Original subtitles

For centuries, our planet has been ravaged by mankind

and its insatiable appetite for nature documentaries.

Tragically, we are running out of animal species

who have not already been filmed.

All that's left for us to cover now are the weirdos, the regrettable accidents,

and the evolutionary dead ends.

Today we present the dregs of the animal kingdom.

Our first of nature's B-sides is the disturbingly pale beluga whale,

the only creature whose ghost is darker than it is.

Ow, ow! Sunburn! Sunburn!

This Darwinian whoopsie is joined

by one of nature's even less justifiable species, the narwhal.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, I can't believe the summer's almost over.

Soon we'll have to migrate our separate ways.

I wish we weren't two different species.

When I look at someone, I don't see species.

I just see food or not food.

And, baby, you ain't food.

I'll never forget you.

Or this brief, wonderful time we had.

- Hmm. - That's one woman of a whale.

So, tell us about this narwhal babe. Did you get any fluke?

Yeah, in how many senses of the word was she horny?

Come on, tell us everything.

Oh, I will. In song.

Ah, whale song.

For centuries, their music has reminded sailors

of a filing cabinet being dragged across concrete,

but perhaps it sounds better to the whales.

♪ Oh, whale-a, whale-a, whale-a, hmph! ♪

♪ Summer days, swimming in bays And just half-hour-long summer nights ♪

♪ Oh, whale-a, whale-a, whale-a, hmph! ♪

♪ Tell us more, tell us more Did you swim by the beach? ♪

♪ Whale-a, hmph! ♪

♪ Give us deets Did you get her to breach? ♪

♪ Whale-a, hmph! ♪

♪ Spill the tea Did you give up your horn? ♪

♪ Whale-a, hmph! ♪

♪ Tell it all 'Cause whales ain't got no porn ♪

Summer's done. I'm never going to see him again.

♪ But, oh... ♪

For now, let's leave our Arctic also-rans and meet our next misfit,

the marine iguana.

A creature that does all it can to sabotage the survival of its offspring

by laying its eggs on the most dangerous beach in the world.

Hey, I got born!

And I'm on a nice, safe beach.

This is the good life.

Did somebody say sidekick? Let's get scrambling!

Dudes, it's lunchtime.

Are you my mommy?

We're here for a good time, not a long time.

Ha-ha!

What geniuses had the idea to put our nursery

in a snake-infested hellhole?

Hello.

Attention, children.

Welcome to school.

By which I mean, schooling you in how not to be eaten.

Now, your first assignment is to reach the safety of these rocks.

I'm on it, sir!

No, wait.

I have test anxiety. I need extra time!

Why am I still alive?

The snakes cannot see you if you do not move.

Thus, your task is a simple one.

Never move while they're looking, which is always.

And still without moving, run to us.

Now, any questions?

Oh! Oh!

Okay, all you have to do

is make sure that the snakes eat all these other liz-wads,

then they won't be hungry for us.

Bro, I like the way you think.

This sucks, but whatever.

Sometimes it's not the fittest who survive,

but the rudest dude with the baddest 'tude.

Hmm.

Ach! Schnell like the wind!

Congratulations to our valedictorian.

Nerd!

So what do I win?

A lifetime with the two of us on this rock,

and that's it.

Back in the Arctic,

the lovelorn beluga yearns for his narwhal crush.

Aw, I miss that stabby goddess.

Cheer up, pal. You know the old saying,

"There's plenty of other me's in the here."

Aw, thanks for saying that. You're good friends.

All right, let's be honest, that unicorn whale was a real unicorn.

20,000 leagues out of your league.

But that means you got to try harder, not stop trying.

Hey, you're right.

I've been moping around when I should be fighting for her love.

What would I do without you?

Mmm. Trusted companion.

Wait, when I find her, what do I say to her?

What males have been saying to females since the dawn of time.

Whatever you have to.

No part of the ocean can be said to be wetter than any other,

but one part of the land can.

The rainforest, home to a misfit monkey called the mandrill.

Daddy,

one of those creatures is pointing one of those things at us again.

It's a human with a camera. Just ignore it.

My poop-throwing teacher says that humans are related to us.

Oh, no, they're not. Evolution's a myth.

God created us in his own image.

And what does God have?

A big, juicy, red butt.

But the humans look a lot like us.

That's it. From now on, you boys are being tree-schooled.

What have I told you about walking like that?

Sorry, Daddy.

Hmm.

Holy mackerel.

Yes, my son?

Not you.

I can't believe I found her.

Hey, sugar fins.

What are you doing here?

This is the whale you've been spending so much time with?

Nobody told me he was "belug-ish."

Take a krill pill, Dad.

I'm sure there's a very good reason he left his pod

and traveled hundreds of miles to join this one.

Oh, the best reason.

My entire pod, everyone I know and love,

was killed... ...by killer whales.

Then how did you escape?

The orcas said, and I'm... I'm quoting them now,

"I was a great guy and a real catch who could make some female very happy."

Well, you know, I guess killer whales love love.

Can he stay with us, Dad? Can he?

He can stay.

But you'd better sleep with one eye open.

I already do.

Ah. Good.

All whales do. It's an interesting fact about us.

Don't tell me what whales do.

I won't.

Okay, then.

Interspecies cohabitation is fraught with peril.

If this beluga is to survive, it will have to do its best to blend in.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the stuff.

Whee!

Just be glad my butt doesn't itch.

Okay.

Now in the narwhal pod, the beluga is a fish out of water,

although he's not a fish, and he is in water.

There's my blubbery goddess.

Ow! Ow! Ow... is it going, ladies?

Me, I'm good. I'm really comfortable around you guys.

You've got a barnacle attached to you.

A very fat barnacle.

I am a whale, so calling me fat is actually a compliment.

I need to dive for food. Wanna come with?

Food? Whoa.

That's one of my favorite things to eat.

Okay, fun. Follow me.

Our daughter could have her pick of the pod.

Like that guy. He's in plastics.

This is the future.

Do beluga whales usually dive this deep?

Oh, all the time.

I thrive under... ...pressure.

I hope it's much further.

Hold on, I'll inflate you.

I've never done that before.

I mean, I just practiced on my fin.

We now turn our attention to an ornithological oddity

found off the coast of South America.

These tuxedoed jesters of the Antarctic are--

Are those penguins? I hope you're not doing penguins.

No, Morgan. I mean, Mr. Freeman.

- I'd never step on your narrating toes. - You don't wanna know

what happened to the people who made the penguin movie, Happy Feet.

I really don't. No, I get what you're saying.

They were driving home late one night.

Maybe there was ice on the road and maybe there wasn't.

Okay, okay, moving on.

The woodpecker finch.

A bird, yes, but definitely, definitely not a penguin.

It eats ants in tree bark like a woodpecker,

but unlike a real woodpecker, it's not fully evolved for the task.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Worst adaptation ever.

Ow!

Finches! Finches, please!

All this banging is gonna give our species head trauma.

There has to be a better way to dig ants out of a hole.

Mmm. Ants.

What is that amazing tool?

I call it the twig.

Thank you. I assume you accept regurgitation as payment.

Ka-ching!

We all must blow our hard-earned chunks

to acquire this disruptive new technology.

That's a lot of seed funding.

I've changed the world, but I won't rest on my laurels,

if that's what kind of tree this is.

So now it's time for me to push our species forward again as only I can.

I give you...

the stick!

Well, it's marvelous, of course,

and it's obviously going to change the world,

but also it does sort of look like just...

well, like sort of a bigger twig. Yes.

Wow, I don't see that at all.

I mean, look, it has a whole different adapter.

So the old adapters are all useless, then.

It's called progress.

- All dead! What are we gonna do? - What happened? It's a tragedy!

What happened?

Well, we twigged so many ants that there's none left,

and now the trees have died too.

Technology didn't make us smarter.

It just made our stupidity more powerful.

Well, we can't live here anymore, so what do we do now, boss?

Ugh. I guess we'll have to try our luck in the Amazon.

These Cheetos aren't bad.

Boy, human beings really have it figured out.

- Good job. - Excellent work.

That's, uh, sonar. We use that.

Just wait, we're almost there.

This is beautiful.

This has always been my favorite place,

but I've never gotten to share it with someone else.

You hungry?

I could eat.

Seafood tower.

Oh!

Aw.

This might be the lack of oxygen talking,

but I think you're the sexiest creature I've ever seen.

Take me to seabed or lose me forever.

Ooh.

Ew, disgusting.

Get a cove.

Speaking of off-putting romance,

we turn now to the bizarre sexual cannibalism of the praying mantis.

Honey, I'm home.

What the hell? Were you with another mantis?

You said I should try new things.

Yeah, but this isn't new. It happens every week.

God, just once I'd like to come home and find my own head in the corner.

I'm sorry, dear, but I have needs. Sexual, and dietary.

Well, this is why the guys at work laugh at me.

They see me walking around with a head,

and they know that I'm not getting any at home.

Well, maybe we could fix that.

On a Wednesday? All right!

Come to mama, you big hunk of meat.

Oh, yeah.

W-Wait, we forgot to do the, uh, the sex part.

- Mmm. - Can you at least take my corpse to work?

As the whales share the foraged bounty with the rest of the pod,

the beluga is now certain to be accepted.

Ugh. Unacceptable.

But, Daddy, we're in love and we're going to get married.

Over my beached body.

Stop it. He's a good whale.

After what happened to his pod,

he would have every right to be bitter and horrible.

But instead, he's honest, and truthful, and doesn't lie.

Hey, pal.

Haven't seen you around the pod. Which is thriving, by the way.

Yep, everything's great.

We did have one guy go missing...

...but that was you.

Oh, by the way, I was thinking how you could bag that girl you was after.

How about telling her a crazy lie?

Just a thought.

You lied to me. Why would you do that?

I was just really messed up after my pod died, and--

Oh, wait, you know that didn't happen.

You know what's funny?

Neither of us can even remember what we're fighting about.

I never wanna see you again.

Shunned by his new pod and spurned by his new love,

the beluga stoically accepts his fate.

I should have never trusted that lying "chumbag."

I'll never find true love.

That guy in plastics is still single.

And I hear he's working on a big deal with the Japanese.

Yeah, business trip.

I don't know. That guy seems really caught up in work.

Do you want to wind up lonely and riddled with propeller dents like your sisters?

Calves today.

Mom, I'm sorry for being such a dry blanket.

Just give me a couple days,

and I'm sure I'll be able to give up on love forever.

Don't you dare!

I can't let you make the same mistake I did.

I was once in love with the sweetest gray whale. His name was...

Oh, of the Newport...

No, different spelling.

We were so in love, but my parents didn't approve

and being a good daughter, I reluctantly agreed to end things.

I know one thing, Mom.

I don't want to end up like you in any way, shape, or form.

I'm going to find my love.

Did you see a beluga whale come this way?

Yeah, I got some bad news there.

He's very torn up after your fight

and he went to the place that you go when you are done living.

You don't mean...

Anyhoo, he won't be coming back.

But you still got me's,

if you need a thousand shoulders to cry on or, uh, anything else.

I'm going on an epic migration to find my true love.

I just need a quick snack for the road.

She put me in the food zone.

Meanwhile, our captive beluga now performs four shows a day,

to the delight of no one.

Now let's all welcome our park's saddest new attraction, Blubbo!

Give the baby beluga a big round of pity applause.

I told a lie and now I'm this.

- You suck, Blubbo! - Cry more, fatty!

- Whale fail! - Eat souvenir cup!

Uh-oh, looks like someone's having a temper tantrum.

We better give the baby his bottle.

You're selling out hard, man.

I know.

Just put me out of my misery and eat me.

What? We would never.

Oh, this is exactly the discrimination we've had to deal with

ever since somebody started a rumor that orcas ate a pod of belugas.

Yes, somebody.

I know that beautiful voice.

I know you made a mistake, but I made an even bigger one:

letting you go.

I love you and wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

I love you too, but they won't let me go.

My whole act is weeping uncontrollably,

and I'm the least depressing thing in this theme park.

I'm a prisoner of show business.

The only business I care about is the kind we should be getting down to. Huh?

That's all the innuendo I need to hear. I'm coming for you, baby.

What is Blubbo doing?

I think someone needs a nap.

Wow, it looks like baby is about to take his first jump.

D'oh!

Why did they set you free after you crushed that human?

It turns out captive whales are the only animals humans forgive for murdering them.

Aw, my apex predator hero.

And now I got a taste for man blood.

What do you say you and I go tip over a cruise ship?

I'd like that.

As unholy as it might seem, belugas and narwhals can reproduce.

And so a whole new species has joined the dregs.

Aw, there's my precious little--

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Why don't we just let her watch Krustacean the Clown?

Hey, hey, squids!

That counts as a laugh.

Shh!