All language subtitles for The.Ghost.And.Mr..Chicken.1966.1080p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AG]ENG

Ow!

Oh, murder!
Oh, murder!

Murder! Help!
A man's gettin' murdered!

Murder! Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

It's Calver Weems! He's dead!
He's been murdered!

Oh, don't panic!
Don't panic!

Oh, Luther, Luther,
it was terrible!

He was walking along
the street, when bang!

Right on the head.
With that.

Did you see
who did it?

No. It was just bang!

Right on the head!
With that!

I'll get a picture
of it. Let's see.

F-32. And it's dark.
It's been raining.

And... Oh, for heaven sakes,
stand back, Susanna!

Stand back!
Get out of the way!

And for heaven sakes, don't touch
anything. This is all evidence.

He was just walking down
the street, when bang!

Right on the head!

All right. I'll get a picture
of the murder weapon.

Bang!
Right on the head!

I was just getting ready to brush my
teeth and watch Lawrence Welk,

when I looked out
the window and bang!

For heaven sakes, Susanna!
Pull yourself together!

I'm going down to
the police station.

You get on the phone
and call my editor.

- Who?
- George Beckett!

Tell him to get down to the police
station as soon as possible.

And for heaven sakes,
whatever you do, keep your head!

I don't want to
stay here by myself!

Well, I told you to get on the
phone and call my editor!

Now, go on!

Ahhh!

Hey, Heggs.
Wait a minute.

Ollie, what are you
doin' here?

The price tag on
your suit's hangin' out.

That's my press card,
and you know it.

Beckett called.
What's up?

I got a story!
That's what's up!

You just sit tight, little man.
If there's a story, I'll handle it.

Chief! You'd better get
somebody out

to the old Simmons mansion
right away!

A terrible thing happened!
I got the pictures and everything!

I was coming
down the street...

Now, wait a minute, Luther.
Just calm down. Give it to me nice and slow.

I was comin' down
the street...

- Too fast.
- Yeah, cool it, sport.

- What happened, Luther?
- Well, I was comin' down the street...

What's up?
Oh, Mr. Beckett, I'm glad...

I got this call
from Susanna Blush,

two-by-fours, Calver Weems,
Lawrence Welk...

Mr. Beckett,
I'm glad you're here.

I got a real scoop,
I got the pictures and everything.

I've been trying to get the story
from Walter Cronkite here,

- but he just won't give.
- What's this all about?

I don't know.
He's so keyed up.

Will somebody listen to me?

All right, Luther.
Just calm down.

Calm? Calm?

Do "murder" and "calm"
go together?

"Calm" and "murder"?

"Murder"?

- Murder?
- Murder!

Well, all right, Luther.
Let's hear it.

All right! Well, I was out
on Warren Harding Road,

and I passed the Simmons mansion when
all of a sudden I heard this scream.

- "Help! Help! Murder!"
- Murder?

Yeah, murder. Quick as a flash,
I whipped my Edsel around,

I sped back to the scene of
the crime, got out of the car,

and there it was.

Do I have to tell you how I felt
when I saw it laying there?

Saw what? The dead body
of Calver Weems.

He'd been bludgeoned
to death by a board.

I'd better get someone
out there right away.

Did you actually see
that happen?

No, Susanna Blush saw it.
She's an eyewitness.

Susanna Blush?

Yeah, Susanna Blush. Lives right across
the street. An eyewitness.

Was she out
on the street?

No, she saw it from an upstairs
window. Eyewitness, though.

You said that, sonny.
Did you get pictures of the body, Luther?

- Left, right, profile, head-on.
- Fine, fine.

You actually saw
the murder weapon, Luther?

Yeah, a two-by-four.
I got a picture of it.

Two-by-four?

- Yeah, a two-by-four!
- What's up?

Don't bother us now, Calver.
We got a murder on our ha...

Calver!

Calver, what are you
doing here? You're dead!

I knew it. I knew it.
I'm sorry, Chief.

But... I saw you
layin' there...

I want this drunk
thrown in the tank.

Throw me in the tank?

She's the one that hit me!
With a board that thick!

What are you tryin' to do?
Make a fool out of me?

You don't need
much help, scoop.

Put him in number
three, Edna June.

- But you're dead!
- I am not.

- I saw ya!
- You did not!

- You didn't. Didn't!
- Did! Did!

- Didn't! Didn't! Didn't!
- Did! Did! Did!

All right, you two.
That's enough.

- Come on, loved one.
- But...

But I got the pictures
and everything.

Luther, from now on,

let Ollie and me run the paper
and write the stories.

You just keep
setting the type. Hmm?

- But I was sure...
- Good night, Luther.

Nice work, scoop.

- Scoop!
- Yeah.

Calver looked so natural! I got to
get a new suit for the funeral.

Wonder who done him in?

I don't know. I can't wait to read
the morning paper and find out.

All right, you two guys.
You just better watch it.

You see these hands?
They're just as hard as steel.

Hey, look at him, Billy Ray.

He's a karate champion.
We better watch ourselves.

Go ahead, Luth.
Yeah, do something.

Why don't you run up
an alley and holler "fish"?

Wait. Then, all of a sudden,
in walks Calver Weems.

And Luther says to him,
"Cal, what are you doing here?

"You're dead!"

- We shouldn't laugh.
- We really shouldn't.

You know, he took a
close-up of a two-by-four.

Can you imagine that?

- Morning, everybody.
- Good morning, Luther.

Morning, scoop.

A person is never dead until their
pulse is stopped, Luther.

Mr. Ace Reporter, would you pass
the marmalade, please?

Lay off,
will ya, Ollie?

Oh, now, Ollie,
enough is enough.

I don't blame Luther
one iota.

If I'd seen someone laying in front
of that spooky old Simmons place,

I'd think he was dead, too.

It's a murder house.
I wouldn't go near there for $100.

I wouldn't go
near there for 200.

- Three hundred.
- Four.

- Five.
- Six.

Girls, girls, please.

Anyway, it's a murder house.

Murder and suicide.
Murder and suicide.

Well, thank the good Lord they're
finally tearing that place down.

- Tearing it down?
- Mmm-hmm.

Ephraigm Simmons's nephew
came to town two days ago.

- Nicholas!
- Nick!

Anyway, he's finally getting
the will probated.

I hear he's gonna
bulldoze it to the ground.

Didn't they question him about
that murder at the time?

Mmm-hmm.
He was cleared.

I never liked his eyes.
So dark.

- His eyes were blue.
- Dark eyes.

Girls, really.

All the Simmonses
had the Simmons eyes.

Oh. It's Alma, Ollie.

Hmm. Tell her
I'll be right out.

Good morning, Alma.

Oh, good morning,
Mrs. Miller!

He's still eating, Alma.
Why don't you come in for some coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.
I'll just stay out here and get some sun.

Oh. As you wish, dear.

Ooh! Love that print!

Thank you.
I got it at Belson's.

$3.95.

- She's an awful sweet girl.
- Yeah, she's a good kid.

My niece Malva bought
a print at Belson's.

It was red, and had yellow
flowers across the... The bosoms.

Uh... Would you excuse me
for just a minute?

You know,
I'll never understand

why old Mr. Simmons
murdered his wife.

Everyone knows
Ephraigm was crazy.

They all had cold eyes
with thin lids.

Toast, please, Ollie.

Mmm, sure.

- Hi, Luther!
- Oh! Hi, Alma.

I didn't hear you
come up.

Oh, well, I was just, uh...

Uh... How you doin'?

Fine. I just love
the sun, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I...

I've always
liked the sun.

Love your print.

Oh, thank you.

Mrs. Cobb's niece Malva bought
a print down at Belson's.

It's red with yellow flowers
across the...

Ooh! Boy, that sun really
beats down on a...

- Hi, Ollie!
- ...metal car.

Good morning, sugar.
Boy, you look like a million bucks.

Thank you!

Oh, Luther.
Calver Weems

said not to tell
anybody he's dead,

until he says so.

Oh, good morning, Bill.
Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Eileen.

My, oh, my,
what a lovely sweater.

You know, of all your sweaters,
I love this one the most.

Mr. Simmons is waiting,
Mr. Maxwell.

Hmm?
Oh, oh, yes.

Good morning, Nicholas.
Oh, I'm so sorry that I'm late.

But we had a séance
at the house last night,

and it ran on
until all hours.

It was a surprise seance for
Mrs. Maxwell. Her birthday, you know.

Don't tell me you believe
in that sort of thing, Milo.

Well, it means the world
and all to Mrs. Maxwell.

Did you sign the papers?
Is the title cleared?

The title?
Uh, the papers?

- Oh. Oh, oh, oh, the house, the house.
- Yes, the house.

Well, uh, no, no.
As a matter of fact, no.

But, uh, Delroy Flemming promises
to sign the quick deed today.

That'll be it, then?

Well, I sign after,
then that should finalize it.

I can get my bulldozers
in on Monday, then.

Well, now, I don't understand that,
Nicholas. Why bulldoze it down?

If you took it down
piece by piece,

you could sell some of
that beautiful woodwork.

Your uncle imported all
that hand-carved work.

That must be worth a fortune.

I haven't the time.
I've got to get back to Chicago.

Now, you're sure that I
can start on Monday, then?

Well, I... I foresee
no problems, Nicholas.

Good.

I don't know. You try and you try
and you try, and what do you get?

- Heartaches!
- Now wait a minute, Luther.

You didn't do so bad.
Your pictures turned out nice.

You had a good murder story
going there.

Only trouble was,
nobody got killed.

Oh, Mr. Boob.
That's me.

B-double-O-B,
boob!

You know why you thought
you saw a murder out there, Luther?

'Cause that's a murder house.

Oh, they can't tear it down
too soon for me, I'll tell you that.

Tear it down?
Who's tearing it down?

Nick Simmons.

But he can't do that
without the bank okaying it.

He doesn't have clear
title to that property.

The bank's got a lien on it.

Well, I guess he's getting
all that cleared up.

Oh. So he's back in town,
is he?

That's what they say.

Oh, Mr. News.
I need a three-inch item for a filler.

"Mr. News."

I'll fill him someday.

So little Nick is finally
getting his way, eh?

What did you say,
Mr. Kelsey?

You know, Luther,

I was working out there
at the time of the murder.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- I was the gardener.
- Is that right?

Young Mrs. Simmons was a
beautiful, beautiful woman.

Sparkling black eyes
and skin like alabaster.

The old man
was crazy jealous.

You know, Luther,

it was just 20 years ago
this week.

They were both
found dead.

- This week?
- They say what happened was this.

The two of them was in
the master bedroom arguin'.

He was in a jealous rage.
Suddenly he became violent.

Stabbed her
right in the throat.

They never did
find out what with.

Then he went
completely loco.

He ran up into the tower,
blood dripping from his hands,

and played that
pipe organ of his.

It was midnight, Luther,
and he sat there,

playin' and laughin' and
screamin' to beat the band.

When the music
reached its peak,

he suddenly jumped up and
threw himself out the window.

They say the ghost
of old man Simmons

still climbs the tower

and plays the organ
at midnight.

Luther!

Let's have that filler!

Well, me, I just don't happen
to believe in ghosts...

Particularly.

You know, Luther,
I got an idea

how you could write
a story for the paper.

- How?
- That filler.

I think folks'd be
interested in reading

about the Simmons
case again.

It bein' the 20th
anniversary and all.

You mean, write my own story
instead of using a standard filler?

Sure.

Do you think
I dare do that?

'Course you do.

- You know why?
- Huh?

'Cause you got spunk.

You... You know, I guess
I got that from my mother.

She had plenty of spunk.

All right.

Let's see.

It was just, uh,
20 years ago,

come this Tuesday

that the bodies of Mr. and
Mrs. Simmons were found.

Mr. Beckett!

Mr. Beckett.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. Maxwell.
- Oh, it's wonderful.

The whole town's
talking about it.

I mean, the article
on the Simmons mansion.

Absolutely delicious.

Well, thank you. I've had a lot
of nice comment about that.

You know, my group and
I have always felt

there's a very active spirit
life in that old house.

- You mean, spooks?
- Oh!

We prefer "manifestations."

Well, keep up the good work.
I must run.

Say, Ollie. Good reaction on that story
on the Simmons place. Do more on it.

Do more? I haven't done
anything on it yet.

Nick Simmons
won't even see me.

You mean,
you didn't write this?

No, this isn't mine.

My idea was the passing
of a landmark.

Well, if you didn't write it,
and I didn't write it, who did?

Um, do you know something
about this, Mr. Kelsey?

Oh, what was that,
Mr. Beckett?

I'm afraid I wasn't
following the conversation.

Oh. This.

Oh, the Luther Heggs story.

Luther!

I should have known
this was Luther's work.

Here, get this.

"The horribleness and the awfulness of
it will never actually be forgotten"?

You know, tomorrow night
is the 20th anniversary

of the murder
and suicide.

We ought to capitalize on it.
Do it with a fresh approach.

I think somebody ought to spend the
anniversary night in the house.

I've got an idea.

I think somebody ought to spend
the anniversary night in the house.

Hey, great!

Leave it to me.
I'll get in just a little before midnight...

No, no.
Not you, Ollie.

What we need is somebody with a...
A wild imagination.

Someone who's a bit
of a coward.

Someone who's a...
A little superstitious.

- Luther, you all right?
- I'm fine.

- Luther! Of course!
- But he can't write!

You'll help him.

- Uh, Luther?
- Oh, yes, sir?

Congratulations on that filler.
It was a great story.

Oh! Well, thank you. I... I was
hoping you wouldn't mind.

We're gonna do
a, uh, follow-up.

Front-page lead,
and you're going to write it.

A... A byline for me?
Oh, for gosh sakes!

Do you believe in ghosts?

Oh, you ought to know better
than to ask that, Chief.

- The supernatural doesn't bother you?
- Not a speck.

Uh, do haunted houses
scare you?

They're mortar,
stone and wood.

Well, good, because
you're gonna spend

the murder night in the
Simmons house. Alone.

Oh, well, now...

Uh, just a second.

What's the matter, Ace?
You scared?

Oh, well, heck, no.

You kiddin'?
It's just that I, uh,

got to check my bowling
schedule and everything.

Oh, well,

you think it over, Luther,
and let us know tomorrow.

This is a great chance
for you, Luther.

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you go out there
tonight and just look it over?

Yeah. Maybe
I'll do that.

I mean, after all,
it's only mortar...

Stone...

Stone...

And wood.

And wood.

Ahhh!

- Luther Heggs.
- Nicholas Simmons.

What are you doing
in front of my house?

What are you asking for it?

It's not for sale.
I'm tearing it down.

Oh, well, I guess
I'll just have to build.

Luther! Hi.

Oh, hi, Alma.

Oh, you, you going
to lunch?

No, just on my way in
to have lunch.

Going to have lunch, huh?
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, well...
What time is it?

Hmm? Oh, uh, 12 o'clock.

- Yeah, well, that's lunchtime, all right.
- Yes, it is.

Why don't we have
lunch together?

Oh, yeah!

- Okay.
- Oh, first...

I have to mail this
for Mr. Beckett right away.

I'll get us a booth and order for you.
What would you like?

Well...
Chicken noodle soup.

Okay, fine.
See you in a minute.

I'm having chicken
noodle soup with Alma!

Oh, well, this was
the only table left,

but this gentleman
is just about finished.

I'm almost up
to my Jell-O.

Oh. Oh, well.

Did you happen to see
yesterday's paper?

- Mmm-hmm.
- What did you think of it?

What do you mean?

The story on
the Simmons place.

Oh, yes,
I did see that.

That was mine.

Really?

Gee, I didn't know
you were a reporter.

I thought you were
just a typesetter.

Oh, well, no.
I am now,

yeah, but, I mean,
that's just background.

I'm working my way up.

Oh, I see.

I have a certificate from the Kansas
City Correspondence College

in journalism,
you know.

Rafe Henderson came
out of there, you know.

Oh.

Who's Rafe Henderson?

He's the one that covered
that famous dead whale story.

You know, where that whale washed up
on the beach in San Francisco?

Laid there
for three weeks. Ugh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh.

- Thank you.
- Uh, who gets the soup?

- Yours truly.
- Oh.

- Just put it right there.
- Okay.

Uh, can you manage?

Oh, sure.

Do you have
any more assignments?

Well, as a matter
of fact,

it's just possible that something
very big is about to break.

Don't mention this
to anybody.

I may do a follow-up
on the Simmons story.

Ooh.

They want me to spend tonight
in the Simmons house.

It's the 20th anniversary
of their murder/suicide, you know.

I know.

Gee, that's an exciting idea.

You know, even though most people
say they don't believe in ghosts,

it takes an awful lot of nerve to spend
the night in that spooky old place.

Mmm. Spunk.

Are you gonna do it?

Well...

Uh, aren't you through
with your Jell-O?

Hi, baby. Sorry I couldn't
have lunch with you.

Ollie, that's Luther's chair.

Oh, what's the word, Heggs?

You gonna spend the night in
the house or aren't you?

- Well, I...
- I'm giving two to one all over town

that you're not gonna do it,

and I'm not getting too
many takers either.

Well, I'll tell you
something, Ollie.

I'm afraid you're gonna
lose a lot of money!

Because come 11:30 tonight,
I'll be there!

Good-bye, Alma.
Put that on my tab.

You haven't got
a tab.

Luther.

Mr. Deligondo is
getting you his flashlight.

He'll, uh... He'll be here
in just a minute.

I was only two blocks away that
awful night at my sister Clara's.

We were sort of listening
to the organ, you know.

The midnight bells
were ringing.

I turned to Clara
and I said,

"Clara, the organ music
sounds strange tonight."

Well, what did
Clara say?

She said,

"Yes, it does."

You know Clara.

Well,

they say there are still
bloodstains on the organ keys.

That's right.

They've never been able
to get them off.

And they used Bon Ami.

Everybody says
he still comes there

and plays at midnight.

He doesn't play as well
as he used to.

You mean,
you've heard him play?

It's time to go, Luther.

Uh, yeah.

- Yeah, well, I'm gonna...
- Go over there now.

Well, uh,

I, uh, I guess
this is it.

I'll see...

Goodbye, Luther!

Uh, well, I'll see you
in the morning.

God willing.

Ollie! I'm just putting your
adrenaline in shape, kid.

Well, my adrenaline
is just fine, thank you.

You're really going
in there, huh?

Of course
I'm going in there!

What do you think I came out
here for? Not to go in there?

Well, don't get
so excited, fella.

Well, you know
why I'm excited?

I'll tell you
why I'm excited.

Because of you!
That's why I'm excited.

Oh, come on, Luther.

You're scared
and you know it.

You want me to go
in there with you?

No, I don't want you
to go in there with me.

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
Sharing all the glory.

Well, for your information,
fella, I work single-o.

Just me, myself and I.

Okay, Ace. She's all yours.
See you around.

Ollie?

Oh!

Rachel Courier Express!

My flashlight.

Big ghost.

Boo.

Mrs. Simmons.

Who's there?

Is that you, Ollie?

Ollie, you...

You trying to
scare me, Ollie?

You in that other room there?

You tryin' to scare me?

Darn you guys!
I'll show you!

Holy Toledo.

Blood.

It was terrible!
It was just terrible!

Okay, now, Luther.
Tell us what happened.

It was terrible!
It was just terrible!

Oh, no! He's gonna cry!

Now, steady, now, Luther.
Tell us about it.

It was terrible!
It was just terrible!

I'll never get over it
as long as I live!

Hey, great
opening line.

Uh, "I'll never get over it
as long as I live."

Okay, Luther.
Go on.

I got to house...
Lightning, thunder...

Swoosh, zoom!
Down coal chute!

"I arrived
at the house.

"Giving careful consideration to the
most advantageous means of entry,

"I selected
the coal chute."

"Once inside,
I had a look around,

"then made myself
comfortable for the night.

"Suddenly there was a strange
knocking on the wall.

"- I remained cool."
- I'll bet.

"Moving swiftly,

"I found myself
in the organ loft.

"There it was,
the massive organ,

"shrouded in cobwebs,
its once-beautiful ivory keys

"still covered with the stains
of young Mrs. Simmons' blood."

And they used Bon Ami.

"Later, I descended
to the first floor.

"There, I was to see the most
horrifying display of all

"in this bloody
parade of terror.

"The portrait of young Mrs. Simmons
had been stabbed in the throat

"with what appeared to be a pair
of gardeners' pruning shears."

You've never seen
anything like it!

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Al! Run off another 500.
They're selling like hotcakes.

We've made some kind
of a hero out of Luther,

and that Simmons place
is the talk of the town. Come on.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Maxwell.
Nicholas Simmons gave me strict orders.

No one's allowed
on this property.

Mr. Fuller, you don't
seem to understand. We are followers.

We're on the path
of the occult.

I'm afraid you won't find
anything like that around here.

Well, it's obvious
you don't understand.

Our society is dedicated
to contacting the other world.

- The Communists?
- The spiritual world.

Mrs. Maxwell!
Mrs. Maxwell!

The cosmic vibrations!

Coming, coming.

Oh, the divine
emanations from it.

Hail, cosmic chief.

Taro, caro...

Salamond.

All right, ladies.
Break it up.

That's it for today.
No demonstrating without a permit.

You have no right
to bar us from this house.

- I've got my orders.
- Then I'll have those orders changed.

Well, you'd better do it soon.
They're gonna tear it down Monday.

Tear it down?

- By whose orders?
- Nicholas Simmons, the owner.

- Are you sure?
- Positive.

This citadel of the divine,
destroyed? Never!

Milo, look at me
when I talk to you.

Halcyon, I promised
Nicholas Simmons

that I would clear the title
by the first of the week.

Then you haven't signed
the final papers yet?

Well, no.
No, I haven't.

Milo, do you realize how long it's been
since we've had a local manifestation?

We always have to go out of town,
as far away as Wooster, Ohio.

- Oh, Halcyon...
- Now, don't "Oh, Halcyon" me, Milo.

You don't seem to realize
the cosmic importance of this.

Why, this is bigger than the
whispering steeple in Kansas City.

It's bigger thanthe headless
ballet dancer in Dublin, Ireland.

And it's even bigger than
the day our dear Theresa

received that personal message
from Rudolph Valentino in Toledo.

Milo, you will not
sign those papers.

- Oh, but dear...
- You won't.

- But dear...
- You won't.

- But...
- I own 51% of the bank stock.

I won't.

Milo, you didn't eat
your tapioca.

No wonder you have
a nervous stomach.

What kind of a man runs his bank
on the whims of his wife?

Well, you just don't know
Mrs. Maxwell.

In the name of heaven, man,
I've waited 20 years for this!

Well, she owns 51%
of the bank's stock, for Pete's sake.

Don't tell me your wife believes
all that Luther Heggs hogwash!

With all her heart.

She came home last night
and vibrated for an hour.

Let me get this straight.

You mean, you're not
gonna sign the papers?

Well, I... I...
I just can't, Nick.

All right.

What are you going to do?

When I get through
with Luther Heggs,

nobody will believe him
when he says "Good morning."

Where on earth
is Luther?

He'll be late
for his own speech.

Celebrities are never
on time.

There's Alma.
Hi, Alma!

Hi, ladies.
Have you seen Ollie?

I heard him say
he wasn't coming.

I believe his nose is out of joint
on account of Luther.

Oh! Here comes Luther!

Hi, hi, hi.

Hi. How are you?

Hello.

Hello.
Good to see you.

Uh, hi!

Over here, Luther!

Oh! Hi!

How are ya?
How are ya?

All right.

Mr. Mayor.

All you people who aren't Chamber
of Commerce, clear the table area.

Only C of C people here.

Come on. Clear the area.
Clear the area.

Oh, no.
Not you, Mr. Heggs.

You stay right
where you are.

You too, miss.

That's Alma Parker.

I guess, um, being with you makes
me some sort of a celebrity.

Well...

How are ya?
Are you alone?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Oh. Well...

Can I have your
autograph, Mr. Heggs?

It's not for me.
It's for my father.

Sure.

Autograph.

There you go.

- He's cute.
- Yeah.

I get to feed
the speaker!

- That's Loretta Pine.
- I know.

Ah.

- I just love good food.
- So do I.

- Do you?
- Uh-huh.

You know,
you and I are a lot alike.

Oh.

My mother liked
good food.

Oh.

She always used to say,

"I'd rather eat good food than bad
food any old day of the week."

I guess we're having
lunch together again.

Yes, we are.

Would you like to have
lunch some evening?

Oh, uh, that is to say, of course,
uh, that would be dinner.

Well, I...
I, I understand.

I understand.

You and Ollie
and everything.

Not necessarily.

You mean,
you and Ollie aren't, uh...

Not as much
as people think.

Oh.

Would you like to have
dinner Sunday night?

Yeah.

Fine.

You're okay.
You're C of C. You're okay.

You're C of C.
You're okay.

You're not C of C,
but you're okay.

You're C of C,
and you're okay.

You're C of C,
and you're okay.

You're...

You're not C of C.

- I'm Rotary.
- Get out of here!

Who are you
shovin' around, huh?

Thank you, Billy
and Norma Jean Wexler.

And that concludes the musical
portion of our program.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

it is a great honor
and a privilege to present

the head of our
Chamber of Commerce

and the mayor of our town,

Carlyle Preston.

Attaboy, Carl!

My fellow citizens of Rachel.

Well, the electrician
must be a Democrat.

Attaboy, Carl.

Rachel has been humming
for the past few days,

and I really don't have
to tell you why.

There's been an old house
in this town for years

that, if the truth be known,

folks have been
afraid to go near.

I know I have.

But one of our very own
had the pluck to go in.

And that name has been
on every tongue.

And the name of that person
who's been on every tongue

is none other than,

and I really don't
have to say it.

Luther Heggs!

Thank you, Mayor,
and fellow Rachelanians.

That electrician
must be a Democrat.

The...

Thank you, Mayor,
and fellow Rachelanians.

I am proud
to be here today.

Attaboy, Luther.

Uh, when I was asked to be

guest speaker
at this luncheon,

I asked myself this,

"Who are you,
Luther Heggs,

"to be a guest speaker
at this luncheon?"

I thought about my answer,

about being
a guest speaker,

for a long time.

Wh...

What is
a guest speaker?

Let me clarify this.

I have been called brave.

What is brave?

Let me clarify this.

Of course, we all know
that it is short

for bravery.

That goes without
even being said.

But it is
also a symbol

of another thing.

It is a symbol

of doing one's duty

no matter what is
scaring him

personally.

Attaboy, Luther.

Take your World War II.

There were many heroes
in World War II.

What were your heroes?

Who were your heroes?

Let me clarify this.

Thank you for having me.

Taro, caro...

Salamond.

Thank you.

Are you Luther Heggs,
1347 Lucerne Road?

You know me, Lester.

Loved your speech, Luther.

Thank you. What do you
want me to write on this?

Nothing.
You don't write on a summons.

Summons? Summons?
He got a summons.

He got a summons!

Well, exactly what is libel,
Mr. Beckett?

It's when you print an untruth about
someone that damages them, Luther.

- Well, who did I damage?
- "Whom."

- Whom?
- The Simmons' family name.

- Mr. Simmons.
- Room 51.

Step down.

Mr. Heggs,

can I have
your autograph?

He wants
my autograph. Sure.

Just draw a little
ghost under it there.

Okay.

Thank you.

Gentlemen.

My attorney,
Mr. Whitlow.

- Mr. Whitlow.
- Mr. Whitlow.

Well, let's get
right down to business.

Heggs, as you know,
I'm suing you personally,

and Beckett, I'm suing
the Rachel Courier Express,

of which you are
editor and owner.

Now, if I win this suit,
and I will,

I'm going to
take the paper.

And if I take Beckett's paper, where
are you going to work, Mr. Heggs?

I don't know.

Chicago Trib,
Pittsburgh Press maybe.

Now, I don't wanna sue and
waste all that time in court,

so I have an
alternative to offer.

Simply publish the fact
that this story is

a figment of Heggs' imagination
and I'll call off the suit.

What do you say?

In other words, you want
a retraction. Is that it?

Exactly.

Luther, tell me once
more that what

you said happened
really happened.

- It happened.
- The wall did open?

- Whoosh, right open.
- And the organ?

Played and played
and played.

- Nobody at it?
- Not a soul, just cobwebs.

And the shears
in the throat?

Shears in the throat!

No retraction.

All right,
we'll see you in court.

Heggs, when I get you on the stand,
I'm gonna tear you to shreds.

Just who do you
think you are?

A little pip-squeak like you
fighting us in court?

Just who do you
think you are?

Drop dead!
That's who!

Right, Mr. Beckett?

Mr. Beck... Mr. Beck...
Mr. Beckett?

Mr. Beckett?

Boy, you should've heard me
telling them off back there.

Well, you better save your breath for
the courtroom. You're gonna need it.

Step up, please.

I'm sorry, Mr. Heggs.

Boy, that was just about the best
pounded steak I ever ate.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mother really is a wonderful cook.

Oh, yes, she is.

Boy, a guy could get fat.

What was that
you just did?

Oh, that was just...
That's karate.

I didn't know
you knew karate.

Oh, yeah.

I've been studying it
by mail for years.

My whole body's
a weapon.

Well, that's worthwhile.

Yeah.

Would you like
to sit down?

Oh, sure. Mmm-hmm.

- It's nice out.
- Yeah.

I guess you think I'm worried about
this trial business tomorrow.

- Oh, well...
- Well, it's all part of the game.

A newspaper man has
to do whatever comes along.

Everything will be
all right. You'll see.

I've never been on one
of those stands before.

You'll do just fine.

Alma, do you think
I'm crazy?

Luther, what
a silly question.

Well, some people
seem to think so.

You know very well
the whole town is behind you.

Billy Ray Fox
and guys like that ain't.

Well, Billy Ray Fox's
opinion isn't worth a hill of beans.

Hill of beans.

- You know something, Alma?
- What?

- Alma?
- Hmm?

Well, the, the thing
is this, Alma.

I mean, well,
you're a darn attractive girl.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, that's okay.

Me, I'm a guy...

And, well, I mean...
What I mean to say is,

you take your average guy
and your above-average girl.

And, well, the point is

that people, well...

What I'm trying
to say is...

That average, average
is just, just is darn lucky

to be sittin' on the same porch
with above-average.

- And what I mean by that is...
- Luther.

Are you trying to say
that you like me?

Yeah.

I like you too,
Luther.

I'm sorry, folks, I'm sorry,
but the courtroom is all filled.

Now let's get this door
clear, please. Please!

Look, here comes Luther!

Go get 'em, Luther!
Go get 'em!

Good luck, Luther.

Thank you.

- What was that all about?
- What?

That cute little nip on the cheek.
What's going on?

You don't own me, Ollie.
You never did.

Oh.

Well, excuse me.

You'll win,
Luther, you'll win.

Taro, caro, salamond.

Yeah, that's right.

Attaboy, Luther!

- Norman.
- Hi, Mr. Springer.

- How are you feelin', Luther?
- Oh, 3-0.

- Boy, this place is really buzzin'.
- Yeah.

Hi, ladies.

Have you got
a clean hankie?

Yeah.

This may cost me my job,
but I hope they fry you.

What'd he say?

Uh, nothing.

All rise.

Oyez, oyez, oyez.

District court of Rachel
County is now in session.

Judge Harley
Nast presid...

It's all right,
Charlie, I'm here.

All right, you folks,
let's have a little quiet here.

Attaboy, George!

Now, uh, this is
a case of libel.

Nicholas Simmons
v. Luther Heggs,

Miles Beckett and the
Rachel Courier Express.

Where's my water,
Charlie?

Okay, Mr. Whitlow,
you can start it up.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I intend to prove...

Here's your water, Judge.

Thank you, Charlie.
Where's the Bible?

I haven't got it.
Haven't you got it?

No, I haven't got it.
I left it right here.

Can't run a court
without a Bible.

Arnold, you got the Bible?

Oh, thanks, Arnold. Here it is, Judge.
Arnold had it.

Attaboy, Arnold!

Thank you, Tom. All right, Mr. Whitlow,
you can start her up again.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

it is my intent to prove that Luther
Heggs did willfully and with full intent

concoct and publish
a fabrication injurious

to the family name of
my client, Nicholas Simmons.

I will prove, in fact,
that this fabrication

is the product of
the imagination of a man

whose dreams and ramblings are
a danger to this community.

He's trying
to say I'm crazy.

With your permission,
Your Honor,

I should like to call my first witness,
Miss Neva Tremaine.

Miss Neva Tremaine.

- Who is she?
- She's my old grade school teacher.

Ma'am, just right
up to the stand.

You wanna put your left hand on the
Bible and raise your right hand, please.

You solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

- so help you God?
- Mmm-hmm. I do.

Charlie,
your fingernails.

I had a flat
on the way to work.

Be seated, please.

Would you state your name
and address, please?

Mmm-hmm.

Neva Tremaine, 312 E Street,
Rachel, Kansas.

- And your occupation, please.
- Schoolteacher.

Willow Road Elementary School,
third grade, retired.

Was there one Luther Heggs,
a student of yours?

Mmm-hmm, he was.

Hi, Luther.

How would you describe
Mr. Heggs as a boy?

Oh, Luther was
a very good boy.

He got three blue stars
in deportment

and three gold stars
in penmanship.

How else would
you describe him?

He was painfully thin
and very keyed up.

Would you elaborate on that
phrase, "keyed up"?

Well, let's see.

Well, for one thing, he never ate the
crusts on his sandwiches at lunch.

I object.

I move that that statement
be stricken from the record.

A lot of people trim
the crust on their bread.

Young man,
he didn't trim them.

He ate the inside out
and left the crust.

Overruled.

And more specifically,
Miss Tremaine,

how else did he behave,
being keyed up, I mean?

His shoes
fell off a lot.

But I suppose that could be because
he was so thin and ran so much.

Was he a talkative boy?

Well, when he had
a good story to tell.

And Luther made up
some beauties.

What kind of stories,
Miss Tremaine?

Oh, wild things.

Can you recall any
of them specifically?

Well, I remember
he told all the boys

that he found a real skeleton
in MacQueen's barn.

Of a squirrel!
A squirrel!

I never said
a person skeleton!

Now you just
quiet down, Luther,

or I'm gonna have to cite you
for contempt.

They were my brother's shoes.
That's why they fell off.

Attaboy, Luther!

Quiet down now, folks.

Do you recall any other of Mr. Heggs'
imaginative ramblings, Miss Tremaine?

Oh, lots of things.

He told Mary
Jane Panucci

that the filling
in his eyetooth

was a shortwave radio

and he used to get messages
from Admiral Byrd.

I only wanted her
to like me.

Go on,
Miss Tremaine.

Well, I remember,

I once asked my students to write
a theme called, "My Father."

And Luther wrote that his father
was really the Prince of Wales,

but that there was
a mix-up at the hospital.

Your witness.

No questions.

You can step down
now, Neva.

Thank you, Harley.

I hope I helped you,
Luther.

Don't you worry
about a thing, Luther.

I've got a surprise
witness coming in.

Thank you, Your Honor.
I'll proceed.

Your full name, sir.

Gaylord Patie.

And what is your occupation?

I'm a certified public
accountant for the state.

Now, then, I understand
that you, Mr. Patie,

have heard the organ playing
in the Simmons mansion.

- Am I correct, sir?
- You are.

I have heard organ music coming from
the tower of the Simmons mansion

on three
separate occasions.

That's why I came
to you, Mr. Springer.

And at what time
did you hear this music?

At the stroke
of midnight.

And what else have you heard coming
from the Simmons mansion, Mr. Patie?

On the first occasion,
a woman's scream.

And on the second and third
occasions, a man's scream.

What kind of screams
were they, Mr. Patie?

Wild, maniacal screams.

Thank you.
Your witness.

Mr. Patie, I understand that you're
president of the International Conclave

For Unidentified
Flying Objects.

That is correct, sir.

- Where was your last meeting held?
- On Mars.

You may step down.

Wait till I get
Heggs on the stand.

Luther Heggs
to the stand, please.

Luther Heggs.

Taro, caro...

Salamond.

Luther, what is
that all about?

Uh, taro, caro,
salamond.

Oh.

Well, you lodge women,
you just sit down and keep seated.

All right, Charlie,
swear in the witness.

Put your left hand on the Bible and
raise your right hand, please.

You swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?

- I do.
- Be seated.

All right, Mr. Whitlow.

Your, uh...

Your full name is
Luther Heggs, is that correct?

Yes, sir.

Do you mind if
I call you Luther?

Fine.

Relax, son.

Oh, I am.

I'll try not to keep you on the stand
any longer than necessary, Luther.

Oh, I don't mind.
It's all part of the game.

What game is that?

The newspaper game.

Oh, I see. You really love the
newspaper game, don't you, Luther?

Yeah, I sure do. I guess if
you cut me, I'd bleed ink.

- That's very funny.
- Thank you.

You certainly have a flair for turning
a colorful phrase, Luther.

Well... Well,
when you work with words,

words are your work.

Mmm, bravo.

Yes, I expect you learn
a good deal about words

down there in that
typesetting room.

Oh, I'm just filling in time
in the typesetting room.

Oh, I see. You'd do anything to become
a full-time reporter, is that correct?

Well, sure. Who wouldn't?
After all, a chance...

Including exaggerating
and fabricating, eh?

I'd be a fool to pass...
What?

I'm asking you a question, Heggs!

Can't you curb your
imagination for one minute?

Can't you curb your
tongue for a minute?

Attaboy, Luther!

Quiet down.

Isn't it true, Heggs,

that you were offered
a full-time job as a reporter

if you brought back a sensational
story from that house?

A story which, in truth, you
made up out of your own head.

No, that's not true.
I saw those things.

Yes, yes.
I heard those things!

He heard those things.

- Those church bells rang!
- Yes, yes!

It rang, it rang.

- The organ played!
- Oh, yes, it played.

I saw the bloodstains on the keys,
and they're still there!

And they used Bon Ami!

Tell it, Luther!
Tell it!

And when
I ran downstairs,

I came face to face with
a painting of Mrs. Simmons.

There was a pair of garden shears stuck in
her throat, blood gushing from the wound!

Mrs. Maxwell fainted,
Judge.

Some of you huskies
back there pick her up

and get her out under
a tree or something.

- Keep her head up!
- Keep her feet up!

No, keep her head
higher than her feet!

Quiet!
Quiet down!

Quiet down!

Quiet down here now!

You listen to me, 'cause I'm gonna
tell you something right now!

I don't know whether
I believe in ghosts or not.

Many the night I've talked
about this with my missus.

But I do know, there's only
one way of finding out

if there's something going
on in that Simmons place.

This court
hereby orders

the jury
and interested parties

to meet here in front of this
courthouse at 11:30 tonight.

And we're going down to the Simmons
house and see for ourselves.

Court's adjourned.

All right, ladies,
back up now.

Back up, ladies.
Back. Back up. Back up.

Okay, Chief, looks like
we're all ready.

- Open her up.
- All right, Judge.

Judge, you're all right.
You're all right.

Good luck, Luther.

Oh.

I believe in you, Luther.
I believe in what you stand for.

And my group is
sharing this with you.

And that's
akin to love.

Well, taro, caro...

Salamond!

You're coming in
with me, aren't you?

I don't think
they'll let me.

- Come on. You're with me.
- Okay.

She's with me!

Luther, Alma, Kelsey...
Kelsey!

- Where do you think you're going?
- Press.

Who do you think you're kidding?
Out! Out! Out!

Sorry.

Uh, I better
go in first.

All right, everybody,
this way.

Now let me have your attention
for just one minute.

Now I'm gonna take you on a tour
duplicating my movements of that night.

Now you're apt to see some
pretty frightening things,

but don't panic,
you're in no real personal danger.

Now you ladies of the jury,
stay close together.

Hold hands
if you wish.

First, I'm gonna take you into the
den and then up to the organ loft...

Say, Heggs, isn't that the picture of
Mrs. Simmons you were talking about?

Yeah, well, first, I wanna
take them into the den.

Well, it is,
isn't it?

Where's the garden shears?

Where's the blood?

It seems to me there should
be a hole in it somewhere.

Well, I'm sure
there is.

Let me... I'll just show you...
Well, I mean...

Well,
that's funny.

Maybe that's not
the same picture.

I don't think
that's the same picture.

That's okay, Luther.

If you've seen one picture of a woman
with shears stuck in her throat,

you've seen 'em all.

Luther, why don't you start the
tour with the wall that opens?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, everybody,
I'm gonna show you the wall that opens.

The opening wall!

Right this way.

I know what
our trouble was back there.

That happened after
the midnight bells.

My mind's wide
open, Luther.

All right, people, in here.
Right in here.

Okay, here it is.
The panel that opens.

Right here it is!

You're gonna see
the opening panel!

Now, I was standing
about right here.

I picked up a book

and I threw it
at the bookcase

and whoosh, she opened.

I picked up a book

and I threw it,
and whoosh!

Whoosh!

Well, I picked,
picked up a book and I...

I can't understand it.

It, it opens up!

There's, there's a staircase
in there and everything.

He's a real loser.

Luther,
it's almost midnight.

Maybe we better be getting along
to the organ part of it.

But I can't understand it.
It opened right up!

- Whoosh!
- That's right.

Yeah.

Well... All right, all right,
up to the organ loft!

Come on, folks.
Up to the organ loft.

Follow me to the organ loft.
The organ loft is next.

Now, folks,
it's almost midnight,

and the ghost of Mr. Simmons will be up in
the organ loft in just a matter of minutes.

All right. Folks, Priscilla here
doesn't want to go up.

Any of you other ladies
feel the same way?

The men feel
the same way too, Judge.

Very well. Jury is excused from
going up in the organ loft.

You can wait down here
for us in the entry hall.

Look, the bloodstains.

That's right.
I told you.

What time you got,
Judge?

It's, uh, just
ten seconds to midnight.

Good. All right,
steady does it.

Okay.

Here we go.

This is ridiculous.

Come on now.

Come on.

Come on, baby.

Come on!

One and a two and...

Luther, I think
that's about it.

But... But...

It played!

I'm tellin' you,
it played!

You saw the bloodstains
on the keys!

It played.

It played.

Oh, here they come!
Here they come!

Make room!
Make room!

Make room. Clear a path here.
Clear a path.

Clear a path.
Keep it away, there.

Might as well tell these
people to go home, Chief.

There's nothing in there.

Just an old empty house.
Just imagination.

All right, folks, break it up.
It's all over.

Judge says there's
nothing in there.

Run along home.

Well, we're finished,
Luther.

You better find yourself
another job.

I'm sorry, Mr. Beckett.
Couldn't we just...

Please, just leave
me alone, Luther!

Just leave me
alone, hmm?

Mr. Kelsey!

You!

I thought this would get
you back in here, Luther.

Where are the others?

- They all left. You mean, you?
- Yup.

It was me playin' the organ
the night you were here.

I stabbed the painting,
everything.

But when the organ was playing,
there was nobody at it.

There's a tuning keyboard
under the pipes.

Well...
Where were you tonight?

That dumb Herkie
wouldn't let me in.

What's this all about?
I don't understand.

That sounds like Alma.

Come on.

No, no!

One step closer
and I'll kill her!

Know what these are,
Mr. Simmons?

That's right.

They're my shears!

The ones you used
to kill your aunt.

And you left them there
to pin it on me!

I'll kill her, Kelsey!

Now let me
out of here.

Won't do you a bit
of good, Nicky.

Now everybody's gonna know about
this staircase. Your big alibi, Nicky.

It won't help to bulldoze
the house down now!

That's far enough!

You go downstairs
and come up behind him.

How?

Push the andiron.
It opens the panel in the study.

Andiron?

You killed them both,
didn't you?

Killed them both for the money
and then tried to pin it on me!

I'll kill her, Kelsey!

Stay out of this, Heggs!

Don't give up now,
Luther. Get him!

Stay back, Heggs!
Stay back, stay back!

Get him, Luther!

Get him!
Don't let him get away!

I'll kill her, Kelsey.

Alma, call the police.

Well, the bigger they are,
the harder they fall.

He's right. I pushed the andiron,
and the wall opened up.

Well, you just better learn to take
the word of the press, Chief.

All right, now let me get
this whole thing straight.

You see, the secret staircase
was Simmons' big alibi.

That's right.
The big "alibi-rooney"!

That night, the old man was up in
the organ loft playing the organ.

I heard a scuffle coming
from madam's bedroom.

I saw Nick Simmons
run out of the room

- and head for the organ loft.
- Topside.

- He didn't see me.
- He didn't see him.

I went into the room,
and there lay Mrs. Simmons

with my garden shears
stuck in her throat.

Here they are!
Here's your murder weapon!

I submit these as exhibit "A."
Watch the prints on those.

I grabbed those
and put them under my coat.

When the servants
came up the stairs,

we heard a scream
from the organ loft

and the thud of a body
falling into the bushes.

We rushed over,
and there on the ground below,

lay the body
of old man Simmons.

Dead as a doornail!

We turned, started
down the stairs,

and met Nick Simmons coming up,
like he just come home.

Of course,
he'd slipped downstairs

by way of
the secret staircase.

How come you took so long to bring
this out in the open, Mr. Kelsey?

I was scared.

After all,
that was my shears.

But this was
my last chance.

Well, that wraps it up.
Take him away, Chief.

That was terrific,
Luther.

You knocked
Simmons out, Luther?

That's right. Karate.

Made my whole
body a weapon.

Good boy!

Do you, Alma, take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Luther, take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

By virtue of
the authority vested in me,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Luther, you can
kiss her now.

Attaboy, Luther!

Revision: Kilo