Original subtitles

- Hi, I am Alex Song-Xia.

I'm super excited to be here. I'm also terrified.

(bright instrumental music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

(Alex laughs) (bright music continues)

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- Okay. Not what I was expecting. (laughs)

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

(bright music continues)

- [off-camera] Three, two, one, open!

(gentle instrumental music)

- (laughs) Oh my God. I'm a dinosaur?

(chuckles) A parrot?

Something about the hair really reminds me of my grandma.

I feel like I lived in Miami. I moved there.

I wasn't originally from there.

Originally I'm from Toronto.

- I could go high,

but I don't think I'll keep this for a whole interview.

And is that just Kermit? I could go lower.

That's not lower, but (laughs) I think I'm a villain.

(bright instrumental music)

I don't think I'm the good guy.

(bright music continues)

(logo whooshes) (bright music continues)

(text whizzes) (bright music continues)

(cloth scratches)

- Yeah. (chuckles) Perfect.

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis back with another edition

of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- Oh. Sorry, did we start?

- We did. - Oh-

- So I do the intro

and then I say, "please introduce yourself."

- You just caught me on a weird day. Sorry.

I am Claude McCaw.

I'm on the tour right now

to promote the company I work for-

- Which is? - McCaw Industries.

- Of course.

(dramatic instrumental music) (text whizzes)

Is it a family business?

- Yeah, it is a family business.

- Birds of a feather.

- What? - You're a macaw, right?

- Oh yeah. That's good.

We should have used that.

You know what's funny is I'm not even a real macaw.

I married into it and-

- Took your partner's last name?

- Yeah, and then, you know, started pretty low

and now I'm doing the media interviews.

- Even though I think most of us know,

why don't you tell us what does McCaw Industries do?

- Kidnap women. Sometimes men.

Do some murders

and we're just gonna be really

expanding that to global scale.

- Well, I mean, it's just wonderful.

You're doing a great job sticking up

the studio right now, aren't we folks?

Come on, they're doing a great job

sticking up the studio right now, right? (claps)

- Yeah. (Vic's clapping continues)

- And we do have to clap,

so let's all do that, okay?

Thank you. (claps) (audience claps)

Really, really wonderful stuff there.

And I'm now seeing, actually I was given

a list of questions that was approved by McCaw Industries

that I'm being forced to ask.

- Sometimes we kidnap people who don't identify

as women or men also.

- Is that true? - No,

but I thought I should say it, but it's not true.

- It was a really progressive thought that you had.

- Maybe I'll pitch it.

- Hey, it sounds like you actually

have some really good ideas.

Do people take your pitches very often?

- Just the evil ones.

- Well, it sounds like that's pretty evil adjacent.

I mean, d'you have other pitches

that aren't evil that you've been giving recently?

- Yeah, actually.

We work seven days a week,

'cause, you know, evil never sleeps, but-

- Sure. - I've been pitching

Smile Saturdays. - Just a general smile

on Saturdays?

- Yeah, like, you have casual Fridays.

- Would this be a casual Friday outfit

or is this sort of a typical work outfit?

- This is just kinda like the company-issued look.

This is how they dressed me for the tour.

- How did you get involved with somebody

that wanted you to be working at this sort of evil empire?

- Yeah. - Is that too much to say?

Evil empire? - No, that's part

of our branding. - Yeah.

- I guess I fell in love. I don't know.

- Tell me about them.

- (sighs) We actually got divorced,

so yeah. - Sorry to hear that.

Marriages can be tough.

- But I still work at the company

and so I'm grateful for that

and for the life I have.

- Can I ask?

You don't seem happy, and you don't seem very scary,

and you don't seem very evil.

Is that- - I just-

- Too much to say?

- I didn't come on your show to be insulted.

- No, I'm not insulting you. - No, I just-

- I'm just saying,

you just seem, honestly- - I'm happy, and evil,

and scary. - This is just a very

different version of the person that I was expecting.

It was more this version, I think,

that I was expecting from one of these training videos.

- I see a lot of evil in this room.

Ooh, smell it, drink it in.

Yes!

(crowd cheers) You are evil,

and you are evil, and you are evil,

and I'm evil!

All right, everyone, look under your seats. That's right!

(Audience screaming in terror) You better put those beaks back in or-

(unintelligible evil screaming)

- Look at that.

- Yeah, I remember (giggles) being that bird.

- Forceful, angry- - Yeah.

- You know, in line, terrifying,

if you don't mind me saying.

- No, that's really nice of you to say. Thank you.

I mean, it's from a long time ago,

but it's also from before the first time I volunteered

at the children's hospital and-

(somber instrumental music) (Vic's hand smacks)

- Volunteered at the children's hospital?

- I was there to blow it up and-

- Right. Right. - Things didn't go

according to plan.

- Well, what happened? Take me through that morning.

You wake up.

- I woke up, my wife had just asked

for a divorce previous night.

I thought maybe she'd still be there

in the morning, but she wasn't.

- She asked for a divorce and then left immediately.

- She's efficient. That's-

- Yeah. - One of the things I

loved about her.

Work was busy and then blowing up the children's hospital

was happening at night, and then-

- Right. - This little girl saw me,

she held onto the tip of my claw, smiled up at me,

and then I didn't press the detonate button.

- So the bomb is still at the children's hospital?

- I left right away. I left the bomb there.

- What children's hospital?

- It's not important.

- Boston? - I've never been to Boston.

- New York? - That's where

my life (whimpers) changed.

- That's where my life changed. So, New York.

If somebody can write that down.

We're gonna send that, but not now,

because we do need all the PA's hands on the cameras,

so, thank you.

Okay, so what? Now we're here.

Now all of a sudden you're just sort

of looking at evil a little different?

- Sometimes I'll sneak into different

children's hospitals at night.

- With a bomb? - No bomb.

- No bomb. - Just to smile at the kids.

I don't know, (sighs) it just, it made me think

maybe I'm supposed to be doing something different.

- Yeah. (sword scrapes)

And I'm getting the sword from somebody back there,

which means it's time for our game that we're being forced

to play, which is, Which Cocktail is Poisoned?

(mid-tempo instrumental music)

- I actually really love this game.

- And we don't have to play if we don't have time.

If you're not... - No, I...

This will cheer me up, I think.

- Do you think?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- For the viewers at home,

this is one of my favorite games.

- My favorite game is Monopoly.

- So basically, we just take turns drinking the cocktails.

- Okay. (chuckles)

- Okay. I guess I'll go first.

- Okay. - I am going to pass.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Okay, then I will also pass.

- No, so the thing is

you can't pass. - Pass. Of course.

So then I'm gonna pick one-

- Yeah. - And I'm gonna drink it

because I have to.

- You gotta make your choice.

(dramatic music continues)

(dramatic music continues)

- And if anyone wants to stand in my proxy,

I suppose I would let them.

(dramatic music continues)

(Claude coughs) (dramatic music continues)

- Okay, so. (finger taps)

(dramatic music continues)

- Good choice.

- Good choice? - Good choice.

(dramatic music continues)

(slurps) Ah. (dramatic music continues)

Okay. I'm alive. (laughs)

(crew lightly claps) (dramatic music continues)

(Claude claps) (dramatic music continues)

Thank you!

We can do more applause, 'cause I'm alive

and I did this for you.

(crew claps)

- All right. I guess it's my turn.

- Okay. (giggles)

- And I will pass. - Right,

and now I feel like I know how this is working.

- Yeah. - Blue sky.

Sky is up top, green is grass, which would be second.

Then we got the earth's crust and we got the magma,

so I am gonna go- - Wow!

- With the grass.

- Okay. (dramatic music continues)

- Am I sort of onto something?

- It's interesting for sure.

- I just sort of like being alive, you know?

I sort of have things to do. (giggles)

- Hey, somebody's stalling. - Okay. (giggles)

(dramatic music continues)

I love this game.

(dramatic music continues)

- Okay.

- Wow! - Thank (laughs).

Once again a hero.

Less applause

that time though. - Wow.

- Okay. - Okay.

(dramatic music continues)

I will take this one.

(dramatic music continues)

(Vic giggles) (dramatic music continues)

(Vic giggles)

(cocktail trickles)

(Vic laughs)

- And I am gonna help you with that.

(bright instrumental music)

- Can I tell you a secret?

- I think legally I have to listen.

- Put the swords down.

(swords clang)

- Put the swords down.

- Just for now.

- What is it?

(somber instrumental music)

- Yellow was the poison one, so...

(somber instrumental music)

- So I win.

(somber instrumental music)

So I win. Nobody died.

I win and we live to see

another Emmy campaign season.

- Normally I always pass.

That's part of the game, and then the other person dies,

but I thought maybe today I'll try something different.

- I think that was a good thing. Hey, you know what?

We had a couple of viewers writing questions

and I was hoping maybe we can go ahead

and read some of these.

How about that? - Yes please.

I would love that.

(mid-tempo instrumental music)

- This is Brittany S from Alabama.

"Your organization is responsible

for the explosion that killed my dad.

Why should I forgive you? PS, I love your shirt."

- Oh! Thank you for writing in, Brittany S.

We're happy to send you a McCaw Industries shirt

and I'd be happy to personally sign it

for you as well.

- I think she sort of wants to know

why she should forgive you.

- Oh, we're not asking for forgiveness,

but if you would like us to kill the rest of your family,

we'd be happy to oblige.

Just give us four to six weeks.

- Okay. So that sort of feels like that covers that.

This is Sarah S and she is located in Buffalo, New York.

- Oh. - "Do you like the song,

'I'm Like a Bird' by Nelly Fertado?"

- I'm really tired of being asked that.

- And I'm sorry. Again, this was a viewer question.

- Can I send someone to Sarah S'?

- There's gotta be a million Sarah S' in Buffalo.

- We got her.

- You got her? - Yeah.

- Already? - I think there

might not be someone to write back to anymore.

(paper rustles)

- Nathan L from Chicago, Illinois wrote,

"McCaw Industries has made me feel a hopelessness,

unlike I've never felt before.

What is your favorite thing to detonate?"

- It used to be hospitals, but I guess now schools.

- Schools. - Yeah, schools.

- Okay, you know what?

Let's put a pin in this detonator

and let's do some

rapid fire questions. - It's really hard to

put it back 'cause there's a risk

that it's already gonna blow up-

- And you're the expert,

and so I'm glad to know that.

(mid-tempo instrumental music)

If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

- A bird. - Yep. (clears throat)

What is something on your bucket list?

- Blow up a school.

I've done it already, but just, that's-

- I can't be hearing any of this actually,

so I would like to ask you a question

that I ask all of my guests.

- Okay. - And that is,

what is the meaning of life? (giggles)

- I don't think there is one.

I think you just have to keep blowing stuff up

until you feel okay.

(Vic sighs).

- It's breaking news about McCaw.

- I'm sorry, we got some breaking news-

- Huh? - That's just coming in

right now, (dramatic instrumental music)

and that is that your father-in-law,

Michael McCaw has passed away.

(somber instrumental music)

- What? That's not possible.

It was just announced on several

of the major news platforms, including this one.

- But you didn't break it.

- Well, I broke it to you, so that's...

I don't know what to tell you.

He's dead. I believe, leaving-

- Me in charge. - You in charge.

(somber music continues)

- So, I can decide whatever I want?

- Yes, you are at an impasse right now

where you get to decide what you want to do.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- Can I make an announcement?

(logo whooshes) (gentle instrumental music)

(clears throat) This is Claude McCaw,

the new leader of McCaw Industries.

(macaw squawks) (gentle music continues)

It's sad about Michael,

but as of today, Smile Saturdays are now mandatory

and you can also be expecting a lot more murders,

kidnappings, detonations,

and also, if you're non-binary, gender queer,

gender fluid, you're not so safe anymore.

- That is our show.

Please remember to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight. (bright instrumental music)

- I feel amazing. (sighs).

(bright music continues)

(Claude sighs) (bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

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