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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(YELLING)

(CHILDREN COMPLAINING)

BOY: We're trying to play football here, mate.

(YELLING) My Lord, the green is ready.

Prince of Bowls

is on the green.

MAN 1: Good morning, Mr. Speight.

MAN 2: Morning. WOMAN 1: Morning, Mr. Speight.

MAN 3: Morning, Ray.

May I?

You're rushing the release.

In bowls, the key is composure.

Ho-ho-ho. Yeah!

There you go, just for Daddy.

MUTLEY: Oh, my Lord.

(APPLAUSE)

Is it on the condom?

It is on the condom.

Come on!

The jack. Your wood. My wood.

If mine finishes closer to the jack than yours, I score one shot.

Simplicity itself.

And bowls, Bridget, is all about simplicity.

The three A's.

Approach,

assess,

aim.

The three B's. Bend,

balance,

breathe.

Finally, the three T's.

Target,

tempo...

-CLIFF: Tosser! -(LOUD LAUGHTER)

Who said that?

-(SNIGGERING) -Saluting a fellow sportsman.

Brothers...

Of the black ball.

I mean, my God, I mean, my God. The embarrassment!

We'll never hear the last of it.

That, sir, that's a great shot, that's a beauty!

-(GAGGING) -(EXHALES)

People know we're related, you know.

I know. I do wish you'd stop going in that club.

No, I mean for me it's embarrassing.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Here, that's the owner. Listen, you did finish that bedroom, didn't you?

Before you went bowling?

Yeah.

Is this the point where we ripped it and you said, "Let's go play fucking bowls"?

Watch and learn, mate, watch and learn. Come over here.

Trick of the trade, right. If you ever tear the paper...

Yeah, you cut out little bits of the pattern...

And stick it on the join.

(GIGGLING) See?

Do you not think there's other things

she's gonna be worrying about at this point?

Like why it's all evenly-spaced up here,

and down here it looks like the fucking Milky Way?

MUTLEY: And here in the bedroom we're...

CLIFF: Coming along nicely here, Granddad,

coming along nicely. All right, my love?

All right, love. Done something a little bit special for you

over here, if you'd like to have a look.

I took the liberty of doing a little bit of research,

and I discovered the exact position of the stars on the night you were born.

Now, what we've got here is the constellation

of Ormelius, the Long Straight Snake.

Now, the Chinese believe this will have governed your career

all these years later as a, uh...

Professor of Astronomy at Exeter University.

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

Bollocks.

You know, I don't understand how somebody who can place a wood

perfectly 30 yards away can't even hang a piece of wallpaper.

Well, it's a different skill, innit, Granddad. Wallpaper, it's...

Oh, stop it.

Requires a completely different set of skills. Oi, oi.

What are you doing? I do the heavy stuff.

Yeah, Granddad, he looks after the wallpapering,

and I look after Granddad. Deal?

Deal.

-You're a little terror, you know that? -Oi, rich from you.

Okay. The first thing is your emergency stop, Bridget.

When I tap the dashboard, I want you to stop

as though a child had run out into the road.

There he is. The ball's bounced out now.

Out he runs, and one, two, three...

(BRAKES CRUNCH)

Good.

Right. Emergency stop.

When I hit the dashboard, I want you to react as though a child had run out...

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Hey, that's not fair.

Yes, well, that's what a young mother with a pram would now be saying.

Back to the test center.

CLIFF: Of course, you know why he failed you, don't you?

TREVOR: Emergency stop. CLIFF: Wrong side of the tracks, mate.

And Ray Speight, he does not pass people from the Links Estate.

-Simple as that. -TREVOR: I can always resit it.

And what we should do is rise above that kind of behavior, yeah.

For example, we should absolutely not take the piss out of them posh schoolgirls.

TREVOR: I absolutely agree.

CLIFF: I can't resist it.

Afternoon, ladies, my name's Cliff Starkey.

I am Torquay's first sexual theme park.

And this here is the Barry White of St. Helens.

The slug of love.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

Keep off the road, Charlotte.

ANNOUNCER 1: Tonight, on Sportsweb Channel 15.

ANNOUNCER 2: The wizards of Oz. ANNOUNCER 1: Kyle and Mark Doohan.

ANNOUNCER 2: Great balls of fire.

ANNOUNCER 1: The bowling brothers who laid waste to South Africa,

New Zealand and Canada in the Kyalami Lawn Classic.

ANNOUNCER 2: Tonight, will America fall?

From Saratoga, it's Australia versus America.

Hollywood Bowl.

ANNOUNCER 1: 8:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, 10:00 p.m. Central...

(FOOTBALL COMMENTARY)

(MEN HOLLERING)

Now, football's a team game, yeah. Great.

But with bowls, you're on your own.

It's just your hand, your eye...

And two and a half pounds of pure wood.

The reason it's so simple

is the reason it's so magical.

Have you seen this? "The world of bowls cannot now provide

"any serious competition for the Doohan brothers."

I envy you. I do, because...

Well, you don't know what it feels like. That first time.

Annihilators of every bowling nation under the sun.

The first time you see your wood 20 meters away.

And suddenly it just starts to swing in.

And you know it was you that made that happen.

I tell you, it's the most perfect feeling in the world.

It's the most unbelievable...

-BOY: Hey, Barry, over here, come on. -Feeling.

Systematically laying waste to all of the world's greatest players.

Yeah, well, except for one, mate.

Hello, Mister Cocky, back out of the box?

Yeah, see, you're just pretending you don't know how good I am.

So how come you only ever play me, who's so, uh, what's the word...

Crap.

Well, 'cause out of principle I refuse to go into

the Royal Torquay Bowls Club. You know that.

Plus the fact the bloody Doohans live in Australia, so...

Except for this summer, when they're coming to England.

-(MEN LAUGHING) -Afternoon, Giles.

Afternoon, Derek. Afternoon, Hugh.

-Afternoon, Mutley. -(EXCLAIMS)

Welcome to Torquay Oxfam. Do you have any trousers you'd like to donate?

We're particularly interested in ones with arses the size of parachutes,

that smell of mints and wee.

Yeah, would you put 'em back on the bloody pegs?

Right then, Davis.

How do I get picked for England?

-What? -So I can have a go at the Aussies.

By being champion of your county.

Right. Off we go then.

(GIGGLING) You sexy mother.

-Couple of minutes. -Righto, fine.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You're playing Alan Booth. He's ranked 16 in Devon,

but he's on his way up the ladder.

He's young, he's hungry, and he's dangerous.

All right?

When this is over, I just wanna run through the meaning

-of the words "young" and "dangerous." -We're good.

-Nice woods. -Mmm. Canadian Maple.

-Hence the case. -Huh. English plastic.

Hence the ASDA bag. Ha!

HUGH: That were a good length, Alan. Good length.

Come on, how about some support for me then?

TREVOR: Nice slacks.

Oh, no, now don't start that.

Great shot.

Fightback begins, yeah.

You're flying now, mate.

Sugar!

-You what, my love? -From the donut.

On the green.

It's all right, I use my left hand.

In fact, not only that, Alan.

I will concede the entire match if, having struck the jack,

my bowl does not end up on this Rizla paper.

-What? -Ah, don't worry, he does it every night.

Blindfolded!

-That's a new one. -Oh, my...

Oh, mama.

Ah.

(WHISTLING)

(PAPER CRACKLING)

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHING)

Slacks! Slacks on, Starkey, slacks on.

Not only that, Ray, he's been flicking it up and doing all...

-He's been throwing it up in the air. -With his feet, Ray.

-It's all right, Alan. -Alan. Ray.

I'm feeling a little bit left out here, I can't quite work out what...

-He's been eating donuts too, Ray. -All right, Hugh. Listen, Starkey.

Oh, that's what it is, something to do with first and last names.

Have you been picking the ball up with your feet?

I don't think there's anything in the rulebook

about which limb you have to pick up your bowl with, is there, Ray?

That's largely because the rulebook never envisaged

people like you playing bowls.

And what kind of people am I then, Ray?

Get off the grass, Starkey.

I will, Speight.

As soon as I'm county champion. All right? (CLICKS TONGUE)

Game, Starkey.

Starkey wins.

Reg Boyt, ladies and gentlemen, Reg Boyt.

Let's hear it for Reg.

A fine eye, a steady hand,

and possibly the only bowls player in Britain

to still be a working pornstar.

-How about that, eh? -What did he say?

What, you've never seen Reg Does Paignton?

Did he say "porn"?

It was the follow-up to, uh, Open Your Legs, I Need My Teeth Back.

Wasn't it, Reg?

Seventeen-nil. Starkey.

-Hard luck, mate. -But it hasn't stopped yet.

-Don't you be a bad loser. -The ball hasn't stopped moving yet.

Christ's sake.

Right, if you just hang on a second there...

Right, your ball's gonna hit my front ball sending the jack through the gate,

off your left ball and onto my back ball.

I'm holding four, 21 nothing, I win, you're buggered, I thank you.

-Ta-da! -That's it, he's done it.

Game, Starkey.

-CLIFF: Yee-haw! -He's in the final.

Come on!

In a moment, I'm going to ask you to do an emergency stop.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

RAY: Yes?

Starkey won.

Damn it.

-(BRAKES SCREECHING) -(THUDDING)

Do you realize, this is the first time in your life you've been quiet

for longer than a minute?

I'm going to play for England, aren't I?

(SCOFFS) You've got to beat Ray Speight in this final first, sunshine.

And, due respect to all them others that you beat and all that,

but they aren't in the same class as Ray Speight.

-(STAMMERS) Is he... He is good. -Oh.

He's the only player I've ever seen who is in your league.

So, how come if he ain't been beaten for 23 years in this county, right,

he's never played for England?

Well. I expect he's got his reasons.

Do you mind picking me up from this council meeting?

I'm making another presentation and, so I might have a little drink afterwards.

No problem.

RAY: I have always felt that a town could be judged

on the decorum, conduct and standards maintained by its swimming pools.

And, therefore, I propose

that, in addition to the notices reading "No diving,"

"No running," "No bombing" and "No petting,"

we now add the sign

"No thongs."

(CHEERS OF APPROVAL)

Yes, once again thanks to Councilor Speight for his vigilance

in the field of municipal signage.

COUNCILORS: Hear, hear.

Also, I'm sure all members will join me in wishing him well

for his record, 24th consecutive

Southern Peninsula bowls title, on Saturday.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

CLIFF: You are so beautiful, do you know that?

So beautiful.

Okay, my little angel.

Here we go. Nice and easy.

Just relax. Enjoy it.

So, this is what Torquay's sexual theme park gets up to, after hours.

So, what's your name then?

-Kerry. -As in the county?

-I'm Cliff. As in... -Richard.

...don't go near the edge of. See, you spoilt that.

Don't worry.

I wouldn't have had you down as a bowls player.

Ah, well you see, that depends on what your definition of a bowls player is.

Right? You see, what is this "bowls player" of which you speak?

You can't define it, you see, and that is because

-you don't... -Yes, I can.

-No, no, no, you can't. -Yes, I can.

It's a 50-year-old with the mental age of 70

who reads the Daily Mail, votes Conservative

and thinks that a "quality shag" is something you put in your pipe.

See, what I'm trying to say, right, if you let me bloody finish, for a moment,

is that there are, in fact, two types of bowlers, yeah?

There's bowlers like me. Bowlers this town don't wanna know about.

Grew up playing on any crappy bit of grass you could find, right,

you have to sneak on ornamental gardens like this, just to get a taste

of that green velvet.

Kerry?

Then there's bloody Nazi twats like him.

Coming, Dad!

Bollocks.

BOWLER: Good day, Giles.

Yes, yes it is. Great day. Absolutely wonderful day.

Good day for hunting.

Fox on the rabbit. (LAUGHING)

Thank you, thank you, Alan.

-(GATE SQUEAKING) -Thank you.

Oh, my word. Kerry, this is a surprise.

(BELL RINGING)

REFEREE: Ladies and gentlemen.

The final of the Southern Peninsula Men's Singles.

From Torquay, Ray Speight.

(APPLAUSE AND SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)

Versus, also from Torquay, Cliff Starkey.

(SUBDUED APPLAUSE)

(FANFARE)

(BRASS BAND PLAYING ROCKY THEME)

(GRUNTING AND PANTING)

Trevor! Trevor!

Trevor!

-Cliffy, I love you! -Sit down.

REFEREE: First end, play.

-CLIFF: Bloody hell, I got a groupie! -Whoo-hoo!

See, that's what I love about older women, right, they get to about 50,

and they're quite happy to let themselves go.

You cheeky sod!

-He's not going to win, is he? Dad? -Shut up.

Good shot.

(GUNFIRE)

(WHOOPING) Come on!

Give us a kiss, then!

-All right, I bloody will then. -(SQUEALS)

Come on!

Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

REFEREE: Championship point.

(IN SPANISH ACCENT) When the bull is wounded,

it is important the end comes quick.

Arriba!

REFEREE: Game and Torquay Championship, Starkey.

(LAUGHING) Yes!

You beauty!

Come on!

There's only one Cliffy Starkey! One Cliffy Starkey!

MUTLEY: Get off the green! Get off!

The winner, and new Southern Peninsula Champion...

Cliff Starkey.

Now I call upon the outgoing champion to present the trophy.

Come on then, Ray. Don't forget the three A's.

"Approach, acknowledge, award."

You ought to melt this down. It's only tin.

But it'll get your granddad a new suit from Oxfam.

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

(YELLING) We're taking home a champion!

You'll have to drive, I've had a couple. Ha!

(CHANTING) We won the cup. We won the cup.

One moment.

"Mr. Speight is..."

"Mr. Speight is a tosser."

What do you understand by the phrase "tosser"?

Well, I am aware that as a bowls player I am de facto a dispatcher of bowls.

However, my past knowledge of Mr. Starkey

would lead me to believe he intended the vernacular sense...

He's gonna say it.

...of "masturbator".

The defacement of a score card is a protocol offense

against point 4A, paragraph two of the UKBC codes and regulations,

carrying an attendant fine of £15.

Sod it.

Here's 20. Keep the change.

And a ban from all competition at the discretion of the injured party.

BOWLING COMMISSIONER: Cliff Starkey is hereby banned

from any national or international competition for 15 years.

BOWLER 1: Hear, hear. BOWLER 2: Jolly good.

BOWLER 3: Well done. BOWLER 4: Quite right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen!

The reinstated and record-breaking

24th-time Southern Peninsula Bowls Champion,

Ray Speight.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Don't you think 15 years is a little excessive?

I mean, Eric Cantona got eight weeks, and he kicked somebody in the head.

It equates, Kerry.

In bowls, 15 years is only a sixth of your career.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Seeing as I won't be needing these anymore,

you can have them.

(GLASSES SMASHING)

No point in running away.

You should have worn a mask.

This ain't funny.

I never said it was.

It's just another example.

An example of what?

The Torquay mafia, you know?

They all come from the same part of town, and in the end they all stick together,

come what may, don't you worry about that.

You did write it.

-What? -Well,

you didn't have to write that on the score card.

You see, that's the exact mentality of your tosspot father.

Whoa. He's still my dad.

Ha! There she goes, exactly the same. Go on, off you go.

Back into ranks! Go on, off you go!

Back into ranks!

# Land of hope and glory

Good night, Cliff.

# Mother of the free

# How shall we extol thee

# Who were born #

Here.

I brought you these back.

I had to pretend I was keeping them for the police.

It's bloody ridiculous! Eighty hours community service

for smashing a few hotel plates.

Why? Why did you do it?

-Just leave it out, Mutley. -Tell me!

-Afford me that! -Just leave it alone.

At least afford the man who brought you up and took you bowling every Sunday

-of your childhood! -I am sorry if my mom and dad dying

ruined your Sundays. I do apologize for that, all right?

Look, afford him an explanation

of why you've thrown away the biggest chance you'll ever have.

Look, you took me bowling, right, 'cause you wanted to go.

Yeah? And I stood by the side of Jubilee Park bored off my tits,

I only started playing, right, just to keep myself sane.

Well, I knew that.

Exactly. That's why I kept going, and I kept you doing it,

until you kept yourself sane to the point where you'd become a bloody genius!

A potential national champion genius!

So come on, what was it he said that was so terrible?

-It was nothing. -(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, bollocks...

Don't shout at it, Mutley.

-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -(SHOUTS) Hello?

-MUTLEY: Yeah, hold... -Don't shout, you don't need to, right?

-It's electronic. -(SHOUTS) Hold on, I'll get him.

-Oi. (WHISTLES) -(SIGHS)

I think she said it's the local news.

Hello?

-(WHISTLE BLOWS, TEAM CHATTERING) -PLAYER 1: Down here, down the line!

PLAYER 2: Clear the ball! PLAYER 3: What are you doing?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-PLAYER 4: Be brave. -Keep those sticks down!

-(GRUNTS) -(TEAM CHEERS)

Uh, Camilla, this is the game of hockey calling.

What the hell are you doing here?

Yeah, too bloody right.

It's burning my feet being here, I tell you,

it's taking a right effort morally

-to turn up here. -(SIGHS)

(BLOWS WHISTLE) 10-8, full time. Get changed, please.

-What's that? -I know it's a little bit big for a watch,

but if you've got one of them nice blouses with a frilly cuff,

I reckon it will look really nice.

You're trying to get me sacked, aren't you?

No. Do you know how much I spent on that present?

-You won it on that arcade arm thing... -(TEAM GIGGLING)

In, please, girls, come on.

It's not, like, your real present.

It's like a pre-big present...

-Present. -Why am I getting a real present at all?

He's still a tosser.

Right, and I reserve my right to that opinion, but he is your dad.

Uh, even though he's a twat.

Uh, and I could possibly have been a little bit more tactical,

you know, blah-dy, blah-dy, blah.

Anyway, 6:30?

Palm Gardens? Unless, of course,

Friday night is Monopoly night in the Speight household,

in which case I strongly advise you to buy the stations early on.

Now you'll have to excuse me, because I've got to get interviewed

by local television.

-(TEAM GIGGLING) -In!

Having won the country championships at a very young age,

you've been banned for 15 years.

Cliff Starkey, what was your crime?

(WHISPERS) Just relax, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

-Just fuck off. -(LAUGHS)

With bowls, this week we hear, in danger of being canceled from television,

with young people like you being banned,

do you think this sport could die out?

Yeah.

What age are the United Kingdom's Bowls Committee?

-Stone age. (CHUCKLES) -(LAUGHS)

-Yeah, they're like, neolithic. -(LAUGHS)

That's why they hate me.

Right? Because I'm the sort of bloke that goes on 18-30 holidays, yeah?

When they go on holiday, that's the sort of time they go to bed.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Excuse us there, mate.

I can't believe you got tickets for The Delays.

-It's been booked out for months! -We're going in the VIP area.

I know a bloke who works there.

Come on, through here.

All right, mate. We're on the list. I'm Cliff Starkey, bad boy of bowls.

Right, this is my girlfriend, Cindy, she does, sort of, um...

Sort of underwear modelling for the Freemans catalog.

-KERRY: Cliff! -Starkey!

You arsing scumbag.

-I can't believe you're still trying this. -Leave it, just leave it.

-I'm gonna give you such a kicking. -Oh, no, no, don't...

(CLIFF AND KERRY EXCLAIMING)

-CLIFF: Easy! -Please, Cliff, Cliff, no, Cliff...

I'm sorry, mate, just leave it out, please.

-All right, Cliffy? -All right, Jonno?

-How you doing, all right? -I'm good, how you doing?

Not bad. There you go.

-Ta. -All right.

-Take it easy, yeah? -Enjoy the gig, won't you?

All right, what you want to drink? Come on.

So that's how you normally get in, then, I take it?

No. No, I just did that to impress you.

-Oh, it's broken by the way. -What?

The watch.

I put it on, it started playing the theme tune to Beverly Hills Cop.

(CHUCKLES)

Then it leaked something brown onto my wrist.

Oh, well, I'll mend it for you, I'll get it fixed for you.

-Oh, the gig was good. -The gig was good.

CLIFF: See, I didn't think you'd come.

You know, I thought you'd instantly presume I was a bit of a prat,

you know, rather than waiting to actually find out that I am.

Thanks. It's been a great night.

(SMOOCHES)

Don't, don't go.

'Cause, well, now is the time of night I like to...

Hot things up a little bit.

To what?

Hot things up a little bit.

Don't be frightened of it, just, go on, hold it.

That's it, eh?

Now you see, that there is the bias.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Which means you're gonna have to aim it ever slightly to the left. Yeah?

Ever so slightly. You see, there's bias in each one of these little ladies, right?

And it's gonna pull it one way, no matter what.

Cliff.

Yeah?

I fucking hate bowls.

-TREVOR: Whoo-hoo! -What?

-I got the three P's! -Shh!

Pizza, pilsner and porn!

Shops of the West Country. That documentary you were after.

(CHUCKLES)

See you.

-You... -I'm sorry.

-I am so, so sorry. -You made me look a right prat, there.

-I'm sorry. -Yeah, cheers mate.

-Sorry. -Shut up.

-Really sorry. -Just piss off, mate.

-I'm really sorry. -What is the matter with you?

(STAMMERS) Pawn shops of the West Country!

I think we got away with it!

-I'm sorry. -No.

-I've said I'm sorry! -Sorry, bollocks.

You made me out to be the kind of bloke that watches pornography!

Well, you are! Not only that,

you normally go out with the kind of girls who appear in pornography.

Yeah, well, Kerry's not like that, all right?

Oh, I'm stepping out with a duchess, I am.

-Cor, love a duck. -Shut your mouth.

RICK: Cliff Starkey.

-Christ, it's Batman. -RICK: I don't believe it.

It's that bloke from The Matrix, isn't it?

I don't fucking believe it. In the flesh?

I mean, I... I gotta...

Do you know what you are? You're this.

-Late? -You're gold.

You what, mate?

You know, I heard they canceled bowls.

It made me so fucking mad!

I'm Rick Schwartz.

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Quick, what's its name, you know, the white ball, the little fucker?

-The, uh... The jimmy? -The jack.

That's right, the jack.

These television guys are so far off the jack,

-you know? -BOTH: Yeah.

The bowls on TV in this country are a total disaster, am I right?

-BOTH: Yeah. -Thanks to BBC coverage,

bowls is the only Olympic sport where you can win a gold medal

-while still smoking a pipe. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)

CLIFF: That's right. TREVOR: It is, isn't it.

So you play, do you?

Well, I mean I've rolled a few woods in my time,

but I mean, you, Cliff, I gotta say to you, man...

I really love what you do with the game.

That's exactly why I brought Dennis down here to meet you.

Right. Who's Dennis?

My God, Dennis, as head of BBC Sports,

you gotta know that athletes are like popcorn.

Some pop, some don't.

Believe me, this kid here is a popper.

I know people might not watch bowls on TV,

but trust me, they'll watch Cliff. Here's how it's gonna happen.

His first exhibition match?

Televised prime-time special. I mean, think about it, Dennis.

It might deflect all the flack you've been getting

for canceling bowls in the first place.

-(BOTH LAUGH) -If you know what I mean.

Well, I don't know, I'm not sure that I'm actually...

Train's gonna leave the station, Dennis. Are you gonna be on it,

or just dicking around in the parking lot?

-(CHUCKLES) -That's not entirely fair...

Let me ask you a question. What makes the difference between a game and a sport?

-Passion! -Passion...

Yeah, passion is what makes the difference between a game and a sport.

Passionate is what the cable TV people were

when I pitched this to them last night.

I gotta run. You guys ready?

-What's going on? -Keep walking, guys.

-Move, move, move. -Oi.

Hey, hey, hey... (STAMMERS) Who the hell are you?

STA, Sports Talent Associated. We're the biggest in the world.

First premiership player to get six figures a week,

plus 15% image rights? Me.

First non-US boxer to be guaranteed 15% of the entire take just for showing up?

-Me. -He's banned.

Screw the ban. Screw the ban, pal.

What I can do is make Cliff Starkey, here, the bad boy of British bowls.

I can make him the hottest, richest, sexiest sports phenomenon

in living memory.

Now listen to me. It's 10 paces from here back to my limo.

I can guarantee you that before I get to five,

that man back in there is gonna be out here making us an offer,

because he's panicked. He's scared he's about to lose out.

So can you do me a favor, please, gentlemen?

Can you walk with me? Here we go.

One, two...

-Three, four... -Rick!

Rick, could I have a moment?

Thank you.

Dennis, what can I do for you?

(CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING)

ANNOUNCER: It's Blackball Bowls, and it's live.

Featuring the "Bad Boy" Cliff Starkey, as he takes on the Scottish legend,

Brian "Iron Wrist" Cronk!

You fucker! I'll have your arse!

I'll have your arse!

Fuck, I thought I asked you to bring me another bowls prodigy like Cliff!

-(CRONK SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) -That's him.

National champion at the age of 45.

-Get off me, get off me! -Too much, too young.

(GRUNTS)

(CROWD RHYTHMICALLY CHANTING) Bad Boy!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bad Boy of Bowls is in the house!

The incredible Cliff Starkey!

-You hear that crowd? -Yeah.

That's for you. You're the one they pay to see.

You're the baddest, scariest human ever to roll a jack.

-Yes, I am. -You're hostile! Mobile! Volatile!

-Now burn it down, baby, burn it all down! -Yes, I will!

(CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES)

(CROWD CHEERS)

Let's bowl this mother!

(YELLS)

Isn't that the young man who did the decorating in this place?

Whoa!

It's great, isn't it? I'm well buzzed. It's brilliant.

All right, Trevvie, she made it, a joke's a joke, slow down!

(TREVOR YELLS)

-Put your foot down, Trevor! -(ALL YELLING)

(KERRY YELLS)

Ta-da!

Oi.

You're looking at, right, as of this morning,

the first bowls player in history to be asked to present an MTV Award.

Is that in your capacity as a bowls player, or a prick?

Well, both, right? That's why they want me.

They reckon I'm the Maradona of bowls, right?

-The Hurricane Higgins... -Undercoat.

And after I beat Brian Cronk, yeah,

one bloke reckons I'm the new Georgie Best.

Brian Cronk is a 60-year-old alcoholic.

He couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo!

-Oh, shut up. -Yeah, and if your agent knows so much

about sport, ask him, just ask him, what happened to Maradona, Cliff?

In the end. And Hurricane Higgins, all them guys! Undercoat!

Forget the bloody undercoat.

Nobody watched the snooker, right, before the Hurricane, right?

That's what happened. Donut.

CLIFF: (ON PHONE) It's the Savoy, Kerry. We're at the hotel.

The girl who runs these awards, right,

she's only putting me up in the absolute bloody Savoy.

Oh, I wish Granddad could see this.

Go on.

Right, I'm walking down this really long corridor, yeah?

Hang about. Looks like my door.

I'm actually getting in...

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ.

KERRY: What? What is it?

Well, there's like loads of fruit and posh pictures all over the wall.

It's got one of them ceilings, you know, that you get in stately homes?

Ain't got a bloody bed, though.

Here, mate, does that pull out?

No, you've got a separate bedroom over there.

I've got a separate bedroom!

Kerry, the bed. Wee-hee!

(LAUGHS)

The bed is just...

-Wasted? -Yeah.

(SIGHS) Oh, look at the view.

Oh, wow.

-Wow. -Tell me.

It's just magical.

You got to be here.

How final is the ban on Cliff Starkey?

Well, why do you ask, Chairman Collins?

As you know, we at Central Committee

have lost two million in revenue by being dropped from television.

This afternoon we were offered 2.3 million

from Targitex Sportswear to sponsor the Australian Test.

-Oh, well! -(ALL MURMURING HAPPILY)

If...

Cliff Starkey is playing.

Hmm. Oh...

Okay, settle down, because now,

we have for you, to present the award for Best Newcomer,

a young guy who this year became the most banned player

in the history of British sport.

Please welcome the Bad Boy of Bowls,

-Cliff Starkey. -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

-(SHOUTING) -CLIFF: Nobody says that, right?

Nobody says that about bowls! You say that about bowls again...

-I'll bloody kill you! -Oh, my God!

Bowls is the new rock 'n' roll!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

-(CELL PHONE BEEPS) -Starkey, Bad Boy.

KERRY: What happened? Are you okay?

-Look, Kerry... Kerry, it was a stunt! -What do you mean, "it was a stunt"?

That bloke I was fighting with, right? His name's Mike,

he doubles for Pierce Brosnan, yeah? Oi, oi! He's a bit pissed at the moment.

-It's Rick's idea, yeah? -Hello, gorgeous.

-For heaven's sake. -Kerry, I met bands.

Right? I met bands, I just spoke to a bloke who was on my T-shirt!

That hasn't happened to me since I went to see Sooty in Plymouth!

-So where are you now? -And I got an advert!

Someone wants me to advertise something, right, and I said, right, I demand

a girl comes with me, a particular girl, right?

And I demand this, because...

Because I...

'Cause when I'm not with her...

It feels like someone turned the sun off, you know?

And when I look at her

it feels like my lift's crashing.

Anyway, right, they rang her and she couldn't make it,

so I said, "I know this tart in Torquay I once shagged called Kerry, yeah?

-"She'd be up for it." -Oh, sod off!

Whoa-ho, Micky's up on the lion!

-Kerry? -I'm coming up...

-I'm coming... -(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Who was that?

I'll fill in a form if you like.

You're right.

There comes a point a man has to acknowledge his little girl's grown up.

That there are things in her life she should be doing

that I might have been holding her back from.

"The Royal Torquay Bowls Club Annual dinner."

Look inside. Go on.

Note the surprise element. Guest speech.

"My Love of Bowls," by Ray Speight.

Mmm. Yes.

Tell me, Dad, have you ever wondered whether...

You love bowls so much because Mum left,

or whether maybe Mum left because you love bowls so much.

RICK: In terms of Cliff's media profile,

there's an absolute volcanic coup I'm currently processing right now.

Gotta keep it under wraps. Can't share it with you.

But what I can tell you is this,

there's right now a move to tie Cliff in with a brand-new government program

that's gonna take kids from the wrong side of the tracks,

and it's gonna help them stay clean off drugs.

-Perfect. -Hear, hear.

Britain's drug problem estates are one of our chief concerns as a company, Rick.

-Well, sure it is. -That's where we sell 80% of our trainers.

-(BOARD MEMBERS MURMURING) -Exactly.

-CREW: Bad Boy, Diet Coke, three, take 12. -(CLAPS)

DIRECTOR: Action.

-(CAN SPURTS) -DIRECTOR: And cut.

Uh, Cliff you're gonna have to open it after you've turned.

-Okay? -All right.

That's when the tingle of great taste will leap out of the can and bowl you over.

All right?

What, something's actually gonna jump out at me?

-How big's it gonna be? -No, no, it's a computer effect.

I dunno whether I feel comfortable, Rick.

-That's what the blue screen's for... -Dunno whether I feel comfortable...

Actually, could we get him a light?

Mike, could we get a green light for him, please?

So you'll open the can on the green light.

-Okay? -Okay.

-(CLICKS TAB) -Okay, mark it.

Bad Boy, Diet Coke, three, take 13.

-(CLAPS) -(CAN SPURTS)

(LIGHT BUZZES)

DIRECTOR: And cut.

I'll tell you what, let's forget the light, let's get a bell.

Uh, Dave, could we get him a bell, please?

So, this time...

You open it on the "ding," all right?

Okay. All right.

Great. Ding.

-Bad Boy, Diet Coke, three, take 14. -(CLAPS)

Action!

(BELL RINGS)

(CAN SPURTS)

And cut.

Yeah, Cliff, good, but it's still not gonna work

because the timing's not...

-That's the one. -And that's a wrap, everybody!

-The Bad Boy himself, Mr. Cliff Starkey. -(CREW APPLAUDS)

-Have you had any classes? -Never.

-Unbelievable. Unbelievable. -Thanks.

-Come on! -(CREW CHEERS WEAKLY)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

-I was relaxed, yeah? -"Relaxed"?

It was like you were sititing in your own living room.

-Yeah? -Come on.

"Come on." All right.

Come on! (CHUCKLES)

Come on!

-Come on. -Wow.

What do you mean he's got a girl in his trailer, what'd I tell you?

Rule number one! Nobody sees Cliff without going through me first.

Right? Where's the blimp?

Like I needed to ask.

So hang on, I can have lemon sponge and gateau?

Here.

Hey! My man, slim.

Just 'cause he likes having you around

doesn't mean you can sit on your fat ass all day eating six fucking desserts.

I'm off the set for five fricking minutes, he's got a groupie in his trailer?

It's not a bloody groupie, it's his girlfriend, innit?

Girlfriend?

Kerry Speight.

Kerry who?

Speight.

-News International, can I help you? -Yeah.

Can... Can you get me the, uh... Picture editor, please?

-He's in a meeting. Is it important? -Yeah, I... I got a...

I got a strong feeling this will fall under the category of important.

Okay, please hold.

-(CHUCKLES) -(GASPS)

RICK: You got the latest offers there?

Apparently the BBC bid 3.9.

-(GROANS) -Yeah, keep on reading, guys.

And three hours ago, UK Sportsnet

-offered 4.1. -Oh, my God.

As soon as you can guarantee Cliff Starkey plays for England,

you're gonna have Australian TV begging to come in, right?

Bloody Speight

and his blasted ban.

The sell-through rights are gonna be huge.

Plus, Targitex Sportswear's just raised to 2.9 for the sponsorship deal.

Guys, every time this kid receives press coverage,

the sponsorship goes north.

And believe me when I tell you,

the press coverage he's received so far

is nothing compared to what I can confidently predict

they are going to run with tomorrow morning.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

Come on. Come on, that's the way!

Nice, nice! That's the way!

Get it over! Get it over! Don't hang about!

Slip it in! Good lad, nice and easy. Move in and...

I'm not sure I can do this with Trevor watching football outside.

That's it. Come on!

Now, now! Get it in the box!

-I can't. I can't do it. -Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, you...

Trev, Trev. Do us a favor, mate? Bugger off.

No.

What?

It's a close thing, but I'd rather be watching Man City

than listening to you two shagging.

(MUTTERING)

I've gotta sit here all night being a bloody bodyguard.

I'm bloody under orders.

Don't get arsey with Rick, mate.

He's only looking after me, that's all.

If it's any easier, stop calling me "mate" and use "employee."

(SCOFFS)

-Go on. -Good night, Trevor. Piss off.

I mean, if you're not enjoying this, mate, right.

If you're not gonna be grateful for everything that I'm doing...

-"Grateful"? Grateful? -Yeah, if you're not gonna be grateful...

This is a bloody free holiday, mate, do you not realize that?

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you for letting me sit on my arse while you have a shag.

-Shut up. -For letting 'em tell me

I can't eat my dinner till you've had yours first.

Thanks for letting 'em call me a "fat fucking Butterball".

Yeah, all in all, thanks for everything.

But funny thing is, next time I fancy a holiday,

I'll go to fucking Thomas Cook!

You've got no bloody idea, have you, the pressure I'm under?

Right, today, for example, yeah.

I got to open up a fizzy can of pop, right, to the sound of a bell dinging.

-With a green light in my... -You great twat!

You are sacked.

You can't sack me, I've quit.

No, you can't quit now, mate, 'cause I've just sacked you.

Shit boy!

Fucking donut face.

(STRUGGLING)

-I'll pull that fucking perm off... -Get off me! What are you doing?

What is it about bowls that so encourages friendship?

-Tosser. -Prick.

Arsehole.

My speech tonight was originally going to concern the history of our noble game.

But in light of recent events...

-Ladies and gentlemen... -Have you seen...

Have you seen? He's all over the papers again.

-RAY: I believe now more than ever... -God.

It is the future of the game that demands our attention.

GILES: We're gonna go down in history as the men who killed bowls.

...of like-minded people with like-minded ideas.

Where restraint and self-control are the jewels in our crown.

-(SIGHS) -RAY: Any notion of commercialism...

Over five million quid down the swanny.

We've got to get this ban overturned.

-Giles. Giles. -RAY: ...are to be resisted at all costs.

Can't we get some dirt on Ray?

-Dirt? This is Ray "Spotless" Speight. -RAY: It is imperative that bowls...

This man edited the bloody national rulebook.

And this we must remember now,

particularly when our sport is under attack.

Well, look, here we are again.

The indiscipline and bad language of this...

-Fucking wanker. -(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Gotcha.

And in a dramatic new twist, "Bad Boy of Bowls" Cliff Starkey

has been reinstated as Southern Peninsula Bowls Champion.

His 15-year ban has been converted to a two-week suspension.

Come on. What are you waiting for? Warm up, once round the pitch.

-(GIRLS GIGGLING) -What?

-Nice one, miss. -Yeah. Nice one, miss.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Ray Speight is a valued servant of the game of bowls.

But we felt that his actions may lately have been clouded

by a degree of personal animosity.

We all wish Ray well...

-Mmm. -(MURMURING)

...in having a little respite

from editing the rule book

and welcome

Cliff Starkey

to the England team.

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

Jesus Christ!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Look who's in the neighborhood!

That's right.

(LAUGHING)

Have you seen the photo?

I mean, what a place.

Has Rick got me the best flat in Torquay or what?

(LAUGHS)

Unbelievable. Two weeks ago I was decorating this place.

I love this kitchen. I love it.

Champagne? That'll be Rick. (CHUCKLES)

My school has suspended me.

Well, that's great. That's great.

Yeah, you should've left there years ago.

Teaching all those snobby-arsed girls

who are only gonna work for Daddy anyway, ain't they?

You know?

Some bubbly.

Have you seen the photo?

It's just the press, you know? It's all part of being a celebrity.

Just gotta deal with it. That's all.

Well, thanks.

Thanks for your concern.

What's the bloody matter with you and Trevor?

Why can't you just be happy for me?

You are so selfish, you know. Everything's going great for me...

-I'm playing for England. -Thanks to who?

Thanks to my dad, in fact, who saw the photos and embarrassed himself.

I am so sorry I didn't send him some flowers,

'cause of course he was the bloke that banned me, wasn't he?

Originally? I think he was, yeah.

If you hadn't been banned, you wouldn't even be a celebrity.

Do you think that if you hadn't been banned

anybody would give a flying toss who Cliff Starkey was?

Okay. Off you go, go on. Back in line. Daddy's little princess.

# Land of hope and glory #

-Oh, no. -Yeah.

-No. -Yeah.

It works in a café. Not in a penthouse.

Well, sod off then.

I will.

Right, I'm gonna give you five paces, right.

To turn round, come back, give me a kiss and say you're sorry.

-One, two... -(DOOR SLAMS)

Bugger off then.

I'll have a champagne bath on my own.

Oh, my God!

Dad?

Dad?

-Well? -He's got concussion.

He's torn ligaments in his knees, so he'll be on crutches for quite a while.

Has he come round, has he? What did he say?

It was that astronomer's flat he's been working on all summer.

He got a call saying some American wanted it a week early.

-Right. -And of course,

he had no one to hold the ladder.

No.

-(CLAMORING) -(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

All right, all right. That's it. That's it. That's it. We're done.

You guys get to see one more trick. What do you wanna see?

REPORTERS: Show us the Rizla trick.

Go ahead. Kill it, baby.

Give those Aussies something to read about tomorrow and let's go home.

All right, yeah.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just, you know...

Had a bit of a... You know, thing with Kerry.

It's... It's all right.

Kerry.

-Hi. -Hi.

Have a seat.

Uh, Chateau L'Azure.

It's actually two types of grapes, um...

90% Cabernet, 10% Merlot.

It's fantastic. It's from the... (STAMMERS)

Oldest, uh, wine vineyard in the world, uh...

Lebanon. Bekaa Valley.

-Rick, where's Cliff? -Uh, and Bekaa Valley...

-Uh, produces... I don't want to say... -Rick.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

-Kerry, I've been putting this off... -Putting what off?

-(SIGHS) Kerry, there's a... -Rick, listen.

You phone me up and tell me that Cliff wants to apologize.

I turn up here, you're here, there's only two glasses...

Oh. Oh, my God.

Right. I get it. I get it.

I've been kind of stupid, haven't I?

Look, Kerry, the problem with stars...

Rick, I'm fine, I...

No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen to me. This is important.

The problem with stars is that about now,

you know, about when they're this far up, they start to look down.

And the things that they were very, very close to

suddenly seem to be very far away.

And very small.

Then they get agents, don't they?

Agents like you to do their fucking shitty business for them.

(SIGHS)

A little more, please.

He don't live here anymore.

Try Millionaires' Row.

My dad's changed the locks.

Come in.

Thanks.

(MURMURING)

RICK: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Buddy, buddy, buddy.

You're not understanding the media coup

I've been cooking up for the last 48 hours.

So why don't you go ahead and let me tell you once again exactly

what the English Ashes team is gonna look like.

The new England Captain, Cliff Starkey.

-(CLAMORING) -Ken Star. Ken Star, News of the World.

-All right, Cliff? -All right.

Tell me, did you sleep with Ray Speight's daughter just to wind him up?

Bowls questions, please!

Just 'cause you're an ugly bastard, right,

who hasn't had a shag for, like, 20 years, don't take it out on me, yeah?

COLLINS: Dave. Do you have a question about the training?

Thank you, yeah. Dave Gort, The Sun.

Cliff, how's the training?

Well, I've never been, like, a great believer in training, as such.

And I think that that's absolutely a... A fair point to say.

Cliff Starkey is...

Is not bigger than the sport.

He is the fucking sport! Do you understand me?

So, are you gonna give the Aussies a good whopping?

Oh, what, the didgeri-Doohan brothers? (LAUGHS)

Kylie and Jason, I'm gonna stick 'em on the barbie!

Trevor Batty, Asian Babes.

Cliff, can I ask

is your bad-boy image for real?

Or are you actually the kind of twat

who'd get his agent to dump his girlfriend for him?

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

(MOUTHING) What?

COLLINS: Could we have a question from Derek

of Bowls and Bowlers?

Derek, where are you?

RICK: Whoa, tiger! (GROWLS)

What did you tell her?

Listen, this is the big time, kiddo. Schwarzenegger's back in the neighborhood.

What did you say to Kerry?

See, I figured, who is the England team?

Who do people from England, in their fucking guts,

want to see play the Australians?

-Just get the fuck out of here, man. -Just think about it.

-Get the fuck out of here. -I know you wanna know who the guy is.

Now, in the whole world, who is the one man I would team you with?

Cliff, I know I can be a bit of a bad boy, too,

but honestly that's what makes me a genius at what I do.

But at the end of the day, me and you are kind of the same.

You're fired.

You are fired.

Hmm.

-Okay. -Okay.

-So... (CLICKS TONGUE) -Yeah.

During the, uh...

Six paces between here and that door, I want you to think about one thing, okay?

Time is very pressing here, boy wonder.

I want you to listen to me, kid.

We have a very, very short season to gather our nuts.

And seriously,

I could do without all your bitch-ass whining

when we should actually be out nut gathering.

I'm gonna go now.

One, two, three,

four, five,

six.

That was a bad move.

You have no idea. In The History of Stupid Things,

on that book? You'd be on the fucking cover!

You lost your focus, she was a fucking distraction.

I mean, how blind, how stupid...

Okay.

I forgive you.

Let's put it behind us. Come on.

Come on, I'll hug the hurt out of you. Come on.

Come on. Come on!

Come on!

Right.

Well, there's just... Finally just...

One itsy-bitsy

little thing that you should probably remember.

It's

bowls.

Hmm?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-(SHOUTING) -(SCREAMING)

Whoa, no! (EXCLAIMING)

(STUTTERING) Is Kerry in?

Please, Mr. Speight?

Bloody hell, Ray. What kind of ban did you give them lot?

(CLIFF LAUGHS)

'Course, you can't talk to people like me, can you?

Even though my house is just as big as your house.

And my house is on Millionaires' Row, mate.

And all because I come from the Links Estate.

I mean, what is your bloody problem?

I came from the Links Estate.

What?

Don't you hide behind that.

I came from the Links Estate and I'm not scum.

And do you know what made me better?

What got me out of that shithole?

My game.

That I loved.

That you have...

Shagged.

And will probably discard.

As you probably have my daughter.

(DOOR SHUTS)

They were, um, taking on extra staff for the

final against the Aussies.

That's funny, isn't it?

Bowls. (LAUGHS)

Kerry, I didn't know what was going on.

Kerry. Kerry, I didn't know. I didn't know what was happening.

You know, whatever Rick said to you, it didn't come from me.

-Cliff, I've got a job. -I promise you.

I'm gonna rent a flat. I'm fine.

Yeah, but I didn't know what was happening, you know?

-I had no idea, I promise you. -I'm absolutely fine.

-I fired him. I fired him. -SNOW: In Torquay, Cliff Starkey,

the self-styled Bad Boy of Bowls

will face the world doubles champions Kyle and Mark Doohan

teamed up with the man he originally insulted,

Ray Speight.

I didn't know that was bloody happening, either!

Oh, no. You don't seriously think I had anything to do with setting that up?

Oh, Christ. What is going on round here?

Come on, mate.

You and me, man.

Right, come on.

CLIFF: I will concede the entire match

if my bowl does not end up

on this Rizla paper.

You little bastard.

You asked for this!

You had it coming!

Drown, you buggers! Who's laughing now then, eh?

(INAUDIBLE)

Who looks stupid now?

Eh?

GILES: What the bloody hell are we going to do?

HUGH: Well, do we have a plan B?

GILES: Plan B? What do you mean, "plan B"? There can't be a plan B.

It's Ray or no Ray.

ALAN: Bloody hell! First we twist every rule in the book to get him out,

now we're ruined if we can't get him back to play.

GILES: What if we tell him we got it wrong?

ALAN: How do you mean?

Ray! We checked the rule book, and you can say the word "wanker."

Hurts losing a child, don't it, Mr. Speight?

Whatever way it happens.

You don't realize you can hurt that much.

All right, don't talk to me, Ray. What do I know, anyway?

Only a bloody decorator.

I'm a fan, though.

Big fan. Big admirer.

I can't do much in life, but I can put wallpaper up straight.

And recognize talent.

It's funny the way it happens, isn't it, Ray? In life?

Even though for 30 years you've ignored me in corridors.

Even though you stand for everything that depresses me about this country,

I still love watching you play.

Loved watching you beat John Cullen with that little in-swinger.

1979.

1983 against Andrew Park, winning from four ends down.

Thing I do know, Ray, is that you are a world-class player.

Who was never brave enough to play for his country.

KERRY: Do you think that if you hadn't been banned,

anybody would give a flying toss who Cliff Starkey was?

SNOW: Cliff Starkey... TREVOR: Great twat!

SNOW: Self-styled Bad Boy of Bowls will face the world doubles...

RAY: I came from the Links Estate and I'm not scum.

SNOW: ...Kyle and Mark Doohan,

teamed up with the man he originally insulted, Ray Speight.

MUTLEY: You are a prick.

TREVOR: Great twat!

-RICK: Bowls. -(SCREAMING)

REPORTER: It's bowls.

The sport that time forgot.

Reborn tonight on a rink of fire, on a crimson green,

in the purpose-built Targitex Bowladrome, Torquay.

At its helm, perhaps the highest octane sportsman this country has ever seen.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CHEERING)

DRIVER: You've got a limousine outside, Mr. Starkey. Please pick up the phone.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-He got in the limo. -Let's go.

I didn't think you'd play.

I'm an Englishman.

Tosser!

CROWD: (CHANTING) England! England! England!

Oh, yes!

Mr. Daly, my name's Giles Booth.

-Allow me to introduce my committee. -Nice to meet you.

-Hello. -Beautiful. Nice job, people.

-I love the way the lettering... -This is...

REPORTER: First it was cricket, then rugby, then even football.

Now Australia holds sway over the world of bowls.

The Doohan brothers, unbeaten, remember, in seven years,

face an Ashes team at war with itself.

Cliff Starkey, Ray Speight.

Yesterday we called them enemies. Tonight we call them England.

Come on, guys. Proud to be English?

Yeah, yeah!

(CHEERING)

This isn't bowls.

Well, it is now.

Step forward, gentlemen.

Little tighter just for the camera, please.

Beautiful country, Australia.

BOTH: Eat shit.

Referee, protocol.

Those players have...

ANNOUNCER: Your referee, Julian Maycock.

(SHOUTS) England, Starkey!

ANNOUNCER: England, first mat.

Here we go.

(GLASSES CLINKING)

I'm Dave Zilato and with me is the man with the stats, Angus Loughran.

Uh, thanks, Dave. This is the first primetime

televised bowls match

since England versus Canada in 1962.

Which was, incidentally, the only prime time televised bowls match.

DAVE: Absolutely fascinating.

And Angus will be keeping us up with lots of stats throughout the game.

So here we go, folks.

It's the Ashes.

But will it be ashes to ashes?

Or will tonight, a phoenix rise?

We're about to find out.

-Oh, my word. -(CROWD SIGHING)

DAVE: What is that, Angus?

-ANGUS: Must be nerves, Dave. -(CLIFF CHUCKLES)

DAVE: Or is the bad boy just trying to psyche out the Australians with some

naughty mind games?

I wouldn't put it past him, Angus.

ANGUS: Ten degrees at the 15-yard mark.

-DAVE: Oh, that's gonna be well wide. -(CROWD CHEERING)

Wide and long.

ANGUS: That's a gutter ball, Dave.

Ten degrees at the 10. Good line, good weight.

Fifteen degrees at the 20.

Bowlometer's happy, Dave.

(CROWD CHEERING)

ANGUS: Oh, that's a sweet, sweet opener for Mark Doohan and he knows it.

He's pleased with that.

Look at that, right in the red zone.

Now let's see what the old master can come up with.

Aim.

Assess.

-(CROWD SIGHING) -ANGUS: Dropped it short. Well short.

ANGUS: 28% low on power and short of the score zone.

Kyle Doohan.

And he's away.

ANGUS: Australia lead 11-nil. What's going on, Dave?

DAVE: Well, we've all heard of "Bad Boy" Starkey,

but this seems to be "Bad Bowls" Starkey, Angus.

He's technically very ragged out there, isn't he?

You see, this is what happens.

This is exactly what happens.

Hey, wait a minute. Where's the guy that wipes your ass?

Oh, that's right, you fired him, and he's in London.

(LAUGHS)

CROWD: (CHANTING) Tosser, tosser, tosser!

ANGUS: This is a terrible shame, Dave. Terrible shame.

DAVE: Yeah, the sport does not need this, Angus.

Just play your normal game, yeah?

I'm stood on a red green using blue woods

surrounded by 2,000 people shouting "tosser".

Please, remind me what my normal game is?

ANGUS: England obviously debating tactics down there.

DAVE: Five at the 15.

Seven at the 30.

Bias kicking in.

Five at the 40.

ANGUS: Oh, that's better, that is not a bad lie from Ray Speight.

England, holding one.

Well, my word, that put paid to that.

Sorry, mate.

ANGUS: Well, you know, Dave, 13-nil is a real test psychologically because

no team in the history of lawn bowls has come back from 13 down.

DAVE: No, England have gotta get something

from this next end haven't they, Angus?

ANGUS: And quickly.

DAVE: Okay.

Nerves of steel required.

Auditorium silent.

They know the situation England are in.

And here we go.

Eight at the 15.

He's probably trying to draw to the jack.

ANGUS: Weight's going to be crucial here, Dave.

DAVE: Feels overtipped.

ANGUS: It's well overtipped, not good.

DAVE: What a shame, what, what a...

He can't handle it.

Gets to the big dance, he's got no one to hold his hand.

He's lost.

DAVE: Mr. Starkey is disgusted with himself.

Ah, you don't get it.

I fucking hate bowls!

-Hold on. -What?

That's it, isn't it? You've lost it.

ANGUS: Oh, Dave, Dave look at this. CLIFF: Get off me.

DAVE: Oh, now this is what was always on the cards

if they're put under pressure, if the old conflicts start coming out.

ANGUS: Yes, that's the highest halftime lead

since Australia against Japan in 1989.

And of course, they didn't have a halftime then it was just, uh,

halfway through the game.

MASCOT: Cliff. Hey, Cliff.

Don't worry, mate, you can turn this around.

I get big-match nerves myself some... (GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

So, that's interesting.

Maybe he's only good when he's playing people who are crap!

(SIGHS)

DAVE: Jon, so many expectations, so many hopes pinned on his shoulders.

Has it all got a bit too much for Starkey?

What's the mood down there?

Well, uh, I wish I could tell you, Dave, uh...

I've been in the England dressing-room,

and the fact is that Cliff Starkey has completely disappeared.

JON: This really isn't a stunt, though it might be a stunt they're unaware of

but whatever, currently no one in Torquay knows where Cliff Starkey is.

So, are you going back in?

What you're just gonna let my dad play all on his out there, are you?

Right, I can get you a Rubik's Cube

-or a Toblerone... -I don't believe this!

What are you doing?

Have you any idea what it's taken my dad to...

Hey!

How dare you walk away from me!

Have you any idea what it's taken my dad to get out there tonight?

Tonight, my dad has done an incredibly brave thing.

The first brave thing

in a life of abject weakness.

He's gone out there.

And he's nailed his colors to the mast.

And steeled himself and...

Where the hell are you going?

You've both given up

everything you had in your lives

for your sport.

What exactly do you have left to lose?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Well, this has gone past bizarre.

I have to tell viewers returning for the second half

that Australia are now

two minutes and ten seconds away from winning the Ashes by default

due to a no-show by both English players.

(GRUNTS)

(STRUGGLING)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES)

No, nothing is worth this.

Nothing is worth taking your life for!

-You bloody twat! -What?

Hold on to that. I'll be back in a minute.

(TAKES A BREATH)

(CROWD CHEERING)

We didn't run, that's what matters.

(SIGHS)

You don't mean that, do you, Ray?

No.

Cream the bastards.

REFEREE: England on the mat, Starkey to bowl.

Rizla trick!

Rizla trick!

CROWD: (CHANTING) Rizla trick, Rizla trick, Rizla trick...

DAVE: Oh, oh, oh, here we go.

First time we've seen this, Angus.

Starkey starting to play up to the audience.

Excuse me, my love.

DAVE: Talking to the audience, in fact.

-Me? -Oh, yeah.

DAVE: Now what's he up to?

(CROWD LAUGHS)

DAVE: Oh, thank you, madam.

Plenty of room in there.

And, uh... (LAUGHS)

Ah, he's certainly putting a smile on the audience's face there.

Ah, come on.

He's not seriously gonna... He is, you know.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, mama.

Yeah...

(CROWD CHEERS)

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

DAVE: After an abject first half, the uproar tells you everything.

It's Starkey's legendary Rizla trick.

At last the English crowd have got something to cheer about.

You're joking, aren't you?

You can't just turn up like that with no ticket to get in.

This is bowls!

Come on.

You're going down, boy.

(MUMBLING)

Come on, come on. Ah, bollocks!

Bollocks, here give us the phone. Come on.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

All right, Cliff! Come on, Ray!

(SHOUTS) The Four Corners of the Empire trick!

Get down.

It's Ray's favorite, this one.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Okay, in you go. Don't worry. Don't, there you go.

Oh, you are a treasure. Thanks, pet.

Bridget.

DAVE: Mark Doohan, crucial bowl for Australia.

(MUMBLING)

(MUMBLING)

(MUMBLING)

What?

Well, I dunno.

You started this fucking mumbling shit.

DAVE: First sign of tension in the Australian camp.

Matilda definitely not waltzing at the moment.

ANGUS: Fifteen degrees at the 10, it's not a good line.

DAVE: Power meter says too much weight, Angus.

ANGUS: Five degrees at the 40. It's overtipped.

DAVE: That's long from Mark Doohan going long and wide.

The deadly Doohans become the dreadful Doohans, Angus.

-Nice. -Eat shit.

ANGUS: England holding one.

As the end stands, we're tied at 17 all.

DAVE: Speight has potentially the winning wood.

ANGUS: A tricky end here though, Dave.

Needs perfect weight.

KYLE: Tosser! DAVE: Oh, he's bottomed it.

-Doohan said something! -Oh, big deal.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

DAVE: That's time.

So this is the last wood of the match.

-And the jack's been struck. -(CROWD SIGHS)

-Jack's heading for the gutter. -Get in the gutter.

DAVE: Jack in the gutter is live.

A jack in the gutter is still live, which will make Mark Doohan's

last bowl the winning wood.

(CROWD CHEERS)

-Yes, yes! -Yes!

ANGUS: The Doohan bowl's still in motion, Dave.

RAY: Referee protocol.

DAVE: Starkey knows it.

This is a bloody travesty.

DAVE: He's up to something definitely.

ANGUS: Dave, if there's any movement on that bowl, the game is still live.

(CHANTS) Tosser! Tosser! Tosser!

DAVE: Bowl's in motion. It's not over yet.

If that bowl drops, it's out of play and will not score.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

That's bowls, mate.

Out of play, that's a draw.

Seventeen all.

-He threw his shirt! -He threw his fucking shirt!

All right, calm down, gentlemen, calm down.

A tie is enough.

-Have we tied? -No, Ray. Tragically, this is television.

(ECHOES) Thunderbowl!

KYLE: Be quiet. Just shut it! MARK: You shut up.

It's the Thunderbowl.

The ultimate test of bowling nerve.

DAVE: One jack, one wood, closest wins.

It's bowls for the brave.

MUTLEY: (SHOUTS) Come on!

ANGUS: Well, Dave, England, the penalty shoot-outs?

DAVE: Ah, you've gotta try and believe, Angus.

Kyle Doohan to take now for Australia.

ANGUS: Ten degrees at the 10.

Speed 15.7.

-This is good. -DAVE: Computer likes it.

Computer says

red zone, two degrees. Great line.

-(CROWD CHEERS) -ANGUS: Oh, this is good.

DAVE: Oh, look at that. Would you look at that!

Oh, yes.

DAVE: I cannot believe it.

DAVE: Dear, oh, dear, Angus, what must they be thinking?

REFEREE: Starkey!

Top on, please.

DAVE: Starkey just being asked to put a top on.

Seventeen million viewers and he's not even wearing our bloody logo!

WOMAN: Cliff!

DAVE: There you are, someone in the crowd's obliged.

And there we go, that's better.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

Go on.

DAVE: Six weeks ago, this boy was a Torquay decorator.

The eyes of the nation

now rest on him.

What are his options, Angus?

(SOFTLY) In-swinger.

What, love?

He has to fire it to split 'em.

There's only one option?

He has to fire it.

He can't fire it. In-swinger.

Firing it won't work.

You need a cool in-swinger.

Trust the bias.

Let the wood do the work.

DAVE: Hold on, what's happening here?

ANGUS: This is 35 at the 10, it's going off the rink.

DAVE: What has Starkey done? He's gone for a huge in-swinger.

Surely, surely he should have blasted that kiss apart.

ANGUS: Hold on. Computer says 45 at the 30 and tightening!

This is unbelievable!

DAVE: God almighty, how much spin has he put on this?

Angus, it's on line, it is on line!

And it's going to get there, Dave!

DAVE: God, it's there, it's on it!

(CROWD CHEERS)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Now.

A little, come on.

Not a big one, just a gentle...

Come on!

Come on!

(ECHOES) Game, England!

DAVE: Oh, there we go!

Shane Warne, Kylie Minogue, Ramsay Street.

Crocodile Dundee,

your boys took one hail of a beating!

I made him.

I made that.

Fucking Brits.

So, remind me, what are the three A's again, Kerry?

Well, Trevor, achieve,

approach and apologize.

What don't you two try the three F's?

You know, forgive, forget,

-and go f... -Find Mutley?

Yeah.

I would just like to apologize

for everything.

And particularly my general descent into being a tosser.

Now, I haven't got an agent anymore and I, I...

I quite fancy a job holding your ladder, if it's, uh...

If it's still available.

Bet you thought I wasn't man enough to apologize to you face-to-face, didn't you?

Eh? (LAUGHS)

Cup of tea?

Yeah. Go on.

I've had this great idea, right.

This summer, I'm gonna open up a bowls school, yeah?

BOTH: Come on!