Original subtitles

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la

oh

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[Applause]

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oh

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how are you darling it's gone it comes

and it goes oh how annoying believe me

it's of no importance and yet it makes

you so nervous I can only tell you what

the doctor said to forget it not to

worry well I'd worry Dr bengard I repeat

it Dr bengard is a man for you don't

let's go into that again I will not be

psychoanalyzed oh no Jill that's a very

middle class attitude I'm a perfectly

normal woman well that sounds awfully

dull my dear you mustn't say that about

yourself not even in fun seriously Jill

go to Dr vangard he certainly did

wonders for Molly McLean do you know she

was suffering so from claustrophobia she

couldn't ride in an elevator can you

imagine what that means to a woman

living in a penthouse and Dr God killed

her he must have I read the other day in

Winchell's column she ran away with an

elevator Boy Molly

mcqu my name is Mrs Baker I know Mrs

toing pH me will you please be

seated Mrs

Baker your first name Jill Jill Baker

685 Park Avenue

685 Park Avenue your age Mrs

Baker

22 I'm your doctor Mrs

Baker

24 thank

you doctor I want to be frank with you

I'm absolutely certain there's nothing

really wrong with me I'm sure you'll

feel differently when you leave this

office you see most people know nothing

about themselves nothing their own real

personality is a complete stranger to

them now what I'm trying to do is to

introduce you to your inner self I want

you to get acquainted with yourself

wouldn't you like to meet you no you see

I'm a little shy all right what seems to

be the

trouble well it's difficult to show you

the symptoms of the moment

because it comes and it goes oh it comes

and it goes yes it's so unfortunate it's

always the same whenever I see a doctor

when when I come it goes and when I go

it comes Mrs Baker whatever comes and

whatever goes there's no denying it

worries you a lot so please drop all

your inhibitions release your inner self

and speak

freely what comes and what

goes hiccups hi hiccups yes whenever I

get nervous or irritated I get the

hiccups it's rather unpleasant and

sometimes very uncomfortable well

naturally it's a little early to make

any diagnosis but you're apparently

getting these hiccups because of a

nervous condition let's find out what

causes that condition sounds plausible

thank you would you mind stepping into

the Next

Room uhhuh well there's nothing unusual

in your childhood let us examine your

present life let us look at it through a

magnifying glass let us examine every

detail Mrs

Baker you're married aren't you yes when

did you get married when I was 19 how

long have you been married for six years

to the same husband yes aha doctor

please believe me there's nothing wrong

with my marriage you could go through

all Park Avenue and you wouldn't find a

happier couple well I'm sorry but it's

my duty to explore every Avenue

especially Park Avenue how old is your

husband 35 his business he's vice

president of min insurance company but

will you please leave my marriage alone

well very well just relax we'll talk

about something entirely different do

you suffer from headaches no how is your

appetite good how do you

sleep frankly not so well how does your

husband sleep very well

uh-huh now during one of these sleepless

nights when you wriggle around

restlessly and you look to your right

what you see my dressing table and when

you look to your left what you see my

husband sleeping yes uh-huh what are you

trying to do break up my marriage no

just wake up your husband well thank you

that'll be all for the day doctor my

husband has nothing to do with my

sleeplessness it's just that I'm super

sensitive to noises or to the slightest

sound does your husband snore no but I

must admit he breathes rather heavily oh

he does I don't think there's anything I

can do about it after all he has to

breathe I suppose so well Mrs Baker I'm

afraid your husband's ability to sleep

is too big a challenge for you it's

rather like well have you ever been on a

diet yes a vegetable diet well how would

you feel if you had to struggle with a

few raw carrots and have someone next

you eat a big juicy steak with a large

baked potato yes my husband two weeks

ago well didn't it make you nervous no

now that you mention it now that I think

of it it is rather irritating and not

very considerate no it isn't after all

husbands expect their wives to keep

their figures but on the other hand I

would call it a complete lack of

cooperation it

is uhhuh

[Applause]

Jill dear hello Margie why haven't I

heard from you how are you dear all

right anything wrong oh Mar you

shouldn't have sent me to that doct

venard did you go back to him no and I

won't he's not going to break up my

marriage there's nothing wrong between

Larry and me that's what I say are

people talking about us they wouldn't

dare in my presence they know you and I

are close friends friends and I always

defend you I know dear defend me against

what well now after all Town and Country

called you the happy Bakers that's kind

of sticking out your chin well how many

of our friends have stayed married for 6

years why shouldn't they call us the

happy Bakers well why not your name is

Baker isn't

it oh Margie I've been perfectly

miserable for the last two weeks I'm so

marriage conscious whatever I look at

whatever I think of I always find myself

connecting it with my marriage how I

hate that

bengard yet if I'm I must admit what

dear well if a wife looks at her husband

through a magnifying gloss she's bound

to see something yes I should think so

things I was never aware of before

things I never noticed for instance well

it's just an illustration but like the

other morning you know how difficult it

is for me to fall asleep well finally

when I'm lucky enough to drop off

promptly at 8:15 what do I wake up to a

gargle a gargle mhm that's the bugle

call of marriage gargle is r snor his

Taps and what is there between at 9:00

in the morning he goes out of my life oh

my dear isn't it the truth oh I don't

know what's the truth anymore I'm

completely

confused I'm so

uncertain I've always heard that the

ideal marriage should be something of a

mystery that your husband should remain

a kind of stranger to you someone whose

acquaintance you like to renew every day

you know what I mean yes

de don't say anything

hello hell Mar Hello Larry Hello darling

hello how are you fine and you okay have

a good day yes and you good anything new

no with you nothing good I'll see you

later well what could he say well of

course dear there was nothing new and he

frankly admitted it hello yes darling

are the Coopers coming to dinner I don't

know yet darling I'll let you know as

soon as they phone I wish you would

because if they're coming I'll have to

shave all right darling

I now I don't want to cause any trouble

but cold facts are cold facts if Mr and

Mrs Cooper come that big awful looking

Mrs Cooper he shaves and if he has

dinner alone with his wife he doesn't

shave and if anybody should shave it's

Mrs Cooper I spent three and a half

hours today at Elizabeth ens but I don't

to shave my dear that's the trouble with

95% of all marriages husbands don't

shave don't men realize that a beard

doesn't stop growing at

8:00 Larry yes D they're back fine they

have a good trip

who the Evans say that reminds me that

son of a gun promised to call me as soon

as he got back I'll bet col n's after

him B new the Evans are still in Bermuda

the hiccups are back huh

[Laughter]

oh the jokes on me

H that was very

cute KS

Larry when you came in just now you

asked me if there was anything new oh

say there is something new and something

very important too you know who's coming

to dinner a week from Thursday the

president of universal mattress and the

president and secretary treasurer of

United Furniture and some other high

Executives of both companies oh good

grief oh I know it's going to be one of

those nights but Universal mattress and

United Furniture have merged they're

reshuffling their entire Insurance

account now the tough man to C is kofka

universal

mattress I've done a little detective

work he's a Hungarian as a matter of

fact they're all hungarians so so let's

give the dinner a kind of Hungarian

touch huh now look Larry oh now listen

darling I don't expect you to behave

like a gypsy but let's hire a Hungarian

cook and make him a wonderful goulash

goka love

it I'm going to get that insurance

account if I have to stuff that

Hungarian like one of his own mattresses

oh and uh to make him feel really at

home our foreign division manager tipped

me off just before they start to eat you

say

EG

eg

egar it means to your health or

something like that egar

mhm it's just a little thing but you

know how it is success in business is

50% hard work and 50% the rights of

God that's great darling swell only a

little more cheerful you know egg

Oh you

mean yeah that's it that's it that's

great darling thanks

KS Larry H why' you do that do what

kiks well I always do that

why well why does one do things but when

you do it what is does it mean is there

some underlying

thought h no just a habit isn't

it yes if you want to call it that like

scratching your head or patting your dog

would you do it to some other

woman I don't know I never tried what

you do it to me well you're my wife and

that gives you the right to poke me in

the stomach whenever you want

to Darling don't you feel well fine

Larry please don't KS me anymore

[Music]

oh

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[Applause]

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move

that was not the dog that was

me sh

how' you do how do you do B Dr bengard

will be a little delayed I hope you

don't mind

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ugly

ugly aren't they ugly who

people is there anything uglier than the

human face

ah you mind if I smoke not at all smoke

yourself yes

you uh haven't got a cigarette eh

yes hav any without tips unfortunately

not

Sor

Bo change my mind I'll have a

cigarette yes thank

you have you uh seen the stalker before

yes how much he charge I really don't

know I haven't asked oh you didn't have

to Dr venard just phoned he'll be

detained at least another half hour

another half hour well we have two

Alternatives we can read a magazine or

we can talk this is a lovely day isn't

it yes yes well that takes care of that

let's forget it do I bore you oh no on

the contrary let me warn you that I say

what I think I'm a complete

individualist oh really I'm against

communism capitalism fascism Nazism I'm

against everything and

everybody I hate my fellow man and he

hates me sounds rather amusing so I

amuse you my clown eh piai oh no I

didn't say that all right don't

apologize this uh vard a good doctor I'm

sure he'll do you a lot of good good why

do you say that what's wrong with me I

really wouldn't know after all I'm not

the psychoanalyst uhuh what's wrong with

you nothing why you here you don't go to

a psycho an to have a tooth filled so

what's

wrong I think we'd better read

magazines all right

F I hate to bother you again but uh what

does one have to do to be happy I think

Dr venard would know more about that

than I more than you Mrs

Baker oh that article you know Mrs Baker

this is the first time in my life I've

ever met a really happy person seems to

irritate you no no it makes me curious

I've often wondered what it would be

like to be happy 24 hours a day must be

wonderful one gets used to it in the

morning you are awakened by the Twitter

of a little bird before breakfast you

and Mr Baker dance a minuette then the

happy breakfast starts you are happy Mr

Baker is Happy the eggs are happy the

hens who laid the eggs are happy now

look here my pres seems to annoy you so

I think I'll leave no I'm sorry Mr Bea

but if you feel that way naturally it is

I who will go oh no I'm afraid you need

the doctor more than I are you sure Mrs

Baker you see that's an interesting

question we're both here for the same

reason happiness one has not enough one

has too much who needs the doctor more

that's interesting isn't it rather but I

don't like to discuss it yes I

understand Miss Baker well I'm very

happy to have met you very sorry if I've

offended you goodbye miss me

goodbye oh just a moment yes may I ask

you one question certainly

yes what's wrong with that

picture are you really interested yes

sit

down this artist saw no more in that

tree than the camera which photographed

the Happy Mrs Baker it's only the

surface art goes much

deeper you see if I Were A Painter and I

would to paint you I don't know what the

picture would look like it wouldn't look

like that

photograph do I make

sense yes quite a bit of sense

[Music]

how do you

do hello Sebastian hello oh by the way

my name is Sebastian oh Alexander

Sebastian and they mean anything to you

be frank well if you insist no it's all

right it's all right why should it let's

look at the

pictures number

15 child with

trumpet no good I was afraid it was the

artist hasn't found himself yet when he

does find himself where is

he child with trumpet child's all right

but he's missed very badly on the

trumpet didn't

he that won't live I hope

not

F that's almost

great who painted it a woman no man

could be so

malicious

26 Elena

stoud portrait of Alexander Sebastian no

use denying it that's me that woman

didn't didn't paint me she performed an

autopsy she saw me frankly the whole

thing looks to me like a puzzle puzzle

that's correct good I was a puzzle to

her but she was no puzzle to me and

that's her revenge see when I first saw

that picture I was terribly upset I

don't blame

you what do these notes mean I'm a

musician a Pianist oh a Pianist

oh and this pedest still here well that

uh that indicates

greatness tell me why didn't you put

your statue there is there any reason

there is you see that little line you

mean this line that's my whole trouble

oh that line sent me to Dr

venard well you might as well know that

I I'm inhibited artistically let's have

a drink oh just a moment just a moment

what about this clock

a clock yes oh that never should have

been there why well I that's a personal

matter are you sorry that you came here

oh no no on the contrary it's all so

fascinating it's a new world I can't

quite grasp it whatever you want to know

about me just ask me uh that uh that

clock shows 12:15 is it 12:15 by

accident or does it mean something it

means something let's stop stop talking

about myself let's talk about something

else when is your next concert yes when

when I overcome it overcome what that

little

line Oh you mean your inhibitions yes

you see when I play tell me this uh

12:15 is it noon midnight any particular

midnight

mhm coming back to my inhibitions when I

play in a drawing room uh pardon me uh

was it uh Eastern Standard Time Daylight

Saving

summer

yeah well when I play in a drawing room

for just one person the right person

I'll be perfectly Frank with you I don't

think there's a greater pianist in the

world but as soon as I get in a concert

hall in front of an audience no

something gets lost those faces staring

at me what right have they to come in

and stare at me what right have they to

listen to me just because I pay $2 some

cases

250 why do I bother you with all this oh

but I'm glad you did it's fascinating

you are a puzzle Mr Alexander Sebastian

and don't you try to solve me Mrs happy

Baker come on

[Music]

Mrs

Koper Mr

yanush Mrs

yishi Mr Jones Jones how does a

foreigner like that get in here tonight

he's Mr Baker's lawyer oh well I suppose

you always have to have a lawyer with

hungarians good evening sir good evening

how's the gash coming fine Mr Baker uh

did a package arrive for me not yet

sir H darling hello there any new no

have a good day

marvelous all set for a big night all

set remember your word

egara egara that's it

good what is

it your package had a ride sir Albert

didn't tell me oh fine

[Music]

may I ask what you're doing here

waiting oh you're waiting tell me how

soon do we have dinner dinner

that's what I was invited for

oh I'm

sorry uh tell me are you with universal

mattress or United Furniture I'm not

with anything oh oh playing both sides

huh well it's not such a bad

idea say tell me how do you feel about

Mr kofka

indifferent I can tell you nobody's

going to put anything over on him he's

pretty smart I think it's very clever

that they've merged

M your will out W

[Laughter]

it

yeah look you want me to enjoy this

evening don't you well yeah certainly

all right come

here this vase insults me it's ugly

let's put it

away oh sure of course the customer is

always

right anything else in the room you like

to change Lots

well I think we're going to have a very

enjoyable evening I'll let you in a

little secret we've got goulash goulash

yeah goulash scramble eggs for

me only a

suggestion

um will you forgive me I a dress just

continue to make yourself at home

these hungarians are certainly funny

people have they come one of them has

look there aren't we dressing why well

he isn't oh that's Mr Sebastian Seb

who's he with with he's against

everything he's an individualist is he

that rich well he doesn't care anything

about how do you know dear it's

Sebastian Alexander Sebastian I told you

the other day but that's the trouble you

never listen to anything I say makes no

impression oh I remember now that piano

player he's not a piano player he's a

Pianist and pretty soon he'd be very

important someday you may be very happy

to ensure his hands for $100,000 look

darling I'm giving this dinner

especially for these hungarians could he

pay a premium I don't know and I don't

care you know sometimes I don't

understand you here we've got a $500,000

Insurance possibility tonight I've gone

to all this trouble to get up a special

Hungarian evening for the president of

universal mattress and you invite this

piano player you should know better

musicians and mattresses don't mix look

Larry for six years I've been living

insurance and I'm tired of being an

inity can't I just myself spend one

evening with rimsky corov and Stravinsky

rimsky corov Stravinsky who else is

coming why didn't you invite the whole

philarmonic and have them bring deams

Taylor along as commentator oh all right

all right let's drop the whole thing if

you don't want him to play he won't play

play say that's not a bad idea maybe he

could liveen up the party huh if Mr

Sebastian consents to play which I doubt

but if he does consent it won't be

Hungarian swing what will it be

something you'd have to pay $25 to hear

youan you mean like Carnegie Hall

exactly not in my house not

[Music]

tonight what's this

oh that's um reproduction of a painting

I saw in an art

gallery do you like that love

it well what is it can't you see now

listen quit kidding me what is it it's a

portrait a portrait of what of a

man listen I know I'm just a poor

ignorant Insurance dope and I don't know

anything about Stravinsky but we've been

married for six years and I think I've

made you a pretty good husband when I

ask you a question you still ought to do

me the courtesy of answering you don't

have to make fun of

me you know what this is the Grand

[Music]

Canyon is it here Mrs cop thank you and

that's why Mr coper we're the only

company for you sounds very reasonable

let's talk about it after dinner yes

indeed after dinner we'll have a good

long talk right here all right thank

[Applause]

you you mean not even L grin especially

not L and grin I give you all a bner

except one passage in trist that's

really good but you never hear it played

right perhaps someday I could hear you

play it as it should be played

perhaps I don't eat strawberries oh I'm

sorry

[Music]

everything all right Mr CER m

[Applause]

[Music]

I thank you so much Mrs biger you make

one feel at home that's what I call

Hospitality Mr Baker I didn't know she

knew it I wonder what she picked that up

what does it mean to your help oh isn't

that nice and she pronounced it so well

[Music]

oh how comes you speak Hungarian were

you born in Hungary no I studied music

in Budapest Budapest yeah

Budapest I lived at what's the name of

the street

and

for spe

[Music]

[Applause]

speee I

Happ

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

I just got a call kofka is launching

with the Hudson Insurance People

tomorrow it's tonight or never what

about the legal Ang my office is working

over time drawing up the contract all

right I'll go right

after well enjoy the goulash with C good

goulash very good goulash if your firm

is as good as your cook we might get

together I'm glad you brought that up

now hear the details

ylo come here a minute after all we are

Partners I want you to listen to Mr

bigger's proposition well gentlemen here

it is a nutshell everybody please I have

a treat for you Mr Sebastian you know is

a very well-known pianist and he's

kindly consented to play for us so if

you'll all be

seated does he have to play don't

worry Mrs Baker yes Mr Sebastian

you mind moving from here pleas

[Music]

yes locked that's odd the

key too

s who could have locked the piano

where's the key I don't know it's a

funny idea why should anybody lock the

piano she ridiculous why should anyone

it's the

key uh as I was saying Mr koffer my

proposition is a very simple one but a

very sound

one I broke it don't you worry I won't

now Mr Sebastian please tell us what are

you going to play well first I'm going

to

play this is

Baker yes Mr

Sebastian all right

I shall begin with a Sonata pathetique

by Beethoven a Sonata in three movements

and afterwards if I feel like it I shall

play half 11 variations on the second

theme of the first movement followed by

my own variation on half 11 variations

on the second theme of the first

movement

listen how long is a Sonata the only one

I ever heard lasted three cigars it's a

catastrophe it's a disaster Jones were

sunk

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

e

Alexander stop

[Music]

it please

don't no no

you know Jones I'm glad you got that CLA

in the contract it saved our necks

another wait a minute I'm going to have

some

fun how do you do how do you do sir

about that picture in the window it's

very good don't you think no fooling

what is it it's a portrait of a man oh

well certainly what else could it be

excuse me sir not everybody understands

Modern

Art well thanks if you're interested

it's only $500 $500 must must be quite a

man well it's not the man he happens to

be rather an obscure Musician musician

what kind of a musician a Pianist I

think is it by any chance Alexander

Sebastian well that's who it is you

recognized him he seems to be a friend

of yours wouldn't it be amusing to have

him at your home

permanently not very amusing

[Music]

a cheap guy like that who

him goodbye Jones

Hello darling

hello isn't this a nice surprise for you

yes very

nice a merry

farmer what's he so merry about oh

darling you don't begrudge me a little

music do you oh no no anything new well

this isn't it enough yeah plenty have a

good day

fine you seem to be feeling better these

days oh yes I slept 10 hours last night

and Larry the hiccups have completely

disappeared isn't that good news yeah

very good

news are you still going to Dr venard oh

no I don't need Dr venard anymore I'm so

busy with my music and visiting art

galleries that I haven't even time to

think of any doctor oh isn't that

wonderful you know I'm beginning to see

something in

this yeah it starts to look like a

man

huh why did you say that well the other

night oh you took that seriously I was

only kidding how could that be a man I

was nervous about the dinner party and I

said whatever came into my mind I'm

sorry darling no dear no I don't agree

with you it does look like a man now

don't be stubborn can't you take a joke

well then what is

it it's uh it's a meadow it's called

Meadow and spring oh oh and spring

yeah and uh those little notes of music

what do they mean oh

that's that's the shepherd playing his

pipe Shepherds play pipes don't they oh

sure yeah M and the clock at 12:15 oh I

I don't know exactly what that means but

but I guess it's probably lunch the

shepherd eats and then he plays his pipe

really darling you talk as though you've

never been in a meadow you see in modern

art they're trying to break down the

conventional forms they're trying to get

away from what you expect it's all done

by indication

what are you doing oh just putting a

mustache on the

shepherd knock that guy right through

his piano but that' be the worst thing

you could do you just make her feel

sorry for him don't make a Marty of him

you've got to look at this thing from a

woman's angle oh wait a

minute Miss aen will you come in please

please miss ains we want a woman's point

of view on a certain situation now uh Mr

Baker has a friend and he's in trouble

who Mr Baker no the friend oh Mr

Baker now Mr Baker has nothing whatever

to do with it let's call the friend Mr

uh Mr Brown now Mr Brown has a wife Mrs

Brown exactly Mr and Mrs Brown have been

married for uh how long well say 6 years

they live in Toledo 6 years in Toledo

that's bad all right then let's say New

York now Mr Brown is worried about his

marriage things are not going along as

well as they used to what kind of a man

is this Mr Brown very

nice wouldn't you say so yes very nice

is he attractive very attractive don't

you think so yes and yet she's

complaining well she's drifting away

from him yes and he wants to get things

back on the old basis who doesn't yes

now miss ains uh as a woman I'm asking

you what is the right approach well I

should say a mink coat would do the

trick she has a mink coat then what's

she complaining

about thank you Miss Higgins that's all

well gentlemen you wanted to get a

woman's point of view just a moment now

look here Mrs Brown is interested in

another man oh does Mr Brown know yes

has he any proof too much has he any

Witnesses no then he sunk thank you Miss

aen well I'm sorry Mr Baker but if there

aren't any Witnesses she's going to deny

it if you want the woman's angle Miss

aens we're thoroughly satisfied well I'm

afraid I'm not the right person to give

you any advice I probably have too much

sympathy for Mr Brown and not enough

patience with Mrs Brown we get cases

like that every day the wife is Bored

marriage is just a habit but on the

other hand she accepts everything her

husband gives her I think she ought to

be kicked out do I sound oldfashioned

we'll let you know Miss aens well anyway

I think Mr Brown is a pretty swell guy

I've always thought

so some woman yeah she certainly had a

couple of interesting angles I didn't

notice them good now Larry you still

love your wife don't you yeah well where

are he going from here I have a dinner

appointment with old CK Higgins at his

Club how can I sell insurance with this

in my mind it's a big deal too listen

forget Higgins forget Insurance go home

there's only one thing you have to say

sell yourself the most important client

you ever had in your life is waiting for

you and our name is Mrs Baker now you're

the best salesman in the business

there's nothing wrong with your marriage

you just have to resell it once in a

while not so easy well who said it was

was it easy to sell hail Insurance in

Southern California just find the right

slant a new one selling marriage with a

new slant huh a new slant yeah that's

not a bad idea but what is that new

slant that's what I'd like to know what

is it what is it what is it selling

marriage with a new

[Music]

slant oh

nice surprise

eh hello my

genius who are you going to be this

evening come tell your little

Cadenza are you mosart playful tender or

are you the Thundering Beethoven strong

fiery and yielding come darling tell

your little K

guess who is

[Music]

here guess who is here guess who is here

it is won the god of Gods coming down

to anything serious no she just fainted

oh well women are always

fainting any particular reason no no she

just thought I was a genius and she

found out I wasn't it was too much for

it please make yourself at home I'll be

right back I want to get some smelling

salts now look biger let's get this

straight there's going to be a very

heated discussion we're going to insult

each other it can't be avoided you're

going to accuse me of something which

I'm going to deny and you're not going

to believe so before this battle starts

let's get one thing straight I'm not

going to fight my hands are my only

livelihood and I'm not going to risk

them on your jaw here mosart wake up

your little

Cadenza what's happened well I

I you

no that's very funny you know what I

thought look I think

[Laughter]

I what

hello hello Jones I'm still selling you

were right it needed an entirely new

slant I think I've got a new one

Vier I don't trust you a come on Have a

Cigar either you have something in the

back of your mind or that cigar stinks

no no that's the same cigar I get my

customers how old are you

Sebastian not as old as you right in the

prime of life huh you're in good health

good enough even better after I've had

dinner but I'm not going to fight no no

no I don't want to fight but you mind

run into a husband sometime who hasn't

my respect for great music where would

you be then come on

Sebastian I'm going to do something for

you whether you like it or not I'm going

to ensure your hand

that'll give you complete freedom of

action it'll give me 5% then we'll both

be happy I'm not going to fight no I

know I understand you're an

isolationist isolate yourself over

there you know the best part of this

whole thing is that we sit

down we can write this hand insurance as

a subclause to your life insurance life

insurance what do I want with life

insurance I'm jny dependence any

relatives relatives free I'll tell you

you can leave it to my wife she can buy

herself a beautiful brooch in the shape

of a piano with little Diamond keys and

every time she pins it on she'll think

of poor dear Sebastian believe me if

anybody should ensure his life as you

and right now

[Applause]

well then where were you born I'm not

going to

fight so you love my wife don't

you love your wife

big so that's what you've been driving

at oh now I understand the whole thing

oh really Becka you should be a little

ashamed of yourself great big insurance

man like you deal so successful

with with human

nature you should know better than that

naturally I think he was very attractive

and very Charming She Likes music was

that thing loaded yeah oh now look Baker

get it out of your

mind I don't love your wife well it's

going to be a great day in the musical

Heaven I can just see Boven calling over

to Mozart hey Mozart dust off the piano

look who's coming the little genius

that's not funny this isn't funny either

I love my wife I've loved her for 6

years for 6 years we've been together

and Along Comes A guy like you and

breaks everything up just because You'

have nothing else to

do not going to get away with it you

loved my wife earnestly and sincerely

and you'd come to me and told me about

it well that would have been one of

those things I'm not oldfashioned you

both felt that you would have been

happier without me what can I've done

pack my

suitcase I wouldn't have to do this

oh you know

Baker kind of had me worried there for a

minute when you pulled out that revolver

I thought he's a conventional citizen no

sense telling the truth to a man like

that but now I see the real Baker modern

up to date Baker I'm going to open up to

you of course I love your wife you're

sure

positive well then I won't have to shoot

you I don't think it'll be

necessary well we've got a clean cut

situation on our hands you love my wife

and my wife loves you well oh yes she

does I've seen it with my own

eyes there's only one thing left for me

to

do hello hello Jones I'm still selling

did I hit back no good shouldn't have

done that Baker I know and I'm sorry you

shouldn't have done it I slip back into

the old fashioned Baker I probably won't

do it again I'm not going to

fight hello this is Lawrence Baker I

want to reserve a room for tonight I'll

be right over

thanks Baker

are you really moving out well yes

certainly I think I should leave the

apartment to her you

do yes it's only fair don't you think so

yes I think that seems to be the best

approach I'm glad you think so no no I

don't want there to be any

bitterness noely I'm in a position to

give her security to take care of her

future and why not she deserves it don't

you think so yes yes yes I do after all

she's given me the best years of

life yes I'll take some wonderful

memories with

me she's a nice girl isn't she yes yes

very nice of course she has her false

well who hasn't that's true that's true

uh Sebastian if but you should ever run

into one of her bad moods all you have

to do

is oh no perhaps I better not tell you

come on now don't act like little boy

what is it oh well kind of personal life

come on come on what is it what if you

ever should run into one of her bad mood

and you want to snap her right out of it

there's only one way to do it what's

that just

ker

ker how do you do that just

K she like that insane about it

thanks KS

now about the cause for divorce

according to New York state law one of

the parties must have a correspondent oh

there must be some less embarrassing way

not in New York well you don't have to

do it I'll get the correspondent oh no I

wouldn't like to put you in that

position well that's all right but why

should you take the blame well it's okay

it's quick and painless very quite of

you Baker thanks Sebastian that leaves

the property settlement the following

agreement has been reached between

Lawrence Baker here and after referred

to as a party of the first part and Jill

Baker here in after referred to as the

party of the second part it is

understood that the party of the first

part transfers title to the apartment at

685 Park Avenue to the party of the

second part what about the Furnishings

yes what about them well I didn't

understand the oh yes I want everything

transferred to uh to the party of the

second part can't we take that up later

no let's get everything settled now

you're entitled to it oh now look he's

only trying to be fair you're too

generous no that's fair that's all

well if there's anything you want oh I

don't need anything what would I do with

it he lives in a hotel where would he

put it you'd only have to pay storage

that's right well I better change

this what's his name Jones I don't trust

him well here we are mhm Baker versus

Baker Aker sounds awful doesn't it

everything legal does oh about this

correspondent yes who is it going to be

well I don't know anyone in mind M I

have several promising prospects oh you

have mhm yes I think we can clear up the

whole matter in about four weeks sounds

pretty good mhm tell me it isn't Mary

Logan Mary Logan is a correspondent well

I think I can do better than

that after everything's straightened out

I think I'll take a trip to South

America is it one of my friends friends

no you know I never cared very much for

your friends someone I know darling this

is a divorce not 20 questions oh I'm

just curious well don't worry you can

rely on me I won't disgrace the family

name

Mar do you really want this divorce

absolutely don't you well well don't

tell me you don't want it that' be a

great disappointment after all you're

seriously in love with Sebastian

otherwise you wouldn't have well we

wouldn't be

here you're too fine a person Jill to

have done all this just to fill out your

day I've always believed that you're

sincere I still

do I'd like to take that memory with me

I'm sorry if I H you you couldn't help

it don't worry there'll be no

bitterness funny isn't it for 6 years

you were my

husband now you're the party of the

first first part I used to be your Jill

and now I'm here and after referred to

and that's

[Music]

all well everything's taken care

of what's the

matter what' you do nothing just went

over some of the details I don't trust

you

Baker darling there's nothing to worry

about it's a very clean-cut agreement

Alexander please I'm so nervous can't

you understand of course we all have our

little

moods

K now let's read this again the

following agreement has necessary unless

we can agree on the correspondent it's

none of your business darling it is keep

quiet it is my business you're not going

to make me the laughing stock of the

whole town with some girl a girl I don't

even know oh no you're not going to have

that Triumph Mr Baker goodbye

KS don't do that big chill

chill Jill and that my dear Mr Jones is

what is known as protecting your

original investment let's get a drink I

think you softened her softened her

destroyed her she's going to come back

and eat out of my hand and what I'm

going to do to Mrs Jill Baker here an

after referred to as Jill lamb Baker if

you want to buy a good piano Chief Jones

you can have it no am I going to be

difficult I'm going to be the Mad Dog of

685 Park Avenue H

Baker Mr

Jones yes Mrs beger about this

correspondent what does the law require

well she uh no in case I have the

correspondent oh well you have to be

found alone with him in your apartment

and he with his coat off I see Alexander

yes darling are you willing to take your

coat off for me anything you say darling

oh no no no oh yes you mean you really

want to do that I do you want to

compromise me with that guy you seem to

forget Baker that she's in love with

that guy

K you brute Alexander Alexander

Alexander snoogie

snowy calling that snowy come on darling

there you are you'll be all right sit

down

here for 6 years I've been married to a

brute and I didn't know it but divorce

yes that's the only solution all right

why don't you go to Reno yes Reno I

don't want to go west oh darling how are

you unshaken would you establish

residence in Pennsylvania Pennsylvania

it's around Philadelphia isn't it in the

neighborhood yes that's not bad they've

got a good Orchestra be easy to

communicate with New York very well

shall we say Pennsylvania all right

Pennsylvania China anywhere only let's

get it over with okay let's look up

Pennsylvania Pennsylvania p Ah there

that's snowy

you're going to get your divorce if it's

the last thing I do section 10 innocent

spouse may get divorce provided the

other spouse shall have by cruel and

barbarous treatment rendered life

intolerable and burdensome to said

innocent spouse sounds promising

shouldn't be difficult for you to be

barbarous no my innocent spouse what do

I have to do well let's call in a

witness let's say uh my secretary and

first you two start a quarrel with

pleasure and then I'd say maybe you slap

her face face oh no so you can hit a man

but you don't dare strike a woman you

coward you all right I'll do it very

well now let's rehearse the whole thing

now here's the

plan Miss ains will you come in please

right away Mr

Jones now remember I start the dictate a

letter as soon as I snap my fingers you

start the argument and when you say you

cheap second Rate Insurance pedler when

I hit you now Baker don't let us down

Miss A M

aens coming Mr Jones sit down

please take this to Walder K doen mule

Capital City Bank and Trust Company

Columbus

Ohio My Dear Mr Dolen mule now let me

see so so you won't tell

me I wasn't

there my mother saw you your mother

gives me a pain in the the neck how dare

you say that about my beloved mother

your beloved mother

poo so you won't tell me huh I wasn't

there but my mother saw you your mother

gives me a pain in the

neck how dare you say that about my

beloved mother your beloved mother poo

who are you to poo my mother your mother

do you know what your mother reminds me

of hey here shop stop just a minute Miss

Ain I didn't tell you to leave yes for

heaven's sakes Miss Ain sit

down now read that back to me Mr Walder

KD mule Capital City Bank and Trust

Company Columbus Ohio My Dear Mr do mu

so you don't like my mother no I don't

like your whole family oh you don't no I

don't like your father I don't like your

brother and you know what your mother

reminds me of what of you that'll give

you a rough idea of what I think of your

mother you cheap second Rate Insurance

pedler you cheap second Rate Insurance

Peddler

come

on what you called your cheap second

Rate Insurance P

yes now look man our whole happiness is

at stake one good sock here have another

coac now give it

everything read it back to me Walter KOB

mu Capital City Bank and Trust Company

Columbus Ohio My Dear Mr do yeah my dear

Mr yeah yeah everything I said about

your mother still goes and double oh it

does yes it does well I still say you're

a cheap second Rate Insurance

Peddler oh so I'm a cheap second Rate

Insurance Peddler am I yes you

are say it again you cheap second Rate

Insurance

[Music]

Peddler

F come on Baker pull yourself together

you can do it swell guy like you read it

back to me Walter K doen mule Capital

City Bank and Trust Company Columbus

Ohio my dear my Mr dolber

mu did you see that Miss ains A husband

slapping his wife yes did you see it Mrs

Baker I'm very sorry this happened in my

office so am I imagine that a husband

hitting his

wife he had to get drunk to Do

It Goodbye Mr Jones goodbye

M what about Walder K doen mu tell him

I'm out

thank you

sir come

in hello Albert good morning sir I hope

you'll forgive me for disturbing you on

Sunday have a late night sir yes I've

had a series of late nights I guess I'm

not as young as I used to be oh I think

you look very fit sir oh thanks Albert

how's everything going well not so well

sir I came to ask if in your future

plans you'd have any use for me have you

left Miss Becker yes sir I had to on

account of that musical

gentleman oh in fact we all left except

Emma then she fortunately is quite de

how is Miss Beaker as Charming as ever

sir happy I suppose you'll pardon me for

saying so I think she shows great

courage

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

hello

hello where's Mrs

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

B Jill dearie darling Oh I got such a

thrill when you called me why shouldn't

I old friends like us sit down Marie how

are you Jill oh I'm fine I hear you're

going to Philadelphia oh did you meet

Alexander yes but I didn't want to

bother him he's backing for his new

concert I understand does it disturb you

no no no no I love

music yes I'm going to Philadelphia and

you're happy oh yes very of course I'm

still a little bewildered it's all so

new I guess it's all very exciting oh

yes very exciting being transferred from

the business world into the world of art

nothing but bah and chovsky that's B

he's

practicing you sure it doesn't disturb

you oh no no no I love it you don't have

to be ashamed not everybody likes B so

if you want him to startop my dear I

wouldn't think of it the whole thing

sounds so very romantic yes very

romantic oh by the way have you seen

Larry yes yes I saw him last night at

the Monte Carlo Larry at the Monte Carlo

yes

imagine just a

[Music]

[Applause]

moment please forgive me of course well

now what were we talking about

so you don't like my music I make

nothing but a lot of noise all

right isn't he original oh very I hope

you don't mind no not at all I love to

make him angry he turns into a big

grizzly bear it must be

fascinating Jill

the

bear what is it Jill there'll be no more

music here today oh no no and don't coax

me and don't shush me as a matter of

fact there'll be no more Sebastian here

today at least not for lunch and dinner

is very uncertain well that's the way

you feel about it it is Jill I can be

very impossible goodbye

what fun I only hope poor Larry has as

good a time as I well when I saw him

with Monte Carlo oh yes I suppose that

was another one of those dull business

evenings was it a large party no I'd say

she was about your

size oh was she attractive no I didn't

think so but George and Freddy thought

she was

terrific you know George and Freddy but

what do you care that's right what do I

care Larry's entitled to have a little

fun that's the kind of life he

likes

hello hello s

darling I feel pretty good considering

what about you mhm

that's right

huh no I'm sure you took it with you

when we left for the mon Carlo wait a

minute hello yes it

is all right good right

hello

hello you going to throw me

out Jill you shouldn't come up here it's

rather embarrassing well I was just

passing by but after all if Sebastian

finds out oh don't worry about that but

I do a girl engaged to be married coming

to a bachelor's apartment and

unannounced just a moment

well I seem to be intruding look Jill

what do you want to see me about someone

here what do you want Jill well I was

driving by and oh right on the 31st

floor well you said you wanted some kind

of remembrance and I'm on my way to

Cynthia noxus tea and I had to pass by

so I picked up a few things some

snapshots of taken together thought you

might be interested thank you aren't you

going to look at them oh oh oh yeah

mhm that's the first time we met there's

one of you sitting in my lap our wedding

our honeymoon that's very nice thanks

anything

else I heard you were at the Monte Carlo

last night yeah sleepy H yes well give

my regard Cynthia oox who you were on

your way to Cynthia ox's tea oh yes yes

I like your apartment Larry it's

lovely Charming yes very very

Charming in such good taste pretty so

cozy lovely curtains and such a

beautiful

view yes such a beautiful

[Music]

view I'm sorry that was rather foolish

please forgive me

Larry I did make quite a mess of things

oh everything turns out for the best you

can't mean that Larry I can and I do

Larry please don't make me go to

Philadelphia please don't oh Madam has

changed her mind she gets a little tired

of marriage and she walks out just like

that what does she care if she makes a

fool of her husband or how much she

hurts him then she gets a little tired

of piano music and she comes back and

says oh it was just a little whim of

mine so please Trot back to the old home

dead you break up a whole life and then

think you can put it back together again

in one afternoon oh no it's not that

easy I didn't expect it to be easy to

tell you what I think of you would take

more than just one

afternoon how about dinner dinner

couldn't we just have dinner together

tonight I'm sorry I'm engaged for dinner

oh that girl yes that girl I don't like

your tone I'm sorry first you try to

mess up my life now you want to spoil

that girl Sunday Sally doesn't get every

day off you know Sally works hard oh she

does now what's wrong with that nothing

she doesn't have everything dumped in

her lap like you she hasn't time to go

to crazy art galleries play around with

second right musicians or go to

psychoanalysts she has no husband to pay

for her complexes Sally's a mighty fine

girl much finer than your Mr Sebastian

she doesn't wear your shirts either did

he take oh skip it

here you promis to love honor and

obey and

here that's the first time we met that's

an awful picture of me but you were a

fine girl I didn't bore you with my

insurance then you listen to everything

you wanted to know everything about me

and my work you wanted to help oh Larry

and

here got remember everything you said to

me I'd love to say it again Larry if

you'd only give me the chance just to

forget it again no Larry never again I

swear there's no use pretending I'm

defeated

see

gee I always remember that tree in front

of our hotel window and that funny old

Italian wa well that wasn't here oh yes

no not it wasn't no no here oh that's

right that's the front

por our first breakfast yes oh Larry

couldn't we have dinner

together not tonight why not Sally let

me talk to her oh no woman to woman

she'll understand no no please let well

you don't deserve it but I'll see what I

can do thank you darling you stay right

here it's going to be very tough

[Music]

Sally

aens

aens That Girl

[Applause]

KS how' you do Miss aens hello Mrs Baker

nice to see you

Mr Baker would have loved to have seen

you but unfortunately he's busy oh he

asked me to give you your handbag oh yes

I forgot it I I was doing some

secretarial work for Mr Baker oh

secretary's work on Saturday night oh

well uh I'm a notary public too oh I see

and you brought your seal oh yes a train

seal goodbye miss

a goodbye Mrs Baker

sweet sweet

looks

hopeless it's much more serious than I

thought that girl's really in love with

me she adores me I don't blame her she

says she can't live without me and I

believe her and I too it's

understandable you're very

wonderful oh yes yes you

are how about dinner but you know I

can't how about after dinner do you want

a suicide in your conscience oh no no

not there well there you are you're

right it's hopeless it's too bad Joel

everything could have been so marvelous

yes there's no reason we couldn't really

have been happy yes but it's too late

now it looks like the end goodbye Larry

and good

luck good luck

well I'll talk to her

again Mrs Baker home yes never

mind that's who is

it's bolon the god of Gods coming back

to Earth

[Music]

a little bit softer please

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

py

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh for