Original subtitles

Mrs Drayton. Er... no.7.

No.7.

Thank you, ladies. oh, 3 and 4, you're both together.

No.2.

Mr Gerhardt? Er... no.1 7.

1 7.

Just a minute, sir.

Carter, show Mr Muller your warrant.

- Watch out! - (Whistle blows)

(Gunshots)

Yes, we got him, sir.

He was picked up five miles from the airport.

They're bringing him over now.

Carter and Evans?

Pretty bad, l'm afraid, sir - such close range.

But the M.O. seems to think they'll pull through.

Yeah, l will, sir.

l'll let you have a full report. Very good, sir.

- (Knock on door) - Come in.

- Muller, sir. - l'm warning you...

Someone's gonna get into trouble. Don't you push me!

Ah! Listen, l don't know who you are or what you're playing at,

but if you think you can go about kidnapping innocent people

just because there's a war on, you're jolly well mistaken!

This is a free country!

Cut it out, Muller. The game's up and you know it.

Muller! Muller! There you go again. Everybody keeps calling me Muller.

l'm Potts. William Henry Potts.

l'm a well-known and highly respected member of the scholastic profession.

- Yes? - Yes.

And this time yesterday, you were a Swiss commercial traveller.

And this time last year, you were a manufacturer of cork lino.

"Cork lino"? Cor blimey!

Now, listen, Muller, you're a German spy,

and you know what happens to spies in war time.

Spy? Huh! You're barmy. Now, listen.

lf l can provide you with absolute cast iron proof that l'm William Potts...

You've got a forged identity card, naturally.

- We found these in his pocket, sir. - Oh, yes, that's another thing, too.

Picking my pockets! Do you know you can go to jug for that sort of thing?

l see... German. That was unwise of you.

Of course it's German. lt's the lower fourth's homework.

l was taking it home to correct it. Well, look at it, you've only got to read...

Der Mann war im Haus.

Der Hund war im...

"The man was in the house. The dog was in the garden.

"The cow was in the armchair..."

"Cow in the armchair"?

Oh, that's Smith Minor.

He doesn't know the difference between "cow" and "Frau".

- lt's more than likely a code of some sort. - Code, my foot!

l tell you l'm the modern languages master at Meadowvale College.

l suppose there hasn't been a mistake?

Well, here's a picture of Muller, sir. You've only to compare the two.

That photograph may be your precious Muller, but l'm not.

You ring up Meadowvale College, Westport 4571 - they'll tell you who l am.

Right, we'll do that.

Get me the Headmaster of Meadowvale College, Westport 4571 .

- Yes. - (Phone buzzes)

Yes?

Who?

Who?

Well, bring him in.

And if he's not in, you ask for Mrs Smith.

- She'll tell you... - Just a minute, please.

Muller, sir.

Haven't l seen you somewhere before?

l seem to know your face as well as my own.

Blimey! lt is my own.

Verdammter Schweinehund und Schafskopf

mit einem Gesicht wie ein hausgemachtes Schnitzel!

Blimey! Hear what he's calling me?

Said l got a face like a half-baked Wiener Schnitzel!

Blimey, look at him - he's no oil painting, is he?

- There seems to be no mistake this time. - No, sir.

This is our man all right, sir. Had a gun on him and tried to use it again.

You've got a bit of a cheek, barging about all over the country with a face like mine.

For two pins l'd give you in charge. Sauce!

Take him to the Major Bishop's office.

Get down a statement if he'll make one. l'll question him later.

Very good, sir! Come on, you!

Don't let him get away this time. Nice mess you got me into!

l'm extremely sorry, sir. lt was a genuine mistake.

Mistake! l should jolly well think it was!

You're quite right, Mr Potts, we owe you our most sincere apologies.

Right, Sir Willis? You needn't wait.

- Headmaster of Meadowvale. - Shall l explain?

No, l'll do it myself. You'd very likely make matters worse.

Hello? ls that Dr Clayton?

This is Potts, here.

l'm sorry l'm late this morning, but...

Huh? Yes, l know it's the third time this week,

but this time l've got a real excuse. l mean, l...

l know all those things, Bishop, but when a million to one chance comes along,

you don't stop to pick holes in it, you grab it.

- Yes, but... - We've got nothing to lose.

Well, in that case l resign here and now!

That is, unless you want to take back what you just said?

Dr Clayton? Dr Clayton?

Hello? Hello, h-hello?

Er... yes?

Oh! Oh, er... no, thank you, Miss, it doesn't matter, no.

There you are - l've had my resignation accepted now, all through you people.

- You wait till my solicitors get to hear this. - Just a minute, Mr Potts.

lf you have resigned from your job,

does that mean you're free to consider another offer?

Another offer?

Well, if you know of anything good that's going,

say Rugby, for example, or Eton at a pinch...

- Not schoolmastering, Mr Potts. - Ah.

- A job with us, with Military lntelligence. - Military lntelligence?

- You mean Secret Service? - Yes.

lt's not an easy job, and l must warn you: lt's very risky.

ln fact, Bishop here thinks you won't even consider it.

Oh, he does, does he?

l don't mind taking risks occasionally, you know?

- Good! - Yes, if it's worth my while.

Oh, it'd be worth your while, all right, but it'll need a great deal of nerve.

Oh, l've got plenty of that, least that's what they tell me.

- Er, what is this job exactly? - Chair, Mr Potts.

Huh? Oh, thank you. Thanks very much.

- Cigarette, Mr Potts? - Yes, thanks.

Light, Mr Potts.

Now, that man Muller you saw just now was under orders to return to Germany

to report to the rector of Altenburg University,

apparently to instruct some special class in English.

Now, there's a very important research laboratory there

engaged on secret war work.

We want to know what it is.

We've got an agent in the town, of course,

but what we really need is someone inside the university.

Now, if someone exactly like Muller were to arrive in Altenburg,

who could utilise his privileged position

to discover the exact nature of those experiments,

someone like yourself, the exact double of Muller...

- You can't be seriously suggesting that l... - l am, Mr Potts.

Blimey!

And you ask me if l got a lot of nerve!

- Plenty of cloud. ldeal night for us. - Yes, l suppose so.

Wish l'd got a few bombs with me.

We don't want to call attention to ourselves.

- No, certainly not. - l suppose you're right. Pity.

Not far off now.

Now, have you got all the dope in your head? Let's just check.

We're putting you down at...

Densbach. That's on the Berlin-Frankfurt Railway,

and l get a train from there to Altenburg.

When l get there, l'm contacted by a girl named Lena Schuman.

She's a waitress at the erm...

- Golden Eagle. - Golden Eagle.

She'll say to me, "Your face is very familiar, mein Herr.

"Where have l seen it before?" And l say, "Was it in Munich in 1 936?"

- Right? - Just coming out of a spot now.

All set, Harris? Now, don't forget, count five, then pull the cord.

Yes! Count five and then pull the cord.

Hey! You're not suggesting l should jump out, are you?

Wait a minute. l've never used a parachute in my life before.

l explained it to you when l helped you on with it.

Yes, l know, but l thought that was just in case of emergencies.

Hey! Shut that door, it's dangerous.

- Hurry up, or we'll overshoot. - lf l do this job, l'll do it in my own time.

Can't we go any lower?

Whoa!

Meine Damen und Herren,

the Gestapo is making a search of this train.

Have your identification cards ready, please.

"Gestapo"?

Prisoner escaped from a concentration camp, most likely.

Oh, is that all?

They caught on enemy agent on this train last week.

You can't expect that to happen twice running though, can you?

- No, no, l suppose not. - Did you hear that, Frau Gasser?

- They caught a spy on this very train. - l know. l heard about it. A Dutchman.

He's going to be executed tomorrow - by the new method.

New method?

Facing upwards, looking straight at the axe.

Oh!

lnspection of identification cards.

Come on, wake up. ldentification cards.

- Danke, mein Herr. - Danke.

- Born in Hamburg, 1 891 ? - Yeah.

l should like to know your mother's maiden name.

Uh-huh, so should l. Doesn't it give it there?

- lt does not. - Oh, in that case, Winkelstadt.

- "Winkelstadt"? - Winkelstadt!

- Oh! Was your father also a Hamburger? - No, a Frankfurter.

- What was his profession? - Hot dogs.

- Huh? - Erm... greyhound racing.

Ah... hmm...

- Mein Herr, you're under arrest. - But what have l done?

You're on our blacklist, listening to the BBC.

- Yes, but only the children's hour. - Come on, come on...

There's some mistake here.

Danke, mein Herr. Glad to have had the honour, Herr Muller.

We in the Gestapo have heard of your splendid work for the Fatherland.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

Phew!

HlTLER: MY STRUGGLE

(♪ Brass band plays)

Well, pleasant journey.

- Thank you, mein Herr. - Oh...

"Welcome to Altenburg." Somebody important on the train.

- l wonder who it is. - l, er... l think it's for me.

(All) Heil Hitler!

Go on, Elsa dear...

Ah... (Clears throat) Thank you.

Oh, er, come on, dear. Give it to me. There's a nice little girl, come on.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

(Shouts) Let go!

(Groans)

(Groans)

What on earth are you doing down there?

l like it down here, l always travel this way.

Well, you'd better not like it too long - the train will be leaving in a minute.

Will it? How do l get out?

Up there between the carriages. l'll get your case.

Yeah, right.

(Blows whistle)

Quick, quick, it's going, it's going.

Whoa, whoa!

Oh! Phwoah, that's a nice welcome to give anybody.

Fine way to treat a visitor, l must say.

Your face is very familiar, mein Herr. Where have l seen it before?

What?

Your face is very familiar, mein Herr.

Where have l seen it before?

Well, down there. Don't you remember? You just helped me up.

Oh, l... l'm so sorry. l mistook you for someone.

Well, l am someone, even if l have been trodden on.

Mistook me for someone...

Here! l say...

Er... didn't we meet in Munich in 1 936?

l forgot all about the password, but l'm Potts all right.

- "Potts"? - Rudolph Muller to you.

Oh, l'm Lena Schumann.

l think we'd better keep walking. lt's less conspicuous.

Oh, all right.

The research laboratory is a separate building in the grounds of the university.

The man in charge of the experiments is a Professor Hoffmann.

- "Hoffman"? - Yes.

You get to work, make friends with him.

But suppose he doesn't want to be friends with me?

Try him with a few drinks. That's his weakness.

- You mean... - l mean drunk men tell tales.

- Tales from Hoffmann, l get it. - Exactly.

lf you want me, l'll be at the Golden Eagle.

Well, goodbye, Herr Muller, so nice to have seen you again.

Goodbye.

Look out for the rector at the university. He's no fool.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Herr Muller.

- Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler!

You are late, Herr Muller.

Berlin informed me that you were reporting for duty yesterday.

Yes, l'm sorry, Herr Rector, but... you see, the plane, er...

The train, through Spain stopped again and again and again.

Now... your duties.

As you know, you will be responsible

for the intensive training of the special English class.

l see. Do they speak any English at all?

They all speak perfect English, naturally.

Oh! Well, that doesn't leave much for me to do, does it?

On the contrary, Herr Muller.

l should have thought espionage a most complex subject to master.

Well, l'm doing my best...

l mean... l don't quite see what you're driving at, Herr Rector.

Well, as an expert on the subject of espionage, Herr Muller,

you have been deputed to train the special English class

for work as secret agents in Great Britain.

Er... "secret agents"?

- You mean a sort of school for spies? - Exactly.

You will familiarise the students with the British customs, habits and institutions,

so that eventually they may pass unchallenged as British citizens.

Oh! A nice job, l must say.

My secretary will now conduct you to your lecture room

where the members of your class are awaiting you.

- Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler!

Meine Herren, your new instructor . Party member Muller.

Morning, boys... l mean gentlemen.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

Now, gentlemen. Well, er...

Oh! Ah, well, if you don't want to sit down, of course, you needn't.

We have yet to receive your permission, Herr Muller.

Yes?

Yes, well, in that case... (Shouts) Sit down!

Well, gentlemen, l...

l understand that you've all been chosen to follow in my footsteps

and try your hands at spying.

And l hope that in due course we shall all get together over there in England.

And in view of that, l'm going to read your names from the list here in front of me,

and endeavour to memorise your faces,

so that l shan't miss any of you when you arrive.

- Ahldorf. - Ahldorf.

- Arbeiter. - Arbeiter.

- Beck. - Beck.

- Doppel. - Doppel.

- Erhardt. - Erhardt.

- Gunther. - Gunther.

- Krauss. - Krauss.

Ow!

Linden...

- Linden! - Linden.

- Schicklgruber - Schicklgruber.

Schn...

- Schneider. - Schneider.

- Wallenstein. - Wallenstein.

Well, meine Herren, l think we'd better start from the beginning.

Now, you've been dropped by parachute in a field, say, near Windsor.

What would you do? You.

l should proceed to the nearest manufacturing town, sir,

and obtain respectable employment.

Yes, very good.

Remembering, of course, to carry my gas mask, sir.

Ah, well, that's where you're wrong to start with.

Wrong to remember to carry my gas mask, sir?

Certainly! To be perfectly English,

you must always remember to forget to carry your gas mask.

- Oh, thank you, sir. - lt's all right.

Well, carry on. You proceed to the nearest manufacturing town, which is...?

Sluff.

- Where? - Sluff.

- "Sluff"? There's no such place. - But surely, sir.

A medium-sized township in Buckinghamshire. Sluff.

- Spell it! - S-L-O-U-G-H.

- "Sluff". - Slough!

(Mockingly) "Sluff"!

Slough! O-U-G-H is "ow".

Thank you, sir, for correcting my foolish error.

Oh, you're welcome.

That certainly makes learning English very 'tow', sir, doesn't it?

What did you say?

That certainly makes learning English very 'tow'.

Certainly makes learning English very 'tow'?

- What are you talking about? - Very 'tow', sir.

T-O-U-G-H. "Tow".

T-O-U-G-H is "tough"!

- "Tough", sir? - Certainly.

Oh, but you just said S-L-O-U-G-H was "Slough" and not "Sluff".

- Well, so it is. - Then T-O-U-G-H is "tow".

T-O-U-G-H is "tough". S-L-O-U-G-H is "Slough".

T-H-O-U-G-H is "though".

P-L-O-U-G-H, "pluff", er... "plough".

Well, that's enough anyway.

l don't know who taught you English,

but they certainly didn't make a good...

Er, well, while we're about it,

we'd better take a few other English place names,

so that you won't get into a bigger mess.

"Sluff", indeed!

Now, we'll take, er... we'll take this sentence.

Now, supposing...

l were to say...

that Lord "Lie-cester"...

went from "Wor-cester"

to "Bi-cester"...

via "Glou-cester"...

would that be correct? Now, think before you answer.

Lord "Lie-cester" went from "Wor-cester" to "Bi-cester" via "Glou-cester".

ls that correct?

- No, sir. - Why not?

Because you can't go from Worcester to Bicester via Gloucester.

- Oh, you can't? - No, sir. You have to go via Cicester.

- Via... via where? - Cicester.

- Come down here. - Yes, sir.

- Did you say "Cicester", in England? - Yes, sir.

- How do you spell it? - C-l-R-E-N-C-E-S-T-E-R. Cicester.

That's Cirencester!

Oh! But our previous English language instructor called it "Cicester", sir.

- "Cicestersir"? - No, sir, "Cicester".

- "Sircicester"? - No, sir, "Cicester", sir.

"Sircicestersir"?

This is absolute nonsense, all this is.

l ought to know. l've got a sister living there.

l... l mean l've just been living near Cirencester.

- Go back to your place. - Yes, sir.

Well, we've wasted enough time on those place names already.

l can see that you boys have got a long way to go

before you begin to be anything like British citizens.

To begin with, look at the way you hold yourselves.

- "Hold ourselves", sir? - Yes.

You look like a lot of stuffed dummies.

- Go on, relax. - Ow!

That's right.

You've got to learn to think like the British,

look like the British and talk like the British.

- Now, suppose you were in the local. - The "local", sir?

- Yes, the local. You know, the boozer. - The "boozer", sir?

Yes, like "The Old Bull and Bush" or "The Golden Eagle".

- Oh, you mean the local beer-cellar, sir. - The local beer-cellar, quite.

Now, you're in there and you're talking about the war.

Now... you, Krauss, someone says to you,

"Well, what do you think of the news, mate?"

What would you reply?

l should say, "By Jove, old fruit,

"l find it increasingly disheartening.

"l fear we Britons are no match for the glorious German Army."

Blimey! Hear that?

You wouldn't last long with that sort of tripe.

Now, go on, you ask me.

"What do you think of the news, mate?"

Well, l should say if you asked me,

l think there's a nasty surprise packet coming to poor ruddy old Adolph.

Sir...!

l'm speaking now as a British citizen would, you see.

Do they really talk like that, sir?

l mean, that's high class saloon bar stuff.

You ought to hear what they say in the four ale bar.

They can't seriously think, sir,

they'd stand a chance against our invincible army?

On the contrary!

They think they're going to knock the stuffing out of you. And they will!

l mean, they will go on thinking that until they learn differently.

You mean until they learn to appreciate the greatness of our beloved Führer?

Er... precisely.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

Oh, by the way, that reminds me,

when you get to England, you mustn't keep on doing this,

unless you want to stop a bus or leave the room or something.

But have the British no form of ceremonial salutation, sir?

No, er... no what? No salutation?

Oh, yes! Yes, of course we have. Er... of course they have, yes.

Yes, they do this.

And l think you'd better all practise it.

lt's very simple, simply this... one-two, one-two.

And every time you do it,

you must be thinking of your glorious Fatherland.

Now stand up, gentlemen.

Hands in position.

That's right.

Now ready... go.

One, two.

Just a moment, gentlemen, just a moment.

Not to me, gentlemen.

(Clears throat) Not to me.

To our beloved Führer.

You ready? Go!

(♪ Brass band plays anthem)

Herr Muller, Herr Schmidt.

Herr Schmidt is Gestapo Officer, attached to the university.

"Gestapo"?

And how do you find the special English class, Herr Muller?

Oh, backward, very backward.

l don't know who had the job of teaching them before l took over,

- but he didn't know much about his job. - lndeed?

Yes! Oh, yes, completely incompetent, disgraceful.

- l should tell him so, too, if l saw him. - Well, go on, tell me.

Er... you mean that...

l was their previous instructor, Herr Muller.

Oh, well, er...

Well, maybe my judgement was a little hasty, but, er...

lt's not always safe to go on first impressions, is it?

On the contrary, Herr Muller. l think it is.

Ah, good news for you, Schmidt, my experiment...

Herr Muller, Professor Hoffman.

Did you say "Hoffman"?

- Pleased to meet you, mein Herr. - lt's mutual.

Yes, the final tests were a complete success.

- Has General von Goltz arrived yet? - This morning.

l'll arrange a meeting for you as soon as possible.

l hear that you've been at work in England, Herr Muller.

Tell me, how are things over there?

- Oh, fine, fine. - Huh?

- Well, from our point of view, of course. - Oh, quite.

l'm sure the British people are longing for the day

when our beloved Führer will set foot in Britain to liberate them.

Oh, yes, you bet they are.

They will give him a warm welcome, you think?

- The warmest he's ever had in his life. - Splendid, splendid.

Tell me, how have things been going over here?

Well, l'm afraid you'll find things have changed greatly in Germany, Herr Muller.

Only four ration tickets a month for alcohol.

You mean to tell me you've got to have ration tickets for drinks now?

Just one small glass of lager a week.

- Oh, that makes it rather difficult. - Eh?

l mean difficult if one wanted a good old-fashioned drinking bout.

l'm afraid those days have gone forever.

Well, perhaps, perhaps not.

l say, if l... if l could get hold of a few extra ration tickets,

would you care to join me this evening for a little drink or two?

l should be delighted, Herr Muller, but how?

You leave that to me.

l'm thinking of giving my class some special instruction this afternoon

- in pontoon. - Ah, bridge building.

Not quite, no.

No, it could be a little more profitable than that.

Well, shall we say eight o'clock tonight at the Golden Eagle?

Splendid. Splendid!

THE GOLDEN EAGLE

Same again.

l've never seen so many ration tickets in my life.

Where did you get them?

Oh, Crown and Anchor, poker, pontoon,

You want to find out about my secret weapon,

my gas fire bomb.

- "Gas fire"? - That's right.

Burns as it bursts as it blisters.

Come along, Rudi, your most secret secret.

l haven't many secrets worth mentioning,

except l'm a British spy.

ln my opinion, there's something terribly wrong...

- Yes? - ...with the Führer's face.

(Chuckles)

Well, you can't blame him for that. He was born with it.

Yes, but he wasn't born with that...

...that ridiculous moustache.

(Hiccups)

(Hiccups)

(♪ Band plays dance music)

Good old Muller.

Oops!

Hey!

Ooh...

- (Belches) Ooh! - Pardon?

Granted.

(Snoring)

Hey, where am l?

You're at the Golden Eagle. Shh!

Oh, yes, what happened?

- You passed out last night. - Oh, l feel terrible.

Shut up. Come on, get over here.

Oh, ooh...

Oh, dear.

Oh... my head!

You're lucky you've got a head after last night.

- Why, is anything wrong? - Oh, no.

You only told Hoffman that you're a British spy, that's all.

A British...! As though l'd say such a thing!

- You did. l heard you myself. - All right, don't shout at me.

Wait a minute, it's coming back.

Blimey, you're right! l did. What do we do now?

Well, there's just a chance he won't remember.

He was even more drunk than you were, thank goodness.

Otherwise he'd have had you arrested on the spot.

Suppose, er... suppose he does remember?

Well, say it was a joke.

- And give him this for his hangover. - l think l'll take it for mine.

Stop! lt's arsenic.

l don't mind arsenic... "Arsenic"?

Well, we can't let him stay alive if he does remember.

l couldn't poison the old boy. We swore the oath of eternal brotherhood.

- Do you want your head chopped off? - No.

- Come on then. - lt's all very well for you...

lt's either his life or yours, which is it to be?

- His. - Very well.

(Whining) Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my head!

Oh, never mind, never mind.

Come on. Put it under the cold water tap.

That's the best thing for that. You'll soon be all right.

There we are.

l'll bet you don't feel much like waltzing this morning, do you?

Waltzing? Why should l?

Well, you were waltzing like a two-year-old last night.

- Was l? Are you sure? - Quite.

You mean to say that you've forgotten all about our little party?

My mind is a complete blank.

Oh, fine! l mean, that's funny!

(Clears throat)

Wait though, it's beginning to come back to me.

Oh!

l seem to recollect that we swore the oath of eternal brotherhood,

confided our innermost secrets to one another.

- Yes? - Yes! Our innermost secrets.

Yes, it's all coming back to me.

Confessions!

- Confessions? - Yes, criminal confessions.

Words were uttered last night, Herr Muller, dangerous words.

Words that should never have been spoken.

Here, drink this. lt's a little pick-me-up.

l... l dared to cast aspersions upon our beloved Führer's moustache.

Oh!

Oh, is that all that's worrying you?

- l am a blasphemer, a vile blasphemer. - Hey, hey...

Vile blasphemers don't deserve pick-me-ups.

- His Excellency, General von Goltz. - So!

l have run you to earth at last, Herr Professor.

Our appointment was for exactly one hour ago.

My time is valuable. How dare you keep me waiting?

l'm extremely sorry, Excellency,

but may l present my colleague Herr Rudolph Muller from England?

What... you?

Yes, me.

Not the Rudolph Muller

of whom our friend Hermann speaks in such glowing terms?

- Hermann? - Hermann Göring.

Oh, Hermann. Oh... oh, yes. Stout fellow, Hermann, isn't he?

- Very stout. - l, er... l had no idea.

Yesterday at the station...

Herr Muller, l owe you my deepest apologies.

- Apologies? - Oh, yes, yes.

His Excellency rather put his foot on it... l mean in it, at the station yesterday.

- No after-effects, l trust? - Oh, no, none at all.

We must have a jolly good laugh about it

next time we meet at dear old slap-happy Hermann's.

Well, l must be going now. Goodbye.

See you later, Siggy.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

- Where is Herr Muller? - He is late, Herr Schmidt.

Evidently.

- Does anyone know what's detained him? - Yes, Herr Schmidt.

- Last night, Herr Muller was drunk. - "Drunk"?

Yes, Herr Schmidt, in public.

At the Golden Eagle, with a Herr Professor Hoffman.

With Professor Hoffman?

lndeed.

Very well, until Herr Muller arrives, l will conduct the class myself.

Go back to your places.

(Coughing)

Oh, er... good morning, Herr Schmidt.

Good morning, Herr Muller.

During your absence, l have been forced to supervise your class.

You are twenty-five minutes late.

Yes, as a matter of fact l... l had a rather thick night.

l mean, l was out in the fog, and l sort of lost my bearings.

- With Professor Hoffman, l believe. - Er...

Er, yes. Yes, that's right.

l trust neither of you feel the worse for it this morning?

Oh, no. No. Nor does General von Goltz.

- General von Goltz? He was with you? - Oh, yes. Yes, l just left him.

Nice fellow, isn't he?

Not a bad General either, generally speaking.

Anything else before you go, Herr Schmidt?

Morning!

Good for old Muller, eh, Krauss?

Now, gentlemen, what is the subject this morning?

Er... sabotage.

Now, can any of you name a good way of committing sabotage?

- Dam and blast. - What did you say?

You put dynamite under a dam, and then blast it, sir.

Oh, yes, yes, l see what you mean.

But where would you get the dynamite?

Remember, you're in the enemy's country.

l'd manufacture it myself, sir.

Oh, if you knew what it was made of, which you don't.

- No, l'm afraid l don't, sir. - l do, sir.

Yes, you would.

Gelatine dynamite consists of nitro-glycerine 75 per cent,

nitrocellulose 6 per cent, potassium nitrate 1 6 per cent,

with small quantities of wood meal and chalk.

Oh... Yes, that's true, that's one way of making it, of course.

lt is the only way, sir, according to Professor Hoffman.

Er... Professor Hoffman?

Yes, sir, l studied explosives under him for the whole of last year.

- Oh, really? - Yes, sir.

Oh!

That would be in the research laboratory, wouldn't it?

- Yes, sir. - Yes... (Clears throat)

Well, now, gentlemen,

if we want to sabotage machinery in a factory,

before we can make it break down by breaking it up,

we've got to start by, er... breaking in.

Now, supposing, for instance, we wanted to break into, say...

er... well, where shall we say?

Well, let's say the research laboratory.

Now, er, Krauss,

how would you set about that?

l should have one big difficulty to overcome, sir.

Since the war, the entire laboratory is surrounded by an electrified barrier,

through which a charge of 2,000 volts passes continually.

Oh! Oh, that makes it awkward, doesn't it?

How would l...

How would you deal with that little obstacle?

l should secure a pair of wire cutters, sir,

and a pair of rubber gloves.

Wire cutters and rubber gloves...

Yes?

And then, sir, l...

What time of the day is this, sir?

Not day, night, so the building will be empty.

lt never is empty, sir.

Professor Hoffman and his staff often work all night,

and there are guards who patrol the corridors continually.

Well, l shall have to risk that. Er... you will, l mean.

Proceed.

Well, sir, armed with my wire cutters and rubber gloves,

l should approach the building under cover of darkness

and make my way towards the electrified barrier.

The time would be, say, a few minutes before midnight.

SURROGATE

- (Clattering) - Hey!

What's going on out there? Put out that light!

Close that window. Who's down there?

What are you trying to do, attract the British air force?

(Rector) How dare you? This is the rector.

(Guard) That makes no diff... the rector?

Oh, l beg your pardon, Herr Rector.

Hey! What the... Who put out those lights?

What's happened? Who's there? ls that you?

What the...?

Yes, l quite agree, my dear Vogel.

At the same time, l feel l should like to give it one final test

before the demonstration.

You see, l want to time the loss of thermal efficiency

from the moment of combustion to that of gas expulsion.

l doubt if we shall find any appreciable diminution.

A drop from 2,000 degrees to 1 ,950 at the most,

so that will still leave us well on the right side, mmh?

(Vogel) Yes, indeed, Herr Professor.

Yes. Just get me a specimen, will you?

Yes, Herr Professor.

Ah, thank you.

Beautiful.

You know, it hurts me to explode even one.

- Like killing one's own child, eh, Vogel? - Yes, Herr Professor.

However, l have quite a large family.

Beautiful.

Well, l must get to work. l shall need my asbestos suit.

With this now composition, the heat will be intensified.

Yes, Herr Professor.

Ah, thanks.

You'd better put yours on, too.

- Yes, Herr Professor. - Wait!

Better not on second thoughts.

l shall want you to note down the times as l signal.

- As you wish, Herr Professor. - Just help me into this, will you?

Yes, that's better.

Now the helmet. Make sure it's well fastened.

Yes, indeed, Herr Professor.

Get every light in the building on. He mustn't get away.

Right.

(Alarm bell rings)

- What's that? - l'll see what it is, Herr Professor.

The place has been broken into. Have you seen anyone?

- Not in here. - Through there.

- See him? - No.

Well, he can't be on this floor. You three search upstairs.

We'll go on down and cut off any chance of escape.

- Who was that? - Who was who?

ln the suit like this one. Nearly got in with us.

- lsn't he one of your people? - No.

Quick! You get out, block the stairs.

Quickly!

He's wearing an asbestos suit. Spread out.

You two come with me.

Come on.

There he goes in the lift. Downstairs.

There he is. Come on!

No! No, no, no! That is not the man.

That is Herr Professor Hoffman.

(All shouting)

Stop! Stop! That is Herr Professor...

No, no, no, that's the man...

That is Herr Professor...

Professor Hoffman!

l kept telling you it was the Herr Professor.

Oh!

Separate! You go that way. Follow me.

You three search this block. l'll call Herr Schmidt.

Phew!

- Good evening, Herr Muller. - Good evening.

- You look hot, sir. - Er, yes, l've been in a hot corner.

l... l mean, l've been sitting in a corner by a hot radiator.

- Won't you sit down, sir? - Oh, thank you, yes.

Sorry we can't offer you a drink, but l'm afraid you have all our ration tickets.

Er, was there something you wanted to see us about, sir?

Er... no, no,

l thought l'd just slip in and see how you're getting on with your studies.

Oh, quite well, thank you, sir.

We, er...

We've been practising the spreading of rumours.

- The spreading of rumours? - Yes, sir. Alarm and despondency.

Oh, l see, yes.

And l think l've found one alarming enough to, er... to frighten even you, sir.

- Oh, really? - Yes, sir.

- Huh. - May l try it on you, sir?

Certainly, yes, yes. Go ahead.

Right.

Here in this very university

is a secret agent who's working for the British.

- What? - Yes.

How do you know?

l had it in strict confidence from Herr Schmidt himself.

Schmidt? Good heavens!

The research laboratory has been broken into.

The criminal has escaped but is believed to be somewhere in the university.

- Have you seen or heard anything? - Herr Muller did...

Er... no, no, nothing at all.

As a matter of fact, we've all been sitting here quietly studying for the...

oh, for the last... two hours, haven't we?

That's not true, Herr Muller.

Er... oh.

l distinctly remember your arriving as the clock struck nine.

lt's 1 2:30 now, which means you've been here three and a half hours.

Oh, yes, yes, so it does.

l'm sorry we can be of no help to you, Herr Schmidt.

l do hope you catch your criminal, Herr Schmidt.

Rest assured, l shall.

- Goodnight, Herr Muller. - Good... goodnight.

(Sighs)

Well, it's lucky for you you happened to dodge in here.

You wouldn't have found anyone else in the university

to give you a cast-iron alibi.

- Alibi? - lt's time we put our cards on the table.

You're working for the British!

- But l... - We want to work for the British, too!

We hate the Nazis. We're Austrians. Hitler has made slaves of our people.

You can rely on us. So come clean.

Well, if ever there was a case of beginner's luck...

But, l say, if you hate the Nazis so much, why are you being trained as Nazi spies?

lt's the easiest way to get to England, Herr Muller.

Oh, l see. Yes.

- By the way, l'm not Herr Muller. - What?

No, my name's Potts.

Muller was arrested in England by military intelligence

and they sent me over here to take his place because l look exactly like him.

So that accounts for the amateurish way you've been going about it.

- "Amateurish"? - Yes.

What do you mean, "amateurish"?

l got what l came after. And there it is.

The last word in bombs.

Hitler's secret weapon.

Burns as it bursts as it blisters.

- Not this one, l'm afraid. - What do you mean?

Well, it's just an empty case. There's nothing in it.

Let me have a look.

Strewth.

Last night, between the hours of 1 2 midnight and one o'clock,

a criminal attempt, fortunately unsuccessful,

was made on a certain objective

in the research laboratory of this university.

Herr Schmidt, you may open the proceedings.

This sock filled with sand

was used to assault the guards at the laboratory.

This, its fellow sock, was found stuffed up your chimney, Herr Muller!

Absolute nonsense! Er... the whole thing's a plant!

Stuffed up my chimney!

Well, who put it there? You did! You put it there!

Well, take it away and stuff it up your own chimney!

You deny that these socks are yours? You've never seen them before?

l have not! l've never seen them before in my life!

These socks, Herr Muller, were woven from British wool.

You have recently returned from Great Britain.

- Well, l... - Furthermore,

several pairs of identical socks

were discovered in your room.

Oh.

l think, Herr Rector, l have proved the ownership of the socks

beyond any possible doubt.

Now, you three.

Do you deny that you deliberately conspired last night

to provide Herr Muller with an alibi?

Come, answer me! Do you deny it?

- No, sir! - So, you admit your complicity.

Certainly, sir.

We are respectfully grateful to be allowed a small share of the credit.

- "Credit"? - Yes, sir. Credit.

Shall l explain, Herr Muller, or will you?

Er, well...

l think you'd better explain.

- Have l your permission, Herr Rector? - You may proceed, my boy.

When Gestapo Headquarters ordered Herr Muller to report to this university,

they informed him confidentially that they'd received disturbing reports

of Herr Schmidt's laziness and incompetence,

and therefore ordered Herr Muller to put Herr Schmidt to a practical test.

This he did last night.

Last night, Herr Schmidt was tested and found wanting.

- Herr Rector, l refuse to submit to this! - Silence!

- Proceed. - l repeat, was tested and found wanting.

Herr Muller broke into the laboratory in the most childish way imaginable,

and although outnumbered by at least ten to one,

succeeded in snatching secrets vital to our war effort

under the very noses of Herr Schmidt's guards.

ls this true, Herr Muller?

Certainly, Herr Rector!

This man is a lazy, incompetent good-for-nothing!

Why, he's not fit to guard a dog kennel,

let alone the priceless invention of my dear friend Siggy,

er, l mean Professor Hoffman.

Herr Schmidt, have you anything to say in your own defence?

Herr Muller's story is corroborated merely by the word

of three irresponsible schoolboys!

l question their veracity from start to finish!

Well, Herr Muller, can you produce any further support for your statement?

Well, l, er... erm...

Yes. Yes, definitely, l can.

You see, l took Professor Hoffman completely into my confidence.

We discussed the whole scheme... the night before last

down at the, er, at the Golden Eagle.

Didn't we, er, didn't we, Siggy?

Amongst, er, other things.

- (Rector) ls that so, Herr Professor? - l...

Er, definitely, Herr Rector, definitely.

Ah, well, l think that settles the matter.

- lt's a lie! - lt's the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help me Goebbels!

Herr Schmidt, you are hereby placed under close arrest.

Guards, remove the prisoner!

- Herr Rector, l... - Ba-ba-ba!

This enquiry is now closed.

Herr Muller, you are to be warmly commended for your patriotic zeal.

Oh, nothing at all, nothing at all.

Could l have my socks back now?

My dear Rudi, if only you'd reminded me before.

l had no idea you'd told me all about it.

Ah, l'm glad you hadn't.

By the way, l think in future, as a little precaution,

l ought to take care of your invention myself.

Ah, thanks, my dear Rudi, but that is not necessary.

lt is in the safe custody of General von Goltz,

who is taking it direct to the Führer.

- To the Führer? - On the 1 1 :25 train.

1 1 :25?

DESTlNATlON

- There he is! - Where?

There, with his ADC.

- All ready. - Right.

- l don't see any bomb. - What's that the ADC's carrying?

- A sort of metal canister. - You bet it's in that.

- That's the bomb all right. - lt's handcuffed to his wrist.

- Well, what do we do now? - (Whistle blows)

Never mind what, come on!

Hey, hey, steady on, steady on. Well, we're on the train. What do we do now?

- We get into the special coach. - What then?

We get the ADC away from von Goltz and the bomb away from the ADC.

- Yeah, but how do we do that? - You do the first, we'll do the second.

More trouble. There's a guard in the corridor.

That's all right, we've all got tickets, haven't we?

- Not railway guard, Gestapo! - Oh.

You'll need more than a ticket to get past him.

l see, a little more socking, eh? Well, look, you wait in there.

- What are you doing in here? - l was, erm...

- l was looking for the restaurant car. - Bit early for lunch, aren't you?

Well, as a matter of fact, l'm late for breakfast.

However, it's quite all...

- Why, Muller! - Ah!

- l had no idea you were on this train. - No, it's a small world, isn't it?

You didn't tell me you were travelling.

No, no, it was... a rather sudden call.

Very urgent, too. l've got to go to Berlin to see the Führer.

Really? My dear fellow, you must travel with us!

Oh, thank you, Excellency, thank you. (Sniffs) Yes.

Oh. l didn't know you had company.

You and l are not the only ones to be summoned to Berlin.

Herr Muller, members of the General Staff.

- Yes... Oh, the General Staff? - Yes.

Herr Muller has just returned from distinguished service in England.

As an expert on wartime conditions there,

l feel he can be of the greatest help to us.

Oh, anything l can do, of course, but what's it all about?

Herr Muller, tonight we are to place before the Führer

a scheme of operations for the supreme moment of the war.

- The invasion of the British lsles. - Yes...

- The invasion? - We've only been waiting

for the completion of Professor Hoffman's excellent little weapon.

We shall use it in large quantities

as the spearhead of the attack.

l see. And, er, you want me to give you any information l can

to help with the invasion, is that it?

lf you will be so good, Herr Muller.

Yes, l shall only be too pleased.

But, er... there are some things l'm going to tell you

which are not for the ears of, er, junior officers.

Quite. Captain von Stahl, you may not remain.

Very good, Excellency.

One moment. Leave the padlock key with me.

- One can't be too careful, can one? - One can.

- Huh? - Er, no, no, one can't.

Now, gentlemen, to business.

The general plan is as follows.

We shall make...

Oh. We shall make landings at four vital points.

Here, here,

here and, er...

...and here.

l think that puts me in a very good position.

- Right, well, l don't. - Huh?

No, l can put you in a much more favourable position.

That's better. Now, l should attack from here, here, here

and, er, and here.

- You think that is better? - Much better.

Hmm. Very interesting suggestion.

- But l am yet to be convinced. - Oh.

Erm, can you...

Can you show us how you would develop such an attack?

Er, certainly, yes. Now, erm, l should, er...

- Won't you sit down? - Oh, thank you.

Er, here.

(Sniffs) Oh, yes, right.

Well, now, er, let me see.

l think first of all, make a three-pronged thrust from here, here and here.

- Hear, hear. - Good idea.

Er, yes.

Then l should make a double pincer movement from there to there.

- To mop up any pockets of resistance. - Exactly, yes.

- With Panzers, of course. - No, with pincers.

Er, the general means a pincer movement executed by Panzers.

Oh, l see, yes. You mean a pincer Panzer movement.

- l mean a Panzer pincer movement. - Oh, quite.

- Right. - So your grand strategy

is to drive a wedge across the whole island from east to west.

Yes, say, from Kent to the Trent.

ln other words, an attack with tanks on both flanks.

- Yes, in Lincs and Lancs. - Thanks.

And how will you meet the counterattack, say, from Bucks?

Well, l should rely on the paratroops to tie them up in, er, in Notts.

Do you think the British will apply the scorched earth policy in the north?

ln the north?

l mean will they destroy Tyneside and strip Tees?

"Striptease"?

Well, if they did, l should make a lightning delivery from the Wash

- and push them back into Beds. - Hmm.

And do you anticipate much difficulty in containing the Scotch?

Oh, no, no. l should be able to swallow the Scotch quite easily.

- (All laugh) - Well, er, yes.

Then your first objective would be to destroy the Forth Bridge.

Oh, yes, yes, the Forth Bridge would be destroyed by the fifth column.

By then, the English law will be at sixes and sevens.

Oh, talking about sevens, you want to look out for the Severn Tunnel.

- That's a bit of a snag. - What troops are defending it?

- Er, the Marines. - "Marines"?

- Yes. - They're no match for a Panzer division.

- These are. They're mechanised. - "Mechanised"?

- Yes, they used to be the horse-marines. - (Knock at door)

- Come in. - You'll pardon me, Excellencies.

l have to announce a slight alteration in travelling arrangements.

- "Alteration"? What is it? - Quite unavoidable, Excellency.

- The line is blocked a little further on. - "Blocked"? By what?

- The British Air Force, Excellency. - Hamm, l suppose.

- Yes. - Strafe the RAF!

Yes, l understand they have rather grilled Hamm.

But your Excellencies will find transport at the next station

to take you to the airport. l trust that will suit your Excellencies.

Very well. l am satisfied. And you?

- Quite. - Thank you, Excellencies.

Oh, well, in view of that, l think l'll be running along

to attend to my luggage and so on. lf you'll excuse me.

- Of course. - Yes.

Oh, don't forgot what l told you about the Severn Tunnel.

l'd hate you to be caught with your Panzers down in there.

You have been a time.

Oh, it's you! l say, here, what's happened?

- Where are the others? - Down here.

- Hey, what's... - We got him but we can't get this open.

- Here's the key. Old whatshisname had it. - Good work, sir!

Help! Help! Help! Help!

- That's von Stahl's voice! - (Von Stahl) Help!

- What's happened? - ln here, Excellency!

(Clanging)

Herr Oberst. Herr Oberst. The train is coming, Herr Oberst.

Right. Hans! ls the Herr General's car ready?

- Yes, Herr Oberst. - And the plane for Berlin?

- Yes, Herr Oberst. - Good.

(All) Heil Hitler!

There is a car here, Your Excellency, to take you to the airport.

- Good! - There is plenty of time.

Oh, no, there isn't. You get me there as quick as you can.

Very good. This way, Your Excellency.

We can't waste any more time.

Yes, go on, start the bedtime story.

- Yeah, but suppose he doesn't swallow it. - You're a general, aren't you?

Well, yes, l suppose l am.

Then he'll have to do as he's told. Go on!

Er, l've got new orders for you.

Oh, l see, yes. Yes.

l've got new orders for you.

- You must alter course for England. - England?

- Yes. - But Your Excellency, l do not understand.

l think he's to be trusted, Excellency.

Er, oh, yes, yes, l quite agree.

Yes, obviously a man of intelligence and discretion.

You're going to have the privilege of enjoying our confidence.

Thank you, Excellency.

l'm proceeding to England as the personal envoy of our beloved Führer.

Reduced to starvation by our blockade

and to desperation by the onslaughts of our glorious Luftwaffe,

the British have sued for peace on any terms.

- No! - Yes.

- l cannot bring myself to believe it. - Oh.

That a humble pilot like myself should be singled out

to take part in this historic mission.

Well, whether you believe it or not, it's true.

l will set our course for England, Excellency.

- Sieg Heil! - Sieg Heil!

(All) Ohh!

- Excuse me, Excellency. - Yes, what is it?

Which British airport am l to make for?

Er, er, Croydon.

We can get a tram from there.

And the landing signals, Excellency?

Landing signals... Er, landing signals, oh, yes.

Er... Yeah, l think one of my staff has them.

l'll ask him. Just a moment.

That's torn it. l never thought about landing signals. Now what do we do?

- We can turn to radio and ask for them. - That'd give the whole game away!

- Of course it would. - He'd know we'd played a trick on him.

l mean, if they were really expecting us,

they'd have made the proper arrangements.

They'd have given us the landing signals before we started.

l'll say we've lost them and he must land without them.

You don't think he'd fall for that, do you?

Yeah, these Germans will fall for anything.

Put up your hands!

And keep them up if you want no trouble.

You should've realised, Excellency,

that the intercommunications system is somewhat extensive.

We shall return to the airport where l shall have great pleasure

in handing you over to the tender mercies of the Gestapo!

- (Gunshot) - Nice work, Kurt!

- All right! - Argh!

(Potts) Get out of it!

- Get out of it! - (Pilot groans)

Argh! Argh!

Argh!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

l'm falling through! Max!

Max! Slipping! l'm slipping!

- l'm coming, l'm coming! - Slipping! l'm slipping!

Hold on! Hold on!

Come on!

(Potts) Come on! l'm going!

l'm going! l'm going!

Who opened that cellar door? Where is he? Let me get at him!

Where is he? Where is he?

- Hold him off, boys! l'm going out! - Hold on, Kurt!

You've got him this time.

- Now you've done it! - Done what?

- You've knocked him out! - Jolly good job, too!

- Yes, and who's going to fly the plane? - He is. Blimey!

(All shout)

Come on, we've got to wake him up! Wake up! Wake up!

- Hey, come on, wake up! - Wake up!

- Wake up! - Wake up there! Wake up!

Oh.

O for Otto. Over to you.

Never mind about Otto, pull yourself together!

- Quick! Take the controls! - Who, me?

- Yes! Yes, go on! - l don't know the first thing about it!

Quick! l'll give you directions.

- We'll pass them on to you. Go on, hurry! - Hurry up!

(All shout)

Hurry!

Well, what do l do first?

What's the first thing to do?

Pull back... on the stick.

- Pull back on the stick! - Back?

- Too much. Too much! - No, no, the other way!

Say what you mean, will you?

(All scream)

(All scream)

No, back a bit!

Oh, make up your mind!

Lever to the right.

- Lever to your right! - Lever to my right?

Oh, l see.

- Right. - Ohh!

Donnerwetter! Schweinehund!

Gott strafe England!

- How am l doing? - Oh, fine.

- You just dropped the pilot. - Good!

What? Strewth!

Argh!

(Potts) Argh!

- Get up! - l can't get up!

- Oh! - Get to the controls!

All right, don't worry. Don't worry. l think l've got the hang of this now.

What's happened?

l thought you said you'd got the hang of this.

Hey, look! We're upside down!

We're what? Now you've done it. We're properly in the soup.

Well, l can't learn to fly in half a minute, can l?

Don't start arguing! Let's get the thing right way up!

All right, all right! Wait a minute. l'll get... Yeah, but how?

Well, whatever you did before, do the opposite.

Well, l don't know what's the opposite from what now we're all upside down!

Here, wait a minute. lf you were upside down, as well, you could.

- We'll hoist you into position. - What?

- Yes, come on. - No, you don't!

- Come on, boys. - No, you don't!

Are you ready? One, two, three, heave!

- Heave! Heave! - Up we go! And again.

Go on!

- Go on, Kurt, put a strap round him. - Yes, l've got it.

- Now then, can you reach? - "Reach"?

- Yes. - l'm liable to any minute.

Go on, try and turn it over.

Turn it over? Right.

(All scream)

- Oh! Try something else! - Eh?

- Try something else! - Yeah, but what?

- Try anything! - Try everything!

- All right, how's this? - (All scream)

Whoa! Whoa! Argh!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

- Oh, l feel awful. - Yes, you look awful.

- Hey, what's the sea doing up there? - lt isn't up, it's down.

Yeah, well, it looks up to me.

Ah, there's the English coast.

lt may be the French coast for all you know.

Yes, or the Dutch or the Danish or anything!

Lumme, l know my own coast when l see it.

Look, there's Beachy Head!

Well, boys, we're over England. Or England's over us. l don't know which.

(Kurt) Look out! (Hans) Pull her up! Pull her up!

(Max) Quick! We're going to crash! (Potts) Argh!

(Kurt) Up! Up more! Up!

German reconnaissance plane flying inland.

North-easterly direction, 500 feet.

Blimey, this bloke's flying upside down.

He's flying upside down!

Good old England. Now you'll see what a welcome we'll get.

Especially when we hand over that bomb.

There you are! What did l tell you?

They're giving us a salute! Firing the guns for us!

Don't be silly, you mean they're f-f-firing at us!

- lt's flack! - Flack? Who's he?

- Anti-aircraft! - Anti-aircraft. Yeah.

Oh, you mean ack-ack. Yes.

Ack-ack?

(All scream)

Ooh!

Well, l'm blowed, we're the right way up!

Blowed is right. lt's the blast that did it.

- (Gunfire) - Hey! Hey!

- They'll get us the next time. - Stop that!

- Ooh! - l know! We'll hoist the white flag.

- We haven't got a white flag. - We soon will have.

- Shirts off, everybody. Come on. - "Shirts"?

Look, sir.

Cease fire!

They've seen them! They've stopped firing!

- You're sure they're fixed? - Yes.

We've done it! We've done it! They've ceased firing!

- Good. - Now all we've got to do is land.

- Yes, but how? - Oh, it's easy. You leave it to me.

lt'll be one of these knobs. There's a lot l haven't tried yet.

lf that's the way you're going to do it, we'll bail out. Find the parachutes.

- Oh, shut that window, there's a draught. - You're telling me!

- lt won't stay shut! - Hey, l can only find one.

- What? - lf there's only one, we'll draw lots.

Oh, no, no, l might lose. l mean, we might lose touch with each other.

No, l'll wear it and you three hang on to my legs.

Oh, no, you don't! l'll wear it and you can hang on to my legs.

- Oh, no, you don't! - Oh, yes, l do! Give it to me!

Ooh, look at this! Hey, hey, give me that parachute!

(All shout)

Shut that window! Try and get it folded.

(Max) Go on! (Potts) Wait a minute!

(Potts) Hold on, l've got something!

(Hans) Look out!

Ah, got you out of that all right, didn't l?

Well, now get us out of this.

Hold on!

- That was a close shave. - Oh, it's easy when you know how.

(Both scream)

Hey! Hey, we're going down on the up-line!

- Look! - (Train whistle blows)

- Pull back hard! - Right.

Ow! Let go of my leg!

- The sooner we bail out, the better. - What with, this?

- Look! - (Potts screams)

- Balloon barrage! - Cor, Lumme, this is the finish now!

- Steer clear! - (All scream)

- Higher! Higher! - l'm doing all l can!

How many more are there?

- Look out, you're going to get a cable! - Who from?

- Ohh! - Whoa!

That's the last of the balloons. You can flatten out now.

- Right. - Well, hurry up!

l... l can't. l can't! The stick's stuck!

- lt's what? - Stuck?

- lt can't be! - lt is! lt won't budge! Look!

- Go on, push it! - l'm pushing as hard as l can!

- Well, come on, boys. Lend a hand! - Harder!

We're up to 5,000 metres already!

- Well, how much is that in miles? - Miles? lt's not miles at all.

- lt's about 1 5,000 feet. - Oh, 1 5,000 feet.

"1 5,000 feet"? Blimey! Push! Shove on it!

Well, what goes up must come down.

Yes, but we're not going down, we're still going up. Look!

(Hans) 6,000 metres.

Hey, stop b-b-breathing on the windows, l can't see where l'm g-g-going!

lt's not b-b-breath, it's frost!

- lt's t-t-t-terribly cold. - Go get the coats.

Hey, how high do we have to go before we f-f-freeze to d-d-death?

Ab-b-b-bout 30,000 f-f-feet, l should think.

That's about 1 0,000 m-m-metres.

(All scream)

- Now you can pull her out of the d-d-ive. - Right.

l... l can't! lt's stuck the other way now!

- Go on, pull it! Pull it! - All together!

(Max) Look! 6,000 metres!

That means we've dropped to 20,000 feet!

What?

- 1 8,000! - 1 6,000!

- 14,000! - Wait a minute, how fast are we falling?

- (Kurt) A lot too fast! - How long have we got?

- (Hans) Less than a minute! - What? Blimey! Pull! Come on, pull!

We're doing it! We're doing it! We've done it!

Yes, you have done it! You've pulled it out altogether!

l've got no control over the plane at all now!

(Kurt) Look! There's a town!

lt's London! We're home!

Don't look now, boys, but l think this is Big Ben.

(All scream)

lt was. lt's right, too.

- Crash coming! - This is it!

What the...?

- Great Scot! - Blimey, we're alive!

- lt's Potts! - Good heavens!

- l thought it was a bomb. - lt is a bomb! There it is.

Burns as it bursts as it blisters.

- O for Otto, over to you! - Look out!

- Look out! - (All scream)