might bless the old rocket occasionally.

I mean, the press chains like that sort of picture.

Project Parabola. Zero minus one hour, ten minutes... [now.]

Now tell me, Professor.

Is this rocket of yours really can get up of it's arse this time?

My dear fellow, everything has been checked and rechecked: instruments, fuel, the astronaut himself!

Well, you better be right.

This little circus is costing to British taxpayer three million a day!

Don't you worry, my dear fellow. Nothing can go wrong this time.

- Well, I [decided] to pop in. See if there is anything I can do for you. - Thanks.

- But there really isn't any. - Well, I can pray for you. You know, at least I can do that.

Excuse me for saying so sir, but... you don't seem a bit like a bishop.

I don't feel like one, really. To that measure, I've never particularly wanted to be one.

I'll tell you something, Bishop. Right now I don't particularly wanna be an astronaut.

In fact, the thought of [what can fail] scares me stiff.

Well you see, in my job...

I'd been most scared at not having a chance to fail.

So, I suppose, you might say that... I've been a failure all my life!

[But it turned out that] the Almighty has always given me another chance.

In this job there is no second chance!

Now, the most critical moment after takeoff will be when the rocket reaches its prescribed orbital height.

and it is then that the astronaut for the first time will play a part in the proceedings,

by firing the device which separates the capsule from the parent rocket. And he will then go into orbit.

Could you tell us sir, what will be done is something goes wrong in the firing device up there?

Yes, there'll be some firing done here.

I suppose I fell for the glamour of that all.

You know - doing something for England, shaking hands with the duke. That sort of things. Oh, I was a fool!

- I'm sorry, Bishop. I'm embarassing you. - You're not, son. I was a prison chaplain, you know.

Then you've been with the condemned also before. What did you tell them?

- Same as I've been telling you. - That does not help very much, Bishop.

That's the trouble with Church people.

Their fingers point to the heavens above, but then they make damn sure they keep their feet firmly on this earth. They are in no hurry to go.

Project Parabola. Zero minus 45 minutes... Now.

- Everything is going OK, Cliff. We'll be taking you across in ten minutes. OK? - Fine.

Any moment now the astronaut will be gotten across to the launch set which is standing somewhat two miles from where I sit.

... [and if there was no some hitch,] the star player should be arriving on the field in any moment.

We are all immensely excited here.

Yes, yes, here he comes!

Astronaut Lieutenant Clifford Street, riding over in his jeep, an American jeep I might add, to start his momentous journey in the space.

Project Parabola. Zero minus 12 minutes... Now.

The tension here, the quiet, can only be compared with the atmosphere of the test match moments,

with England facing odds and batting on the sticky wicket.

The astronaut is now inside the chamber,

The rocket stands mute and motionless, a vast metallic finger, pointing remorselessly towards the new age.

It's a cold bleak Sunday morning here. It is perhaps a comforting thought that back in Britain there are millions of people in churches and homes offering prayers for the safety of the man inside the capsule.

- Can't you stop that bleeding ironing? - I'm glad we've got the tele back for this.

Incidentally, the astronaut's last half hour was spent in private with with the new bishop designated for outer space.

No doubt he received His Lordship's blessing.

49, 48, 47, 46, 45, 44, 43, 42, 41, 40, 39, 38...

- It better be right this time. - It will be, my dear fellow... It will be.

33, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.

Holy smoke!

Ultima control to capsule. Please report your condition.

Ultima control to capsule. Can you hear me?... Can you hear me?

This is Ultima control, Cliff. Can you hear me?

Jesus, lover of my soul, Let me to Thy bosom fly,... (Text: Charles Wesley, 1707–1788 Music: Joseph P. Holbrook, 1822–1888)

Oh my...! Stop playing a fool, Cliff. We want to know how you are.

- Heavens above! Do you think he's gone off his head? - Maybe! But voice does not even sound like him.

- Hide me, O my Savior, hide, Till the storm of life is past... - Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Safe into the haven guide; Oh, receive my soul at last. Other refuge have I none; Hangs my helpless soul on thee. Leave, oh, leave me not alone;...

Angels, in the height adore him; Ye behold him face to face. Saints triumphant, bow before him, Gather'd in from every race. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo), Oct 20, 2020. (Leningrad (USSR)-Gush Dan (Israel)). Editing program: "Subtitle Edit" on Linux.